the kindness of a stranger
i want to just stay at home on a friday and saturday night. i want to sit on my couch and flip through the expensive cable channels that i do not enjoy enough. i want to light my pipe (now only because the boy is not at home), take some hits, and take mini-naps. and if the mood hits, i want to take care of myself.
these are my plans for this weekend. these have actually been my plans for the last three months, but i seem to always be so busy. but i am resolute tonite to not do anything, except be alone.
my phone rings, and it is roca asking if i want to hang out. i tell her to check back with me in an hour, in case i change my plans.
my phone rings again, and this time, it is anapi asking if i am going out. i tell her that i am not planning on doing anything, but to call me around ten, in case i change my plans.
my phone rings for the third time, and it is ajemo. at first, i was going to let it go to voice mail, but i answer.
let me take you back to a few days ago. ajemo responds to my cl ad. and his responses are short and witty, so i keep him around.
he calls me on saturday, and we talk for two hours before he invites me to come over for dinner. i end up there at his home 2 hours later.
when i get there, he gives me a warm hug, and he shows me around his place. then we go into his office, and he delivers two hits from a vaporizer. this is amazing.
strong, hits my lungs right away. two hits and i am so relaxed. he leads me to the kitchen where he begins to prepare dinner: snapper, asparagus, artichoke, salad.
the whole time, he is talking to me. i am in a haze, but i know i love being here with him at this moment. it is comfortable, and i feel flattered that he is doing this for me.
the conversation at dinner is flowing when he gets a call. he apologizes but says he has to take it. as he is talking, he finds my leg with his, and he rests it there.
the conversation ends, as does dinner, and he begins to clean up. he takes the dishes into the kitchen, then he proceeds to wash them.
i am a bit stunned. the guy is washing the dishes when he has a dish that needs attention, too.
hey, maybe the dishes can wait a bit, i tell him.
i have to do them when you leave, so id rather do them now while you keep me company. im almost done, anyway.
he comes to me and kisses me. when the dishes are finally done, we go back to his office to take hits from another vaporizer. it is awesome.
we move into the living room, where he begins to kiss me. his hands wander to my ass, around my back, to the my neck. he is not aggressive, allowing me to set the pace.
i move against him, rubbing my tits against his chest.
take off your pants, i say, i want to watch you masturbate.
he does as i say, and i lead his hand to his cock. i move it up and down for him in rhythm, feeling excited, wanting more. but i will not sleep with him tonite.
my hands wander along his inner thighs, and i find his balls. i move my hands along them, when i feel something odd. i do not check it out.
i find his cock and take a hold of it, but i feel something there, too. i begin to wonder what the hell is on his skin. does he have genital warts or some other disease?
when we finally break away from our kisses and from our hands all over our bodies, he cuddles me. im not sure if you all know my aversion to cuddling is, especially with a stranger.
i love this. sometimes, it fulfills me more than sex, he whispers.
does that mean you dont want to sleep with me?
no, it just means i like this alot. did you like my jewels???
huh?
yeah...my piercings.
oh, god, thank god.
what do you mean?
i thought they were warts.
no, silly. take a look.
i do. they were interesting. i dont want them in me at all. we move to the bedroom, and i tell him i want to try one of his toys, the sybian.
he gets it out of hiding, and he sets it up for me. when it is set, he tells me to mount it while he sits on a small stepstool in front of me.
im going to hold you, and im going to control your orgasm, he warns.
okay, baby. im ready.
he kisses me while he adjusts the speed. at first, it is steady. then he moves it faster. then he slows it down.
he is reading my body language to control it.
you are not going to cum yet.
please, let me. its so good.
not yet.
i fall against his body, and i let him hold me. i am so limp as the sybian hums against my clit. finally, mercifully, he puts in on full power, and i cum.
it takes me a moment to get composed, and then he moves me to the bed. he holds me, and he asks me about my experience. i tell him that it is the most amazing thing ive done.
we commence with the kissing and rubbing and touching. it is more intense, and i fight to keep from flying to the moon.
baby, i whisper, can you bite my shoulder?
he kisses my shoulder and takes a nibble.
mmmm....harder, i plead.
he bites it, and i yelp out in pain. but i encourage him to do it some more. and he does. and when he bites it hard, i cum. i cum on his fingers, and i ask him to do the same to my other shoulder.
he does so. he is apprehensive, thinking he is hurting me, but when i moan out of pleasure, it makes him bite me harder. so much harder that i cum more intensely.
he finds my nipples and bites them, too. he bites my cleavage, and when he does it hard, i cum a third time.
his teeth sink into my flesh, and i cannot help but be enchanted with the pain and pleasure sensation. he bites down on me, the first time anyone has ever done it, and i am grateful.
when ive had enough of my flesh being biten, i move to his cock and take it in my mouth. i love cock, and his is delicious.
its a bit difficult with the piercing, but i do my best to make sure the tip tickles my throat. he is in my mouth, and i can feel his build up.
i move away, and i bring his hands to his cock to finish the job. he cums all over his stomach, his chest, his hands. he lies there for a moment before he cleans himself up.
i have to go now. its 3:30 in the morning.
why dont you wait until i finish up with this, and i will walk you to your car.
i put on my shirt, go to the bathroom, and wash up. my shoulders are a bit sore. but it feels so good. he walks me to my car, hugs me good bye, and sends me off on my way.
when i wake up the next day, my body is aching, but i am feeling so refreshed.
in the mirror, the marks on my body tell me where ive been the night before.
Sunday, July 30, 2006
Saturday, July 29, 2006
an addition
my brothers girlfriend has her second child today, the first for her and my brother. i should be excited, but...
my bro is 9 years younger than i, and i think my parents kind of let him go after they raised me and my sister. the age difference really makes a difference.
he and i have a classic love/hate relationship. we love each other, but we hate each other as well. when things are good between us, they are good. but when they are bad, look out.
case in point, the latest blow up is in san francisco, a day after my cousines wedding. he and i are both tired, and we cannot help but fight in front of everyone. it is immature, but such is our relationship.
my brothers girlfriend has her second child today, the first for her and my brother. i should be excited, but...
my bro is 9 years younger than i, and i think my parents kind of let him go after they raised me and my sister. the age difference really makes a difference.
he and i have a classic love/hate relationship. we love each other, but we hate each other as well. when things are good between us, they are good. but when they are bad, look out.
case in point, the latest blow up is in san francisco, a day after my cousines wedding. he and i are both tired, and we cannot help but fight in front of everyone. it is immature, but such is our relationship.
Friday, July 28, 2006
i heart carfi
sometimes, you just know when you meet someone. you just know that there is such goodness in this persons soul, but there is also a dangerous side to him.
carfi has caught my attention. only attention, and nothing else. he has such a sweetness and kindness in him that attracts me to him.
but i know nothing will ever happen because i will never allow it. not even when he looks at me and smiles. not even when he makes sexual innuendos. not even when he is being so amazingly sweet.
nope. he is just a friend. i need his friendship more than anything right now, and i would never want to lose his gift of sweetness.
he is so knowledgeable and talented. he needs to be guided to do the right thing in order to succeed, and i think i will be the one to do it. i want to be.
today, he gets me some butter. and it is the good kind, so as soon as i am out of the shower, im going to pack that butter into my pipe and take some breaths. i need it to end the week.
im so disappointed in my dirty little secret, but his age was telling of how this was going to end. oh, well. what else do i expect?
photography class in two weeks. i wish carfi was taking it with me.
sometimes, you just know when you meet someone. you just know that there is such goodness in this persons soul, but there is also a dangerous side to him.
carfi has caught my attention. only attention, and nothing else. he has such a sweetness and kindness in him that attracts me to him.
but i know nothing will ever happen because i will never allow it. not even when he looks at me and smiles. not even when he makes sexual innuendos. not even when he is being so amazingly sweet.
nope. he is just a friend. i need his friendship more than anything right now, and i would never want to lose his gift of sweetness.
he is so knowledgeable and talented. he needs to be guided to do the right thing in order to succeed, and i think i will be the one to do it. i want to be.
today, he gets me some butter. and it is the good kind, so as soon as i am out of the shower, im going to pack that butter into my pipe and take some breaths. i need it to end the week.
im so disappointed in my dirty little secret, but his age was telling of how this was going to end. oh, well. what else do i expect?
photography class in two weeks. i wish carfi was taking it with me.
Thursday, July 27, 2006
sometimes, i just have to ask
wtf am i doing? it seems i am just riding this tidal wave called life, and while i love the ocean, its time to probably hit the shore.
class ended last night. thank God. there are two colleagues who i have such little tolerance for. they just get on my nerves, and i do not know why because they are very nice people.
im just a bitch. one of my pet peeves is stupidity, and this has nothing at all to do with intelligence or choices. im not the smartest person in the world, nor do i always choose what is good for me.
God knows ive been called my fair share of names. ive been accused of putting myself in danger because of my risky behavior. and i can only be grateful for being blessed that i wasnt harmed.
lately, ive been bored and craving intellectual conversations. id also like to partake in some heavy flirting with the promise of more, but so far nothing.
the dirty little secret turns out to be such a flake, and so ive decided to be done with him. no more communication, no more blah blah blahing.
this is the thing about me. i find trouble. then i get into trouble, and in some cases, trouble gets into me. the dirty little secret is too young and too scared. i dont have time to play that kind of game with him.
dines tells me last night that it is so easy for me to meet people, and she is envious of the way i just make them feel comfortable and how they fall in love with me. i think it was the heat talking because shes never admited that before.
but shes right. i can be very social, but i can also be withdrawn. im become so desperately attracted to those who have a creative spirit, who are cool and smart, funny and sensitive.
damn, where are these guys?
wtf am i doing? it seems i am just riding this tidal wave called life, and while i love the ocean, its time to probably hit the shore.
class ended last night. thank God. there are two colleagues who i have such little tolerance for. they just get on my nerves, and i do not know why because they are very nice people.
im just a bitch. one of my pet peeves is stupidity, and this has nothing at all to do with intelligence or choices. im not the smartest person in the world, nor do i always choose what is good for me.
God knows ive been called my fair share of names. ive been accused of putting myself in danger because of my risky behavior. and i can only be grateful for being blessed that i wasnt harmed.
lately, ive been bored and craving intellectual conversations. id also like to partake in some heavy flirting with the promise of more, but so far nothing.
the dirty little secret turns out to be such a flake, and so ive decided to be done with him. no more communication, no more blah blah blahing.
this is the thing about me. i find trouble. then i get into trouble, and in some cases, trouble gets into me. the dirty little secret is too young and too scared. i dont have time to play that kind of game with him.
dines tells me last night that it is so easy for me to meet people, and she is envious of the way i just make them feel comfortable and how they fall in love with me. i think it was the heat talking because shes never admited that before.
but shes right. i can be very social, but i can also be withdrawn. im become so desperately attracted to those who have a creative spirit, who are cool and smart, funny and sensitive.
damn, where are these guys?
Monday, July 24, 2006
honorable mention or my dirty little secret
i have a dirty little secret, and i dont know how long it will last, but for now, i am keeping my ears pricked and my eyes wide open.
hes just a boy. he is just trying to be a mindf**k, but he breaches a rule last night, so now i am just playing a game.
too bad. it couldve been good. it couldve been bad, in a good way.
time will tell. im in no rush.
i have a dirty little secret, and i dont know how long it will last, but for now, i am keeping my ears pricked and my eyes wide open.
hes just a boy. he is just trying to be a mindf**k, but he breaches a rule last night, so now i am just playing a game.
too bad. it couldve been good. it couldve been bad, in a good way.
time will tell. im in no rush.
mixed feelings
last thursday night, misaju and i meet for coffee. he actually comes out my way, and i am really impressed. we go to borders, look at photography magazines, and browse through books.
after, he asks if i want to go for a walk, and we find ourselves in the second level by trader joes. there are plenty of photo ops, especially at night where the lighting and mood are dramatic.
we are booted out by the rent-a-cop, so we make our way to the local starfucks to get some coffee (for him) and iced tea (for me).
we walk around some more, and we finally settle at the outdoor seating at borders until we get booted by the same old rent-a-cop.
misaju walks me to my car, and he hugs me for a long time. i let him hold me, and when we part, he kisses me. and all i am thinking is, "shit, this isnt bad. but shit, its with MISAJU!!!"
so i break away, say good night, and send him off on his way.
the kiss isnt too bad. in is, in fact, pretty nice. but im not looking for "nice."
what i want is passion. rawness. chemistry.
i dont want to be ambivalent about this, but i have mixed feelings on the subject. it bores me now, the thought of the guys i have been meeting. i need some excitement.
last thursday night, misaju and i meet for coffee. he actually comes out my way, and i am really impressed. we go to borders, look at photography magazines, and browse through books.
after, he asks if i want to go for a walk, and we find ourselves in the second level by trader joes. there are plenty of photo ops, especially at night where the lighting and mood are dramatic.
we are booted out by the rent-a-cop, so we make our way to the local starfucks to get some coffee (for him) and iced tea (for me).
we walk around some more, and we finally settle at the outdoor seating at borders until we get booted by the same old rent-a-cop.
misaju walks me to my car, and he hugs me for a long time. i let him hold me, and when we part, he kisses me. and all i am thinking is, "shit, this isnt bad. but shit, its with MISAJU!!!"
so i break away, say good night, and send him off on his way.
the kiss isnt too bad. in is, in fact, pretty nice. but im not looking for "nice."
what i want is passion. rawness. chemistry.
i dont want to be ambivalent about this, but i have mixed feelings on the subject. it bores me now, the thought of the guys i have been meeting. i need some excitement.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
the boy visits his father
this weather is so incredibly uncomfortable. i know everyone has been writing about the heat, but it is very noteworthy how fucking hot its been. who is to blame? who can i bitch to?
i love the boy so much, and i realize what a wonderful person he is as soon as he boards the plane for the hour-trip to see his father.
oh, the father. still so much animosity after all these years. he still hasnt grown up, and i am so proud of my patience with him. i resent that i have to treat him with kid gloves, and that the boy is more mature than the both of us put together.
the boy will be gone for two entire weeks. this leaves me with such a hole in my heart that i am steeling myself from the loneliness. but the boy is excited to spend time in tahoe with his half-brother and his cousins.
i stand back in awe when i watch him pack his bag last night. i love that he is able to travel without me, that his father lives a safe distance from me that i dont have to see him if i dont want to.
the last time the boy visits his father, i freak out. i call him all the time, looking for him, needing to hear his voice. this time, however, i am better. i have instructed the boy to call me twice a day just to say good morning and good night.
psychotic? maybe. but i cannot live without the boy. we have a healthy independence from each other, but it is only because i know that he is well. thats all i need: to hear his voice to make sure he is safe and well.
the father is a good person, but i do not trust him at all with the care and feeding of this child. i feel a sense of ownership with the boy, knowing that i am responsible if he contributes positively to society or if he is social misfit.
it is very difficult being a single parent, and if i think about how my stint as a single parent has been, i would cry out of gratitude and amazement and fatigue.
and if i imagine how it would be had i not had the help of my family, the support of my friends, and the love of exbf, i just shake my head in disbelief.
the boy and i are so fortunate and blessed. ive made some idiotic choices in his life, and thank God, thank You, God that i have not harmed us, killed us, or put us in dangerous situations.
i need these two weeks to clean the house, to gather myself, to be a better functioning person. i have to let go of some of my responsibilities that take me away from the boy.
the boy needs these two weeks to be with the white side of his family, to be around men, to be around kids his age. the boy needs this as much as i do.
he and i are quality. i do not dare introduce anyone not worthy of us into our home. and if one day, we are blessed to meet the one who will love us for the rest of his life, then we are more than lucky.
this weather is so incredibly uncomfortable. i know everyone has been writing about the heat, but it is very noteworthy how fucking hot its been. who is to blame? who can i bitch to?
i love the boy so much, and i realize what a wonderful person he is as soon as he boards the plane for the hour-trip to see his father.
oh, the father. still so much animosity after all these years. he still hasnt grown up, and i am so proud of my patience with him. i resent that i have to treat him with kid gloves, and that the boy is more mature than the both of us put together.
the boy will be gone for two entire weeks. this leaves me with such a hole in my heart that i am steeling myself from the loneliness. but the boy is excited to spend time in tahoe with his half-brother and his cousins.
i stand back in awe when i watch him pack his bag last night. i love that he is able to travel without me, that his father lives a safe distance from me that i dont have to see him if i dont want to.
the last time the boy visits his father, i freak out. i call him all the time, looking for him, needing to hear his voice. this time, however, i am better. i have instructed the boy to call me twice a day just to say good morning and good night.
psychotic? maybe. but i cannot live without the boy. we have a healthy independence from each other, but it is only because i know that he is well. thats all i need: to hear his voice to make sure he is safe and well.
the father is a good person, but i do not trust him at all with the care and feeding of this child. i feel a sense of ownership with the boy, knowing that i am responsible if he contributes positively to society or if he is social misfit.
it is very difficult being a single parent, and if i think about how my stint as a single parent has been, i would cry out of gratitude and amazement and fatigue.
and if i imagine how it would be had i not had the help of my family, the support of my friends, and the love of exbf, i just shake my head in disbelief.
the boy and i are so fortunate and blessed. ive made some idiotic choices in his life, and thank God, thank You, God that i have not harmed us, killed us, or put us in dangerous situations.
i need these two weeks to clean the house, to gather myself, to be a better functioning person. i have to let go of some of my responsibilities that take me away from the boy.
the boy needs these two weeks to be with the white side of his family, to be around men, to be around kids his age. the boy needs this as much as i do.
he and i are quality. i do not dare introduce anyone not worthy of us into our home. and if one day, we are blessed to meet the one who will love us for the rest of his life, then we are more than lucky.
Monday, July 17, 2006
the devil wears a cheap suit and works in ela
its official. the devil has been located, and what a surprise, he works in the location where i spend my time during the day.
this bastard is one ugly motha...and i hope for only one thing. banishment to the depths of hell. and take that bitch with the cat fetish along, please.
its official. the devil has been located, and what a surprise, he works in the location where i spend my time during the day.
this bastard is one ugly motha...and i hope for only one thing. banishment to the depths of hell. and take that bitch with the cat fetish along, please.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
in need of a mindf**k
sorry to be so graphic, boys, but heres what i need to say up front. if you can get into my mind, you can get into my pants.
its that simple, but dont be fooled. its also very challenging.
the great art of mindf**king has been lost, like chivalry, and it is time to bring it back.
are you up for it?
age is only a number, so if you are an old soul looking for a young spirit, send me a line displaying your wit, creativity, sense of humor, intelligence, passion.
creative types, musicians, motorcyclists, and great kissers definitely should respond.
i ask you not send pics of your c**k, your chiseled abs, your head full of hair, or your bulging chest. while im a highly visual person, when it comes to mindf**king, i am aural and kinesthetic.
****
can you believe the craigslist community flagged this as being inappropriate?
im glad they took it down because some of the responses i receive were so laughable. there is only one i enjoy, who understands what a mindf**k is, so we talk all night via aim messenger.
hes only a boy of 24, but man, is he fun. hes neurotic, in search of answers to his existential crisis, and oh, so adorable. he makes me laugh, and on a saturday, that is refreshing.
misaju stands me up for our coffee date, but i am happy about it. originally, he invites me to go with him to a launch party in hollywood, but i decline. i hate hollywood, and on a weekend, its unbearable.
i suggest we meet up after, and he agrees, but then i change my mind. i tell him to play it by ear because he may stay late and end up having a great time. which is what happened.
this thing with misaju is getting boring. it isnt his fault. i know that the pace is slow, which is good, but my mind is searching for something else.
how do you define mindf**k?
sorry to be so graphic, boys, but heres what i need to say up front. if you can get into my mind, you can get into my pants.
its that simple, but dont be fooled. its also very challenging.
the great art of mindf**king has been lost, like chivalry, and it is time to bring it back.
are you up for it?
age is only a number, so if you are an old soul looking for a young spirit, send me a line displaying your wit, creativity, sense of humor, intelligence, passion.
creative types, musicians, motorcyclists, and great kissers definitely should respond.
i ask you not send pics of your c**k, your chiseled abs, your head full of hair, or your bulging chest. while im a highly visual person, when it comes to mindf**king, i am aural and kinesthetic.
****
can you believe the craigslist community flagged this as being inappropriate?
im glad they took it down because some of the responses i receive were so laughable. there is only one i enjoy, who understands what a mindf**k is, so we talk all night via aim messenger.
hes only a boy of 24, but man, is he fun. hes neurotic, in search of answers to his existential crisis, and oh, so adorable. he makes me laugh, and on a saturday, that is refreshing.
misaju stands me up for our coffee date, but i am happy about it. originally, he invites me to go with him to a launch party in hollywood, but i decline. i hate hollywood, and on a weekend, its unbearable.
i suggest we meet up after, and he agrees, but then i change my mind. i tell him to play it by ear because he may stay late and end up having a great time. which is what happened.
this thing with misaju is getting boring. it isnt his fault. i know that the pace is slow, which is good, but my mind is searching for something else.
how do you define mindf**k?
Saturday, July 15, 2006
uninterested...or my adventures on craigslist
the other night, dines confesses that she posted an ad on craigslist. i read hers, and i am inspired to write one of my own.
my post interests about 40 men, all between the ages of 35 to 42. some are fun, some are too serious, and generally, really nice guys. but its just like me to be not interested in any of them.
the next day, i take my post down and put up another one. this time, its sassy, fun, and light. i am hoping to catch the attention of men who are like that, too. ive narrowed it down to three gents, but alas, im interested in one.
interested is not the word i would use. im more...curious. i just want to know facts, information, but i dont want to get to know them.
some send pictures, and based on that, it is easy for me to weed based on my attraction. but i dont want to be superficial. its not really about looks, its about attraction.
so i continue my search for inspiration. i want to meet people who are creative, fun, and smart. my circle of friends is great, but theres more room for new ones.
the other night, dines confesses that she posted an ad on craigslist. i read hers, and i am inspired to write one of my own.
my post interests about 40 men, all between the ages of 35 to 42. some are fun, some are too serious, and generally, really nice guys. but its just like me to be not interested in any of them.
the next day, i take my post down and put up another one. this time, its sassy, fun, and light. i am hoping to catch the attention of men who are like that, too. ive narrowed it down to three gents, but alas, im interested in one.
interested is not the word i would use. im more...curious. i just want to know facts, information, but i dont want to get to know them.
some send pictures, and based on that, it is easy for me to weed based on my attraction. but i dont want to be superficial. its not really about looks, its about attraction.
so i continue my search for inspiration. i want to meet people who are creative, fun, and smart. my circle of friends is great, but theres more room for new ones.
Tuesday, July 11, 2006
speaking too soon
yesterday, on my way to work, the feelings of dread begin to rise up, and i know what is about to ensue. anxiety and depression would soon take a seat next to me, and they wont leave. not for awhile.
i decide at that moment to close the door and not allow entrance. i will reclaim myself again. i will no longer be accompanied by these two when i could romp and play with happiness and peace.
so my day is good yesterday. i overlook the fact that joczla writes me a recommendation letter that causes me and gaya to laugh at it because for someone with his "intellect" and "writing ability", it should have been outstanding. rather, it is beginning level esl.
the day improves when i go to class and laugh with friends. there are two people in the class that do not belong there.
one is this woman who brings no new knowledge or perspective to the discussion. the other has no experience in the classroom but thinks she knows what it is like to be in the setting because she is a glorified copy clerk.
i meet up with dines at starbucks after. we hang out for awhile until i can catch my breath before we head out to the gym. i do 30 minutes on the stairs, the whole time sweating like a pig. then i do push ups, crunches, reverse crunches, and back work all on the exercise ball.
i go home, tired, spent, ready for bed. i check my email and find that misaju has thought of me. messenger tells me he is online.
his email to me is long and detailed. the format of our emails is simple: a paragraph of greetings and salutations, answering the five questions of the sender, then conjuring up five questions by the sender.
he is so sweet. but im not into him. he is too secretive, untrusting. he has no sense of adventure, not willing to take risks. this isnt what i want.
besides, he reminds me too much of luro without his appeal. crushing.
yesterday, on my way to work, the feelings of dread begin to rise up, and i know what is about to ensue. anxiety and depression would soon take a seat next to me, and they wont leave. not for awhile.
i decide at that moment to close the door and not allow entrance. i will reclaim myself again. i will no longer be accompanied by these two when i could romp and play with happiness and peace.
so my day is good yesterday. i overlook the fact that joczla writes me a recommendation letter that causes me and gaya to laugh at it because for someone with his "intellect" and "writing ability", it should have been outstanding. rather, it is beginning level esl.
the day improves when i go to class and laugh with friends. there are two people in the class that do not belong there.
one is this woman who brings no new knowledge or perspective to the discussion. the other has no experience in the classroom but thinks she knows what it is like to be in the setting because she is a glorified copy clerk.
i meet up with dines at starbucks after. we hang out for awhile until i can catch my breath before we head out to the gym. i do 30 minutes on the stairs, the whole time sweating like a pig. then i do push ups, crunches, reverse crunches, and back work all on the exercise ball.
i go home, tired, spent, ready for bed. i check my email and find that misaju has thought of me. messenger tells me he is online.
his email to me is long and detailed. the format of our emails is simple: a paragraph of greetings and salutations, answering the five questions of the sender, then conjuring up five questions by the sender.
he is so sweet. but im not into him. he is too secretive, untrusting. he has no sense of adventure, not willing to take risks. this isnt what i want.
besides, he reminds me too much of luro without his appeal. crushing.
Sunday, July 09, 2006
another one bites the dust and other musings
i am calling the time of death for misaju at 11:00 a.m.
a very good and very wise online friend of mine gives me perfect advice when i tell him of my first meeting with misaju. he instructs me not to tell misaju that i want to only be friends. to quote, "he is either relationship material or a fuck buddy."
misaju is not my type physically, so there goes the fuck buddy system. and im not ready to begin something new right now, so no relationship.
but i do like him as a friend. i like his sweetness, his quietness, his demeanor. i love his slight accent, the way he loves soccer, and that he plays several instruments.
he very well could have been a friend, but i know he isnt looking for that.
vinnie, on the other hand, could be an eff buddy. we shall see. but hes mature enough to be able to have a friendship with me, too. i feel so submissive to his every request. except for one.
i havent sent him a pic. i have an aversion to posting pictures online. i dont know why. maybe its because i have a shit digital. maybe its because i look like crap in pictures. maybe its because its so cliche.
i shall see what he wants. even though our conversations turn sexual, there is a tone of sweetness there. and heres the key to me: niceness will get you what you want.
i need a man who has a thing for the arts. i just had a brilliant idea. i am going to try to squeeze in a photography class in august.
there is something missing in my life besides a significant other, and as i search for inspiration, i have to ask: why do i need to be inspired?
i need a creative outlet. lately, life has gotten in the way of my expression. i think this is partly why i have been so down, so restless.
i do not belong in la, well, this part of la anyway. i want to be where the artsy people are, where the energy is glass-ceiling high, where there is a sense of community.
im going to do this. its what my spirit needs. im going to make a pinky promise with myself that i will take photography classes. no matter how expensive, i have to do it.
someone may have to remind me to do this. classes start august 7th on tuesdays from 6:30 to 9:00. i can go after i hit the gym. pinky promise.
i am calling the time of death for misaju at 11:00 a.m.
a very good and very wise online friend of mine gives me perfect advice when i tell him of my first meeting with misaju. he instructs me not to tell misaju that i want to only be friends. to quote, "he is either relationship material or a fuck buddy."
misaju is not my type physically, so there goes the fuck buddy system. and im not ready to begin something new right now, so no relationship.
but i do like him as a friend. i like his sweetness, his quietness, his demeanor. i love his slight accent, the way he loves soccer, and that he plays several instruments.
he very well could have been a friend, but i know he isnt looking for that.
vinnie, on the other hand, could be an eff buddy. we shall see. but hes mature enough to be able to have a friendship with me, too. i feel so submissive to his every request. except for one.
i havent sent him a pic. i have an aversion to posting pictures online. i dont know why. maybe its because i have a shit digital. maybe its because i look like crap in pictures. maybe its because its so cliche.
i shall see what he wants. even though our conversations turn sexual, there is a tone of sweetness there. and heres the key to me: niceness will get you what you want.
i need a man who has a thing for the arts. i just had a brilliant idea. i am going to try to squeeze in a photography class in august.
there is something missing in my life besides a significant other, and as i search for inspiration, i have to ask: why do i need to be inspired?
i need a creative outlet. lately, life has gotten in the way of my expression. i think this is partly why i have been so down, so restless.
i do not belong in la, well, this part of la anyway. i want to be where the artsy people are, where the energy is glass-ceiling high, where there is a sense of community.
im going to do this. its what my spirit needs. im going to make a pinky promise with myself that i will take photography classes. no matter how expensive, i have to do it.
someone may have to remind me to do this. classes start august 7th on tuesdays from 6:30 to 9:00. i can go after i hit the gym. pinky promise.
here, there, and everywhere
***i am so pissed that misaju does not contact me all night to let me know he will not be joining us. no call, no email, no text. there is something fundamentally wrong with this one, so i am going to leave it alone.
***i tell dines this afternoon that i want to start an mft program once im done with edcg, and she begins her lecture of me not being focused and starting projects.
she can never be supportive, and i wonder if she projects many of her insecurities on me. i have learned to live in this friendship and not let her deter me or discourage me.
i know she is only expressing her unpopular opinion, but still. i overcompensate for her lack of encouragement by being super supportive of her.
***my ass hurts from the lunges and squats i do yesterday. its the kind of pain, though, that i love. it reminds me that i have muscles underneath all that fat. ugh.
yoga the other night almost kills me. i am in pain from that. but my pain is not centralized to my ass. my shoulders hurt from all the damned down dogs. thank god for the child pose. i humble myself and bow down.
***im beginning to realize that november may have had feelings for me that i will have never been quite able to return. it takes me long enough, doesnt it? slow and steady wins the race, though.
my ex-friends birthday is the other day. i send off a birthday greeting via text, and when i invite him for a birthday drink, he says he wants to keep it professional between us. to me, that is a kiss off.
too bad he is such a pussy, like november. but im glad nothing ever happened with that one. i can only be shameful for so many offenses.
***the boy goes to see his father in two weeks. how i wish in the deepest caverns of my heart that the father is a different man. but then that would mean the boy would be different. and i love him just fine the way he is.
its just that the boy is becoming a teen, and while i hate to admit it, i cannot escape the truth that the boy needs his father.
i will have to communicate this with the father soon. perhaps he has matured the past year, which is the last time he sees the boy.
the boy deserves so much better. where is the sweet, intellectual, sexually appealing, dark-haired, light skinned, sensitive-yet-strong, capable man that is bound to take my breath away? i want to present him to the boy as the permanent father fixture in our lives.
damn me. i need to work on finding this man. just tell me where to look, and once our eyes lock, we will know. and no years of engagement. i want to start a family soon.
***sconu is married to an unattractive filipina. they have produced, unfortunately, a child who is not so cute on film. maybe she is better looking in real life. hope the next one will have more of his genes than hers.
i am going to hell for the last three sentences. actually, ive already sent myself there for three mortal sins. hope i see some friends there. cant last eternity without my pals.
***the little temple is a cool place. i dont know why i become so self-conscious while i dance with jama tonite. its just that he is so hot, so beautiful, and he makes me wet.
***entrance fee: $10. mojito: $12 (i know!!!). having jamu smell my hair while he is dancing with me: priceless.
if jama doesnt stop looking at me the way he does, and if he doesnt stop leaning so close to me when he talks, and if he doesnt stop being so damned hot...i might make an ass of myself and kiss him.
im a loser.
***i am so fucking tired, yet my eyes cant close. refer to the penultimate sentence.
***i am so pissed that misaju does not contact me all night to let me know he will not be joining us. no call, no email, no text. there is something fundamentally wrong with this one, so i am going to leave it alone.
***i tell dines this afternoon that i want to start an mft program once im done with edcg, and she begins her lecture of me not being focused and starting projects.
she can never be supportive, and i wonder if she projects many of her insecurities on me. i have learned to live in this friendship and not let her deter me or discourage me.
i know she is only expressing her unpopular opinion, but still. i overcompensate for her lack of encouragement by being super supportive of her.
***my ass hurts from the lunges and squats i do yesterday. its the kind of pain, though, that i love. it reminds me that i have muscles underneath all that fat. ugh.
yoga the other night almost kills me. i am in pain from that. but my pain is not centralized to my ass. my shoulders hurt from all the damned down dogs. thank god for the child pose. i humble myself and bow down.
***im beginning to realize that november may have had feelings for me that i will have never been quite able to return. it takes me long enough, doesnt it? slow and steady wins the race, though.
my ex-friends birthday is the other day. i send off a birthday greeting via text, and when i invite him for a birthday drink, he says he wants to keep it professional between us. to me, that is a kiss off.
too bad he is such a pussy, like november. but im glad nothing ever happened with that one. i can only be shameful for so many offenses.
***the boy goes to see his father in two weeks. how i wish in the deepest caverns of my heart that the father is a different man. but then that would mean the boy would be different. and i love him just fine the way he is.
its just that the boy is becoming a teen, and while i hate to admit it, i cannot escape the truth that the boy needs his father.
i will have to communicate this with the father soon. perhaps he has matured the past year, which is the last time he sees the boy.
the boy deserves so much better. where is the sweet, intellectual, sexually appealing, dark-haired, light skinned, sensitive-yet-strong, capable man that is bound to take my breath away? i want to present him to the boy as the permanent father fixture in our lives.
damn me. i need to work on finding this man. just tell me where to look, and once our eyes lock, we will know. and no years of engagement. i want to start a family soon.
***sconu is married to an unattractive filipina. they have produced, unfortunately, a child who is not so cute on film. maybe she is better looking in real life. hope the next one will have more of his genes than hers.
i am going to hell for the last three sentences. actually, ive already sent myself there for three mortal sins. hope i see some friends there. cant last eternity without my pals.
***the little temple is a cool place. i dont know why i become so self-conscious while i dance with jama tonite. its just that he is so hot, so beautiful, and he makes me wet.
***entrance fee: $10. mojito: $12 (i know!!!). having jamu smell my hair while he is dancing with me: priceless.
if jama doesnt stop looking at me the way he does, and if he doesnt stop leaning so close to me when he talks, and if he doesnt stop being so damned hot...i might make an ass of myself and kiss him.
im a loser.
***i am so fucking tired, yet my eyes cant close. refer to the penultimate sentence.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
who is this guy?
i come back to the hotel from the wedding drunk, a bit wired from the energy of the city, and feeling good at meeting new people and seeing those from my past. i check my email, find nothing new, read some of my favorite blogs, and browse through craigslist.
aaahhh, craigslist. ive found some good ones on there. luro is my favorite. until now. until vinnie.
i answer a post that night, but i dont remember what the post says now. he tells me to converse with him on instant messenger.
we message for two hours, asking questions, answering them. interesting. he is honest, smart, funny, and incredibly understanding.
and very sexual. but in a way that is so comfortable. we talk about fetishes and fantasies. it is refreshing, and it awakens my sexuality which lies dormant otherwise.
it is difficult saying goodnight to him that night, but i finally do. when i get into bed, he text messages me. something sexy. it continues to the next day.
who is this person that has so invaded my mind? who is he that encourages me to talk about my fantasies?
tonite, i go out with friends. jama is a hot, sexy man. unfortunately, he is one i cant get. he doesnt bat for my team. but damn, when he looks at me and leans in to talk to me, i feel a sensation that is very sweet.
jama is leaving for law school, and i am bummed. i wouldve loved to have gotten to know him, hang out for coffee, or great conversations. and i fantasize that for one night, he wants me.
he invites me to dc where he is headed. he tells me that the best looking guys can be found there. i like this man, love his body, but more importantly, i love his spirit.
so vinnie. he has a perfect body type, from his description, for me. i like his height, his weight, and the fact that he is so open to me.
i dont really want to be in a relationship right now, not when i still have things to fix. but a good session wouldnt be too bad.
i come back to the hotel from the wedding drunk, a bit wired from the energy of the city, and feeling good at meeting new people and seeing those from my past. i check my email, find nothing new, read some of my favorite blogs, and browse through craigslist.
aaahhh, craigslist. ive found some good ones on there. luro is my favorite. until now. until vinnie.
i answer a post that night, but i dont remember what the post says now. he tells me to converse with him on instant messenger.
we message for two hours, asking questions, answering them. interesting. he is honest, smart, funny, and incredibly understanding.
and very sexual. but in a way that is so comfortable. we talk about fetishes and fantasies. it is refreshing, and it awakens my sexuality which lies dormant otherwise.
it is difficult saying goodnight to him that night, but i finally do. when i get into bed, he text messages me. something sexy. it continues to the next day.
who is this person that has so invaded my mind? who is he that encourages me to talk about my fantasies?
tonite, i go out with friends. jama is a hot, sexy man. unfortunately, he is one i cant get. he doesnt bat for my team. but damn, when he looks at me and leans in to talk to me, i feel a sensation that is very sweet.
jama is leaving for law school, and i am bummed. i wouldve loved to have gotten to know him, hang out for coffee, or great conversations. and i fantasize that for one night, he wants me.
he invites me to dc where he is headed. he tells me that the best looking guys can be found there. i like this man, love his body, but more importantly, i love his spirit.
so vinnie. he has a perfect body type, from his description, for me. i like his height, his weight, and the fact that he is so open to me.
i dont really want to be in a relationship right now, not when i still have things to fix. but a good session wouldnt be too bad.
i am most like...
how about you?
Nate Fisher
You have had countless sexual encounters in your not so distant past, but you are despretely seeking a normal life. You are afraid of being alone.
how about you?
thank you
just want to express my gratitude to those of you who have emailed me or have left comments about me and the boy.
this is a difficult phase for both of us because he is going through his changes and i mine, which is partly why i am going to counseling.
i hope and pray that he will not have to live with his father through this time because i cant imagine how it would be to not come home to him.
he defines me. he anchors me. he settles me. he is an amazing kid, truly lovely in all senses. he is on his way to becoming a fine man, but these damned teen years are going to be the death of me.
any suggestions, gentle readers, as to how to go through this hell???
just want to express my gratitude to those of you who have emailed me or have left comments about me and the boy.
this is a difficult phase for both of us because he is going through his changes and i mine, which is partly why i am going to counseling.
i hope and pray that he will not have to live with his father through this time because i cant imagine how it would be to not come home to him.
he defines me. he anchors me. he settles me. he is an amazing kid, truly lovely in all senses. he is on his way to becoming a fine man, but these damned teen years are going to be the death of me.
any suggestions, gentle readers, as to how to go through this hell???
Friday, July 07, 2006
a day of firsts, part one
i go to my first counseling session, which isnt really a session but an intake evaluation. i am so tired at this time, running around in a small amount of time to do errands. but the heat is the culprit.
i hate paperwork, so i dread when the front desk girl hands me a stack of papers to be brought to the secretary in module 5C. thankfully, i have to fill out only four pages, yes / no questions and minimal writing.
finally, i am called by sava who is to be my counselor. she asks the garden variety questions to ascertain just what the hell i am doing here.
i am tired today, so i answer the questions honestly. my filters do not work when i am fatigued. and im glad because i do not want to break down on our first meeting.
when the hour is up, she gives me my options with counseling. she offers me an hour once every two weeks, and before i begin to panic, she senses this and tells me about group counseling, specifically for anxiety and depression.
she also arranges for my follow-up in two weeks, says good bye to me, and leads me to the front desk. i make my appointment, and i feel so good about this that i almost cry.
i need help now to sort my thoughts. if i am to be a counselor, i have to have a clear head. and right now, it needs a little bit of airing out.
i go to my first counseling session, which isnt really a session but an intake evaluation. i am so tired at this time, running around in a small amount of time to do errands. but the heat is the culprit.
i hate paperwork, so i dread when the front desk girl hands me a stack of papers to be brought to the secretary in module 5C. thankfully, i have to fill out only four pages, yes / no questions and minimal writing.
finally, i am called by sava who is to be my counselor. she asks the garden variety questions to ascertain just what the hell i am doing here.
i am tired today, so i answer the questions honestly. my filters do not work when i am fatigued. and im glad because i do not want to break down on our first meeting.
when the hour is up, she gives me my options with counseling. she offers me an hour once every two weeks, and before i begin to panic, she senses this and tells me about group counseling, specifically for anxiety and depression.
she also arranges for my follow-up in two weeks, says good bye to me, and leads me to the front desk. i make my appointment, and i feel so good about this that i almost cry.
i need help now to sort my thoughts. if i am to be a counselor, i have to have a clear head. and right now, it needs a little bit of airing out.
Tuesday, July 04, 2006
fireworks
today is a shit day. i fight with the boy for two hours straight. i see hatred and anger in his eyes. he blames me for them, and i understand that he is a hormonal demon. but he is also this boy that i love, that im in love with, who i cannot live without.
unfortunately, he may be able to live without me. i bring up the idea of him living with his father for at least a year.
i am not well, i tell him, and i want you to think about how better your father may be at caring for you at this moment.
id rather die than move up there, he responds. the boy has a flair for the dramatic, but i believe him when he says this.
its a change, and i understand you are afraid of changes, but love, you and i cannot live like this. in my life, there are only two influences whose love i want. thats you and God. if i lost you, i would never recover. you going to live with your father is the only way i know to save this.
no. i wont go. you can make me, but i wont go.
its not your decision, darling. its mine. and im not asking your permission. im letting you know what im thinking about out of courtesy to you.
i dont care. i wont go. he doesnt want me either.
you dont know that. i dont know that.
well, i dont want to go.
of course it doesnt end there. it continues for another hour and forty five minutes. anger, shouting, crying, sheer determination to not lose. on both of our parts. my boy is just like me.
the cats in the craddle, you know. i love being a mother. i love this boy. i love that i am being challenged like this.
but im tired. ive been tired for awhile. fatigue, depression. i am treading water at this point, operating on crisis mode.
it isnt fair to him. this isnt the environment he should grow up in. he should be in the best place, and i wonder if that isnt with his absent idiot father.
the boy loves his father. hes looking forward to a two-week trip to spend time with that side of his lineage. theyre all going to tahoe for a week. an annual thing. and it warms my heart that they invite the boy.
but the boys father doesnt communicate with me. he feels about me the way my ex-friend feels about me. there is some similarity in the boys father and november. and there is grand similarity between november and my ex-friend. its kind of odd how i attract the same types of boys.
they are all handsome. but there is this insecurity that runs in their blood. insecurity about me, about how i feel about them. and the funny thing is that i love them all and would to have shared a bed with them.
the boys father was an incredible lover, if my memory doesnt fail me after ten years. he and i are so compatible then, sexually and emotionally. he wants someone to care for, and for that person to care for him. i believe he is my first deep love, the one who cut me so deeply when he no longer wanted me. i suffer a depression then, and it takes two years to get over.
the love i have for november is one of friendship, although there is a moment when i want more. but he scares me how traditional he is. in his ideal world, it is the 1950s, and he is the bread winner and his wife is the perfect suburban housewife. clearly, we are not meant to be.
and my ex-friend. he and i are so much alike in that we both need our freedom and independence. i think sex with him would have been fine. i would have insisted on being stoned to make sure the memory isnt ingrained in my mind.
so misaju and i might meet up on thursday. i like him alot. he has a quiet, calm demeanor, and i want it to work out. if nothing else, then friendship. thats more than i deserve.
so no fireworks in the sky, but definitely plenty between the boy and me. he is my son, and i love him. i will fight for him, even if im fighting with him.
all is well now, though. he apologizes to me when he does something wrong, and i really appreciate that. it means he is learning. i remind him that even though we are angry, we still love each other. he and i will make it. this i know and believe.
today is a shit day. i fight with the boy for two hours straight. i see hatred and anger in his eyes. he blames me for them, and i understand that he is a hormonal demon. but he is also this boy that i love, that im in love with, who i cannot live without.
unfortunately, he may be able to live without me. i bring up the idea of him living with his father for at least a year.
i am not well, i tell him, and i want you to think about how better your father may be at caring for you at this moment.
id rather die than move up there, he responds. the boy has a flair for the dramatic, but i believe him when he says this.
its a change, and i understand you are afraid of changes, but love, you and i cannot live like this. in my life, there are only two influences whose love i want. thats you and God. if i lost you, i would never recover. you going to live with your father is the only way i know to save this.
no. i wont go. you can make me, but i wont go.
its not your decision, darling. its mine. and im not asking your permission. im letting you know what im thinking about out of courtesy to you.
i dont care. i wont go. he doesnt want me either.
you dont know that. i dont know that.
well, i dont want to go.
of course it doesnt end there. it continues for another hour and forty five minutes. anger, shouting, crying, sheer determination to not lose. on both of our parts. my boy is just like me.
the cats in the craddle, you know. i love being a mother. i love this boy. i love that i am being challenged like this.
but im tired. ive been tired for awhile. fatigue, depression. i am treading water at this point, operating on crisis mode.
it isnt fair to him. this isnt the environment he should grow up in. he should be in the best place, and i wonder if that isnt with his absent idiot father.
the boy loves his father. hes looking forward to a two-week trip to spend time with that side of his lineage. theyre all going to tahoe for a week. an annual thing. and it warms my heart that they invite the boy.
but the boys father doesnt communicate with me. he feels about me the way my ex-friend feels about me. there is some similarity in the boys father and november. and there is grand similarity between november and my ex-friend. its kind of odd how i attract the same types of boys.
they are all handsome. but there is this insecurity that runs in their blood. insecurity about me, about how i feel about them. and the funny thing is that i love them all and would to have shared a bed with them.
the boys father was an incredible lover, if my memory doesnt fail me after ten years. he and i are so compatible then, sexually and emotionally. he wants someone to care for, and for that person to care for him. i believe he is my first deep love, the one who cut me so deeply when he no longer wanted me. i suffer a depression then, and it takes two years to get over.
the love i have for november is one of friendship, although there is a moment when i want more. but he scares me how traditional he is. in his ideal world, it is the 1950s, and he is the bread winner and his wife is the perfect suburban housewife. clearly, we are not meant to be.
and my ex-friend. he and i are so much alike in that we both need our freedom and independence. i think sex with him would have been fine. i would have insisted on being stoned to make sure the memory isnt ingrained in my mind.
so misaju and i might meet up on thursday. i like him alot. he has a quiet, calm demeanor, and i want it to work out. if nothing else, then friendship. thats more than i deserve.
so no fireworks in the sky, but definitely plenty between the boy and me. he is my son, and i love him. i will fight for him, even if im fighting with him.
all is well now, though. he apologizes to me when he does something wrong, and i really appreciate that. it means he is learning. i remind him that even though we are angry, we still love each other. he and i will make it. this i know and believe.
Sunday, July 02, 2006
and then there were two
i remember her still, the little girl who looked like a japanese girl with jet black hair and cream skin. she is so cute, this thought runs through my mind 31 years ago.
now, shes taken a husband. he is a good man, a funny man, and a family man. i hope he treats her well.
i envy her, i adore her, i admire her, i respect her. i dont understand where her wisdom comes from, what happened to that little girl everyone fawns over. but one thing i know. she is my cousine, and i love her.
i remember her still, the little girl who looked like a japanese girl with jet black hair and cream skin. she is so cute, this thought runs through my mind 31 years ago.
now, shes taken a husband. he is a good man, a funny man, and a family man. i hope he treats her well.
i envy her, i adore her, i admire her, i respect her. i dont understand where her wisdom comes from, what happened to that little girl everyone fawns over. but one thing i know. she is my cousine, and i love her.
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