holding on tightly

it isnt so much on any one thing. its many things. but most of all, im just trying to maintain a bit of composure. i love my life, but damn, i need a bit of a break.

and so does he. he is running around, doing things so quickly, dealing with things on a personal and professional level that im waiting for him to break.

not that i want him to. of course i dont want him to fall apart or fall down. but is it humanly possible to do the things he is doing and not feel the effect of it?

interestingly, hes been getting headaches. the man has not rested. and all i want to do is just sit with him. just be in his presence because it is enough sometimes. it isnt about sex anymore. its more about getting some of him and giving some of me. thats what ive missed.

i know he hasnt much to give, i dont have much to give, but what we can give is enough. it has to be for now.

its kind of ironic that while his exwife and my mom are ill, he and i are becoming close. i will be vain right now to say that, to assume that we are. i mean, with all respect to each of our paths right now, i think that it is kind of safe to say that we are finally gelling.

finally. i think weve fixed out some of the kinks in this chain, but i know that we will have more. i hope we will.

if not, i wont be crushed, but i will miss him. very much. sometimes, letting go is the best thing to do.

want to play?

this is so true.

as are all other personality tests.

control...or lack of it

its becoming a problem, this fucking myspace issue. i hate it. i hate the fucking site, and i dont even know why. i think its because its a breeding ground for the young to play with some dangerous toys like digital cameras and their bodies.

i fight with the boy just now, and it leaves a sickening taste in my mouth. i thought we had finished doing this yelling, but i know it has just begun.

theres got to be a better way to solve this. to keep cool. to stay controlled.

but fuck, not tonite. tonite, i feel like shit.

and there aint nothing i can control.

sixty

yesterday, my mom turns sixty at the hospital. today, she got her present: notification that she will need surgery to remove her colon.

my mother is so beautiful. when she is angry, her beauty is accentuated with the fire that rages in her. we are, after all, filipinas. in our family, we are very passionate and consuming, so any emotion is tripled. times two.

shes the eldest of nine children, and she gave birth to me, the eldest of n-number of grandchildren. (i dont recall the exact number, nor do i have the energy to do so right now.) i gave birth to the eldest of five great-grandchildren.

i wish i can say that our relationship is lovely, and in a way, it is lovely, in its own way. i know im her favorite, and ive used that to my advantage. you see, im a devil, and i havent been the best of daughters, but i allow myself to think that when i need to come through, i do.

when we lived together here at my current abode, we fought like crazy. she hated the exbf, and she made my son hate him, too. i resented it, but the exbf has an amazing heart. he forgave her and treated her only with kindness and respect. for that, i love him. because there was a time when i completely felt torn between him and my mother. it was her doing, not his.

she married my father at an age that was completely too young in my book, but it was because she wanted me to have a father. im grateful for her sacrifice, but i wish her life wasnt miserable.

he cheated on her. a lot. and for awhile, i thought her to be weak for staying with him, but i realize now that she did it for me, my sister, and my brother. from her i learned sacrifice in the name of love.

i also learn strength from her. how to withstand pain, how to live in it, how to live in it for a greater good.

when my son was born, she was happy. she loves babies. she took care of him while i went through my legal assistant program and then throughout my credential program. he calls her "mom", and when he was younger, he called me "mommy." now, we are both "mom". im in great company.

sometime in between taking care of my son, she filed for divorce and gained her freedom. but even then, she wasnt free. she still holds a grudge against my father, hates him in all of her love. and in all of her hurt. if i were granted to take away one pain from each person, this is what i would remove. and if i were granted to take away two, id take away the last fucking six weeks.

i owe her money she gave me during college and for all the babysitting she did when i was wilder with two jobs. shes never collected, and again, thats another thing she taught me about love. never collect. dont get me wrong. she brings up shit to throw in my face when she is angry, but for the most part, i deserve it.

shes lost so much weight since shes been sick. and i wish i can say she looks awful. but even though the woman looks pale, she looks so much the way she looked when she was in her early 20s. its eerie how beautiful her skin is even after sixty years.

my sister and she look alike, while i look more like my father. i used to feel unpretty, and i acted like it, but eventually, i came into my own. eventually, meaning about seven years ago. the exbf used to tell me i was beautiful, as well as past boyfriends and lovers, but i never believed them. my epitome of beauty is my mother, and because i didnt look like her, i didnt think of myself as beautiful. funny how the mind works.

im so fucking scared right now, so i dont talk to her. i pray for her, i talk to her in my mind, but im so fucking hesitant to talk to her, and it gives me another reason to be angry at myself. im so stressed out, and im angry with her for being sick, angry at myself for being angry at her and for being so fucking selfish.

i want to lash out. i want to go to sleep for days and wake up when its over. this is what im addressing at my therapy sessions: working out and working through my problems.

if i didnt have the gym, i think i wouldve died of a heart attack about a month ago. last sunday was pretty bad. today was pretty bad, too.

i go through days like this. i push away things from my life, knowing i will have to deal with it later. for now, that will have to do.

enjoying moments

i ask him, so, what can you tell about me?

he says, there is a lot of conflict within you.

oh? coflict between what?

its between your need to feel good and feeling guilty when you do. you dont allow yourself to relax and enjoy what youre getting. you feel guilty about it. you should take some time off and go to hawaii with your son.

hhhhmmm...what else?

you have a good heart. youre caring, and you want to help.

my heart isnt that good. but its pure.

ealier in the evening, when i am sitting on the floor, his hands on my face, he says to me, what is on your mind?

i look at him, not able to say anything because i have too much to say. i realize that i am not good at verbally expressing myself, and that i get jumbled and twisted.

tell me. come on. whats going on? youre not relaxed.

yes, i am.

no, i can tell you arent.

how?

its in your eyes. theres a lot of thought going on in your head. just tell me.

no, its nothing.

the truth is that that is a lie. there are too many things to say, not enough words to say. so i remain silent, trying to calm my inner voice, looking at him only to communicate through my eyes what i cannot by my mouth.

finally, he says, did you come here tonite to dump me?

what?

yeah, did you come here to break up with me?

wait a minute. why would i go through all that trouble to write you a letter, then bring it here, and break up with you?

youre not staying, right? why not?

im stressed out, and i have to study. i didnt know if you wanted me to stay.

you came all the way over here to bring me the note and then what?

just hang out with you. i like hanging out with you. are you projecting? do you want to end this?

what? where is this coming from?

im wondering. you bring it up a lot. you ask me all the time. do you want to end this?

hush.

hhhmmm...no answer. okay, i got it.

no, i dont want to end this.

you sure? you have game, and youre a playah.

yeah, right.

its not so much that i want to be in this forever. i dont. in fact, sometimes, i think i would feel relief if he or i had cause to end this. but for now, it remains the same. i like it like that.

its getting tedious

gaya tells me on friday that she trusts when i make choices. she says i have a penchant for thinking and overthinking things, that i live with a thought day in and day out, that i only act once im sure of it. thats when she knows im solid on my decision.

she used to really rile me up when it came to work and doing something about my condition. i would tell her, wait, be patient. things will fall naturally in place. and if not, God will take care of it.

im not much about leaving things to God, unless when ive absolutely exhausted all options possible to me. thats when i turn to Him.

this thing with him, with the person ive been consumed with the past almost-six months, is beginning to fade from my taste. ive been grappling with the realization that this man will never be what i want, will never come through the way i need him to, will never be mine. and its mirror-effect with me being what he wants, coming throuhgh the way he needs me to, and being his is also true.

i suppose i should have tried more, earlier when he was still a bit enamored with me, to change him. i could have been more proactive in grooming him, but instead i choose a road that i wasnt familiar with.

the exbf accused me time and time again of not accepting him. and he was right. i dressed him, fed him, manicured him, medicated him...not out of kindness, but because i wanted him to be the one for me.

he looked good in the clothes i bought, ate and cooked great food, got a haircut that made girls turn their heads, and made sure that he was never in physical pain. it was never enough. i couldnt love him fully.

dines tells me today that she had a hard time with my break up with him. she said that while she understood what i was going through, that she was on my side, she still liked the exbf and thought him to be awesome. she loved that he was in love with me and that he took care of my son. genuine and true love.

how can i disagree? he is a beautiful soul, and the love he had for me is something that i deeply miss and yearn for. but from a different person.

he used to tell me, you and i belong together. we will be together forever because you are my soulmate.

i replied, but that doesnt mean it will last. sometimes, soulmates never live a lifetime together. its just enough that theyve met.

i believe this. i believe that love is too delicate to be played with. and that the pain is worth it, but still. sometimes, it just doesnt work out.

there were times after he left that i couldnt look forward to sharing my time with anyone else. it wasnt in my realm of thought, so i never worried about it.

dines also tells me that she thinks i always blocked the love he had for me. this is untrue. i cant keep him from feeling anything, but i didnt return the love in the same way or with the same passion.

did i love him? yes. absolutely. passionately. did he love me? in ways ive never imagined being loved, in ways i may never be loved again.

but i couldnt love him completely.

and i cant and wont ever love willal. he is in pain from his exwife, and i dont want to be a part of that. he says he is living his life, but i know that in time, this will be true. and i pray that he meets someone who will love him because he is like the exbf. they are better in relationships. this is where they shine. this is what they need.

and what i need is to be with someone who will love me. and who i will love. simple. brilliant. monumental. nothing more. nothing less.

all we need is love, right? thats all i need. i want to bathe in the luxury of love, have it cleanse me for all of my past sins, prepare me for the man that will love me for the rest of his life.

because in the end, i want him to remember that in his life, he was loved.

i feel him close. feel his presence around, but i cant pinpoint his exact location.

and when we meet, ill know. and i wont waiver, and i wont run. ill know. because i wont see him with my eyes but with my heart.

convictions

i am pulling away, pulling away from him because i know that he isnt the one.

and that once this ends, there will be room for the one.

so, im not going to fight it anymore. im done. hes done. were both pretty much done.

i hope he finds someone great.

i know i will.

the wheels are turning

i receive my transcript in the mail yesterday, and i am ready to quit my job and get started on the new one. unfortunately, ive been a bit lackadaisical at cleaning up my desk and all the paperwork from the last five years, so next week will be kind of crazy.

ive become a bit anxious lately. ive become tense, my shoulders ache, my head sometimes ache, and i just feel blah.

its times like these when i know that i really need someone.

an aha! moment comes today while im having lunch with roca and addi. we are talking about relationships, and i tell them that while i do adore willal, there is absolutely no hope for me to think or even feel he is the one. its been five months, and yet, we are not any closer, dont know each other any better, and havent done much other than have sex.

a big part of this is our schedules. but the honest part is that this thing between us is nothing more than what it is. he has told me that he isnt ready, so that is something that we dont talk about. and i know that im not ready for him and his issues, so i dont bring it up.

i want to get married. ive made a commitment to this idea just recently, out of nowhere, but its a strong thought. im ready now to be monogamous and be in a loving, healthy, committed relationship. i used to think i was, but my actions did not warrant it.

ive always maintained that i will marry only for one reason and one reason only: love. love. such a magnanimous word, such a beautiful word. and its something that hasnt been in my life for the past two years, but i welcome it now.

being around him, being away from him make me want to be with someone now. i think im a bit healthier and more well than a few months ago, and he has had a big hand in that. i like that he is part of my life right now. i like that ive helped him, and he has helped me.

but the man i want is not someone ive met yet. he is a combination of all of the good things that ive experienced with the boys and the men ive met. and while he isnt going to be perfect, hes going to be mine.

i am so hungry for some real affection. i want to make love with someone and know that it is making love in every sense of the word.

i want to be his. i want him to have me forever. i want to never long for another. i want to be more than enough for him.

and most of all, i want respect. i want that to be first and foremost in our relationship. that is what i learn from willal. that is what i take from the six months we have shared. and that is what he contributes to my next relationship.

and the exbf has given me so much to take with me. hes given me and taught me kindness and patience and unconditional love. i want to share that with someone now. again.

there have been times when i can almost fool myself into thinking that i could settle for something less than what i want. but then i get this sick feeling in my stomach. and i wont do it.

i want someone much stronger who i can lean on.

ive changed. because now, he can lean on me, too.

i cant wait to meet him.

hes growing up

in two weeks, our love affair will be 14 years old. tonite, he calls his father, and listening to him talk, i think this kid is becoming a man.

its scary and exciting all at once. hes got a great head on his shoulders, so im not all that worried, but still. im his mother, i have to fret.

im so fucking blessed as a mother, as a woman, as a daughter, as a sister, as a friend, as an educator, as a student. i am grateful for all that i have. especially this kid.

oh, yeah, he can drive me crazy. and he does. he is moody and lippy all the time. tonite, he is actually talkative and sweet. its normal, right?

its different now, isnt it?

ive always known all along that ive been barking up the wrong tree. since i met him, ive known that there would be an alarm to signal when time is up.

it was a struggle, but i tried to keep it together for as long as i could. even though there were a few incidents of sexual contact during the last 5 months, i really attempted to maintain a monogamous relationship. and for awhile, it was of my own volition. he was my choice. he was until last night.

maybe its me. thats what he says anyway. he says that its on my side, not his.

its a numbers game for me. i freak out when i think in terms of months, years. its silly of me, isnt it, to discount someone after a prescribed amount of time?

but such is my nature.

there were never problems, just concerns, even at the birth of this. time, for one and foremost. foundation, another. mix and match of our personalities.

we have a connection, you see, and because of it, it has been hard for me to break away from him. i feel it in our wet, hot kisses, when our bodies would merge into one, when he would make me cum just by his voice alone.

and maybe its me with my two major stresses right now: school and my mom. i wonder if i didnt have these onuses in my life if things would be different? but lets get real here. the comps are on the 24th of february. after that, its all good. but my mom?

my mom. i havent spoken to her for a few days because im so frustrated and feel helpless and weak. i pray for her recovery every day, yet i know that shes the one who has a major control of it. its going to take some divine intervention for her to really do something for herself because let me tell you, the woman can be a pain.

but i love her. shes so kind and loving, and she thinks of others before herself. i wish i got some qualities from her, the good ones, and i think i do, but sometimes, sometimes...i dont know where i came from.

so, here i sit, pondering what the hell it is that is really bothering me. is it me? of course it is.

******
i call him tonite on my way home from dinner with dines and on the way to pick up notes from roca. there is something about his voice, so soothing and safe. i love the sound of his voice especially when he is tired, and his words slur, and it is drawn out. i remember again what it is about him that keeps me.

you see, when i hear his voice, everything is okay again.

its so stupid, really, how i depend so much on him. how can i when he has his son who needs him more?

i put myself second because i know that if i had to, i would put my son first in any of my relationships. after the exbf, i learn this. i will never put my child in a predicament where he will be emotionally scarred.

******
he comes down the elevator to open the front door for me. i am disappointed that two boys ride up with us. once, i take his cock in my mouth when we are going up to the penthouse level, three floors up. i wanted to do that to him last night, but we had company.

i wink at him while the two boys chatter about something stupid, and when they get off at the second floor, i go to him, and i kiss him.

the first kiss when we see each other again. i hope i never take it forgranted because let me tell you, it breaks me down. it washes the day away. it says to me, "ive missed you, and i want you...now."

the first kiss leads to many more. in the loft, i pull his pants down, and i suck his cock and lick his ass while he stands in front of me. when i finish, he says, your turn.

no, im not done.

yes, but i want to taste you.

not yet.

come on, baby, your turn.

he takes my shoes off, my socks off, and finally my pants. he spreads my legs, and he licks my clit with the fleshy part of his tongue. all at once, i have no thoughts and many thoughts.

he pulls me down a bit further on the sofa so he can have access to my ass, and i am cumming and cumming. the leather is wet, and i love it because it is his spit and my cum.

an hour later, we are both satiated, and we are smiling at each other, and i look into his eyes and i wonder, why cant i allow myself to love him?

oh, wow

i just realized that i need to do some serious blogging about sex.

its just not in my realm of existence right now, though, last friday, he and i have a fine time. fine. okay. nice.

nice.

okay.

fine.

shit, if im hardly getting it because of this fucking test, the times i do get it better be mindblowing. damn hot. sinful.

but its my mindset. im really tense. oh, and god, the last time, he asked me if i was still attracted to him because i wasnt wet when we were fucking.

the thing is that i need a bit of foreplay, both mental and physical. i have to want him. and i do, but that night, the one before the last time we were together, i was a bit stressed. and he attacked me.

attacked me.

it was flattering, but i wasnt ready, so it took some time for me to relax.

the last time was nice. very. nice.

fine.

okay.

its time

i go to class tonite in thousand oaks, the first time in two years that ive had to make the hour-love drive. i dread it all day, but im glad i go. the building is really cool, the inside of it anyway, and there are some cute guys there. young. white. boys. and they said hi to me, and they were all friendly-like.

i call willal on the way, and he doesnt answer, and i am pissed. i talk to gaya for the first fifty minutes of my commute, then i call anwa to make sure i am going the right way. she and i talk about men, about how what we want dont coincide with what they want, yet we have a soft spot for them all the same.

i dont know what it is that i love so much about him. if i break it down, made an itemized list, the man falls short in all ways. but dammit, as a whole, hes awesome.

but i know that i want to settle down now and meet someone. i feel it. it isnt even about a choice, its all about time. my body is ready, my spirit is ready, my mind is ready, and my desire is ready.

now only if hes ready...

soon

im making myself physically ill from all the stress that is consuming me right now. i want to go back to a time before this phase in my life, or if not, i want to fast forward it.

i know that this is wishful thinking. that i cant magically transport myself to a time where i will be with the man that i love and who loves me, working as a counselor because i passed my comps, visiting my mom and sister and her family in the suburbs.

i am on autopilot, this i recognize. i am shutting people out temporarily so i have energy for myself. i just want and need silence, to just be.

and when i am this way, when i am a porcupine, i begin to think that people will appear and disappear due to sheer will.

i know the right thing to do with certain areas of my life. it saddens me to erase people from my life, but i take comfort in knowing that even though they are gone and my memories of them may fade, i still am so grateful for the pleasure of having met them.

today, i had to keep reminding myself to be conscious of the time and space around me at the smallest of moments. i have the tendency to go through movements and not really live the day.

im glad i am not in a relationship right now because of this damned test. i didnt expect it to be such a grand thing in my life, but it is. and there is no other way to get through it except to go through it.

im driving myself crazy for nothing. i know im going to pass this test. but sometimes, the fear of failure is the greatest motivation to pass.

feeling

shitty. just came back from the gym, and i feel ill. just a lot of stress.

and i know im being closed off right now with everyone, but i cant help it. im tired, im feeling sick, and im a bit down.

at least no one is calling.

thank God. i hate pressing the side button that silence the vibrations of my phone.

lessons learned

i first fell in love with her in high school when we had to read her autobiography i know why the caged bird sings. i lost touch with her throughout college and my early adulthood.

in the last few years, shes been friends with oprah, so shes come back into my life.

this is why i love the woman.

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
enough money within her control to move out
and rent a place of her own even if she never wants
to or needs to...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
something perfect to wear if the employer or date of her
dreams wants to see her in an hour...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a youth she's content to leave behind...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a past juicy enough that she's looking forward to
retelling in her old age...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ....
a set of screwdrivers, a cordless drill, and a black
lace bra...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
one friend who always makes her laugh... and one who
lets her cry...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a good piece of furniture not previously owned by anyone
else in her family...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
eight matching plates, wine glasses with stems, and a
recipe for a meal that will make her guests feel honored...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE ...
a feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
HOW TO QUIT A JOB,
BREAK UP WITH A LOVER,
AND CONFRONT A FRIEND WITHOUT RUINING THE FRIENDSHIP...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
when to try harder... and WHEN TO WALK AWAY...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that she can't change the length of her calves,
the width of her hips, or the nature of her parents...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
that her childhood may not have been perfect...but its
over...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she would and wouldn't do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
how to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
whom she can trust,
whom she can't,
and why she shouldn't
take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
where to go...
be it to her best friend's kitchen table...
or a charming inn in the woods...
when her soul needs soothing...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW...
what she can and can't accomplish in a day...
a month...and a year...

pro...cras...ti...na...tion

the last week of classes in december causes me so much stress. i was vain then, thinking that i can do everything at the last minute.

i even text willal one night: why do i procrastinate?

he responds: because you are better under pressure?

im not better under pressure. in fact, i could do so much better, and i end up disappointed in myself. my procrastination has caused me financially, emotionally, and physically. hence, the new year promise.

i find that while im improving in certain areas of my procrastination, it is still a struggle to prioritize and to get things done.

this is an article that i happen upon. it has made me more aware of the impact of procrastination.

ill share it with you, my fellow procrastinators. please read it soon.

No more excuses

• Make weekly, even daily, to-do lists, says Bruce Tuckman of Ohio State University. Entries must be specific, and no task should take more than an hour.

• Don't expect to be perfect. ("If you do 80% of your goal, feel good," says Joseph Ferrari of DePaul University.)

• Make a start, any start. If you're writing on Elizabethan poets, choose one. Start your day with your easiest task. "I've written a lot of books, and still there are times when I just don't want to sit down to work," says Massachusetts psychologist Bill Knaus. "Once I start something, it's easier to go back to it."

• Ditch distractions. It may make sense to check your voicemail once but not 100 times in a row, says Timothy Pychyl of Carleton University. Learn to notice when you get carried away, and stop. In fact, adds Piers Steel of the University of Calgary, why not (horror!) turn off your e-mail?

• If you think you work best under pressure, think again. Maybe you've only ever tried working under pressure. Try getting an early start and see what happens. Picture yourself finishing on time, without rushing — or rushing and still finishing late. One is better.

• Make deals with yourself. As soon as you choose your Elizabethan poet, then you get to call Elizabeth Whatchamacallit.

• Don't let yourself off the hook. If you blow it, don't say, "Darn, I blew it" and just stop trying. Say, "Darn, I blew it. Now I have to try again."

• Note how much time you spend avoiding something — and how much time you spend when you actually do it. "A client of mine once spent 40-something hours to avoid two minutes of work," Knaus says.

• Finally, for the sake of all humankind, don't coddle dawdlers. And give early birds a bonus.

(source: http://www.latimes.com/features/health/la-he-procrastination22jan22,1,5569757.story?page=2&coll=la-headlines-health)

keeping it together

ive made a decision. ive made a decision to take care of myself, to choose myself, to do what is best for myself. this is a promise ive made for the new year, and by golly, im going to stick to it.

so, my mom is still in the hospital, and i found out some disturbing news that not only is disturbing, but also incredulous, and it pisses me off. i have to create some distance from it because if i dont, im going to seriously get sick and die of a heart attack. i dont mean to be so dramatic, but i have to think in extremes here.

also, comps are on february 24th. i have to pass this because i dont want to 1) study for it again, and 2) invest so much time stressing about it. that means ive got to focus on this and disregard anything else except my son. by default, i might be celibate. this is okay by me. i dont want any distractions.

i wish i knew how to handle stress in more proactive ways that doesnt mean shutting myself off or shutting other people out of my life. but as it is, im in crisis mode, and this is how i chose to live my life until the 24th.

the fucked up thing is that my birthday and my nieces birthday fall on the 2nd of february, and my sons birthday falls on the 9th of february. how to celebrate? i wanted a big, grand thing, but i dont think i can right now.

oh, yeah, my moms birthday is next sunday, the 28th, and guess where shell be? in the hospital. she couldve easily not be there, but she, too, made a decision.

i know that somewhere in this muddled mess there is reason that my family and i are going through this. i see some effects of it already, positive effects. at least thats how i choose to see it.

i want my life to be easier, to be slower, to be boring. but lets face it. ive never had an easy life, let alone slow or boring. if it came to that, i would seriously wonder if im dead.

heres to a fabulous year!!! i know the sun is trying to peek into my life, but right now, the clouds are just in the way. thank God i dont live in seattle. sunny days will come again.

patterns

when im stressed, i do very reactive things. in the past, drugs, sex, and hibernation are said things.

this time, i need a new release.

i can feel my heart racing fast, the anxiety taking over the chambers, transporting blood to my body and back again in swift motions that i feel dizzy, light headed, sick.

my senses are heightened. i need to slow my pulse down. ive been doing some deep breathing, but im not dedicating as much time as id like. plus, i have to constantly remind myself to do it. i find that breathing relieves alot of my stress. or i just perceive it does. either way, i need to lessen my tension.

i have to go back to the gym. i have to sweat, to build, to focus on something other than what is going on around me. i miss yoga. i will do it again next thursday, and i will commit to it for four sessions. thats how i have to do it, four sessions at a time.

im so into 420. my friends have some really great kind. roca and carfi are my main source because my friend hasnt come through. i didnt know there were so many different names for 420, but my education will begin soon.

im not going to be reactive to the situations that surround me now. im going to be proactive, and then im going to do something that is very difficult. im going to give up control. im going to let go and let God. this, ive found, has been the best thing for me to do in any and all situations.

deal or dont deal

another session. another uncomfortable, sticky, fifty-minute, face-myself session.

the other day, he tells me he is at his moms house taking a nap. i innocently texted back: ur mom or ur exes? are you moving back in? on our way home from dinner, finally.

innocent, right? just words. no big deal. no. big. deal. but to him it is. he tore a new hole in me by writing: dont fuck with me after the weekend i had.

well, i guess i am put in my place. how else to respond except with: good night and good bye.

he sends off another message about reaching out to his family, blah blah blah, yada yada yada, and then: if you dont want me around, tell me. i have nothing but respect for you.

oh? i fire off: THIS IS NOT RESPECTFUL: dont fuck with me after the weekend i had.

okay, so i know that i may have - in the slightest of chances - fucked with him. i hit a nerve with the exwife. i bring up constantly that they should try to reconcile.

why are you so hypervigilant about them reconciling? has he mentioned it? asks sanva.

no, he doesnt. i bring it up. i brought it up when they were spending christmas at his sisters and then when she got sick.

why do you do it?

i dont deal with his situation well. i choose to purposely ignore it, deny it, gloss over it. its something i dont want to deal with in my life.

i know that this wont last, so i dont really want to know. i dont want to invest in this. and it tears me apart because he is a fantabulous man. he is sick today, his body succumbing to the stress of the past few days. so i leave him alone.

last night is horrible. he felt it. i felt it. and yet...he came twice.

sh...

...it. today is the first day of class with a fabulously challenging teacher, but am i there? no. instead, im home.

why? because my right eye is swollen. it starts like this: my eyes get a tingly feeling, so i put some visine in them. then, they get itchy, and i pour more visine. my left eye responds. my right eye feels itchier. i dont do anything. i ignore it. i pretend all is well. then, it swells up. fucking shit. it swells up.

i drive to target to pick up some benadryl, and i take it, but nothing. fucking shit. nothing.

i hope to make it to my 7 o'clock class, but im afraid, i wont be able to.

and i wonder if willal will be free tonite? if he is, i need to see him. need to. i need his warmth.

the dream

i call him last night, and he sounds tired. to top it off, hes sick. i know his days are full, and when he comes home, he has to take care of the boy, feed him, bathe him, put him to bed. the boy is energy times ten.

im so thankful to the good Lord that my son is capable of taking care of himself. lately, hes been asking me to cook dinner, but quite frankly, there is a reason why i havent. its laziness. but soon, soon i will. we are both sick and tired of take out and restaurant food. the convenience is great, but its time.

last night, we talk about this and that. i dont bring up the other night because i want to see his face, his reaction, his eyes when i do. i wont excuse his actions. i dont care that he is tired, cranky, stressed. he isnt allowed to treat me this way, especially not if we continue this.

the boy is in the tub, and he is happy. willal checks up on him every so often while he talks to me, and his patience with him is amazing. its so controlled. and i know, i feel, i sense that this boy loves him so much.

when the boy gets out, he asks who is on the phone. willal tells him that it is me, and the boy says he wants to talk to me. the first time we talk, i tell the boy that im the operator which makes him promptly give the phone back to his father.

last night, he gets a chance to talk to me again.

who is this?

its the operator. remember me?

the operator?

yup.

no, it isnt. who is this?

its the operator.

daddy, who is this?

so, did you have a good day?

im going to kick your butt if you dont tell me who this is.

oh, yeah? if you kick my butt, im going to tickle you.

no, youre not.

oh, yes, i am, so youd better run because im coming to get you!!!

giggles ensue. in the background, he says, daddy, shes going to tickle me, and im going to kick her butt.

willal tells him, dont you say that. you dont know her to play like that. that isnt very nice.

but shes going to tickle me.

i said dont say that.

i interrupt him because i dont want the boy to be embarassed, and eventually, the boy goes on to watch something in bed before his curfew.

willal is the best. there is a scare with the boy on saturday morning, and i know that he is so frightened about anything happening to his son. his son is his life, his reason for living, and i understand this.

it has been a long time since we have seen each other. i dont miss him as much as before because ive been preoccupied. i love the preocc, except hes a wild card.

oh, well.

fucking classes start tonite. im so tired. i can fall asleep right now.

smiling

he only has an hour or so before he turns into someone completely different. im not welcomed in this world, although some days, i wish to be. i give him a small gift, and i find im thinking of him more often.

i lie down, and he moves over me, finds my hole, and fucks me. he lifts my legs to get in deeper, and he moves in and out of me. he watches me, and he whispers to me, i want you to cum. let go.

i cum on his cock, and he loves this. he tells me. he encourages me to pulse my pussy around him, and the sounds he makes when i do make me weak.

so, it happens, when he is about to cum, he says, im cumming now. he pushes deeper, holds me tighter, and i feel him cum in me.

my face is in his neck, and i smile. my body is shaking, and im still cumming.

why are you smiling? he asks.

was i?

yes, i felt it.

where?

here, against my neck. why are you smiling?

i have no reason. it was just incredible, thats all.

say it.

say what?

say it, whatevers on your mind, say it. talk to me.

i have nothing to say right now. just come here, lie next to me.

he does. he talks to me for a little while, then he gets up to take a shower. come with me?

no, not tonite.

when?

next time.

he leaves me to myself, and i lie there trying to come down from this high. when he comes out, i get up and get dressed.

he walks me to my car, and he gives me a hug good bye. he isnt the best hugger. its really just a pat pat. it isnt sincere. well, to be truthful, my hugs arent either.

he spots them, and i jump into my car and drive away.

twenty minutes later, he calls me about a visitor who arrived after i left.

such a close call. random visit, he thinks, but i know better.

it is the first time i allow myself to feel fear. it is the first time i see myself as a person i dont want to become. it is the first time i accept the situation for what it is.

i cant let go of the first one, but im afraid that if i dont, its going to be two years later and no progress will have been made. i want to keep a distance. i know he doesnt want anything from me. i like that. its easy, breezy, lemon squeezy. i want it to be simple. i want it to be fun.

because with the first one, its very serious. theres a strong connection, chemistry, intimacy. and it scares me, turns me around, and fucks with me.

this is what happens

he gets really moody and acts like a motherfucker sometimes. i know why. its because he hasnt had me, hasnt released his cum in me, on me for some time. more than a week, in fact. but it isnt lack of desire. its because his son has been with him.

i do not know how he will have the time for a relationship when he is ready. im sure he will introduce his son to her, do things as a trio, and welcome her into their lives. as it stands now, two parts of his life - me and his son - are separate.

this is okay by me. i dont have the energy for a five and a half year old. hes very energetic, it seems, and its good that they spend time alone. i dont want the two parts of my life - him and my son - to merge, either. the boy isnt up to having someone new in our lives if its temporary.

last night, he is an ass. he doesnt know this yet, but ive dropped hints. we will talk about it when we get together, but for now, it remains unsaid. its there, but we havent talked about it yet.

we have a connection, and i doubt that it will ever lessen, not even with others in our lives. im not the only one with whom he has said connection - there is, after all, the exwife - but ours is strong. it is instant, too, as well as constant.

ive tried to remove him out of my life, and even as i commit sins, i subconsciously force his departure. but im defeated at these attempts. he is meant to stay, no matter how hard i fight it, so i no longer fight it. instead, i succumb.

oh, i still have one foot out the door, as the exbf used to tell me. one word, and im out. if he tells me his exwife has decided it is time for him to go back, ill let go easily and simply. it will sting, but it is imbedded in my cognition, so it isnt unexpected.

i love the movie prince of tides, even though the ending makes me cry and cry in the arms of my sons father when we see it so long ago. skip this if you dont want to know how it ends, who tom wingo chooses.

the thing is that it is the right choice, but not necessarily the best choice. if i had to choose, would i choose a loveless marriage for the sake of my child, for the sake of doing the right thing, for the sake of my own happiness in exchange for that of my childs? or would i stay, stay in the arms of a man who will love me because he understands me, the core me?

i encourage him to try to make it work with his exwife, which is partly what made him be such an ass to me. ive made his choice for him, that is for what i am to be blamed, even though i dont think that is what he wants.

my mother and father chose their children. this is part of why i am so fucked up about relationships. they didnt try to work it out, though. they were just making time until we were old enough to leave the house to go to college.

could i do this? if i were to stay, i would demand more of myself and of my husband. i would give him my life and my love and my sex. i would find a way to be happy with my choice. in turn, he would have to give me his best every single minute until i can trust him again. i would have to forgive and forget, to concentrate on the now, to not look forward into the future.

that is how i would like to deal with things. ive been very forgiving lately. forgiving of hurts that are not intended but nevertheless impressed upon me. forgiving of myself, of fucking up, of fucking. its my promise this year to be kinder to myself.

this situation with him is a mess, and i want something easier. i can do this for as long as it takes, but i know that eventually, my will will find its way to someone, THE ONE. thats why im not stressing out as much.

breathe.

now, if i can please have your positive energy and prayers surround me until february 24th. and my mom still needs your healing energies.

thanks.

closing time

he was so disrespectful just awhile ago. this is actually the stab in the heart that i didnt think would come.

good night and good bye.

happy birthday

dr. king, your legacy lives on in the hearts of those who knew you and in the minds of those who wish they did.

i want a fireplace

damn, its cold.

my love for fireplaces comes from long ago. the boys father invites me to his fathers house in the mountains. we go there, spread a blanket in front of the fireplace and make love in front of it all night.

i love how the flames made shadows on his body. and when i look at the wall, the light from the fire shows how his moves in and out of me slowly, delicately.

i dont remember how we make love, but i know that it is often and with such intensity. i dont think weve ever fucked, but we have made love always. even in the end. there is such a sweetness about him.

i think about him sometimes, about how he is probably the only one ive ever loved. i loved the exbf, but not the way i loved the boys father.

i always imagined that the boys father would rescue me again, protect us, and build a home for us. but that is just a fantasy that will never come true.

hes the only one, you see, that has ever made me feel that i would never cheat. hes the only one i felt i could live with, marry, and spend my days with. but my memory fails me, i know.

he hates me. he loves me so much that he hates me. everyone wonders what i did to deserve this, but i know i have nothing to do with his feelings. they are his own, and i will not be blamed for them. thats his struggle, not mine.

but i want a fireplace. i want it, especially tonite when it is so fucking cold. i dare not turn on the heat because i havent changed the filters. ive gotten a cold, and my body is achy, my nose runny, my head cloudy.

god, i want HIM right now. where the fuck is HE, and why do i have to wait for HIM for so long?

dammit, its cold.

cryptic

i start this. i give in to temptation, give in to my want for him. i wonder what it is about him, what makes this need to see him so strong that i would do anything to have him be in me.

ive been taking a rest from the previous situation because of unavailability. i actually dont mind it as much because it allows me time for him.

he is not my type, yet, the desire is there. it is so strong, and whenever i see him, i throw myself into his arms and find his lips with mine and kiss him.

he comes to me on an afternoon. at first, i think he is kidding with me, but when he shows up less than 15 minutes later, im surprised. it is surreal to see him on my turf, and how lovely that he wants to fill one of my fantasies, but i cant there.

we leave, drive through traffic, and finally, we are together again. i tell him all the time that he makes me laugh, not like a clown, but because of his sense of humor. hes flirtatious, and i know im not the only one he is involved with.

when i take off my shirt, he sees the mark and questions me about it. i tell him it is from him, and he is upset because he knows it isnt. he isnt upset that it is there, as he clarifies for me, but he is upset that i accuse him of putting it there. whatever.

it bothers him, i think, that he isnt the only one. i dont know him well, but our situation is unique, and sometimes, he is reminded of how fucked up we both really are. thats when he becomes distant. he pulls himself away from me, and i see in his eyes a questioning of my intentions.

when i try to touch him, he swats my hand away. when i try to make a joke, he just looks into my eyes intently. he holds my gaze, and i tell him to let me know when he is ready. his mood switches when we can no longer hold the seriousness of it, and when we laugh, i wiggle into his arms.

he tells me the other day, youre pretty.

and when i smile into his neck after an amazing orgasm, and when he asks, why are you smiling?, i have no answer for him. he waits for an answer, but i have none. he urges me, go on, and say it. what is on your mind? talk to me. this is when i pull him close to me.

my favorite part is after. when we talk and when he makes himself comfortable in my arms. he tells me stories of his life, something i find so intimate, something that draws me to him.

we never talk about my other situation. although, i do tell him that it will be over soon, the other one and me because i believe he will choose his exwife. when he brings anything up about the situation, i silence him. there is nothing i want to know.

he and i laugh. and he is sweet. understandably, he has to protect himself so he maintains a distance. good for him. i dont want him around all the time anyway, but a few days a week, a few hours a day even is very good for us.

he is nothing like the other one. at all. he makes me feel like we have known each other for awhile. the other one makes me feel so warm, though.

i dont want to give either of them up, although i know that there will come a time when it will be impossible to keep both or either.

im ready now to meet someone. i want to so badly share myself with THE ONE. he will come. i know it. its going to just take time.

this, y'all, is hope.

maintaining

ive never been really good at maintaining friendships, familyships, or any other type of relationships for that matter. in fact, if people dont call to check up on me, id probably never get a chance to talk to them again.

it isnt intentional, i promise. but if it isnt in front of my face, i forget about it. my cupboards are full of things unused and food uneaten because i dont check up in them as much as i should.

but tonite, there is a coup. i see the cast of characters again: marba, jado, the kid, anapi, and pedme. we go out to celebrate jados birthday (it was actually in november). and we make plans to go out for my birthday which happens to be on groundhogs day which happens to land on a friday this year.

i miss the luxury of hanging out. our times now are filled with significant others (not my time, per se), school (me), work, and other engagements. anapi and the kid live less than five minutes from me, yet, i havent seen them since...last october? september? even maybe august.

i have to work on maintaining. this year, i will spend more time with family and friends. i have to. they fulfill me. i love the times we spend together.

d keeps emailing me. our timing sucks. tomorrow, he wants to meet, but ive caught this damned cold, and i have no energy. do i even want to see him anymore? i dont know. i fear my memory is better than what i may find when i see him again.

see, thats the thing. too much time has passed. i dont know him anymore. not that i did, but the excitement is no longer there. the thought of him just doesnt do anything for me anymore.

it isnt him. he sends me pictures of his body, which i must say has been sculpted. his broad shoulders are mighty nice, but ive never been one to go for cosmetics. i wish i knew him better. i wish i knew how his mind worked.

and calo. wow. i dont know how that happens again, but it does. twice. in a row. four times in total. shit. its becoming so easy now, but we cant be stupid about it.

i wonder about the other. ive closed my heart to him. i dont even see him the way i used to, with this awe and amazement. hes just a typical guy, like hes always told me. oh, well. its all good.

i want THE ONE to come now. its a fucking cold night. and i want him next to me, keeping me warm.

im a whore

...for funny, that is. if you can get into my head, and the way to do that is to be witty and fun, you can get into my pants.

...for a good picture taken by a camera.

...for a strong, confident man.

...for a shy man who is also confident and strong.

...for humility.

...for love.

...for whoever handles my scandals.

the time has come

i warn him today that when we get together again, i have to talk to him about something. it isnt bad, i tell him, not at all. trust me, i say.

whatever. i want to have this conversation. need to say whats been on my mind because the third time has just occured.

i get laser eye surgery about 8 or 9 years ago. it is the most painless procedure. i remember removing the bandages, opening my eyes, and seeing everything clearly, precisely.

this is how it is now with him.

sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me. silly wabbit.

marks

he leaves them on my body now, in spaces that can be viewed by the public.

its as if he wants people to know my secret, that i have a lover that i never, ever talk about except to the priviledged few.

theres a red reminder over my right breast that shows when i wear one of my favorite v-neck shirts. i notice it today when i pull the brown shirt over my head and check myself in the mirror. im modest, people, very modest in my taste of clothes, although not modest enough for my mothers taste (not what you think, and that is one secret i wont share - but willal and other boys know).

last night, i find another relic in the middle of my back right below my neck. and my shoulders, although not marked, suffer from the pain of his bites.

he always seems stunned at what hes done whenver he gets a glimpse of the bites. once, i can tell he felt badly because he allowed an ouch escape from his lips, hoping to be undetected - but was - by me. he pulled me close and said, im sorry. they look like they hurt.

they dont, baby. its okay.

the other night, he was fucking me doggy style when his teeth find my skin. i whisper, dont leave marks, please.

why not?

just please dont. i dont want to answer questions with lies.

tell me.

well, my niece saw the one on my shoulder, and i had to lie.

uh huh.

please, dont. leave. marks.

he does, though. not out of disrespect to my wishes, but to keep his interest protected. at times, he exhibits such possessiveness with me. he knows better now than to outrightly ask me again if im fucking anyone else. i always answer with the same indignance, why? are you fucking someone else? dont make the mistake of thinking that im you.

the other night, i tell him, i have to start going out with the people ive neglected the last five months.

oh? like who?

well, theres this one guy.

tell me. what does he do?

hes some music engineer or something. im not sure.

youre going out with him?

i think so. dont you go out with anyone?

no.

oh, i thought you were.

ive gotten over the need to do that. maybe in the future, but not now.

at first, i think its because his life - career, finances, me - is up in the air, but maybe, just maybe he just doesnt want to.

before he left for his sisters house christmas eve, i ask him, why dont you and your ex get back together?

what? where is this coming from?

well, you know, its the christmas spirit. i believe that people should be together.

i could ask the same of you.

well, if any of my exes ever talk to me again, i wouldnt consider it. i dont want to live my life like that again. with any of them.

for me, im not as lonely now as i was when i was with her. at this point, he looks at me. and i cant match his gaze, so i kiss him. hard.

hes falling for me. i can tell. it isnt so much the sex, although hes a guy, and the sex is fucking great. but his heart is opening. i like that it is, like that the seduction of getting to know me is better than making a hasty decision of being in love with me before knowing me.

and i wont play with his heart. its very delicate, very special. he doesnt go into something without thinking about it almost obsessively. and if he were to allow his heart to be a part of this, it is with careful thought and planning.

but hes slowly, s-l-o-w-l-y, ever so slowly falling for me. and if it is true, if it isnt my imagination, then im very grateful.

but sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me. which is why in this case, as hes told me before, im going with my heart.

lusting

im not sure exactly why, but lately, ive been craving d. it isnt that ive seen him or talked to him, but we have exchanged some emails. they havent been the hot, usual ones; however, there is something in me that seems to need his cock in me.

it has been august since the last time i see him. i dont spend much time at his place; i remember him gently kicking me out because he was so exhausted from work and from the three hours we spent. he could barely get his body moving, and getting dressed seemed strenuous so i helped him.

i cant recall his hands in mine, his lips on my pussy, his sheets beneath me, but something is inexplicably making me want him. so bloody much.

and my friend. god, he is so beautiful. i call him this morning.

hey, happy new year!

happy new year, too. how have you been?

good and not so good. how about you?

im good. i called you several times. did you get my messages?

my mom has been in the hospital since the day after christmas. i havent really been checking voice mail messages. someone had to email me to tell me that my voice mailbox was full.

oh. your mom. shes in the hospital?

yeah.

sorry to hear that.

its been tough. plus ive been struggling with the district.

have you started your new job?

yeah, im there right now.

you are?

no!!! i wouldnt leave without saying goodbye to you and giving you a little sumthin sumthin.

yeah? you want to give me sumthing?

yeah...scratch paper. (inside joke.)

he has been so suggestive lately. i love when he gets courageous and flirts with me. i have to be mild with him. i wouldnt mind, though, if something happened between us, something uncomplicated and fun. get stoned, make out, have sex, go about our lives, then perhaps do it again. but hes such a pussy sometimes, and seeing as im not a lesbian (but i do have tendencies, as some would like to believe), i cant stand it.

*****
i want to, have to, need to love again. i crave it in my life, and i need it so. not in desperation because of loneliness, but as taking a risk, doing something different.

its been two years now. i think its time to get back in the saddle and do it. allow it to come. i want it to come.

upon talking to willal tonite, his little one asks who he is on the phone with. surprisingly, he says my name. the boy is five and a half, surely, he doesnt want to hear a womans name other than his own mother. right?

he says my name with such a roll of the ere on the second syllable. it excites me, and ive never loved the sound of my own name before.

our time together has grown to be something pretty spectacular. we have gotten closer; i can feel the difference in his kisses. its become more melodic almost, the way his tongue finds mine, the way his teeth find my lower lip. always he bites them, sometimes i think, to keep his control.

perhaps he trusts me a bit more now that ive proven that i wont desert him and that i will help him in his time of need. i know that the way he treats me isnt contingent on the help ive given him, that hes always been respectful to me which speaks volumes on his character.

but i know that while he and i are very special to each other, there is also a voice in me that reminds me that hes not the one. there is nothing wrong with him at all. in fact, hes a wonderful man, and i would be fortunate to be with him, but.

theres always that unexplainable but. and it could be anything...but hes got baggages that dont go with mine; but hes told me that he wasnt ready; but i dont have the mettle to put up with all that he would ask me to put up with; but hes not the one.

im vain because i dont think hes the one. i mean, in all honesty, i block out any feelings or thoughts on the matter because i dont want him to be the one. i cant. my heart has closed off any and all chances. i do love him, but theres always a but.

its sad, you know. its sad that our timing is so fucking off. its sad that he and i will just be blips in each others memories once this year really gets started.

because im ready now. im ready to share my life. all of my life, my child, my successes, my perceived failures (because, lets face it, no one ever really fails...but a lesson learned is a lesson learned), my hopes, my reality. and i know it is going to take a strong man, a special man to absorb this, to take this ride with me and my boy.

i dont want another child, either. i wouldnt know where to fit one in, how to take care of an infant, how to be a mother to a baby. wanna know a secret? my mom took care of my boy from infancy to about 2 because it just wasnt my cup of tea.

dont get me wrong. i loved this child of mine since the first time i saw his extremely beautiful face. but i was young then, immature, scared of breaking him. i never played with dolls, never understood what the hell they were for, hence the lack of maternal instinct.

im more of a lioness protecting a cub. not really sweet with the ooohhhsss and aaahhhsss that new mothers usually do. i marveled at how i kept a life inside of me, and i fretted at how i was going to protect this life and make it valuable.

when i made the decision to be a mother, to take care of this child and have a hand in guiding him to his destiny, the baby was a boy, complete with a great personality and a charm that i like to think comes from me.

my child is handsome, everyone says so. but it isnt just face value. the kid is intelligent (how he pulled up his grades and his test scores still amazes me), determined (i wont go to summer school...just give me a chance, ill pull my grades up, i promise...and he did), athletic (mom, i made the starting team for basketball today, he tells me at 3 pm), musically inclined (all-city orchestra, baby), and sweet and compassionate (you just have to be there at those moments). any girl would be lucky to have him.

and because this kid is amazing and because i want to be amazing, i cant just let anyone come into our lives. i did that before, and while we loved the exbf and he loved us, he almost destroyed us with his vices. sometimes, love isnt enough.

but when i get the chance to love again and to be loved, i hope my blindness to such things wont hinder my hearts vision. i pray that he melts the walls of fortitude with his love and patience and his ability to see past my bullshit.

thats what i want now. thats what i will patiently wait for. thats what ive been preparing myself for.

he is coming. just around the corner. i feel it.

comfort zone

i get there, and he is in his car, waiting for me. i beckon him to my car, and he is first unsure of what i want. i cock my head to one side, and i gesture for him to join me.

he gets in my car, while i am talking to elaro, and we drive to the bank. after, we get food for him, and then we make a stop at the 7-11.

i hope i dont see anyone i know, i say. i dont know why i say it, but it leads him to question.

why not?

i just dont feel like bumping into anyone. i always feel this way, but i never say it, except tonite, it quickly and smartly escapes from my mouth.

what do you mean?

im not in the mood to see anyone, so i hope i dont bump into anyone.

he drops it. he makes his purchase, and as we are walking to the car, this boy (cute, waiting for the bus) nods approvingly at me. i smile back, unlock the car door, and get in.

he, however, stands outside, staring down the boy who is waiting for the bus. i mistakenly think that he doesnt know that the door is unlocked, so i reach over and open the door for him. they begin talking about the bus lines, among other things.

when he gets in the door, i am steaming. i gather myself before i start.

what was that all about?

what?

that. outside. how did you begin talking?

i asked him what was up.

why?

because he was looking at you.

i dont know what kind of girls you are used to, but let me tell you how i am. i take care of my own shit. if i want to talk to someone, i will. if i dont, i wont.

i know.

so, i dont like that shit. oh, but wait, i get it. he disrespected you because he was looking at me.

yup.

i dont understand this shit with guys. this possessiveness bullshit. he has a temper. hes told me about it. i wont tell him about mine because one day, it might rear its ugly head.

this is why he and i cannot go out. i know that if anything happens, he will freak out. but the thing is, i would never disrespect him by talking to another. however, sometimes, its just an innocent conversation with someone i would not be remotely interested in.

he needs support right now, and thats what im doing. supporting. i know there is another out there for me. but until hes ready to come into my life, ill hang with willal.

lately, though, ive noticed that willal has been really intimate and passionate, touchy feely. last night, when i was lying on the bed with the blanket over me, my legs peering out from under them, knees up in the air, he looks at me and says, you look very sexy right now.

to which i reply, huh?

im not really very good at taking compliments, but then again, neither is he. i have to tell him to say thank you instead of the usual hush when i give him a compliment. hes getting better.

this is what i do. i raise boys to be husbands. one day, id like to marry one of my homegrown.

im ready now, you know. im ready now to love and be loved. i owe this to willal and even november. my fears are slowly fading, my anxiety level lowering, and everything is clear now.

i want love in my life. i want to share a future with my man and my child. this is what i want. i will hold out for it because i deserve it.

and its coming. soon. i feel it in the air. keep your fingers crossed.

its over

my three-week vacation is over. work begins again tomorrow. damn. but its all good. life is good with a job. and the clock is ticking.

my mom is still in the hospital. i dont know what the hell is happening, but im sure things will be better soon. at least, thats what i tell myself. im so fucking frustrated still because she doesnt say what shes feeling. i dont fucking get this. well, i do, i exhibit this trait, too, but im getting better.

she has the best nurse who might introduce me to her husbands friend. im glad. im looking forward to this. he spent new years eve with them. hopefully, hes great and fun. someone who is going to be a friend first and foremost. we shall see.

and im thinking of buying property in vegas. i need something to invest in to pay for my sons education. i have to talk to my uncle, who has six houses now there since september. hes sort of a con artist, someone good to know because he can "help out", if you know what i mean.

im going to see d sometime this week. ive decided. i like him. i need him. i want him.

post secret

do y'all visit this site? have y'all scanned the pages of the books of the same name?

some of the secrets have made me laugh, have made me weep, have made me feel joined. ive been so tempted to send in some of my own secrets, but instead, i share them with you.

there is a secret that i hope w will never find out. it was a mistake, a not-too-regrettable mistake, but it was wrong the second time. the first time was awesome, and the second time was just me acting out.

w is so amazingly sweet, and i dont want to hurt him ever. they are supposed to go away, did i tell you? they are supposed to spend some time together, and i pray the secret wont be revealed.

im sure youve all visited the site already, but if you havent, click on the title.

wipeout

once, a long time ago, the exbf taught me a game called wipeout. its a game with all these really cool racing machines for playstation. i was so hooked on it that i couldnt sleep one night, and i played it from midnight to three in the morning. sometimes, i get obsessed.

yesterday, in honor of it being shitty and all, we go to game crazy, and i buy it for $9. i felt so happy, y'all, but the whole time my son and i are playing it, we are making references to the exbf about how great he was and how hed love this game now.

lately, ive been thinking of him because my mom is sick, and i need his comfort. he was my best friend for five years, even if things were really bad. he knew me, accepted my shortcomings, and loved me. when he held me, the world disappeared, and i was okay.

i feel that way when i am in willals loft. i feel like im on a mini-vacation when im there. but he isnt my best friend. he isnt the exbf. and i want to feel loved like that again. and i want to love again.

i want to love again like ive never loved before. i know this means taking risks and being vulnerable, but im ready. i welcome it. it just isnt with anyone ive met so far.

baggages and issues

my mom should be released on tuesday because apparently, this medicine shes on is working. heres what bothers me. medicine works only as long as your body is not resistant to it. once your body figures out whats happening, it begins to overpower the strength of the medicine.

an option is for surgery. i would take that option. yes, surgery is risky, but fuck, so is driving a car in this city, so why the hell not? theres been so much progress in the medical field, its almost silly to suffer chronically when something can be done about it.

my mom isnt happy with me right now. last tuesday, i called her, and she was groggy and hungry. she hadnt eaten because the fucking hospital food had spices that she absolutely must not have, and she wasnt assertive enough to fucking say something.

thats always been the problem. she isnt assertive. and then i realize that im not assertive when it comes to getting what i want, too. sometimes. sometimes, im aggressive, which isnt good either. so, one of the promises for this year is to take care of myself, to be more assertive in doing so.

but shes upset with me because she thinks i yelled at her when in actuality, i was pissed off with the fucking staff who didnt give her food (and it was 9 pm, y'all), but it wasnt really their fault because she didnt say anything.

when i saw her yesterday, she didnt talk to me. she talked indirectly to me through my sister or the air. she never addressed me directly. this would have bothered me had i not been used to this treatment. when we lived together, it was much worse.

ant tells me that i should not let this get in the way of anything, especially since shes sick. i agree with him, but im also kind of fucking weakened here because i cant do anything to help her. no one can. thats what is so frustrating.

i love ant, i really do, and if he didnt have such a weird fetish or dependency, id consider hanging out with him, but hes got issues i do not want to deal with.

and willal has baggages i dont want to deal with, so slowly, im starting to back away. i feel it. i dont even want to see him right anytime soon. i know whats happening. im closing up, cleansing myself, and providing the distance i need so that i can open up to someone new when he comes along.

this is my pattern. i love willal, though. hes a great person, and hes just an amazing man. i just dont want his baggages in my life. im not capable of dealing with it.

i have to start fresh. as soon as my comps are over at the end of february, im going to start dating again. i have to see d. his cock in me is what i need right now. i keep flaking on him, and hes been so patient, but i can tell its wearing off. i dont blame him.

2 hours

i leave a message on his answering machine, hoping that my voice wont betray the stress of my day. he doesnt call right away, but when he does, i immediately feel calm.

i ask him to bite me when we are fucking. i love the feeling of heat when his teeth sink into my flesh, sometimes biting into a nerve or tendon. but what i love most is the marks he leaves, making me his even if its only in my mind.

he leaves his mark close to the viewing surface of my shoulders, and today, my 3 year-old niece asks me what the mark is. i lie, telling her its from my backpack, and her naiivete endears me even more to her.

he calls today when he gets home from some lea shit, and we make small talk. he tells me of his day, and then he asks me about mine. i tell him about my mom.

we go on to share things, and i know that he and i have opened up to each other more than to other people. ive become more honest with him, even if this isnt going to go anywhere. i make a promise to develop some skills while we have this time together so that when THE ONE comes, ill be prepared.

he is someone ive come to trust. im not going to give him my heart, but i will give him something of importance, which is my friendship. i do not know anything greater than that at this point. i have nothing more of value to offer.

i dont want his heart, either, because i do not think it is his to give out. i have a suspicion he still loves his ex, and come to think of it, he did say tonite that he loves her dearly. i dont know what his love for her entails, if it is still something he wants to pursue, but if he does, im not going to die.

ive learned from exbf that if i cant love someone like they deserved to be loved, then what am i doing there? i want him to be happy. i want willal to be happy. and if i cant be the one to do it, then there will be someone else.

for now, its nice. we spend a lot of time tonite singing each others praises. how much we admire and respect each other. it is really very special and nice to know that he thinks im intelligent and elevated because i feel exactly the same way about him.

he reads to me what he writes for the lea, and i am so impressed with the way he easily and clearly expresses himself that i am in awe.

he shares a lot with me tonite, while i am still trying to get find my voice to tell him some of my story, and i will. i tell him things ive never told anyone, not even my best friends along the way.

i love sharing his bed. the last two nites, hes had some homework, so i havent been over, but the last time i am there, i have trouble falling asleep. it is all the anxiety of my mother.

but i love being with him, doing whatever, doing nothing. he worries im going to get bored with him. that shouldnt even cross his mind. i think he and i have a special thing here, even if it is momentary.

i hope the moment lasts a long, long, long time.

bandaid

sometimes, i wish there was a massive band aid to cover up wounds and skinned areas of my heart and mind. its so fucking maddening this illness that my mother has. tonite, my sister called to tell me that a doctor suggested that she get an operation to remove her large intestine because it is so inflamed.

fuck.

but if it is going to rid this pain, permanently i assume, then i say go for it. i just worry about the recovery period. however, my sister points out that there may be some concerns. as i expect there would be.

fuck.

i need to meet THE ONE now because i need to his warmth. theres just no one else that will do. i think i will get a hit of some shit. hopefully, that will relax me.

psychics and responsibilities

just came from a session with sanva. i feel much better about this session than the last one. im working on some issues, and today, she makes me realize that im not working on isssues with other people, im working on issues with myself.

one thing ive admitted out loud and to someone - finally - is that i dont want to deal with willals baggage for the long-term. the fact that i dont understand what the deal is with his exwife spending christmas with his family, and the fact that I DONT WANT TO KNOW says a lot to me.

of course, i have to ask myself if i dont want to know because im afraid of the answer...or if its just that. in my heart of hearts, its the latter. i dont ask, i dont want to know because deep down, i know that this is temporary.

dont get me wrong. i like him a lot. and when this ends, i know i will feel sadness, and the hope will swell in my heart that we can remain in each others lives. but as time passes, im beginning to think that men and women cannot be just friends. at least not in my realm, but im willing to try.

im so tired today because i do core exercises at the gym. this is my problem area, and i need to address it. every gym moment, there will be a core exercise. maybe this is what i will do for the rest of the month along with arms and legs.

a few words afterwards

youve ruined it for others, you know, he says.

how do you know? there may be others who are better or different than me.

trust me, i know. when you have the intimacy and the connection, it makes all the difference.

all i could do was smile. he has become more open, sweeter, and his kisses have become more hungry, more exploratory.

but i couldnt sleep last night in his bed. i thought i had become better about relaxing there, being more comfortable. i dont know what it was that set me to insomnia.

regardless, its been a beautiful year so far.

empowered

perhaps it is wisdom, or my need to protect myself, or just the beginning of the new year, but i feel so strong. the theme of this year is empowerment. i want to be empowered, and i want to empower. i can do this. another thing to add to my list of new year promises.

dines and i meet up at corner bakery and then we go for an impromptu walk around the rose bowl. we talk about things, and i have to tell her again that i wasnt ignoring her for two weeks because of a guy, but i always go through this period to cleanse my soul and end the year.

i do not like endings. id rather avoid the whole thing, if i can. however, because this is life, and life is real, endings are unfortunately unavoidable.

this year will bring endings. its inevitable. when i leave one site for another will be a sad day. when i leave one bed for another permanently will be another painful occassion. when a part of me closes, that signifies an ending of a sort.

im prepared now to face them as they come. i am the richer for my experiences, i know. i love my life, even though at times, it is filled with lessons to be learned. this, i find, is when it is the hardest.

tomorrow, i have an appointment with sanva. i hope to be going to her with a clearer head. i need to address my issues of infidelity. i am my father.

but i dont have to be. not anymore. i am afraid i will slip into the abyss and cheat on the man i am with, but i wont. i know this. i know my heart. i wont let it.

my son is amazing. hes so handsome, so mature, but still a kid. i love this the most. hes perfectly imperfect that i get fooled sometimes into having another one. but fuck, im not that sedated.

life is great. my mom is getting better and might be discharged tomorrow. i worry, though, that she is not ready, but if she is, then i would love for her to recover her health. i pray for this. dear God, i offer her health and well-being to You.

every once in awhile

itll hit me. ill be sitting somewhere, not thinking of anything remotely associated with him, and then this overwhelming sadness will hit, and tears come to my eyes justlikethat.

i no longer turn into a heap of grief, nor do i try to deny the feelings anymore. im stronger now, able to deal with memories without cowering into a fetal position.

he will always be in my and my boys memories. he shared a large chunk of his life with us, and he gave to us without regard for his own needs. not until the very end.

i buy the breakup the other day. it is one of my favorite movies because a scene in it reminds me of him. when i see it with anapi this summer, tears flow so easily when that scene is played. i am unprepared with tissue to wipe my runny nose and teary eyes, so i dab with my sleeve.

the scene is where gary stands brooke up at a concert she invites him to. when he gets home, she is crying, and what makes it pivotal is that this is where brookes heart closes up.

i know this feeling well. ive cried just as hard when he hurt and disappointed me. seeing it over and over helps cleanse me of him.

i love him, you see. i love him, and i miss his love. its a cold and lonely world without it.

but it isnt right. it isnt him i am intended to be with. how do i know? because the freedom and peace i have now outweighs the coldness and loneliness. i would never accept him back in my life, that door has been shut for two years.

from time to time, though, ill allow the residue of the pain of my loss to peep out the door. ill sit with it awhile and permit it to grab my heart. because i know that these moments are beginning to lessen, and soon, it wont haunt me anymore.

my mistake is that i try to discount the magnitude of how much he meant to me, to us. i cant do that. i have to go through the stages of grief so that i can heal. its time.

im reminded of this:

after a while

after a while, you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't mean security,
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises,
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open,
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
and learn to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in midflight
and after a while, you learn
that even sunshine burns if you get too much.
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure...
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and learn...
with every goodbye, you learn.

by veronica a. shoffstall

2007

i feel it. i feel this excitement brewing in me, although today is an ordinary day. i take the kids to visit my mom in the hospital. shes ready to be discharged, but she is so weak from lack of food and a constant emptying of her stomach. she needs to recuperate.

we spend the day with family, and while i love my family, there is a change. i need to hang out with them more, no matter what, this year.

this morning, i wake up to a beautiful southern california day. lately, ive been closing my heart and any hopes for anything with a certain someone. this person is so wonderful and extraordinary, but his baggage doesnt go with mine. and its time to stop. not stop seeing him, although lets face it, this will eventually happen, and it will be a sad day when it does.

and so i hope for THE love of my life this year. im not going to go out looking for him, but i will be open to it. it isnt just for me; its also for my boy who is getting tired of this. hes ready for it, too.

i need HIM. i need this person because i am ready to face this battle i have that is in me. the battle between fear of being with someone and the fear of not being with THE one. does that make any sense?

ive met so many great people in the past year. some are really quality, while others are not because i dont give enough time, effort, or care to find out. two men ive come to respect and to whom i owe gratitude are november and willal, even if things dont work out. theyve taught me valuable lessons.

this year, i know i will meet greater people because i am going to put myself out there. i am more confident in myself as a person and as a lover, even though there isnt anything wrong with me before. but there is this belief in myself that i wont fuck up anything, that i am a good person, and that i am quality. before, this sentence is just lip service, but now, now its clear.

this strong belief comes from spending time with november and willal, from therapy, and from forgiving myself. ive let go of the exbf, finally, and ive also let go of the blame i had for myself about how it ended. i know my heart is closed now to him, which is a milestone in my history.

its a great new year. i wont make the same mistakes of the past. im too wise for that now, i hope. im not as broken as i am before, but i still do have some pieces that i need to figure out where to place.

i love myself, and i have to protect myself first and foremost. its a promise ive made.