breathtaking

we had been fucking for awhile, almost 45 minutes. really, im not used to this length of time. im more the quick and dirty type of woman, yet with him, i dont get bored.

bored , you repeat. yes, bored. in. bed. naked. getting fucked. in the past, ive fallen asleep (with the french, hot, sexy man bobo), made a oh-shit-i-have-to-do-this-tomorrow list (with too many to count), and pretended i was with some other, any other, besides the one i was with (not on numerous occasions, but there were times...).

but with willal, i dont have the opportunity to get bored because i tell you, sex is amazing with him. so far.

we had been fucking for awhile, and he pulls out of me, my legs still on his shoulders. i instinctively reach between my legs after licking my fingers, and i find my clit, and i start to rub. he grabs his cock, and he masturbates.

im looking at him intensely as he takes my toes in his mouth. we are fucking ourselves in front of each other, and this amazing thing happens.

he cums on my pussy and my fingers the same time im cumming on my fingers. i wish i knew what happened next, but i think i blank out.

i blank out. sometimes i have this tendency.

i do remember holding him close to me, his juices dripping from my pussy onto the sheets, my juices mixed with his, and...

...blank.

blankety blank blank.

a few words

my presentation is due tomorrow, and i have to still finish it up. its fucking maddening that i wait until the last minute to do everything - and i mean, errythang - that ive decided to stop doing it.

in fact, im thinking hard about my resolutions, and i think one of them will definitely be to straighten up my crooked path. this isnt to say that im crooked or that im living a crooked life, but there are things that need to be addressed and taken care of. im sick of procrastinating, of putting things behind. i have to do something.

willal tells me yesterday that he tells his boss about the sheriff department coming closer and closer to his door. there is a twinge in me that makes me feel there is something going on, but im wrong. im just being so insecure and jealous, and i realize that there is no need to be.

calo and i intend to meet this afternoon, but divine intervention keeps us from doing so. and im glad because i really want to try to make it work with willal. and even if it doesnt work, i want to not walk a crooked path.

but calo is so attentive that i find it to be so seductive. willal is sleeping now, his son with him tonite. which is a good thing, i know. i love that the little one is there, that he grounds his father because sometimes, this is more than necessary.

i think calo and i will end up being just friends in the long run anyway. willal is my choice. always has been, always will be. and this choice is so right, but is so hard. i guess i need to step it up.

my friend is very suggestive with me today. so flirtatious when there is another man in the room, but such a pussy when its just me and him. pussy. i strongly dislike them.

well, im going to go to bed for a little while before i start my paper. ill work on it for an hour, then get up again and start the presentation.

this should be good.

stress

yesterday at search, my energy is low even though igra is there with me, and we spend most of our time together. hell, we spend all of our time together.

i just dont feel it, you know. i feel a spiritual emptiness, a distance from the community. that could be me. i dont make the time to be social because quite honestly, im not there.

i love search. i love being there and seeing my friends, but sometimes, im tired, and i need my rest.

after search, i call willal, and we talk about our day, and i can hear it immediately in his voice how stressed he is. he says his son just left, but he forgot his video so he has to bring it back for him. i ask him his plans for the evening, and he says he wants to watch a movie. he invites me to go.

we meet at 7:30 pm at the theatre. he is bundled up in a pea coat, while i wear a mini skirt, black thigh high boots and a thin brown denim jacket. im freezing my ass off. he buys the tickets for deja vu, and we go inside.

i love this person. maybe its the fascination of someone new, or maybe hes someone i can never have, or maybe its just me allowing myself to feel. i love him. perhaps not the kind of love that will last for eternity because eternity is a long ass time, but for now, it is wonderful.

after the movie, he walks me to my car, and i hug him and kiss that area that makes him weak. he says, charlie called me while we were at the movie, and we are going to get a few beers and hang out over there.

really?

yeah, his house is small, and its a dump, but lets go over there.

why dont you just have him over your place?

because i dont know how long hes going to stay, and i dont want him there too late.

well, how about you invite him tomorrow, and tonite, we can play.

play?

yeah, play. talk about the movie, hold each other, spend time with each other.

okay, lets go back to the house then.

baby, where are you?

huh? what do you mean?

youre not here with me.

you can tell, huh?

yes. are you stressed?

a little. work. have to let them know my plan. and i may be ostracized if things dont go through.

baby, you are a strong person, and every decision you make is right. even if you fuck up, its right.

well, at least i tried. i have to think about all the possible options and scenerios, and i have a back up plan if the original plan doesnt work.

ah, youre a plan b er.

always.

we go back to the loft, and on the way there, i get a text message from calo: i just retrieved my phone from my sister.

my response: ive used the i just retrieved my phone from my sister excuse numerous times myself.

the more im with willal, the more i respond to him and to him alone. this whole calo thing was really stupid, and while i dont regret the decision to do it, i regret the fallout from it.

it is excellent with calo, but he isnt willal. and if this thing continues with willal, i wont cheat on him. ever. EVER. EEEEVVVVEEEERRRR (think the sandlot, if youre familiar with the childrens movie). and i wont see calo again. he really has fooled me into believing he is something quality. but i think hes wise to not contact me. hes actually saving us all from evil.

everythings gonna be all right

last night, igra and i meet for coffee. well, to be more accurate, for tea - iced for me and hot for him.

he calls me yesterday afternoon, and he drops this bomb on me: his girlfriend of six years has asked him to move out. she has issues to deal with, and she wants to do it alone.

so, after much counsel and a bit of laughter, he and i make plans to meet up later on that night.

he is awesome. so smart and funny, sexual and spiritual, focused and scattered. and he talks to me in a way that makes me think and grow and see different perspectives.

pauba tells me on wednesday, igra is making me upset.

why? what did he do?

why cant he break up with his girlfriend already and realize hes in love with you?

with me? no!!! he has a girlfriend. i love him, but hes unavailable.

but i see it when i see you together. i see the way you both are.

we are friends.

well, i wish something would happen that you guys will end up together. maybe God is preparing you for each other right now.

we never know. but i do love him. hes awesome.

so, i dont know. he reached out to me. his family doesnt know, but i think he will tell them today. im going to see him in a few minutes at search.

Gods will be done.

because His plan is better than what any of us can come up with.

in the words of the great reggae master bob marley: one love, one life, lets get together and be all right. everythings gonna be all right.

all right.

endings and beginnings

i do not feel good about the activities of the last week, and when i finally confess my sins, i know i will feel better, but for now, i like keeping my secret in my heart.

its done now with calo. my attempts at communication have gone unanswered, but thats okay. because in the end, we have made our choices. and we both choose the same one. and he is lucky. but luckier still that he doesnt know.

i pray to God last night that my dear sweet willal never find out our indiscretions, not because i want to remain untainted in his eyes, but because i do not want him to feel excess pain from something that was an aberration from an otherwise glorious time.

i love willal. i love him as a person, the way i love calo. i love calo for making me laugh, for making me smile, for talking to me, and for being just the person he is. but he isnt willal, and willal isnt him.

in the prince of tides, there is a line that tom wingo narrates that i love. he says, but it is the mystery of life that sustains me now. i look to the north, and i wish again that there were two lives apportioned to every man - and every woman.

i wish i can have the luxury of being with both. each brings me a feeling of being at home in my skin with them. and it isnt at all physical. its about being sensual and sexual and being a woman.

but calo is done. and i will miss him tremendously. just need to laugh with him, talk to him, smile at him without it being sexual. thats what i want.

last night with willal was incredible. such sweetness and attentiveness and overall caring. on both of our parts. we are getting closer, and i love lounging in it. the sex is so much more amazing the more we get to know each other.

i know i have to stop my madness of not wanting to be with him. he tells me today, no pressure...just time in response to my need to know him and trust him and for him to know and trust me. its all we both have really. i dont know why i need to all of a sudden move on a fast track. its because its all i know.

but this man is different. hes not to be rushed, and in turn, he teaches me patience. its so sexy, if you must know.

sinning, once

i see him a few feet away. it had been a long time. i had wanted him for so long. inexplicable want, need to feel him against me, in me. regardless.

i go to him, and i take him in my arms and kiss him. i think this surprises him, but for me, it is premeditated. i cannot help but give in to the need to find his tongue with mine, to grind against his cock with my mound, to tell him what ive wanted all along: lets go to your place.

he tells me my smile is beautiful, as he did before, and i begin to believe it. i separate who i am when i am with him, knowing that this may be a one-time thing, and it would be okay.

we drive, and he finds my hand and holds it. i ask him to teach me to drive stick, how and when to move between gears. i put my hand on the stick shift, and he puts his over mine, and he tells me what to do.

we are at a stop light, and i look at him, and he winks at me, and i move to kiss him. we are travelling now, and i am excited, and yet, the thought of another lingers in my mind.

he manuevers through traffic, and the conversation is light, fun, happy. i love this. and as i look out into the skyline, i point out the special building. he smiles at me, and he drives a little faster.

when we park, he opens the door for me the way exbf did, and we walk to his place. he grabs my hand, holds it in his, and he stops and hugs me.

he opens the gate, and he leads me up the stairs to his humble abode. he closes the door, and we let go. we kiss in the middle of the room, and he leads me to the couch. he sits down, and i straddle him. fully clothed.

i take off my boots, and i take off my pants, and when i am about to move over him again, my phone rings. it is jado, and i answer it because he is leaving for hawaii, and i know he is a bit nervous.

as i talk to jado, calo begins fingering me. it had been a long time since someone knew how to manuever in my nether region skillfully. a long time.

i get off the phone with jado, abruptly, before he realizes im grinding against calos fingers. when i hang up, i climb on top of calo. the size of his cock, and the anticipation, and the want for him overwhelm me, and i cum immediately.

i dismount, lie on my back, and he opens my legs with his and slips his thick cock in me. he is fucking me this way, taking my nipples in his mouth, and biting them. i cum again, and he pulls out and turns me over.

he enters me from behind, and i raise my hips so he can get in deeper. it feels so good to be so close to him, and when we both cum, he gets up to massage me.

he massages my feet, my legs, my back. i ask if i can hold him when he finishes, and he lies next to me. we caress each other, talk in low tones, and ask each other questions. the thing i love about calo is how easy it is to talk to him. this i will miss the most.

we start kissing again, and soon he is in me. intense this time. telling me how sexy i look from the light coming from the streets. asking me to smile for him. talking to me in spanish. its amazing.

soon, it is time to go, and he takes a quick shower. he comes out and turns up the reggae playing.

dance with me, he says.

we begin moving in rhythm, sexiness and fun.

we leave his place, walk out in the open, and he holds me from behind as we walk to his car. when we get to mine, he comes out and talks to me for awhile.

we should do this again, i say.

theres going to be a next time?

yes, i think so.

really?

yes.

yay!!! he claps his hands and smiles. im going to have to push you away now so i can leave.

okay, okay.

come on, ill walk you to your car.

then itll be my turn to push you away.

i get into my car and drive away. a minute later, he calls me, and we talk until he gets to his destination.

and thats the last time i see him.

what the fuck was i thinking?

well, the problem is that i wasnt thinking, which presents me this tremendous guilt for not feeling guilty about calo.

i adore calo. i simply love his personality, the way he made me laugh, asked me questions, was playful. all in the past tense. because he doesnt call me today, and i tried to contact him. three times. which is my quota.

i dont know what happens last night at calos sisters house with him, but im sure it made calo think hard and fast about me and about the sin we commit.

and he wont contact me anymore because he is consumed with guilt. and if he werent, i wouldnt adore him as much. we both make the same choice, and we both choose him.

today, i am ready to let them both go. i cant do this dividing my attention to two who are different yet i want them both. equally.

a series of text messages today between me and willal:

he: u r so confusing.

me: well, thats sweet of u, love. thank u. unfortunately, u rnt the 1st 2 tell me. but know this, sweet willal, it isnt intended. im sorry, darling...

he: u in or out? period.

me: all in. period.

he: 1 week from now i will get a text telling me i only hv time 4 sex...

me: what do you want of me? this is new. im gonna fuck up, so will u. its a risk. take it or dont. period. i have no guarantees, except 4 who i am. THIS IS WHO I AM.

he: i feel horrible as a man when u act like i m just using u.

me: im sorry, willal. we need 2 start getting 2 know each other. i dont want to fill in the blanks about u. i need 4 us to communicate and open up. trust each other.

he: u sexy pain in the ass.

me: yeah, but im YOUR pain the ass, my love.

*****
he asks me last night if ive been with another. i deny it.

i hope calo never brings it up.

ever.

a rule of thumb

never do anything that may warrant an invitation to the jerry springer show, maury povich show, the greg behrendt show, or oprah.

with that said, im putting the boys away for now.

last night was an intense discussion with willal, and i realize that i am just a fucked up person trying to be good but fucking up all the same.

so, as i stand now (or sit), i have to let go.

let go and let God.

and dont look back.

confirmed

calo calls me and tells me that it has been confirmed by willal that he and i have broken up.

then calo says he feels guilty when he asks why. i tell him not to feel guilty because it is between willal and me. he has nothing to do with it.

they are at calos sisters house tonite. i dont want willal to find out anything. i wont tell him ever. its too fucked up. i cant even explain it to myself.

but i know that when i talk to calo, i laugh. and i miss this more than anything.

i want to talk to willal face to face. tell him how im so sorry for misleading him and making him believe he is just a fuck. he is more than that. always has been. i havent acted with the best of intentions, and i know that i have to explain this to him.

how much he meant to me. how much he still MEANS to me.

confirmed.

the attitude of gratitude

another year of not spending thanksgiving with family, but there is so much to be grateful for still.

this year, i give thanks:

1. for family who love me no matter how i may act or not act.
2. for my son, even though he is entering a phase in his life where mood swings and bad attitude are the norm.
3. for the health and safety of my family and friends.
4. for what i have and what i will acquire.
5. for the choice to love, worship, and pray to God openly or privately, in my car or in my home, at church or at school.

6. for miracles and prayers that are answered and unanswered.
7. for a job that i have grown to love again.
8. for a new job that i am so excited to start in a few weeks.
9. for colleagues who believe in me and trust me.
10. for friends who are happier now with men and women in their lives.

11. for two men who are both so different but yet touch me equally.
12. for the boys at work who never fail to tell me that i walk with a strut when i wear my favorite boots.
13. for the impact of exbf, matts father, and the red-haired boy in my life after so many years.
14. for agape and eros.
15. for sex that is beautiful and amazing and continued.

16. for wishes and dreams.
17. for those who are protecting america and making sure that we wake up by the sound of our alarms and not the sounds of bombs or gunfire or screams of agony and fright.
18. for those who help every day those who cannot help themselves, but especially on this day.
19. for warm blankets and cable tv and good music and my new cell.
20. for my car, my camera, and yes, even for my dogs.

still

i can still feel calos hard cock inside of me, feel his chest on my back as he pounds me from behind. i can still feel his breath on my shoulders, hear his words as he is fucking me and saying something in spanish.

i can still remember how i lift my ass to let him get in deeper, how my muscles contract and open up for him. i can still smell him on me the way i smelled me on him last night.

and right now, i can still feel how my heart aches because in order to have one, i forsake another.

still, i know i have made a decision that is suitable for me at this moment in time. i hold no hopes for the longterm with calo. in fact, i think it would have been longer with willal, but still.

still. i still want willals warmth. nothing sexual, really, because what ive tasted last night was enough for me to keep going back to calo for physical enjoyment.

willal is still so amazing to me. still so sweet, and i want him. still. i want him in some capacity in my life. in the end, hes still the one ive always wanted.

calo, though, is here now. here. in my phone, in my ears, in my thoughts. but old habits, old feelings, old love die hard.

dont look back

i will miss certain things.

going to his loft. seeing the skyline from the parking lot. dialing his number to be buzzed in. taking the elevator. walking the steps to his door. him opening the door and letting me in.

kissing him hello. being in his arms. trying to figure out what is on his mind. fucking him. sleeping next to him. feeling his hand in my hair.

waking up and kissing him. dressing in his bathroom. going back to his bed to wake him up. cumming in the morning.

preparing to leave. unable to say goodbye. hugging him hard. closing the door behind me. going down the elevator.

driving away.

calo

how we meet is unimportant, although once i finally admit how, a reader or two will open their eyes wide and reread the sentence twice.

im not ready yet to reveal anything about him, except for this. the man makes me laugh. and he makes me cum. hard. fast. over and over. again.

while i love being with him, i feel like shit about a certain someone. i love this certain someone, love him and have tender memories of him, but its done.

i wish him luck, wish that someday he will want to talk to me again, that he will forgive me, forgive calo also for betraying him.

i wont allow calo to talk about him, never in a tone other than with love because he has never done anything to me or to him. he loves calo, in fact, and i believe he liked me, too. its hard now to fight the urge to say something to him, anything, but if i do, i know he will know.

but calo fills me. he makes me laugh, makes me feel wanted, makes me feel beautiful.

because i am. when i think about it, i am.

this bitch is getting on my nerves

rosie o'donnells ego is catching up with the rest of her body.

where she used to be funny and sweet (i loved that she had a crush on tom cruise, pre-scientology), now shes become...inflated. i watched her show, and i sympathized with her when tom selleck was an ass about the nra. however, i think she incurred his wrath. she pushed hard.

im taking sides here. i think kelly ripa is right. shes a bit much at times, but in this match, shes right. though i didnt see the controversial episode where clay aiken put his hand over her mouth, DAMN, IF I WOULDNT HAVE SAID THE SAME THING.

im a germaphobe, and proud of it. it all started years ago when i had no medical insurance or sick time incurred, so when i came down with an awful bout of some virus that kicked my ass and knocked me out for days, i had no choice but go to work ill.

ill.

i had parent conferences, and i was writing down the conference to the parents. i had to teach, and i was writing down the lesson on the board. i was ill...in a way id never been, and i vowed never to be as sick as that again.

so, i took precautions. still do now.

hands, although beautiful, are the dirtiest place on our body. theyre the quickest way to transmit illness, besides sex. so when i hold someones hand or shake it, i make sure those hands are clean, but if i know they arent, my hand doesnt go to my mouth or eyes or nose.

paranoid? yes. definitely. i hate being sick. im a bad patient. i cannot be incapacitated because i have a child who needs me.

so, fuck ro, and her stupid, ignorant comment about kelly being homophobic.

just like kramer from seinfeld and the stupid antics the other night at the laugh factory, she just lost respect.

and the way she treats her co-workers on national tv? shes up for some real bad karma, that rosie.

poor big girl.

barbara, control your pet, please.

when i fuck up

you will know. angels will herald my actions from the heavens while the demons open the gates for my arrival. its always big, you know, when i fuck up. im not small town. i tend to do this in grand fashion.

its pretty much done with willal. finally. finally. ive given him what i could, and i know hes done the same for me, but its just finished now.

hes a wonderful person, and if it were up to me, we would be friends. friends, you know, the way people are when they just connect and find a kinship in each other. i love him, love the way he is, though distant and closed. in my heart, i know he respected me, but he could never allow access to his world, and that is what really hurts.

but its all good. the last three months were amazing. the sex...incredible. it just isnt enough. not anymore. i hurt about this. i wanted him to try, and he did. i believe that. but somethings arent meant to be. accept it. move on. dont look back.

dont. look. back. no matter how great the view is back there, dont do it. shield your eyes, steel your hearts, and arm your mind.

dont.

look.

back.

hot and cold

fire and ice.

sun and moon.

top and bottom.

up and down.

ebb and flow.

mr. and mrs.

feminine and masculine.

hinder and help.

storm and calm.

pacify and disrupt.

gregarious and lazy.

fear and courage.

inhibition and strenghth.

laugh and cry.

please and thank you.

healing and suffering.

create and destroy.

love and indifference.

pleasure and pain.

inhale and exhale.

anxiety and peace.

rock and roll.

give and take.

freeze and burn.

now and later.

laughter and tears.

science and God.

him and primo.

one and none.

sinner and saint.

angels and demons.

power and weakness.

faith and destiny.

inevitable.

choices

he has always been my choice.

and he will be my choice until i meet him.

do you know he he is? he is the one.

he isnt ready yet, or im not, depending on the time frame.

he will free my heart and let me love him.

he will open windows and doors to our souls.

he will define love, and the evidence will be overwhelming.

he will be the adventure, the fun, the calm, the madness, the peace that i need.

and i will be his. there will be no other. no longing for another, no wanting another. no need for another.

all of this, this nonsense, these temptations, these extra people, even him, are just in preparation for him.

soon, i tell myself. soon.

guardian angel...and intuition

in the middle of dinner with him last night, i announce that i think my boy is with a girl. he laughs it off, says something about the boy being a stud, and then he asks me how i know.

i dont know. just a feeling came over me. not a vision, but a clarity.

really?

yes. theyre on a rollercoaster ride or something.

or making out.

thanks, baby.

he orders poseidon, and we watch it for awhile, but he falls asleep. the man has a long commute, longer when the lil one is with him, and i am so amazed by him. he does what he has to do and doesnt complain. we all do that, dont we? but i just stand back with him and watch.

we lie on the bed to watch the movie, and soon, he is making his sleeping noises. the boy calls to tell me they havent left the park yet, so i close my eyes and snuggle next to him.

he wakes up, and he wakes me up, but i tell him i have some time still before i leave. he lies back down and turns to his side, and he grabs my arm to put around him. i so love this, i think to myself.

earlier, he says to me, the very act of you turning off the lights is so...its been a long time since someone has done that for me.

wow. i understand.

and i do. i know that if i had let this go when i wanted, which was a few weeks into it, i would never know this person. not that i know him, i dont claim that, of course, but im getting to know him. and it is awesome.

on the way home to pick up the boy last night, around 1:30 in the a.m., im driving on the 10, and a feeling comes over me. its a real quick bristle, and i look out my window.

a white car, a volvo i think, comes so close to me, then swerves into another lane. this lane is a carpool lane, and its up on a hill, so i dont know if the car turns over. i know, i feel, i know my guardian angel saves me. i know this. i know that i could have been in something bad, but there is a protection over me, and i am so fucking happy.

i love my life. it isnt perfect, in fact, its a bit hectic and at times challenging, but there is no other cross id rather carry. i get lonely, especially on the weekends when i cant be with him, but its still so beautiful and wonderful.

this is my life. its a life worth living. and i have people who come and go, who leave a scar or a tattoo, who make me cry or make me laugh, who make me love or be indifferent, who love me or hate me, who help me or who i help.

i have experiences that humble me, that make me proud, vain, weak, strong, excited, bored. whatever it is, i will take it.

i am fortunate to have what i have. it isnt much, but to me, its enough for me to live well and comfortably. do i always feel this way? of course not. i tend to envy when i see a man and a woman with their child, when a man looks at a woman with love and honor, when a woman looks at a man with amazement, when a child loves his mother.

but i have all this. its just a matter of time. it will happen. i believe this because i believe in love. and love is God.

dare

what is it like to dare? dare to be different? dare to do something that is out of the usual comfort zone?

dare to dream. dare to do. dare to inspire. dare to love.

dare to love? in time. right now, its the preparation period. im preparing myself for whatever happens.

i wake up today to two messages. one from ant, the other from primo. primo and i talk for a long time this morning.

you scare me, he says. a part of that is kidding, but another part, i think is real.

why?

you just do.

i am a force to be reckoned with, but know this. i will fiercely protect my interests. other than that, im cool. i dont want to invade, and i certainly dont want to conquer.

really?

yes. what you see is what you get. i hate secrets.

ive heard that some people have secrets, some people tell secrets.

im no open book, but i also dont have much to hide.

i meet elaro for lunch, and during the meal, i get a call from willal checking up on me because of what happened last night. its been awhile since a man has done this, exbf is the last one, and it really makes me feel so good.

im going to get to know him. hes worth it.

i want his trust. i want his thoughts. i want his heart.

dare to work for someone.

a friday night alone

the boy is at knotts with his class, and here i am.

im waiting for willal to tell me whether or not hes free tonite, free to hang out with me until i have to pick up my boy.

i see him last night, after a week of not doing so. something heavy is weighing on my chest, and id rather talk to him about it than write it.

hes read my blog, and when i read it the other day, i feel consumed with shittiness. i cant even tell you how bad it was. i know that he didnt have permission to read it, and that i dont write for anyone else except myself, but still.

words hurt. he has only brought up my blog once, and i tell him to not do it. i write some pretty powerful stuff about him and against him, the truth and my perceptions about him, but the thing is that i dont write the truth always.

the truth is something that i dont easily confront. its what im learning to do now, after years of running from it. i am my own worst enemy, i sabotage my own happiness, and thank God that some boys were strong enough to put up with me.

this is what i want to do now. im all in, and i have to tell him that. i havent told him yet because of our limited interaction. and what does it mean to be all in? its what i have to find out.

i want to get to know him before i make a decision. so far, he seems like a wonderful person, but how do i know?

i dont trust myself. ive made so many mistakes.

*****
all is well now. the boy has a great time at knotts, and he is safely tucked in bed, sleeping from sheer exhaustion.

earlier, i receive a call from primo. there is something about him that i like instantly the first night we meet. i think he is different because he is drunk, but his resonance is wonderful.

i love that word, resonance. he comes up with it to replace the word energy, and i keep my wits about myself when we talk. there is a line that we must never cross in order not to kill his emotions. we both love him, so we must not hurt.

once, when primo meets me, he greets me with a kiss on the cheek. he grabs my face, smiles at me, and kisses me. it is at once erotic and dangerous. because from then on, i cannot look at him without feeling insanely aroused. he isnt my type, he isnt even a choice to be my type, but still.

i go to willal tonite. he fucks me for a long time, intensity high as always, but now there is a comfortableness between us. i feel it. i know it.

i tell him about a possible date with d tonite and how i cancel to be with him. d is so sweet. bought me some toys, he says. so understanding when i flake out. last night, i flake out to be with willal because it had been so long.

so when i tell him about d, he asks me, so were you going to do anything with this guy?

no. i wanted to be with you tonite, so im with you tonite. i want you.

okay.

you dont trust me. i dont know what else to do to earn it. i go to you when you want me. when i cant be with you, i stay home. and this isnt even about just you, its also about the little one. i dont know how else i can prove myself to earn your trust.

step by step.

i feel ill never earn it.

he holds me close. i feel like a shit. i want him, but its getting difficult. when i am with him, i am happy. when im not, i am frustrated. not always. sometimes, im disappointed but understanding. other times, im hurt and tired of the situation. at best, im content.

it isnt that i need to see him all the time. quality will always best quanitity. but i need some explanations. i need them. i need his story.

step by step.

in time, it will happen. we are just letting this story unfold.

timing sucks...

it has been a long week, and even longer since i had seen him. id given up hope because i do not know his schedule with lil one. its a point of frustration for me because its so random when they are together.

so, i receive an email from d asking if id like to go over there tonite. it had been since august that i had seen him. part of that is my fault because i cant bring myself to see him because of willal.

today, my friend comes over looking so casual in a white button down shirt and jeans, which is my favorite outfit on him. i didnt like so much the brown shoes, but the look was put together.

we talk about butter, how sex is animalistic (his word) when hes stoned and fucking, etc. i blush at this point, blush and look down and cover my face. and he likes it because he continues to go on about it.

he wants to go to the observatory tomorrow. i bet he flakes. hes so unreliable like that, and i fucking hate it. but he is getting bolder, more daring with me. perhaps its because he knows our time is limited since im leaving soon.

im going to willals tonite, and im not going to see d again. i just dont have the desire to be with anyone else. i become monogamous and loyal to someone if ive fucked them long enough. besides, i want to see what becomes of this.

am i betting that its going to be for the long haul? maybe. i dont know. i want to get to know him, to see if hes as awesome as ive made him to be in my head.

prove me wrong or prove me right. i dont care. i just need to know.

a heart bursting with happiness

i finally get the call from the district. ezkl says that they receive the request for hire. that poly really wants me. but the person whose place i am taking hasnt vacated the position. waiting for the local district to take care of that. then ezkl will begin the process to hire me.

i am so fucking happy. i feel so good to be wanted by people who seem to have a solid team. but i know that it wont be perfect. nothing ever is. thats good.

perfection bores me.

i like complex, multi-facted situations and people.

but i feel, i sense, i intuit that i will be joining a team, and that i will be happy there. for a long time.

at least thats what i pray for every morning.

taken

last night, i see his moodiness come.

i am online learning how to play chess, which i think is one sexy mindfucking game, when his name pops up on my aim screen.

i tense up because my overactive, untrusting mind begins to play tricks on me. i dont know if hes checking cl for another or if hes sending illicit emails to another. you see, this is the baggage i carry.

earlier in the day, we text message, and i ask about infidelities. he tells me hes cheated before, and i mention, once a cheater, always a cheater. this i believe. its nature that we take what isnt ours. i know not everyone cheats, but we all have, i believe, this tendency.

he is somewhat defensive, and at one points asks, why are you questioning me? to which i reply, im not questioning. im asking. big difference. im trying to get to know you. would you rather i assume? he becomes softer, allowing my curiousities to surface and be satisfied with his answers.

the past few days have been difficult. it starts last thursday, actually. he has had the little one with him from thursday through sunday, a break on monday, but had him again last night.

yesterday is the first day i feel things are normal. until the end of the night when i see him online. i tell him, youre online. i thought you were going to call me. wrong again, i suppose. his response? see, this is what fucking irks me. im working, and i was going to call you.

i do some damage control, but then i get a bit testy when i read its the tone of you being disappointed with me. i took enough of that shit when i was married.

when he calls, i am at first apologetic, but then i realize something.

im sorry, but i didnt mean to make you feel like i was disappointed in you. i just mentioned something, and you got all pissy.

i dealt with that already, and i dont want to deal with it again.

i know. but i didnt know you would react that way. i dont know you. i dont know what you went through in your marriage because you didnt tell me. i know youre divorced, but thats it. i dont know what happened. so, you cant fault me.

its my baggage.

yeah, it seems. youre always pushing me away. if you want me to leave, just tell me. you dont have to make it hard on either of us. just tell me, fuck off, and you will never see me again. it will be hard, but i will manage just fine.

youre telling me to fuck off?

geez, dont you listen? i said if YOU told me to fuck off, i will.

sometimes, hes a tornado. gets all worked up, big and bad, then simmers down when hes tired himself out. this is how i am, too. this could be a potentially dangerous combination, but for now, its pretty fun.

i want to be with you, i tell him. i mean at the moment. in bed, fucking. or talking. whatever is convenient at the time.

you know my issues. hes thinking i WANT to be with him. which i may want but not until i get to know him.

yeah, i know.

im a pain in the ass.

i knew that before.

im just going to enjoy this. its easy. its fun. and the subject of vegas is brought up. i think it may happen. if he can. but of course, im a bit spooked. its a big step. i dont travel with just anyone. people can get all goofy when they go away. true colors show.

i like this brat. hes a guy, a man, a boy, so i have to be patient. i tell him that the exbf wanted me to learn patience with him. i think ive learned, but now im applying what ive learned.

who knows whats going to happen? i cant think of it in terms of years and months. i clarify what it is exactly that i want. i just want to get to know him. thats all. just hear his stories, spend time with him outside, get to know him as a person, not just as a lover. i think he understands now and isnt so panicky thinking that i want to fucking marry him.

wow. that would be suicide. for now.

i dont know him, but i will make the commitment to do so. thats as much as i can give. and ask for.

another day

there is such unbelievable chemistry and connection with him that i do not know how to get away.

he doesnt go to the game last night because the little one was tired. i wish i am more understanding of this need for him to hang out with his exwife, too.

i know i shouldnt be insecure, but i am. what i hate about me the most are my jealousy and insecurity. these are courtesy of growing up in a household where my father cheated on my mother several times, and the fights are incredibly loud and frightening.

im ready now to face this issue of infidelity in my sessions. i dont want to be distrusting, nor do i want to feel like i cannot be faithful. right now, im learning to trust him, learning to trust myself in this instead of constantly being at conflict.

thats the thing i realized. last night, he says to me that he feels like im on a rollercoaster ride, and hes the operator. i tell him that he has it all wrong, im the one operating the ride, not him. but hes right. he senses my ups and downs, and i love that.

today, he says he wants to just hang out. i tell him last night that i want to really know him and for him to know me. i think he may want to invest in that. which is good because how do i know if i even want to?

thoughts

today is an incredibly great day, except for when my phone died without any symptoms at all at target while purchasing dog food and other necessities. now, its plugged in, and its making this fucking annoying sounds while it charges. that isnt the problem, i know. the problem is that its fucking dead.

willal and i exchange many text messages today. i want to be his friend. just friends? that will be hard, but i think its what i want to try now. we jump into sex so quickly that for me, there is a need to get to know him. i want that. that is the point of contention last night.

i am tired as i type this, so in a few, im going to take a nap.

heres what i want for me now.

i want to start my new job and make great money, even though i wont top what im making now. im so fortunate with my hourly rate and the ease at which i earn it. my students are awesome, and i want to so much stay, but i know that this is temporary.

next, i want to meet new people, make new friends, but still keep the old. oh, november, marba, jado, and i watch borat last night. it is fucking hilarious. of course november ignored me. well, he hugs me hello and goodbye, and that is the extent of our contact.

i see igra yesterday after search. why, oh why, is he with that girl? not that i would be jumping in his arms, but still. i would love to get together with him. not just physically. its more than that. theres this awesome connection between us.

i had to come clean with willal. i tell him of my fear of commitments and relationships. and i also tell him what i want. what i want is to get to know him. and for him to get to know me. if he cant give me that, then id have to walk away.

i can walk away now. id still want to be friends because i think thats what he needs, but id have to withhold on sex. it isnt important. its great, but it isnt priority. he needs a friend now. and maybe so do i.

hes going tonite to a kings game with his son and his ex. i think that pretty much determines how hard the door just slammed.

that was difficult

it is 3 months ago today that i first kissed him.

and 3 months later, i say good bye.

fuck.

but i come clean. i tell him i have a fear of commitment and relationships.

thats not what ends this.

what ends this is that i want more because i deserve more.

he cant deliver.

so done.

fuck.

by whose hands

dines once tells me that shes worried that willal will hurt me. i tell her that im worried that i might hurt him.

and now the time has come for that hurt to be realized. but the thing is, it doesnt matter who hurts who.

it matters that the hurt is there, and time will heal, but hurt is present.

im grateful for the time we had, for the feelings he inspired in me, for the words that made themselves come out. he is a wonderful person, such quality, such a great man.

and had i been smarter, i wouldve loved this man.

but timing sucks. its all wrong.

and now, its over.

closing doors

unbelievably hard, but inevitable.

when one door closes, another one opens. i just pray i dont stare too long at the closed door.

not many people affect me, but when i feel, when i love, its so deep into the core of me.

and it takes awhile to recover.

but this is how i am, i know no other way to feel except feel with all of me. and i know no other way to love except to just love without guarantee or expectation. its truly blind.

and i dont regret anything. ive learned not to. because there are lessons to be learned, fun to be had, and just incredibly chances to excercise my heart muscles.

however, to every beginning there is an end.

i will feel again. i will love again. and hopefully, mercifully, that next one will be the one.

but i doubt it.

enjoy your sunday. im off to search.

love love love these

what lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us.

-ralph waldo emerson


if he comes we welcome,
if he goes we do not pursue.

-zen saying


i will love the light for it shows me the way. i will endure the dark for it shows me the stars.

-og mandino


our hearts have no secrets our conducts do not reveal.

-unknown


if you want the rainbow, you have to put up with the rain.

-unknown

perhaps dancing lessons would be good

im thinking of taking dance lessons at the granada down the street, but im trying to figure out when i can fit it in.

saturday morning, maybe?

i love talking to him, find that i need to talk to him, so im going to. im also going to be honest with him about how i feel because i think hes a person id like to know.

ill tell him, id like to see where this goes. id like to get to know you in all of your moods, at your worst, at your best. i want you to meet my son, and id like to meet your son.

it wont be easy, i havent done this for awhile, but id like to jump in. fuck caution. that never helped me. so, lets do it. just make the promise to get to know each other.

a love i witness

theres a blind man, a student actually who is blind, who sits on a bench in front of the student services building at school. hes usually reading something in braille, and once or twice, i see his beautiful smile when he reads something worthwhile.

his face spells peace, and i cant help but wish mine conveyed the same. he is handsome, not in the normal way to rate handsome, but he has a shine that makes him so. i pass by him quickly, hoping he wont feel me stare, but i cant help myself. i want to know his story.

one day, i see him, but this time, he is walking with a woman in his arms. they use their canes to help guide their way. they both have smiles on their faces, and each seem single units, but the total effect is of one. she walks proudly in his arms, half a step behind. he leads her, checking the way for safety.

i am witness to this, and i am lucky. it always takes my breath away, this beauty. while i see other reminders of love daily, this is the one that breaks me.

and sometimes, when i feel the tears rise to the surface, i dont stop them. this is the time that i allow myself to feel. its been so long since ive felt. its foreign to me.

the other day, gaya asks me if i always see the grass as greener on the other side. she isnt the first to ask this or to accuse me of it. the exbf tells me this all the time he is with me.

i cant help it. i doubt myself all the time.

for instance, this "all in" business. i really mean to be, but its really frightening. i dont want to play around anymore. im too old for that. but how do i know if i want to be all in in THIS one?

today is a shit day, and i dont even know why. it hasnt happened in a long time, but today, and yesterday even, im out for a loop.

he invites me to go dancing tonite. i want to. i have to. we need to do this, i think. i want to see him shake his ass. i want to kiss him in a place other than his loft. i want him.

i want him so bloody much.

a conversation once and soon

hello? i answer. the caller id fails me.

hey, its me.

exbf? hey, where are you?

somewhere in montana. staying with a woman who picked me up. shes older, so you dont have anything to worry about.

are you settling there?

i dont know yet. im thinking about heading out west.

again?

yes.

why?

to be with you and matt.

no.

why not?

because its different now. you wont be coming back to what you left.

whats going on?

nothing much. ive got a new job, and im seeing someone.

new job?

yes. counselor. finally.

wow. congratulations, baby.

thank you, im really excited. how about you? how are you?

im good. im ready to come back.

im sorry. no.

come on. its time.

i told you. im different now.

this person youre seeing. is he better than me?

its only been three months. how could i know anything?

youre so caught up with time.

its the test.

wait, three months? you havent killed his heart yet?

no. its not like that.

what is it, then? just sex?

how about you? how are you?

good. listen, i have to know. do you want to be with me?

im sorry, no.

its because of this other guy?

no.

then?

me. because of me. i hate this shit, exbf. i hate when you make me tell you time and time again that i fucking am done with this.

fucking done? i came out to be with you, left everything and came to you. and now youre done?

i gave you so many chances to change. you didnt. i cant trust you. im sorry.

who the fuck is this guy? its because of him.

no, dammit. get it? this is between you and me. no one else. deal with it. im done. ive been done. you left me.

you told me to go.

you pushed me, exbf.

this guy...

no, im not talking about him.

fuck. you feel something for him.

what?

yeah. you fucking feel for him, dont you?

what makes you think so?

you arent dangling him in front of me as bait. you are avoiding bringing him up. what is it? what the fuck?

nothing. you wouldnt understand.

does he live with you? does he take care of matt?

im not speaking about this. dammit, just stop.

i want to be with you.

yeah? and what about that woman youve been with?

its over. done. ive left her.

not for me, i hope.

for me.

for you, good.

and for us.

no us. just you. and just me.

im tired of this game. the one where you pop back into my life.

to see if youve grown up for me, love.

dont call me that.

why?

because he calls me that.

and you believe him?

well, i dont believe you.

he doesnt know you. he doesnt know your ways. and he wont accept them the way i do.

no.

yes, i love you.

i have to go.

to him?

no. i have to go now. thanks for calling.

i want to see you.

no. im different now.

youre scared because you know you still want me.

no.

you still love me.

yes. but i dont want you anymore. theres someone else now.

he doesnt know you.

i know. bye.

wait. tell me, do you want me to come back?

no.

please?

no. theres no room.

because hes with you?

no. because i wont make room.

what is it about him?

he isnt you.

and?

he makes me feel good.

i did once.

no. you made me feel like i owed you for everything youve done.

i saved your life, you said.

then. and i thank you. i loved it. i learned.

theres more to learn.

im sorry, dear sweet exbf. im sorry.

ill call you again.

good bye.

some kind of crazy

my propensity to be irrational due to my anxiety does not surprise me anymore. im very aware of this ride and how it is going to end.

at times like these, i need to be alone with my thoughts. i converse with myself and think about what the hell it is i want.

so what do i want for myself?

a compilation:

1. to learn to trust. first on my list.

2. to be honest with myself and in turn be honest with those i need to be honest with.

3. to grow. i know one of the ways to grow is to go through shit.

4. to be patient. especially with me. im still learning.

5. to love completely and incoveniently. not necessarily with anyone i know, but eventually. with the right one.


i am asked what it is i want in love, so here it is.

i want to meet someone who is stronger than i am, who can see past my bullshit hurdles, and look me in the eyes and say, stop with this silliness. im not going anywhere, so try and push me, but im staying.

i want to share my life and my son and my home and my dogs. i want to share my family and my friends. i want to share my faith, my love for God and his blessings. i want to share myself without feeling like im compromising too much.

i want to hurt and to laugh and to cry and to giggle. i want to need him and feel needed by him.

i want amazing sex that only gets better with every thrust and every kiss. i want to be held at the end, and i want to fall asleep in his arms. this has been happening consistently.

i want a love that will prove me wrong and make me less jaded about it. i want a love that is strong and powerful that will withstand the test of time.

and in all of this, in the midst of this feast, i want to be forever changed.

miss him

for some unknown reason, i kind of miss the exbf tonite.

perhaps its because dines mentions that she does.

and that statement finds its way into my mind, so on the way home, when i hear don mcleans american pie, i find myself hearing his voice as he once sang this same song.

i wonder how he is, where he is.

and then in an instant, its gone.

all in

thats what i decide on friday. to be in this completely. no one foot out the door, no turning back, no running to d or ant or to jp or to anyone else when things get stormy.

i casually mention this, hoping he wouldnt get the reference from his previous reference of past girlfriends who did not commit to him. he knows what i mean, yet he pretends he doesnt. he makes me say things, makes me bring it out in the open. and for that, im grateful.

last night is outstanding. i get to his place, he opens the door, and he looks at me. i cant yet read what his eyes say when he looks at me.

i kiss him hello, and the next hour becomes blurry. i remember him leading me to the couch, hiking up my skirt, and eating me while i came all over his fingers and tongue. then he enters me, and he fucks me this way for awhile, until...

oh, yes. its clear now.

picture this: i ask him to stand up, and i kneel in front of him. i am wearing a tank top, which covers me, but exposes my chest. i grab his legs, and i hug him, and his beautiful cock rests against my chest.

i look down to see this sight, and i am so taken. i lick the tip of his cock, and i hear him gasp.

i love how he gasps. its so subtle, audible only to my ears, yet so grand.

i whisper to him, baby, i want you to cum on me. right here. i point to my chest.

he begins to masturbate, and every so often, i take him in my mouth, i take him completely in, i lick the shaft, i lick his balls, i lick his hand as it moves up and down.

he does this for awhile, and i am so fucking wet that i reach down between my legs and finger myself as he masturbates. when he is about to cum, i cover the head of his cock with my mouth, and his juices escape on my tongue.

when i go clean up, i return to find him on the floor, lying there on his back.

you are the most erotic woman ive ever met.

but only because you inspire me. thats all.

we move to the bed, and i show him pictures from my past. he says that i have talent, and i tell him that i feel always myself when i have a camera in my hand. he sees pictures of the exbf and comments that the exbf is a thinker.

and after we go through all fifty or so of them, he fucks me again. this time, he cums in my ass.

but the best part of this night is the intimacy. the intimacy of talking into the night. of disclosing, of looking into each others eyes and singing each others praises. of being brave enough to let each other in to the past in order to move forward into the future.

he fucking thinks im intelligent, but the truth is that he is even more so. his is self-taught, motivated by the competitiveness in his spirit. mine is learned coupled with the need to know, to acquire knowledge.

the man is amazing. everyday, and with every story, i get to know him. he is truly beautiful, quality.

and with every kiss, i know im lucky.

intimacy

you know my story, right? he asks.

no, baby, i dont.

it all begins in the trunk of a car.

he tells me this amazing story, one im not sure i am worthy enough to hear or priveledged enough to disclose to others, nor would i if i had been granted permission. he takes me through his walk, his crossing, his providing, and throughout his tale, i am silent.

he lets me hold his hand as he talks across from me, looking into my eyes, weaving his life as raw and as real and as honest as he can. he does this so i know.

he does this because he trusts me.

i can say nothing. he is such a great man, with a greater instinct to survive. he is once a child, and now he is a father. he is a father, an honor bestowed upon him by the grace of God.

he is lucky that he has a son who loves him. and ive heard how this little ear listens to him. ive heard how the little mouth talks to him. ive seen in pictures how little eyes look at him with such admiration and love.

amazing love.

i believe in love.

i believe in its power to hurt, to cure, to save, to heal, to cripple, to amaze, to scare, to surprise, to weaken, to strengthen, to mold, to shape, to destroy, to forget, to remember, to wish, to ask, to reply, to deceive, to correct.

i believe in its beauty to make us smile, cry, laugh, moan, groan, giggle, skip, hop, hope, feel, hear, taste, sense, believe, dream, wonder, understand, grow, change, change, change, inspire, create, give up.

love. sweet love.

i know that in my life, ive deeply loved once. it is a long time ago, and i hardly remember the circumstance of that love, but i wont belittle it now. that love produces a child, who resembles him so damned much, every day, every minute.

he was a good person, despite who he is now. ive always asked for another chance at that kind of love, a chance to do right, to not run away and fuck it up.

seven years ago, i think the opportunity presents itself in the form of a 20-year-old irish boy whose age deceives. you see, he is an old soul, an wise old soul who seems to have lived a life other than his own. he comes to show me unconditional love, that there is such strength in his heart and spirit to love a wild, unmanageable bitch like me.

that is what he gives me - patience and unconditional love. he brings that to me and to my boy. he accepts us as his own and protects us for five years from life. if i had to live through those times to get to where i am now, i would live it again.

but i am wrong about him. he is a lesson to learn, not a love to live a lifetime.

i want someone to care for me. i want him to carry my bags at the shopping mall. i want him to put his arms around me to shield me from the cold. i want him to kiss me at the end of the day.

i want him to teach the boy to be a man, to teach by example and by wisdom. i want him to confide in the boy, and for the boy to do the same. i want him to love the boy as his own, and for the boy to love him as his own.

but im vain about love. im vain in thinking that i dont need it, not just yet.

but i meet someone who has pulled me into his life, and while im trying to keep him at a safe distance, i know that he is being pulled into my life, too.

and this feels so fucking good.

but slowly. s-l-o-w-l-y.

time, time, time is on our side, right, mick?

cuddling

ive never been one to enjoy this. i dont know where to place my arm so that its comfortable and not comfortably numb.

however, ive become addicted to it now with him. ever since the beginning of us, ive always had the need to just be in his arms or have him in mine. ive needed him close to me and vice versa. we cant sit anywhere in his place without being thisclose to each other.

our sleeping condition is this. he is on his back, and i snuggle up to his chest. or he is on his side, and i spoon him. sometimes, very rarely, he spoons me, but i find this to not be optimal for no outstanding reason.

last night, i must have talked in my sleep. i remember dreaming about him, having a conversation in which i answer, mmmm hhhhmmm.

he stirs and asks, what did you say, baby?

this is when i wake from my sleep, and i answer, im sorry, baby. did i wake you?

did we knock out after making love?

well, you did first. then, i did. oh, look at the moon, baby.

the moon is glorious from his window. it is bright and startling and glowing.

we look at it for as long as our eyes remain open, and then we fall back asleep with me holding him and his hand on my leg pulling me close.

earlier, after he came on me, he whispers, baby, weve made love before, but no time was as intense as what just happened.

uh huh.

that is all i can muster. i have to take a moment to rest as the sweat and juices dry on me. i dont even remember where he is or where he goes for about ten minutes after. i think i pass out from sheer fatigue.

but it is so worth it.

he is worth it.

crossroads

i go to him again last night. thursday is a difficult day for him, which in turn, made it difficult for me.

ive figured out his secret. hes testing me to see if i will leave him. hes pushing me to see my limits. and so i tell him, you dont have to test me, you know. i decide whether to stay or go. if its pleasant, i stay. if it isnt i go. its that simple. dont try so hard to push me.

when i get to his place, he had been drinking already, so he is a bit...lit. he is less shy and more aggressive, which i must admit, turns me on. he pulls me close to him, and he kisses me hard. his hands find my hair, my ass, my shoulders.

he kisses me against the refrigerator, against the couch, against the kitchen counter where he had fucked me bent over before. he bites my lower lip, and he pushes his tongue deeper into my mouth.

we break away finally, and he says, i want to go dancing. i know this place.

okay. ill stay for a couple of hours and leave so you can go with the boys.

how long are you planning on staying?

until 11.

let me make this clear. when i told you earlier that i wanted to go dancing, i want to go with you. im inviting you. no one else.

okay.

i want you to see me dance. i know this cool place.

what is it called?

i dont remember now. its in silverlake, and its a gay and straight bar. the reason i want to take you is because you are cool with it, and i think youd like it, and we can have a good time. and its cheap.

i love that you want me to go with you. but i work tomorrow. next week, im free. lets go then.

are you sure? hey, why arent you dressed up like you usually are?

i work tomorrow, and i have to leave in a few hours anyway, so i didnt feel like getting all dressed up.

he tells me to make myself comfortable while he goes downstairs to take out the trash. he also says that if i want to stay that he can take the couch, and i can have the bed. if i dont want to have sex.

he leaves for awhile, and upon his return, he asks if ive ordered a movie. i tell him to lie next to me for a second.

i dont know how it happens because im a little tipsy at this point, but all of a sudden, he is in me. and when weve both exhausted each other an hour or so later, when i am on my stomach with my ass dripping from his lovely cum, he starts to talk.

he tells me of his deep secrets, sharing with me painful memories, showing me the side of him that hes only told his ex wife about.

and at the end, he says, i guess what im trying to say is that i trust you.

surreal

today is the day.

my beautiful students do their presentations from the getty trip. it is a struggle, but at the end of it, i tell them how genuinely impressed i am by them. they are so amazing, and they love me. some of them just like me, some of them love me, but its all good.

i also have to go to poly to meet with the panel.

its not an interview. youve already had an interview, jaken reminds me.

i get there at two p.m., just in time. a student leads me to room 16, and the door opens for me to see gerlo, who announces, maria is here.

maria is here? oh, good, come in, says jaken.

i go in. i remember some faces on the panel, and i take a seat at the head like i did a few months ago.

we would like to offer you the position of counselor, jaken announces.

yes.

youve decided?

yes.

oh, good. we thought you would tell us that you would have to think about it.

ive thought about it. and yes.

when can you start?

id need some time to transition my replacement, so how ever long that takes.

well, the other girl we hired took a month to process.

okay. then ill be ready in a month.

i spend 45 minutes there, and the whole time, i feel no nervousness. just some great energy. there is laughter, conviviality, friendliness. and all so genuine. i belong there.

i belong with a man now.

but that might take a bit of time.

newness

last night marks the end for me. my dream is telling of what is in my heart, and i dont really want or need to discuss this in detail.

so, today finds me with a heavy heart and a sadness due to a loss. it really has made me confront some things about me, things that i dont want to face. its part of my genetic buildup and conditioning. and the saddest thing is that there is no basis to this.

its fear. all about fear. the four-letter f-word. i hate this about me. i have to change my mindset, but it is so fucking hard, and i am not mentally up to it.

tomorrow is the polytechnic meeting. i am so excited, but yet a bit guarded.

and i wont go out with anyone for awhile. i wont replace one for another. thats not how this is. there is more value and respect for this that i dont know how to let go. there is a friendship, a sense of connectedness, respect, and acceptance.

is it enough? no.

i want more.

i want him.