last

it feels as if august dragged on, but im sure it didnt.

last night, dines and i went on one of our impromptu drive with her cousin tagging along, and it was fun, even though i got car sick. i dont know what it is. i think im just used to driving, and i dont like the jerkiness of the road and of the driving style.

thank God for this three day weekend. i need to heavily psyche myself out for the next four months, which will be heavy.

im hoping to get that photoshop class, even though i know i can buy the book and learn that way. but no. i wont do it. im not disciplined enough.

~*~*~

i received a letter from the union president on behalf of that fucking smelly dragon, and im going to respond to it once im calm enough to do it.

i know if i do it any sooner, im going to come off as engaging, and im not. in fact, i dont really give a craps ass about her at all, but its the students im hoping will get a better deal.

really, im tiring of the drama at poly. all the nonsense, all the tragedy, all the turnover.

~*~*~

i think ive figured out how i want to design my webpage, so soon, you will get a glimpse of it.

i cant wait.

now, to find a designer.

more words

im very good at avoidance and making someone not exist. even if they are in my line of vision. or not.

the latest victims are igra, the asshole tc, the smelly dragon, and the poor 21 year old.

it isnt them, you know?

if youve read this amazing book, youd know that it isnt personal. its me.

really.

i know this. ive accepted it. and im going to continue it.

igra has disappointed me and in a way, kind of hurt me by using what ive told him in intimate confession against me.

i dont know if he was jealous or if he was just being a prick or if he was tired. and i dont care which he was.

it just kind of stung me in a way that made me gasp and pull away.

for a little while, at least.

maybe until december when school ends.

ah, yes. school. my escape.

yay!

words

at 6:34 am, i told the boy in the middle of prayer, look at that. if you ever doubt there is a God, there He is in all His majesty.

the sky was beautiful, dark in some parts then broke into clouds with the sun streaming through them, and man, it moved me, and i couldnt help but stare.

i didnt have my camera, of course, i didnt. but i remember the words the boy said another time when i wish i could have documented a gorgeous sight: some things, you just cant take a picture of. you enjoy the moment. thats all. you cant capture it.

absolutely right. another lesson. learned.

*****
hes had double practices the last two weeks, and im telling you, its kicking my ass, too. i take him to school before i drag my ass to work, usually around 6:15. i pick him up after i nap, usually around 6:45 or so.

so, yeah, my condition is that of being fucking tired and sensitive and moody all the time. which isnt good, especially working in an office with all women.

but. he always reminds me, mom, this is important to me.

and i cant help but be grateful to God for bringing me a child that is capable of playing and has a drive to play.

football. of all sports.

heres where i show the side of a bad mother: i dont think i can go to his games. as it is, when i see a new bruise or a new cut, i shirk.

im a pussy. yes. this ive known. my child, my family, those i love---they are my weakness. if anyone wanted to torture me, theyd have to hurt the ones i love. and i will give in just so they are better again, so that i am better also. and then i will strike.

i told the boy that i dont think ill be going to his games, and not just because i cant bear to watch him get hurt, but also because im going to try to add a class on the days of his games.


*****
theres this nagging, annoying, frustrating pull in me to leave this place, to go to school in san francisco, to be so fucking frivolous.

and i promised myself that i would have to change, to calm when the boy started high school because this is the time when i need to step up as his mother and father.

to fulfill this promise, ive become less selfish and less wild and less daring, and honestly, it eats me up.

because its unnatural for me, you know?

i havent had sex in a year, which is fine, because seriously, there is no one at all that has captured me. and ill wait for him, thats no problem. and honestly? i dont really miss sex.

why? because im so fucking tired all the time. im doing the work of two counselors and two parents. no wonder married people dont have sex.

but thats bullshit. when i get married, im going to make time for it. ill get up early or stay up late or come home in the middle of the afternoon to make love to a man i commit to.

so i hold out.

*****
i havent seen nava since my last appointment when she pissed me off.

do i need her still? ummm...i dont know.

lets see how i hold up.

*****
im going to be so incredibly unavailable and unattainable if i get this other class on thursday and friday nights.

i have to take it. i have a class on tuesday nights, as it is.

and i wonder why im doing this? i have to make it pay off, my investment in this art.

*****
brunch today with eloco. i havent seen her in months. we tried, last time she was here, but it was just bad timing.

when is it ever a good time with me?

when is the window of opportunity open long enough and wide enough to let me pass through?

oh, and later, dines and i have a road trip.

*****
the virgos are celebrating the next few weeks.

its novembers day today; tuesday, its anapis; sunday, a man who still lingers in my heart and soul and memory; monday, the boys father; and sometime after that, its a fucking sexy creatures birthday. and if i miss any, sorry.

but happy birthday all the same.

comforting

we had been drinking the sangria, lazily, and talking about love. yes, i think thats the subject we were in.

and i said, it doesnt matter, you know? he wont ever talk to me again.

why not?

because i hurt him. i fucked up in a nasty way, and he wont ever talk to me again.

oh, come on.

im serious. listen, hes a virgo.

well, he wont talk to you now. he patted his chest and made a face. hes hurt. it will take awhile. a year, three. but he will talk to you again.

no, i dont think so, but thank you. it means much.

*****
i love the early mornings when everything is still. i love the night when everything is settling. and a perfect day would be this: me and the boy somewhere by the beach with the dogs sitting lazily. me in front of my computer or behind my camera, the boy swimming in the clean waters.

me organizing my photos and saving them on my external drive, the boy running up and down the sand.

i need to get away. just find some solace and peace.

for sure in january/february, when im off, im going to visit the art school. maybe theyll offer me a job?

if so, then ill be set. i can live off of it. live in the city, just like ive always wanted to.

time to declutter and purge.

inspirational

i love hillary clinton. listening to her speech at the dnc makes me feel empowered. and what perfect timing.

theres a brick wall, and i run into it all the time when it comes down to my happiness in terms of career.

when i ended things with the exbf, it felt good to have freedom again. to be able to come home without fear that i will find him passed out, drunk. to buy alcohol without wondering if its going to be gone before i had one drop of it.

and so i promised myself to always choose inner peace, freedom, and privacy. to choose my child over a man.

which is so contrary to my nature because i love men. i love sex.

but someone changed me and my perspective. he taught me to expect quality and never anything else. he taught me to respect myself and whoever im with. and with the benefit of amazing sex, thats why he was in my life.

im at a curious place in my life now. my son is growing, changing. hes in football, another added thing to our busy schedule, and im excited but cautious.

im burned out with the educational system in this monolith known as lausd. theres something in this district that makes people so negative, and i dont want to be it anymore.

i wish i had a shield besides my skin from the freaks and the weirdos...and i pray im not becoming one. dines said ive been negative, and oh my, i have to agree with her.

so, look. i need to do something wild.

i need to take a step forward towards something greater than what ive been settling for.

im scared to death about applying to the art school because i dont know if ill get in. and if i did, would i make the move?

yes, dear God, yes, i would.

im so ready to say good bye to this city, to my friends, to my family. im ready to feel the fear, to feel the loneliness, to have change.

because then it means i feel.

and lately, i havent been feeling anything lately.

desensitized.

numb.

comfortable in it.

but if i meet some delicious man who will allow me to feel, then id take it.

always.

the language of longing

i had a small mini anxiety attack yesterday at barnes and noble in burbank while i was waiting for my sons flight to arrive.

if you heard this mans lecture, then youd know that one of the lessons hes learned was to be truthful to yourself. and my friends, sadly, i have not been.

if i were to just not mince any words, this is what i would say: i hate poly. i hate the toxic earth its on. i hate the rigorous pace of programming. i hate the freaks and the crazies. i hate who i am when im there.

but of course, its not always bad. i have good friends. there are some amazing kids who touch my life. and sometimes, i have hope. i am inspired.

lately, though, work life has been somewhat blah. im not into it at all.

so, ive made a decision about my future as a counselor and as a photographer. in having an honest conversation with my soul, ive decided that im going to walk away.

yes, i know that ive made this decision before, but i felt that there was more to do, more people to meet, more students to help. and i left the upper grades in the hopes and the belief that the tenth grade center was a better way.

and it is. but just the past two days, vida has really given me, lorco, and cricu a spanking...and what burns me is that she knows little to nothing about the intricacies of this job. and you know why? because shes a fucking delegator. but you cant be a competent delegator if you dont know the jobs youre delegating.

im not going to stress about this. really. im going to be very passive and nonreactive. im going to do what is asked of me without judgement or argument, and when its time, im so gone.

so, where to go? dines said that jija is retiring at the end of this year. im going to call him up, and im going to see what i should do. then im going to call armi and ask her if theres a chance i can get in.

if not glendale, then im out anyway.

i bought a book this weekend about sacred spaces. along with it, i purchased a book about careers in photography.

i also got a chance to write in my leather journal.

some updates: im sick of igra. really. he so reminds me of my exfriend, and before our friendship sours, im going to leave it alone. hes got so many girls after him, so he wont miss me if i quietly slip away.

im going to take two classes in three nights. i wont have a man for awhile, but its all good. i just need this time to finish up this shit.

now, if i meet someone who will absolutely not demand anything from me in terms of time or affection or commitment, and if he understands how he will not be a priority, then i can do it.

where to find him? or rather, how will he find me?

ah, sleep.

hope you all had a great weekend, mama mia.

happy

the condition of my being is this: love is all around. not in my life, not currently, not yet...but its here, in my heart, in my skin, in the faces of my friends, everywhere.

the wonderfully talented luro is in love, and his life is amazing. first, hes got this woman who hes partners with in music and movies, and second, his movie won an award at indie fest. i found this out while in recon, and i dont need to talk to him ever because the time we shared was sweet and special, but it was oh so long ago.

jado has a crush, and i think that little girl has a crush on him back. hes so cute, and my heart is very warmed.

in the middle of tot, the boys father called confirming that all is set for tomorrow. i was tired, so i was a bit curt with him. id rather not deal.

this week has been amazingly long. exhausting.

tomorrow, after the airport, im going to come home, shower, get under the covers, and sleep.

i should be home no later than 6.

i cannot wait.

clarification

just want to make this crystal: the last post was about someone who i consider a friend.

nothing more.

nothing less.

right now is not the time for me to be thinking of anything longterm or short term. ive got to take care of this kid who has completed day one of hell week for football.

and im going to take more classes. have to. must.

ive lost the artistic touch to juggle and balance my life, so for now, i concentrate on one thing at a time.

focus: child.

focus: school.

focus: work.

focus: photography.

focus: making photography into an income.

focus: me.

its challenging, you know? this week alone, im going to be home one night before the boy goes to see his father.

tonite was a fundraiser at el torito. i really love some of the people i work with.

tomorrow, dapel and vansa will meet me at the yardhouse in pas to drink and nosh.

the boy leaves on thursday, and dines invited me (guilted me) to her going away party from wilson because shes now a teacher specialist. im not going to go. id rather go to yoga.

friday, im going out with gaya. saturday, lunch with mon, dapel, and hopefully vansa.

i wanted to go to the sunset junction, but im not feeling it. id rather just catch up on sleep and cocoon up in my little space.

sunday, i pick up the boy, and until i have to, im going to sleep.

im so fortunate, you know? i love the blessings and grace given to me every day.

its an amazing time.

an explanation, an understanding

i remember the night i first noticed him. it was sunday, in one of the rooms hfya used for meetings, and there was a guest speaker.

i had forgotten the topic, but this is what he said, well, its like the pleasure pain principle.

honestly, i hadnt heard what he said before or after. didnt even look at him until he said those words.

and i giggled. to myself, of course. i dont think many understand the how i could all at once deeply committed to my faith and still have bits of depravity.

but like so many areas of my life, i can separate the two and tend to them equally, though i havent had the chance to practice the latter.

when i listened to him, i had one thought in my mind: he and i will either be friends for life or mortal enemies.

thank God, its the previous. and it is a gift, his friendship. i cant remember a time when we werent laughing at senseless, raunchy jokes that no one else got, and i think it drove them mad. we played off of each others dirty minds; yet, there is a connection of wit.

he saved my life, once. not because i was in physical danger, but i was teeteering on emotional peril. see, it was when i first started search, and i was questioning everything good and still focusing on negatives.

he was there to guide me with his words, without judgment and without shoving his beliefs down my throat. he talked to me, made me laugh, and he was there to do it the following week.

when there was a lockdown, i called him. it was rather impulsive, and in a way, desperate: i had no one else to call. no. rather, i didnt want to call anyone else.

he was at work, and i know he was busy, but he entertained me, calmed me, and dear God, joked with me, and it allowed me to take control of my thoughts instead of spiraling.

there was a time when life took over, and we didnt see each other for awhile. years, i think...or months, maybe.

the first time we went out, he told me about the ending of a long term relationship, and i felt his pain then. the loneliness, the change that was not wanted but necessary, the fear of losing identity when someone leaves us, the anxiety of not being enough or being too much.

he walked in to the restaurant with his shoulders slouched, and his usual stature was reduced because of the shock of goodbye.

we drank tea, iced for me and hot for him. he talked. he needed to. i just listened. that was the only thing i can offer. and it was probably the best thing. advice? pshaw...it would have fallen to deaf ears.

eventually, he started going out again, meeting girls, women. gettting attention, and well deserved because hes very enchanting.

ive told him all this before, so nothing is new, surprising.

so, last thursday, we hung out.

i talk to many in a day, both men and women. flirt with many, too, yet, i thirst for his company.

and we go months without seeing each other, without communicating through email or by phone. so, its no wonder that whenever we see each other, and wherever we end up, we usually talk til closing time.

well, at least we did the other night. our server asked, is this the first time youve seen each other in a long time?

yes, it is, i said.

so, we left the restaurant, and when we got to my car, i showed him some prints, and i gave him one that was a stark play of lines and curves, of light and shadow. it wasnt subtle at all, it was in your face sharpness.

when i developed it in june, i knew right away, i wanted to give it to him. he may have been one of the few to appreciate the architecture. but his brilliance would have delved deeper so he can interpret it in a way i wanted to hear.

that is only the third print ive given away as a gift. art is subjective, so i never know how it will be received. its a risk for me, an anxiety building action, and i hold my breath for reaction.

we drove to the building after, and i showed him the church i wanted to photograph. we drove past the colorado bridge next, where i had a photoshoot yesterday.

the lightning was a dramatic backdrop for the drive to the station where he parked his car. it was intense, this display from mother nature, and i loved it.

as a photographer, im always aware of light or lack of it. the moon, sunset, sunrise, candles, lightning, a street lamp, fire from the fireplace, christmas lights...all sexy sources to light skin, shoulders, faces, hands.

when we got to his car, we talked more. talked of the here and now, of disclaimers spoken at the beginning of relationships, of intimacy, of intention, of hurting, and of being hurt.

sometimes, i wonder if ill ever run out of things to say to him, but this i know: when he gets out of my car, when i hug him goodbye, my mind has already had a million conversations with him before i hit the freeway that leads me home.

fabulous

had a photo shoot today of dove love and her fiance, and i got some great shots; however...

i am completely, fabulously, amazingly uninspired.

i dont know what i need to get a jump start again because lately, i have not had the creative juices to tell you all about dinner the other night, about the tot subject of intimacy without regrety, and just about life in general.

it was great, you know, to meet up, drink, and talk until 130 in the morning with a friend, a good friend, who will remain a friend without benefits because i just dont feel it.

i also need to take off. im thinking of taking off two weeks again on my next break, the week of my birthday and that of the boys. for my birthday, i want to go away. i thought of going to san francisco, of setting up an appointment to visit the sfai, of renting a car, driving alone, and snapping away.

i dont want it to be thought. i want it to be action.

i have to write that damned letter because somehow, i know it will free me.

oh, creative soul.

timing

when are you free? ive missed you, i asked him.

tonite.

oh, dammit. im not free tonite. i have a date.

you do?

yes, and im sorry. my timing is always off.

no, youre wrong.

no, im right. trust me. my timing sucks.

youre where youre supposed to be at any given moment. your timing isnt off, it just means youre not ready.

no, trust me. my timing sucks. you dont know me. you dont know my secrets.

dont tell me all, just tell me one.

ha!

tell me one secret. i have secrets, too.

saved by the beep. hang on, i have to take this call. hey, so that was my date, and im late.

go on your date, then.

okay, so thursday?

yes, that should work. im free on friday and saturday. well, i have a tournament on saturday, and then i have to go to a baby shower, so i wont be ready for you until 7. can you wait until then?

god, i hate that you run from one end to the city to another. youre in a rush. so, no, i dont want you to rush to me.

okay, scratch saturday. thursday, then.

yes. where are you?

work.

still?

yes. you done for the day?

i didnt go in. had to get bloodwork done.

oh?

yeah, im getting married.

i dont believe you, but okay, ill play.

id never kid around about that.

youre not getting married.

yes, i am.

how old is he?

39.

what does he do?

hes an engineer. and hes boring, but hes tamed me.

you may fancy that now, the boringness, but speaking as the greatest engineer, youll get tired of it.

no, its something i need.

can i come? to the wedding, i mean?

yes, of course.

really?

of course, i want you there.

is marba going?

no. do you want to take her as your date?

*****
i saw a movie in big bear that frightened me because it seems parallel to what this thing is with him. its like this: when i have a crush on him, hes in a situation.

and im not even sure that he ever has crushes on me, but if he did, hes never said anything.

but. everyone has their opinion. everyone who sees us together just automatically assumes we are lovers.

how?

ive asked others. and they cant say. they just think we are together.

the conversation tonite took a weird turn, especially after i told a white lie.

maybe its time?

time to do this right...

home

i drove 800 miles and spent at least $2000 the past week, and i feel like i cant go back to work.

well, i can. thats not the problem. i can usually block out so many things in a day, things i dont want to think about, and im successful at it.

but of course, im not naive to think that just because ive suppressed them that my thoughts disappear. i know they find their outlet elsewhere.

*****
im worried. if i listened to everyone who said i had adult onset add, id be on meds by now, but the simple truth is this: my mind just runs faster than the normal joe.

ive found ive become bored so quickly by guys, even the hott ones. i mean, yeah, i can stare at them, but ugh.

however, this one is a fucking hotty that i can watch him and do other things to him. but its only a fantasy.

*****
im not working tomorrow. im stung by the fact that i got $6000 taken out in taxes, and i feel a heaviness in my heart with all thats going on.

but ill be there on tuesday, wednesday, and friday.

*****
what i want to say is too shy to come out right now.

actually, the truth is that i have too many things to say that i cant seem to streamline it.

oh, i need inspiration.

overload

my vacation is essentially over, and with its ending comes an anxiety about returning to work and having to face the fact that i mask my unhappiness by being busy.

and it isnt as if i find things to do...things just happen, and they need to be taken care of, and...well, by the time i know it, the day is over, and i need to collapse from fatigue.

theres so much to say, especially about meeting a woman who was just beautiful with crooked fingers from arthritis, wrinkled skin from too much sun, back that was hunched from osteoporosis, but she had such wisdom and encouraged me to follow my dreams.

have you ever heard anyone play the piano beautifully, she asked me.

yes.

well, have you ever heard him or her practicing? it aint pretty. you have to just do it. force yourself to do your art. its your passion. you cant run away from it.

i told her about sfai and the program that i feel is perfect for me, and she said, oh, do it!

i want to, but im scared.

of course, everyone is scared. but you cant stop yourself. youll have to do it. its your passion.

shes right. i dont know who she is, only that shes an artist in the village at balboa park.

i know that God illuminated a path for me today, and i was inspired. i know there are signs everywhere, and i try to ignore them because of the doubts i have in my heart, but what can i do?

i have to do it. its my passion.

i want to do this.

home tomorrow.

i cant wait.

write to right

we went to la jolla tonite, and all the sights and the smells and the memories came flooding over me like the waves.

the redhaired boy and i spent so much time there at night, after he finished studying (his idea, not mine...i always waited until we got back to study because im so much a night owl), and we had a little area where we sat and watched the waves.

once, we got daring, and we climbed over the fence and sat on some flat rocks to look out into the darkness and vastness of the ocean. he leaned in to kiss me, which lead to lots of kisses and i believe some fondling...when a big wave splashed us and cooled down the heat from our young love.

we looked at each other, soaked, and we laughed it off all the way to his car.

well, it IS getting late, he said.

we drove home to my place, parked his car, and he walked me to my door. it was a nice time. it was a sweet time.

he and i still keep in contact when we can. hes so bad at texting, and ive grown to hate phone conversations, so its very sporadic communication. i guess im always afraid his wife will see something innocent and question it, and then we will have to stop.

i dont want him as a lover anymore, though sometimes, especially when he texted me this at midnight one night: i bless the rope, no matter how long, that keeps us tied together forever i miss him.

its always the case, isnt it, to glorify a past lover? well, i must be the only one, then, which is fine.

i loved the redhaired boy a lot in a way that was unhealthy and downright scary for both of us. it was through him i discovered what the word passion was. but i was unbridled then, and i was very careless about it.

i loved the fact that i had a boyfriend, but i hated being restrained.

you see, i love freedom, and sometimes, this love for freedom drove me to the beds or cars or empty spaces of others.

i knew i had to end it when one of my affairs made him cry out in a way that sounded like a wounded animal. the best thing to do was walk away; instead, i stayed...we stayed...together for another four tumultuous, unhealthy years.

and i wont do that to myself...or another...again.

*****
when i first started blogging, i read a few with such hunger that i checked on them constantly. i wont link them here because i havent asked for permission, and besides, i dont usually let on that im reading them. i dont leave comments, unless im moved to, and im hardly moved.

ive never considered myself a sex blogger, though ive blogged about sex alot when i was having it, but there are some out there who are and rightfully so.

one thing ive always tried to maintain was privacy. the mentioned ones in my blog were never given real names, and i hope to not be too revealing as to compromise them.

ive documented well the sex between me and w, but if anyone were to read it, i dont think they would know which w it was...unless i told them specifically.

it was a nightmare come true when he found my blog the first time. it numbed me to my core, and i swear, i could have walked away then, but i didnt. it was almost against my willpower to walk away from that man then, and im glad i didnt.

when i told napa the reason why he dumped my ass, she asked me if i was going to take this blog down. i told her i wouldnt because this is the one thing that i will not give up.

im painfully stubborn, and i know this about me. its served me well in some instances, and to control it is a very good thing.

*****
the past keeps coming back to me. we are here, in san diego, and earlier this evening, this boy ims me to ask me who i was.

and i couldnt figure out how i know him until he said his name.

you dumped me, i wrote.

i did?

yes...i remember it. you said that it wasnt the right time or something.

ill have to tell you what happened. do you have a picture of me?

no.

let me send one, this may jog your memory.

golly, that boy is so cute. we immed each other for a few hours, and i told him id like to take pictures of him.

hes down for it.

i just hope i dont bitch out.

i tend to do that these days.

oh, well.

time for bed.

tomorrow, im taking lots of pics!

hott

i have the biggest crush on benjamin bratt. he gets better looking the older he gets.

he kind of looks like luro, which excites the hell out of me, even though luro is now with another.

i saw the poster for the short film he wrote, produced, directed, and starred in...and damn, that mofo is beeyooteefull.

too bad hes a bit...lacking. thats something i couldnt overlook.

sometimes, i wonder what would have happened had i not clumsily declared that it was only a one time thing.

would we be together now? nah.

our lifestyles are just too crazy different.

mountains and ocean

we leave today, this afternoon, for san diego. the ocean has a beautifully lovely effect on my soul and mind, which are both undergoing some turbulence.

i cant do this anymore, cant stay here in this city that has lost its allure for me a year after i left it so many years ago.

my skin, my spirit, my senses have suffered too much attack by the dirt, the senselessness, the irrationality found in this city that i have to escape.

yes, i know. i can leave this city, but my ails will follow me.

but at least ill have some beauty to look at.

i have an agent in big bear looking for some houses for me. i want to leave by next year, have the boy start high school up there by next august, and just check out of here.

i still want to get my mfa, thats still my plan, and i will not abandon it.

and the boy will still go away to a university, too. thats non-negotiable.

*****
i came back from the mountains yesterday, and instantly, my whole presence felt so disgustingly dirty because of the pollution here.

the mountains are so clear and the air beautiful.

i met up with dapel to go to a conference about colleges that change lives. i want to get the book and read about it.

on the way there, fred called me.

the authorities know who shot and killed that boy on friday.

the killer is my former student, one of the most talented and gifted artist who read steinbeck and salinger.

the media has it so twisted. the dead is not so innocent. and the killer isnt as heartless as made out to be.

both had issues, maybe not with each other, but certainly with fucked up family dynamics.

im so glad im not there. i dont know how long it will be before i break, how much more i can take before i overflow.

*****
i know soon, it will be time to stop resisting the male touch.

i dont want to go back to my ways before i met w, but what if thats my destiny?