changing, improving, healing, evolving

today was a good day, despite being so bored the first two hours at wilson. i had to cut out early because if i didnt, id have fallen asleep. which isnt very good. thank God, jija is amazingly nice and said to me, take the rest of the day off.

after, i hung out for the last day with my aunt and grandmother because her husband and child comes back, and she returns to work with an unpleasant stupid ass.

i hope she survives this crazy bitch. my aunt is tough...and shes a bitch herself, but in a good way, so im sure that monster has something coming to her.

when i dropped them off, i came back home to take a little nap before going to my project and hanging out with dines.

yup. again. our friendship is now in tact. shes learning a lot about herself, and shes really using what shes learned to improve. which i just love.

we talked about our past situations and the similarities between them. uncanny. but not surprising. at all.

however, shes angry with the guy shes with and rightfully so. he was really destructive towards her, mostly mentally but emotionally as well. he called her names, which to me is the lowest form of fighting that does nothing in terms of intellect. yes, at the height of emotional anguish, theres no time to think.

but she said something about me that made me feel ive made some improvements with my personal growth. she said, youre so zenlike about w.

its because he is a good man, and this could have gone in so many different directions, but hes maintained dignity - mine and his - throughout. and if hes met someone, it would make my heart sing.

its too soon, isnt it?

i dont know. i dont want to know.

what if you went to his place...

no.

...to see...

no, i cant.

...if he will talk to you?

no. i couldnt disrespect him like that. he doesnt ever want to talk to me, and i have to listen to him and honor it.

youre strong. if m lived closer, i would have gone...well, if he lived closer, we wouldnt have these problems.

yes, i think you would have.

i should have known that when you never met him, that it was a sign. it was a sign.

no, listen. it was just a time that was crazy. it wasnt an indication.

so, we talked, and it was like it always is after a prolonged time apart. ive missed her, and while shes still the same, so many things have changed within her, and for that, im happy.

she asked me if im opening myself up to meeting guys, and i told her that i was not ready yet.

im still healing, i said. its taking me awhile. ive got to sort this out first before i do anything with anyone.

well, look, youre not in a hurry, right?

right.

and youre here. youre not going anywhere, so this is a good thing.

it is a good thing. i told her ive been in a state of celibacy since w, and she seemed surprised knowing my past, but im really proud of myself.

but i know that soon, i will have to start going out there again. i have to, or else, i will forget.

and then, ill forever remain in this phase.

which, truth be told, im tiring of.

moving around too much

friday after dinner, dines told me this: igra really likes you.

huh? how do you know?

because at your birthday party when we talked, all he could talk about was you.

right. what did he say?

he said that he loves hanging out with you, so i said...you should hang out with her more often. he said...well, shes always so busy that i dont think she has time.

and then yesterday, i was talking to dapel, and he said this: you were supposed to call me back when you got better, but you havent.

i know. im sorry. ive just been so busy.

youre always busy, though. you never make time for me.

youre not the only one who has said that to me. im sorry. i am.

and i wont even tell you about the man/boy who just really pushed me to the edge, and im so done with him. if he contacts me again, im going to lose respect for him.

this weekend was full of going out and being with family. its been awhile since ive hung out with them, and i like taking in my fill of them.

im especially in love with my 3 year old cousin who today was letting me tickle him and carry him and hold him. i miss babies. not that i want another one, but i miss their happiness.

my darling nieces had a recital today, and again, i was just warmed by their talent and their innocence and the fact that they want to hang out with me.

im so lucky, really.

oh, and how can i forget? yesterday, i took my aunt and my grandmother to this amazing exhibit. if there is anyone reading this, i plead with your intelligence to go to this.

i have such profound respect for my body, and i intend to treat it with care from now on. ive let myself get all lazy and irresponsible. really.

but my workout buddy and i are going to go to the gym again, and im going to start dating in about three months. i have to. im getting very apathetic to everything men right now. and im neglectful of anyone that wants to invade my life. even if its igra.

it sneaks in once in awhile.

im still very much fearful and untrusting of anything that asks for my intimacy and commitment. i truly have to delve into my issues of feeling constricted and claustrophobic in a relationship with anyone, no matter who it is. and this is what i dont want to happen: i dont want to pass up a chance with a great man.

i think of all the men ive been with, and theres not one i regret not being with. well, with the exception of w. i wanted to get to know him better, and i think if everything were to...no. no more. theres nothing more left to wish for, so i have to get on with getting over him.

im tired of it. im tired of dreaming of him, of letting him creep into my thoughts on a regular basis, of needing him still after all this time, of wanting him between my legs and in my mouth...and this is what im so sickened with the most: of the connection and of the chemistry between us.

im exhausted of it, and i can no longer fight the ghost of him, the memory of him, the hope of him.

life is so beautiful for me right now, and i dont want to get jaded or let my heart not feel the pain and the excitement and the sweetness and the joy and the fear and the mixture of happiness and romance of love.

i love the whole idea of love. i do, and i want to be in love and be slowly guided and be massaged and be seduced and taken care of.

i do.

soon...soon, i pray.

soon.

this version is better, actually



and whats up with the gay men in my life calling me one right after the other?

they miss the m in their lives, i bet.

its a sunshine day



i heard this on the way to napa, around 8 in the a.m., and it made everything much brighter.

despite a very anxiety ridden session with the woman who is very empowering and has miraculously pushed me towards a much saner existence.

because shes just an awesome gal like that.

i finally told her the name of the man who i have missed tremendously the past eight months.

it seems to me that you never knew him because you never asked him, and you made up a lot of conversations in your mind about him, she says.

i say, absolutely true. i have no defense against that.

so, you miss the connection?

yes, i do. and the intimacy with him. because it was very passionate. even though i didnt know him, i felt so damned aware and intense with him.

but perhaps not just a connection with a man, then? perhaps with both men and women.

yeah, because ive just kept to myself the last eight months.

i thought you were making friends at work?

i am, but i dont have social interaction every day.

she suggested that perhaps next time, i ask, i share, and i discover what the other person feels instead of thinking i already know.

sometimes, i feel like im psychic, i say.

im not saying that your perception is wrong, but are you psychic?

me? no way! if i were, id have the numbers to the lottery and a man to share it with, yeah?

which is kind of interesting that she hit it on the spot about me guessing and assuming about how people are going to react.

so.

after, i go to burbank to get two things, none of which i get, but feel inspired to get other things when i get money. someday.

roca texts me to meet for lunch, so we go here, and it is good. light. but i hate the shit they put in the tuna sandwiches. raisins, i think? i dont know.

on the way there, though, the man/boy calls me. its been awhile since we last talked, and we are miscommunicating via texts. i honestly thought he had disappeared, but he is really a sweet boy.

he says, im just giving you a hard time about going out with me, you know.

no, listen. i have to apologize. i dont mean to be giving you the run around. the truth is that i have been so busy this past week.

this was the worst week ever. i dont even know when im going to have the time to do the things i said i would do. so, i understand. just know that im going to be persistent.

and thats good. it will make me more aware of what i need to take care of. sometimes, i think i need a personal assistant. i overbooked myself for lunch with two different friends today because it slipped my mind.

it happens.

you know, you being sweet and understanding is really endearing. i like it. its funny, the other night, it was a bit late, and i wanted to say good night to you, but i figured you didnt want to talk to me, so i didnt end up calling.

so, how about next time, you call me and find out instead of just answering for me?

youre right. i will...next time.

see, this is crazy for me. im so wildly attracted to you, and i dont even know you.

maybe you need to go out more.

i went out last night, and nothing.

nothing?

nope.

very interesting, yeah?

here are some problems: i have an issue about his age, one. two, the man/boy just moved here, and hes bunking with his married cousin and her family, so he has no privacy to do some...getting to know me. and he sure as hell aint coming to my house. he has an annoying way of throwing a tantrum, three. four, hes very defensive. which may explain three. five, im not healed yet from the scar from w.

w is not to blame for anything. he was an amazing man when we shared time together, and i dont blame him for his actions. but i wish that for one second that he could forgive me, and we could have a more evolved relationship.

okay, its official, the man/boy is pushing my buttons for sport, and now, im about to push back. but he does this maddening thing when he sees me pissed...he apologizes.

im just giving you a hard time, he tells me.

yeah, but it makes me crazy.

you like it.

no, i dont.

yeah, you do.

no, you like it because you think it will make for better...

conversation?

yes...

im having dinner with dines tonite. i have my reasons why, such as to see if she really is much calmer than she was before and to see if our friendship can be salvaged.

shes made an epiphany about her personality, and i want to confirm the validity of it.

this boy/man is going to make it big in his career. i know it.

and im glad to know him. not that its going to lead anywhere...but still.

i want w.

i want to have that connection and that amazing sex with him again.

should know better

its starting. well, it started. last night, in fact. or was it the night before? yeah, the night before.

this young lad, while so hot, is such a...child. a baby. complete with the tantrums.

the first time we talked, he was kind of rigid, but he warmed up a bit, and then it was fun. we got off the phone, and he sent me this: your voice...damn...uh, im going to go and you know...

i sent: me, too...

he sent: maybe i should call you back and listen to you.

and so, he did. it was fun, but i feel no attraction to him or chemistry between us. it pretty sucks. not that i expected there to be, but still.

im trying to keep my distance so that he will eventually understand and get tired of waiting, just like with a. because im still a chicken shit with confrontation.

and because im not interested anymore. i never was, even though it could have been fun and low maintenance, but i feel deep down that it will be too much work and not enough payoff.

oh, ive said that before. about the photographer who i fell in love with based on his playfulness, his work, and his wit. we talked once, this man and i, and i loved it.

he was so seductive, and i was taken. i mean, the man could have told me to do anything and everything, and for a moment, i would have thrown my life aside if he said to. because the man was just absolutely sexy and beautiful. inside and out.

there was one little problem. he was married. and he never wanted to talk about his wife. she was off topic. he never mentioned her, except for once when he said he was married. i was always curious, and because i was never told the truth, i made the truth up in my mind.

he was in the navy, but he went to a school in new york for photography, and he quickly became accomplished. he worked free lance for some magazines, and i loved his work.

i told him so, and he acted as if he was surprised. he mentioned we should meet, and i said yes, that i would drive to san diego to meet him in some public place.

a public place? you make me feel like im going to commit a crime against you, he protested.

but i needed that. i needed for it to be somewhere with people around because quite frankly, he was so fucking hot, i would have molested him.

he was so delicious. oh, dear God, he was so...

i dont know what happened between our amazing hot conversations and this one night when i told him, youre too much work and not enough payoff.

he said, pay close attention because in about ten seconds, you will find out what it means to be blocked.

and i was. instantly. blocked from his messenger, from everything.

i was devastated. absolutely shocked and hurt. i spent a month trying to get him to respond to me, and he wouldnt.

one night, he did, though. told my ass off, said that i hurt him, and he felt demolished by my words because i thought he was boring. when i tried to explain, he wouldnt hear of it.

he was done with me. and i was deflated.

we talked again, though, when he gave me a chance to explain my side. he listened sweetly, didnt interrupt, didnt ask for clarification. just listened to me patiently.

and when i finished, he said good bye.

forever.

plenty of free time while a bit buzzed on a monday night

1. what is your relationship status?



2. who is your celebrity crush?



AND



just because they are both so delicious!

3. who is your favorite band?



but really...just one?

4. what is your favorite movie?



5. what kind of pets do you have?



theyre for the kid because once, he wanted brothers and sisters, and i had to convince him otherwise...

6. where do you live?



well, somewhere in there anyway.

7. where do you work?



but really, id like to work here:



8. what do you look like?



not exactly, but my kid plays the violin, so i thought this was kind of cute.

9. what do you drive?



10. whats your favorite tv show?



or whatever catches my attention at the moment.

11. describe yourself.



12. whats your name?



13. whats your favorite candy?



but id rather have...



if you want to do your own photo meme, go to photobucket.com and type in your answers on the search line. copy and paste your image.

i think the boy is pissed off at me. didnt take long, did it?

it was the mojito at 430 this p.m. i swear it was...

once, with the other

i meet addi and roca today, and the immediate sense of being there once with the other hit me hard. it is, of course, the sense of bad that excites me now...and then.

you see, he called me on a friday almost a year and a half ago, and he tells me then when i answer, do you know who this is?

no, im sorry. the number isnt familiar.

its me. c.

ah, c. how did you get my number?

you gave it to me, remember?

hhhmmm...oh, yes, i did.

about two weeks ago.

he tells me that he doesnt usually call women right away when he gets their numbers. he usually waits the two weeks.

it isnt as if i was waiting. i was too involved with another man anyway, with whom i was in awe.

we talk for almost 45 minutes, and i wonder why he called. and then, i remember. it was because i was to introduce him to marba.

curiously, she is never introduced in the conversation. we end the conversation when i tell him i have to meet the man.

call me if it isnt too late, he says.

i will, but its going to be late.

call me anyway.

i spend time with the man, and of course, in the course of the night, we fuck so deliciously, and i fall asleep until my son calls to tell me he is on his way home.

i leave his place, and on my drive, i call the other. he doesnt answer because its almost 130 in the a.m., but i leave a message.

the next day, while i was having lunch with elaro, the other calls me, and i answer with a smile.

ill be in your area before i pick up my daughters. will you be free for lunch? he asks.

uh, ive had lunch, but ill meet you. how about applebees?

yes, perfect. okay, then will you massage my hands?

of course.

i arrive late, partly because im nervous, mostly because im tired. when i see him, i look away like a little girl.

he orders a pasta dish, and i an iced tea. when he gets his plate, he offers me a bite. he places the fork close to my lips, but i decline.

its good, he teases.

im sure it is, but im full. really. i had a late breakfast.

we talk about all sorts of things, but im not comfortable at all. im a bit bewildered at my carnal attraction for him, and i try to suppress it.

he finishes up, and i ask him if he has to go. he says he has time.

would you like a massage? he casually wonders.

oh, yes...id be yours forever.

have a seat.

he takes my hand and slowly kneads it. he isnt too hard or too soft, and i find myself relaxing with every push.

you have to stop making that noise, he tells me.

im sorry, im not intentionally doing it, but it feels so good there. mmmm....

see, im reacting to you. ill have to stop.

okay, i understand.

but i dont want to. you just cant ooohhh-ing and aaahhh-ing. its kind of turning me on.

im sorry, really. ill stop.

i can imagine you in bed.

i pull away. i dont want him to see me that way. its not right. but its so mildly arousing.

my boyfriends in the car, i tell him when he asks if he can walk me to my car.

really?

yes. hes waiting for me to get done with this.

are you done with this?

pretty much. i came for a massage, and i got it. thank you.

are you serious? is he really in the car, your boyfriend?

yes. no, of course not. i dont have a boyfriend.

thats not what i heard?

oh, really? whats the word on the street?

i dont know. you tell me.

i just did. well, thanks for this. its good to see you.

i hug him, and he kisses me on the cheek. it is simple, but the touch is filled with electricity, and i turn away fast.

i drive away, and he calls me to ask me for directions on how to get to the freeway.

a few weeks later, i sleep with him.

a few months later, he tells the man of it.

that night, the man tells me to fuck off and never contact him again.

a bit of play

i know, i know, dont lecture me.

its all innocent, really, and its starting off with the understanding that honesty will always be revered no matter what.

and so far, its worked. so far meaning the last thirty six hours or so.

hes young, but hes a lawyer, and the old me would have scoffed at such a career, but i find it somewhat amusing.

hes so hot...man, so hot, but im confused as to why he is still single. perhaps its because hes only been in the city for a month, having moved from his hometown somewhere in the midwest after living in san diego for a few years, after having completed his jd at a school in jersey and working in the city...new york city, that is.

he engages me in this little spats, which is getting tiresome. i dont want to be rushed to do anything, but he keeps at it, and ive had to tell him to stop. the good thing? he responds. the bad thing? he does it again.

this is the part when i retreat or run...depending on the situation.

truth be told, i want to enjoy him, but he has this weird thing about being committed right away to someone. uh, no, thanks.

because hes just a boy. really. 28? so yummy, but i want a man. a man. i specifically stated 35 - 41, but in his sweetness, he just said hi.

okay. im leaving now to pick up my boy and then get drinks with roca. then when i get home, im going to be doing some yoga.

oh, yeah, stretching...ive needed it.

parched and needs quenching

i am thirsty for so many things, and i do not know where to start.

there are too many thoughts going through my head, too much activity that i need to attend to them to quiet them down.

because i guess i havent been facing some things, but just merely suppressing them, and now, well, theyre revolting.

i need a change. simply put, i need to change not because im bored, but because my life calls for it. if i say i want to be in a relationship, then i must let go of certain hurts and people and patterns...even if it hurts. if i say i want to be in another school district by august, then i must look at them and apply...no matter if they are hiring. if i say i want to be a better manager of my finances and my home, then i must begin now...and not wait for some miracle.

spiritually, today i felt a void, and i cant figure out what it is. i looked around at mass, and i felt so empty. i felt like the joy of easter, the very happiness of forgiveness and rejoicing a new life were intangible even though i was amongst worshipers and love.

emotionally, i feel a vacancy, and i do not know why i still think about him, even though its been months. and i can easily replace him, just pick someone and work on it...but i dont have the stomach for it.

in terms of friends, im very glad to be rid of the negative energy ive been surrounded by for too long, and im making new ones as well as refining my older friendships. this makes me so happy, but time is a factor.

speaking of time, i no longer mark it on minutes or hours or days or weeks. its futile, no? i mean, my celibacy is in its eighth month because thats how long its been since ive had any face to face contact with w. tv shows or radio programs tell me when im running late, or when its time to take my boy to his practice, or when i need to get ready for the day.

since my fucking cable has been out, almost a month now, i have no way of telling the time, especially in the morning, except when the recap of the headlines signal that its almost time for us to leave the house...or for me to wake up, depending on the day.

i forget men or boys ive spoken to because there is nothing about them to remember, except maybe for g who could have been an amazing replication of november. they sounded alike, and it really annoyed me sometimes.

you know what melts me? a man who is confident, and confident enough to let his guard down with me. i havent met a soul like that for awhile, and im thirsty for it.

and eye candy. i need me some eye candy. like the ones with shoulder length dark brown/black hair, eyes that pull you deeply in, and skin thats like alabaster, but not as delicate. thats the look i crave.

and then on the other end of the spectrum, i find men who are bald or who have really hair cut short to the scalp sexy, too.

but its the eyes that draw me, really. and theres a way i look into a mans eyes, not so directly, but just a tilt to the head, so in a way, i wont be sucked in so quickly.

i love that.

i miss the voice of the wonderful w. the richness, the way it conveyed emotions and thoughts that his words couldnt do sometimes. the man lives so much in his head, and i could never have entered that sacred domain.

today was oddly difficult because i kept thinking of him. i dont know why, there were no triggers at all. well, my aunts house reminds me of the time we were flirting by text the sunday before his birthday, and i wanted to go over there and give him his present early.

but that was so long ago, and i cant imagine that being the reason i missed him. i am faking it until i make it through this time. because im tiring of it. why does he demand so much of my thoughts?

i keep reminding myself that its best to leave this alone because we both knew it wasnt going to last, and then i ask myself why do i feel like he was the last one i want to be with for awhile?

but this is how its supposed to be. really. i know this. deep down, i know this, i welcome it, i acknowledge it. but you know, my heart opposes it, but my mind wont do anything about it.

why doesnt it feel like ive moved on? because i have. i resist all temptation to contact him, except for some odd reasons far and few in between. i battle with my thoughts about allowing him in.

this is the one of the hardest times ive gone through with a man. fuck. i was vain in thinking i wouldnt be affected, yet here i am, so changed for the better, and so grateful for it.

i know what i have to do. im fucking stalling, and im sick of it.

too much and not enough

have you ever gone through that? its my life right now, but the problem is that i dont know what i have or feel or desire that i have too much or not enough of.

im tiring of this attempt at being single, but secretly, i love being so. i look at my boy, and my heart tells me i need to be with him now.

ive got to put myself and my needs on hold because the kid is really perceptive, and even though we fight and get into arguments, i think he wants me...and he likes me home.

its just as well. i mean, i havent met anyone, and i dont want to jump into something, so ill just wait. yes, its a bit...lonely, but in the end, im so good.

im giving myself some respite from all things men and emotions and sex. why? just because ive got to. ive come upon this decision in effort to get to know myself again, but differently this time.

this time, i have to acknowledge that i dont view sex in the same light as before. i have more respect for it, rather than believing its a physical act.

with w, it was so connected and passionate and a communion of sorts. all the time, every time. i guess when someone touches you in that way, you naturally cant leave him behind even though hes gone.

yes, i messed up royally in a way i havent done in such a long time. so fucked up, and i dont expect pardon, but i do beg for forgiveness, deserving forgiveness because i am truly sorry.

the act that stabbed him isnt to blame, its with who. it was a betrayal, and i cannot believe that i am the person who was capable of it.

why do i write of this now? because i need to let it go.

this is just an initial step...i have many to take before i climb this mountain.

i so truly am amazed by him, and if ever i am blessed to share a moment in time with a man whose soul resembles his, i will not take it forgranted, or push it away.

i hold no hope in my heart for him ever coming back or for him wanting me back, but it doesnt matter anymore. this is how its supposed to be, he was in my life for one blip in the radar, and he wasnt meant to stay any longer.

cognitively, i understand that, but emotionally, i dont want to accept it. its a stubbornness that is found in me when i want to do something that is contrary to the universes rule. its so maddening, the only word i can use to describe it, to question something that is truth.

but i have to, you know? i loved him, and i have to exhaust every bit of feeling because if i dont, ill take it with me to the next relationship.

and i sure as hell dont want to do that.

*****
last night, in class, we were talking about music, and im going to get exposed to a lot of different ones im sure. i love the people in my class, except jaris wife who is so annoying.

oh, i took some great shots that im going to print for the girl i took it of.

once i master this control, ill be able to get my photography in flames.

and this is one of my new addictions. so sexy...

missing: mojo

well, not really, im just not interested in anyone right now.

im testing the waters, but i cant seem to go along with it.

its all good. i love staying home on saturday nights anyway.

and happy easter!

confessions

about working at gusd: i love it so. i love it so, and i dont want to go back to my tiny little office. i want to stay there, make lots of money, take it easy in terms of days. i want to hang out with this newly discovered culture, expand my horizons.

but yet, i think ill always be an lausd girl at heart, and i pray to God for a position at the new high school in dtla across from the cathedral, down the street from igra, and amongst the energy.

about photography: i told mlh that i didnt know what the hell i was doing.

what dont you understand? she asked.

everything. aperture, shutter, depth of field...everything.

youre using the vocabulary, so you understand a lot of things. let me see your contact sheet.

i handed it to her.

you have some really good shots again, she said.

thanks. i try, but i need to understand more.

look at these two. compare them. you have it down...just practice.

i think i will.

thats what it takes so that it will become second nature to you.

i love what im doing. i love the shots i took today, and some came out while others were so blah.

some of the kids there make me laugh, and this one guy who takes care of us flirts with me.

about men: i havent met anyone now for such a long time, and i like it that way. ive found im connected to my body and my mind when it comes to sex, so it makes it challenging for me to just fuck the way ive done in the past.

damn w. damn him because it was only supposed to be with him that i feel this way, but truly, ive become this way now. this is how i am.

and i want to flirt again, want the attention because it makes me feel sexy. and i know i wont take anyone home with me, but the attention is so sweet.

its been awhile, though, so lets see.

about fatigue: i miss feeling like falling down as soon as i get home from a long day.

i want to be tired from marathon fucking. i want to be spent from many orgasms. i want to lie in his arms, in the arms of w, and just rest.

infliction

last night, i was once again tossing and turning until like two in the am or something crazy like that, and so today found me feeling blah.

the red haired boy and i exchanged more texts, and when i asked him what he was doing up so late, he sent off this cryptic word: vampire.

my, how things have changed. i was the one, if my poor memory serves me, who was the vampire, who hated to rise for an eight am class that he always wanted us to take, who loved the nights and the fog and the seduction of it all.

he and i had a nickname for each other that is so silly and means nothing to anyone except us, and he referred to his son with our nickname. so sweet.

before you think crazy thoughts, let me just make it clear: nothing is going on. he lives in cholo vista (he calls it that, not me), and hes pretty settled on being a dad. i bet any minute now, im going to find out his wife is preggers or that theyre trying to have another one.

or not. i dont know.

theres this heaviness in my system right now, and it pulls me down for no reason other than i let it. this is a period of impending change, and i want it so.

i need a change. i need new friends who share the same love of the arts as i do.

i need inspiration. im tired of searching for it. i just want to finally find it.

my lethargy commands me to read the words of a man that i love...paolo coelho.

see ya.

saccharin sweet

via text from the red haired boy, just now: i bless the rope, however long, that keeps us tied together forever.

my response: thats beautiful. did you make it up?

him: of course. youre fast. were you staring at your phone all day waiting for a message from me?

me: of course i was...dont you know?

let me tell you what happened a few years ago, almost four, to be exact.

he and i had been calling each other every few days or so. once, he called me when he was at the padres game alone because his wife didnt want to go. we talked until the game started, and then the next time we spoke, he told me that he would be in town for a convention and asked if i wanted to get together.

i said that it would be fun to hang out in dtla, and he should let me know when. we made intricate plans...well, not me. he did. i guess its because he would be alone with me, and he thought something might go on.

i told him that i loved his friendship so much, and i didnt feel comfortable if there might be a possibility of fooling around. lets face it, its bad for the karma, yeah?

the month he was supposed to breeze in came and went, and we didnt end up seeing each other. which was just as well.

cool.

we didnt talk until one night, on my way to paralit, i thought id call him to tell him how excited i was about a boy named igra who was so unavailable because he had a girlfriend but was a crush of my life at the current moment.

well, i wanted to tell him all that, but he cut me off. told me not to call him after a certain time because his wife wouldnt understand, and i lost it.

i was so hurt because i felt as if we were cheating, when in reality, there were no feelings or even thoughts like that when it came to him because we were just deep friends.

i hated that he made it seem so dirty, that when i called him, it was as if i was plotting to fuck him, but at the time, i needed a friend.

thats all i need from him, his friendship.

he has a beautiful boy, red haired like his daddy, and i could never be a homewrecker or have a fling with him.

the married men ive slept with before understood the deal: i didnt want anything more than nsa sex, and i especially wouldnt have them if they left their wives because guess what? they did it to those women, they would do it to me.

and besides, the red haired boy was too precious for me to treat so callously in a physical way, and i couldnt and wouldnt.

i cheated on him, you know? cheated on him several times, and each time, he forgave me.

when i met the boys father, the red haired boy wanted to have a fling, but i declined. when he asked why, i told him it was because i truly loved the boys father and would never cheat on him.

of course, the red haired boy was hurt. but i had to be truthful and true to my heart.

there were times in the past twenty years that ive known the red haired boy when the danger of fooling around after we had broken up existed, but really, i cant.

i wont.

there are no reasons or excuses that would justify that. i love him, but i dont love him like that. not anymore.

i did, so long ago, i did, and i miss him sometimes. but only in the way that one might miss good times and a love that seemed like a dream.

he was my first love, and as far as im concerned, he will always be loved.

and thats how it should remain.

this is harmless, but i know theres some tension and a need to stay away from each other.

on his part.

good and bad

i love where i am doing my hours, and i love jija because he is so lax. he said that if i want to leave early, i can and not worry about the hours.

fucking cool, yeah?

because the thing is...i dont want to do this at all for free. but im in such a fortunate situation because technically, im not doing this for free. in fact, im getting paid while im off track, and when i go back in a few weeks, ill be getting paid z time.

so, im very blessed with this program, and jija keeps hinting that he would like for me to work there. not that he has any pull. but just the thought warms me.

i love the parents that ive been meeting. i love their strength and their family love and their willingness to do anything for their children.

it makes me want to do the same for my child. my son needs to do some work, and i dont want to push him, but im going to. i need to. the exbf was so good at reinforcing my rules, but i havent been doing a great job with that since he left.

but im ready now to make some good changes. im going to cook again, and i spent lots of cash at costco buying food and stuff.

and i realize that this boy needs me to be home and to be available to him, so i cant make meeting a man my priority.

which is hard, especially when i need...sex. yeah, love, too, but that takes times. and i need sex now. with w. im crazy about this, but i hold no hope. really. i promise.

*****
i look at the books on the shelf, and i realize that most of them are the exbfs. books were so important to him,
his books, and i dont want to get rid of them because some of the titles are really good.

like dorothy parker. shes an amazingly sassy woman, and i love her. he loved her, too, first. and he used to read her poems to me.

and kurt vonnegut. the boy has to read those stories because this author has a way with words.

today, i bought a paolo coelho book, and i cant wait to delve into it. i need to incorporate this in my daily life because i dont read as often as i should.

*****
ive grown bored and tired of igra. i havent talked to him for awhile, but just the idea of him makes me frustrated. no, thats not true. he is an awesome man, but right now, hes busy.

i want him to be busy, but hopefully, he will slow it down. not that i want him to slow it down for me. he and i are just friends, friends because we have gone through so much, but still just friends.

and not that weve really gone through so much. but we were there for good talks. really good talks.

but thats enough. no more than that enough. just perfect enough.

because really, hes not for me and im not for him. man, im so bold and egotistical thinking that i know the future, yeah?

yeah. its fact based, easy to predict thinking. nothing to rationalize or analyze or simplify. it just is.

and for now, im glad to just be.

*****
im feeling very serene lately because im not at work. its kind of cool and at the same time, foreign. it takes me so long to unwind after work, and i feel im going to have to drink to settle down.

mariav told me some things that broke my heart, but ive known it to be true. its pretty sad, and i wish i could doubt her words, but shes got this powerful gift.

funny thing is that she says i have the gift, too, but im too afraid to use it.

shes right.

God bless her.

*****
and im going to do dove loves wedding pictures, if she wants me to, for $1000. shes on a tight budget, and its a palanca for her.

i wonder if ill take anyone to her wedding. probably not. ill be working, and its just a bummer to hang with me when im in photographer mode.

i know this. the boy hates when im in this mode, and he has to hang around.

you know, i wonder how mr. jones is doing. i hope he got some cool jobs because he said he would have to move out if he didnt get some projects soon.

he said he wanted to partner up with a photographer/wife, and i almost choked.

because thats so not me.

and it isnt as if he proposed, thank goodness.

but i know if i do this wedding photography, its going to get crazy, and i have to figure out how to market myself for small, intimate weddings.

maybe thats my target population: under 100 people, few hours, on a budget.

lets see where the path leads me.

awesomeness

i loved today alot. i had five parent conferences with the most awesome of people from a culture i never thought i would come to love.

the last mother i spoke with was just plain amazing and inspirational, and i told her so. i mean, we spoke the same language.

and jija keeps saying how he wishes i could stay. but i think ive made a decision for better or worse: i think im going to stay in lausd.

shit, yeah?

but heres the thing: i really want to work in the new high school downtown, and i spoke with the head of the counselors, and although she didnt know yet the person who will be the administrative team, i felt encouraged by our conversation.

is this a good move? who knows? but im going to just follow the path thats laid in front of me.

*****
walked the rose bowl with hanga, her brother w (yeah, i know...i almost passed out when i heard his name), and jemu. we talked about friendships, and i told them about the ending of one.

hanga was going through the same thing lately, and i told her about the awesome book i was reading and how it has really helped me to let go without anger and without resentment.

dont get me wrong. i agonized over this. turned it around in my mind, slept on it, breathed it...all before i came to the conclusion that i just cannot have dines in my life anymore, regardless of our history, of how we were there to help each other out in times of desperate need, of how we were friends.

i dont take my friendships forgranted ever. i try as hard as i can to preserve them, to maintain them, to cultivate them. as i do with relationships as well.

but when there is a crack in the foundation, my tendency is to ignore symptoms, or to blame myself, or to retreat. just walk away for awhile to think, to meditate, to just be.

and when i come back, if its not working, then i dont stay.

i know the part i play, though, and that is i dont address my needs. i learned that lesson the hard way with w, and i promise myself that the next time im in a situation, i will truly be more open and more mature about it.

so, after we finish that talk, hangu said, so, i was watching a show the other day, and i thought about you. there was a group of people who hated their jobs, so they quit, and they found the job of their dreams.

oh, wow, i read a book about that. it really influenced me to go for a masters and get out of the hell hole i was in.

really?

yup.

well, i thought that since you were bitching about your job...

yeah, about that. i love what i do, but i dont love the people i work with. im going to stay, i think.

awesome!

then, jemu said, m, my sister was an engineer, and then she got pregnant, and when she was at home, all she did was quilt. now, shes selling quilt patterns and making money of it.

i love creative people, i said.

you are very creative.

thank you. it means much. someone told me that im the only one stopping myself.

its true.

okay. i dont need a big thump on my head to hear what people are saying.

by june, im going to work on this. im going to call people to see how i can start up my own business of taking pictures.

then im going to buy a better computer, a better camera, a better printer, a program to work on the pictures (although i hate to do that), and dedicate space in my home to work on this.

im going to give it three years.

but im still going to be a counselor. hopefully, at the new school downtown.

and my home in a loft close by.

it was truly a beautiful day.

ah, spring

while i do many things in extremes, and i have the battle scars and other reminders to prove this, i actually love mildness.

this is especially true when it comes to weather. my favorite seasons are the fall and the spring. theres magic in these times, magic as in falling in love, snuggling, and just general happiness.

not that im in love or am falling in love with a person. but i am in love with so many things like my job, myself, my friends, discovering this city (but im not in love with the city), the snow capped mountains that i see in the distance, the sky after it has rained, my son, names, and ideas from books and other places i read.

in love.

im enamored with the pictures ive taken and opportunities to become better and venture out in other areas that have caused me fear in the past.

in love.

im charmed by the people walking or riding around the rose bowl, with their dogs and babies, with the soccer players who are too far into the grassy field to make a clear picture of, with the shadows on the pavement, with the houses on the hills that are so divine.

in love.

and i wait to be bewitched again by the sound of a voice when he says my name, by the feel of his hands in my hair, by the deep gaze of his eyes that will beckon me to him instantly, by the taste of his breath in the middle of the night, and by the smell of my scent on his lovely being.

i wait for that patiently. because i wont rush the next one, nor will i take it casually. unless its meant to be just a casual fling.

however, i highly doubt that will happen. w has really engaged me in a way of seeing fucking as making love, and to be honest, while im grateful to him, im also a bit frustrated.

sexually.

its been 8 months with no one in sight...no one meaning no one im attracted to or interested in. and its been a bit of a bother.

really. i feel as if i have blinders on, and im sorry, but i havent seen anyone who i would mildly be wet for. no tingles. no butterflies. no goosebumps. nothing.

and ive tried. earlier on, right after he dumped my ass, i tried. and it just got tiresome after awhile to pretend, to feign interest or anything.

i told roca tonite that this was the first time in a long time where there was no one in my life. no man. and its a bit freeing.

but today, there was an ache for a familiar lover. it was odd because i havent felt that for a long time...or wait, let me explain. i miss w every single day. i miss the very essence of him, but i didnt miss the feeling of confusion and of needing to flee from him.

if i ache for him, its for his kiss as well as his energy. i want to so much be enveloped in his loft, under his blankets, in his bed. i want to hide in his arms, in his chest, in his cock.

i want him. and today, i was hungry for him. and its something i havent felt for a long time, this deep, rich need to go to him.

but i wont. i cant. ive promised myself to respect his privacy and to honor his request to never contact him again.

because he means it. and he is strong in his convictions.

i wont win.

la tortura

i started today at gusd again, and just sitting there made me realize how much of a torture it would be for me to have nothing to do.

but i had some things to do like schedule twenty parent conferences in the next week and a half. thats better than sitting around, waiting for the seconds to pass by mercilessly.

and i saw dines. she looks awful because shes sick. im so done with her. really, this time, i cant go back. my stomach turns at the thought of hanging out with her again. and shes got a man, i think. which is good, and id be glad if she did.

in other news, im doing so well today. the weather is amazingly gorgeous and crisp, and i feel great. im going for a walk in a few minutes with roca around the rose bowl.

last night, i took her to royal claytons, and we were going to go to a hookah bar, but we were both a bit tired since we got stoned before we left, and then we drank some great ass beer called great white.

now that the weather is better, i need to go back to my project, and this time, i need to really put the effort and complete it once and for all.

completion of tasks. that would be excellent. i cannot wait until im done with this counseling program so that i can start doing other things, like photography and web design.

yeah, im going to look into that. it would be so awesome to put up my own damned web site because im a bit particular of what i want.

my dove love is getting married in november to a boy i think is so sweet and cute, and i offered to do their engagement pictures. she then asked if i would do her wedding.

of course, fear kind of took over, and i made all sorts of excuses. its the ego, i know. but the truth is this: i want to do this because its for her, and because im doing it out of love (and money...im charging $1500, ive decided), it will be so perfect.

its going to be big...200 people, she said, and im scared. nerves, you know? but its all good, im excited, and im hoping to buy my camera before then.

i just have to figure out where to get the cash. oh, wait, in july, i get a raise (like it will really help...everything has gotten more expensive, and its frustrating), and then in august, ill be done paying for this one thing, and ill have $700 back.

you remember what i want, yeah? just in case, this is my wet dream.

okay, im going to go now before i salivate and do something impulsive like buy it right now.

im just crazy like that.

aight, y'all. go outside and revel in the beauty of mother natures smile.

restless

i cant seem to sleep fitfully at night, and my naps during the day are interrupted.

im wondering if im suffering through some anxiety right now because of the cocktail mix of sadness from boys, endings of friendships, and agony over body image.

but im not the only one, it seems, to have insomnia. people i read on the web and friends in real life tell me of their misery, and i cant help but share mine as well.

i feel better emotionally today, and not just because its a glorious day. and not just because the boy and i attended mass at st. joes, and i saw my search buddies. and not just because im going to finally hang out with roca.

i think its because last night, ive made a decision to let go of the idea of w and igra. just let it go and set it free to see what happens.

im tired of holding on to things that serve me no purpose anymore...things, ideas, emotions, hopes. really.

sure, ill be plagued with loneliness for w, and ill miss igra, but i have to confront the fact that the idea of these two men prevent me from going forward.

they are both such lovely, lovely men, strong and smart, and in the case of w, very sexy. well, im sure igra is sexy, too, but i cant seem to get past the friendship factor and the history of what we had.

i mean, i bring it up often how search really cemented a history between us, and how it has solidified a friendship that we revisit time and time again.

as a matter of fact, i cannot go to st. joes without missing him because of associations to the grounds and the time we put in there.

i dont want to let go of memories, but the hope that goes with the memories is what could be potentially destructive to me.

and w. ah, w. the incredibly sexy and yummy w. if i saw him again under any pretense other than bumping into him accidentally somewhere, if he invited me over to his place for anything, i would crumble and be reduced to that person i was when i was with him, and not the good one, either.

hes my temptation, and i would be seduced by a look from him alone. its best that he remains stalwart at not ever contacting me.

im not strong when it comes to him. i want to be, i tried, but i always failed.

i say im ready for a man in my life, but the truth is that im so not. even pangs of loneliness wont move me to start anything up, to meet anyone.

but i will, you know. i will meet someone, but i just dont see it right now. i havent been out in a social way, havent been inclined to communicate with anyone, even though lately, the little boy a has emailed me again. hes pretty annoying because he tries to flirt and fails miserably.

if i had a fuck buddy, like oh, lets say luro or d, and luro really only because of his amazing tongue dance, and d because of his over the top sexiness...id be good.

but heres a secret. if the winds change and somehow, w wanted to reconcile because hes forgiven me, and if he wanted to resume our situation but with something deeper and defined, then i wouldnt want no booty calls from no one.

itll never happen, but a girl can dream, cant she?

one saturday night, a few weeks ago

[note: first, i think i was supposed to meet igra tonite at a park where he coaches a youth volleyball team, but here i am, all showered and comfy, sitting in front of my computer, writing.

its all good, you know. its a strange saturday night with the weather, and my spirit needs a bit of calm and stillness. we can try again next week, if he wants. and if he doesnt want, its alright.

second, ive got to stop this silliness about w. really. i mean, come on, yeah? hes a really awesome person, but hes done with me, and i have to respect and honor that. its a bit difficult, and im so stubborn about it, but i give up. truly. for real this time.

third, this is a chronicle of what happened one saturday, a few weeks ago...with igra.]

*****
i hadnt heard from him all day, so i just stayed in bed, lounging in and out of sleep that ive needed since the past weeks were so hectic and full of busyness.

i was watching a cheesy movie about dancers, when my phone rang.

m? he asked.

hey, igra. how are you?

im well. are we still on for tonite?

yep, but im running late, can i call you back in a bit?

yes, call me.

i got up quickly and rushed into the shower. i emerged refreshed, relaxed, and invigorated.

when i called him, he answered in a really deep voice, hello, m.

hello. can we make it around 8? i had some things to take care of earlier, and im running behind.

of course. the later the better.

no, ill be done soon, and ill be by at 8.

should we meet there, or do you want to come down here?

can i pick you up?

yeah, that would be good. call me when you get off the freeway, and ill come down. im in a new building now off of grand. by the moca, in the water court building.

oh, i know where that is. okay, let me finish, and ill call you.

okay, m. ill be waiting.

when i got there, he was waiting for me, and i couldnt help but laugh at his outfit. hes usually in a suit and tie, so when i saw him in shorts, a white long sleeved tee, and a baseball cap, i giggled.

wow, the benefits of working on the weekends when no one is around.

yeah, i know, huh?

he directed me down grand and left on sixth and when we passed by a building, he said, i have a friend who lives in those lofts. i was over there last night. you have to meet him. hes great, and his loft is awesome. if you like him, you can go back.

huh? are you trying to set me up with your friend?

what? no...i just meant, if you guys hit it off, you can hang out over there.

okay, never mind. so, where are we going anyway?

its my favorite place. i love it.

cool. ive never been there before.

its pretty hip, but not as hip as the edison.

oh, i heard about that place, and im not impressed. its not my cup of tea.

when you can, make a right, its off of this one street, but i cant remember the name.

i turned on small street and found this, and i had to go around the block because the restaurant was down a one way street, across from here.

i found a parking space, and we go in to the restaurant. i immediately felt so urban and at home, and my spirit felt a sense of peace. its in the urban jungles that i feel most myself.

royal claytons is a tavern with a small area for a pool table apart from another area for dining and a bar. our waitress was a pretty little thing with a tattoo over her right breast.

we ordered salads, and a stella for me and something for him.

while we were waiting, we were looking out the window, and we saw some interestingly dressed groups pass by. i told him that there was some underground club somewhere around.

we talked about so many things, and when i told him about taking the boy snowboarding, but the boy declined my invitation, he said, id love to do that. its been so long since ive done anything fun like that.

you should come with us.

yeah, that would be fun.

we should also look at lofts one weekend.

that would be so cool. ive wanted to do that.

then lets figure out a time.

conversation was smooth, and i held his attention when i told him how i conquered loneliness. i told him of the time with the red haired boy, and while i still feel lonely at times, i know i can survive it and not allow it to debilitate me.

time flew. he was yawning so much that i asked, do i bore you?

no. today was a crazy day. i woke up and got a smog check, then went to aaa to get my tags. thanks for that advice, by the way.

youre welcome.

then, i went home and hung out for awhile before coming in to work. once i got into your car, i became so relaxed. you have such great energy.

thank you. you do, too. its late. should we get going?

yeah, lets. i wanted to go to my friends loft tonite, but im tired. and you dont have your camera. you should bring it next time so you can take some night shots.

yeah, i will. i brought you something.

i gave him some goodies in a film canister because ive heard thats how you keep it fresh.

i drove him back to his car, and we sat for a little while talking. we can never seem to just say bye. theres always something to say before parting.

he is so awesome, but i know that we are just friends. good friends. friends with similar interests, some history, and just a great connection.

but we are damaged still, and i dont think that we can help each other.

who knows?

i certainly dont.

oh so grateful

i had lunch with the girls and carfi at the hell hole today, and i got too lazy to go to class. that, in itself, was a bummer, but i learned something of a lesson today.

i learned that my life is so much more amazing by the day, and i am so thankful that i am no longer at that place.

carfi went off on why he was against the whole idea of homosexuality (but hes fine with lesbianism), and then he called me a lesbian and said i was very open sexually. then he made a joke with jlb about me writing a novel about my sexual escapades.

it was all very funny, and carfi was getting a bit too chummy. but i know he will never try anything because one, im not his type, two, hes not my type, and three, hes a bit intimidated by me sexually.

hes admitted this before, so im not really surprised.

i need to get me some. really. im kind of getting sick of this celibacy business, and i blame the wonderful w for shaping my thoughts on this subject thereby changing me for the better.

then, gui came in and told me and gaya some good chisme about the fuckers at that place. i was a bit saddened to hear that poor mmf is no longer in the group, but not one bit surprised.

so many things came to light, pitiful traits in some people and the ugliness of how entitlement and titles really work.

shameful.

and dear God, i thank You for taking me out of the place and for letting me meet some awesome people who love me and want me to succeed.

thank You.

before i complain again, ill have to remember how wonderful i have it at work.

i want w.

dammit.

wishlist

where is that magic lamp with the genie?

wheres that four-leaf clover?

wheres my sugar daddy? just kidding on this one.

wheres santa?

this is what would make my toes curl because, lets face it, there hasnt been a man lately.

my new love.

if being a pro is what i want to do on the side, then i would surely need this.

stillness

the week has flown by, especially since i slept for two of the five days. ive needed it, you know? my insomnia gets bad when i have time off, but thats because im naturally a night owl.

i loved the night, still do, except my job prevents me from staying up late. when i was in college, i studied and wrote papers when the moon was out, and i was barely functioning during the sunlight hours.

it was frustrating to try to sleep when there was a loud buzz from hairdryers, slamming doors to the bathroom, dropping of plates in the sink.

and im sure ive ruined sleep with the noise from the tv or from late night guests.

ah, glory days.

last night, i knew i had to rest because the night before, i slept for only two hours.

i love sleep. i wish i could sleep for days without losing those precious hours. if i were a stay at home mom (which will NEVER happen because i wont be at home), i wouldnt feel as if i were squandering my time if i slept in.

the other night when igra and i were talking, the subject of kids came up when i told him that men who father kids after 40 have a higher chance of producing autistic kids.

he said, should i wait until im 41 then?

he also mentioned that he freaked himself out because one day, he felt the pang of being a father, but he knows hes so not ready for something like that because he doesnt want to give up his life as it currently stands.

he said that he didnt realize that his baby clock has started ticking.

i remained quiet. and then i became very analytical. because talks of babies kind of scare me.

and then this silly thing happened. i started thinking about timing. if he wasnt ready yet to be married, but lets say he would be ready in 3 years and for some intervention from God, he and i somehow fell in love and married, then would i have his child?

shit.

see, i dont want anymore kids. really. im good with them on an hourly basis, but for a lifetime?

ive done well with the one i have, and it was sweet of igra to acknowledge that, but i dont know if i could go through all the baby stuff again.

dont get me wrong. ive fantasized about it, especially when shopping for baby clothes and items to give as gifts. ive wanted to feel pregnant again, especially when i see some beautiful bellies of glowing women.

ive craved to hold a baby in my arms and to feel its breath and watch its tinyness wiggle around, and ive searched my heart to discover if i want to be a mother to a newborn again.

and the bottom line is this: it would have to be with a man who could provide for us financially and emotionally, and my mother would have to live with us, and my sister would have to be involved, too.

because i cant do it again the way i did it with my boy (who, by the way, decided not to go out with that girl today...and i feel kind of bad about it, but i know in the long run, this is the right decision). i cant do it solo with the checkups, the emergency room trips, the discipline, the work.

and if i met a man who wanted to have kids, and if he wanted to marry me and have a family with me, then that would be a decision that i would have to weigh alone.

do i want igra? no, not in this form. he has things to get over and get through and get out of his system.

oh, we were talking about how beautiful its been lately, and he said, if you want, we can go hiking in the mountains of santa monica. i know a really great place if youll let me take you.

sweetness. then he ruins it with, my ex and i hiked those trails. she was the one who introduced me to it.

it was an innocent remark.

but still.

i should really tell you how he came into my life.

for now, im going to take a little reading break.

or nap.

whichever.

and just like that

it was a glorious day really, even after only two hours of sleep because insomnia has once again visited me.

i dropped the boy off at school, headed off to the most unhealthy of places to get my favorite obsession coffee, came home, and read. and wrote. i wrote in my lovely smelling leather journal.

i set my alarm, and i got up without snoozing, looked up the directions to the huntington, and got all dolled up. i drove to the aaa office and told them i needed to renew my membership.

i was greeted by this guy, who asked, are you here for me?

uh, im here for whoever can help me renew my membership.

uh, is that me?

it could be you, i suppose.

did you use to work at the hell hole?

yes.

its me...alro.

oh, right! hi, how are you? can you help me?

yes, let me just finish up.

okay, i didnt remember him. he didnt look familiar at all. when he finished with the person before me, he took me into his little cubicle.

wow, a grown up job, i said.

yeah. i keep trying to remember why i hung out in your classroom.

it was because you had a crush on me.

yup, thats it.

no, im kidding.

no, youre right.

whatever. you hung out in my classroom because i had air conditioning. thats why people stopped by.

so, i guess i wasnt special?

well...

i so wish i could remember him, but his face didnt seem familiar because he had gained weight.

when we finished up, he told me he was going to be a father in a month. we said good bye, and i headed off.

i bought a membership and was planning all the days i can hang out there. i knew i wouldnt cover what i wanted to cover in one day, so thats why i forked over money i really cant afford to spend right now.

my first stop was the lovely new addition, and i was not disappointed. i took so many shots of this peaceful land, and i even saw blc with a guy there. i think he saw me, too, but he didnt say hello or anything.

my pictures turned out really well, and im getting better so that i dont have to delete many shots at all. i stayed for about two hours, cutting through my favorite amazing spot (the japanese garden), and almost had a heart attack from all the hiking and rushing i did.

i watched blc and his friend walk in front of me to the parking lot, and i when i got to my car, i was so glad that it was march and that the weather was delightful.

i drove forty five minutes to see napa, and i told her that i had no desire to continue my friendship with dines. i asked her how to break up with a friend because it seems so odd.

she asked why i no longer wanted to be friends, and she seemed like she understood, but cautioned, you cant predict or analyze what a person does or feels. most of the time you will be wrong, so you can only concentrate on a sure thing, which is how you feel and how youll act.

shes so good, man. she never makes me feel intimidated or stupid the way sanva did. and for that, ill make the damned commute to see her.

it took me an hour and a half to get home, and i picked the boy up for dinner.

this is when things just turned on a dime.

he was acting like the little punk ass he could be. all this throughout dinner. i thought it was because i was being a bit sensitive, but then, he drops this, im going to hang out with a girl tomorrow after school.

and then i lost it.

my fears of mothering a teenager just slapped me in the face and all the food i ate wanted to get back on the plate.

ill admit this: i overreacted. i did. i hate that i did, but i did.

so now, we are angry and hurt with each other, and i cannot stand it.

whatever.

i just dont like not having reinforcement from his father during times like these. this is when i feel the weight of being a single mother. this is when i want to go back in time to when he was six years old and he loved me still.

this is when i want to call w and listen to an exchange between him and his little boy because it was sweet and innocent.

and this is what i need right now.

in love

i know i shouldnt hold out false feelings for objects, but man, i just cant resist some things.

igra was telling me how he would pay for a blow job (he was kidding, of course, and he only said it for shock value), and i said, see, this is why im poor. i dont take money for sex.

you will never be poor.

oh, yeah? you should see my bank account. b of a will tell you a different story.

you are rich because you have friends, and you laugh, and you make people laugh, and you can meet someone right away who will instantly want to be friends with you. you will never be poor because you have what some people cannot buy.

mmm...that was sweet. thank you.

but still.

i know that education will never make me rich unless i work like a whore or write a book or something, and im just not willing to invest that much time in this field.

however, if anything will make me some mad cash, im betting it will be my photography.

i need to buy some lenses, and soon, im going to upgrade my awesome d40x to a three to four thousand dollar d3. some day. thats if i ever turn pro, which i would not say no to.

really, though, i think i need a two thousand dollar d300.

this is such an expensive profession, i know, but still, theres so much to capture.

once i have my masters, im going to work at a community college and figure out a way to travel.

im so excited now, but id better try to sleep.

right.

tentative plans

i spoke with igra for three hours earlier, and in the end, i think he and i will only be friends. which makes my heart sing, and yet, i can be wrong.

i love that he takes care to make sure i know that he isnt sleeping around and that hes only meeting women as friends. i love it so.

on saturday nights, he coaches volleyball at a park a few miles from me, and he invited me to watch him do so. i told him that this saturday would be good because its one of the nights ill have free for awhile.

he said that thats where he is, and if i wanted to hang out, i should come down and watch, and then we could have dinner with the other coaches after.

cool, yeah?

we talked about so many things and laughed also, and i miss that sometimes.

he read my note, and he said he was going to write me back. that would be so awesome because one, i love his handwriting, and two, i love his words.

i dont think ill go to glendale until monday as planned, so tomorrow, im going to take pictures. where, i dont know yet. im thinking the huntington.

then on friday, ill hang out with gaya until my class starts, which should be so fun again.

talking with igra, i realize how busy my life is, but i dont want to be busy. i dont want to constantly be plagued with have tos and must dos again.

he said he has pangs of being a father, but not for a few years. wow. wow.

and earlier, i had an awesome conversation with mariav about my two boys, and as always, she gave me some great advice. some i didnt want to hear but knew that shes right.

i miss w. i miss his voice and his spirit and his hands and his complications.

but im letting go. i am.

i am.

the past three days

my home has been a bit tidier because of my 15-year-old love, and im so proud of him. he got into a cleaning spree, and i watched him in marvel because he would not stop moving. which was awesome and amazing.

ive been home the past 72 hours...well, home meaning not at work. i got sick last wednesday, and i held it together until sunday night when i finally had a chance to rest and rev up.

monday, i stayed in bed all day until i had to take the boy to orchestra practice. yesterday, i missed my napa session because of traffic and shit, but i spent the day with gaya and bumped into some cool peeps that i had missed.

gaya and i had a late dinner at ct, and jomo messaged me, im here, too...where are you?

i introduced him to gaya, and she confirmed my initial thought of his sexuality, but i dont really think he is. its all good. he and i had a worshipfest in front of his cute little friend and gaya.

today, i slept in again today after calling jija and telling him i was sick. he was so cool about it. he has the best calm spirit, and i love it. i wish to work with him forever, but hes going to retire soon, so ill just do the next four and a half weeks with him.

i miss my gold friends. i mean, im not really good at keeping in touch, at maintaining, so i have to be intentional about it, to be deliberate in calling or texting or emailing.

my problem is that my current job really takes my energy, and i have yet to discover a way to maintain a zen existence. i want to reorganize my little space, to have more of a peaceful way about it.

im going to buy some frames, and ill put my students work inside of it so that its not just taped to the wall. they deserve more than that, i believe.

i have to figure out what i want to do with my life.

dines emailed me last night, and i truly understand how hurt she is about my exit. i would be also, especially since i become so quiet and invisible without explanation. and its my manner, being an aquarian and all, to abruptly walk away from things and people.

unfortunately, ive been having a difficult time letting go of w, but im making a conscious decision to do so. i have to, you know?

im thinking of leaving this city and of living somewhere else. perhaps san francisco. its difficult to be torn because my family is here, and my friends are here, but my spirit is constrained here.

perhaps i avoided some serious long term connections with men in this city because deep down, i knew my feet had to roam.

when igra told me he was offered a job in san francisco, i almost died. he didnt take it, of course, but thats because of his own emotional issues.

it takes a leap of faith to jump, and i realize that its been so long since ive taken risks.

i need to get laid. really.

lets see what happens tonite when igra and i talk.

oh, and one last thing

its my brothers birthday.

thats one relationship that needs fixing.

happy 30th, dude!

off day

this was the first of a few days that i will be taking off for the next five weeks. i spent it sleeping until 5:30 p.m., mostly because i was sick, partly because i just needed to rest, and sadly because i was a bit off due to some weird longing for w or igra.

its really sick, i know.

update: igra called, and of course, i missed it because i have my phone on silent. his message was sweet or not. he was at a funeral or something, and he said he thought he told me, but he didnt. so, i left a message back with him telling him that im trying to get better and that weekends are better for talking because the weekdays are pretty packed with routine.

so.

i wonder if he read that letter i wrote for him? and if he did, i wonder how he will respond.

but first, i have to really close this up with w.

not that its been opened for the last eight months, but you know. i have to consciously let go now, and im ready. reluctant, but ready.

there is such sadness about him, and i pick it up, and i dont like it. im trying to welcome in positivity in my life, and while id like to help him, i dont think he wants me in his life.

do i blame him? of course not.

i will remember him as an amazing man who has such a gift and has magic, and i just really need for him to know this. will it change anything? no.

im feeling down today, my energy low. i wonder if its the herbal meds that i had last night, good stuff, light stuff, but still.

yesterday, i spent the day with brenfi for our monthly simple sunday, and we walked into an awesome store called bliss unlimited and spoke with an amazing woman. the store is a coop, run by students who named the store and is learning how to run it. they promote peace, and i felt the good vibe there.

like ive mentioned before, there are so many things swirling around my head, so many things i need to get out, like the saturday night dinner i spent with igra and the next saturday i spent with him at a competition; the 15enera this past saturday; the need to leave this city; the need to leave poly in june; the wonderful students ive come to know and love; photography.

i love my class. i love developing my prints, and im getting the hang of it. i should post some of my stuff here, but what i really must do is set up a website. im serious about being a photographer. something greater than me is pulling me in this direction, gently leading me to this other world.

i need to do this, i know. i need to move towards the creative field, no matter how competetive and frustrating it is. somehow, i feel that this is the right path.

my soul is cold right now, a bit lonely for a touch, and ive got to lift the self-imposed ban on human contact. im different from the person who screwed over someone i loved and still love, different in thought and action. ive grown, and ive repented, and now, its time.

time to shine again, to love without abandon for the first time, without letting fear get the best of me.

its time.

how many more books can i read? how many more therapy sessions can i have? how many more girly talks and written affirmations can i have if i dont see what theyve done to help me?

im ready now to run to the edge again and fly.

it excites me to think about who will be the next one i share my skin with. really. because i feel like it may be igra. but thats for something when the timing and settings are right.

im in no rush, believe me. i like raising this kid alone, even if its really challenging at times, it makes me feel so proud and so wonderfully doing something right.

we still get into our disagreements...loud ones, too, with some cursing and some bitter words...but in the end, im so glad that its me and him alone.

and its painfully lonely sometimes, ill admit. when im tired or when hes sick, of course i wish there was some strong man in our lives. but weve been so lucky. so very lucky.

life has been very good to me so far. i love that song quote.

anyway.

time to rest. but id like to get a bit of reading done before i finally sleep.

slow down

the past week has been a blur, and i really need a break. i caught a bug on wednesday, and ive been trying to kill it with man made drugs as opposed to the herbal meds i like.

i wish i can tell you all thats happened, but its too much to organize and analyze right now.

but know this: i cannot begin to describe how photography has become my salvation and my outlet, my need and my desire, my truth and my definition.

class has been great, and last night, my professor took a look at my proof sheet and said, everything is exposed perfectly, and youve got some beautiful shots.

i developed one print, which turned out amazingly beautiful with the contrast and details and focus just right.

thats one thing im learning about life and photography: its all about the timing and the settings. im always trying to get the perfect shot and the perfect man. but so far, no man yet.

i need to get under my sheets now. ive been waiting all day to cuddle up to the new love of my life...shutterbug. its my sisters christmas gift to me, but i just got it today.

there are so many places i want to go and many people i want to meet.

i do want to absorb life and be swallowed by it...so ive decided to leave poly in june. no matter what.

which is too bad because i love the people there, except those i need to work closely with.

today, i took pictures of g.los nieces 15enera, and when i left, he said, you did a good deed today.

hes so cool, man. and i love talking to him. i think we have a good jibe, and his little girl is so cute, except shes kind of boogery all the time.

anyway.

ive got to rest up now.

oh, i dont have to go back to my cage until april 14th. ill be at gusd for four and a half weeks. wish me luck. i need to figure out where im going to be. not that im holding out hope because of the budget cuts, but lets see where God places me next.

tomorrow, the boy and i are going to mananitas.

peace.

closure

it had been awhile since my heart skipped a beat when i saw his name on my text message folder. it had been awhile since i held my breath for his response.

and the beauty and sadness of it all is this: i dont want to go back to that lifestyle, to that me i was when we were in each others lives, to the compromise of myself and himself because we were too afraid of what might be.

i love you, w.

because i do. he is an amazing, strong man, one that will not easily escape from memory.

i havent slept with a man for almost eight months now, and it is very intentional.

its probably the most deliberate thing in my life right now, something i designed and calculated.

he has somehow silenced the impulsivity in me, for which i am grateful.

and im stronger now, every day becoming steeled and self-protective, becoming wiser and more open to learning, becoming happier and more peaceful.

its an evolution that takes place at the most opportune times.

and dear God, i love the silence.

life teachers

met up with distev today to be interviewed for her dissertation. she is an amazing source of strength and validation for me, and i am so glad our paths crossed.

i told her about the outcast loser, and i asked for her opinion. she said, just the fact that you are willing to address any area on your part makes you humble and open. it isnt about you, though.

and i know this. i know that the outcast loser is really a bit strange and emotionally unbalanced. she stalked yjc months after he did not return any of her calls.

but whatever. i feel sorry for her, you know? she will always be a little lonely and a lot crazy. but she wont get in my way.

i cannot wait to go back to gusd. i dont want to see dines, but its fine. ill just avoid her and not let her be negative around me.

after meeting with distev, the boy and i went downtown and passed all the hubbub to get to some of the lofts. it was very claustrophobic seeing all the shops and the shoppers and the garbage. but the energy? amazing.

of course, we passed by the little restaurant on the corner where igra and i had dinner. its such a nice little space, and i wanted to check out the biscuit company lofts.

the boy, however, refused. again. it scares him, i know, this urban jungle, and it bothers me. he acts as if hes been raised in the suburbs, and ive fought so hard against this. i hate the suburbs and the whole mentality that if a house or a block isnt like its cookie cutter counterpart, then it must be bad.

snobbish.

i love the city and all the grime and the energy and the excitement and bustle that comes with it. la isnt my favorite, but it will do for now because for now, this is where we live.

but im thinking of leaving once the boy is in college. i have to do something, really do something for me because this life of mine doesnt belong to me.

it belongs to my son.

and its hard to suppress impulses of taking off.

did i tell you? carlo is riding his harley across the country to new orleans for an art education conference.

i so envy his freedom. oh, and then hes going to peru and bolivia for three weeks. fucking a.

i love being on a track system, but i crave for the same vacation time as my son. and when my one hundred and sixty hours are completed, then my off track time is mine.

this is when ill take more classes, have more fun, travel.

hopefully with someone amazing.