the honeymoon is over, people
(or ignorance is truly bliss)

i was in love for three wonderful months. really in love for the first time, feeling so at peace and so happy. i imagined it would be forever or 20 years, whichever came first.

i thought about the friendships i would make, how i would be remembered forever by some of the amazing kids, about the awesome administrative team.

but i put them on a pedastal, and sadly, they never belonged there in the first place.

the more i learn about myself, the more i understand people.

and so, im beginning to want a trial separation, almost called it quits today, but decided that i would make my exit in june 2008.

it would be perfect. im going to make this an awesome year, work hard for my students, for my teachers, for me.

im going to give it my all, then im going to pull away.

this time, i wont stay longer than necessary or make fear my excuse for not taking care of myself.

i know better. ive learned that lesson a long time ago. and guess what? once i get burned, i never play with an open flame.

but there is a sexiness about fire.

tiresome

theres a teacher who is such a boy who has taken a liking to me. while it is absolutely flattering, i dont know what it is hes going to do about it besides come into my office and make an ass of himself when others are around.

and when its only me and him? hes a cocky ass. now, i know part of his cockiness stems largely from his insecurities about how i see him because i dont react to him.

hes a boy. a kid. if only you knew what he said today. but its sad because i know hes only trying to get my attention, and i wont give it up.

now, if the hot dimpled jc gave me that much attention, i would die. i would totally sleep with him without hesitation. and then i would regret it. i dont shit where i eat...anymore.

the political game at work, all the ass kissing, is getting on my nerves. not really ass kissing because i know that they genuinely like each other, and i know they genuinely like me, and i them, but im choose to differentiate myself.

i have friends who are teachers, aids, building and grounds crew, security, etc. i wont ever hang out with just the counselors. fuck that. i hang out with how i want, not because we share the same job titles.

i pray i get the auxiliary class.

tomorrows

today was a shitty day for no particular singular reason. i arrived at work with a headache from tension and anxiety, and i paid dearly for it.

the day was long, busy, and at the end, ellar and jaken told me, confidentially and separately, that i need to be in my office more.

where the fuck am i? my ass, though padded adequately, hurts from sitting in my shitty ass chair. when im not in my office, im in the bathroom or at an iep or at a meeting. who the fuck misses me?

according to them, they do. not so much miss me, but wonder how they allowed the leash to be so long. fucking amazing. but i will abide by their request to let go of some of my committees. only one.

so, i thank God that there is a tomorrow, and i pray that it will be back to my amazing life.

this weekend, there is a party thrown my the 24 year old school police single mother who i admire and find courageous. i know it is a struggle, but her strength leaves me in awe.

i look forward to going, to meeting someone for a summer fling, to kiss the lips of a stranger and feel the butterflies. i long for it. i love the beginning, awkward stages, and then i love when it become difficult to continue.

im fucked up that way.

i also want to and need to take a class this summer for my last 3 units before climbing to the top of the pay scale. i need it. i want to meet new people and hear different voices and learn ideas that are not similar to mine.

i need this.

the sd trip by train was perfect. im glad we took it because this day just sucked.

and my son, he started his first two high school summer classes today. hes motivated and excited. and this is how i know hes my child.

playing with toys

it had been awhile since i had seen him, mostly because i lacked the desire, but also because hes been busy. yesterday, the boy and i returned from san diego on the train tired and hungry, but relaxed and rejuvenated from getting away and being by the water.

last week, roca and i took a trip to pleasure chest where i bought two toys. one is the orchid and the other the aquarius, because after all, i am an aquarian. both are vibrators that have powerful zing, and though i was completely aroused, i had not used them until the middle of the past week.

he and i messaged back and forth, sexy and completely making us so horny. on the ride home, he said he wanted to see me if he didnt have his son with him for the night, but i told him that i was tired and might need to take a raincheck.

miscommunication ensued towards the end of the night, and i ended up telling him that if he wanted to end this, to be a man and fucking say so. he told me not to challenge his manhood. the guy is so macho, its sickening sometimes, but i know its his pride.

i was sparked by his words, and i didnt want to go through the hassle of fighting, so i ended the conversation. he messaged me back saying that his son broke a bathroom mirror that caused him some major exasperation.

we talked for a little while about it, and we both said good night, but i knew that he wanted to see me, so i went over.

we got into his loft, and he took me to the bathroom, bent me over the sink, and stuck his cock into my wet pussy. i came immediately, the position hitting the great g-spot, and the very look of his image in the mirror as he watched me cum made me feel so sexy.

he jumped into the shower, while i got my vibrator and stood on the other side of the glass shower door. i turned it on full speed and massaged my clit, while he let the water run down his soapy body. he asked me to lie on my back on the floor while i masturbated, but i came so quickly, i didnt have time.

i went to the living room while he dried off, and when he found me, he spread my legs, pulled me to the edge of the seat, and entered me. he fucked me this way until he moved to take his boxers off. i repositioned myself, and he entered me. in a few minutes, he led me to the bed.

i got my new friends, and i put them next to us. he got the lube and spread it on his cock and in my asshole. when he entered me, we both allowed an aaaahhhhh to escape our lips.

i got the orchid and inserted it in me. it didnt feel right, so i took it out, and he sat against the headboard. i straddled him facing away from him, guiding his cock inside my ass. he pumped me, spanking me again and again, while i used my vibrator against my clit.

he moved from my ass to my pussy, fucking me so deeply. he played with my asshole using the aquarius, not inserting it, but teasing my hole. he came this way, and i felt him shudder.

he fucked me again later on in the night, the way i loved to be fucked by him. he entered me doggy style, and he grabbed my hands and held them. i love the way his body holds mine down, from head to toe, fucking me, whispering that hes going to cum.

this morning, i woke him with kisses, my hand on his hardening cock and balls. i licked his ass, while i used the aquarius on me. he turned me on my back, lifted my legs, and lubed my ass and his cock. while he fingered my ass, i came.

i put a pillow under my ass so he can get in me with facility, and i rested my legs on his shoulder. he inserted the aquarius in me with the extension resting on my clit. he moved it in me in the same rhythm he moved inside my ass. he sucked on my toes, and soon, he told me he was cumming.

we both came at the same time, but there are blank spots because the intensity was too much to bear.

he said that it will always be intense between us, but you know, i wish he and i met under different circumstances at different times. however, i know that hes in my life for a reason, as my teacher of sex and of life in general. and for that, i cant wish for anything more.

but not anymore

on the train today, the train that took me and the boy to san diego, i realized how much i love my freedom. love it. love it. love it.

and then i began to think about the exbf. i remember how loved i felt. how the look in his eyes communicated so much more than his lips would ever. and a feeling of relief came over me.

the truth is that while i wish i were with someone, i know that im not ready yet to give up this freedom and independence.

i want to meet someone, but im in no rush.

and this feels so bloody good.

sometimes

i really miss him still, even after three years.

i miss his scruff against my cheek, my thighs.

i miss his hands in mine, in my hair.

i miss his cock in my mouth, my pussy.

i miss his voice, whispering my name in prayer or in pleasure.

i miss his presence, his spirit.

i miss the love he gave me for five years, choosing me before himself.

God, i miss him.

eventually

so much has been happening that i have not had the time to catch my breath. as with the case in my life, and im sure in all of our lives, when it rains, it pours.

school started again on monday, and i have such disdain for driving up and down the 118 to get to thousand oaks. however, i have made a friend, a boy of 29, who is so funny. i had a little crush on him at the last class, but it never went anywhere. on monday, he sent me some flirty text messages, some that made me blush, others that made me lol.

i love funny. im a whore for funny. witty. intelligence.

but i know nothing will happen between my friend and me because i wont allow it. hes busy, im busy, blah blah blah. besides, hes too much of a nice guy. or im just skurd.

i started today with my new therapist. she is insightful and lively, unlike sanva. napa pinpoints things in me and brings them to light. i dont want to compare them because i know that everyone has their own style, but im partial to napa.

and tomorrow, my son ends his elementary school career.

wow. i cant believe it!!! im in shock and awe. he amazes me, truly and completely.

its late, and i have to get to bed.

must read more. must read more. must read more.

cycles and patterns

im resigned. i turn it over and over in my mind, i try to figure out compromise, and i find that there is no compromise, there is no bottom line, there is no more giving.

i wont allow it. i will stand my ground, and i wont budge. im becoming cold and callous, exacting and deliberate. and i dont care.

its apathy that gives me strength, and yet, its what weakens me.

the dreams, the communication...they are becoming part of the cycle, and my pattern is to withdraw the troops and call it a day.

some would fight, some would remain strong, some would do things different.

but not me. not this time. not anymore.

dismissed

yesterday, i felt ill because of my cold and cramps. thankfully, the day ended at 1:32 p.m. because of open house the previous night. i didnt attend because my son had his last performance and g.lo gave me permission to miss it. hes an awesome person, did i tell you? hes funny and smart, and what i like the most is that hes a bit awkward and nerdy.

on the way out, i saw jc, and he asked me for coffee again. the first time, i went, but this time, i said no. hes a boy of 26, and while i dont feel hes interested in me, and im certainly not interested in him, i just dont want to have that kind of relationship with him.

willal and i exchanged several text messages. at the end of the night, the messages took a turn for the worst. he was frustrated that his car was acting up, that he didnt have sufficient funds to cover the cost, and that he was getting no help.

so i told him that he never asks me for help and that i was tired of reading his mind and trying to figure him out.

he replied, dont be tired anymore.

im tiring of this bullshit nonsense. i can feel my heart glossing over, and im going to let it. im not going to work on this anymore. if it ends, it ends.

unfortunately, i dont give a shit.

not really stalling

dines tells me tonite that she thinks im procrastinating about being in a relationship. she also expresses that she hopes i am not purposefully turning down prospects.

ive told her before that i really want to work on myself both physically and psychologically before i embark on another emotional relationship.

today i missed the exbf with such deepness that i felt the need to wait to move until the feeling washed over me. i dont know why this was so, but it was so, and im a bit empty.

i miss him. i go through these moments of missing him, and then i notice how there are so many boys who resemble him.

i do hope and pray he is well, that he is happy, and that he will find his way in this world.