about last night...
hey, i was just listening to the radio and this song comes on about being hot in here, so take off all your clothes, i tell him.
well, it IS hot in here.
so, take off all your clothes. where are you?
at work.
still?
yeah.
you busy tonite?
no. what do you have in mind?
dinner or coffee?
sure. im free.
okay. can you take the train in to south pas, and ill pick you up?
yeah.
cool. im going to go home and take a shower. i just got out of the gym.
at least half of your clothes will be off.
hahaha. let me know when youre in, okay?
okay.
i go home with dinner for the boy, and i sit with him for a little while. i have an hour to get ready for igra.
he calls me when he gets in, and i meet him. he looks so good. dark hair, light skin, black-rimmed glasses, trench coat, pinstriped button-down shirt, and yellow tie. SEXY.
he gets in the car, and we make small talk, and i ask him where he wants to eat dinner. at first, the conversation is sluggish, uncomfortable almost, and then he picks a place.
how about pita pita? he asks.
on colorado?
yeah. then after, we can go to vroman to get coffee and talk.
honey, vromans closes at nine.
oh. so does pita pita, i think. but thats okay because we will have plenty of opportunities to get dinner there.
okay. how about margarita jones?
sure, ive never been there, but it sounds good.
we go into margarita jones, and he orders two margaritas. he is talking a mile a minute about girls, women, his exgf. its as if he doesnt want any silence. he carries the conversation until the margaritas arrive.
its funny, but he was never this way. he was calm, level headed, quiet, and i was the fast talker. tonite, he seems nervous, and i dont get in a word edgewise, so i just listen to him, and i look at him from different angles.
we finally order, dinner comes, and we eat. im buzzing off the tequila, and hes getting more handsome by the sip.
i steer the conversation to spirituality, to God, to james camerons discovery of what could be the remains of Jesus. we talk about this for awhile, and i realize that this is the part about him i love the most. hes such a deep thinker when it comes to this, for which i turn to him.
when that conversation ends, we realize that there is no one in the restaurant, and the lights have been turned off in parts.
he pays the bill, and we walk out. in the car, he continues the talk about women, girls, sex. sex. a lot of sex talk. i notice he looks at my legs a few times.
when he talks, i dont really jump in. i let him talk, i let him rant and rave in hopes that he will get to the point. when we get to his car, he thanks me for the evening.
are you going to get out of the car? he asks.
oh, right. yes.
i cant hug you from this side.
i turn off the car, and i meet him on the side. he gives me a hug, and i notice that it lasts longer than necessary. when we break apart, i pull him back, and i kiss him.
and guess what?
it is awful.
know why?
because the moment passed. the moment that was supposed to happen a year and a half ago almost passed, so now, i dont see him in that view, but still, i go for it.
it is clumsy. there is no chemistry. i push away, feeling awkward, and laughing.
well, okay, bye, i say.
bye.
you okay to drive?
yeah.
sure?
yeah.
you going on sunday?
yeah, i plan on it.
okay. you sure youre okay?
yeah, im just looking for my keys.
okay, well, bye.
bye.
i drive away, laughing at myself, at the absurdity of what had just occured. laughing OUT LOUD because after all, i just had my tongue in igras mouth.
total hilarity. total absurdity. and if not drinking all of my margarita would have prevented the last two minutes, i would have stopped at 3/4 of the way.
i think about it now, and im still laughing.
willal is the best kisser.
calo is the australian kisser.
and igra is the best at talking about energy and God.
and im the best choice at being impulsive.
hey, i can tie a cherry stem with my tongue, so i know that the kiss was bad because of him.
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
fucking (up)
i have this huge and serious rule about not doing anything - anything - ANYTHING - anything physical with anyone i consider a friend.
why? because i cant fuck a friend.
im too tired and too disgusted to write about the circumstances of the last two minutes of my time with igra, but lets just say, it wasnt pretty. at least not for me.
and to top it off, i inadvertently insulted willal. so now, hes a bit pissed.
pussies.
its time for me to get off of this train, and just try to be alone for awhile.
at least until thursday when i might have the chance to hang out with sputnik dog.
i have this huge and serious rule about not doing anything - anything - ANYTHING - anything physical with anyone i consider a friend.
why? because i cant fuck a friend.
im too tired and too disgusted to write about the circumstances of the last two minutes of my time with igra, but lets just say, it wasnt pretty. at least not for me.
and to top it off, i inadvertently insulted willal. so now, hes a bit pissed.
pussies.
its time for me to get off of this train, and just try to be alone for awhile.
at least until thursday when i might have the chance to hang out with sputnik dog.
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
this could be quite interesting
im on my way to the shower because igra and i are going out to dinner. and i hope it ends with some kind of dessert.
God help us both. we are friends, right? just friends because hes been in a relationship. and now, well, timing is perfect.
except i know that the whole rebound thing is on my mind. dines says, who isnt on a rebound? we all are in some way or another.
im not on a rebound.
are you serious? youre sleeping with two guys.
not anymore. im done. sunday was the last time. i promise.
look, if anything happens with igra, go for it.
this coming from you? you approve of him?
heres what i dont want: i dont want this to be like your relationship with november.
ah, right. i had forgotten about him. but youre right. i dont want that either.
besides, igra is so smart.
masters from berkeley in engineering or something.
damn.
i know. and hes part architect. he keeps a journal, and he draws. this could be interesting.
call me no matter what. or if you cant call, text me.
yeah, ill text you this: im in bed, but im not sleeping because we are too busy TALKING to be sleeping.
right.
im kidding. im not sure if thats what we will do, but i tell you, the time is right. hes free, and im free. and its all about timing.
thats how ted and i started. the timing was really good.
so, im off now. ill have to recount the conversation with igra that leads us to this night.
im on my way to the shower because igra and i are going out to dinner. and i hope it ends with some kind of dessert.
God help us both. we are friends, right? just friends because hes been in a relationship. and now, well, timing is perfect.
except i know that the whole rebound thing is on my mind. dines says, who isnt on a rebound? we all are in some way or another.
im not on a rebound.
are you serious? youre sleeping with two guys.
not anymore. im done. sunday was the last time. i promise.
look, if anything happens with igra, go for it.
this coming from you? you approve of him?
heres what i dont want: i dont want this to be like your relationship with november.
ah, right. i had forgotten about him. but youre right. i dont want that either.
besides, igra is so smart.
masters from berkeley in engineering or something.
damn.
i know. and hes part architect. he keeps a journal, and he draws. this could be interesting.
call me no matter what. or if you cant call, text me.
yeah, ill text you this: im in bed, but im not sleeping because we are too busy TALKING to be sleeping.
right.
im kidding. im not sure if thats what we will do, but i tell you, the time is right. hes free, and im free. and its all about timing.
thats how ted and i started. the timing was really good.
so, im off now. ill have to recount the conversation with igra that leads us to this night.
Sunday, February 25, 2007
somethings up
the penultimate step of the disengagement stage of consultation or collaboration is to reduce contact before the ultimate step of terminating.
he and i are in the penultimate stage. it isnt because hes busy or i am. i believe its the lack of desire. there is a disconnect here, and i dont know what it is on his part.
on my part, hes just become distant. i have to wonder if this is what his exwife suffered through in their marriage. i dont want to have a silence that is deafening. and i cant ask him to change. we are making time, i think, for the inevitable.
i wish calo were more available. not for anything other than some fun. why i want either of these two is beyond me.
ant texted me the following last night: i love you m.
i do not know what the premise is for this, what exactly it is he loves, and if the love is based on nothing other than the thought of me.
ive done nothing but making him wait for me, stringing him along, knowing that i will never meet him. so, why did i do it? i dont know. and hes leaving town, moving back to the midwest. and this kind of sucks.
and so karma bites me in the ass in the form of willal. he doesnt want me, yet i feel this strong and strange attraction to him.
attraction based on connection and chemistry, but now, neither is there, so its over. ive said it so many times, starting six months ago, and its time to come clean.
im going to tell him the truth. tell him the truth about me and him, not about any other. he doesnt have to know my secret.
the secret being calo and how much of a great lover he is. its such rawness, purely physical satisfaction. nothing more, nothing less. and sometimes, this is all i need.
the penultimate step of the disengagement stage of consultation or collaboration is to reduce contact before the ultimate step of terminating.
he and i are in the penultimate stage. it isnt because hes busy or i am. i believe its the lack of desire. there is a disconnect here, and i dont know what it is on his part.
on my part, hes just become distant. i have to wonder if this is what his exwife suffered through in their marriage. i dont want to have a silence that is deafening. and i cant ask him to change. we are making time, i think, for the inevitable.
i wish calo were more available. not for anything other than some fun. why i want either of these two is beyond me.
ant texted me the following last night: i love you m.
i do not know what the premise is for this, what exactly it is he loves, and if the love is based on nothing other than the thought of me.
ive done nothing but making him wait for me, stringing him along, knowing that i will never meet him. so, why did i do it? i dont know. and hes leaving town, moving back to the midwest. and this kind of sucks.
and so karma bites me in the ass in the form of willal. he doesnt want me, yet i feel this strong and strange attraction to him.
attraction based on connection and chemistry, but now, neither is there, so its over. ive said it so many times, starting six months ago, and its time to come clean.
im going to tell him the truth. tell him the truth about me and him, not about any other. he doesnt have to know my secret.
the secret being calo and how much of a great lover he is. its such rawness, purely physical satisfaction. nothing more, nothing less. and sometimes, this is all i need.
Saturday, February 24, 2007
shit damn fuck
taking tests has nothing to do with intelligence. it has everything to do with memorizing.
id rather not talk about today. it still seems surreal. i know, though, that i want to get rid of everyone and everything for a little while.
i wanted to take a vacation before starting my new job, but as my boy said, were kind of busy. we should be better planned about a trip.
fucking absolutely right.
taking tests has nothing to do with intelligence. it has everything to do with memorizing.
id rather not talk about today. it still seems surreal. i know, though, that i want to get rid of everyone and everything for a little while.
i wanted to take a vacation before starting my new job, but as my boy said, were kind of busy. we should be better planned about a trip.
fucking absolutely right.
Friday, February 23, 2007
internal massage
he stands by the door as i run across the street to him. the night is cold and windy, but it is beautiful. he greets me, and i am shy around him. i do not know what to do, if i should kiss him, or just walk in. so i let him take the lead.
im wearing a black dress, casual with buttons down the front, under a black raincoat. im wearing my black boots. when he sees me, he suppresses a smile. i move close to kiss him, but i move away before i feel his breath on my lips.
as we walk up the stairs, he grabs my hand. this is an intimate act that ive missed so much, but i think nothing of it from him. he lets me go up first, and then he moves his hand under my dress and finds i am not wearing underwear. i never do.
he unlocks the door, and i walk in. his small place is clean, the tv is on, and the lights are on. i sit on the couch, and he kneels in front of me. he rubs my legs, and he comments on the goosebumps that have formed. yeah, im cold, i say, even though im also a bit nervous.
he moves in to kiss me, but i turn away, so he kisses my neck. he takes off my coat and unbuttons my dress. when im free of some clothes, he takes off my boots. this turns me on. i remember when willal used to do it, and once, when the buddhist undressed me. there is something erotic about a man peeling a woman.
he pushes me back with his kiss, which have turned aggressive now. i lie on the couch, and he kisses down where he spreads my legs. he opens me up and flicks his tongue on my clit and in my hole. i am moving gently, grinding against his face, he responding to me.
when he makes me cum, he moves to kiss me, and he enters me slowly. he doesnt thrust all the way, but he watches my reaction before continuing. when he develops a rhythm and when he sees me with my eyes closed, he fucks me hard.
i cannot help but cry out, and he is startled. have you ever been hit by lightning? i ask him.
no.
neither have i, but if i had been, i think thats how it would have felt.
he continues thrusting into me, kissing me, holding me, faster, faster, faster. my legs are wrapped around him now, pulling him deeper, holding him there a few moments at a time.
its awesome, so fucking good. ive missed him, hating that there is so much time in between our times of getting together. we move together, in synch, and we both cum together at the same time.
he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and i feel such a release of tension, a catharsis, that when he comes back, im so relaxed. he nuzzles into my arms, and we watch some shows. eventually, we fall asleep.
actually, he falls asleep. i set my alarm to ring in an hour, and then i try to relax. i cant. too many things are running through my mind, so i get up, and take out the handouts on piaget and erikson.
when my alarm rings, i reset it for another hour, and i lie in his arms. i fall asleep until my alarm tells me its time to go, but i cant leave. its too cold. so i reset it again.
i play this game with myself for a little while, and then we both wake up in the middle of the night. i told him earlier how i used to love it when the exbf and i wake up in the middle of the night and fuck in an almost surreal way.
he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, he looks at me. i smile at him, and i pull him down close to me. so you DO want to stay with me, he says.
of course i do. come here.
he spoons me, as his fingers find my clit, and he rubs it while im in a lull stage. i move my ass against his cock, and he parts my legs and enters me this way.
we are moving again, and he positions us so that im on my stomach, and his body is over mine. he pulls me up, and he lies down on his back.
i turn around and straddle him. he is pushing my ass down on his cock, and my clit is rubbing on his mound. his cock is violating parts of me that have not been violated for so long.
we both cum at the same time, and we cuddle before we both get dressed.
hey, you never gave me a massage, i say to him.
yes, i did.
no, not the kind of massage i need.
well, when you came in, that was not what was on our minds.
he walks me to my car, and i give him a picture i framed. it was taken at the palace of fine arts in san francisco. i took a picture of one of the large vases with the columns framing it. its in black and white, and i love it. im glad i gave it to him.
he wishes me luck for the test tomorrow. i ask to meet him for a massage. a real one.
lets see what happens.
he stands by the door as i run across the street to him. the night is cold and windy, but it is beautiful. he greets me, and i am shy around him. i do not know what to do, if i should kiss him, or just walk in. so i let him take the lead.
im wearing a black dress, casual with buttons down the front, under a black raincoat. im wearing my black boots. when he sees me, he suppresses a smile. i move close to kiss him, but i move away before i feel his breath on my lips.
as we walk up the stairs, he grabs my hand. this is an intimate act that ive missed so much, but i think nothing of it from him. he lets me go up first, and then he moves his hand under my dress and finds i am not wearing underwear. i never do.
he unlocks the door, and i walk in. his small place is clean, the tv is on, and the lights are on. i sit on the couch, and he kneels in front of me. he rubs my legs, and he comments on the goosebumps that have formed. yeah, im cold, i say, even though im also a bit nervous.
he moves in to kiss me, but i turn away, so he kisses my neck. he takes off my coat and unbuttons my dress. when im free of some clothes, he takes off my boots. this turns me on. i remember when willal used to do it, and once, when the buddhist undressed me. there is something erotic about a man peeling a woman.
he pushes me back with his kiss, which have turned aggressive now. i lie on the couch, and he kisses down where he spreads my legs. he opens me up and flicks his tongue on my clit and in my hole. i am moving gently, grinding against his face, he responding to me.
when he makes me cum, he moves to kiss me, and he enters me slowly. he doesnt thrust all the way, but he watches my reaction before continuing. when he develops a rhythm and when he sees me with my eyes closed, he fucks me hard.
i cannot help but cry out, and he is startled. have you ever been hit by lightning? i ask him.
no.
neither have i, but if i had been, i think thats how it would have felt.
he continues thrusting into me, kissing me, holding me, faster, faster, faster. my legs are wrapped around him now, pulling him deeper, holding him there a few moments at a time.
its awesome, so fucking good. ive missed him, hating that there is so much time in between our times of getting together. we move together, in synch, and we both cum together at the same time.
he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and i feel such a release of tension, a catharsis, that when he comes back, im so relaxed. he nuzzles into my arms, and we watch some shows. eventually, we fall asleep.
actually, he falls asleep. i set my alarm to ring in an hour, and then i try to relax. i cant. too many things are running through my mind, so i get up, and take out the handouts on piaget and erikson.
when my alarm rings, i reset it for another hour, and i lie in his arms. i fall asleep until my alarm tells me its time to go, but i cant leave. its too cold. so i reset it again.
i play this game with myself for a little while, and then we both wake up in the middle of the night. i told him earlier how i used to love it when the exbf and i wake up in the middle of the night and fuck in an almost surreal way.
he gets up, goes to the bathroom, and when he comes back, he looks at me. i smile at him, and i pull him down close to me. so you DO want to stay with me, he says.
of course i do. come here.
he spoons me, as his fingers find my clit, and he rubs it while im in a lull stage. i move my ass against his cock, and he parts my legs and enters me this way.
we are moving again, and he positions us so that im on my stomach, and his body is over mine. he pulls me up, and he lies down on his back.
i turn around and straddle him. he is pushing my ass down on his cock, and my clit is rubbing on his mound. his cock is violating parts of me that have not been violated for so long.
we both cum at the same time, and we cuddle before we both get dressed.
hey, you never gave me a massage, i say to him.
yes, i did.
no, not the kind of massage i need.
well, when you came in, that was not what was on our minds.
he walks me to my car, and i give him a picture i framed. it was taken at the palace of fine arts in san francisco. i took a picture of one of the large vases with the columns framing it. its in black and white, and i love it. im glad i gave it to him.
he wishes me luck for the test tomorrow. i ask to meet him for a massage. a real one.
lets see what happens.
Thursday, February 22, 2007
married, but soon no more
many of you may not know, though ive hinted. im married.
ive been married for two years this january to an incredibly rewarding yet time-consuming, demanding, challenging, selfish companion. and im tired of it.
soon, it will be no more. in may actually, i will begin proceedings to end the marriage, and in december, if all goes well, it will be dissolved.
i know why now ive been so lonely, so unable to enjoy the company of a man. its because of fear. i tell you, fear has consumed most of my life, both in childhood and now as an adult, in many areas including personal, professional, and social.
dines pointed it out to me today that ive used this marriage as an excuse to not be in a relationship, to not be social, to not do anything i dont want to do. shes absolutely right. because it is easier to use my marriage as an excuse rather than as a motivator to do something.
i know how i am when im married. im focused, loyal, yet i yearn to be out of the situation.
but soon, it is ending. and in a way, im going to be saddened deeply. but when i finish, when i say goodbye, i know that i will have to say hello to replace it with something in my life.
and this scares me. i know i will have to make up for lost time with my child, but lets face it, i will never be able to make up for lost time. i know i will have to pursue or at least be pursued by a man. i know i will have to attend to friendships that have been put on the wayside.
this is the air i breathe. dont get me wrong. the marriage was beneficial. i came away with something. renewed self-respect. higher self-efficacy. abundance of self-esteem. and im on a different high. i see things differently. i see life from the eyes of someone who has survived two and a half years of heaven...and hell.
i jumped from my relationship with the exbf to this marriage. one replaced the other. and its a good thing. because id rather be anchored to something that will benefit me than waste two and a half years of my life.
i wonder what is next for me? ah, yes. i had almost forgotten. ive made a promise to myself to consider a commitment now. ive addressed my professional and social lives, but never my personal/love life.
i must learn to do this. to start over, to take what ive learned, and to use it as a guide to meet him.
and in case youre interested...
eriksons eight stages of man:
infancy trust vs mistrust if a childs needs are met, trust is developed
early childhood autonomy vs shame and doubt child is exerting will over self
late childhood initiative vs guilt take initiative in education
early adolescence industry vs inferiority acquire basic skills for economic achievement adolescence identity vs role confusion tries out different roles
early adulthood intimacy vs isolation developing healthy relationships
middle adulthood generativity vs stagnation contribution to society
maturity ego integrity vs despair quality of life; second chance
piagets stages of cognitive development;
sensorimotor birth - 2 years sees world through touching and feeling
preoperational 2 years - 7 years aquires motor skills
concrete operational 7 years - 11 years concrete thinking
formal operational 11 years - onward abstract thinking
kohlbergs moral development model:
preconventional elementary school self-interest; obedience and punishment
conventional jr high - high school law and order; self-accord and conformity
postconventional college aged principled conscience; ethical
wish me luck on my comps this saturday...i think im ready.
many of you may not know, though ive hinted. im married.
ive been married for two years this january to an incredibly rewarding yet time-consuming, demanding, challenging, selfish companion. and im tired of it.
soon, it will be no more. in may actually, i will begin proceedings to end the marriage, and in december, if all goes well, it will be dissolved.
i know why now ive been so lonely, so unable to enjoy the company of a man. its because of fear. i tell you, fear has consumed most of my life, both in childhood and now as an adult, in many areas including personal, professional, and social.
dines pointed it out to me today that ive used this marriage as an excuse to not be in a relationship, to not be social, to not do anything i dont want to do. shes absolutely right. because it is easier to use my marriage as an excuse rather than as a motivator to do something.
i know how i am when im married. im focused, loyal, yet i yearn to be out of the situation.
but soon, it is ending. and in a way, im going to be saddened deeply. but when i finish, when i say goodbye, i know that i will have to say hello to replace it with something in my life.
and this scares me. i know i will have to make up for lost time with my child, but lets face it, i will never be able to make up for lost time. i know i will have to pursue or at least be pursued by a man. i know i will have to attend to friendships that have been put on the wayside.
this is the air i breathe. dont get me wrong. the marriage was beneficial. i came away with something. renewed self-respect. higher self-efficacy. abundance of self-esteem. and im on a different high. i see things differently. i see life from the eyes of someone who has survived two and a half years of heaven...and hell.
i jumped from my relationship with the exbf to this marriage. one replaced the other. and its a good thing. because id rather be anchored to something that will benefit me than waste two and a half years of my life.
i wonder what is next for me? ah, yes. i had almost forgotten. ive made a promise to myself to consider a commitment now. ive addressed my professional and social lives, but never my personal/love life.
i must learn to do this. to start over, to take what ive learned, and to use it as a guide to meet him.
and in case youre interested...
eriksons eight stages of man:
infancy trust vs mistrust if a childs needs are met, trust is developed
early childhood autonomy vs shame and doubt child is exerting will over self
late childhood initiative vs guilt take initiative in education
early adolescence industry vs inferiority acquire basic skills for economic achievement adolescence identity vs role confusion tries out different roles
early adulthood intimacy vs isolation developing healthy relationships
middle adulthood generativity vs stagnation contribution to society
maturity ego integrity vs despair quality of life; second chance
piagets stages of cognitive development;
sensorimotor birth - 2 years sees world through touching and feeling
preoperational 2 years - 7 years aquires motor skills
concrete operational 7 years - 11 years concrete thinking
formal operational 11 years - onward abstract thinking
kohlbergs moral development model:
preconventional elementary school self-interest; obedience and punishment
conventional jr high - high school law and order; self-accord and conformity
postconventional college aged principled conscience; ethical
wish me luck on my comps this saturday...i think im ready.
done deal
im going to see him tonite, and hes going to fuck me hard the way i instruct him to. but first, id like a massage, the kind that he gives that makes me want him so much more. then hes going to eat me.
its been awhile, this hot booty booty call. there is no error in writing booty twice. the man has a fucking nice ass. all that running up and down a field to chase a silly two-toned ball. and his shoulders. delicious.
the last time i saw him, i was marked. a small, tiny mark that i had forgotten about, yet when he saw it and asked about it, it brought me to the time when i inherited it.
it isnt that i want him over anyone else, but his availability makes him more attractive.
what i have with willal, for me anyway, is so calming and peaceful. there is a friendship there, a connection, a caring on both of our parts. and thats how i want it to remain.
but with this one, its all raw sex. you make me feel feminine because youre so masculine, i tell him.
and its true. hes not a friend, although once, we tried to be, i think. and i think he has to distance himself from me because of the particular situation weve found ourselves in.
i dont blame him. its tough, its shameful, but it happens. he pushes me away, not because he doesnt like me, but because he has to. fine with me. i dont want to have anything with him other than a session every few weeks.
hes such a good lover because thats all it is. one day, im going to have a man who is a mixture of all of the good things of my past four relationships.
from the red-haired boy, hes going to be as intelligent and creative as he.
from the boys father, hes going to love me and absorb me the way he did.
from willal, hes going to allow me a peacefulness based on respect and connection that is on a level ive not felt in a long time.
and from the exbf, hes going to care for me and matt, love us more than he loves himself, be strong when we need him to be, be a man at all times, be poetic and romantic, and allow me to rest with him.
and this man will have a wonderful career, an equally beautiful accepting extended family, will have a gentle spirit that shines through in his essence, and a sexiness that wont quit. and of course, he will be normal and fucking hot (like my friend).
this is the man im going to marry in maui. this is the man who i will care for and love and share an incredible story with.
im going to see him tonite, and hes going to fuck me hard the way i instruct him to. but first, id like a massage, the kind that he gives that makes me want him so much more. then hes going to eat me.
its been awhile, this hot booty booty call. there is no error in writing booty twice. the man has a fucking nice ass. all that running up and down a field to chase a silly two-toned ball. and his shoulders. delicious.
the last time i saw him, i was marked. a small, tiny mark that i had forgotten about, yet when he saw it and asked about it, it brought me to the time when i inherited it.
it isnt that i want him over anyone else, but his availability makes him more attractive.
what i have with willal, for me anyway, is so calming and peaceful. there is a friendship there, a connection, a caring on both of our parts. and thats how i want it to remain.
but with this one, its all raw sex. you make me feel feminine because youre so masculine, i tell him.
and its true. hes not a friend, although once, we tried to be, i think. and i think he has to distance himself from me because of the particular situation weve found ourselves in.
i dont blame him. its tough, its shameful, but it happens. he pushes me away, not because he doesnt like me, but because he has to. fine with me. i dont want to have anything with him other than a session every few weeks.
hes such a good lover because thats all it is. one day, im going to have a man who is a mixture of all of the good things of my past four relationships.
from the red-haired boy, hes going to be as intelligent and creative as he.
from the boys father, hes going to love me and absorb me the way he did.
from willal, hes going to allow me a peacefulness based on respect and connection that is on a level ive not felt in a long time.
and from the exbf, hes going to care for me and matt, love us more than he loves himself, be strong when we need him to be, be a man at all times, be poetic and romantic, and allow me to rest with him.
and this man will have a wonderful career, an equally beautiful accepting extended family, will have a gentle spirit that shines through in his essence, and a sexiness that wont quit. and of course, he will be normal and fucking hot (like my friend).
this is the man im going to marry in maui. this is the man who i will care for and love and share an incredible story with.
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
dichotomy
theres a word in my mother tongue that means roughly behave. it doesnt translate well, of course, because words with strength in a foreign tongue shouldnt translate well or they will lose their weight.
i dont know how to be with one person. i dont know how to be behaved when entrusted with another heart or mind. i know how to be loyal, but my actions may not indicate loyalty.
today was a day of three. calo, sputnik dog, and willal. in the mix was my friend, but we wont count him, although because the man is so pretty, i want to stare at him for a few.
anyway, calo has a sexiness about him. not in the presentation but in the essence. and sputnik dog...ive been relying on our conversations to sustain me from the repetitive motions of my life in the current moment. but willal will always be my first choice. for no other reason other than this fucking connection we have.
i want to behave, yet i cant seem to silence my impulsiveness or at least quiet it down. if i had the opportunity to have calo in me, i would have taken it. with sputnik, im not sure yet how that will play out because there are two factors worth considering that i wont mention at this moment.
willal was lonely in his marriage. he said she didnt pay attention to him. perhaps thats the nature of unions. sometimes, you take each other forgranted or the connection and chemistry werent there at all. ive been lucky. when ive had connections to men, theyve all been so deep and maddening.
he and i have this connection that i know will be detrimental to meeting others in the future. which is why i need to stop this now. well, next week before i start my new job. i need to. but i know i will be there for him when he needs me.
i used to think exbf would be in my life forever, but forever ended two and a half years ago. his presence is still here in my house, in my heart, and in my mind. i dont want to exorcise it anymore. i just need to accept it, live with it, and eventually let go of it.
for now, his influence will stay.
theres a word in my mother tongue that means roughly behave. it doesnt translate well, of course, because words with strength in a foreign tongue shouldnt translate well or they will lose their weight.
i dont know how to be with one person. i dont know how to be behaved when entrusted with another heart or mind. i know how to be loyal, but my actions may not indicate loyalty.
today was a day of three. calo, sputnik dog, and willal. in the mix was my friend, but we wont count him, although because the man is so pretty, i want to stare at him for a few.
anyway, calo has a sexiness about him. not in the presentation but in the essence. and sputnik dog...ive been relying on our conversations to sustain me from the repetitive motions of my life in the current moment. but willal will always be my first choice. for no other reason other than this fucking connection we have.
i want to behave, yet i cant seem to silence my impulsiveness or at least quiet it down. if i had the opportunity to have calo in me, i would have taken it. with sputnik, im not sure yet how that will play out because there are two factors worth considering that i wont mention at this moment.
willal was lonely in his marriage. he said she didnt pay attention to him. perhaps thats the nature of unions. sometimes, you take each other forgranted or the connection and chemistry werent there at all. ive been lucky. when ive had connections to men, theyve all been so deep and maddening.
he and i have this connection that i know will be detrimental to meeting others in the future. which is why i need to stop this now. well, next week before i start my new job. i need to. but i know i will be there for him when he needs me.
i used to think exbf would be in my life forever, but forever ended two and a half years ago. his presence is still here in my house, in my heart, and in my mind. i dont want to exorcise it anymore. i just need to accept it, live with it, and eventually let go of it.
for now, his influence will stay.
changes
theyre inevitable, you know. i read somewhere once that when you decide to change one thing, you have to change everything.
how terribly and fantastically true.
this test is a monster, but i will face it in just two days. and once i conquer it, i know it will have a dramatic impact on my life. a masters under my belt. two years of my life, of sacrifice, of time justified. there is no other choice but to pass.
and a farewell for awhile to someone i really do love. timing sucks, but im ready now for something greater than me. and hes around the corner. i can hear his footsteps before i can see his face. thats okay. its just a little while longer.
there is something so sinful about calo. just the playfulness between me and him turns me on. and the man can do other things that make me feel like i have to go to confession.
i read somewhere that when we let go, we can grasp on to other things. this may not always be best, for now, a change is welcomed.
endings sadden me. i dont deal with them very well. but ill have to learn.
i want to love again. i want to lie in someones arms and sleep again.
soon.
theyre inevitable, you know. i read somewhere once that when you decide to change one thing, you have to change everything.
how terribly and fantastically true.
this test is a monster, but i will face it in just two days. and once i conquer it, i know it will have a dramatic impact on my life. a masters under my belt. two years of my life, of sacrifice, of time justified. there is no other choice but to pass.
and a farewell for awhile to someone i really do love. timing sucks, but im ready now for something greater than me. and hes around the corner. i can hear his footsteps before i can see his face. thats okay. its just a little while longer.
there is something so sinful about calo. just the playfulness between me and him turns me on. and the man can do other things that make me feel like i have to go to confession.
i read somewhere that when we let go, we can grasp on to other things. this may not always be best, for now, a change is welcomed.
endings sadden me. i dont deal with them very well. but ill have to learn.
i want to love again. i want to lie in someones arms and sleep again.
soon.
Monday, February 19, 2007
regret
there is no other way to move it around in my mind for this man and i to end up together. even if i wanted it, which i dont, it would take divine intervention.
there was a moment there, i think, when he could have allowed this to happen, when i could have allowed it to happen, but the moment passed. here i sit now, saying goodbye yet again, necessarily but not easily.
last night, i went over there, arrogantly thinking i would not be affected. still. but hes always affected me, in such subtle yet profound ways, hes affected me.
i have to just accept this fact, and move on. it gets harder and harder to not see him, but oddly, it becomes easier.
whenever i dont see him for awhile, i need time to acclimate to him when we are together. last night was no different. but he rushed me, and when i didnt warm up to him right away, i think things began to click.
he kissed me hard after he put the sheets on the bed. he was hungry, i was reserved. i pulled back, and he was confused. when he wanted to take off my shirt, i said no.
he looked hurt. kept asking me what was up. told him nothing. he thought i was trying to hide something. he was wrong.
he looked hurt when i kept moving away from him when he tried to take off my shirt. he became concerned and asked, whats going on?
nothing.
then come here, and take this off.
not yet, i want to still do this. i licked his cock. he moaned. i licked his balls, and finally, the area that i love to run the tip my tongue on.
i cant wait any longer. straddle me.
not yet.
whats going on? his eyes conveyed confusion.
what do you mean? nothing is going on.
tell me.
what? nothing. wait, what do you think is going on here?
i dont know. its just that you would have had your clothes off by now.
do you think im that easy?
no, but we have this connection.
i know. but give me a second. im not done.
he tried to take off my sweater again, and we ended up wrestling. i love that physical aggression.
he pulled it off, easily, and inspected. found nothing. he moved to take off my pants. when i was as naked as he was, he kissed me and positioned himself between my legs.
he has a foot fetish, you know. i was reluctant when he tried to put my toes into his mouth. it drives me wild, this new thing for me, and it isnt as if i were the one with the fetish, but i know that when he does this, i am not in control.
and i dont want to be. i dont need to be.
i wish this didnt start out the way it did, with me looking for a good time, and him ... i dont know what he was looking for.
countless times hes told me he wasnt ready to be in a relationship, yet he cant let me go. its maddening. ive told him this.
and in my fear, ive erred. so much. so hurtfully, if he knew. im so ashamed, so bloody sick at the thought of what ive done.
he deserves better. hes a good person, a solid man. but im just not there.
and what if he wanted more? what could i give? nothing. i cant give anything more than the little i do give. i cant give him myself. i cant give him my heart.
i will buy him things he needs, buy his little boy something, but i will run away from him time and time again. and this makes me sick.
i wish there was another way, you know. wish that he and i could get our timing down pact, wish that he would let me in, that i would let him in, but it doesnt seem like this could happen.
hes distant. im distant. its a chasing game, and im tired of running. tired of chasing. and i assume that hes tired of the same.
so for now, i will do nothing gallantly. i will wait to see what will happen when his exwife gets her surgery and when i start my new job.
i pray that he and i can be friends for always, that whatever hurt we may experience when we find others supercede our need to be in each others lives.
there is no other way to move it around in my mind for this man and i to end up together. even if i wanted it, which i dont, it would take divine intervention.
there was a moment there, i think, when he could have allowed this to happen, when i could have allowed it to happen, but the moment passed. here i sit now, saying goodbye yet again, necessarily but not easily.
last night, i went over there, arrogantly thinking i would not be affected. still. but hes always affected me, in such subtle yet profound ways, hes affected me.
i have to just accept this fact, and move on. it gets harder and harder to not see him, but oddly, it becomes easier.
whenever i dont see him for awhile, i need time to acclimate to him when we are together. last night was no different. but he rushed me, and when i didnt warm up to him right away, i think things began to click.
he kissed me hard after he put the sheets on the bed. he was hungry, i was reserved. i pulled back, and he was confused. when he wanted to take off my shirt, i said no.
he looked hurt. kept asking me what was up. told him nothing. he thought i was trying to hide something. he was wrong.
he looked hurt when i kept moving away from him when he tried to take off my shirt. he became concerned and asked, whats going on?
nothing.
then come here, and take this off.
not yet, i want to still do this. i licked his cock. he moaned. i licked his balls, and finally, the area that i love to run the tip my tongue on.
i cant wait any longer. straddle me.
not yet.
whats going on? his eyes conveyed confusion.
what do you mean? nothing is going on.
tell me.
what? nothing. wait, what do you think is going on here?
i dont know. its just that you would have had your clothes off by now.
do you think im that easy?
no, but we have this connection.
i know. but give me a second. im not done.
he tried to take off my sweater again, and we ended up wrestling. i love that physical aggression.
he pulled it off, easily, and inspected. found nothing. he moved to take off my pants. when i was as naked as he was, he kissed me and positioned himself between my legs.
he has a foot fetish, you know. i was reluctant when he tried to put my toes into his mouth. it drives me wild, this new thing for me, and it isnt as if i were the one with the fetish, but i know that when he does this, i am not in control.
and i dont want to be. i dont need to be.
i wish this didnt start out the way it did, with me looking for a good time, and him ... i dont know what he was looking for.
countless times hes told me he wasnt ready to be in a relationship, yet he cant let me go. its maddening. ive told him this.
and in my fear, ive erred. so much. so hurtfully, if he knew. im so ashamed, so bloody sick at the thought of what ive done.
he deserves better. hes a good person, a solid man. but im just not there.
and what if he wanted more? what could i give? nothing. i cant give anything more than the little i do give. i cant give him myself. i cant give him my heart.
i will buy him things he needs, buy his little boy something, but i will run away from him time and time again. and this makes me sick.
i wish there was another way, you know. wish that he and i could get our timing down pact, wish that he would let me in, that i would let him in, but it doesnt seem like this could happen.
hes distant. im distant. its a chasing game, and im tired of running. tired of chasing. and i assume that hes tired of the same.
so for now, i will do nothing gallantly. i will wait to see what will happen when his exwife gets her surgery and when i start my new job.
i pray that he and i can be friends for always, that whatever hurt we may experience when we find others supercede our need to be in each others lives.
Sunday, February 18, 2007
unavailability
dines and i have known each other and have been friends for the last eight years. shes been with me through all of the guys ive had the past years, and shes even been there for me for support about something that would have been incredibly difficult for me to alone. more than once.
and so it isnt a surprise when she tells me today, i want to tell you something, and i hope you dont take this the wrong way, but it seems youre more interested in guys if theyre unavailable.
huh. youre absolutely right. i was just thinking about that yesterday.
i mean, i used to worry that you and your friend would get together when he was married, but now that he isnt married, youre not interested.
well, you see...
and about igra. maybe the timing is perfect now that hes broken up with his girlfriend, and youre not attached.
yeah, but theres no attraction on either of our parts.
why do you keep talking for them? didnt you have a thing for igra?
yes, absolutely. but heres the thing. when theres a window of opportunity to get together, and it doesnt happen, we just end up being friends.
dont you have enough friends?
i suppose, but what do you want me to do? i cant even imagine being with them in bed or anything.
and this is the truth. i cant help it if a guy loses his appeal, i wont sleep with him.
i need something more than ive had the last two years. im ready now.
unless he lets the window of opportunity pass.
dines and i have known each other and have been friends for the last eight years. shes been with me through all of the guys ive had the past years, and shes even been there for me for support about something that would have been incredibly difficult for me to alone. more than once.
and so it isnt a surprise when she tells me today, i want to tell you something, and i hope you dont take this the wrong way, but it seems youre more interested in guys if theyre unavailable.
huh. youre absolutely right. i was just thinking about that yesterday.
i mean, i used to worry that you and your friend would get together when he was married, but now that he isnt married, youre not interested.
well, you see...
and about igra. maybe the timing is perfect now that hes broken up with his girlfriend, and youre not attached.
yeah, but theres no attraction on either of our parts.
why do you keep talking for them? didnt you have a thing for igra?
yes, absolutely. but heres the thing. when theres a window of opportunity to get together, and it doesnt happen, we just end up being friends.
dont you have enough friends?
i suppose, but what do you want me to do? i cant even imagine being with them in bed or anything.
and this is the truth. i cant help it if a guy loses his appeal, i wont sleep with him.
i need something more than ive had the last two years. im ready now.
unless he lets the window of opportunity pass.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
conversing
i love igra. i just love him so much. i love his wisdom, his humility, his innocence about certain things.
but this love is out of friendship. hes recently ended his nth year relationship, and anyone who he has right now is rebound.
i dont want to be a rebound. so, for now, we will be just friends. status quo.
perhaps dinner on monday? who knows?
any good movies out there?
i love igra. i just love him so much. i love his wisdom, his humility, his innocence about certain things.
but this love is out of friendship. hes recently ended his nth year relationship, and anyone who he has right now is rebound.
i dont want to be a rebound. so, for now, we will be just friends. status quo.
perhaps dinner on monday? who knows?
any good movies out there?
searching for conversation
igra calls me this morning, and i still havent returned his call.
why? because of his message. he says hes feeling better, searching for conversation, the cloud has lifted.
and i got scared. friggin scared. its all about timing. he and i are finally on the same time zone. but that doesnt mean he wants to get together with me. it just means...that he and i are both free at the same time. in the past two years of our friendship, this is the first time this case has been true.
i want to get to know him. i want to talk to him, but right now, this test is weighing on my mind, and i have to really study for it. hard core.
igra and i have a connection. id even dare to say that we have chemistry. hes got beautiful blue eyes, unexpected. and hes so funny, so witty, so bright. its really awesome to know him.
in other news, yesterday was my last day of work technically. im taking all of next week off to study and to cram, and im going to pass this test on saturday.
my students are so beautiful in spirit and in looks. they are awesome, humble, and gracious. they inspire me. i hope that one day i can cook as well as they can, raise a family as well as they can, live my days with as much courage as they do.
it was hard to say good bye. of course, it is. but there is such relief in moving on and moving forward. i find this time to be so exciting, so thrilling, so scary thrilling, so welcomed. i know that more doors are opening, more spirits coming into my life, more life to live.
and for this, i thank God.
igra calls me this morning, and i still havent returned his call.
why? because of his message. he says hes feeling better, searching for conversation, the cloud has lifted.
and i got scared. friggin scared. its all about timing. he and i are finally on the same time zone. but that doesnt mean he wants to get together with me. it just means...that he and i are both free at the same time. in the past two years of our friendship, this is the first time this case has been true.
i want to get to know him. i want to talk to him, but right now, this test is weighing on my mind, and i have to really study for it. hard core.
igra and i have a connection. id even dare to say that we have chemistry. hes got beautiful blue eyes, unexpected. and hes so funny, so witty, so bright. its really awesome to know him.
in other news, yesterday was my last day of work technically. im taking all of next week off to study and to cram, and im going to pass this test on saturday.
my students are so beautiful in spirit and in looks. they are awesome, humble, and gracious. they inspire me. i hope that one day i can cook as well as they can, raise a family as well as they can, live my days with as much courage as they do.
it was hard to say good bye. of course, it is. but there is such relief in moving on and moving forward. i find this time to be so exciting, so thrilling, so scary thrilling, so welcomed. i know that more doors are opening, more spirits coming into my life, more life to live.
and for this, i thank God.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
fatigue
i am so fucking tired. i dont know what is going on with me, but im so tired. its probably emotional. ive been saying good bye to people this week, saying good bye my own fabulous way.
this is how my normal conversations go: hey, ____________. friday is my last day.
what?!?
yeah.
how come youre just telling me?
uh, i thought i told you before.
nope.
oh...well, yeah, so friday. this friday, actually.
was that two weeks?
uh, no. next week, ive got to study for my comps for next saturday.
oh. so, where are you going?
high school. in the valley. im going to be a counselor.
oh, well, congratulations.
thanks, see ya.
im an ass. i dont know how to say good bye.
i hate endings. and beginnings.
i am so fucking tired. i dont know what is going on with me, but im so tired. its probably emotional. ive been saying good bye to people this week, saying good bye my own fabulous way.
this is how my normal conversations go: hey, ____________. friday is my last day.
what?!?
yeah.
how come youre just telling me?
uh, i thought i told you before.
nope.
oh...well, yeah, so friday. this friday, actually.
was that two weeks?
uh, no. next week, ive got to study for my comps for next saturday.
oh. so, where are you going?
high school. in the valley. im going to be a counselor.
oh, well, congratulations.
thanks, see ya.
im an ass. i dont know how to say good bye.
i hate endings. and beginnings.
penultimate
ive been writing out cards for people who i liked at work. not all of them will get a card, though. its a lot of effort to think of something to say that conveys how much ive enjoyed them the last few years.
i wrote one to my friend, of course. the front of a card had a quote from eleanor roosevelt, do one thing every day that scares you. it is apropos for him, my friend who has loads of dreams but little inclination.
he is so fucking striking with his new haircut, and it takes inner strength for me to look at him in the eyes while we have a conversation because i tell you, id just fall into his arms. and fuck him.
which is the topic of our conversation today. sex. sex with students who are of age or sex with people we work with. he is surprised when i tell him that ive slept with fp and ansa both, not at the same time, but at different points of my employment. i held back about where i slept with them because i think he would have died.
he seemed a bit disgusted or surprised or both at the confession, but there was a point in mentioning it. i told him that after those two, i would never sleep with anyone i worked with. at this point, he walked away, pacing the length of my room.
there is something about him, something so fucking conflicting and slow and painful that i just want to...to what? i wish he were a bit more forward and daring, more able to overcome his insecurities and take me. i wish he were stronger, more determined. because if he were, he could have me. for one night.
and it would help him in his current situation. the man just floats from one situation to another without much aforethought, or it would seem. and hes so fucking philosophical and deep, so smart and knowledgeable. but such a pussy.
normally, i wouldnt admit this out loud, but i mean it. i want him, y'all. just in this hungry way that needs to be satisfied. would it be worth it? i dont know. i have a feeling that it wouldnt be, but id like to confirm it. hes absolutely so hot.
i want to know him better. i want to know his mind, how he thinks. hes kind of sexy. when he talks about philosophy, hes so fucking hot.
ive been writing out cards for people who i liked at work. not all of them will get a card, though. its a lot of effort to think of something to say that conveys how much ive enjoyed them the last few years.
i wrote one to my friend, of course. the front of a card had a quote from eleanor roosevelt, do one thing every day that scares you. it is apropos for him, my friend who has loads of dreams but little inclination.
he is so fucking striking with his new haircut, and it takes inner strength for me to look at him in the eyes while we have a conversation because i tell you, id just fall into his arms. and fuck him.
which is the topic of our conversation today. sex. sex with students who are of age or sex with people we work with. he is surprised when i tell him that ive slept with fp and ansa both, not at the same time, but at different points of my employment. i held back about where i slept with them because i think he would have died.
he seemed a bit disgusted or surprised or both at the confession, but there was a point in mentioning it. i told him that after those two, i would never sleep with anyone i worked with. at this point, he walked away, pacing the length of my room.
there is something about him, something so fucking conflicting and slow and painful that i just want to...to what? i wish he were a bit more forward and daring, more able to overcome his insecurities and take me. i wish he were stronger, more determined. because if he were, he could have me. for one night.
and it would help him in his current situation. the man just floats from one situation to another without much aforethought, or it would seem. and hes so fucking philosophical and deep, so smart and knowledgeable. but such a pussy.
normally, i wouldnt admit this out loud, but i mean it. i want him, y'all. just in this hungry way that needs to be satisfied. would it be worth it? i dont know. i have a feeling that it wouldnt be, but id like to confirm it. hes absolutely so hot.
i want to know him better. i want to know his mind, how he thinks. hes kind of sexy. when he talks about philosophy, hes so fucking hot.
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
romance
this is what i crave. this is what ive missed. and this is what i require from my next...romance.
today, i saw an elderly man helping his wife out of a car. i dont really know if she was his wife, but from the way he patiently walked backwards while she held on to him, i can only imagine that she was his.
its very touching when i see elderly couples holding hands or look at each other in a way that conveys an intimate conversation.
intimacy + romance = sexiness
thats the magic simple equation. its what i strive for. now, i understand that i need it whereas before i thought of this:
hot guy + me = great sex
im getting wiser. there is a little boy at work (hes 21) who has developed a little crush on me. not that i would ever reciprocate it because 1) i dont find him attractive, although he is a cutie; 2) hes got a girlfriend; 3) i know his dad; and 4) i dont want to be a babysitter...but it is very flattering.
however, i know that right now, i need to pass this fucking test in a week. and im not really attracted to anyone. i can feel my heart gloss over, and im getting back to my old self again. i like her. shes fun. shes wild.
speaking of which, i am considered a free spirit and a rebel. redundant? anyway, i find that when i try to box myself in, oh like what ive been in the last six months, im unhappy. i feel like running away. sunday, however, ive begun to feel good again. feel as if my feet are planted, and i know who i am again.
i want to get married. i know this. but he will have to be extraordinary because i cant be tamed. ive resigned myself to that fact that i have a streak in me that i cannot suppress, nor will i ever again.
i love freedom. i love independence. and i think i can still keep these two while i embark on a journey with the love of my lifetime.
this is what i crave. this is what ive missed. and this is what i require from my next...romance.
today, i saw an elderly man helping his wife out of a car. i dont really know if she was his wife, but from the way he patiently walked backwards while she held on to him, i can only imagine that she was his.
its very touching when i see elderly couples holding hands or look at each other in a way that conveys an intimate conversation.
intimacy + romance = sexiness
thats the magic simple equation. its what i strive for. now, i understand that i need it whereas before i thought of this:
hot guy + me = great sex
im getting wiser. there is a little boy at work (hes 21) who has developed a little crush on me. not that i would ever reciprocate it because 1) i dont find him attractive, although he is a cutie; 2) hes got a girlfriend; 3) i know his dad; and 4) i dont want to be a babysitter...but it is very flattering.
however, i know that right now, i need to pass this fucking test in a week. and im not really attracted to anyone. i can feel my heart gloss over, and im getting back to my old self again. i like her. shes fun. shes wild.
speaking of which, i am considered a free spirit and a rebel. redundant? anyway, i find that when i try to box myself in, oh like what ive been in the last six months, im unhappy. i feel like running away. sunday, however, ive begun to feel good again. feel as if my feet are planted, and i know who i am again.
i want to get married. i know this. but he will have to be extraordinary because i cant be tamed. ive resigned myself to that fact that i have a streak in me that i cannot suppress, nor will i ever again.
i love freedom. i love independence. and i think i can still keep these two while i embark on a journey with the love of my lifetime.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
aches and pains
he didnt get in to the lea he had been waiting for. of course, hes down. hes bruised. and im going to give him space and not contact him for awhile. in a way, this is a blessing as his life will be topsy turvy soon, depending on the events of his exwife.
had he gotten in, he would not have time for his son, leaving him in a whole other mess. im sure he wouldve figured it out, but this is what is right for him now.
im relieved, i must admit. not that he and i were to continue until all eternity, but hes got a back injury that hurts him chronically. how he would have dealt with that after the strenuous exercises and rigorous activities of an lea cadet i do not know. had he gotten in, it wouldve been over for sure, hands down without thinking twice.
as it is, its over now for sure, but for different reasons. i told him a long time ago that i wont be with someone who is a cop, and he said that that sealed the fate of the relationship. i just dont want to be a part of that scene, you know? im 420 friendly, a whore for it these days, and that alone would have compromised it.
things will turn out well for him, im sure. i know this. i feel it. he just needs to make the next step. he will eventually find love again, share his life again, but unfortunately, its not in our cards.
my problem is that i can have intense physical and emotional relationships with men, but our lives will always be parallel and never cross. it sucks, but ive learned to accept it.
he needs a break. he needs to relax, and just be a man instead of all the other hats he wears. he was supposed to go away with his cousin, but thats been put on hold. i dont trust the cousin at all. i think hes jealous.
i have the worst cramps today. i was 3 weeks late, not because of a scare but because of the stress ive dealt with, ive been dealing with. and i knew that the 3 weeks off would punish me, and here i am.
i took some mighty fine ibuprofen doses, but i think i have an allergic reaction to it. my right eye was swollen again, and i realize that the last time this happened, i had ibuprofen, too. i forget why i took it then, on the 24th of january, but that was the last time my eye swelled up.
this friday will be emotional for me, so ill do what i always do and just be on autopilot. i hate endings. i also hate beginnings. i always wish that i wake up next to HIM one day, just knowing HIM, feeling HIM, loving HIM. and i hope that when we finally find each other, i hope that we never let go.
he didnt get in to the lea he had been waiting for. of course, hes down. hes bruised. and im going to give him space and not contact him for awhile. in a way, this is a blessing as his life will be topsy turvy soon, depending on the events of his exwife.
had he gotten in, he would not have time for his son, leaving him in a whole other mess. im sure he wouldve figured it out, but this is what is right for him now.
im relieved, i must admit. not that he and i were to continue until all eternity, but hes got a back injury that hurts him chronically. how he would have dealt with that after the strenuous exercises and rigorous activities of an lea cadet i do not know. had he gotten in, it wouldve been over for sure, hands down without thinking twice.
as it is, its over now for sure, but for different reasons. i told him a long time ago that i wont be with someone who is a cop, and he said that that sealed the fate of the relationship. i just dont want to be a part of that scene, you know? im 420 friendly, a whore for it these days, and that alone would have compromised it.
things will turn out well for him, im sure. i know this. i feel it. he just needs to make the next step. he will eventually find love again, share his life again, but unfortunately, its not in our cards.
my problem is that i can have intense physical and emotional relationships with men, but our lives will always be parallel and never cross. it sucks, but ive learned to accept it.
he needs a break. he needs to relax, and just be a man instead of all the other hats he wears. he was supposed to go away with his cousin, but thats been put on hold. i dont trust the cousin at all. i think hes jealous.
i have the worst cramps today. i was 3 weeks late, not because of a scare but because of the stress ive dealt with, ive been dealing with. and i knew that the 3 weeks off would punish me, and here i am.
i took some mighty fine ibuprofen doses, but i think i have an allergic reaction to it. my right eye was swollen again, and i realize that the last time this happened, i had ibuprofen, too. i forget why i took it then, on the 24th of january, but that was the last time my eye swelled up.
this friday will be emotional for me, so ill do what i always do and just be on autopilot. i hate endings. i also hate beginnings. i always wish that i wake up next to HIM one day, just knowing HIM, feeling HIM, loving HIM. and i hope that when we finally find each other, i hope that we never let go.
Monday, February 12, 2007
finding me
only the one who hurts you can comfort you. only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away.
-madonna, sex
this weekend was a bit tough. on saturday, i had a good cry, a long cry, a goodbye cry. it was really cleansing and freeing. and in the pain and through the tears, ive found myself again.
sometimes, i have to go through this. i hate it, of course, hate every single heartbreaking moment of it. but in the end, ive found myself again.
i know what i want. i know what i dont want. and i used to think i wasnt strong enough to turn my back on people i love, but when i have to, i can. i do.
i have to protect myself.
and so im back. i felt it today when i was walking around macys...
oh, good news!!!
i start my new job on march 5th. this friday, february 16th, will be my last day. all next week, except for presidents day, i will be on personal necessity leave. then the week following that, im going to rest, go on a little vacation with my boy, and get ready for my new job.
normally, had i started on time, id be off for march and april, but because i am starting so late, theyve put me on a track where i will work until august. then september and october, im off. but of course, im going to work. how can i not? id be bored and crazy. plus the money would be good. ill work for at least four weeks.
im hopeful that by then, i will have met someone i want to be with.
only the one who hurts you can comfort you. only the one who inflicts the pain can take it away.
-madonna, sex
this weekend was a bit tough. on saturday, i had a good cry, a long cry, a goodbye cry. it was really cleansing and freeing. and in the pain and through the tears, ive found myself again.
sometimes, i have to go through this. i hate it, of course, hate every single heartbreaking moment of it. but in the end, ive found myself again.
i know what i want. i know what i dont want. and i used to think i wasnt strong enough to turn my back on people i love, but when i have to, i can. i do.
i have to protect myself.
and so im back. i felt it today when i was walking around macys...
oh, good news!!!
i start my new job on march 5th. this friday, february 16th, will be my last day. all next week, except for presidents day, i will be on personal necessity leave. then the week following that, im going to rest, go on a little vacation with my boy, and get ready for my new job.
normally, had i started on time, id be off for march and april, but because i am starting so late, theyve put me on a track where i will work until august. then september and october, im off. but of course, im going to work. how can i not? id be bored and crazy. plus the money would be good. ill work for at least four weeks.
im hopeful that by then, i will have met someone i want to be with.
Sunday, February 11, 2007
yesterday
i was writing the last post yesterday when i decided to take a break because my eyes were filling with tears. in the past six months, ive cried more times than i have in the last year, but thats because ive allowed myself to feel.
i sat down on my couch, and i was channel surfing when i came upon a made-for-tv movie on lifetime. those who know me would be surprised that i watch girly flicks. hell, people are surprised when i tell them im catholic and attend mass every sunday obsessively.
this movie was sweet, but of course, like all lifetime movies are, highly improbable, but during the two hours, im sobbing. not so much because of the movie, but because of saying good bye to certain things and certain people, and opening myself up to saying hello.
i love him, you know. but he doesnt love me. cant love me because he doesnt know me.
we started out wrong. it was more or less supposed to be other than what turned out, but im glad i was affected. it had been so long, and ive needed it and wanted it. so i got it, but here i am now, richer than i was, but alone.
there are reasons for why he was brought into my life, and i into his, but it isnt my place to ask. it is my place to sit still quietly and absorb it. and when all is said and done, i do love him and hope that he felt something for me, too.
today is a new day, o Lord...if i am to stand, help me stand bravely. if i am to sit, help me sit quietly. if i am to lie low, help me do it patiently. if i am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.
i am to do nothing right now. i miss him, but i know that this cant continue to be the way it has been. what i want is to spend more time with him, to have him open up to me, to have him reciprocate fully and completely with me.
that is what i want. that is what i need.
i was writing the last post yesterday when i decided to take a break because my eyes were filling with tears. in the past six months, ive cried more times than i have in the last year, but thats because ive allowed myself to feel.
i sat down on my couch, and i was channel surfing when i came upon a made-for-tv movie on lifetime. those who know me would be surprised that i watch girly flicks. hell, people are surprised when i tell them im catholic and attend mass every sunday obsessively.
this movie was sweet, but of course, like all lifetime movies are, highly improbable, but during the two hours, im sobbing. not so much because of the movie, but because of saying good bye to certain things and certain people, and opening myself up to saying hello.
i love him, you know. but he doesnt love me. cant love me because he doesnt know me.
we started out wrong. it was more or less supposed to be other than what turned out, but im glad i was affected. it had been so long, and ive needed it and wanted it. so i got it, but here i am now, richer than i was, but alone.
there are reasons for why he was brought into my life, and i into his, but it isnt my place to ask. it is my place to sit still quietly and absorb it. and when all is said and done, i do love him and hope that he felt something for me, too.
today is a new day, o Lord...if i am to stand, help me stand bravely. if i am to sit, help me sit quietly. if i am to lie low, help me do it patiently. if i am to do nothing, help me do it gallantly.
i am to do nothing right now. i miss him, but i know that this cant continue to be the way it has been. what i want is to spend more time with him, to have him open up to me, to have him reciprocate fully and completely with me.
that is what i want. that is what i need.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
fourteen
hes upstairs right now, playing the first of the three video games i buy for him last night. time splitters 3.
our love affair began fourteen years ago, on a tuesday, i think it was. i was in pain that day, and my sister had to drive me to the hospital when my water broke in the bathroom.
the labor wasnt too painful, but it was scary. a few months before when i had an ultrasound, i knew i was having a son before the nurse even told me. i knew it. i knew my son before he was born.
hes grown up without a father, but i think - i feel - that this was in all of our best interest. his father is still a child, and he is still angry about too many things to count.
but this boy who is growing up to be a fine man, hes got strength. hes got skills, yo. hes got smarts. hes got me.
things have been up and down, depending on the boys mood. hes so fucking cool, though, i have to overlook his crabbiness and outbursts.
he plays the violin, and last year, he got into the all-city orchestra. he also plays basketball, and last year, he was invited to try out for the all-stars in his league. the other day, he informed me that he will be in honors english when he starts high school next year.
all the hard work, all the sacrifice, all my hope...all worth it when i look at this boy. hes got such a fine spirit, a good head on his shoulders, and he will make some girl so happy one day.
now, we are just waiting for the man who deserves us.
hes upstairs right now, playing the first of the three video games i buy for him last night. time splitters 3.
our love affair began fourteen years ago, on a tuesday, i think it was. i was in pain that day, and my sister had to drive me to the hospital when my water broke in the bathroom.
the labor wasnt too painful, but it was scary. a few months before when i had an ultrasound, i knew i was having a son before the nurse even told me. i knew it. i knew my son before he was born.
hes grown up without a father, but i think - i feel - that this was in all of our best interest. his father is still a child, and he is still angry about too many things to count.
but this boy who is growing up to be a fine man, hes got strength. hes got skills, yo. hes got smarts. hes got me.
things have been up and down, depending on the boys mood. hes so fucking cool, though, i have to overlook his crabbiness and outbursts.
he plays the violin, and last year, he got into the all-city orchestra. he also plays basketball, and last year, he was invited to try out for the all-stars in his league. the other day, he informed me that he will be in honors english when he starts high school next year.
all the hard work, all the sacrifice, all my hope...all worth it when i look at this boy. hes got such a fine spirit, a good head on his shoulders, and he will make some girl so happy one day.
now, we are just waiting for the man who deserves us.
law of attraction
it states that like attracts like. i wish i had seen this episode, but i was in class. or somewhere. i dont remember.
this past week has been somewhat difficult. first, the drive to thousand oaks is annoying and lengthy, and i dont like being so tired the next day for my wednesday class. second, he has been busy or distant or whatever lately, and i dont want to deal with it anymore. third, my son turned fourteen, and im so proud of him, so in love with him, but sometimes, its difficult.
but things are good. im going to turn in my two-week notice on monday, then take off the following week to study for my comps, and by the time i finish it, ill be starting at my new job. this will be so beautiful. i want it. i need it.
its supposed to rain today, i thought. that would be excellent for my spirit. i feel protective of myself, feel the need to be quiet, pensive, introspective. my heart is broken, my ego a bit bruised, but these are growing pains, and though it isnt something i want to go through, its something i have to go through.
times like these make me want and need the exbf. i wish we were afforded a way to be together every once in awhile when i need him or when he needs me (i havent verified that he needs me, and no indications point to that since he hasnt contacted me for more than a year now, but if he did need me...).
he was my best friend, the one who really loved me and cared for me despite how i treated him or his vices. dines told me once that she took our break up hard, that she couldnt understand how i could break up with someone who was in love with me.
given the choice between love and peace, i chose peace. i have never regretted that choice, never thought giving up peace would ultimately be right. but there are times when i just need his warmth.
it still brings me to tears sometimes, this loneliness i have for him. a few times after he left, id wake up in the middle of the night feeling his presence in the room, and id break into a cold sweat and wonder if he was just here.
i used to wake up like that sometimes when he was still here. id wake up to him watching me sleep, touching my hair, smiling at me. it was towards the end of our time together when things were unbearable, and we werent sleeping together. it was the only time, he told me, that i was so at peace.
i know i can never replace him, nor do i want to, because what he and i had was so very strong and special. it was the only time when i felt connected to someone so deeply. soulmates.
chances of seeing him again are non-existent. i dont know where he is, and i really have no will of trying to find him. hes happy now, hes with someone he loves and who loves him, and our time together is over. i dont want to be pathetic about this ever, hoping to keep my dignity in tact.
and so i allow tears to fall if they want, knowing that i cant suppress it nor do i want to. i allow the feeling of emptiness without him in my life come, and in these moments, i lump willal in because i am lonely for him, too.
however, in the quietness and in the loneliness, a feeling of reassurance washes over me, reassurance that i wont always be alone, that soon, he will come, and that things are gonna be all right.
it states that like attracts like. i wish i had seen this episode, but i was in class. or somewhere. i dont remember.
this past week has been somewhat difficult. first, the drive to thousand oaks is annoying and lengthy, and i dont like being so tired the next day for my wednesday class. second, he has been busy or distant or whatever lately, and i dont want to deal with it anymore. third, my son turned fourteen, and im so proud of him, so in love with him, but sometimes, its difficult.
but things are good. im going to turn in my two-week notice on monday, then take off the following week to study for my comps, and by the time i finish it, ill be starting at my new job. this will be so beautiful. i want it. i need it.
its supposed to rain today, i thought. that would be excellent for my spirit. i feel protective of myself, feel the need to be quiet, pensive, introspective. my heart is broken, my ego a bit bruised, but these are growing pains, and though it isnt something i want to go through, its something i have to go through.
times like these make me want and need the exbf. i wish we were afforded a way to be together every once in awhile when i need him or when he needs me (i havent verified that he needs me, and no indications point to that since he hasnt contacted me for more than a year now, but if he did need me...).
he was my best friend, the one who really loved me and cared for me despite how i treated him or his vices. dines told me once that she took our break up hard, that she couldnt understand how i could break up with someone who was in love with me.
given the choice between love and peace, i chose peace. i have never regretted that choice, never thought giving up peace would ultimately be right. but there are times when i just need his warmth.
it still brings me to tears sometimes, this loneliness i have for him. a few times after he left, id wake up in the middle of the night feeling his presence in the room, and id break into a cold sweat and wonder if he was just here.
i used to wake up like that sometimes when he was still here. id wake up to him watching me sleep, touching my hair, smiling at me. it was towards the end of our time together when things were unbearable, and we werent sleeping together. it was the only time, he told me, that i was so at peace.
i know i can never replace him, nor do i want to, because what he and i had was so very strong and special. it was the only time when i felt connected to someone so deeply. soulmates.
chances of seeing him again are non-existent. i dont know where he is, and i really have no will of trying to find him. hes happy now, hes with someone he loves and who loves him, and our time together is over. i dont want to be pathetic about this ever, hoping to keep my dignity in tact.
and so i allow tears to fall if they want, knowing that i cant suppress it nor do i want to. i allow the feeling of emptiness without him in my life come, and in these moments, i lump willal in because i am lonely for him, too.
however, in the quietness and in the loneliness, a feeling of reassurance washes over me, reassurance that i wont always be alone, that soon, he will come, and that things are gonna be all right.
Thursday, February 08, 2007
needs
this week has been bad. i hate my tuesday night class at thousand oaks, and i havent really talked to him much, and i need to get him out of my system.
i need some really good sex. i need a mans cock in me, kneading my sugar walls as well as my tits and legs. i need his teeth to sink into me, lovingly, sweetly, deep into me.
i need some intellectual stimulation, some really good mental intercourse. i want to have a good conversation, to learn about someone new, to be interested again in someone.
i need a calm spirit, someone who will let me put my head on his shoulders so i can rest. i need to feed from his kisses, his hugs, his hands on my hair.
i need to breathe him in, to let all my muscles relax under the weight of his fingers on my back, to feel his breath on my shoulders as he kisses them.
i need this. i need it now. i need this man who ive wanted before i knew i wanted him. i need this man who will call me to tell me he has been thinking of me, read stories to me, fuck me in the middle of the night because he felt my ass against his cock.
i need to spend time in his presence, to bask in his blessed spirit, to swim in his love. i need to know his story, to know where he came, to know where we are going together.
i need his hands in mine, his hands on my ass, his hands in my pussy. i need his tongue with mine, his tongue on my nipples, his tongue on my clit.
i need this man, i need him now, need him to hold me. i need to know he is here for me, there for me, all around me.
and this is the strongest declaration for him that ive had. i need for him to read this.
this week has been bad. i hate my tuesday night class at thousand oaks, and i havent really talked to him much, and i need to get him out of my system.
i need some really good sex. i need a mans cock in me, kneading my sugar walls as well as my tits and legs. i need his teeth to sink into me, lovingly, sweetly, deep into me.
i need some intellectual stimulation, some really good mental intercourse. i want to have a good conversation, to learn about someone new, to be interested again in someone.
i need a calm spirit, someone who will let me put my head on his shoulders so i can rest. i need to feed from his kisses, his hugs, his hands on my hair.
i need to breathe him in, to let all my muscles relax under the weight of his fingers on my back, to feel his breath on my shoulders as he kisses them.
i need this. i need it now. i need this man who ive wanted before i knew i wanted him. i need this man who will call me to tell me he has been thinking of me, read stories to me, fuck me in the middle of the night because he felt my ass against his cock.
i need to spend time in his presence, to bask in his blessed spirit, to swim in his love. i need to know his story, to know where he came, to know where we are going together.
i need his hands in mine, his hands on my ass, his hands in my pussy. i need his tongue with mine, his tongue on my nipples, his tongue on my clit.
i need this man, i need him now, need him to hold me. i need to know he is here for me, there for me, all around me.
and this is the strongest declaration for him that ive had. i need for him to read this.
Wednesday, February 07, 2007
it wont always be this way
tonight i can write...
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
write, for example, the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.
the night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
through nights like this one i held her in my arms.
i kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
she loved me, sometimes i loved her too.
how could one not have loved her great still eyes.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
to think that i do not have her. to feel that i have lost her.
to hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
what does it matter that my love could not keep her.
the night is shattered and she is not with me.
this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance.
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
my sight searches for her as though to go to her.
my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
the same night whitening the same trees.
we, of that time, are no longer the same.
i no longer love her, thats certain, but how i loved her.
my voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
anothers. she will be anothers. like my kisses before.
her voice. her bright body. her infinite eyes.
i no longer love her, thats certain, but maybe i love her.
love is so short, forgetting is so long.
because through nights like this one i held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses i write for her.
-pablo neruda
tonight i can write...
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
write, for example, the night is shattered
and the blue stars shiver in the distance.
the night wind revolves in the sky and sings.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
i loved her, and sometimes she loved me too.
through nights like this one i held her in my arms.
i kissed her again and again under the endless sky.
she loved me, sometimes i loved her too.
how could one not have loved her great still eyes.
tonight i can write the saddest lines.
to think that i do not have her. to feel that i have lost her.
to hear the immense night, still more immense without her.
and the verse falls to the soul like dew to the pasture.
what does it matter that my love could not keep her.
the night is shattered and she is not with me.
this is all. in the distance someone is singing. in the distance.
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
my sight searches for her as though to go to her.
my heart looks for her, and she is not with me.
the same night whitening the same trees.
we, of that time, are no longer the same.
i no longer love her, thats certain, but how i loved her.
my voice tried to find the wind to touch her hearing.
anothers. she will be anothers. like my kisses before.
her voice. her bright body. her infinite eyes.
i no longer love her, thats certain, but maybe i love her.
love is so short, forgetting is so long.
because through nights like this one i held her in my arms
my soul is not satisfied that it has lost her.
though this be the last pain that she makes me suffer
and these the last verses i write for her.
-pablo neruda
Monday, February 05, 2007
taking turns
its your turn, he tells me as i try to kiss him.
he pushes me on the sofa, grabs my hands, and tries to lift my dress. he cant because i struggle with him for control.
secretly, i love wrestling with him, but we dont do it often. i think he thinks that he will hurt me, but i want him to.
come on, its your turn, he reminds me again.
i reach for him while his hands are around my wrists, and he lets them go when i take off his shirt. i kiss his chest, kiss softly one nipple where i proceed to lick circles around it.
once, when i do this, he says, youre the only one who has done that to me in such an erotic way. i love it.
i move over to the other nipple, nibble on it for awhile, then he pushes me down again so that my legs open, and i am exposed.
he kneels lower and places his tongue on my clit. his fingers find my hole, and soon, his rhythm makes me cum. i pull him up to kiss him, but he doesnt come.
not yet.
he loves when i cum. he tells me this some time ago, in the beginning.
so long ago.
its your turn, he tells me as i try to kiss him.
he pushes me on the sofa, grabs my hands, and tries to lift my dress. he cant because i struggle with him for control.
secretly, i love wrestling with him, but we dont do it often. i think he thinks that he will hurt me, but i want him to.
come on, its your turn, he reminds me again.
i reach for him while his hands are around my wrists, and he lets them go when i take off his shirt. i kiss his chest, kiss softly one nipple where i proceed to lick circles around it.
once, when i do this, he says, youre the only one who has done that to me in such an erotic way. i love it.
i move over to the other nipple, nibble on it for awhile, then he pushes me down again so that my legs open, and i am exposed.
he kneels lower and places his tongue on my clit. his fingers find my hole, and soon, his rhythm makes me cum. i pull him up to kiss him, but he doesnt come.
not yet.
he loves when i cum. he tells me this some time ago, in the beginning.
so long ago.
awhile
i need some time for me now, just time to get myself accustomed to this new way of life. the last six months were wonderful, awesome, and at times challenging, but ive grown.
i wish i could be better about men, learn how to not run and not to turn away. i wish it were easy for me to just be, to allow someone in without feeling that need to close up when things get too tight.
oddly, i feel calm and at peace. the last six months seem like a dream, a nice dream that ive needed to have. but theres the next six months to look forward to, to look ahead and move towards, to let go.
it sucks, you know, it hurts that sometimes, i cant get what i want, and that saying goodbye really means saying hello to something else.
and i have to give myself this time to mourn, to grieve, to allow my memories some space. its what i need to propel me into the next chapter.
it is not for me to question decisions made by others. everyone has their own reasons, and i cant get into the whys and why nots of things really. not now.
but i know me. if not now, then never. and thats okay. that is so wonderfully fine because ive learned, and ive grown, and ive gotten a part of me that i thought id forgotten.
we dont forget those little parts of us, do we? sometimes, theyre just hidden, waiting for their moment to shine through the light of others.
im fortunate. so blessed. there is nothing i should want. except love. now, im ready. after ive given myself time to wait, to be patient, to hurt. its necessary to feel hurt.
so many changes are coming up. so many wonderful, beautiful changes that will make me better, stronger, closer to the best me i can be. and while im excited, its going to take some time.
its going to be awhile.
i need some time for me now, just time to get myself accustomed to this new way of life. the last six months were wonderful, awesome, and at times challenging, but ive grown.
i wish i could be better about men, learn how to not run and not to turn away. i wish it were easy for me to just be, to allow someone in without feeling that need to close up when things get too tight.
oddly, i feel calm and at peace. the last six months seem like a dream, a nice dream that ive needed to have. but theres the next six months to look forward to, to look ahead and move towards, to let go.
it sucks, you know, it hurts that sometimes, i cant get what i want, and that saying goodbye really means saying hello to something else.
and i have to give myself this time to mourn, to grieve, to allow my memories some space. its what i need to propel me into the next chapter.
it is not for me to question decisions made by others. everyone has their own reasons, and i cant get into the whys and why nots of things really. not now.
but i know me. if not now, then never. and thats okay. that is so wonderfully fine because ive learned, and ive grown, and ive gotten a part of me that i thought id forgotten.
we dont forget those little parts of us, do we? sometimes, theyre just hidden, waiting for their moment to shine through the light of others.
im fortunate. so blessed. there is nothing i should want. except love. now, im ready. after ive given myself time to wait, to be patient, to hurt. its necessary to feel hurt.
so many changes are coming up. so many wonderful, beautiful changes that will make me better, stronger, closer to the best me i can be. and while im excited, its going to take some time.
its going to be awhile.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
leaving well enough alone
its the same old song, you know. the familiar words, the melody clings to my mind, and its time to pick a new one.
letting go was never my forte. it takes me a long time to set myself free, but this time, im making an effort to do it soon, quickly, without much pain.
of course there will be a sting. but it was worth it.
good times.
its the same old song, you know. the familiar words, the melody clings to my mind, and its time to pick a new one.
letting go was never my forte. it takes me a long time to set myself free, but this time, im making an effort to do it soon, quickly, without much pain.
of course there will be a sting. but it was worth it.
good times.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
yourself wrapped around me, part one
i get home last night, feeling a bit worn out and tired, not wanting my birthday to end because even though i protest, i love having the attention.
he and i text each other, and while the celebration is winding down, he calls me. he is on his way to his parents, then back home to hang out. he asks, what will you be doing after this?
i dont know. probably go home. weve been here for five hours. its time to wrap it up.
youre not going out after?
i hadnt planned on it.
im sure youve gotten invitations to go out.
some. but im done. how about you?
just go see my parents and then go home.
okay. well, let me get back to this so we can get home.
okay. ill call you when i get home.
we play this texting game where things get misunderstood, and the winner is the one who doesnt get pissed. well, last night, there were some things that got lost in the translation, and we both ended up pissy.
finally, when we managed to work ourselves up to a tizzy, we talk. misunderstandings galore. hes got a short temper, but so do i, and i told him that im one push out the door. im not going to do this stupid shit.
to make a long story short, i go over there. i look good with my hair shorter and my 38-year-old skin. he says to me, get ready because i am going to fuck you. hard.
oh? i love your confidence, but what makes you think you can?
because i know i can. and i will.
what if i dont want it?
then say no. i wont do anything if you dont want to.
okay. ill remember.
but you wont say no.
really.
yup. because you wont want to.
you dont think i can resist you?
it would be a challenge.
i get to his place, and he opens the door. he and i look at each other in the elevator, neither of us saying anything. the door opens, and we both say something at the same time, and we just smile at each other.
he unlocks the door to the loft, and we walk in. he says, no hug?
i go to hug him, and then walk backwards away from him.
no kiss?
i go to kiss him, and then i am instantly pulled into him, not knowing my name, allowing him to take control, to take me.
he unzips my jeans, and he pushes me down and begins to lick me. he is between my legs, licking, sucking, sliding fingers in and out of my cunt and my ass.
i am squirming, moaning, groaning, calling out his name. ive needed to release, as much as he does, and thats what we do.
until 3:30 this morning. needless to say, i called in sick to work on this saturday.
the story continues after a nap.
i get home last night, feeling a bit worn out and tired, not wanting my birthday to end because even though i protest, i love having the attention.
he and i text each other, and while the celebration is winding down, he calls me. he is on his way to his parents, then back home to hang out. he asks, what will you be doing after this?
i dont know. probably go home. weve been here for five hours. its time to wrap it up.
youre not going out after?
i hadnt planned on it.
im sure youve gotten invitations to go out.
some. but im done. how about you?
just go see my parents and then go home.
okay. well, let me get back to this so we can get home.
okay. ill call you when i get home.
we play this texting game where things get misunderstood, and the winner is the one who doesnt get pissed. well, last night, there were some things that got lost in the translation, and we both ended up pissy.
finally, when we managed to work ourselves up to a tizzy, we talk. misunderstandings galore. hes got a short temper, but so do i, and i told him that im one push out the door. im not going to do this stupid shit.
to make a long story short, i go over there. i look good with my hair shorter and my 38-year-old skin. he says to me, get ready because i am going to fuck you. hard.
oh? i love your confidence, but what makes you think you can?
because i know i can. and i will.
what if i dont want it?
then say no. i wont do anything if you dont want to.
okay. ill remember.
but you wont say no.
really.
yup. because you wont want to.
you dont think i can resist you?
it would be a challenge.
i get to his place, and he opens the door. he and i look at each other in the elevator, neither of us saying anything. the door opens, and we both say something at the same time, and we just smile at each other.
he unlocks the door to the loft, and we walk in. he says, no hug?
i go to hug him, and then walk backwards away from him.
no kiss?
i go to kiss him, and then i am instantly pulled into him, not knowing my name, allowing him to take control, to take me.
he unzips my jeans, and he pushes me down and begins to lick me. he is between my legs, licking, sucking, sliding fingers in and out of my cunt and my ass.
i am squirming, moaning, groaning, calling out his name. ive needed to release, as much as he does, and thats what we do.
until 3:30 this morning. needless to say, i called in sick to work on this saturday.
the story continues after a nap.
Friday, February 02, 2007
thirty eight
such a sense of gratitude for all i have this thirty eighth year of my life.
went out tonite with the crowd, and i will miss so many when i leave. i love my students, i love my friends, i love my commute.
but its time to go. you know how that goes. when its over, its over. now i just have to reconcile the other parts of my life to the new changes ahead.
i want a mans beautiful hands on my body. i love hands. not all hands, mind you. just ones that are so nice and strong and yummy. i cant describe the kind of hands i like, some of them are desireable because they are attached to a desireable mans body.
my friend has hands that i want on me. i was looking at them tonite, wanting to feel his knuckles, and then i did it. i put my hands against his. at one point, i even held it as i was proposing. dont ask.
the guy drives me crazy. hes such a pussy, such a self-confirmed pussy that i cant even tell you how much i wish he would just be a strong man. strong. why must i be surrounded by pussies? i mean, geez.
he says he is bored with his life. i understand because i am bored, too. i am genuinely bored, and i am also ready to start this new job and start a new life.
things will change rapidly. i know this. i know that my life is going to welcome in these changes and act accordingly.
and i cant wait.
such a sense of gratitude for all i have this thirty eighth year of my life.
went out tonite with the crowd, and i will miss so many when i leave. i love my students, i love my friends, i love my commute.
but its time to go. you know how that goes. when its over, its over. now i just have to reconcile the other parts of my life to the new changes ahead.
i want a mans beautiful hands on my body. i love hands. not all hands, mind you. just ones that are so nice and strong and yummy. i cant describe the kind of hands i like, some of them are desireable because they are attached to a desireable mans body.
my friend has hands that i want on me. i was looking at them tonite, wanting to feel his knuckles, and then i did it. i put my hands against his. at one point, i even held it as i was proposing. dont ask.
the guy drives me crazy. hes such a pussy, such a self-confirmed pussy that i cant even tell you how much i wish he would just be a strong man. strong. why must i be surrounded by pussies? i mean, geez.
he says he is bored with his life. i understand because i am bored, too. i am genuinely bored, and i am also ready to start this new job and start a new life.
things will change rapidly. i know this. i know that my life is going to welcome in these changes and act accordingly.
and i cant wait.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
eve
last night, dapel and i talk, and he mentions, hey, when is your birthday? i know its coming up because i remember going out to dinner. you, me, and the ponytail.
yeah, its on friday.
you were born on groundhogs day?
yup. blame it on my parents. i had no choice in it.
so, im not one for birthdays, not especially my own. i like the celebrate it in a subdued way, but tomorrow, i know there will be two parties for me thrown by my students in each class. then after work, my friend, carfi, gaya, eloico, and i are going out. this should be fun. i think my friend and i have to consumate this thing.
i keep saying that, but i dont think we ever will. im supposing that he is going to take my leaving a bit hard, but im not sure. i hope to still be friends. after all, thats all we will ever be.
*****
i cant do this thing with willal anymore. its too disappointing. lately, hes been busy because his exwife has been ill. how much more patient do i need to be?
he is a sweet person, lovely, hard working, great father. but i dont fit in his life.
and hes said that to me, that it wouldnt be fair to date anyone. i agree.
last night, dapel and i talk, and he mentions, hey, when is your birthday? i know its coming up because i remember going out to dinner. you, me, and the ponytail.
yeah, its on friday.
you were born on groundhogs day?
yup. blame it on my parents. i had no choice in it.
so, im not one for birthdays, not especially my own. i like the celebrate it in a subdued way, but tomorrow, i know there will be two parties for me thrown by my students in each class. then after work, my friend, carfi, gaya, eloico, and i are going out. this should be fun. i think my friend and i have to consumate this thing.
i keep saying that, but i dont think we ever will. im supposing that he is going to take my leaving a bit hard, but im not sure. i hope to still be friends. after all, thats all we will ever be.
*****
i cant do this thing with willal anymore. its too disappointing. lately, hes been busy because his exwife has been ill. how much more patient do i need to be?
he is a sweet person, lovely, hard working, great father. but i dont fit in his life.
and hes said that to me, that it wouldnt be fair to date anyone. i agree.
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