in the wake of the betrayal

what i am faced with is this: he and she, a friend who is clearly desperate and psychologically ill, have been together for a week now.

neither of these cowards had the decency to tell me to my face, but that is expected.

i have always asserted that he was brought into my life by God, and because ive learned the lessons i needed from him, God has taken him away.

this is a relief. he is so much less than what i deserve but was willing to stay for.

and she? well, the thing is i pray her children never discover the woman she is...and that her daughter never suffer the same fate.

i wake up in the middle of the night, giggling to myself because i know her...and i know him. and together? well, karma is a bitch.

i love the signs that God gave me to prepare: i accidentally deleted the text messages from when we first got together, and i lost all data from my computer. i knew in my heart that there was a reason, and now, its been made clear.

if youre wondering how i am, im fine. still hurting, unable to sleep or eat, and trying to survive. but all in all, i am fine.

its my sons 17th birthday, and we are going to san diego for the weekend. i have support of my friends and i feel as if ive forgotten them already. i made way for two people, two men, who just make me feel like the person i really am: sexy, desirable, and amazing.

i dont want to list down the things wrong with him, but lets just say, the next man i meet, i will be proud of, i will sleep knowing that he is who he says he is, instead of some sad old man who doesnt know himself. and he wasnt that great in bed, so guess what? its not that big of a loss.

i did learn this from him: to accept generosity. to stretch my heart. to love again. because in the greater context of things, this was really all about me, all for me, and these lessons i needed so desperately to learn.

and so, im closing this blog because its tired and old, but you may find me in another one.