return

my son and i have just returned from our vacay after a 12 hour drive. we stopped for two hours in monterey, and the boy just absolutely fell in love with it.

we have decided something very big and very life changing: we are leaving la and moving to the bay area. we had hoped to move by the end of august, but it looks like it will be august 2010.

we are so excited, yet very sad, at the thought of leaving. its amazingly difficult to say goodbye, especially since my son has become so damned sentimental all of a suddent.

like on the way back, we drove down pch (i fucking hate this freeway, though it is amazingly beautiful). we were supposed to get on the 101 (another freeway i hate), but i mustve missed the turnoff, so we drove down to cambria.

he kept saying things like, people ill never meet live here. and im going to miss so many things. and on our last month in la, can we just visit all the places we like to hang out in?

geez. youd think we are moving to another planet or something.

but im feeling sentimental, too. im going to miss so many people and our way of life here, but im not going to miss this city.

you see, moving around was my way of life from the age of 17 to 22. every year was a different address, different people...

and i loved it. i never tired of it, never tired of change. but the best thing? all of my belongings fit in two boxes. and i loved it.

so.

the next twelve months will be full of planning and saving and researching.

im excited and meloncholic. i just pray that when its time to go, we put one foot in front of the other and not look back.

one month

thats how long it would take me to wrap things up if i were to move up here.

but all this is fantasy because i wouldnt be able to leave right away without enough money to go. and i know thats going to prevent me...the thought of how much money i wont be earning.

really, though? i dont care.

~*~*~

i envy people who know what they want and who go for it; those who are content with their lives, their career, their relationshps and want no different; those who can go to the same job day after day without it affecting their soul.

the gypsy was spot on on so many levels. and i didnt even open my mouth because she told me not to tell her anything, so i gave her nothing.

shes amazing, really...or the cards were. there was a card that was so accurate about myapprehensions about being a counselor and staying in la. i forgot what it was called, but it depicted a person trapped in the cages.

she also said, youre holding so much hurt in. i mean, you laugh, but its not real. you dont feel beautiful or inspired. nothing has passion anymore. but you are beautiful. you have to know that. and you have to do things again that makes you feel. you have the gift, too, but you dont want to use it.

ive heard that before.

she continued, what are you going to do about this? im giving you advice from my heart. you know my energy, you know that its genuine.

i do. thats why i stopped here.

look. you have to follow your heart. you dont have to be afraid of anything. you will never be alone, but you have to open your heart. a few years ago, maybe two years ago, there was a guy who wanted to be with you, but you shut him out. do you know who this might be?

yes. but its not one particular person, i dont think.

youre right. you dont let anyone in. and you have to change this. you can make conversation with anyone. youre a good person, you dont want to wish harm on anyone. you will have good people around you wherever you go.

i feel this to be true.

and it is. but you have to open your heart.

i know.

listen to me. slowly give someone a chance. you get invited to parties, but you dont go. how do you expect to meet him when you dont go out? the last few years, youve used the excuse that you were busy to keep men away. and maybe you were busy, but you have to stop and let someone in.

okay. i dont know.

i know you dont know. and you wont know unless you let them in.

i hear you. and youre right.

i love my gypsy. on my birthday, im going to call her.

she spent another ten minutes listening to me talk. and for that, im so grateful.

in this city...

...i have found my bearings.

...i have found inner peace.

...i have walked miles and not feel exhausted.

...i have shivered the last few afternoons and nights.

...i have heard my voice.

...i have met awesome people, including a gypsy today who i feel really cares about the hurts shes brought into the surface.

...i have been lost but not panicked.

...im surrounded by energy: fast, positive, transforming, healing.

...i am me.

~*~*~

on my last day here (which is tomorrow), im going to go to the 9 am mass, then hang at a farmers market across the street from the church, then check out the moma and richard avedons stuff.

kewl, eh?

oh, and igra and i finally connected. he told me some things about his girlfriend, and im not completely surprised.

his reaction was funny when i told him i was engaged. he snorted and said, yeah, right. i read the bit about the punchline.

the gypsy told me that i had a chance with him, but i never took it.

oh, well.

and everytime we talk, i wonder i search through the bullshit to find my friend, and to be honest?

its very dismal.

~*~*~

i love this city so much.

here, i am at peace.

here, i am rested.

here, i am me.

here

will be on the road to oz soon, and im so excited.

if the project manager didnt work me today, id have insomnia, but as it stands, im tired.

i think theres a chemistry between us that we are trying to resist, and i have to say, i can do it. i dont want to think of him as anything other than him working for me, but you know...

we dont even stand close to each other or look at each other, and i think we are denying this strong attraction.

at least i am. maybe theres just nothing on his end, which is fine.

it would be better because i dont want to lose him as my proman. hes funny and good...and i like how he incorporates God appropriately in our discussions.

i dont know.

i need this week off from him.

hope he misses me.

confounded

theres got to be a full moon somewhere because lately? things with the opposite sex have been weird. and im not even sleeping with anyone.

on friday, before i got the phone call regarding the filled position, i was feeling good about my chances of leaving poly. would i have done it? i dont know. maybe. maybe not.

theres something going on with me right now where i am hating every single second of being here in la, hating the heat, the smog, the same old same old, and i cannot wait to leave.

does sf hold answers? no. does it have solutions? no.

in fact, a part of me feels overwhelmed there, but a bigger part of me feels alive.

and thats something i havent been able to say for a long time.

living here in la lately, like for the past 14 years lately, has felt so burdensome and monotonous. everything seems so lifeless and bland, images seem blurry.

i cant seem to remember anything because everything seems like it was the day before.

to liven it up, i look for moments of opportunity to flirt. but really? its failing.

~*~*~

theres this little boy who works in the computer lab next door to my office. hes really sweet, or so i thought, and every morning, id tease him if he didnt say hi to me.

he doesnt really talk to many in my office, and i often pop in next door to get cool air since the air is always blasting in there.

hes young, so its more fun and gamelike, rather than serious and sexy like with the math guy.

i guess i shouldve listened to my instincts that told me the little boy was interested. no relationship interested, but sexually interested. the math guy wants to get into my pants, but i love the way he takes the time to get to know me, too. its very, very appealing.

today, the little boy and i messaged for almost three hours, and it was just mind blowing. he wants to get together...in the biblical sense.

i laughed out loud, never once feeling flattered or aroused. after awhile, i had to tell him that i wasnt interested in him in that way because i saw him as a kid. i loved his spirit, though, because he sends me this: its not about being interested. its about being curious, about getting the most out of life. to be ridiculous beyond belief. to float in a most peculiar way.

and if he werent twenty fucking one years old, i wouldve thought about it. but you know what? hes a kid, and im not taking the bait, especially when he responds to this way to my question about why choose me when he says he has so many opportunities with women: because of your luscious dsls. you have angelie jolie lips. because of your maturity and experience.

um, for the record, my lips are nowhere as big as angies, but the experience? i have down pat.

~*~*~

i suppose i should tell you how the project manager is getting on my nerves.

which is very sad because i like him. he seems a good guy. i think i just bring out a side of him that is not good.

and vice versa.

on saturday night, i asked him an innocent question about where he got these awesome resistance bands he has that attaches to his car. there are some good projects to get out of them, and i want one of my own.

he messaged me that he got it in some ancient city in puerto rico, and i sent back: okay, thanks. ill ask my fiance. hes puerto rican.

it escalated to something stupid, then this: i have an uncle named james who likes to have a drink. want me to introduce you?

i said no every time he said he wanted to go out. i told him it was lines who is in the market, that i wasnt because i had my hands full as it is.

~*~*~

i know nothing about guys.

which, in a way, isnt bad.

but it also isnt good.

its rather disturbing.

effin crap

it was a great last day, a bit boring, but all in all, i got the stuff done that i wanted to do.

i think im going to have over 340 a track students, and i say that in the present and future tense because it seems like ill be staying at poly for another year.

why?

well, the apscs called me to tell me that they were going to keep the sub counselor theyve had.

and i was bummed. i was stuck in traffic, and i was simmering in disappointment and sadness. and i wonder what it is i meant to do and where.

truth be told? i dont know if i want to be a counselor anymore.

~*~*~

todays good bye with the math guy was long and drawn out, and it felt absolutely final. he showed me how he stored my number on his phone, under what name, and it made me giggle.

hes kind of okay about this now, so hes no longer acting funny when he speaks to me. hes taken up staring, which makes me uncomfortable, but in a good kind of way.

nothing will happen between us because we are both professionals who really like our jobs. and i think hes more respectful than that.

okay, im over it. he needs to get over it, too.

we have a great connection and chemistry, but its not ever going to go beyond that into the physical.

~*~*~

three effing weeks off.

sf on wednesday.

lv next monday.

and just hanging out at home for a few days in between trips.

oh, to share a lovely kiss with a handsome stranger.

i need my blood pumping again.

bliss

tomorrow is my last day of work.

i pray that when i go back, it is only to stay for a few weeks before moving on to mikmes school. and if its right, then i will. and if it isnt, then ill stay.

but i dont want to.

everyone wants me, too, and i have to say, its not so bad because i work with some awesomely funny and relaxed people, but its me. i need a change, i need new challenges, new blood.

i met a parent today who said i had great energy, and i know she recognizes that because she has positive energy as well.

she told me of how it is the universe receives our energy and how thoughts are manifested. its along the lines of the laws of attraction and stuff.

so, from now on, ill have to be careful what i say and what i think.

~*~*~

the math guy.

what can i say?

so, what are you going to do in san francisco? he asked me.

oh, ive got it all planned out...the first night, i think im going to walk the bridge and take pics.

walk the bridge?

yes, its only 3 miles, i think. and ill take some awesome shots because itll be foggy then.

youre so cool.

whatever.

well, you have my email, right? youll have to email me some pics.

yes, i will.

cant wait. so, can i call you?

yes...i want you to.

~*~*~

and my project manager?

well, hes getting more comfortable with me, and i like it.

he asked me today how he looked, and i said, hott.

i love when he remembers what i say.

i love his body.

but no touching.

and today, he was totally looking me in the eyes when he told me to do something.

it was a bit challenging, but i did it.

and he said, sometimes, its okay to show weakness, m.

yeah, but not when he is over me.

notes

i cannot wait until a week from now where ill be at a hotel in sf...or maybe walking the bridge and getting some shots.

i need to write, long journal entries here or with pen and paper, need to release words and thoughts, to plan and dream.

i aint got nothing.

its a small world

so, did a photoshoot this past weekend, and i pray that the little secret between me and the groom intended never escapes.

i think only he and i know about this...and maybe lewol and katma and erbro, but whatever.

i accidentally deleted the images, so i had to pay for recovery, but its all good.

reviewing the pics made me giggle at the thought of that one night years ago at borders.

he was sexy then.

now? um...not so much.

i was very professional, though, and concentrated more on capturing the love between them than what almost was between us.

and i wonder sometimes what would have happened if i had gone to that loft that night?

he doesnt look like he can kiss, so probably nothing. sex, and then that would be it.

yeah. that would be it.

i have some other things brewing about the math guy, who i fear has gotten himself a little crush.

ill talk to him tomorrow, just to say hi and you know.

i wonder if he does have a crush like what other people are telling me.

hes an awesome person.

nothing.

more.

im going to be worthless tomorrow.

sometimes

i dont usually tend to anxiety and panic, but every once in awhile, my mind will involuntarily spiral to a place where im led against my will.

some common themes: career, love, my child, health, ex lovers, family...normal concerns that are just not even out of the ordinary.

like today. on the way to work. i realized how much i love my life. its simplicity at the moment because my child is on summer vacation, and work is really kind of fun. so, im driving, and anxiety washes over me, and i get scared about losing it all.

and i think it lasts less than 5 minutes, but in reality, i felt paralyzed. psychologically.

ive learned to talk myself out of the anxiety, to get it to dissipate in seconds.

ive learned to pray.

~*~*~

right now, at this moment, i hate that my brother lives with me and does nothing with his life. im so bitter that this has been going on for years, and i take some responsibility of this because i was too busy with getting my life in order that i couldnt concentrate on him.

he is the shame that i dont discuss with friends. and last week, i told him that i cant take this anymore, and he couldnt either, so im hoping that he will leave in august.

~*~*~

i need to leave this place. really.

two weeks. im going to sf for a week, and im going to just walk around, go to museums, golden gate park. im going to walk across the my favorite bridge, photograph what i need to, and just be me.

im going to visit sfai, read, write, and catch up on movies.

i just want to be. to be in a place that isnt here.

i hate la.

and change is scary, but i find im fueled by it, by the novelty of words from the lips of a sexy stranger.

i need to get laid.

raw, sweet, sweaty, passionate...

sex.

just words

only 7 more working days until i take time off. work has been fun, and the people are so nice and sweet to me that i wonder sometimes if i can just walk away if i had the option. im so fortunate, so blessed, so welcomed at this new center.

today at the whole group meeting, i saw lots of people i havent seen since being in buttfuck egypt. i saw the math guy, but i didnt speak to him.

he really is shy, and im so curious about him, but his words ring in my ear whenever i want to talk to him: i want your whole attention, and if you dont want to give it to me, then dont talk to me.

it isnt his fault. i know its rude when i talk to him and talk to others, too. but our conversations arent even real. i mean, they arent serious.

whatever.

~*~*~

my couldve been ex father in law called me to confirm tahoe plans.

when i answered the phone, he said, before we go on, i just want to say what a fantastic job youve done raising matt. hes a great kid.

it was genuine. and it was sweet.

i think the boys father is seeing someone, which im glad. i hope he is.

so, the plan is for me to drop my son off on wednesday.

we can drive up tuesday during the day and make our way up the one where i can take pics. we will stay in carmel or monterey for a night then make our way to sac.

sac.

ugh.

~*~*~

i sent my resume to the middle school where mikme is working.

i got a lukewarm response, and i wont get an interview until mid august. when i start, itll be in september, which is off track, z time.

more money.

do i want it? i dont know.

new people, new horizons.

maybe.

id like to go.

maybe its time to go.

pieces

i suppose i should begin by saying that im really not into the celebration of major holidays, except for christmas, but i do enjoy having the day off.

i suppose i should tell you, too, that i associate holidays with the men in my past. which is why i guess they leave a taste in my mouth.

to wit: nye and ny belongs to the redhaired boy when the first one we ever spent together, we were cuddling on the couch with the lights off, whispering sweet nothings to each other. somehow, we began to make vows, and it got pretty intense, and he was looking for something to exchange, so he took off his watch and put in on my wrist, and mine on his.

valentines day, too, is his, but this time, it was pretty awful when i stormed out from the restaurant when he disregarded my protests about what he ordered for me after i refused to eat it.

st patricks day is for the exbf just because hes irish.

fourth of july is for my baby daddy. he bought an exorbitant amount of fireworks and put on a show for me and his father in the mountains. if he were to do that today, i would freak out for fear of setting off fires.

labor day is for w because it falls so close to his birthday, and i loved celebrating that day with him when our situation was fresh and easy.

halloween belongs to the exbf who loved to dress up in morbid costumes.

thanksgiving reminds me of the boys father and how my heartbroke and set me off on a depression that seemed to last for years.

christmas eve is best for luro who fucked me deliciously before sending me off with a lovely farewell. it was perfect.

but christmas? well, its mine, all mine, with happy thoughts of each and everyone i spent it with.

its time to start making new, happy memories.

~*~*~

so, the transition to the ninth gc has been painless, but im bracing myself for a whirlwind on monday. people usually go on vacation as soon as school ends until after the fourth of july weekend, but they always come back after. maybe many of them decided to go to the new school, which would be fanfuckingtastic.

everyone has been so nice, yet i find myself resisting the whole idea of staying there.

do i want to? well, its easier than having to readjust and do the same shit at another school. i dont mind getting to know a whole new staff and a new system...if i wasnt going to leave it in two years. i just feel its a futile investment to make.

besides, my photography is getting off the ground. lupak wants me to photograph her and rucue for their engagement stuff. the ones her photographer did were unflattering, but i dont know if i could do any better.

met with an amazing photographer who was so helpful and gracious. she gave me some awesome tips, and when i have time off in two weeks, im going to get a business license and try to figure out how to get money to buy my equipment.

her studio was pretty fantastic. its not big, but its so tasteful.

my goal is to get an amazing loft and divide it into my living area and my work area. i dont need that much in terms of a studio, but i would like for it to be separate from where i would entertain.

so, id need a studio that i can photograph nudes or babies or families, and id need a restroom so that they can change or put on makeup or use it as needed. then, id like an area to view the images in a very relaxed area. id like to have a small area for sitting, and maybe a bean bag chair and toys for babies and toddlers.

just something simple and zen.

~*~*~

the fireworks have started, and my dogs are frightened.

i love the boom and the smell that follows it.

its really romantic, this night with the colors against the dark sky, the smell of the smoke, the sound of the blast. and the amazing weather has been so pleasant. its way hot during the day, but the last two nights, i found myself shivering while i dined with dapel and rich outdoors and while walking back to the car with lines.

~*~*~

in two weeks, i will be driving my son up to hang with his fathers side of the family. his grandfather and i have been playing phone tag about logistics. i think the boys father is seeing someone and hasnt been calling his father lately.

but i dont think hes like that.

i remember the first time i met the boys grandfather. instead of shaking my hand, he gave me a hug. then at the restaurant, when the boys father excused himself from the table, he said to me, so youre the one my son is going to marry.

um...so, yeah. i was 22 at the time, and i was a bit freaked out. we had never discusssed marriage in the three weeks we were together. i know he fell in love with me hard and fast, perhaps because im the first normal woman hes had...and the first whose ever given him a blowjob.

a mighty fine one at that.

but we also had this surreal connection and passion. of course, we did. hes a virgo.

~*~*~

i have a mighty fine reason for being awake at 6 this morning. met up with my project manager and lines.

i like this project manager in a purely professional way because i wont mix business with pleasure. he keeps his distance, but he flirts when i do.

ive been calling him my sadist, and today, he whispered to me, i want to be your favorite sadist.

which was kind of sexy, but i said, get in line. youre not the only one i know.

hes an awesomely sweet person, and im glad we are brought together.

~*~*~

my work is amazing. my strength is in informal portrait, capturing the light within.

thats what ill use for my website.