three hundred and sixty four days
last year on the way home from graduation, he called.
hey, how are you? he asked.
im well. just finished graduation. it was real emotional. how are you?
tired. coming from a meeting from universal city. driving home.
me too.
this is crazy, right?
that we are headed the same direction? yes.
im on the 110 now. what about you?
yeah, just got on.
look, exit and kiss me.
that would be crazy. what kind of car do you drive?
a volkswagon toureg. come on, m. do it.
oh, god, i cant. really? no, i dont want to see you when im so tired.
come on. just a kiss. we wont turn off our engines. itll be safe.
no, i cant.
why not?
im seeing someone.
is it serious?
yes. no. i dont know. we dont talk about it. i dont know.
are you falling for him?
its way past that. hows your wife?
shes fine. home with the kids. im coming up to my exit. have you passed me yet?
almost catching up to you. i think i saw you exit.
ill stop the car and wait for you. its your decision.
i cant. im sorry. i cant do it to him, you know?
i know. i know. i know.
dammit. its the timing. so screwed up. you know?
i know.
im sorry.
me too.
a year later...
hi. i was in the shower. how are you? i asked.
im well. im in chicago.
oh?
yeah, for work. so much to catch up on.
funny, it was a year ago that we talked. tonite was graduation.
thats crazy.
isnt it?
so, do you have any time off?
finally, yes!
well, in three weeks, ill be returning here. join me?
im so tempted.
seeing anyone?
no. no time. no energy. its pretty sad.
what happened?
he dumped my ass. a year ago almost. i deserved it. ive been celibate since.
join the club.
still?
nothing has changed, m. i still want to see you.
okay. lets try to make it happen.
really?
lets see what happens.
this time, really?
no. no, im not going to see him. i know it.
youre a contradiction, he tells me. youre so easy to talk to, but still such an enigma.
im an open book. ask anything.
it isnt about asking. its just hard to know you.
look, you set the tone for this when we first started. youre married. you have no plans to leave your wife, and i dont want you to.
i know.
i think about that night, when you asked me to follow you. what if i had?
you wouldnt be less of a mystery, thats for sure.
i dont know what im doing to be mysterious.
i know. i believe you. ill be home tomorrow. ill call you about going away with me.
he is an incredibly sweet man, and his voice comforts me. he warms me, makes me feel like a woman, that he will take care of whatever it is between us.
but i know me. i know that once we seal the deal, ill run away. and i would feel so sickened that the memory of him will be tarnished.
who is he to be in my life? a temptation i will never taste? a representation of all things man? a booty call that will never be because hes too reputable and respectful for that?
i dont know.
i dont know if i will ever know.
and if things were different, id go with him to chicago.
sadly, i know i wont be going, though.
Monday, June 30, 2008
hello, again, hello
ive been in a terrible space the last week, trying to get the kids graduated, pacifying the parents of those who arent.
by the time graduation came, i was so removed that i couldnt muster any feelings that would cause tears. and some of my students were waiting for them.
its funny. why do people need to see emotions from me?
i wish i could relate to you, my friends, the battle ive been through, but you wouldnt understand. how do i know?
heres how: earlier this evening, roca and i met up at a local place where i once picked up my waiter and slept with him all because dines said he looked like the exbf. i didnt see the resemblance, but... i digress.
she and i hadnt seen each other for like six weeks or so, and i told her about the last month of my life, and i could see her cringing. she knows what ive gone through, shes had the same stresses but not in the same amount as me, but she knows. she only had 65 seniors compared to my whopping 277, but the stress is there.
i heard myself recounting the tales of madness that i survived, and i know that it wouldnt make sense to many. and i said to her, im so glad im not involved with anyone right now or when i went through this trauma. it wouldnt be fair for him to witness me treading water and me not wanting his help. it was something i had to go through alone.
because it was. im not good at sharing when things are crazy. the closest and most ive shared with w was when my mother was sick, and i cried in his chest as he said words that soothed my ache. i felt so vulnerable then, yet at the same time comforted. hes such a good man.
so, the 2007-2009 school year is over, and now, my honeymoon begins.
ive changed offices, and my work life has improved 110% in such a short amount of time. im so glad for the experience of being with the bitter bitches, and now, im in a much better, supportive environment. it isnt so toxic.
this school year, i hope to become a better counselor, to work smarter and not harder, to make new friends and to connect with these tenth graders, to improve practices and to learn with every mistake, to grow with every accomplishment, and to leave by june 2009 on a happy note.
im making plans for my departure from la in three years. i just need to do this, need to go away and find some peace.
my creativity has been blocked, and again, im afraid that it will take longer this time to find it.
before w, i hadnt picked up my camera in three years. it was because of him that i started shooting again, and he was the muse that sparked the creative light in me.
i hope hes well, and i pray that he and i can find closure from this. or perhaps its just me that hasnt found it yet?
bed.
ive been in a terrible space the last week, trying to get the kids graduated, pacifying the parents of those who arent.
by the time graduation came, i was so removed that i couldnt muster any feelings that would cause tears. and some of my students were waiting for them.
its funny. why do people need to see emotions from me?
i wish i could relate to you, my friends, the battle ive been through, but you wouldnt understand. how do i know?
heres how: earlier this evening, roca and i met up at a local place where i once picked up my waiter and slept with him all because dines said he looked like the exbf. i didnt see the resemblance, but... i digress.
she and i hadnt seen each other for like six weeks or so, and i told her about the last month of my life, and i could see her cringing. she knows what ive gone through, shes had the same stresses but not in the same amount as me, but she knows. she only had 65 seniors compared to my whopping 277, but the stress is there.
i heard myself recounting the tales of madness that i survived, and i know that it wouldnt make sense to many. and i said to her, im so glad im not involved with anyone right now or when i went through this trauma. it wouldnt be fair for him to witness me treading water and me not wanting his help. it was something i had to go through alone.
because it was. im not good at sharing when things are crazy. the closest and most ive shared with w was when my mother was sick, and i cried in his chest as he said words that soothed my ache. i felt so vulnerable then, yet at the same time comforted. hes such a good man.
so, the 2007-2009 school year is over, and now, my honeymoon begins.
ive changed offices, and my work life has improved 110% in such a short amount of time. im so glad for the experience of being with the bitter bitches, and now, im in a much better, supportive environment. it isnt so toxic.
this school year, i hope to become a better counselor, to work smarter and not harder, to make new friends and to connect with these tenth graders, to improve practices and to learn with every mistake, to grow with every accomplishment, and to leave by june 2009 on a happy note.
im making plans for my departure from la in three years. i just need to do this, need to go away and find some peace.
my creativity has been blocked, and again, im afraid that it will take longer this time to find it.
before w, i hadnt picked up my camera in three years. it was because of him that i started shooting again, and he was the muse that sparked the creative light in me.
i hope hes well, and i pray that he and i can find closure from this. or perhaps its just me that hasnt found it yet?
bed.
Tuesday, June 24, 2008
breathe
just one more day before practice for graduation. and i know it...im going to cry that night.
not because of sadness, but because of happiness. and the processional song just does it for me.
today was incredibly difficult with parents crying in my office like i had predicted a few months ago. and this crazy ass bitch mother called and was yelling at me, so i put her on mute, and my student and i just laughed. because it was really comical. i feel sorry for her son who is really slow and sad.
i didnt go to class tonite, and im not going tomorrow because i am so tired out. ive been going non stop the past seven days straight, and the last month has been hellish.
i know that it wont last, that one day, it will stop gradually within the week or so, but until then, i have to hold on fast.
and breathe.
and pray.
i need to take more pictures, get more daring, push my limits, and have fun.
but my being right now prevents me from creative spurts, but i love the class for it forces me to snap away at something, anything, so that i wont lose that part of me.
everything happens for a reason. i believe this. and sometimes, the reason isnt apparent until much, much later.
i got my huge stimulus check. i dont even want to deposit it because i know it will be all gone. i need to buy a mac and photoshop. i am going to do something for me and my son with all the money im making during z time.
being busy and tired has helped my bank account: i dont go out, so i dont spend.
wonderful, eh?
just one more day before practice for graduation. and i know it...im going to cry that night.
not because of sadness, but because of happiness. and the processional song just does it for me.
today was incredibly difficult with parents crying in my office like i had predicted a few months ago. and this crazy ass bitch mother called and was yelling at me, so i put her on mute, and my student and i just laughed. because it was really comical. i feel sorry for her son who is really slow and sad.
i didnt go to class tonite, and im not going tomorrow because i am so tired out. ive been going non stop the past seven days straight, and the last month has been hellish.
i know that it wont last, that one day, it will stop gradually within the week or so, but until then, i have to hold on fast.
and breathe.
and pray.
i need to take more pictures, get more daring, push my limits, and have fun.
but my being right now prevents me from creative spurts, but i love the class for it forces me to snap away at something, anything, so that i wont lose that part of me.
everything happens for a reason. i believe this. and sometimes, the reason isnt apparent until much, much later.
i got my huge stimulus check. i dont even want to deposit it because i know it will be all gone. i need to buy a mac and photoshop. i am going to do something for me and my son with all the money im making during z time.
being busy and tired has helped my bank account: i dont go out, so i dont spend.
wonderful, eh?
Sunday, June 22, 2008
the need to stop
yesterday, after my doctors appointment, i went to work from 1130 am to 4 pm. i was so tired from the heat, and when i got home, i took a nap from sheer exhaustion.
my cousins were fighting, and i knew they needed a break since theyve been out of school for the same time my son has been out, so we went to my aunts for dinner.
we left there pretty late, mostly because the air was on but too, it had been awhile since we just chilled.
this morning, i got up early to meet my cohort for breakfast. i didnt realize how much my spirit needs to stop and catch up with people. i havent talked to dines for so long, so im not even sure how her new relationship is going, but right now, i dont have any time to find out.
its sad, i think, how busy ive become, and i wonder where my time goes. i dont want to think about my days. i dont want to account for the seconds of a 24-hour time period. because if i do, im sure going to cry.
and i dont want to be like igra, so ive intentionally avoided him. i have, in fact, been a bit secluded and protective lately.
i realize how little time ive spent with my son the past three years, and it breaks my heart. school, boys, work, yafff, search...everything that took me away from him leaves me gasping for breath.
i think about that now, about figuring out the logistics of beginning a relationship, of nurturing one, and maintaining one, and i must say how unfair it is to him, to my son, and to me.
i cant run around town anymore, spending the night with another. my time schedule prevents me from that luxury, should i want it.
but also, i would rather be with my son, be in my home than be with anyone.
yes, i miss w with all my soul...yet, ive become accepting that it is over and that nothing can revive it.
*****
i hate the patches on my left arm that formed when i was stressed. my doctor prescribed a cream to relieve the itchiness, but i need to also to take benadryl.
this weekend just slipped away from me, and heres why: im trying to catch up on sleep, and i just cant seem to do it.
every night after class, as im walking alone to my car, this self-talk pops up: you are not ready for a relationship, and thank God no one is around because really, you will ruin it with your being busy all the time. do you want to be like igra?
no. no. i dont. im not like him. i promise.
then, stop this silliness. do something bold.
no money.
come on.
i want to.
then?
i cant yet. i want to wait until this part of my mad life has passed.
what are you going to do when its over?
get back to the project, get some closure, relax, figure things out.
promise?
yes.
lets see.
*****
got the wii finally.
every time we go to best buys, i always spend hundreds of dollars.
okay.
ive got to get to bed.
yesterday, after my doctors appointment, i went to work from 1130 am to 4 pm. i was so tired from the heat, and when i got home, i took a nap from sheer exhaustion.
my cousins were fighting, and i knew they needed a break since theyve been out of school for the same time my son has been out, so we went to my aunts for dinner.
we left there pretty late, mostly because the air was on but too, it had been awhile since we just chilled.
this morning, i got up early to meet my cohort for breakfast. i didnt realize how much my spirit needs to stop and catch up with people. i havent talked to dines for so long, so im not even sure how her new relationship is going, but right now, i dont have any time to find out.
its sad, i think, how busy ive become, and i wonder where my time goes. i dont want to think about my days. i dont want to account for the seconds of a 24-hour time period. because if i do, im sure going to cry.
and i dont want to be like igra, so ive intentionally avoided him. i have, in fact, been a bit secluded and protective lately.
i realize how little time ive spent with my son the past three years, and it breaks my heart. school, boys, work, yafff, search...everything that took me away from him leaves me gasping for breath.
i think about that now, about figuring out the logistics of beginning a relationship, of nurturing one, and maintaining one, and i must say how unfair it is to him, to my son, and to me.
i cant run around town anymore, spending the night with another. my time schedule prevents me from that luxury, should i want it.
but also, i would rather be with my son, be in my home than be with anyone.
yes, i miss w with all my soul...yet, ive become accepting that it is over and that nothing can revive it.
*****
i hate the patches on my left arm that formed when i was stressed. my doctor prescribed a cream to relieve the itchiness, but i need to also to take benadryl.
this weekend just slipped away from me, and heres why: im trying to catch up on sleep, and i just cant seem to do it.
every night after class, as im walking alone to my car, this self-talk pops up: you are not ready for a relationship, and thank God no one is around because really, you will ruin it with your being busy all the time. do you want to be like igra?
no. no. i dont. im not like him. i promise.
then, stop this silliness. do something bold.
no money.
come on.
i want to.
then?
i cant yet. i want to wait until this part of my mad life has passed.
what are you going to do when its over?
get back to the project, get some closure, relax, figure things out.
promise?
yes.
lets see.
*****
got the wii finally.
every time we go to best buys, i always spend hundreds of dollars.
okay.
ive got to get to bed.
Friday, June 20, 2008
all sorts of fragments
lately, the quality of my days have improved. ive gotten final chances to speak to my students, and ive been honest with them about how theyve affected me.
a few have broken my heart with their stories, but they dont see their lives as anything but normal.
and i know that i dont want to think about it because if i do, i will go inside myself to a place where i will dwell and maybe not pull out of for a long time.
i cant afford that.
i havent been to my project, and i see the affects. when i finish my class, i will be on official summer vacation, and i have to go back to it. have to. i have some goals that i challenge myself to reach, so im going to do it.
i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and i am not looking forward to it. but i do have some major concerns such as the hives i had and the remnants of it on my arm. and id like to really see a nutritionist.
had dinner with gaya tonite at lgo, and next week, im taking megbro there for her birthday. the chef came out to our table tonite, and i asked, were you the one who prepared this for me?
yes. do you like it?
eh, its aight.
really?
no...im kidding. its really good. my friend ordered it last week, and i had a bite of his, and i decided to get it for myself this week.
good, im glad.
it was out of the blue, really. he was cute and sweet and young. i hope he didnt come to our table to flirt with me because i have no mojo these days.
i dont know what it is. well, i do. my days are long, and time with my son is compromised, which sends me spiraling.
i dont think i can make a relationship work right now, so i dont bother to put myself out there, but eventually, ill need to get together with someone.
not that there is any prospect. or perhaps, i just dont wish to see any.
this time of the year signifies endings and beginnings. im saying goodbye to a whole bunch of amazing people, and at the same time, im welcoming them in.
but i need a break to recuperate from loss, you know?
ive been taking pictures almost everyday, and i find that im so weak at camera controls. you know, i need to just go somewhere that is different from what im used to so that i can perfect my eye.
i really dont think ill be staying here once my child graduates from high school and leaves for college. i brought this up to him the other night, and i was surprised at his reaction.
he was pissed.
when i asked him why, he couldnt verbalize and used every irrational reason to tell my that my choice was absurd.
why is that, honey? youll be gone, too. i just need to wander for awhile.
but where are you going to go? what are you going to do?
just go places. id like to go away alone and explore a city. hang out for awhile. i dont know. i dont know what the next few years will bring, but im excited. arent you?
yeah. but what about the family? youre abandoning them.
i am?
yeah.
do you think im abandoning you?
no, because i wont be here anyway.
so, what difference does it make?
they need you.
baby, they are going to be fine without me.
theyll miss you.
ill come back.
really?
yes. youll always have a place to call home.
sometimes, i feel guilty for being independent and needing to leave. im not running away, i promise im not. but i cant stay anymore.
next year at this time, i pray i will be leaving poly to go to the new arts high school downtown.
lately, the quality of my days have improved. ive gotten final chances to speak to my students, and ive been honest with them about how theyve affected me.
a few have broken my heart with their stories, but they dont see their lives as anything but normal.
and i know that i dont want to think about it because if i do, i will go inside myself to a place where i will dwell and maybe not pull out of for a long time.
i cant afford that.
i havent been to my project, and i see the affects. when i finish my class, i will be on official summer vacation, and i have to go back to it. have to. i have some goals that i challenge myself to reach, so im going to do it.
i have a doctors appointment tomorrow, and i am not looking forward to it. but i do have some major concerns such as the hives i had and the remnants of it on my arm. and id like to really see a nutritionist.
had dinner with gaya tonite at lgo, and next week, im taking megbro there for her birthday. the chef came out to our table tonite, and i asked, were you the one who prepared this for me?
yes. do you like it?
eh, its aight.
really?
no...im kidding. its really good. my friend ordered it last week, and i had a bite of his, and i decided to get it for myself this week.
good, im glad.
it was out of the blue, really. he was cute and sweet and young. i hope he didnt come to our table to flirt with me because i have no mojo these days.
i dont know what it is. well, i do. my days are long, and time with my son is compromised, which sends me spiraling.
i dont think i can make a relationship work right now, so i dont bother to put myself out there, but eventually, ill need to get together with someone.
not that there is any prospect. or perhaps, i just dont wish to see any.
this time of the year signifies endings and beginnings. im saying goodbye to a whole bunch of amazing people, and at the same time, im welcoming them in.
but i need a break to recuperate from loss, you know?
ive been taking pictures almost everyday, and i find that im so weak at camera controls. you know, i need to just go somewhere that is different from what im used to so that i can perfect my eye.
i really dont think ill be staying here once my child graduates from high school and leaves for college. i brought this up to him the other night, and i was surprised at his reaction.
he was pissed.
when i asked him why, he couldnt verbalize and used every irrational reason to tell my that my choice was absurd.
why is that, honey? youll be gone, too. i just need to wander for awhile.
but where are you going to go? what are you going to do?
just go places. id like to go away alone and explore a city. hang out for awhile. i dont know. i dont know what the next few years will bring, but im excited. arent you?
yeah. but what about the family? youre abandoning them.
i am?
yeah.
do you think im abandoning you?
no, because i wont be here anyway.
so, what difference does it make?
they need you.
baby, they are going to be fine without me.
theyll miss you.
ill come back.
really?
yes. youll always have a place to call home.
sometimes, i feel guilty for being independent and needing to leave. im not running away, i promise im not. but i cant stay anymore.
next year at this time, i pray i will be leaving poly to go to the new arts high school downtown.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
its worth it
whatever this period of my life represents, its worth it.
the fatigue.
the sacrifice.
the soreness.
the stress.
the saying good bye to what was.
the welcoming of what will be.
closure.
openings.
this feeling like everything is going to work out.
because no matter what...it always does.
and its worth it.
whatever this period of my life represents, its worth it.
the fatigue.
the sacrifice.
the soreness.
the stress.
the saying good bye to what was.
the welcoming of what will be.
closure.
openings.
this feeling like everything is going to work out.
because no matter what...it always does.
and its worth it.
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
grateful, fortunate, and blessed
this past week, ive learned the value of my colleagues, especially barney, who im beginning to love.
of course, i still pity the motherfucker grinch, but overall, everyone has been so loving and supportive and embracing and warm and encouraging.
today, two women saved my ass, and im going to let them know tomorrow. one with food, the other with just smart thinking.
class today was awesome.
i still dont know what im doing, but oh, well.
you know what?
everything is going to work itself out.
my friend called again today. i havent returned his call. and i dont plan on it.
and the little boy in class? excellent eye, but still shy. except today, he looked at me and looked away when he was our model.
so...cute.
ugh.
im tiring of the same old same old.
i need a break.
this past week, ive learned the value of my colleagues, especially barney, who im beginning to love.
of course, i still pity the motherfucker grinch, but overall, everyone has been so loving and supportive and embracing and warm and encouraging.
today, two women saved my ass, and im going to let them know tomorrow. one with food, the other with just smart thinking.
class today was awesome.
i still dont know what im doing, but oh, well.
you know what?
everything is going to work itself out.
my friend called again today. i havent returned his call. and i dont plan on it.
and the little boy in class? excellent eye, but still shy. except today, he looked at me and looked away when he was our model.
so...cute.
ugh.
im tiring of the same old same old.
i need a break.
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
say what?
im tired.
but what else is new? thats been my condition since i started at this school, so why even announce it anymore?
class is great, and i love learning about photoshop cs3, but fuck if i feel looney by 8 pm. the dynamics in the class is really different. theres a couple who are so up on each other that they seclude themselves from the rest of the class.
theres a little boy in there i am slowly slowly slowly luring into my little web. hes got an amazing eye, and i would so love to learn from him, but either 1) hes shy...or 2) hes a little snob.
but today, i had a small coup. i asked his little friend to pose for me, and he did, and then the little boy came to look at my picture, but i just ignored him.
and it worked.
booyaah!
whatevs. its just for sport. and for learning. hes really creative, and i love his name. its the first name of an exlover, so whenever mlh calls it out, im immediately brought back to the time of luro.
class is frustrating. really. i dont know what the fuck im doing in there, but mlh thinks i do.
*****
work is frustrating as well, but im sure that by next thursday, it will be worth it.
i want to see my pets graduate, those who worked hard and those who deserve it.
i want that.
some are fucking on my last nerves, blaming everyone except themselves for the situation theyve created. fuck it. i dont care.
because ive done my best. throughout, ive done my best. i could have slacked, but i didnt. i was thrown in a situation that was foreign and unfamiliar, and they knew it. they knew how fucking hard this has been...they meaning administration, namely fred and g.lo.
so, if i fucked up, it wasnt because of incompetence. it was because i was new, and its been challenging. but i pray everyday that i didnt screw up that much.
*****
i need to get laid.
seriously, i have to get back into the swing of things because i cant live like this.
ive begun composition on the closure for w. again. i put it away for awhile, and then...
its time.
im tired.
but what else is new? thats been my condition since i started at this school, so why even announce it anymore?
class is great, and i love learning about photoshop cs3, but fuck if i feel looney by 8 pm. the dynamics in the class is really different. theres a couple who are so up on each other that they seclude themselves from the rest of the class.
theres a little boy in there i am slowly slowly slowly luring into my little web. hes got an amazing eye, and i would so love to learn from him, but either 1) hes shy...or 2) hes a little snob.
but today, i had a small coup. i asked his little friend to pose for me, and he did, and then the little boy came to look at my picture, but i just ignored him.
and it worked.
booyaah!
whatevs. its just for sport. and for learning. hes really creative, and i love his name. its the first name of an exlover, so whenever mlh calls it out, im immediately brought back to the time of luro.
class is frustrating. really. i dont know what the fuck im doing in there, but mlh thinks i do.
*****
work is frustrating as well, but im sure that by next thursday, it will be worth it.
i want to see my pets graduate, those who worked hard and those who deserve it.
i want that.
some are fucking on my last nerves, blaming everyone except themselves for the situation theyve created. fuck it. i dont care.
because ive done my best. throughout, ive done my best. i could have slacked, but i didnt. i was thrown in a situation that was foreign and unfamiliar, and they knew it. they knew how fucking hard this has been...they meaning administration, namely fred and g.lo.
so, if i fucked up, it wasnt because of incompetence. it was because i was new, and its been challenging. but i pray everyday that i didnt screw up that much.
*****
i need to get laid.
seriously, i have to get back into the swing of things because i cant live like this.
ive begun composition on the closure for w. again. i put it away for awhile, and then...
its time.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
day for fathers
sometimes, there are feelings that i need to express to people in the written form.
a few years ago, roca said to me, this therapy is really helping you, i can tell.
oh, yeah? how?
because you are much more open now about your life.
i wasnt before?
no. you usually helped everyone out with your wisdom, but you never let anyone into your life. youre a mystery.
maybe theres just not much to say.
no, thats not true. theres a lot to know.
perhaps shes right. i find that sometimes, i hold more conversations in my head than i do with the other person.
like with w. some days, i had a great conversation that took place in my head, and i couldnt verbalize it when we were together.
and i have been planning a closure letter for him the last eleven months, and yet, i havent been able to sit down and do it.
i have to, i know.
yesterday, we went to the suburbs to hang with my sisters family and to also take photos for class. i wanted to write her a note to let her know how much i love her and am amazed by her parenting abilities, but did i?
no.
i slept all day, trying to catch up on a whole week, but dreams kept me twisting and turning.
finally, today i caught up some, but still, im a bit groggy.
i havent spoken to my father to wish him a happy fathers day, but my son called him earlier. that is something i cannot deal with right now because i feel very fragile. i dont want to break. im trying to keep it together as best as i can.
i was thinking today how the men i was with end up being married a year or so after they have been with me. like november. and the exbf. and of course, the boys father. and yes, the redhaired boy.
married.
im not sure about w. or calo. they may be different because they had been married before, but who knows?
i should advertise that. that anyone who has been with me will get married after they break up with me.
joick is so funny and sweet, and i want to know his story. he messaged me last night, and eventually i revealed that my celibacy has been keeping me from a sexual outlet. i wasnt giving him hints, but i threw it out there.
his response made me laugh that my sister checked my messages to read it.
dont worry. hes 28. and hes leaving for new york in october, i said.
thats just it. hes 28.
nothing is going to happen. hes just funny right now. hes just being a friend.
but hes 28.
hes not attracted to me.
are you sure?
yes.
geez. once my son asked me, mom, why cant people see that girls and boys can be just friends without having to be in a relationship?
because people want to define everything. friendship isnt very specific when its between men and women. as long as you know, then you dont have to worry. society just gets caught up in black and white that they are uncomfortable with grey areas.
okay. because ive been hanging out with a girl, and i dont like her in that way, just as a friend.
oh, baby, ive been dealing with that since high school. im not always attracted to a person because of their sexual organ. sometimes, a persons kindness and sense of humor and my connection with them is the very reason why i love them. not because i want to marry them.
i dont even want to get married or have kids right now. im too selfish. i dont want to be responsible to anyone.
right? me neither. we love our freedom too much to let anyone take some of it from us.
the cats in the cradle, man.
okay, time for bed.
sometimes, there are feelings that i need to express to people in the written form.
a few years ago, roca said to me, this therapy is really helping you, i can tell.
oh, yeah? how?
because you are much more open now about your life.
i wasnt before?
no. you usually helped everyone out with your wisdom, but you never let anyone into your life. youre a mystery.
maybe theres just not much to say.
no, thats not true. theres a lot to know.
perhaps shes right. i find that sometimes, i hold more conversations in my head than i do with the other person.
like with w. some days, i had a great conversation that took place in my head, and i couldnt verbalize it when we were together.
and i have been planning a closure letter for him the last eleven months, and yet, i havent been able to sit down and do it.
i have to, i know.
yesterday, we went to the suburbs to hang with my sisters family and to also take photos for class. i wanted to write her a note to let her know how much i love her and am amazed by her parenting abilities, but did i?
no.
i slept all day, trying to catch up on a whole week, but dreams kept me twisting and turning.
finally, today i caught up some, but still, im a bit groggy.
i havent spoken to my father to wish him a happy fathers day, but my son called him earlier. that is something i cannot deal with right now because i feel very fragile. i dont want to break. im trying to keep it together as best as i can.
i was thinking today how the men i was with end up being married a year or so after they have been with me. like november. and the exbf. and of course, the boys father. and yes, the redhaired boy.
married.
im not sure about w. or calo. they may be different because they had been married before, but who knows?
i should advertise that. that anyone who has been with me will get married after they break up with me.
joick is so funny and sweet, and i want to know his story. he messaged me last night, and eventually i revealed that my celibacy has been keeping me from a sexual outlet. i wasnt giving him hints, but i threw it out there.
his response made me laugh that my sister checked my messages to read it.
dont worry. hes 28. and hes leaving for new york in october, i said.
thats just it. hes 28.
nothing is going to happen. hes just funny right now. hes just being a friend.
but hes 28.
hes not attracted to me.
are you sure?
yes.
geez. once my son asked me, mom, why cant people see that girls and boys can be just friends without having to be in a relationship?
because people want to define everything. friendship isnt very specific when its between men and women. as long as you know, then you dont have to worry. society just gets caught up in black and white that they are uncomfortable with grey areas.
okay. because ive been hanging out with a girl, and i dont like her in that way, just as a friend.
oh, baby, ive been dealing with that since high school. im not always attracted to a person because of their sexual organ. sometimes, a persons kindness and sense of humor and my connection with them is the very reason why i love them. not because i want to marry them.
i dont even want to get married or have kids right now. im too selfish. i dont want to be responsible to anyone.
right? me neither. we love our freedom too much to let anyone take some of it from us.
the cats in the cradle, man.
okay, time for bed.
just taking it all in
received some bad, but not unexpected news today. sometimes, this psychic ability of mine bums me the fuck out.
last night, dapel and i had dinner at la grande orange, and we had a great time. after, we were sitting in the courtyard, when the metro passed by.
want to take it? i asked him.
the train?
yeah...ive always wanted to take it, but i havent yet. so wanna? my treat.
sure. we can take it to union station and come back.
okay.
it was awesome. it took only like 20 minutes tops, and it wasnt packed at all. we talked and laughed and just relaxed.
there are some interesting people on the streets and on trains. i wish i had brought my camera.
we got off on union station, and we walked to the plaza olvera. we went inside a little church, and i said a prayer.
ive been pretty much tested the past three weeks, and im hoping that the challenge is done.
i was so tired today, a different kind of tired, though.
sleep.
received some bad, but not unexpected news today. sometimes, this psychic ability of mine bums me the fuck out.
last night, dapel and i had dinner at la grande orange, and we had a great time. after, we were sitting in the courtyard, when the metro passed by.
want to take it? i asked him.
the train?
yeah...ive always wanted to take it, but i havent yet. so wanna? my treat.
sure. we can take it to union station and come back.
okay.
it was awesome. it took only like 20 minutes tops, and it wasnt packed at all. we talked and laughed and just relaxed.
there are some interesting people on the streets and on trains. i wish i had brought my camera.
we got off on union station, and we walked to the plaza olvera. we went inside a little church, and i said a prayer.
ive been pretty much tested the past three weeks, and im hoping that the challenge is done.
i was so tired today, a different kind of tired, though.
sleep.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
theres got to be an end in sight, no?
today was an emotionally challenging day, and i want these types of situations to end. i want simplicity and peace, and yes, maybe have a little bit of boring.
because boring is good. and being not busy at all? priceless.
im so tired. this isnt how i want to live. i dont want to be like igra at all, married to my job.
because while i love my job, i retain a healthy distance from it.
it wasnt like this always, you know. i lived at my job. took my son to work on the weekends and afterschool.
he was always patient and great, and i loved it, but now?
no. cant. do. it. anymore.
because theres more to life. money has nothing to do with it. the more i make, the more i pay, so why kill myself?
*****
why am i so unsatisfied with my pictures? and why do i think others are more artsy, more technically and visually pleasing?
and why do i feel like when im complimented, that its just lip service?
not that they have to say anything about my work.
even though im so freaking tired, i look forward to the class.
the man/boy isnt taking it, i guess, because he hasnt been in after the first day.
oh, well.
today was an emotionally challenging day, and i want these types of situations to end. i want simplicity and peace, and yes, maybe have a little bit of boring.
because boring is good. and being not busy at all? priceless.
im so tired. this isnt how i want to live. i dont want to be like igra at all, married to my job.
because while i love my job, i retain a healthy distance from it.
it wasnt like this always, you know. i lived at my job. took my son to work on the weekends and afterschool.
he was always patient and great, and i loved it, but now?
no. cant. do. it. anymore.
because theres more to life. money has nothing to do with it. the more i make, the more i pay, so why kill myself?
*****
why am i so unsatisfied with my pictures? and why do i think others are more artsy, more technically and visually pleasing?
and why do i feel like when im complimented, that its just lip service?
not that they have to say anything about my work.
even though im so freaking tired, i look forward to the class.
the man/boy isnt taking it, i guess, because he hasnt been in after the first day.
oh, well.
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
finally
i finished those damned senior letters today with 3 minutes to spare, and im spent. psychologically and emotionally draining.
went home and took a nap before class. ive been so sleep deprived the last three weeks. i feel im always trying to catch up with my life, and i hate it.
i want it to be simple. really simple with no major peaks or valleys. i can get used to that lifestyle for awhile.
im checking for flights to rincon, puerto rico, for early august. i need to get away from california. i need to go away with my kid.
class tonite was fun, but its hard not to miss man/boys absence.
mlh said to me earlier, m, what happened to man/boy?
i think hes upset with me.
are you kidding?
no, i dont think so.
its funny. she thinks im the one who gets people together, and i really appreciate that.
theres this little boy in class, and i mean little, and he is so fucking talented that it turns me on. i know that art is very competetive, but here, i dont feel it.
maybe its because i have a career, and im doing this for fun. hee haw!
when i finish this class, i am going to stop going to school for awhile and concentrate on work and on working as a photographer.
i want to work on my book. refine it. sell it. make money from it. and do it again.
photojournalism.
i have to up my game, and i think the little boy is going to help me. this is purely for arts sake. i am not attracted to him.
today, we shot at the stadium with the football players, and i took some snapshots of them. they are such flirts, man.
it was harmless, just back and forth. but some of them had just really yummy bodies.
what is wrong with me?
why am i not allowing myself some sex?
geez...let go of the monkey, girl.
im going to get me some. when im ready.
i finished those damned senior letters today with 3 minutes to spare, and im spent. psychologically and emotionally draining.
went home and took a nap before class. ive been so sleep deprived the last three weeks. i feel im always trying to catch up with my life, and i hate it.
i want it to be simple. really simple with no major peaks or valleys. i can get used to that lifestyle for awhile.
im checking for flights to rincon, puerto rico, for early august. i need to get away from california. i need to go away with my kid.
class tonite was fun, but its hard not to miss man/boys absence.
mlh said to me earlier, m, what happened to man/boy?
i think hes upset with me.
are you kidding?
no, i dont think so.
its funny. she thinks im the one who gets people together, and i really appreciate that.
theres this little boy in class, and i mean little, and he is so fucking talented that it turns me on. i know that art is very competetive, but here, i dont feel it.
maybe its because i have a career, and im doing this for fun. hee haw!
when i finish this class, i am going to stop going to school for awhile and concentrate on work and on working as a photographer.
i want to work on my book. refine it. sell it. make money from it. and do it again.
photojournalism.
i have to up my game, and i think the little boy is going to help me. this is purely for arts sake. i am not attracted to him.
today, we shot at the stadium with the football players, and i took some snapshots of them. they are such flirts, man.
it was harmless, just back and forth. but some of them had just really yummy bodies.
what is wrong with me?
why am i not allowing myself some sex?
geez...let go of the monkey, girl.
im going to get me some. when im ready.
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
challenging
today was extremely difficult because i was so tired from the first class last night. im so stressed out with the seniors, and i dont remember ever working this hard and being under a cloak of anxiety all the time.
but this, too, shall pass, and when it does, ill assess the damage.
i have hives, did i tell you? its totally stress related, and im not going to let this happen.
dines is having a little fling, and im happy for her because right now, its in the sweet stage. you know, where you call each other, think of each other all the time, and get butterflies.
it has been so long since ive felt that, and i wonder when ill make the time to let that in again.
because i know its my choice.
i told the brit last week that i needed time to get my shit done, and he said this: ill give you your space, and you let me know when youre ready.
i loved that sweetness, i did. but i dont think i will let him know because i dont think i will be ready.
i just dont want to mislead anyone or make promises that i know i will never be able to fulfill.
i talked to megbro about igra today, and i know shes totally disappointed and confused about my decision. but im not.
she has a theory that whenever someone gets close that i run away. that i flirt with whoever, and when they start coming around, i get freaked, and i push.
ive really cut down on the flirting because there is no time, there hasnt been anyone awesome, and im so tired.
i wish things were simpler, you know? just going to work, doing photography, hanging out with friends and family, meeting interesting people.
but heres the problem. i do meet interesting people, but there hasnt been anyone with spark and connection and chemistry.
and i sound like igra right now, i know. i dont want that. i dont want to be like him or have his lifestyle because i cant always be on.
one thing that turns me off is this: men...and women...who cannot spend time alone by themselves for a significant amount of time.
w and the exbf are so awesome in that sense because they gave the appearance that they dont need anyone.
megbro mentioned how i dont like needy people.
well, who does?
i like men who can stand on their own, live through their pain, rather than drown it in alcohol or immerse themselves in a sea of people.
igra is in a phase where he needs to be around someone all the time. like november. they both give off the sense of being so busy, but their being busy is overcommitment because they dont want to just hang out alone.
the last time igra did that, i think he almost cried out of sheer loneliness. the way he described it was truly heartbreaking, and he told me he said this to himself: well, if m did this way back in college when she holed up in her dorm room, then i can do this now.
and he did. and i loved it.
but now, he is always with someone, never allowing himself to feel pain and loneliness. and this scares me.
because until he faces these feelings, i just dont think he can move on.
and he hasnt.
today was extremely difficult because i was so tired from the first class last night. im so stressed out with the seniors, and i dont remember ever working this hard and being under a cloak of anxiety all the time.
but this, too, shall pass, and when it does, ill assess the damage.
i have hives, did i tell you? its totally stress related, and im not going to let this happen.
dines is having a little fling, and im happy for her because right now, its in the sweet stage. you know, where you call each other, think of each other all the time, and get butterflies.
it has been so long since ive felt that, and i wonder when ill make the time to let that in again.
because i know its my choice.
i told the brit last week that i needed time to get my shit done, and he said this: ill give you your space, and you let me know when youre ready.
i loved that sweetness, i did. but i dont think i will let him know because i dont think i will be ready.
i just dont want to mislead anyone or make promises that i know i will never be able to fulfill.
i talked to megbro about igra today, and i know shes totally disappointed and confused about my decision. but im not.
she has a theory that whenever someone gets close that i run away. that i flirt with whoever, and when they start coming around, i get freaked, and i push.
ive really cut down on the flirting because there is no time, there hasnt been anyone awesome, and im so tired.
i wish things were simpler, you know? just going to work, doing photography, hanging out with friends and family, meeting interesting people.
but heres the problem. i do meet interesting people, but there hasnt been anyone with spark and connection and chemistry.
and i sound like igra right now, i know. i dont want that. i dont want to be like him or have his lifestyle because i cant always be on.
one thing that turns me off is this: men...and women...who cannot spend time alone by themselves for a significant amount of time.
w and the exbf are so awesome in that sense because they gave the appearance that they dont need anyone.
megbro mentioned how i dont like needy people.
well, who does?
i like men who can stand on their own, live through their pain, rather than drown it in alcohol or immerse themselves in a sea of people.
igra is in a phase where he needs to be around someone all the time. like november. they both give off the sense of being so busy, but their being busy is overcommitment because they dont want to just hang out alone.
the last time igra did that, i think he almost cried out of sheer loneliness. the way he described it was truly heartbreaking, and he told me he said this to himself: well, if m did this way back in college when she holed up in her dorm room, then i can do this now.
and he did. and i loved it.
but now, he is always with someone, never allowing himself to feel pain and loneliness. and this scares me.
because until he faces these feelings, i just dont think he can move on.
and he hasnt.
Monday, June 09, 2008
quickie
i do not know what is wrong with me. and maybe there isnt anything wrong with me, but here, let me say this: im so impatient about guys.
and i find i lose my apetite for them so quickly that it scares me.
im tired. its been a long day, with another one to look forward to tomorrow. class started, and i love it.
very. much.
the man/boy came in and immediately started flirting with me. he is either awkward and shy or just plain bad at flirting.
he looks at me and says nothing, so i have to spit out, what?
i just dont know what else to say, you know?
but lets see what happens.
im just done with all things male.
again.
i do not know what is wrong with me. and maybe there isnt anything wrong with me, but here, let me say this: im so impatient about guys.
and i find i lose my apetite for them so quickly that it scares me.
im tired. its been a long day, with another one to look forward to tomorrow. class started, and i love it.
very. much.
the man/boy came in and immediately started flirting with me. he is either awkward and shy or just plain bad at flirting.
he looks at me and says nothing, so i have to spit out, what?
i just dont know what else to say, you know?
but lets see what happens.
im just done with all things male.
again.
Sunday, June 08, 2008
anxiety induced ramblings
i finished as much as i could with writing senior letters, but tomorrow, i still have to do at least 35 more. its very sobering and sad, but i have to let it go because in the end, everything turns out for the best. at least id like to think so.
my boy helped me out, and he was incredibly surprised about it. of course, he is. because as far as this family is concerned, education is the only way out of any miserable situation. and education can take the form of information by books, traveling, exposure to other perspectives and circumstance, observation, contemplation, and such.
it motivates him, i think, to see these dismal failing grades. and he is more sympathetic to my plight of having to do this. he know understands my aggravation and frustration, and why i push him so bloody hard.
*****
his confirmation e-ticket just arrived in my mailbox. his father followed instructions very well this time, in terms of the departure and arrival schedules.
good for him.
so, here. last night, or was it yesterday afternoon, there was a fleeting moment where i thought, what if i made a mistake? what if i was supposed to be destined to be with him? what if he was the one who got away?
and i smiled to myself that i can think of this now without going into tremors because i know i dont regret not being with him. i know that if we had married, i would have had to be a traditional wife, and my masters would never have been pursued. and photography. that would have surely been out the window.
it isnt that hes a bad person. we will always have this hurt between us that he will never get over. he hates me. all virgo men hate me, but its okay.
the boys father is really handsome, and i will always have only fond memories of him. but that doesnt mean i want to live with him forever.
*****
im going on an igra-free diet. because its not good right now.
i told him this last night: so, this guy asked me if i were a bit bad, and i told him, well, i know im a good person, with a good heart and good intentions, but sometimes, if the winds are blowing a certain the direction, and the moon is in an optimal phase, im very bad.
really.
yes, but you know, its not going to go anywhere. im a bit lazy at upkeep.
no, youre not lazy, youre just not ready. and dont do anything unless youre ready.
okay.
i was blown away. he never encourages me to go out with guys, never ever supports me when i say that i have a crush. hes just so flat about it.
but when i say i dont like a guy because im bored with the three conversations ive had with them, he lights up like a little firecracker and agrees with me that yes, there must be something wrong with them.
however, i encourage him to go out with girls for more than a stupid safe lunch date that he frequently has. i support his decisions to carry on with women who may not be anymore than flings. i want him to be happy, and i tell him outright that hes the one who is fucking around with them.
the other night, he reveals, why would people stay married if theyre unhappy? take my parents, for example. theyre not happy with their marriage, but because theyre old, they wont leave each other.
whats wrong with their marriage?
my dad is complaining that my mom is a nag, but if he just gave her a little bit, she wouldnt be nagging so much. he knows thats what she wants, and he doesnt give in to her. at all.
wow. thats tough. its an awful cycle, you know?
and let me tell you, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree with this one. hes like that, too, man.
he told me that he has an older lady friend who asked him, igra, what do you want from your life? do you want a family? a marriage? because the way youre going, youre going to end up like me. alone.
what do you think about that? i asked him.
shes right, he said. and i had to really think about that because i am 39, and my feet are nowhere near being planted. some day, i know, but not now. its been almost two years since my breakup.
youre enjoying your life. freedom is good. i cant imagine you jumping into a relationship without really thinking about it. i like that about you.
but i need some space from him.
i know that this is my pattern: when someone gets close, i become smothered. i feel i cant breathe, and he isnt even remotely anything other than a friend.
we are friends. i just hate the pressure of being asked to define it and questioned when i say that it is simply a good friendship.
because thats it. thats all i can give anyone. and ive told him that even that is hard sometimes.
it bothers me, though, how we have become.
it used to be so light. he was an amazing source of strength and wisdom when i needed him to be. he had a girlfriend, but he spent hours talking to me after search. we could never leave without an hour and a half minimum spent explaining, questioning, pushing, soothing.
and when his relationship ended? it was...weird.
maybe its me? maybe i dont feel comfortable around him?
if that is so, which i dont think it is, but if that is so, then this will be the last post about him for a long time.
because i need to go out there again, and find me a friend for the summer. a buddy of sorts.
*****
its been so long, and i think im ready now to fuck again. something simple and easy, nothing complicated and mind numbingly drama filled.
because i cant stand that.
of course i need time to find that person, and when i find that person, i need time to fuck that person.
joick is so cute and sweet.
on friday, he told me this: so, yeah, im leaving, but they asked me to stay until after mester 1.
are you going to do it?
yes, i think so.
good. because i dont want you to leave yet. well, not until you say good bye nicely. do you know where youre going?
im thinking of going to new york.
wow...awesome! do it!
i am.
im impressed, joick. who you going with?
myself.
now, im so smitten with you. what part?
i dont know yet. but my friends told me that the village has a great music scene. im expanding my horizons.
yeah? how?
im learning how to rap. and im learning how to play the bass.
rap?
more reggae.
i can see you doing that. and if you wrote those lyrics, then you should be successful. from rock to reggae. talented, man.
you have to come visit me.
i will. if you invite me. im going to miss you.
i wont even touch that one. not unless he wants me to touch him, then i will, but really. i just dont want to have drama at work.
and im feeling a bit mischievous and adventurous, so im going to meet someone soon.
i hope he keeps my attention and interest.
i finished as much as i could with writing senior letters, but tomorrow, i still have to do at least 35 more. its very sobering and sad, but i have to let it go because in the end, everything turns out for the best. at least id like to think so.
my boy helped me out, and he was incredibly surprised about it. of course, he is. because as far as this family is concerned, education is the only way out of any miserable situation. and education can take the form of information by books, traveling, exposure to other perspectives and circumstance, observation, contemplation, and such.
it motivates him, i think, to see these dismal failing grades. and he is more sympathetic to my plight of having to do this. he know understands my aggravation and frustration, and why i push him so bloody hard.
*****
his confirmation e-ticket just arrived in my mailbox. his father followed instructions very well this time, in terms of the departure and arrival schedules.
good for him.
so, here. last night, or was it yesterday afternoon, there was a fleeting moment where i thought, what if i made a mistake? what if i was supposed to be destined to be with him? what if he was the one who got away?
and i smiled to myself that i can think of this now without going into tremors because i know i dont regret not being with him. i know that if we had married, i would have had to be a traditional wife, and my masters would never have been pursued. and photography. that would have surely been out the window.
it isnt that hes a bad person. we will always have this hurt between us that he will never get over. he hates me. all virgo men hate me, but its okay.
the boys father is really handsome, and i will always have only fond memories of him. but that doesnt mean i want to live with him forever.
*****
im going on an igra-free diet. because its not good right now.
i told him this last night: so, this guy asked me if i were a bit bad, and i told him, well, i know im a good person, with a good heart and good intentions, but sometimes, if the winds are blowing a certain the direction, and the moon is in an optimal phase, im very bad.
really.
yes, but you know, its not going to go anywhere. im a bit lazy at upkeep.
no, youre not lazy, youre just not ready. and dont do anything unless youre ready.
okay.
i was blown away. he never encourages me to go out with guys, never ever supports me when i say that i have a crush. hes just so flat about it.
but when i say i dont like a guy because im bored with the three conversations ive had with them, he lights up like a little firecracker and agrees with me that yes, there must be something wrong with them.
however, i encourage him to go out with girls for more than a stupid safe lunch date that he frequently has. i support his decisions to carry on with women who may not be anymore than flings. i want him to be happy, and i tell him outright that hes the one who is fucking around with them.
the other night, he reveals, why would people stay married if theyre unhappy? take my parents, for example. theyre not happy with their marriage, but because theyre old, they wont leave each other.
whats wrong with their marriage?
my dad is complaining that my mom is a nag, but if he just gave her a little bit, she wouldnt be nagging so much. he knows thats what she wants, and he doesnt give in to her. at all.
wow. thats tough. its an awful cycle, you know?
and let me tell you, the apple doesnt fall far from the tree with this one. hes like that, too, man.
he told me that he has an older lady friend who asked him, igra, what do you want from your life? do you want a family? a marriage? because the way youre going, youre going to end up like me. alone.
what do you think about that? i asked him.
shes right, he said. and i had to really think about that because i am 39, and my feet are nowhere near being planted. some day, i know, but not now. its been almost two years since my breakup.
youre enjoying your life. freedom is good. i cant imagine you jumping into a relationship without really thinking about it. i like that about you.
but i need some space from him.
i know that this is my pattern: when someone gets close, i become smothered. i feel i cant breathe, and he isnt even remotely anything other than a friend.
we are friends. i just hate the pressure of being asked to define it and questioned when i say that it is simply a good friendship.
because thats it. thats all i can give anyone. and ive told him that even that is hard sometimes.
it bothers me, though, how we have become.
it used to be so light. he was an amazing source of strength and wisdom when i needed him to be. he had a girlfriend, but he spent hours talking to me after search. we could never leave without an hour and a half minimum spent explaining, questioning, pushing, soothing.
and when his relationship ended? it was...weird.
maybe its me? maybe i dont feel comfortable around him?
if that is so, which i dont think it is, but if that is so, then this will be the last post about him for a long time.
because i need to go out there again, and find me a friend for the summer. a buddy of sorts.
*****
its been so long, and i think im ready now to fuck again. something simple and easy, nothing complicated and mind numbingly drama filled.
because i cant stand that.
of course i need time to find that person, and when i find that person, i need time to fuck that person.
joick is so cute and sweet.
on friday, he told me this: so, yeah, im leaving, but they asked me to stay until after mester 1.
are you going to do it?
yes, i think so.
good. because i dont want you to leave yet. well, not until you say good bye nicely. do you know where youre going?
im thinking of going to new york.
wow...awesome! do it!
i am.
im impressed, joick. who you going with?
myself.
now, im so smitten with you. what part?
i dont know yet. but my friends told me that the village has a great music scene. im expanding my horizons.
yeah? how?
im learning how to rap. and im learning how to play the bass.
rap?
more reggae.
i can see you doing that. and if you wrote those lyrics, then you should be successful. from rock to reggae. talented, man.
you have to come visit me.
i will. if you invite me. im going to miss you.
i wont even touch that one. not unless he wants me to touch him, then i will, but really. i just dont want to have drama at work.
and im feeling a bit mischievous and adventurous, so im going to meet someone soon.
i hope he keeps my attention and interest.
Saturday, June 07, 2008
stalling
tomorrow, i am going to work for a full day on my senior letters, and then on monday, im going to check recheck them. because im so anal like that.
i need to take more pictures. i need to be so inspired.
i cannot wait until class on monday. i cant wait to hang out with the man/boy.
and i cant wait until this nightmare of a time is over.
tomorrow, i am going to work for a full day on my senior letters, and then on monday, im going to check recheck them. because im so anal like that.
i need to take more pictures. i need to be so inspired.
i cannot wait until class on monday. i cant wait to hang out with the man/boy.
and i cant wait until this nightmare of a time is over.
drunken call
he called me after i left a few messages about plans for tonite. it wasnt going to work out, and i was disappointed, but perhaps he and i arent ready yet to go back to the place that solidified our bond.
he was laughing, drunk, telling me about this and that, and i was laughing along with him.
he said, stop laughing at me. you make me feel so small.
there are some things, igra, that you should let me find out for yourself.
he slurred some words, and i was laughing at him so i didnt hear his response to that comment.
then, this: im only going to be here for another half hour. what are you doing later?
not much.
can i call you then?
yes, of course.
im going to take home this beautiful guy, and you have to meet him. he is beautiful, smart, and he has a gorgeous loft. thats really the main reason i want you to meet him.
yes, lets set that up.
and hes married, and hes expecting a little one. hes so smart, im surprised hes married.
right. marriage. wow.
lately, hes just been talking about it, and i keep saying that im so not ready for anyone to come in to my life, and he says the same.
but i think soon, he will be, and she will be lucky.
he called me after i left a few messages about plans for tonite. it wasnt going to work out, and i was disappointed, but perhaps he and i arent ready yet to go back to the place that solidified our bond.
he was laughing, drunk, telling me about this and that, and i was laughing along with him.
he said, stop laughing at me. you make me feel so small.
there are some things, igra, that you should let me find out for yourself.
he slurred some words, and i was laughing at him so i didnt hear his response to that comment.
then, this: im only going to be here for another half hour. what are you doing later?
not much.
can i call you then?
yes, of course.
im going to take home this beautiful guy, and you have to meet him. he is beautiful, smart, and he has a gorgeous loft. thats really the main reason i want you to meet him.
yes, lets set that up.
and hes married, and hes expecting a little one. hes so smart, im surprised hes married.
right. marriage. wow.
lately, hes just been talking about it, and i keep saying that im so not ready for anyone to come in to my life, and he says the same.
but i think soon, he will be, and she will be lucky.
Friday, June 06, 2008
not quite well
my digestive system is being affected by the stress of the past two weeks, and im not being careful what i eat.
i feel like shit right now, and im tired, so off to bed.
several invitations to hang out tonite, but gaya and i went to hang out instead. and by 8 p.m., i was yawning.
i wanted to hang out with my son this weekend, but shit is due by thursday, shit i wont be able to take care of because of school starting next week, so i figure ill just get it out of the way this weekend.
fuck me.
well, right. havent met anyone lately.
but tomorrow, igra and i are going to search tomorrow night.
im trying to keep it light with him. i encourage him to go out with girls, to even think about getting married.
but hes not ready. well, at least thats what he tells me.
i dont know. i dont care.
lets just see what happens. its all about timing.
and my timing is always just a bit off.
my digestive system is being affected by the stress of the past two weeks, and im not being careful what i eat.
i feel like shit right now, and im tired, so off to bed.
several invitations to hang out tonite, but gaya and i went to hang out instead. and by 8 p.m., i was yawning.
i wanted to hang out with my son this weekend, but shit is due by thursday, shit i wont be able to take care of because of school starting next week, so i figure ill just get it out of the way this weekend.
fuck me.
well, right. havent met anyone lately.
but tomorrow, igra and i are going to search tomorrow night.
im trying to keep it light with him. i encourage him to go out with girls, to even think about getting married.
but hes not ready. well, at least thats what he tells me.
i dont know. i dont care.
lets just see what happens. its all about timing.
and my timing is always just a bit off.
Thursday, June 05, 2008
plans
so, this week is almost over, and before its done, i will have written letters to parents that their child is in danger of failing a class, and for some, that their child has not made up classes for me, so they will not be graduating.
but starting on monday, i have the digital photography class for five weeks.
after that, ill have a five week vacation. and somewhere in there, my boy is going up to tahoe to hang out with his father and his baby brother and others.
its a short, weekend trip at the end of my photography class. when he comes back, ill be free.
unless.
id like to teach a class for ten weeks, and not for the money, but for the practice of being back in the classroom and getting back in the game.
*****
just talked with igra, but then my phone died.
the topic of conversation tonite: marriage. and relationships. and commitments.
uh, yeah, so my hard on just went down.
and then he says this: why do you think you attract 28 year olds?
what?
you say the younger guys are attracted to you.
uh, well, i havent told you about the 50 year old men and the 30 something women that hit on me.
well, whatever age, why do you think theyre attracted to you?
i dont know.
its because you dont need them. you love life, youre independent, and they look at you, and they want the same thing.
no, i dont think thats it.
what do you think then?
i think its because i give great blow jobs.
hhhmmm...youre giving women blow jobs?
well, its been a slow season, and the men arent as attractive as the women. but dont worry, youre still my oao.
oao?
yes. do you know what that stands for?
oao...hhhmmm.
and thats when my phone died.
thank God.
so, this week is almost over, and before its done, i will have written letters to parents that their child is in danger of failing a class, and for some, that their child has not made up classes for me, so they will not be graduating.
but starting on monday, i have the digital photography class for five weeks.
after that, ill have a five week vacation. and somewhere in there, my boy is going up to tahoe to hang out with his father and his baby brother and others.
its a short, weekend trip at the end of my photography class. when he comes back, ill be free.
unless.
id like to teach a class for ten weeks, and not for the money, but for the practice of being back in the classroom and getting back in the game.
*****
just talked with igra, but then my phone died.
the topic of conversation tonite: marriage. and relationships. and commitments.
uh, yeah, so my hard on just went down.
and then he says this: why do you think you attract 28 year olds?
what?
you say the younger guys are attracted to you.
uh, well, i havent told you about the 50 year old men and the 30 something women that hit on me.
well, whatever age, why do you think theyre attracted to you?
i dont know.
its because you dont need them. you love life, youre independent, and they look at you, and they want the same thing.
no, i dont think thats it.
what do you think then?
i think its because i give great blow jobs.
hhhmmm...youre giving women blow jobs?
well, its been a slow season, and the men arent as attractive as the women. but dont worry, youre still my oao.
oao?
yes. do you know what that stands for?
oao...hhhmmm.
and thats when my phone died.
thank God.
something light
did i tell you about how igra said i had game? i asked dines this afternoon.
no, you didnt. when was this?
the last last time we talked. it was an odd conversation.
well?
he said that every guy falls in love with me.
hes right.
no, i wish. i should have said...well, igra, if i every guy fell in love with me, what happened to you?
why didnt you say it?
because i thought of it after.
later on, at the rose bowl, she brought it up again.
igra isnt the first person to say that about you, you know, she said.
its lies, i tell you, mad lies.
if two people say it, then its true.
eh, whatevs. my feet arent planted yet right now, and im enjoying this freedom of not having to answer to anyone, but ill say this: there are two i would love to fuck again. just for closure.
did you ever sleep with igra?
no.
come on. youre sleeping with him, right?
nope. i told you why not. besides, anapi thinks hes nervous around me.
i agree with her.
no...no way. we have a simple relationship. no drama. just fun, always laughing. i love that.
i dont know. i think what anapi meant to say was that theres tension between you.
not on my part. im tense because hes tense.
see...hes tense. sexual tension.
i cant go there right now. really.
its not going to change.
i know. i know. we are both just stalling.
totally.
*****
things at work are slowly getting back to normal. tomorrow is the funeral, and my football players are wearing their jerseys tonite at the viewing, and theyre going to dress up for the services tomorrow.
im still not ready to open up about it.
igra called while i was in the shower, and in a way, im glad i missed his call.
he sounded tired.
and im not in the mood to discuss.
maybe saturday night, hopefully, when we are at search.
i need that coddling right now. i need to feel safe with people who will love me and support me.
friendships.
did i tell you about how igra said i had game? i asked dines this afternoon.
no, you didnt. when was this?
the last last time we talked. it was an odd conversation.
well?
he said that every guy falls in love with me.
hes right.
no, i wish. i should have said...well, igra, if i every guy fell in love with me, what happened to you?
why didnt you say it?
because i thought of it after.
later on, at the rose bowl, she brought it up again.
igra isnt the first person to say that about you, you know, she said.
its lies, i tell you, mad lies.
if two people say it, then its true.
eh, whatevs. my feet arent planted yet right now, and im enjoying this freedom of not having to answer to anyone, but ill say this: there are two i would love to fuck again. just for closure.
did you ever sleep with igra?
no.
come on. youre sleeping with him, right?
nope. i told you why not. besides, anapi thinks hes nervous around me.
i agree with her.
no...no way. we have a simple relationship. no drama. just fun, always laughing. i love that.
i dont know. i think what anapi meant to say was that theres tension between you.
not on my part. im tense because hes tense.
see...hes tense. sexual tension.
i cant go there right now. really.
its not going to change.
i know. i know. we are both just stalling.
totally.
*****
things at work are slowly getting back to normal. tomorrow is the funeral, and my football players are wearing their jerseys tonite at the viewing, and theyre going to dress up for the services tomorrow.
im still not ready to open up about it.
igra called while i was in the shower, and in a way, im glad i missed his call.
he sounded tired.
and im not in the mood to discuss.
maybe saturday night, hopefully, when we are at search.
i need that coddling right now. i need to feel safe with people who will love me and support me.
friendships.
Wednesday, June 04, 2008
slowly, with time
we all went out for dinner tonite for lines and dines birthday. it was fun, mostly because i had asahi. it was truly the only way i can tolerate that asshole, who wasnt so bad. because i was eased by alcohol.
work is good. the past week has been extraordinarily, abnormally draining psychologically and emotionally. im still not ready to venture out my little bubble and talk about what has happened.
i need to process and allow myself to feel pain, fear, shock, anger. im functioning on autopilot, doing whatever it is i am given to do, not thinking, not feeling.
i find this comforting and familiar, and im going to stay in this mode for awhile.
on the way home today, i thought about how happy i am with my life the way it is now. just me and my son, work, friends, photography.
i could use more money, more time, more love, but overall, im so blessed.
i know eventually i will have to meet someone. and im preparing myself. i am.
and i will.
i want to be taken.
soon.
we all went out for dinner tonite for lines and dines birthday. it was fun, mostly because i had asahi. it was truly the only way i can tolerate that asshole, who wasnt so bad. because i was eased by alcohol.
work is good. the past week has been extraordinarily, abnormally draining psychologically and emotionally. im still not ready to venture out my little bubble and talk about what has happened.
i need to process and allow myself to feel pain, fear, shock, anger. im functioning on autopilot, doing whatever it is i am given to do, not thinking, not feeling.
i find this comforting and familiar, and im going to stay in this mode for awhile.
on the way home today, i thought about how happy i am with my life the way it is now. just me and my son, work, friends, photography.
i could use more money, more time, more love, but overall, im so blessed.
i know eventually i will have to meet someone. and im preparing myself. i am.
and i will.
i want to be taken.
soon.
Tuesday, June 03, 2008
plenty, but not tonite
i have tons of words that need to be emptied on this screen, but i need to process it yet.
the crisis at school seems to have lessened; however, i still need to call in some kids who seem to still be affected. they arent sleeping and eating, and they are merely functioning on fumes.
it may be insensitive, but to snap them to reality, ive had to say this with the kindest, most sincere and authoritative voice: life goes on. it will not stop for you, and when youre ready, it isnt going to pick up where you left off.
because that is the truth.
i know this. ive been pissed at the universe for not stopping movement when i was hurt by the whole w affair. or for any time deemed necessary for me to take a break from the spin of things.
today was a nicer, kinder day. the air at school was lighter, and the weather cooperated. beautiful june day. i loved socal today.
i cant address the loss that was suffered. not tonite.
and i also cant speak to igra, even if it is his birthday today. its just too much for me right now, and i have nothing to give.
i need a damned make out session. dammit.
i have tons of words that need to be emptied on this screen, but i need to process it yet.
the crisis at school seems to have lessened; however, i still need to call in some kids who seem to still be affected. they arent sleeping and eating, and they are merely functioning on fumes.
it may be insensitive, but to snap them to reality, ive had to say this with the kindest, most sincere and authoritative voice: life goes on. it will not stop for you, and when youre ready, it isnt going to pick up where you left off.
because that is the truth.
i know this. ive been pissed at the universe for not stopping movement when i was hurt by the whole w affair. or for any time deemed necessary for me to take a break from the spin of things.
today was a nicer, kinder day. the air at school was lighter, and the weather cooperated. beautiful june day. i loved socal today.
i cant address the loss that was suffered. not tonite.
and i also cant speak to igra, even if it is his birthday today. its just too much for me right now, and i have nothing to give.
i need a damned make out session. dammit.
Monday, June 02, 2008
at least someone thinks so
take that, bitches who think im evil. consider yourselves proven wrong.
muhahahaha.
How evil are you?
want to play?
take that, bitches who think im evil. consider yourselves proven wrong.
muhahahaha.
How evil are you?
want to play?
oh, yeah, life goes on
it has to.
no matter what.
and im glad because sometimes, its just so nice to be swept up in a wave and carried to shore even if its far from where i started.
it was a heavy day today.
there is a phrase to describe how people look when they are in shock: they have the 1000-year stare. if you havent seen this yet, consider yourself lucky.
if you have seen it, and if youve seen it in the eyes of children, then you are my brethren.
dear God, please ease our anxieties and send the Holy Spirit to comfort us and keep us as one.
the kids showed support for their fallen brother.
i feel so emotionally and psychologically drained.
thank goodness for the herbal meds.
it has to.
no matter what.
and im glad because sometimes, its just so nice to be swept up in a wave and carried to shore even if its far from where i started.
it was a heavy day today.
there is a phrase to describe how people look when they are in shock: they have the 1000-year stare. if you havent seen this yet, consider yourself lucky.
if you have seen it, and if youve seen it in the eyes of children, then you are my brethren.
dear God, please ease our anxieties and send the Holy Spirit to comfort us and keep us as one.
the kids showed support for their fallen brother.
i feel so emotionally and psychologically drained.
thank goodness for the herbal meds.
Sunday, June 01, 2008
smoke filled haze
ive been self-medicating lately. the last four nights, in fact. and i love it.
i need to leave this city now, not because i can no longer stand it, but because i feel stronger inside to move and to find what will make me happy.
i just sent an inquiry for a position in the bay area. if i get an opportunity to meet with them, i will. and then, if i am offered a position, i will have to somehow negotiate with my son. because i want it.
im going to try to sleep. this should be fun.
yay!
ive been self-medicating lately. the last four nights, in fact. and i love it.
i need to leave this city now, not because i can no longer stand it, but because i feel stronger inside to move and to find what will make me happy.
i just sent an inquiry for a position in the bay area. if i get an opportunity to meet with them, i will. and then, if i am offered a position, i will have to somehow negotiate with my son. because i want it.
im going to try to sleep. this should be fun.
yay!
aint got nothing
i was panicking on friday because i had to do work this weekend to see if i fucked up any more. and i looked, and i think there are four in total so far. little mistakes, but its too late to do anything about it, so im just going to ask for a waiver instead of freaking out about it.
i am exhausted from thinking about tomorrow. i can feel my anxiety working harder than ever, and its hard to breathe. not because im having a heart attack, though i feel like i will if anymore stress comes my way, but because i dont breathe. i find im holding my breath, and this is not good.
there were bright spots this weekend, though. i hung out with dines last night for a long ass time. its been awhile, and i know shes changed, and i like this.
we talked about the man/boy, igra, joick, and the brit. we planned a trip to sin city when we both get a free weekend off.
she made dinner, and lines came over with the kids.
the photo shoot was fine. the pictures werent too great, but my friend liked them. i look at it with my critical eye, and i saw some details here and there that could be better, so im not too happy with them.
and igra and i talked. crazy. hes funny, sarcastic, and jealous. jealous.
joick called me and messaged me a few times. we never actually connected, though, but its all good. it was a tough weekend anyway.
and you know what?
i think it would be nice to kiss someone again. i dont want an fwb or a fb at all, but i also know that i dont have much to give right now. even if he were perfect, i just dont have enough me to give to him.
please Father, please send the Holy Spirit with me tomorrow.
amen.
i was panicking on friday because i had to do work this weekend to see if i fucked up any more. and i looked, and i think there are four in total so far. little mistakes, but its too late to do anything about it, so im just going to ask for a waiver instead of freaking out about it.
i am exhausted from thinking about tomorrow. i can feel my anxiety working harder than ever, and its hard to breathe. not because im having a heart attack, though i feel like i will if anymore stress comes my way, but because i dont breathe. i find im holding my breath, and this is not good.
there were bright spots this weekend, though. i hung out with dines last night for a long ass time. its been awhile, and i know shes changed, and i like this.
we talked about the man/boy, igra, joick, and the brit. we planned a trip to sin city when we both get a free weekend off.
she made dinner, and lines came over with the kids.
the photo shoot was fine. the pictures werent too great, but my friend liked them. i look at it with my critical eye, and i saw some details here and there that could be better, so im not too happy with them.
and igra and i talked. crazy. hes funny, sarcastic, and jealous. jealous.
joick called me and messaged me a few times. we never actually connected, though, but its all good. it was a tough weekend anyway.
and you know what?
i think it would be nice to kiss someone again. i dont want an fwb or a fb at all, but i also know that i dont have much to give right now. even if he were perfect, i just dont have enough me to give to him.
please Father, please send the Holy Spirit with me tomorrow.
amen.
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