notes

us bank 02.2009 by agape+photography

yesterday, after gushing to brenfi my about my crush on carlo, she sent to me an article on how to ask a guy out she downloaded from some website.

it was kind of cute, if i were about 15 years younger and if i had never done it before, but truth be told? i got my moves down pat.

in fact, id rather be the one to do the asking because then it would be on my time, when im comfortable enough to hang out on an one on one basis. i dont like to be rushed.

and this whole thing with carlo is a silly little thing. im fascinated by him, mostly because hes an artist, and i love the art he creates. hes also a free spirit who has stories, and he travels alone. i love this whole mystery to him, this whole artistic moodiness that embodies his person.

but am i physically attracted to him? can i imagine myself in a sexually charged time with him?

no.

this was a discussion igra and i had last night. im much wiser now about the difference between mental fascination and physical attraction, and i know i will only act upon the latter.

~*~*~

monday, the redhaired boy and i talked for an hour after i sent him a text saying hello. i heard a song that reminded me of him, a song that seemed to have been my anthem during the rocky parts of our time together.

he was at work. he intended to go home at eight to have dinner, but when he got home, his son and wife would be going to bed, so he decided to stay until 11.

i made a comment about wanting my husband to be at home with me, and he countered, this is what makes our marriage work. trust me, m, im no fun to be around after 8 hours of work.

oh, honey, i remember. i didnt want to be around you after an hour of class, but still...

this is why we have been married for so long.

~*~*~

the last two days at work have been total crap. i dont know what it is, but as soon as i got into my office, i felt so ill.

this isnt so much psychological as it is physical.

you see, the school is built on a landfill, and years ago, seven faculty members developed different forms of cancer, which was attributed to some chemical emanating from the ground.

i wanted to leave as soon as i got in today. i cant keep coming to work and looking into eyes of kids who are dealing with dysfunctional family systems. it breaks my heart, and i think ive reached my tipping point.

so.

i called and inquired about the visual performing arts high school. i spoke with a guy who will most likely be the lead teacher in the visual arts academy.

and he said to send him my cover letter and resume.

so.

im going to do this. and im going to get this job. and no matter what?

im still going to san francisco.

~*~*~

a couple of years ago, a certain sexy man told me his fantasy was to make love on the helipad of the building shown above.

this picture is for him.

its too bad he will never actually receive the image in his had because the last time i gave him a picture?

disaster ensued.

the birth of a friendship

phs 12.2008 by agape+photography

we met a few years ago, when he had a girlfriend who he never mentioned, not even in passing, and when i had just ended with the exbf.

he was the one who made me laugh with him and at him and because of him.

and for awhile, i confused the feeling philos with eros, but tonite, there was such clarity during our conversation, and ive witnessed the birth of our friendship.

finally.

hes in love, i think, i hope, with a woman who is much older than he is. he told me of a pregnancy scare and how he didnt run away.

him sharing this story makes me love him so much more, and i want nothing other than goodness for my dear friend. and i think he needed to share. he needed to share with me.

he said this to me: i love talking with you, hanging out with you. and for days before and for days after, i feel good, and i carry that feeling.

i feel the same way. you know that, right? ive written to you all that.

im sorry that work takes over, and life just goes on, and we dont talk more often. i dont think its time for us to be daily friends yet.

daily friends?

yes.

i dont understand what that is.

its when you and i will see each other daily. or talk daily. the way you and your boy are. thats daily. the time isnt right for us yet.

i love the idea, but our friendship is strong that we dont need the daily. yet. right?

yes. but someday...

i love him, you see, love him because im fascinated by him. and i think he loves me in the same way.

in our own ways, we come to the same conclusion about our friendship, that there is nothing other than filos here.

he mentioned something in passing, unable to clearly articulate it, but in a very indirect way, he simply stated that he has mistaken feelings before. not necessarily for me, but its about me.

just have a feeling.

but im so grateful that he and i are now in this understanding that we are just friends, and nothing more.

but oh, so much more.

~*~*~

ive decided something today.

i need closure from w, and im going to do it soon. i need to do this, i know i have to do this, and not because of him or because of another man, but because of my need to have a healed heart.

there are some men who are on the horizon, and though i dont think theyre ones ill have a long term thing with, id like to do it.

besides, w is so done with me, which is to be expected because of what transpired.

however, i do love him, hold some warm memories of him in my heart.

i miss him, too, miss him so deeply still, not as much as i did in the beginning, but there are moments when i just feel so empty and drained.

and yeah, i miss him, but would i go back to that time?

the answer is in my heart, and i trust my heart.

~*~*~

theres a little fascination with carlo at work, and he remembers tiny details like my birthday and my sign.

hes a virgo, and when i told him that it would work out, he said, but im not the typical virgo. im an artist. i understand your need for space. i need my space, too.

yeah, but do you have the virgo traits?

i dont think so. besides, i was born in august.

okay, well, thats different than the september virgos ive been with.

see? im different.

hes going to travel on his bike again on his off-track time. he just bought a house, so i think hes going to accumulate some cars to restore now that he has a place to keep them.

oh, and this. we are going to the skirball tomorrow, and i wanted to invite you, but i was told that we are only taking the 11th and 12th graders, so we asked the upper grade counselors.

oh, yuk. well, at least you guys will get the handicapped parking spaces.

yeah, but youre more fun.

sweet, yeah?

hes crushing, too.

obvious.

loving life

moon jellyfish from the long beach aquarium of the pacific
02.2009 by agape+photography

i suppose you should come closer, pull up a chair, and plan to hang out for awhile because we need to catch up.

lately, ive been feeling disconnected from the world ive created, and mostly, its because i havent been to work.

this was my week of vacation, and its been so busy that i kept thinking that yesterday was still monday.

the days blur into one, and i have to struggle to try to remember what ive done or what ive yet to do.

~*~*~

now, i have to share with you some thing that you may already know.

there is such power in words, both written and orally stated.

lets back track. a week ago, i spoke to a woman from brazil, and she said to me, you have a strong sense of psychic ability. but you know this, yes?

yes.

i know that when i want something, i visualize it, write it down, speak it out loud, or think it. sometimes, a thought will pop into my mind, and it will materialize seconds later.

im sure youve had times when your phone rang, and you knew who it was. or when you think of someone, and you bump into him/her. or when a nagging thought wont leave you alone for days, and then you realize that your aunt was in an accident or something too unbearable to write passes.

i know i have some sort of sixth sense thats stronger than others. ive been told this by psychics and by intuitive people, yet i dont do anything about it because it frightens me.

this sense is always so strong when ive had a chance to meditate and relax.

not that im always right in my visions or intuition. sometimes, im happily so wrong that i cry.

for awhile after the exbf left, i had a strong feeling that he was coming back. he didnt call me for days, so i called his home phone, and his father told me he was hitchhiking his way back to california.

when he called, i told him not to come back. he didnt.

~*~*~

so my forty by forty one list?

i can cross out some things from it:
17. finish this list
23. share my photos
24. allow my photos to be critiqued
35. buy my honda crv

the other day, after dropping my son off at his orchestra practice, i stopped by the dealership where i bought my first car 13 years ago. the guy who sold it to me was there, but in a higher position, so his wife and i test drove a crv.

i told them both that i wasnt ready to buy, but at the end of the night, i wrote out a $5000 check, and ill be saddled with car payments for the next five years. but i plan on paying more than what im supposed to a month so i can finish faster.

its a gorgeous ride, man. its totally different from my first baby, which i miss so much that i was actually going through the process of grief.

this car is of the upper brand, complete with leather seats and moonroof and 6 cd changer.

all i wanted really was the moon roof, so everything else was extra.

im so in love with it, i drop to my knees in gratitude and humility.

~*~*~

so, what else can i knock off on the list?

10. take more photography classes
38. photograph nudes

because next term? photojournalism on tuesdays and nudes on saturdays.

cool, yeah?

~*~*~

one of the things i need to do now that i have this car is number 14, which is to love and accept my past.

part of the process to do this is to have closure. from w.

so that i can fall in love again.

not that im in love with w, but i need his forgiveness.

~*~*~

okay, need to sleep.

going to get up at an ungodly hour on a saturday so i can drive an hour up to get my taxes done.

please, dear God, let me get at least $7000 back.

notes

st andrews church, pasadena 02.2009 by agape+photography

im tired. sleepy. feeling drained emotionally and psychologically. thinking too much about the future, not spending enough time here in the present.

i love my d90, but this digital age is really hindering my creativity, and i want to go back to film.

im crushing on this guy in the saturday class, and i cannot help buy visualize him in me.

next class im taking? nude photography. i like my instructor, and he will be teaching it, so im hooked.

tomorrow? long beach aquarium. i wanted to take the train for the day to santa barbara, but damn this weather.

yesterday? just hung out at home, went to class, came back home. it was pretty chill.

today? church, then hung out with baby d at the park, then dinner with dapel.

have to sleep. must get sleep.

i love this image. out of 70 shots, i got three i really like.

the rest? discarded.

still, again

speed 07.2008 by agape+photography

one would think, just because its been years ago, that i would be finally over him.

done. with. him.

because hes done with me.

im not an idiot. in fact, ive been told i was intelligent, witty, quick.

but there are times, when i least expect it, when i want to be transported to his loft again. that sanctuary where i fled to and felt safe and satisfied...even if it was just for short bursts of time.

i dont know what triggers it, this ache for him that starts and ends at the very deepest depths of my heart.

the other night, jado and i went on a shoot in dtla, and i wanted so badly to go to him.

there are times, though, when i dont think of him, hardly remember his 11-month existence in my life. long stretches of time, months even, when i go about my day, not needing to feel his essence mingle with mine.

when im painfully aware of his absence, i feel a breadth of emptiness that i havent felt since the early days when he dumped my ass.

it sucks.

because all i can do is weather this emotional storm.

~*~*~

i need to get away.

oh, yeah, we didnt go to sf this time. partly due to the weather, and partly due to my brother who fucking refuses to grow up.

but the boy and i will go to celebrate our birthdays in april. no matter what. i dont care whats happening at the time, we are going.

~*~*~

i feel as if im searching everywhere to get a sense of belonging, for spiritual reassuarance, for emotional release.

the other night, vansa and i went to dinner. after, we went to a bar to celebrate heidis birthday.

my friend and i flirted by text, which was a first for us.

when he got there, he looked so tragically beautifully but very thin. all hipstered out and shit. i think hes in the closet, but really? vosgan and i agreed: he cant be alone.

my friend and i didnt talk there, but we did glance at each other a lot. thats why at the end of the night, as we were saying good bye, he said, maybe we could do this again. you know. meet somewhere, not talk, and just look at each other.

yeah, i know. you were there, and i was here, and you know. how are you?

good.

married again?

me? no. but i had a girlfriend for awhile. but that ended.

why?

she kept complaining how i was never there for her.

were you?

yeah. i saw her like twice a week.

what was she? needy?

he hugged me again, tighter, and we promised to call each other.

a few days later, he wanted to hang out at a museum.

i cancelled. i just dont have the energy for him, you know?

~*~*~

so, at the party, there was a guy there.

a year and a day older than me.

from chicago.

teacher.

geographically desirable.

catholic.

single. i think.

and im interested in hanging out with him.

but he was quiet. i like him. the question is whether or not i have the desire to get his info.

i wish he would ask for mine.

after valentines day.

i just so hate vd.

sixteen

my son 08.2008 by agape+photography

he sometimes reminds me hes a man when i call him baby.

today, i realized that this child of mine, this wonderful mix of all that is good and bad of me and his father, that he is no longer a boy, but a young adult.

and im so proud of him that my heart bursts open whenever i think of how amazing hes become.

hes got a good head on his shoulders, level headed and calm.

his heart is generous and is currently being occupied by a girl from orchestra who is also in honors classes and in color guard. i mention this because he mentioned this to me the other night, after spending the day with her at disneyland because of a concert they played as part of the orchestra.

i love that he honors my wish for him to not rush into relationships, to take the firsts as sacred because you can never have your first kiss or your first time sexually.

he likes this girl because theyre both jocks, and she is drawn to him. those are his words.

hes become spiritual, evident by this comment he made earlier: no, mom, we arent lucky. we are blessed.

im very blessed to have this child.

the last two years, ive chosen to be a mother rather than a lover. i did this to the words of w who told me that i have a special child and to take care of him. or something like that.

hes right. i got to know this kid, this boy who has a devilish wit, and a beautiful soul.

can i take full credit of this child because im a single parent? i wish.

but there are so many who have just been so amazing to us. first and foremost, God. second, my family. and third, our friends.

we have been so fortunate to have these people in our lives.

and i hope to one day soon meet a man who will be honored to hold us in his care.

at the end of the day, my son turned to me and told me, mom, this was a really great day. i got what i wanted, and everything turned out well. youve been a big part of that.

well, thanks, baby.

im not a baby. im a man.

yes. yes, you are.

forty things

pasadena sidewalk 12.2008 by agape+photography

my list of forty things i will do before i turn forty-one:

*dare to be me*
1. read all my unread books
2. complete all the pages in my handwritten journal
3. find my own style
4. buy new furniture that i can take to sf
5. go on drives in the summer just to take pictures
6. join the haiti committee
7. get netflix and watch some movies that ive put off watching
8. cook

*dare to be free*
9. organize my computer files and store them properly
10. take more photography classes
11. do crossword puzzles again
12. do yoga
13. ride my bike on the bike path by the la river
14. love and accept my past
15. walk the rose bowl, the reservoir, almansor park on a weekly basis
16. love, dance, sing, smile, wink, flirt without being self conscious anymore

*dare to face fears*
17. complete this list
18. go back to therapy thats not in a kaiser building
19. go back to my project and not give up
20. observe the signs of where my life is headed and follow directions
21. clean my closet
22. learn my d90 inside and out
23. share my photos
24. allow my photos to be critiqued

*dare to love*
25. open my heart
26. open my eyes
27. open my ears
28. open my arms
29. give someone a chance
30. listen to someone read me his story
31. touch his stubbley cheeks with mine
32. stay when i want to run

*dare to dream big*
33. photograph three weddings
34. travel to european countrysides for two weeks
35. buy my honda crv
36. start a website
37. photograph families and children
38. photograph nudes
39. get paid for my work
40. save $10,000

bullet list

huntington library 02.2009 by agape+photography

• i love the rain, love the way it cleanses the earth, makes everything smell good, the beautiful colors made by stoplights, cars, the moon reflected on the streets, love the sounds, the romance of it all when we huddle together caught without umbrellas or other types of coverings, but...i hate the way people become idiots when they drive in it.

• i got my baby d90 today. i love it, but im so intimidated by all the buttons and the fancy functions and the heaviness of it and the awesome pictures it takes. i need to learn it all, dont i?

• the past two days, i got to work by 615 in the am. tuesday, i was sporting a fever, so i left by ten. wednesday, i stayed until 4.. today, i felt better, so i worked the regular time of 930 to 3. i finished the crap im supposed to do, but i have to go back next thursday and friday before i can really feel like im on vacation.

• got paid today. im happy, but i got $4000 taken out in taxes. thats pretty much the money i made working while i was supposed to be on vacation. translation: i worked for free. great!

• my brother and i need to have a long, serious talk about his life. i dont usually get involved, but this time, this time, i have to. i have to because theres a baby involved, and im involved, and fuck if im going to let this go without saying my peace and my piece.

• i am so bloody excited to go to sf. i hope everything works out exceedingly well. even if theres rain, which it doesnt seem like there will be on monday and tuesday, im going to get some fantastic, romantic shots of the bridge, of the city, of just some beautiful stuff.

• i dont want to go to vidas party tomorrow night. i have too many things to do, and i dont have enough time to do it before i go to sf on sunday.

• i love my life. i love being forty. i love being aware. i am grateful and humbled and privileged.
  

in numbers

huntington library 02.2009 by agape+photography

number of years...
ive been alive: 40
ive been a mother: 16
ive been a counselor: 2
ive been in education: 13

number of men...
ive been in love with: 1 (the boys father)
ive loved deeply: 4 (the redhaired boy, the boys father, the exbf, w)
ive spent the night with: 4 (see above)
who ive seen pray: 2 (the exbf and the buddhist who chanted after making love to me in the morning)
i wanted to spend the rest of my life with: 0

number of...
cameras i own: 4 (5 by thursday when i get my nikon d90)
lens i own: 3 (4 by thursday)
camera bags i own: 3 (4 by thursday)
computers i own: 2 (as of saturday past)
flash drives i own: 3 (as of saturday past, a total of 7g)

number of...
states ive been to: 18
cities ive lived in: 5 (chicago, country club hills, la, la jolla, sac)
weddings ive photographed: 1 (2 by may)
weddings ive been a maid of honor: 2 (my bff from college, 1996; my sisters, 1999)
weddings ive been a bridesmaid: 1 (my aunts, 1987)

number of...
blogs i read: 32
blogs i respond to: 1 (grizzbabe)
bloggers ive actually spoken to on the phone: 2 (gw + grizzbabe)
bloggers ive met: 0
bloggers i want to meet: 2 (gw + grizzbabe)

number of...
colleges i applied to in high school: 3 (ucsd, accepted; csun, accepted, ucla, rejected)
colleges i attended (undergrad): 2 (ucsd + csus)
colleges i attended (graduate): 2 (uop + cal lu)
schools im attending or have attended for photography: 2 (elac + tcpc)
colleges i want to visit while up north: 4 (sfai, ucb, ucsc, sfsu)

number of...
psychics ive consulted and returned to: 2
piercings: 2 (ears, when i was two days old)
names i was given at birth: 5
names i have since being naturalized: 3
cars ive owned: 2 (76 chevy nova, walter; 96 honda accord, alfred)

number of pets ive had...
rabbits: 1 (oliver, rip)
dogs: 2 (max + oreo)

~*~*~

thats my life in numbers. interesting, i think.

ive been very pensive lately, reflecting about who i am as a person.

i turned 40 today. so far? i dont feel any different than when i was 39. i wasnt expecting any cataclysmic sign, especially since ive been sick since friday. i had a massage, then a photoshoot for nattim and her fiance in santa monica.

they came out well, but im still frustrated because technically? im rusty.

its this digital age. ive become lazy and havent been taking my time to frame shots and be all sorts of shutter this and aperture that. i hate the auto setting, but ive been relying on it for awhile.

~*~*~

i dont want to do type this, but i need to get it out of my system.

i should be on my second week of vacay, but instead? im going in the rest of this week. friday will be my last day. i dont care if my programming isnt done or if fucking intersession isnt done. im done.

so, i have to go to bed now. which is cool because im sleepy from the cold meds that totally knock me out and kick my ass when im unconscious.

but also because i have to be at work by 6. vida is crazy about the cahsee, and she asked me to come, so i will.

~*~*~

mikpe messaged me today about having a happy birthday and needing to get laid.

ya think?