monday night and david bowie

the plan is set. i am ready for him, and it is time to see him again.

it isnt so much that i crave him the way i crave willal, but there is a different feel to him. and at the time, i need that.

i go there apprehensively. it had been eight months, after all, since he last kissed me and bit my back and shoulders. i faintly remember his face, his voice is unfamiliar until i heard it again to confirm our 9 o'clock meeting.

i have a fascination with voices. willals voice is so strong and sexy. i know he doesnt know it, i know he cant comprehend how, but i hear strength and sexiness. the first time we talked, i wanted him to coax the cum from my waiting pussy.

his, however, is a bit on the soft lull side. it isnt sexy, but its sweet. it isnt strong, but its melodic. his laugh is endearing, and i wanted to so much be with him.

i get to his place, and when he comes to greet me, it is a bit awkward at first. he leads me to his studio, and when he opens the door, the lighting is low and sexy.

i sit on the bed, while he scurries around putting on a dvd (like we were going to watch!), adjusting the volume, the lights, anything that doesnt allow him near me.

does that sound all right? he asks.

perfect. you done fidgeting?

huh?

come sit next to me.

he joins me on the bed.

you look good, he tells me.

thank you. so do you.

no, not me.

yeah, you. you look good. i havent been to the gym much lately.

me neither.

im just so busy with school and work, but im almost done.

wow, you are?

yup. may ninth.

congratulations! a masters. wow!!!

yeah. two and a half years of sacrifice and sweat. its been worth it, though.

hows your new job?

you remember? its been great. i love it. d, im so blessed.

you are. do you have to meet with your students at least once a year?

yes. how did you know?

a friend of mine is a counselor. not for lausd, i dont think. she tells me that.

yeah, its a new bill. my kids havent started yet, though, so ive met only a few of them.

awesome.

hey, why do you still have your clothes on?

he pulls off his shirt, and he brings down his pants, then joins me on the bed.

why is this still on? he asks, touching my skirt. he touches my leg up to my ass, and when he feels i have no panties on, he smiles and looks away.

i slip out of my skirt, then get into bed. i move close to his lips, and i stay centimeters away from them. he doesnt come closer, so i kiss his neck and shoulders.

his fingers grant the wish of my throbbing clit, for them to find it, to feel the wetness. i lie on my stomach, while he fingers me from this angle.

he kneels in front of me, keeping his fingers moving in me, so i can take his cock into my mouth. because i havent seen him, i feel insecure that im making him feel good orally. he moans the answer i need.

he moves my leg so that it is bent at the knees, and he holds on to my foot. he fingers me until i cum, then he puts a condom on.

he fucks me doggy style, my favorite position, while he grabs my hair. he bites my shoulders, but disappointingly, not as hard as he had the first time we were together.

when he cums, he pulls out of me and goes to the bathroom, leaving me spent and satiated on the bed still on my stomach.

he comes back, and i smile when he puts a warm face towel on my pussy to clean me up. i raise my hips just a little so he can cup me fully.

youre so lucky, he says to me.

lucky that ive been fucked deliciously?

lucky because you know your body so well that you respond to sex this way.

its been awhile, you know.

its been four months for me.

ive been so busy.

me, too. its crazy.

he goes to the bathroom to put the towels away. when he comes back, he rests on me. he puts his head on my chest, and he rests. i can feel his fatigue, his need to be held, his stress leaving.

i touch his head and his back. i press on down on his shoulder blades. i ask if he needs a massage. he tells me not yet.

we lie like this for a little while, and im touched by how sweet he needs me at this moment. theres such an intimacy about him that emanates after weve fucked.

theres also a kinkiness and a sexiness about him that hasnt yet emerged, but im sure it will. i cant wait to play with the toys hes bought.

he emails me before i go there to tell me that hes had cupping done, and he sends pictures so that i wont be surprised when i see him. they are kind of sexy, the circles are hypnotic, some of them darker than others.

when i finally give him a massage, i see the circles and run my hands over them. his skin is so smooth, so kissable, so delicious.

we talk for a little while longer, then i leave. i tell him that i want to see him again, sooner than before, and he promises we will.

i sit here now, thinking of him, wishing him well, hoping his thoughts are on me.

and one last thing

im going to try try try to stop with the contraband for a few weeks.

just until i finish my classes.

and along with the stopping with the contraband, i think i will try celibacy for two weeks. yeah, i can do it.

its been a long time coming.

one hour at a time

its a crazy week. monday, i spent time with him. tuesday, i was busy programming at work, and then i had to drive one last time until june or so to thousand oaks, which is an hour away, for my last class session. today, i went to a counselor conference, district sponsored, then to class until 9:30. tomorrow, more programming, picture-taking for an slc culmination, followed by a quick trip to see sanva, then back to work for a senior award ceremony.

fuck, im tired. exhausted. my eyes hurt from being fatigued.

but soon, soon it will be over. just a case study and a presentation next week. and a 100-question multiple choice final the week after. ill only have to do my last comp question, and my hours in the summer and fall. sweet.

im going to take some time for me. im going to get better physically, meaning going to the gym and eating much better. im going to spend time with my son, going to some of the missions and taking pictures. perhaps taking the train to del mar by the beach and spending the day.

when im ready, im going to start to date. im going to do it even though i hate it. im going to meet men of caliber, men with careers, men who are ready to settle down.

its always sad for me to let go of past vices. im so wonderfully used to less, to impulsivity, to instant gratification. its time to go for broke, to slowing down, to wiating for the one.

im ready for that. but first, i have to survive. i have to breathe. i have to just be.

slut

my body aches from the fucking that happened last night. it had been a long time since i had seen him, two weeks almost, and while he is my choice, im kind of not really into it anymore.

there are so many things that i hate so much about what this has turned into, but yet, i say nothing. and that is my fault.

so, as an act of rebellion, i call calo. i needed him today, to hear his voice, to have him make me laugh. he said he wouldnt see me anymore because he and i almost got caught. he also asked if i was still seeing him, and i said no.

i dont want to see him anymore. im adamant about that. its done, and i cant resuscitate it anymore. i cant. i cant restore it to the sweet, wonderful time it was before. there is a disconnect between us, and i dont know where and how its come to pass.

i think perhaps its because we are protecting ourselves from each other. he and i are both attuned and intuitive of each other. this could have been a good thing, but cynically, it isnt.

im going to start dating, i say.

you are, huh?

yes.

when?

i dont know yet.

your classes end on may 9th?

yes.

well, let me know when you do.

im not looking forward to it. i hate the whole idea.

yeah, me too. i hate trying to make an impression.

i know.

if you hate it, why would you do it? why would you do something you hate?

youre right.

then later:

why dont you ever use condoms with me? i ask.

mmm...

i mean, do you not use condoms in general or specifically?

specifically.

with me?

yes.

why?

huh?

why havent you used condoms with me since the beginning?

i guess its because i trust you.

so this is what it feels like

it has been awhile since ive seen him, and i get the feeling that he doesnt want to see me anymore. am i projecting? perhaps. but to be honest, im kind of really getting tired of it now.

not just tired, but im really not excited about him anymore. its like when the curtain is pulled, and the wizard of oz is revealed.

hes still a great human, and im so thankful for having known him because in all honesty, hes helped shape how i want to be treated.

i think this race has run its course. he doesnt really want to spend time with me, and i must admit, being in bed alone is more intruiging these days.

*****
tonite is a waste. there is a disconnect between us, something that i just do not like dealing with, and so i dont.

why am i making this booty call into something more than it is?

yes, hes nice. hes respectful, good in bed, great father. but at the end of the day, im still searching.

i dont want to search anymore.

hot

coming close, lips touching, but not really kissing.

soft kisses, while his fingers are in me.

my body rising to meet his thrust.

yeah, it was sweet.

i mean, it was different from the last time. maybe it was because he was tired, or that i was tired. maybe it was because there is a familiarity that isnt really there.

god, i had such a great time. i love the way he kisses my back, my neck, my forehead. i love the tenderness and the attentiveness.

i love that he made me forget about willal. i needed this. i needed to feel him in me.

getting ready

i just finished a powerpoint presentation. i have one more presentation, one final paper, one final exam (its for the stupid ass bitch...100 questions...are you kidding me?), write multiple choice questions for three chapters, and two more papers to write (easy ones for the biatch that i totally love), then IT IS OVER!!!

it will be over!!!

so, to celebrate early, im going to take a shower, get all pretty (yeah, right), and meet him. you know him. he is so hot and sexy. our emails...man, i blush and get wet when i read them. not in any order, but you know.

and ive limited contact with willal. this is me letting go slowly. i know i will love him, and if i dont let go now, i will destroy him. and in the process destroy myself.

dramatic? nah. accurate is more like it.

i am so excited!!!

oh, and i love my pharmacist and his girlfriend. not in any sexual way, but more grateful and happy way.

yay!!!

two-and-a-half years

im almost done with school. on may 9th, i will take my last final for this masters program. i can feel the noose loosen.

but i know me. i know my need for learning, my need to have mental masturbation, my need to know more. so, after may 9th, im going to answer my last question for my masters, then relax.

im so ecstatic at the thought of being free that i can cry. happy, joyful, relieving tears. im so tired, so exhausted of feeling fatigued all the time. i cant wait to spend time with my son, to clean my house and to rid it of exbfs things and memories.

im going to buy a bike for me and the boy, and we are going to bike around the rose bowl, then eventually, follow the bike path along the la river to who knows where? i want to ride to the beach, but i think that will take time of riding and building up stamina.

im going to bite the bullet and buy my beautiful nikon d40x. its going to be bucks. and i just checked my salary points, and they kicked in. life is so beautiful.

im looking forward to going to mexico in october. i need to do it. i need to take pics, to have fun, and to just enjoy my son. hes an amazing child. im so lucky!!!

thank You, Father.

decision time

ive cleared the way for my husband-to-be to reach me.

this means: no more willal, calo, d (not that hes been around), luro (oh, yeah, i have to tell you about that one, dont i?), jc (the sexy 25 year old at work...and yet another story we need to catch up on), igra, or anyone else ive failed to mention.

ive concentrated on my son, my career, and my professional development for all of my adult life that i havent even thought about falling in love, staying in love, and letting someone love me.

so, its time. when this program ends on MAY 9TH, im going to take a break and breathe. then, im going to take classes for spanish, photography, and religious studies. i feel this is where im being lead by the good Lord.

im going to catch up on some much needed time with my son. ive noticed that we tend to argue and fight more when we dont hang out. this is an area of my life that ive sacrificed for too long. besides, hes such a great kid that i really want to get to know him as a teenager, and not just assume i know him because hes my son.

i havent talked to willal or calo for a few days now. calo is a throw away booty call, but willal is a bit different. hes been a special person to me who has taught me very many things about being a respectful, respected lover and woman. hes made me feel sexy and alive and creative and powerful. hes allowed me to spread my wings, and now its time to fly. i love him, ive loved him for the past eight months now, and i will allow a love for him forever.

but, its time. if we have the chance to get to know each other, ill take it. however, i know that it would just be for the sake of friendship because i know in my heart that its not him im meant to share the world with. and its too bad because he is one amazing person. its just that our timing is so off. weve talked about this before.

so, for now, it will be a time to regroup, recoup, and just get to know myself again. i love this time. its a time to heal and to fix what is broken and to become whole again. im so ready.

now, if only i can get started on this paper for this class that i so abhor...

igra calls

but who cares about that? he calls while im talking with willal, and i dont want to get off the phone with him, so i tell him im not going to answer it.

did you ever sleep with him? he asks.

no, never.

never?

no. i dont sleep with friends. ive made that mistake before, three times to be exact, and i dont want to do it. i dedicate some time to explain about marek, a friend from college and the fate that befell us when we did do something.

really.

yes. and besides, theres you now, and i dont want to mess it up.

we have something.

and instead of being scared, instead of running away, i say, yes, we do have something.

we do. and i want to see where this goes. even if i feel like running away or hiding, i want to see where this goes. because im so tired of fighting it, of fighting me.

sanva will be proud. but then again, things change so quickly with me.

i love him, y'all. i love him much.

absolute worst case of...

senioritis!!!

i have this paper to write, and i havent started it because frankly, i dont think i have enough brain cells or desire to put together something.

but here i go. im going to try. because when i finish, im going to sit back and relax and just sleep.

i love my job. have i mentioned that? i love my job so much!!!

him: cannot sleep [130 am, sat]

me: why not?

him: wire. slept in late, and had coffee at dinner.

me: what are you doing?

him: watching tv and drinking beer

-from text messages

*****
hello? he says.

hi.

hey, how are you?

good. how are you?

wired.

yeah, you mentioned.

were you sleeping?

i was. but i woke up about five minutes before i got your text message.

oh. i thought you would be out.

no, i was actually in bed by 8:30, and i fell asleep around 10:30.

really? i thought youd be out with friends or something.

you must think i have some active social life. hey, do you think thats why guys dont ask me out? because they think that i have plans?

i dont know.

im kidding. i dont go out. i dont even know what people do on a friday night.

me neither.

too much

i saw the little one sleeping last night. and while i should be happy, and i was happy about the whole sharing part, im a bit freaked out.

i dont know why. its what ive wanted. ive wanted him to share. but it was too much.

so, i tell him im going to disappear for awhile. i do it by text message. its not like we talk anyway, so what the hell.

yeah, my tendency to fuck up is still intact. it may have taken longer than others, but hey, you cant teach an old bitch new tricks. besides, tricks are for kids, silly rabbit.

this isnt it

this isnt the post i wanted to write. what i wanted to write about was how willal no longer trusts me, he doubts me, and how it almost really ended this weekend.

what i wanted to write about was how there are swirls of chocolate-covered fears and anxieties dipped in strawberry jam and vanilla confusion in my mind and my heart right now.

what i wanted to write about was how i really need to straighten out my path, to find someone as strong as me, willing to bend knowing he wont break. i need him. because i am sick of not being with him.

sick of it. tired of it. i want to be with him now, to sleep next to him, to sort out the messiness of our baggages but knowing that our baggages compliment each other.

hes out there. i feel it in my heart. and sometimes, i lose sight of my journey towards him, but i have to keep reminding myself that he is waiting until im ready.

and im ready. well, not yet, not this second. but soon.

when he and i do meet, i wonder what will become of this thing between me and willal?

text messages from last night:

me: i told u that trust is THE foundation. we dont trust each other. my heart breaks at this daily realization. please know that ive loved u 4 the past 7 months.

him: thats a serious statement

me: u think?

him: extremely

me: i wont apologize for my feelings but i am sorry if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

the moments leading up to this began saturday night. and tonite, i believe there was a break through.

i have to let you in on the trial.