hero

yesterday was tough. work and family...two things that i love, yet two things that are slowly driving me to the grave.

i used to think that i had to do it alone, that i wanted to just be solo in this pursuit of life, but here comes a man who loves me and accepts me as i am, without judgement or prejudice.

he said at dinner, if you wanted to leave now, i have saved enough money so that we can live on for a year. i worked from the end of may to now, and i have $xx,xxx saved.

the amount was what i make in a year plus two thousand more.

he said, we dont have to work right away, we can just get the jobs that we want.

but i dont have that much saved.

look, im putting my foot down on this one. you are in a relationship with me. this is our money. this is for us.

and he means it. hes always had a strength that is never forceful or threatening, and i trust him so much.

my phone is acting up, and he told me, please let me buy you a new one. its stressful for me if i couldnt get a hold of you.

i know i need to let him provide. i know i have to let my guard down.

he messaged me yesterday in the afternoon: i want you to need me everyday of your life. i want to protect you, to nourish you, to make you whole.

my response? you are so getting head tonite.

and so, at the end of the night, when little pecks turned to full blown, tummy dropping, knees weakening kisses, i kissed my way down to his cock.

he wasnt hard because he likes it when he grows in my mouth, and when i took him in, i heard this gasp, and i knew i was in the right place.

i love the taste of him, the way his hips thrust while his hands are in my hair, the way he fucks my mouth and my throat.

i can hold him longer and deeper, and i feel his reaction to this.

and when hes about to cum, i have to move away for a second to relax my jaw. hes been the only one with whom ive had to do this because seriously? hes just...well, lets just say.

i take him again, and this time, he is giving in to me, to him, to the release. hes moving so fast in short bursts, his hands in my hair, soft sounds from his lips.

and then...

then he is emptying himself in my mouth, and the night is so beautiful, and this man smells so good, and i love him so much.

i love him with a beautiful energy and a pure heart.

i look for my water bottle, and i drink him down, and i see him looking at me with eyes that look as if theyre high on love, and his lips turn into a sweet sexy smile.

and i know hes recovering from this intensity, and i cannot help but smile.

and he whispers into the night as he looks into my eyes, i love you.

and i realize that i am his.

in love

quiet honestly, it feels as if he has been in my life for longer than what the calendar says. in fact, i dont even remember when it was, the first time, but i do know that even though it was the first time, i immediately felt a kindred spirit with this person.

of course, i pushed him away. of course, i pulled the same old shit in my arsenal, and last night, i told him that i had to, just to be sure that he would stay.

and stay he has.

we walk around the rose bowl or the reservoir, and afterwards, we get something to eat.

he works until 7, and by 8, hes ready to hang out with me.

the other day, he says, im cutting down my work week to four days.

why?

because i work too much.

but your clients need you, and think about the money youre losing.

forget about money. we have plenty.

we dont have plenty. you do.

its not you and me anymore. its us. this is about us. i want to spend more time with you. the reason i worked so much before was because i didnt have anyone in my life.

its flattering, you know, but honestly? i love my saturdays.

i love sleeping in late while the boy is at football practice. i love meeting up with friends while hes at work. i love my time to just be.

but he chooses this, and im not going to protest it.

the other night, when i was straddling him, his cock sliding in and out of me, everything seemed to be happening in a surreal way of moving fast yet very slow.

i leaned back, he was deeper in me, and his hands rubbed my body from my neck down to my stomach. i love when he touches me, when his artist hands touch me, the way he looks at my skin and maybe thinks about what he would ink on me.

it was almost as if i wasnt there, that my essence all of a sudden was just movement and orgasm and touching. i moved back to my original position of straddling him, and he whispers to me, tell me when you are coming.

or maybe i whispered it to him? i dont know.

but soon, we were moving to a rhythm, kissing, grabbing, pulling, darkness enveloping us, and soon, he is grabbing my hair and pulling me down to him, and soon, he is cumming, and i am cumming.

i lie down next to him, and we are breathing hard and sweating. he looks at me and smiles and says, you okay?

yes. are you?

yes.

but we are both trying to come down from that high, and we look at each other again and laugh.

he wipes the sweat from forehead, and he smooths my hair.

i love this man. and im in love with him, too.

at dinner on sunday, after we left manhattan beach where i got some good shots, he said, dont you wonder what it would be like to not work?

yes, all the time. but im going to work.

why?

im not going to waste all the years i went to school.

well, why dont you open your own counseling practice?

i dont want that. besides, i dont think i can listen to problems all day anymore.

then do something else.

like what?

photography.

i cant support myself and the boy on that.

i can.

and so.

i dont know how to take this man.

hes so fucking honest, so fucking sweet.

and yet, hes got this past, these experiences, and when he tells me of them, its as if hes telling me another mans story.

the other night, walking around the rose bowl while holding hands, he says to me, a guy came in today to get work done by the other artist. his wife and daughter was with them. and she was so cute that i thought to myself about adopting.

you should.

i wont pass the screening, not with my mental and past history.

and my heart broke.

i know all about his condition and about his history. he tells me without pride and without shame, but he is remorseful and has been trying to change his ways since.

hes a man whose story would have scared had it been years ago, but now, in our present, it seems to be managable.

i feel safe with him, safe that he will take care of things and provide for me and the boy.

i love his heart, so pure and true. he promises me all the time that theres no room for another, and he wonders why i cannot trust him.

i know why. and its time i go back again to fix this problem, which is why ive been on the phone trying to find someone outside of the fucking kaiser building. i hate it.

i hate kaiser right now. their fucking system sucks. im going to go for blue anthem.

im ready to leave this city and go to sf.

we make plans, he and i, about our escape. and sometimes, at the same time, we both look at each other and say something about leaving.

this is so new, yet it feels so comfortable. like when he takes my hand in his, how perfectly fitted they are. and when we fuck, its just the perfect combination of rawness and passion and connection.

i am in love.

i am in love, and while i do not know where this will lead, i do know that i have been touched by his magic.

breathe

i had to take a day off today to relax, to quiet myself, to write, to read. and yes, anxiety has been my company all morning.

its always like this. i always remember what i have to do, what i shouldve done, what i will have to do tomorrow, and i hate it.

so, im breathing and trying to ignore anxiety while it annoys me and tries to take my attention.

~*~*~

im faking it hard at work.

im so unhappy there, and i drag myself through the day.

the kids are good kids, i love some of the people i work with, but its me.

ive outgrown it. ive tired of it.

and i have to be honest and do something about it.

it all comes down to not only having faith, but taking a leap of it.

its not fair to anyone there, and its especially not fair to me.

so, i have to either put my mind to staying until december...or i have to leave.

thats it. two choices. i have to stay and not bitch. or i have to leave so i can stop bitching.

patterns

everything looks different in the morning...the way a fabric appears in the sunlight versus the moonlight, the thoughts and actions of last night more clear after five hours of broken sleep.

i do not know what it is that happens after i sleep with a man, what changes in me after i have an orgasm or several, what transpires in my synapses to cause me to feel...as if i do not know what im doing.

because i dont.

i like this person, i really do. genuinely. he makes me laugh, even when i dont feel like it, and my whole being is drawn to the safety and comfortablity he provides.

he asks nothing of me because he senses he cannot, yet he gives me what i need the most in any relationship: he gives me freedom.

my stomach is in knots right now because of three little fucking words which escaped from my lips last night at a fucking booth in a restaurant that never fails to suck.

and maybe its the grease and not the fear of such responsibility of not hurting him.

what attracts me is this: who he is contradicts who he is.

dont we all have dual personalities, even if it consists of who we were to who we are? arent we always running away from our past because who we are presently is better, wiser?

if so, then im at an impasse.

i dont know what im doing...and i never did.

okay, maybe im very good at the art of flirting and seduction and drawing a man into my little web. thats how i felt last night. and i have to admit. it felt good.

it felt good to hear how he feels about me, even though ive known since that night when he said i was growing on him like fungus. i guess its because thats when i felt it, too, that he was a good person, kind and giving.

im not intent on doing damage to his emotions, i dont play like that anymore. but eventually i will because i do not know how to stay.

it struck me when he messaged you can run now, as if hes giving me permission or merely stating what it is that i do given my stories of endings with guys.

but he thinks ill run away from him, that ive run away from the others, but in truth, you will find that i run from myself. from my deep rooted fears and insecurities.

we all have them, you say to yourself.

i said to him once, i wish i had that gene that all women have that wants to settle down and be taken care of and be a wife. it would make things easier on me.

but sadly, i dont. or if i do, its delayed in coming out to the forefront.

and i want it, i really do. i want to be loved, and im so blessed and fortunate that most men ive met have been good men, or boys, who really seemed to have wanted to love me. if i let them.

i guess thats my pattern: girl meets boy; boy finds girl mysterious, intriguing, maddening, intoxicating, uncatchable; girl sleeps with boy; boy thinks its more than it really is; girl runs. away. faster. than. light.

look, i didnt make up those words about myself. im just relating how theyve described me. im hardly any of those, except for maddening and uncatchable.

so, im spiraling right now from the confession of last night. not as much as i was when i woke up, which leads me to believe that spiraling isnt bottomless like i thought it was.

hes an awesome person, but really? how do i know? because i see it in his eyes.

~*~*~

i wonder what it would feel like to be rich and live in one of these houses, he said last night as we drove down pch in malibu. how much is rich to you?

when someone has love in his life, when s/he is happy to be doing what theyre doing in their life, when s/he loves God and feels Gods love, when s/he gives and not have to take, when s/he is generous with themselves without feeling like theres not enough left, someone who wants to be loved and accepts it.

i like that. you didnt mention money at all.

money doesnt make us rich. i can make lots of money, and still feel poor.

i know. i know you dont need me for money, that you can do it all on your own.

how do you know?

because youre raising a kid by yourself. and thats a lot.

so it is.

oh, by the way? the kid informs me yesterday that he might be captain of the jv team. the players have unofficially voted him in, and they tell him one by one that hes a shoo in for the position.

how can i feel poor when we are this blessed?

money? it comes and goes, but the feeling of love?

that is abundant.

changes

everything about him is in scenes. its as if i cant remember time with him linearly; i only picture snapshots of our time together.

perhaps its because my mind cannot comprehend what is happening, and it goes back to the power of words.

when i made this list, i didnt actually think that i would fulfill all forty things. in fact, i wrote some just to dare to see if the universe and God would really allow it to be true.

case in point: numbers 25 - 32 in which i dared to love.

so.

its cruel, i think, for a man to get involved with me because right now, im at a point in my life where i dont want to be in a relationship.

however, when he messaged me this today: i think im falling in love with you, m. there, i said it. you can run now i knew we had to have a talk.

hes been struggling lately. this morning, when i woke up, he had messaged this to me while i was asleep: fuck, m, i cant sleep or fucking get you off my mind.

things the last few days have been spotty. and i dont know why. well, i do. its work + the stress i feel when im there, its my brother who seems to be on the verge of a breakdown which will hopefully propel him to the next level in his life, its me and my need unfulfilled need to be fucked by him.

but mostly its him: i guess its my walls coming up. i dont mean to treat you differently. maybe im just being self protective and trying to sabotage this.

so, tonite, when we were sitting on a bench on the pier in samo, he told me again he was falling in love with me, and instead of freaking out, i let him tell me.

i tell him, youre in love with the thought of me. you dont know me.

maybe youre right, but i dont care. i like how i feel when im with you, i like what you show me, and i have a feeling that when i look into your eyes, you want the same thing.

what is that?

to be treated equally, to feel loved.

to be honest, i havent thought about that part. i only got to the part where i wanted to have someone to sleep with one time, not many times.

its the one hitter quitter in me, the one that doesnt die fast. i love spending time with him, holding his hand, feeling at ease.

this ive needed but havent addressed. this friendship type of love, this wonderful feeling of having someone to lean on when things are tough or when they arent and being cared for.

once, he said, i wonder what people think of us.

what do you mean?

well, i have all these tattoos, and youre a normal girl.

normal. i dont care what people think. and im not that normal.

yeah, but you look one way and i look another.

if youre asking me if my friends and family would approve, probably not. but you dont have to please them, you have to please me.

and sometimes, i do wonder how we present ourselves. hes got such beautiful eyes, so fucking genuine and gentle, and dammit, if i dont just fall into them.

his eyes reveal his feelings, so quick to turn away when i say something that hurts him.

this, i love. i just love the courage of saying the truth, especially when it means risking. but dont we always take a risk when we tell the truth?

~*~*~

tonite, the scene is this:

he unzipping his pants and pulling them down to his ankles. me kissing him. he guiding my hands to his cock. my lips magnetized to it, feeling it grow hard in my mouth.

me lifting up my dress and straddling him. later, i tell him i didnt even know how he entered me, all i know is that it was so natural and that we fit.

me cumming. hard.

kiss me, he said.

his fingers pinching my nipples and me not feeling the pain because the pleasure overrides it.

me cumming again.

so good.

so fast.

when we finish, we are both breathing heavily, me trying to gather myself, he dressing.

i do not know how long it lasted, having told each other that it will be quick and dirty because we have held on for long.

this man with the tattoo sleeves and the beckoning eyes.

i tell him, you have me.