in the wake of the betrayal

what i am faced with is this: he and she, a friend who is clearly desperate and psychologically ill, have been together for a week now.

neither of these cowards had the decency to tell me to my face, but that is expected.

i have always asserted that he was brought into my life by God, and because ive learned the lessons i needed from him, God has taken him away.

this is a relief. he is so much less than what i deserve but was willing to stay for.

and she? well, the thing is i pray her children never discover the woman she is...and that her daughter never suffer the same fate.

i wake up in the middle of the night, giggling to myself because i know her...and i know him. and together? well, karma is a bitch.

i love the signs that God gave me to prepare: i accidentally deleted the text messages from when we first got together, and i lost all data from my computer. i knew in my heart that there was a reason, and now, its been made clear.

if youre wondering how i am, im fine. still hurting, unable to sleep or eat, and trying to survive. but all in all, i am fine.

its my sons 17th birthday, and we are going to san diego for the weekend. i have support of my friends and i feel as if ive forgotten them already. i made way for two people, two men, who just make me feel like the person i really am: sexy, desirable, and amazing.

i dont want to list down the things wrong with him, but lets just say, the next man i meet, i will be proud of, i will sleep knowing that he is who he says he is, instead of some sad old man who doesnt know himself. and he wasnt that great in bed, so guess what? its not that big of a loss.

i did learn this from him: to accept generosity. to stretch my heart. to love again. because in the greater context of things, this was really all about me, all for me, and these lessons i needed so desperately to learn.

and so, im closing this blog because its tired and old, but you may find me in another one.

quickie


the rains have stopped, but my intuition is strong: the gray skies and the foreboding clouds and the stillness outside my window tell me that this is just the calm before a storm.

we are soaked, and i love it. the rain makes everything smell cleaner and fresher. i cannot wait to see what sprouts up from the ground.

~*~*~

we talked last night. i can hear the silence more than the words, which arent much.

i can feel the coldness, even though i was covered in layers of blankets, and he messaged, sometimes u cant get rid of the cold. it just lingers in every part of u.

and i believe he feels it as well.

im meeting lines in an hour or so, and i know im going to hear it from her.

she asked me, why isnt he good enough for you?

because i dont believe in happily ever after. which hurts me because he does. and i want to, i really want to.

i want his conviction to be strong because i have doubts and i have fears.

who doesnt, i know.

~*~*~

tomorrow, the boy will hang with his father until after the memorial service for his great grandfather on saturday.

tatty will come with me when the boys father picks him up at a halfway mark. hes doing it because i asked.

because hes become my best friend.

happy


its raining now, the worst of the storm is drenching my little pocket of southern cal, and i want to go out, but i think today is perfect to just stay in.

tatty and i just didnt work out, and im going to accept it. when i told dbm yesterday during our session, she gasped audibly.

oh, dear. what happened? you were so happy.

we were. but my issues are resurfacing, and i dont want to put him through this.

its been hell.

you know...the next day is the worst day in this cycle, when i just feel like ive made a mistake or when i feel hope that this could be corrected.

and the thing is...it cant.

hes shut me off, and ive got to accept it. this is the best thing right now. i have to focus on school soon, and im going to leave this city.

im scared, but its an adventure. one step at a time.

~*~*~

so, where i am now in my space is this: im happy.

of course i miss him, miss the calling him, miss being held by him.

but i know that it wasnt right.

dbm asked me yesterday if i was bored with him or afraid that we are getting closer.

and he asked me what happened from the day before to the next day, and if i had to be honest, i panicked.

anapi and i were looking at rings online, and i just got freaked. it was too real.

and i thought that no one deserves to be with someone who is scared of relationships.

im happy.

even though right now im not, the overall condition of my being is happiness.

and peace.

well, its a constant striving.

yoga tomorrow.

so cannot wait.

90999


my amazing, beautiful church has an outreach called mission haiti. it is beautiful to see when the members of this upper middle class parish come together year after year to support the children and the priest who has dedicated his life to feeding and educating these children of the slums of cite du soleil.

the first year of the campaign was to solicit school supplies. thats all. a few pens, pencils, paper...things that my students take forgranted because they can always get them so cheaply from discount stores or from teachers or from counselors. while i believe in giving to the needy, i disagree when the needy become greedy or wasteful. but thats for another time.

consequent years saw a growth of donations for mission haiti. soon, hearts opened up with cleaning supplies; building supplies; gently used bikes, sewing machines; school supplies, including backpacks; kitchen supplies for feeding the students; and bracelets made by the students of the church's school.

the mission haiti committee brought back stories and pictures, and on mission haiti sundays, a video is shown and no one can keep a dry eye. money collected on these sundays have turned a four room school into several schools. each room houses four classes.

what strikes me is how beautiful and happy the people of haiti are. oh, i know that there are gangs and slums and poverty and stench, but the light in their eyes shine so brightly. their conditions cannot extinguish that flame of hope.

and so now, the people of haiti are in such need. and what moves me to tears is how finally, finally this little islands time has come. so much money and so much human help is descending upon the country. what i prayed for for the past two mornings is for the holy spirit to cover those who are still in the rumble and those who are hungry and those who are helping them out. and in my prayers, i thank God for making haiti this worlds singular focus.

so, forget about this fucking idiots words, but he has a point: this is a blessing in disguise. just stop listening after you hear these words because when he starts talking about making a pact with the devil, you just want to do unkind things to this fucker.

so, heres the blessing. if you text haiti to the number above, which is the title of this post, $10 will be donated through the american red cross via the cell phone bill. this is so easy. and its a bit addictive.

the first day of this tragedy, i felt so helpless. i wanted to do something, to be of service.

i still do, but sometimes, the best thing to do is to allow those who can really do something to just. do. it.

they need food. they need water. they need shelter. those are basics. how often do we take these forgranted? ill be the first to tell you, i do. i remember only when my hot water doesnt heat up fast enough. i remember only when im hungry and am too lazy to make something. i remember only when i havent been home all day, and i miss my sanctuary.

i cannot fathom having these taken away. so i pledge for this year to only get what i need. no more extra because its on sale or that i might need it. if i dont need it, i wont get it. this is my pledge.

im going to gather the excess in this house and donate.

i need to make room.

tatty is moving in.

ah, love

hes been so amazing really, so sweet, so lovefilled, so tender, and i trust how much he loves me.

and because of his love, my heart is overflowing with love, too.

so when i came upon this video through one of the blogs, i read, i was simply floored.

enjoy...love is all we need.

catching up


im tired. i got three hours of sleep last night because i was obsessed with my 365 project with shel and jado. this was stupid because today is the first day of the new mester, and i am tired.

tatty has my car and is driving to hollywood to see if he can find a booth. lately, hes been talking about opening his own shop...well, no. to be accurate, he brought it up once, and i bring it up constantly. the man thought of a name already, thought of what he needs, and he just has to believe in his dream to make it a reality.

hes been different lately. ive had to stop him and ask whats going on with him.

ive finally gotten my act together about us, he said.

oh?

yeah.

what do you mean?

i know what i want now, and im going to go for it.

and so, this is the part that ive rewritten.

in the past, i wouldve just allowed fear to dictate how far and how fast i ran, but with him...

with him, my feet are planted.

~*~*~

the picture above is self-explanatory. i love this city and this bridge.

i cannot wait until i get there again.

010110


there is an air of newness, of freshness, of tingling, of looking forward and ahead, of possibilities, of saying good bye, and of saying hello.

i feel as if the last decade didnt even exist, that ive forgotten...or perhaps, let go...of all the hurts from the years past.

and no, i havent forgotten them. how could i? they shaped who i am today, and for that, im grateful.

~*~*~

the past six years, i went to bed early on new years eve, except for one year that i spent at a party with dines and her cute cousin nick. i have a superstition that if i welcome the new year with craziness, then the year will be filled with craziness, and my spirit couldnt take that.

last night, however, tatty and i went to see avatar in 3d imax, and when the cashier asked for $33, the price of two tickets of admission, i almost fainted.

i turned to tatty, and i said, god, baby, i didnt think it was going to be this expensive.

i knew it was going to cost some money. i checked it out online when you asked me if i wanted to watch it. the average price is $21, but this is in imax and in 3d.

yeah, but this is extravagant.

listen. this cost is nothing compared to spending time with you.

so, we went in, got our uncomfortable and ugly glasses, and sat down. the movie started at 10:45, and during the first part, he kept checking his watch for midnight.

every so often, we looked at each other and smiled, and sometimes, we laughed at how ridiculous we looked.

i love this man.

~*~*~

normally, i would make a list of resolutions, but this year, ive decided to make resoulutions. i love that word, and i dont really know if it exists or not, but its mine, and this is what im going to do.

every month, im going to choose something id like to work on for the month, and eventually infuse in my life. i havent thought of twelve resoulutions, but two that i would like to address for this month and next are these: choosing and intuition.

in the month of january, i will be mindful of the choices i make.

in the month of february, i will be mindful of my intuition.

lets see how this goes.

tomorrow, im off to photograph the floats. this morning, i could not bear to watch the rose parade since i was a bit groggy from falling asleep at four.

heres to a wonderful new year.

~*~*~

the picture above was a picture of the bed in the hotel in san diego where tatty and i stayed.

i love the sexiness of it, not because of what went on hours before i took the picture, but because theres something about white rumpled bedsheets that turn me on.

its also the picture on my project 365 thats up on flickr.