le estrane

i bump into my friend today, and he looks startled to see me. i havent been to work for the last two days, and i shouldnt have gone in today, but im too loyal to the cesspool.

his face is a blur. he is gorgeous, though, this i remember clearly. he has dark brown hair, light skin, and eyes that express two things simultaneously: desire and self-control.

hello, i say.

hello.

ive missed you.

ive missed you, too.

see you later.

bye.

and that is our exchange. i honestly do miss him.

i miss talking to him about issues that become convoluted because he analyzes them to death.

i miss his smile, the way he looks at me, looks away, then looks at me again.

i miss his voice, monotone. but when he is excited, the pitch rises, and i cant help but laugh. ive pointed this out more than once, and he blushes every time.

i miss his hair, the way it falls over his eyes.

i miss the closeness we once share.

pride keeps us apart. pride, sexual tension, and plain fear. mostly on his part, but i share the blame.

ive pushed him away, pulled him back, let him wait for me. hes done the same. the dance becomes boring after you learn the steps.

he leaves for argentina this july. i leave the center for good in june. we probably wont see each other again, although i remember how his panic of not hanging out cover his being before we part for christmas vacation.

he feels something for me then and isnt afraid to show it. but now. now, it feels like weve both put up fences and neither of us want to climb over them to play in each others backyards.

hes hurt me, and ive hurt him. we do it intentionally, accidentally. we hurt each other, but we go back.

this time, its different. hes had it with the competition. ive had it with his inability to act upon what he wants.

i express myself better with written words. in the past, this has worked when i needed to communicate my feelings without him interrupting. maybe ill try one more time. and if he rejects it, which hes never done, ill try again.

i see my pattern with boys. its the same with igra and my friend and the countless ones in between. the only time i changed the predictability is with november.

what i know is this: i am so clueless about boys. so dumb, so helpless. if things werent pointed out to me, i would miss them completely. i remember being an expert onthe subtleties of a boys words, of his movement, of his intent. but now, i need a guide to help me.

its because ive become simple. either a boy is interested in me or not. simple. if he likes me, he shows it. if he doesnt, he shows it, too. if he is interested, he doesnt constantly remind me of my status as friend. if he isnt interested, then he treats me as a buddy.

i love that november and i become intimate with our thoughts. i love that i tell him that his is the last voice i want to hear because now, hes made sure it is. i love this, but at the same time, i regret it, too.

hes not the one. i want him to be, but i have to resign from that way of thinking.

just another thursday

november calls today at around 1 p.m. he laughs when i answer, the usual way he begins our phone conversations, and says that i always sound like im out of breath when i talk to him. we talk about everything except last night. and im glad.

he tells me what his afternoon looks like and concludes by saying that he just wants me to know what hes up to. i dont know why he does this if we are "just friends." i dont usually sync my itinerary with my good friends, let alone someone i meet a couple of weeks ago. whatever.

i feel distant from him now, and i fear that my attention and interest are waning. it isnt entirely his fault; i should be more forgiving. but its too early in our friendship to start this shit.

this shit meaning bringing up voodoo and esl and making me feel guilty that he chooses me. i think i will teach him a lesson. he wants to all go out together, so next time, im going to let them come along, and then i will mysteriously get a phone call saying i need to leave.

voodoo and esl are vultures. they feed off carcasses, in this case, men. they cant get their own, so they hover around me and attack the boys when im not around. as such is the case last night.

november is a victim, and i tell him so. he doesnt believe me, so he will have to learn the hard way. oh, well. dont come running to me. im one foot out the door as it stands.

how can he redeem himself? im not sure if he can or if i want him to. i dont like games. i like simplicity. and while we are operating under the guise of friendship, i know there is tension and jealousy on his part. he isnt honest about this.

i really did like him, and i wish this lasted longer than now. he makes plans for us to walk at a relay for life in mid-april, and im not quite sure if i will attend. voodoo and esl will be there for company, so he can hang out with them.

i dont know his motives for bringing up those two idiots, but if they are to make me jealous or to anger me, then hes gone about it the wrong way. he says that this brings us closer because we talk. i tell him that this is pushing me away, and if he wants to talk to me, all he has to do is start talking.

reconsider

perhaps the two-hour rest i have the night before last, the sexual tension between us, and the illness infesting my immune system cause me to be too hasty in posting that entry last night after meeting with november.

after seeking counsel from two wise, sane friends, i have cause to reconsider my decision. however, the ultimate decision rely on how he and i interact on saturday, if i go out to meet him and his brothers.

thank you, dear ones, for your support. i will post about the dinner, and any advice or swift kick in the ass will be most welcomed.

bombed

we meet at the restaurant, and he is so sweet. but then the fight began. and now its over.

he said that he needed to tell me something, but he didnt.

so thats that.

bombed.

in preparation

im getting ready to take a shower before i meet november. i have not been this excited to meet someone in so long.

i make him two cds entitled "a soundtrack for the night before" and " a soundtrack for the morning after." dont let the titles mislead you, gentle readers. our relationship has not gotten off to that kind of start.

i happen on to exbfs blog today, and i feel incredibly numb to it. he is happy, in love, and he deserves it. his fiancee seems to love him, too, for which i am glad.

i must admit, i think he has chosen a better lifestyle, and i publicly thank him for risking it not only for them, but also for me. i know that i wouldnt have moved on if he hadnt because he is what i like to refer to as my safety net. there is a time when i think i am the love of his life, that i have been burned into his heart and soul, but thankfully, i am wrong.

how i feel for november, especially in this early stage, has never before been welcomed in my life. november makes me feel calm, relaxed, and trusting. i feel i can rest in his glow without wondering if the feds are going to wake us up in the middle of the night, or if someone from his past will come creeping in, or if im going to be caught off guard by some secret.

none of this exists in my realm of existence with november. he is a man who embodies all of the very best things of my past lovers and relationships. i can wait to be with him in the biblical sense because i know that it will be forever if it happens. he is not someone who takes these things lightly.

he is a man. i love this very much. but he is also a boy, and this is what captures me. i do not know where this relationship will lead. we may end up being the best of friends or the best of lovers. either way, it will be for the best.

an awesome person tells me, "good is the enemy of the best." i agree.

foiled

dines and i meet for lunch, and we discuss the conversation that november and i have last night.

we need to reschedule friday, he tells me.

oh, why?

because dinos wife changed the birthday celebration for friday because i told her that i might not make it on saturday since i was going to watch the ucla / lsu game with my brothers.

so, when do you want to see the movie?

saturday.

but you are going to watch the game.

it starts at 6 and will probably end at 8.

okay, then we can catch a 9 o'clock show.

well, i was thinking that you can come - if youd like - to the bar to watch the game with me and my brothers and their friends.

you want me to watch the movie with you and your brother?

brotherS.

oh. how about you spend time with them, and then later on, we meet.

but id like for you to meet them.

i dont do well with people.

yes, you do. itll be fun.

maybe youll find me distracting, and ill keep you from watching the game.

no, youll have a good time with my family.

uh. im not sure about this, so i let it go. i change the subject, and we stick to safe subjects again.

when we get off the phone a half-hour later, i masturbate to the image of him eating me out and making me cum with his fingers, and finally with his dick.

i relate the conversation to dines, and she is amazed that i dont want to meet his family. she reminds me how often he tells me that his family is important to him. i love him for wanting to include me. it makes me want to be a better person.

dines and i scheme up a plan for her to accidentally show up at starfucks at around 9ish tonite. we get the opening line, the look of surprise, the excuse of why she is there down to a tee...and then he calls me midafternoon to tell me that he wants to go to twoheys instead.

and he says we will talk about something later. what the hell? maybe its nothing. maybe its him finally telling me that he is involved with someone else.

i can feel my fears surfacing, and i am beginning to take comfort in its arms, especially when im interested in someone.

i want to rest with november, to spend the next 50 years with him. i want to marry this man, to have his child, and to wake up next to him for the rest of my life.

poison

i hate my job, and it is because the environment is poison. i can think of only a few reasons i stay, and mostly it is for the money and to make time until i am able to work as a counselor in june.

this annoying shit i work with is a closet fag. there is another closet lesbian who have the same mannerisms as he does, and they both poison the air when they are around.

now, before i continue, i have to say that i am a fag hag. the ones who are comfortable with their sexuality and feel unthreatened by me. i have been hit on by women, and while i am flattered, i know that that is a fantasy i will not engage in. i attract homosexuals because i accept them. i feel comfortable around them, value and appreciate their humanness in a way i dont respect many.

this has nothing to do with sexual preference. in fact, sexual preference has nothing to do with anything other than that: sexual preference.

what this has to do with is that these two asswipes in the closet are miserable and destructive. i would love the center the same way i came in: quietly and unnoticed. i do not want a going away party, i do not want any false promises of keeping in touch, i do not want any hugs from people i know i have disliked the last 4 years.

what i want is this. i want it to be uneventful from now until june. i want to have minimal contact with those two assholes, as well as the asshole administrators. the latter part is easy because they are like mice: they are never around when people are. they are incompetent and stupid, and in all honesty, their very presence kills the liveliness that once haunted the center.

it is not in me to be so negative, but i must relieve myself of this poison by using this forum. i hope nothing bad towards them, but if they both disappeared into a black hole in some alternate universe with their being in tact, i would celebrate.

i know i must be careful what i wish for because i might just get it, and in the past, i have been fortunate enough for my wishes to come true. its not always good, but then again, it wasnt always bad.

november has a secret

sunday night, a little past midnight.

so, the other night, you asked me if i would confide in you with my secrets, i start.

yes.

well, im wondering why you asked that.

i was just curious if you would open up to me.

you know, november, i feel that i can trust you with a lot of things. in fact, in such a short time, i have opened up to you more than to a lot of other people. its important to me that you understand that i dont trust many people because they havent earned it or i havent given them a chance, but with you, i am confident that you wont judge me.

i wouldnt judge you at all. the past is the past. we all have it. besides, i guess i was mostly asking myself that question.

you were projecting on me?

yes.

you have a secret to tell me?

yes.

so...what is it?

well, i was going to tell you about it tonite when we got coffee, but we didnt get the chance.

tell me now.

no, not now. but you probably know what it is anyway.

i do?

probably.

hhhmmm...is it the kind where ill say "ooohhh, tell me more" or the kind where ill say "oh, really? wow."

youll probably say "oh, really? wow."

okay. well, youll tell me your secret when you are ready, and when you are ready, ill be here to listen, okay?

okay.

just dont tell me you killed someone and got away with it or that you abused someone. im a mandated reporter.

ah, thats right.

so, what is it?

no, not tonite.

dare i say it? the more i get to know him, the more we talk, the more we are around each other, the deeper i fall for him. i. am. falling. in. love. with. him. and all this before the first kiss.

i would even have his child. and all this before the first touch of his bare skin against mine.

he is an amazing person. such quality in his character. i am grateful for his presence in my life. i cannot wait for more. and if we spend the rest of our lives together, holding hands, praying, raising a family, i would be more than lucky.

not that i know how he feels about me. he has said that it is difficult for him to express his feelings. he has been hurt, but then again, who hasnt? im surprised at myself. i open up to him so effortlessly, so willingly.

he can have me in any way he wants. and i would have him in the same way.

november goes out with the girls

i am inspired to write him a letter last night before we meet for dinner, movie, and coffee. i write him a short note while talking to dines. it couldve been better, but i know with november, its not just a one-time thing.

we meet 10 minutes after the decided time. he looks good in work clothes. we sit at the table and wait for the girls. i give him the note, and i ask him to read it when he is alone.

finally, the girls arrive, we order dinner, and he asks me to say grace. i need to unwind, i can feel myself unrelaxed. the conversation is good, flowing. it is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

we get to the theatre, enter the second door to our right, and he sits next to me. once, he comes really close to me as if he is going to say something, but then backs away. i think he says something about me smelling good.

then, there is a point in the movie where the plot becomes clear, and he grabs my knees, squeezes, and i am left wondering if it really happens because it happens so fast.

the movie ends, and we plan to get coffee afterwards. i protest at the first choice, they reject my offer, and so we end up looking for a starfucks. on the way there, i decide to ride with the girls. they admonish me as if ive done something wrong by not riding with him.

when we stop to figure out where to go, i ask him if he would like for me to ride with him, and without hesitation says yes.

there things i find out about him that warms my heart. i love being around him, talking to him, making him laugh. if this were to move in another direction, how would i feel if i lost his friendship?

he asks me the other day what i look for in a guy, and if i would like to have more children. to be honest, i wouldnt want to, but i had a vision once of him holding our child. that was scary.

i get home last night at 12:30 in the morning, and he calls me at 1:00. we talk for 2 hours. i have no clue what is going on, but i love it. i feel comfort in his presence.

the heart of my child

mom, can we give that guy a dollar?

who?

the guy right there, asking for money. the sign says hes homeless.

i dont bother to look. since when is this little sleepy pocket of la attracting bums? we order our dinner, and the change i get has a few dollar bills.

here, sweetie. you can give this to him.

he rolls down the window, and the man comes over.

thank you, son, and God bless you.

thank you.

and God bless you, too. he peers into the car to bless me.

thank you. have a good night.

mom, that felt good.

what did, honey?

seeing the face of the person i give money to.

why?

because i can tell they are really thankful. its different when we give money to the church. i dont know who is receiving it.

the poor and the needy receive the money, baby.

i know. but i dont know them. i dont see them.

youre right.

i love this child. i love his generosity. i love how he reminds me to be kind when it is easy to forget. i love how he wants to help those less fortunate than us. i love that he thinks of others instead of just thinking of himself. i love that ive taught him right.

kaldi

last night, november, anapi, marba, and i go to kaldis for hot chocolate. november paid for the drinks, which i find both sweet and annoying. im not sure how i feel about his chivalry, mostly because im not used to it, but mainly, it isnt my thing.

we laugh a lot, talk a lot, and anapi brings up the leftover. it is innocent enough, but november becomes curious about this. i tell him that it is nothing, that im not interested in this guy, but i think that anapi might like him. heres the kicker. when i tell her about the leftover and how i think about giving her his number, she asks if i think about her before or after kissing him. she knows how i judge a mans sexual performance by how well he kisses and dances.

november is so awesome. last night, he takes a lot of opportunities to touch my arm when he makes a comment or a joke. i find this comforting. and naturally, i touch him, too, when i talk. there is such a comfortability between us that i worry if we will always just be friends or if there is to be more.

i sense a tinge of jealousy when someone mentions igra to him. igra and i are friends, nothing more and certainly nothing less. i prize this person, his intelligence, his kindness, his patience. i know, though, that igra is not a push over, and he will shove your ass hard if you make him.

tomorrow, november, anapi, marba, and i are watching inside man. this should be fun, a nice way to end the week. i love being around november. talking to him almost every day just satisfies me to no end. however, he is still hurting over his divorce. i know this because he doesnt talk about it when i bring it up. and i respect that.

i am so blessed to have good people in my life. its been such a long while since ive been around goodness. it brings out a part of me that is a stranger, but one that i would like to know.

....zzzzzz....

this is how i feel, and this is how my life is going at the moment. actually, there is much to report, but it seems too drab on this beautiful, sunny southern california day. so, for now, im going to hang out until its time to go to the gym then see november later. with a bunch of other people. one is his stalker. the other is the bitter pill that gets on his nerves.

he is such an awesome energy. he and i will be friends for life. for this, im glad.

a happy belated birthday

exbf, may you live a long life surrounded by love and filled with health and happiness. may you have the happiest of birthdays with the one you love and the one who loves you.

purging

i am going to purge my friend from my life because he is not a good friend. we are supposed to see night watch tonite, but neither of us call the other to confirm that we will be watching the movie. im glad because i am so tired from the long day i have.

today is the first beyond the bell, and i love my students. they are so awesome and fun, and i wish i can be a counselor at ghs. so if it is meant to be, it will be. but if it isnt, then it wont. this i accept.

november and i play phone tag today. it is so awesome talking to him, so uplifting, and i love it. he is really becoming such a good friend.

he is showing me that he has great character, unlike many im surrounded by. and while i do not normally trust guys, he makes me feel so comfortable, like he wouldnt disrespect me or make me mistrust him. that is so needed, so wonderful, so important. it is a feeling i have not had in such a long time.

i know my life is so full right now, and i know that he worries about this. he wonders if i have time for him, and in a previous conversation, i tell him ive learned how to balance my life. i fit in people i want to spend time with, and i do not do something i do not want to do unless i am absolutely forced to do it.

i have to admit, i love the slow pace of the friendship that is budding between me and november. it is fresh and developing, and it is sweet. this is something so new to me that it scares me, but it also strengthens me. he makes me laugh, smile, feel warm and fuzzy. and for now, this is more than enough.

the rain

november calls, as promised, when he arrives at city walk. we talk about video games...old school video games like pacman, asteroids, galaga, and big dog.

big dog? ive never heard of that. are you sure youre not making things up to impress me? i ask.

no, i think that was the name. i cant remember.

he is so funny, so fun, so relaxing. he is my human joint. no, not my human joint, just a human joint. he is a sweetheart. i love it.

so, though i love it, i still think of the exbf. just lately. since ive seen his picture. which ive checked again.

he looks real shitty. his hair is receding, i think. he doesnt look happy. but who am i to judge? i secretly am happy that he looks bad, while i look better now than when i was with him. im aging gracefully, trying to lose weight, but looking younger than i have in years.

its because the stress of being with exbf is lifted, and i no longer have to worry that i will come home to his drunken ass passed out. it is such a relief to find all of my twenties in my wallet, knowing that no one takes the cash when im asleep.

he is gone now; he cant hurt me. but sometimes, when im driving home from work, i will instinctively reach for the phone to call him. and then i remember that he is not mine anymore. that he is somewhere else with someone else, and i smile.

i love the rain. its so cleansing.

november calls

this afternoon, i am in a cranky mood for no reason in particular except that my job is really affecting me in a negative way when november calls.

my first thought is that he is going to tell me something about our plans or inquire about tomorrow night, but he does neither. he calls to just chat on his way home.

i miss this. i miss having someone call me up out of the blue to just talk. my cell phone bill tells me that many people call to just talk. my consumption of minutes costs me some major bucks, but im not going to change my allotment again.

november asks me my provider, and he utters a loud yes under his breath that was audible enough for me to hear. when i put him on hold for a few moments, he tells me that its no problem since we have free minutes.

i tell him today that i have a shitty day, and that he is one of the few people i would call to make me feel better. he is so positive, so sweet, so nice. normally, i would be bored, but with him, its actually...nice.

i have outgrown the bad boys. i roll my eyes at the tattoed, pierced, rebellious. i cant run with that crowd anymore. its tiresome and energy-consuming. have i become an old fart? was i always?

november doesnt drink, except on st pats day. i love that. i love that he is so into his niece, and i wonder if he wants kids. he probably does, and if this is going to go further, it might be something we need to talk about.

i dont want anymore kids. i dont like the whole pregnancy, delivery, night feedings, doctors visits, stollers, cribs, burping, enrolling in school, etc. i love the boy that i have, but i do not and will probably not have anymore kids.

this presents a problem, i realize, if and when i meet someone who wants to marry and have a family. ive been raising the boy alone, and while i dont have it down perfectly, i havent fucked up so much that he will need therapy when he is older. perhaps the idea of having a two-parent household is good and enticing, but im going to pass.

november seems he would be a lovely parent. i dont know him all that well, but he cares for his niece so his brother and sister-in-law could have time off. and he enjoys it. that melts my heart on this chilly night.

i dont want anymore kids. ive said this already, but i am so sure with every fiber of my being that i do not want to be a parent again. i love my life the way it is. i love my son, my dogs, my messy house. the only things missing are the man who is meant to be with me and my dream job.

tomorrow night, november is going to join the gang at city walk. he is looking forward to it, except i am not going. he says he will call me on his way there.

a girl can get used to this. be careful what you wish for, you just might get it.

my worst enemy

...is me. you know how that goes, right?

you think the best of everyone, but you are your own worst critic.

you protect everyone you love from the pain this world might cause, but you neglect yourself.

you give praises freely, but you are hesitant to accept compliments and try to minimalize them or just ignore them.

you love someone so hard, but you dont love yourself enough.

i take the day off to go to a meeting to support voodoo (who actually gives a wonderful presentation). i am home now, and i decide to check in on the exbf. why? dont ask. he hasnt been online for awhile, so i check his profile. and i discover more things about him that still rips me apart.

his fiancee is a grandma, and she is younger than i am. she posts pictures of him and her and the baby, but they are not on the same shot. he looks like shit, but his eyes still break my heart. she is...interesting looking.

but enough dwelling in that place.

i call november earlier to invite him to see insider man.

he accepts. he asks if i am going tonite, i say no, he seems genuinely disappointed. i tell him about friday night, and he assumes im going, but when i say im not, he seems genuinely disappointed again.

we are going to see the movie in two weeks, when it opens. it is going to be fun, and i am glad that he and i are hanging out. he makes me laugh. this is what i need right now.

on touching

i thought about what you said the other day, you know, about being touched, i say.

yeah, i love it. im not talking about with clothes off. im talking about being held.

uh, i think its habit. i think its habit now to not want to sleep next to someone.

i think its the best when someone touches me, like a massage or something.

hhhmmm...i read somewhere that you need at least 8 hugs a day to be sustained. and what about babies who are in orphanages who dont get touched. they grow up frail, with low immune systems...

...yeah, and they dont know how to act when they are touched. you know what i hate the most? people who are bad huggers.

i think ive become one of them. lies, lies, lies. im an excellent hugger. i feel myself stiffen when someone hugs me, and i especially dont like the stick-out-the-butt-pat-pat-pat hug.

yeah. bad huggers. they really piss me off. i want someone to give me a good hug. a strong hug.

i think i just have to practice. are we still on for saturday? dont say yes if you arent going.

yes, i can make it on saturday.

what plans do i have for my friend? none. absolutely none at all. i am so unattracted to him. he comes over today to borrow money and to get tea. he mentions that hes so needy, and i ask him why he has been lately, and he says that its good to need people.

hes right. he needs me. i need him. its what friendships are all about. needing. and touching? hhhmmm...

any thoughts?

night watch

my friend comes in today from the rain looking healthy.

i saw an exellent movie this weekend, i tell him.

oh, yeah? which?

night watch. i thought of you the whole time, how you would like it. i want to take you.

okay, that sounds good. find out, and let me know.

cool. im kind of busy this week, but how about tomorrow??? im taking wednesday off.

the beginning of the week is hard for me. how about friday?

friday? i work on saturday early.

well, just find out, and let me know, and ill come out to where its playing.

okay, and i know youll enjoy it. its got russian girls. arent you attracted to them?

yeah...theyre hot.

good, so then lets see it this week or something.

okay. gotta go. peace.

gaya and i talk after he leaves. he seems eager to hang out. hes been very friendly lately, attentive, sweet. something is up.

im torn. a part of me just wants to talk about what is going on between us, all the unspoken tension that needs to be relieved.

but another part of me - the more rational side - shouts that he is such a girl when it comes to these things. that he is jealous and insecure, but he is too proud to admit it. well, he admitted it once.

i think hes proceeding with the divorce. i havent talked to him about it because its really none of my business, and also because once, when i ask, he tells me he is sick of talking about it.

why dont we have chemistry? we have this connection, at least i think we do. but its so not smooth. we havent been on the same page for awhile, but because we have a friendship that is strong, we have made it this far.

i will take friendship over anything because it is priceless. i have ruined far too many friendships (well, actually, not that many, but one is one too many) because we give in to the chemical need to connect. and the fucked up thing is that the friendship is much better than the sex. ironic.

hes been acting weird the last three days. heres proof: (1) while he usually greets me good morning or peace or see you, lately, hes been saying my name with it. this is unlike him. (2) after he says my name, he looks into my eyes, then looks away. maybe its because he doesnt want to look at me, but he acts like a shy boy who is too timid to ask a girl to dance at the 8th grade dance. (3) he lies to me on thursday about having a date on friday and saturday. when i ask him on friday his plans for the weekend, he says he has absolutely none. quote, unquote. when i try to prod him to define "none", he doesnt play.

i love my friend. he walks to the beat of his own drum, while attempting to be social. hes told me that hes so shy that hes never made the first move. hes good-looking, so naturally, girls are attracted to him, and they have no choice but to do something to get him to react.

i, however, am different. i will wait for him to cave in. he eventually will, this i know. or not. hes got amazing stamina. when we see the brothers karamazov, it takes willpower for him to not make a move on me. thats when he becomes giggly. he looks at me, then he giggles. which makes me giggle. so we are giggly together.

this time, i will not tolerate the gigglyness. i will make it easier for him to do something or not do something. either way, im fine with it.

as for november. i really like him, too. i like how i feel when im with him and after i leave him. i am always left smiling or feeling warm. too bad theres no connection or chemistry with him. but lets see, shall we, what becomes of this.

its official

november and i watch a fantastic russian flick called night watch (nochnoi dozor). it is one of the best movies ive seen in the last six months.

after the movie, he asks me if i am tired or if i want to hang out. we go to hofs hut, and the name makes me laugh. its kind of cheesy somehow.

we are dressed in the same colors from our shirts to our jeans to our jackets, but our shoes are different. i know better than to notice these coinkidinks, but its all fun.

dinner is better this time. we are seated in the patio under a heat lamp away from the rest of the crowd, so the conversation is audible. we laugh more, we talk more, and we seem more at ease.

he tells me tonite that he is divorced. actually, he doesnt volunteer the information freely; i ask him, assuming he would say no. but he doesnt. he says he was married for only a year because his wife cheated on him. bloody hell.

now i know why he is cautious about making a move on me. it isnt that he doesnt like me; its just that he is not about to get hurt again. i know this is very presumptious of me, but he makes more plans to hang out with me, so i assume he likes my company.

its okay if he and i dont ever sleep with each other or engage in a heavy make out session. i like this guy a lot more now than i did earlier. he is a good person, with good intentions, and the fact that he wants to get to know me before he makes a move is telling of the kind of person he is.

i know ive made a friend. if it turns into something more, then im lucky. if all we will ever are friends, then im more than lucky.

hhhmmm...

(1) im really sick of my meager paychecks. but its only for a few more months, then im out of there. ill still make next to nothing, but at least itll be a good time.

(2) tomorrow is movie night with november, and i still havent decided what to watch. im not in the mood actually, but i promise to go, so i will. its just that i wish i were somehow more excited. what the hell is the matter with me that when someone shows interest, i back away? not that hes interested. he just wants someone to watch movies with. and for now, its me.

(3) my friend is a weird creature. yesterday i write him a card that says: im thirsty. come with me to get drinks. after work, he comes over, and he says, i got your card. but im busy today and tomorrow. i have a date.

ugh, i hate that term. i cover my ears.

well, okay, then ill change it. im meeting two friends. one today and one tomorrow. they both happen to be girls.

sounds good.

we make small talk. it has been awhile, but we are in a great mood. we are nice, and we are really cool.

today, he comes over again after work, and i ask his plans for the weekend. he says he has none. at all. we talk about nothing, and when he leaves, i feel empty.

see, i dont know what to make of this thing between us. when he gives me hints, i dont take them. when i give him hints, he doesnt take them, either. perhaps we should stop hinting and start doing.

you know its time to go on vacation when...

you are las vegas

wild and uninhibited, you enjoy all of life's vices.
you're a total hedonist, especially with sex, gambling, and drinking.
you shine brightly every night, but you do the ultimate walk of shame each morning.

famous las vegas residents: wayne newton, howard hughes, penn & teller, siegfried & roy

anyone else want to find out?