stillness

colorado bridge 10.2008 by agape+photography

theres a quietness in my life right now, a stillness that is welcome because i know that perhaps this is the calm before the storm.

the boy and i have been having problems lately, growing pains if you will. i love him, and i know he loves me, but we are driving each other crazy.

we went for a walk at the rose bowl tonite, and it was nice. i loved it. it was dark and empty except for a smatter of bikers, runners, and walkers, and we got a chance to talk.

i love my son so much. i love being a mother to him. and i have to tell him more often because i think the boy needs to hear it.

~*~*~

whats the date on monday, my son asked me.

december 1st.

already?

yep.

time is going by so quickly.

its been this way for the last two months, at least it has for me. it seems november whizzed by, helped by my being so busy at work.

and when it gets this way, i know i have to stop. to center myself. to go back to my project. which is what im going to do because really? i have no choice.

~*~*~

ive got to take care of some loose ends before i head up to the new phase of my life in san francisco. sometimes, i cant believe that im actually going to do this, but i know in my heart, i have to.

i cannot stay in this city any longer. and without my son? it would cripple my soul if i do.

and yet...

so.

b is somehow back in my inbox, and this time, hes opening up so much about family. im honored and grateful, but i know that this time, im not going to make a trek to his place.

he thinks we have a connection, and i told him to cut it with that shit. because i know him better now. hes a romantic, and he lives more in his mind. but he said hes ready for something more. he can find it in another person because it aint me.

lately, ive had opportunities to reflect about my choices and decisions concerning relationships, and the conclusion ive come up with is this: the same fear of commitment that i had a few years ago, that i sought therapy for, is still in me, and it doesnt seem like its going anywhere.

is this a subconscious choice im making? well, of course it is.

but.

well, i want to meet someone who wont be afraid of my fierce independence and need for space, who will keep my interest and curiosity, who will be still with me.

and as for more children. it would be a dealbreaker if i met a man who wanted kids. while i believe that being a parent is something that each man and woman financially, emotionally, physically, and mentally capable of doing so should.

~*~*~

i need to go away. ive been saying this for months, been checking online for hotel and flight deals, been looking at my calendar and saving money.

its time. i think ill take the boy and visit the beautiful alha in seattle, but i dont want to stay at her home. i like the pleasure of coming and going, sleeping in or staying up late, without feeling self conscious.

and i have to still go up to sf to visit the art school and meet with a counselor. im going to ask them for a part time job and find housing.

i want to live in berkeley or some other sleepy little town nearby. i think berkeley will be the right place because its intellectual and beautiful and historical and within good distance from the city.

~*~*~

the holidays are almost upon us, and i feel so unprepared already.

but ive already bought my nieces and nephews bomb ass outfits for their presents, and i know what to get everyone else, so im set.

im wondering if i should buy myself a new baby or if i should just save it until my birthday.

ill wait.

im going to get it for my birthday, and ill take it to sf when the boy and i go up.

~*~*~

okay.

so.

so, i miss holding hands with a man. i miss the scent, the way his body moves against mine, the look in his eyes when he sees me.

i want this again.

and sadly, im not sure when it is i will find it.

in stillness, i wait.

always grateful

hannah+justan nuptial 11.2008 by agape+photography

1. for things that challenge me physically - the rose bowl, almansor park, my new bosu, my bike i have to break in, traffic to and from work

2. for things that challenge me mentally - mean people, crossword puzzles, rubics cube, sodoku, how im going to make it when i move to san francisco, how money disappears quicker than i make it

3. for things that challenge me emotionally - my son, commitment to a man, the ones less fortunate, the anxious, the hurting, the numb, the wasted

4. for things that make me more resolved - photography, my job, art school, majestic images, my son, good and kind hearted people

5. for things that move me - my family, my friends, strangers who pay it forward

6. for good movies, good books, good ideas, good stories

7. for the skyline of cities that i love

8. for the opportunity and the ability to raise my son alone and well for the last 15 years with the help from those who love us

9. for the opportunity and the ability to capture images and share them and get good feedback

10. for the promise of one day soon

11. for lessons learned, for hearts broken, for hearts mending

12. for stories that make me laugh still years after its happened

13. for witnessing love

14. for being accepted and given space

15. for my life - messy, complicated, peaceful, quiet, dreamy, blessed, fortunate, full, exciting, adventurous, sweet, serene, busy

i thank God every day for what i have and what i have yet to experience.

searching for inspiration

phs 10.2008 by agape+photography

im still not feeling inspired to write, but hopefully, this rain, this musical rain will somehow wash away my lack of luster.

ive had several false starts to some posts that i wanted to get out of my mind. too many things happen in the day that its too much to document.

for thanksgiving, my son and i will be serving dinner to those whose houses burned in the mobile park last week. it makes me teary when i think that of these people who are displaced.

enjoy the holidays.

i hope to be back soon.

ps...ive had dreams of w, and when i awake, i feel warm and glowy. i need his kisses. dammit.

uninspired, creatively blocked

chinatown 11.2008 by agape+photography

that says it all really.

had sangria last night at my signature place where i take my friends. the ambiance is excellent, the service great.

went with roca and addi last night and had two pitchers because the waiter was awesome.

addi said to me, you are my sensei.

why?

because you just know how to work these boys. youre a great flirt. and if i werent taken, id tell you lets go to a club and ill be your wingwoman.

wait. i dont flirt. roca, do i flirt?

yes.

no. this is just who i am.

well, its doble sentido. you cant tell if youre serious, but its not dirty.

i walked the walk of shame to my office, late because i debated for ten minutes whether or not i should go to work. when i finally decided, when i finally got ready, when i finally left the house, i found myself stuck in traffic on the 5 north, and i didnt care.

~*~*~

this was a busy weekend. i didnt hang out with edpe last night because a) elaro flaked, and b) i dont want to hang with a bunch of twenty somethings.

too old for that.

and they scare me because i know i can easily fall back in my ways.

which i did today.

golly. i mean, im so over going in with a hangover and a buzzing headache...

~*~*~

a text from dines on saturday while i was at hangas beautiful wedding: wow. two weddings in a row. youre being tested.

my response: youd think i would somehow be moved and want to get married, but i find myself sitting here feeling dizzy.

hot?

no. uncomfortable with talks of commitments and promises of happily ever after.

it isnt that im jaded. i believe in the institute of marriage, i believe that it works. and with the right combination, its magic. and thats what im holding out for.

but to have a show? not me.

i told dines that im going to have a simple ceremony, small, maybe just twenty people tops, and then party after. because really? i dont need to do it in front of anyone except the priest, God, and my husband.

dines said she cant wait to meet whoever i choose, knowing hes going to be incredible.

havent met him yet. well, ive met parts of him in the lovers ive had.

but i want the whole thing.

yet, after the wedding, i drove home feeling happy to be in solitude.

~*~*~

so, i think we are going to seattle for a few days in december.

dines and i...or my son and i. id like to take my boy because hes been working too damned hard.

if not december, then right after the holidays because ill be off for a few months. however, because im such a whore for work and money, ill work five out of eight weeks.

sleep...must get sleep.

wednesday the twelfth

odyssey restaurant 11.2007 by agape+photography

i truly believe that i need to once again eliminate people from my life.

two years ago, when i had the biggest crush on igra, i emailed him telling him how i loved his spirituality and sense of humor. he responded with a philosophical explanation about why i found this part of him so alluring.

its because, m, i bring out your spirituality and humor. i reflect what you dont see in yourself.

i never paid much thought to that then, but throughout the years, when i began to dissect people and their personalities that i realize that we are reflections of each other.

my early years in my career was spent drama filled and plain silly. gossip, malicious rumors, just ridiculous petty stuff that normal 20 somethings go through.

i met the exbf when i was thirty and he was twenty, and in the beginning, it was very rough. i asked him to leave as soon as he landed in burbank, but we spent the weekend together in san diego, and the boy loved me until the very end. regardless. despite. period.

he was my number one fan, always there at the end of long days filled with...you guessed it...drama. he was my haven and my home my sanctuary, and the boy and he were my life.

when he left, i felt very alone, and tonite, dines asked me how i got through the days after he boarded the plane and returned to his existence without me and my son.

i got through it day by day. and for awhile, i was resistant to any attention from a guy because i didnt feel worthy of love or even lust, i told her.

and now, today, well, im a bit wiser now, and ive realized that i can no longer associate with people who choose to live lives that are dysfunctional and scary.

because ive done that path.

and i cant do it again.

i know the truths i hold inside, the ones about myself that ive buried deep down, and dont want to release. ive done a good job of keeping the jealous, insecure, jaded, hurt baggages from resurfacing, but you know when they come out?

when someone who has those traits enter my life.

does this make sense? perhaps i need to reflect on it more.

~*~*~

i guess there should be something said about perseverance, but when it comes to being pursued, i get bored with it.

because really? when im done, im done.

right now, my phone is signaling that edpe is calling me. that boy just doesnt give up. i havent talked to him or seen him for so long, yet he calls and leaves messages about hanging out.

he wants to hang out at his house on sunday. with a few of his twenty something friends. and im going to go.

once, when we were talking, we somehow went down a sexual path that included me bringing breakfast to him in bed. what the hell? i dont know. it never happened. and frankly? it never will.

hes a good person, but the boy is just a boy, and hes intense with the faith, which i love but i will never live up to.

so.

just called him back.

make sure you tell everyone about our sexual path, he said.

and for a second, i paused. how the hell does he know what i had just written?

bring anyone you want, i dont care. as long as you come. youre the one i want there anyway, he said.

uh. yeah...cool.

hes so cute, man. and i cant resist this little player. i want something more.

~*~*~

im a jumbled mess emotionally. i know this. i will iron it out because its time again to meet someone and be touched.

the problem is that im picky.

if you could, would you have not been with the other, dines asked me earlier.

no. i wouldnt have done anything differently.

he had a pull, didnt he, the other?

yeah. he complimented me more than w. i loved how we laughed and his rawness. there was something beautiful and sexy about him, and i needed him, too.

what do you want, m?

i want w. i want him still.

so, you wouldnt have been with the other.

yes, but i want w as of who i am today. but its never going to happen. he will never talk to me again.

email?

tried. nothing.

text?

no responses. i want him. i dont feel ive learned everything i can from him. yet.

but no matter what? it will never happen.

and that is the saddest fact of my life at the moment.

~*~*~

i need to get out of this city that slowly suffocates me.

i got the packet from sfai today, and its going to cost me so much money.

another excuse for me to not leave.

but im going to keep my eye on the boat.

faith.

its the only thing i have right now.

faith.

on a night with a full moon

chinatown 11.2008 by agape+photography

yesterday, i spent the day in bed.

work? called in sick.

lunch with dines and lines? couldnt make it.

casino later on at night? fuggedaboutit.

because this flu kicked my ass.

it started last week with a little tickle in my throat and the prerequisite chills and fatigue. i thought i drowned it with my favorite nighttime pills for two nights in a row, and during the day? took the daytime version.

saturday, i began to lose my voice. and in class? well, a was his usual self, whatever that may be, but he was nice and flirtatious, and pretty much left me alone after i told him i was sick.

i got home and slept through dove loves wedding mass, instead waiting until 530 pm to leave for the 6 pm reception. it took me 40 minutes in traffic, and i should have just gone home.

but im glad i didnt. i mean, it was so good to see everyone there, the searchers, and feeling love. feeling the good vibes.

the part i hate about wedding receptions? the bouquet toss. i stood there, and when the thing was coming at me? i ran and screamed.

thank God the music was loud and the focus was on the girl scooping it off the floor. desperate. did i write that out loud?

ive been to so many weddings, and i realized two things: one, ive never gone with a date...and two, ive never caught the bouquet.

the first is a no brainer. i hate taking guests to work or family related functions. i feel stifled and forced to babysit.

the second is a no brainer as well. not that im superstitious, but what if, you know? what if? im not willing to risk it.

~*~*~

but today at dinner, i felt a pang of loneliness while watching the laker game at the restaurant with my son. i want to a game, but i want to go with a man. i want him to purchase the tickets, to drive, to find our seats.

i feel as if i can no longer keep up with the things a man is supposed to do. and its been awhile since i felt this way. actually, the last time was when the exbf left.

it took awhile getting used to pumping my own gas, opening my own door, falling asleep without him in my arms.

im fiercely independent, but i want someone to warm me, to make me believe in love, and to feel like a woman.

ginhor asked me at the reception, so, seeing anyone?

nope.

dont lie. youre usually juggling a couple of guys.

nope, not this time.

why do i have the feeling that youve either just juggled...or you will soon?

okay. shes got a point.

and im trying to change it.

~*~*~

id like to meet a man. someone who is employed and in a career he loves.

who loves sports and will take me and the boy to events. i dont want to be a football widow, but maybe it wont be so bad.

who understands my need for space both in and out of the bedroom.

who surprises me with his love and his tastes and his plans and his romantic tendencies.

who is a role model for my son and who will teach us to that its okay to depend on a man, to trust in his intentions.

who will let me go when i have to leave for san francisco because i sure as hell am not staying here anymore. i want and need a change.

who wants to travel and will let me take pictures and not rush me.

who is a great kisser...Lord, i need a great kisser.

i threw away my laundry list a long time ago, i did, but i cant help but open it up.

~*~*~

sunday night, we went on a photoshoot to chinatown and the walt disney concert hall. it was a gorgeous night, windy and chilly.

we got there late, so many of the stores were closed in chinatown, but i love the picture above. the focus is on the eyes, and depth of field? perfect.

i have a secret. its nothing big, and i dont assume it will be.

thats all for now.

victory

my bed 11.2008 by agape+photography

i woke up today feeling refreshed, as if ive slept for a very long time. the news was on tv, and i reveled in the news that this man, an amazing man, will lead us.

and i started thinking. what is it about someone that attracts the support and admiration of millions of people? those who voted for president-elect obama believed in his words, in what he is capable of doing, and i for one, have never felt so sure about a presidential candidate as i did when i voted yesterday.

oh, wait. yes. i voted for al gore. it was the same year that my grandfather died. when he lost the election and when my grandfather passed away, a little bit of air was taken from me.

but that was so long ago.

and while im not really a political aficionado, i did enjoy the time i worked for the dnc when they were here in la. i loved hilary clinton then, and i still do. shes another one who i would have supported and believed in to run this country.

this morning, i was listening to my favorite morning station, and dear God, there are some ignorant and crazy people who live amongst us. and in their minds...theyre sane. we are the ones who are crazy.

this idiot listener is going to start a campaign to say that obama didnt really win fairly, that his suppporters cheated.

to him, i say: take a look at this, bitch.

thats right, mofo...he won it. by a landslide.

and thats why i love this country. because eventually, like in life, the good will win.

im so crushing on this president-elect. hes so humble and in love with his wife, and i love those qualities in people.

~*~*~

victory. barack obama wasnt the only one who won.

we all did.

even those who didnt support him...they won also.

and i have to say that i admire john mccain as the man he is, not as the political party he represents. his concession speech was genuine and proud, two other traits that i love.

this race was clean and dignified, and i couldnt be any prouder.

but the better man won.

God bless america.

3 years and two days

birthday party 12.2007 by agape+photography

i hung out with the ladies on halloween night, watching a girly flick that had a sucky, copout ending and passed out tricks to the costumed kids from the block. and in between, i text messaged b who was spending time with some friend from somewhere.

it was awesome, you know, to just laugh and be relaxed because the past week was fucking hellish.

but i realized this: i am not into the whole packaged deal of being in a relationship or the attempt of being in one.

i love being independent, love the ability to come and go, to do what i want without having to check in or conform to someones reality...and besides, i have a kid who is in a precarious age. introducing anyone new at this time? not a good idea.

saturday, i went to class, and i have the biggest crush on my instructor a. hes so...sexy to me, but hes got his own little issues.

im not going to pursue this, of course, because i dont like awkward moments. as it is, theres some tension between us that really? hes an ass sometimes. but hes getting better. i know what pushes him to be this way, so i carefully avoid it.

he gets excited when i know what movie hes talking about or in this particular case, which actor.

i loved him on so i married an axe murderer, i said.

me, too. thats one of my favorite movies.

i loved the beat poet scene.

he proceeded to recite in verbatim, and i said, you need to get out more, man.

he looked at me quickly, and i said, not with me, im not inviting you, but...

he recovered. moved on to another subject. and i wondered what would happen if i pushed it the other way?

i told maumo how i showed the portraits we took on tuesday to my friends, and i said, that guy who dressed up as jack sparrow looks like my exboyfriend.

a interrupted with, your exboyfriend looked like a pirate with grizzly hair and beard?

yes, i said, thats why hes an ex.

~*~*~

after class, i met up with dapel, and we hung around la crescenta. its a beautiful area but very conservative and narrow minded.

there were picketers with yes on 8 signs.

a and i messaged back and forth about meeting.

and to cut to the chase, we met last night.

it took longer for me to drive to his side of the world, and the sad thing is? no connection.

the boy cannot kiss.

and thats all i have to say to that. oh, and he has a small little thing.

but dont worry, folks, i am still celibate.

what i did after i left his house will remain with me, but lets just say that i made steps towards closure.

~*~*~

theres a loud echo of the essence of w in my empty heart. and its empty because i choose it to be empty, waiting for someone who may or may not exist.

the next two weekends are the nuptials of dove love and hanga, and the weekend after that, we take off to hang out with my family to celebrate my grandmothers 80th birthday. and the weekend after thanksgiving, im going to go up to sfai to check out the mfa program.

~*~*~

i missed the 3rd birthday of my blog.

it was on friday.

happy birthday, keeper of secrets and big dreams.