so, yeah

im so over this.

today was too long, too much shit packed in such a short amount of time...and then i get to do it again tomorrow.

goody!!!

today was the teachers auction, and i came in second place. stehin and i walked up to the front, and i did a little thing with him that made the kids say, ms. p, youre so mean.

but stehin, he took it in stride, and i think hes got a little crush on me. this morning, he sent me a note that said, m, we all love you. (heart) s.

it was so cute, man! but he aint no stalker, so for that, im thankful.

loupak came into my office just to chat, but the girl is so socially awkward. i think she wanted to tell me about rucue, and she tried, but im just not one to be confided in, especially if i almost slept with your man three years ago.

he was so fucking gorgeous then, but now, the appeal is gone. pfft. just like that. my attention span scares me sometimes.

i took so many pictures of javris kids and wife. i love them so much. taking pictures is what i want to do for a living.

and i spoke to vida. told her that i want to leave, but if i stay i wouldnt mind going to her department. new blood. shes a good one to whisper to because she gets shit done.

im not looking forward to a fucking meeting tomorrow with the whole gang. thank god megbro is going. im going to take notes, but im also going to try to write this letter of recommendation for a really good kid.

more about the boys father and the conversation we had. its funny. its eerie. and i hope that this is not the man that marvi tells me to wait for.

but man, we had great sex.

and a great love.

from what i remember.

but my memory fails me.

thank God he lives so far away. and i think hes seeing someone.

cool.

in pieces

i said, for the past two years, ive had my nose buried in a book. this program was a real sacrifice of time and sleep and doing fun stuff.

he said, but youve always had your nose in your book. its your passion. its what youre good at doing.

its the only way i know to get ahead in this field. i had to keep going back to school. i didnt want to grade papers for the rest of my career. i didnt want to work 50 hours a week. im a single parent. i have priorities.

yeah, i guess we both know how hard it is. we are both single parents.

from a conversation the boys father and i had earlier, a conversation that lasted almost an hour, and at the end, left me feeling so...unusually...calm.

*****
today was a wasted day at the meeting, but i did let vida know that i want to work with her. when i was leaving the parking lot, she said to me, are you really serious about coming down to us?

yes, i am.

of course i didnt tell her that i intend on leaving this school and this district.

i cant handle it anymore.

*****
the boys father still can make me laugh with his sarcasm. and i still affect him with my...laugh.

i dont know. i dont want to move to sacramento, and i dont think he will move here.

wtf am i even saying?

its been a long day.

disregard, and carry on, my wayward son.

word

and in the end, its not the years in your life that count. its the life in your years.
abraham lincoln

honest.

change is exciting

but the waiting around is boring.

it would be easy for me to cave in, just throw in the towel, and say, fuck it...and fuck me. but i wont. i cant. i shouldnt.

because then it would obliterate the lessons from the past year, and one in particular which possesses the most meaning.

so, im going to be patient. just twiddle my thumbs, and work more on my project, which is taking a twist for the better.

this week is pretty fucking busy, i just realized when making plans with some people to take pictures, go out for drinks, or go to search.

i have a meeting here on wednesday and here on friday. on thursday, its the phabao conferences from 5:30 p.m. to 7:00 p.m., and on friday night, its the hsm play that my cousin is the lead in. saturday, im going to have breakfast with ginah, then we are going to work at search. sunday, im going to hang out with the boy in the morning.

my photo shoots are on thursday before the conferences and on sunday afternoon. im just praying that im not going to be too fatigued.

next week isnt looking too easy either, now that i think about it. ive made plans to hang out with elaro while the boy is at orchestra practice on monday...and then napa on tuesday...the boys rehearsal on wednesday...im going to my project no matter what on thursday...and then its the boys music festival on friday.

fuck.

i dont want to be this busy, but sometimes, i cant do anything about it except live it out. i hate it, you know? hate that im moving too much, and i have to compromise sometimes my promise to be good to myself.

ive realized that if im not in the mindset to take photos, my pictures come like shit. i took some great shots yesterday at the park for a baby shower that i was invited to not knowing it was a baby shower. i love the expressions of the kids, the ones that arent so posed, the candid shots.

this is what i want to do.

i had a conversation with someone about photographing weddings, but i forget who that person is now. oh, i remember who. its with a highly negative, shark-toothed, undesirable guy, not because of his face, but because of his personality. and he was a bit fugly.

anyway, i dont want to do weddings anymore after snapping lines nuptials. well, correction: i dont want to capture large weddings. fifty or more is too grand. i like the more intimate weddings.

yesterday was a perfect day for me. i got my massage, hung out at the bookstore and browsed through shelves and magazine racks, and i filled my mind with notes about celebrities and how memory fails us.

my memory is really becoming faded, perhaps from all the herbal medication ive been taking. but the article in national geographic was filled with tons of great research-based, empirical research.

for christmas, i requested from my sister two subscriptions: dwell and national geographic.

my maternal grandfather had boxes of this magazine stored, and when he died, we went through them. i dont know what happened to them, but i hope my grandmother didnt throw them away. im going to ask her for them.

he also did crossword puzzles, and i believe that he and i were bonded in that way. not that we did them together. and my sons affinity for classical music was derived from his love of the genre.

i need to get away.

thanksgiving was an experience. i cannot stand my bil...and it took so much to not say something to him. when he asked me to take their family picture, i almost told his ass off when he told me how to take it. i mean, his camera is an expensive version of mine, but he doesnt use it...and he doesnt have any technical savvy.

when i tried to teach him how to frame a shot so that it would look better, he said, you lost me. thats so artsy.

how the fuck is it artsy, when all he has to do is not use so much sky or too much grass (giggle, giggle). but maybe he should have some grass because he is a whiny, spoiled asshole?

see, i felt this way about him before he married my sister. i mean, i couldnt stand him. when i got back from college, and she introduced me...i just didnt have a good feel for him.

but when they married, when they had my beautiful baby girls...i had to overcome this. and to do so meant not seeing him.

he commented once or five times, you only come over when im at work.

i said nothing. he was right. what could i say to make it less obvious? nothing.

ive been taking to elaco about going up to hang out in the city, just taking three days to get the fuck away from this one, maybe go see some colleges and take some lovely shots.

OH...and guess what?

the boy got accepted to a program in japan. we leave in the summer of 2008.

im leaving poly for sure in june. come hell or high water. ive grown tired of the counseling staff who dislike me because, as my students put it, they are haters. dont hate you because they aint you.

ive got to finish my hours at gusd next march and april no matter what. dines and i have not spoken, and ive turned down her invitations to hang out for coffee. i just dont have the appetite for her shit, you know?

okay, im going to read now. i havent read for pleasure for over three years.

its time.

ciao.

chilly

i dread this time of the year, when it gets really cold. these tall ceilings serve only as a refrigerator-like box. im going to buy this heater dish at costco to heat me up because im frozen.

i got an awesome massage today, but it was a deep tissue massage, and not by request. she was pissed off at her husband, and the more she talked about what happened, the deeper she got.

and it made me think again of this other masseuse who i miss sometimes. but not often.

ho-el asked me to go to the movies yesterday, but the boy and i were on the westside having lunch with dapel. and brype and his two girls were there, too.

after, i told dapel, isnt he so funny?

thats what he says about you. that every time he goes to your office, theres like a comedy show or something.

hes funny, too. and hes such a nerd. he printed out a ten-page article on my last name when we first met. arent his wife and baby girl beautiful?

when we parted, dapel and i promised to have lunch more often, to see each other even though our program ended. there are some cute cafes out there, and i feel so comfortable there.

the boy and i took off to santa monica to shoot some pics for sylbro. the smoke from the fires made it seem overcast, and the lighting was off.

i got some good shots, though, some that ive always wanted to take, and im going to show them to sylbro.

on other news, my cousin is dating a salvi. she asked if ive ever been with one, and i told her the sordid details of my experiences with the men and boys of that country and how they are my weakness.

i spoke to marvi the other night, this wonderful salvi exstudent of mine who i love so dearly.

she said to me, be patient. he will come. if you rush it, it wont be good.

i dont even want to be with anyone right now. im enjoying this time with my son, this freedom to not worry that im not with anyone.

thats so good.

it is. but i still miss him.

let it go. you know, hes not...

i know. im not doing this on purpose. time isnt going fast enough for me to forget.

but im not dwelling on it. and i have to just close it.

sometimes, however, i miss the kissing most.

that and the sex.

its been so long...without any prospectives in sight.

and thats all right by me.

a couple of years ago

- i was heartbroken and relieved by the ending of a beautiful, stormy relationship.

- i fucked a guy in my classroom. it was good the first time, but it shouldnt have gone on any longer.

- i made out and was fingered in a movie theater by a delicious kisser. we put on a show in front of people who had no idea what we were doing moments earlier, and in the middle of it, he looked at me and winked. later, we went back to his place, and we had a great fuckfest.

- i started a project, made progress, and hit a plateau. i need to go back to it.

- i entered a masters program, sacrificed time and sleep to complete it, and have to put on the finishing touches before putting it all behind me.

- i discovered one of my callings, and i realized im good at it, but i need to celebrate it.

- i made a list of goals, and i have completed many of it, but still need to do a bit more.

- i recognized how much i value my freedom, but i often wonder if im really free.

- i made a search, and i will never be the same person again.

- ive found that im my own best friend.

- i chatted with a man, a photographer, who had the best sense of humor and the most creative eyes, who wanted to meet, but i declined. and this ive regretted since.

- my home became my sanctuary, and i would rather be here than anywhere, but ive outgrown it so now i need a new place to make my haven.

- i began my evolution...and im ever so grateful.

growing pains

the boy used to complain alot when he was in 7th and 8th grade that his knee joints hurt. he was in pain, even though he was never high maintainance when he was sick.

the first time he got an ear infection was at 18 months. he never cried or was fussy. i realized that he was ill when i woke up at 4 in the a.m., and i looked over at him, his eyes watering, his body at 104 degrees.

the real pain came when he had to take antibiotics. he hated medicine, so it would take bribery, cajoling, threatening to try to get him to take it. the only way it worked was to hold him down, which took at least three people (the kid is willful stubborn, and adrenaline kicks in) and struggling. he spat back most of the medicine, so i had to keep getting refills.

the aches in his joints were due to growing pains, as confirmed by his pediatrician and some of my friends who had children who experienced the same thing.

the pain subsided after a day or so, and it wasnt constant, so some tylenol usually eased his misery. but the result of this pain was that he shot up two or three inches almost overnight.

it was fucking amazing and expensive, the same. his clothes no longer fit, and an impromptu shopping trip ensued.

the kid is tall, about 6 inches taller than i am, and he lanky. hes one of the tallest kids in his class, and one of his closest friend is on the really short end. taking pictures of them is pretty funny.

im experiencing growing pains myself, except mine is not so much physically since im bound to stay 5 feet until osteoporosis hits. my affliction is more towards my spiritual and mental and emotional condition.

i feel displaced in the environment im in. i know this all too well.

in special education, they have the least restrictive environment for all students with disabilities. this could mean that they were able to be in mainstream classrooms with a pull-out at least once a day. or it may be that the right placement was a special day class, where the students were in one classroom with students who had similar disabilities, learning or physical or emotional.

the right placement allowed a student to flourish, the wrong one aided in his/her failure.

i am not in a least restrictive environment. im failing.

no, not failing. im still doing what ive been doing all this time, but i feel...im not doing anything to my full potential.

its robotic. its rote. its mindless.

autopilot.

i dont want to be like this. i want to experience the richness of the smallest of things. i want to be aware of where i am, and what im doing.

ive picked up the power of now again to try to figure this out. i read it once, two years ago, and it helped some.

but if i were to be honest with myself, if i were to face the fear of putting something out there and carrying through with it, the real reason for my internal upheaval is this: i need to get the fuck out.

out of this abode.

out of this city.

out of this job.

out of this mindset.

but my skin, ill keep.

i love my skin.

off now to take pictures. this should settle my soul some.

the grace of gratitude

for:

1. family and friends that i havent seen for so long because life is always changing my plans
2. health, peace, and safety
3. insight based on reflection and lessons learned, even though ive been a challenging student
4. wisdom from the experiences ive been fortunate enough to have had, whether they were good or bad, they were enriching
5. opportunities to meet different people, see different places, take in different cultures, participate in all things different

6. possibilities of conforming to a new lifestyle in a completely new dwelling, of having another career on top of the one i have, of living a life worth living the way i am meant to live it
7. continued blessings throughout the year
8. deep and real love, equally deep and real hurt, overcoming fears, overwhelming happiness, growing pains, bridges burned, the excitement of beginnings, and the bittersweet anticipation of endings
9. sermons that touch me, that cause action, that cause deep study, and that renew me
10. everything i take forgranted: hot water, electricity, abilities, senses, music, movies, words, expression, art, sex (soon, i promise myself, soon), scent of flowers and perfume, dogs, passing in and out of love, and my life the way it was, the way it is, the way it will be

11. the people i will never meet but will enhance my life by protecting this country, by keeping the streets i play on safe, by safeguarding the words and images i produce
12. the people who want nothing in return for their services, the angels who walk amongst the devils in us
13. the people who care for the sick, who sit with them through their physical and mental agony, and who heal them
14. the people who see what i cannot sometimes see...and tell me their vision
15. the people who inspire me through words, images, sounds, scent, touch

you will find my indebtedness for these graces deep in my heart and throughout the skin i live in.

on writing

before, i used to constantly write in my journal. i bought the best kinds, filled them with plans, fears, ideas, hopes, quotes, cartoon clippings, horoscopes.

id take my journal with me all the time, and i still do, but i dont write in it often anymore. i wont make up excuses or lie to you; fact is, i just...feel more comfortable on this journal.

i was known as "the writer" back then. everyone said i was good, that my letters were powerful. i wrote letters to the redhaired boy every day in boot camp, and then every day when he went to the gulf war three years later.

he wrote to me, too. beautiful letters about the challenges, the loneliness, and the need to persevere regardless of being broken down and remolded into a soldier.

the man was a gifted writer. i remember, he wrote this amazing paper on the hang gliders that took off from the la jolla cliffs. he took me there to observe as an assignment for his english class.

not only was he talented with words, he was so fucking smart with numbers. his major was in physics when he started, then he changed it to chemistry in sacramento.

after the boy was born, the redhaired boy wrote me a letter. he said, if you want, we can get married. i always thought id be the father of your child.

the boys father wrote to me also, and his letters were honest and real, no fanfare, no flowery language. after i left our life in sac, he sent me a short letter that said, its strange that you are no longer here. i get out of the car, reaching for your hand, forgetting that youve gone. i feel empty, like someone has died.

that made me so sad, but i was numb then, so i didnt react. i wanted him to be a different person, to be someone so different that the only thing i wanted to remain were his name and our love and his gorgeous face. i didnt want him to be the man who went silent whenever he was hurt or angry.

the real reason i left was because we had simply stopped talking. we still had great sex, but we never said anything to each other anymore. it was the first time i realized that we would have nothing to say to each other, and i could not see myself spending my life, no matter how much he and i loved each other, in silence.

i remember crying for hours next to him the night before i was to go back home. we said nothing. he held me, and he wiped my tears, and he kissed me, and he made love to me. but he said nothing.

once, he called me and said, i need to talk to you. can i call after work?

of course. whats wrong?

my girlfriend broke up with me.

really? i just broke up with my boyfriend today.

when he called, he told me what happened, and when he finished, he asked, why did you leave me?

huh?

why did you leave me and go back home? i never knew.

four years had passed. he never asked, and i still never told him. fourteen years later.

the exbf was a rebel with a poets soul. he was a bad boy, but got along with everyone. he was an old soul to my young spirit, and he made me feel so cared for.

i love the letters he wrote for me, even though his spelling was atrocious. i loved his ideas, his command on the language, the way he weaved words together to form stories.

i was very privileged. i love when a man can write.

there are two bloggers who i am completely in love with based on their eloquence. they are both so expressive, and i find myself seduced and inspired. oh, to be a fly on the wall just for one hour of their lives.

but more importantly, i want to know how their mind works, how they observe and perceive the world around them, and how they put down and mark it as their own.

im so easy.

eureka!

i think ive figured out what the fuck has been the source of my funk.

its simple really, if i had just sat down and listened to the winds and to the birds and smelled the scent in the air, its all rather...obvious.

in the last four months, these events have occured: ive ceased communication with w, with dines (thats just recently), and with other virgos in my life; ive had an art show, met some fantastic artists, gotten some excellent feedback on my work; ive finished school, which freed up some time for the devil to play on the grounds of an idle mind; my son started high school, and with it came a decision to devote time to him and him alone; ive become celibate again, a choice that makes me feel so cleansed and certain.

so, what the fuck was the problem?

my life is changing. not just changing, but evolving.

the ending with w, while not a surprise, was still a great loss, and eventually, i pray that he and i will talk again, and perhaps have a honest friendship. hes a ghost now to me, and his memory haunts me, but it doesnt take over like it did before.

dines was a good friend, but i dont recognize her anymore, and its become so difficult to find the me i was when i was with her. weve grown apart, and its no ones fault, but we just moved on and moved away.

school is over, except for 160 more hours and four more classes that i will take in the spring. the stress from that has pretty much dissolved, but the stress of not having classes anymore needs to be addressed.

my photography is good, and im just getting better, and i want to pursue it. i met a man who has never had any formal or technical training, and his work is tauted. fuck that. hes got a great eye, but so do i, and i can do it. i just dont have confidence in myself, even though people have said good stuff. and it isnt that they had to say it, but i think their initial reactions of awe suits me.

the boy has a challenging class load, and i have to be here to help him, to support him, to cheer him on. he is so smart, and i need for him to have the chance to succeed. its his turn now, and my attention is earmarked only for him.

i dont miss sex, but i miss the intimacy. i wont, however, just fuck anyone anymore to try to achieve that intimacy, but thats because of w. he taught me some priceless lessons, and ive always said that i hope ive taught him some also.

so, now that i have all the pieces to the puzzle, i have to put it back together again, but this time, it will look a bit different. its okay, though, it will still be my life, it will have some aspects that are recognizable and others not.

and that is a good thing.

im going to sleep now.

unearthed

its been an everyday occurrence, well almost everyday, that i stop and realize that i fucking have outgrown my life.

im not the same person as i was six months ago, a year ago, hell, two weeks ago, yet i function and i behave as if i was.

theres this growing and nagging feeling that wont go away, that wont be suppressed, that has decided it wants to be heard and acknowledged and is fighting its way to be unleashed.

it made itself known once, and the end result was me leaving the boys father and an apartment in a city that i hated so much only to move back to a city that i hated more.

before that, though, my earliest memory of this haunting was when i left a suburb of chicago to move to the urban jungle of la.

do you know this feeling?

it invades my blood, moves through me slowly, making permanent scratches in every inch of my veins, and i want to escape.

but how do i run away from my demons?

ive cleared people from my life, the ones with whom i have history, the ones who no longer recognize me. and sadly, i them.

ive given up activities ive done in the past, fun activities like sex, and drinking too much, and being so dramatic, and flirting, and allowing my spirit to roam.

ive become more reflective, enjoying time alone or with my son, of making decisions to bail from this fucking piece of paradise.

ive become more creative, thanks to him, wanting to see more, do more, experience more.

ive become more thinking, which has given me a reputation of being intelligent.

ive gone back to wearing black again, of wearing black tees, black scarves, black shoes, black socks, but never black undies or bra, or black pants, or black nail polish.

ive found that my home is my sanctuary again, has been for the last three years since the exbf left and with him left the unrest that i felt for three years prior. but sometimes, my home is too big for my wounded soul, and the unlikely place where i feel swaddled is inside my car in my garage or any not-too-busy parking space, especially if i have some good music blasting through my bose speakers.

i know that the source of this indifference lies somewhere deep in me, and i am the only one who can unearth it. but thankfully, mercifully, i have help from resources like napa, from my beautiful nikon camera, from my journal that waits patiently for my returns, from my constantly evolving perspectives, from plain aging.

do i want someone in my life?

honestly, i dont even think about it, unless something reminds me that i am alone. alone does not equate to loneliness, but thats just because i never feel lonely. even if my daily life is filled with the mundane, i always have something to do...or something to think about.

men at work...no, not the group...have really pissed me off by trying to invade my space...and no, not myspace...so ive become a cold bitch. and im so unapologetic about it, so fucking unphased by it now, that i dont give a shit anymore.

i hate that i catch myself always ranting and raving on this page, but nothing has been happening in my life...no, wait, thats not true.

today, the boy had an interview for the people to people student ambassador programs. it wasnt formal at all, but it was a great experience nonetheless.

if he makes it through this step, and he is invited to go, then im leaving with him.

oh, and ive made a decision to leave poly in june. for sure. its just not working out for me with the constant programming, the tiring commute, the people, the dirty environment. its just not me.

i mean, it was fun for awhile, and the experience was unlike any other, but while im grateful...im also uninterested now. and besides, i always feel fatigued that i am a zombie as soon as my ass hits the couch.

a part of me is very guarded and closed off to the idea of introducing any man into my life or my sons life. im just not meeting quality men, not really looking past anything.

i wont lie to you, its partly me and partly them. and im just not ready, not because of a man, not because of him or the exbf, but because of me. because i was never ready, and still am not.

even with the redhaired boy, i wasnt ready, didnt want to be tied down, had hours long conversations of why i cant be attached. but at the end, i always caved and tried to convince myself that the feeling of being boxed in would eventually fade.

but it didnt. and so, when i met the boys father, even though i never wanted to escape from him, i still wanted to escape from me. he once said to me, m, you can keep running, but eventually, youll catch up to yourself.

i wanted to go back to sac after having the boy because i hated la so much then. now, my dislike for this city has lessened, but not by much. i think im just insensitive to it now.

when i met the exbf, i knew i wasnt ready, but i was so drawn to him in a way that was deep and soulful. our connection was immensely unbelievable, and i dont understand it still today. when he still lived in new york and i here, we had an amazing conversation.

the next night, he was supposed to call, but i had fallen asleep waiting, and i woke up suddenly feeling as if he was right next to me, his hands in my hair moving it from my face, his voice whispering my name to wake me.

as soon as i sat up, the phone rang, it was him, he had been watching the aurora borrealis so he couldnt call earlier, but he just got home, and he wanted to say good night to me after describing what he saw.

our connection was so strong that i knew when he was moving closer and closer to me while he hitchhiked across the universe known as the united states.

and even now, if i allow myself to settle and to clear my minds of all thoughts except for him, if i do this, i can feel him still. it isnt as strong as it was before, but its recognizable.

i wonder sometimes if he didnt put a curse on me when he said, you will never find anyone who will love you or who you will love as much as me.

shit.

because so far, its true.

im looking forward to 2008.

accomplishment

i finally did it, and im so proud of myself. im riding dirty on this train of feeling good and unafraid now.

this isnt my fault, i know. ive reviewed my behavior because thats what im responsible for. im not responsible for others feelings, others sense of worth, others behavior.

i know better next time.

and thats all i have to say about that.

pick up thoughts

when i was younger, i thought that the most worthless game in the world was pick up sticks. you know what this game entails, yes?

you have 50 long, multicolored plastic sticks, you hold it in a bundle, then you let it go. each player is assigned a color or colors, and you have to grab as many sticks as you can. because the sticks may fall on top of each other, you may not want to choose the stick on the very bottom of a pile because if you move another stick while attempting to recover the one you want, you lose a turn.

when i started playing it, i erroneously thought that it would be easy. but the more addicted i was to the game, the more challenging it became. when i move to my loft with its concrete floors, im going to buy the game and play it again.

so many things happen in a day, so much traffic in my mind that i dont want to fucking stop so i wont have to digest and process.

but when its quiet, when its just me and me alone, i play pick up thoughts. which should i address first? which should be given priority to entertain? which will be the easiest to deal with and then get rid of?

im sick of this fucking city, disgusted by the fucking smell of the pollution, and abhor how things change to same thing over and over again.

i told a student today, i see life as a train sometimes. there are days when i just want to watch it pass by, and other days when i want to get on it and ride it wherever its going to take me.

i need to leave. ive never felt this desire as strongly as i once did when i first moved back. its more than my spirit yearning to be free.

ive outgrown this environment, the people, my self-created situations. it doesnt suit me anymore.

and i cant very well deny it or excuse it or manipulate it anymore: the fact is...ive got to run away.

i want to breathe clean air and sweet smelling fragrances. i want to not feel like my whole body is covered in soot, and i have to shower because i feel so unclean.

i want to have quietness, get away from traffic, and most of all, escape from people.

im done, and i know it, and now i just have to act on it.

it may take awhile, but as far as im concerned, all my things are in a box to the left.

wwmd

yjc has a serious crush on cricu. last night, he called after he messaged me about 10 times, and he confessed many things.

it sounds like youre going through a quarter life crisis, i commented.

yeah, i think i am.

understood. i suffered one, too. how old are you again?

turned 27 on friday.

oh, right.

we talked for about 40 minutes, and he asked me, m, just tell me who is text stalking you. come on, i tell you everything. really secret stuff.

so i told him. he was surprised. and i told him that i never go out with anyone older than me, never had the desire, never will. but i told yjc that it seems my non confrontational, passive ways of not returning messages, of ignoring notes, of being distant may have worked. because there has been no word from the text stalker all weekend.

until today. first, there was a fucking note in my sign in card. then he stopped by. then finally, at the end of the day, he messaged me again.

now, im getting pissed. fiery angered by this desperate, stalking way of pursuit. it turns me off, and if he thinks that hes going to wear me down, hes fucking wrong.

i have to carefully plan this out, but as it is, i feel stretched out emotionally. my kids are so needy right now, and after the trip today to mission college, they stopped by for at least forty five minutes.

it was either them or the shrunken head talking to me.

why cant the one i really want pursue me as heavily as the text stalker?

why cant the one i really want ask me for advice?

why cant he know how much i fucking want him, how it hurts me to not share my day with him, how i wish i met him when the timing was right for both of us?

why?

a possible gig

met with hanga earlier, and we talked about the type of shots she wants for her engagement pictures. were going to do it at the mission here in san gabriel.

it will be a busy day after thanksgiving. thats when i have all these photo ops scheduled. three in total. forget about sleeping in, forget about relaxing.

its crazy, right?

fuck.

sometimes, i amaze myself.

new love

i have a new love, and its kicking my ass. its still the honeymoon period, but dammit, im sore.

im not going to give up on this, no way. i owe it to myself to stick it out, and i will.

im still learning, still getting used to the idea. and i love it.

it isnt what you think, this new love of mine, but in time, ill reveal everything about it.

ah, young love

a text from yjc: we have to talk.

he came over after school, after a wasc meeting that was unforgivably boring. i try not to be a bitch, but when im pushed, i have to be. the farter, who is on my wasc team, said to me, you need three agendas, not two.

my response was, sorry, i cant count. after all, im just a counselor.

this cool pe teacher laughed and said, i cant read. im just a pe teacher.

anyway, yjc came by to tell me that his crush is crushing him. she has a boyfriend who she doesnt love but feels obligated to be with.

he is seriously crushing on this girl who is lovely, young, and sweet. i totally approve of this, not because he needs it, but hes so different.

he struggles with this, with being patient, with timing. i told him that it was on her time, her choice, and if he wants to be with her, he needs to give her space.

during dinner, he called, and i can hear it in his voice how painfully sucky this is, and i blurted out, youve gotten whoever you want, and now you have to be patient. if you rush it, youll freak her out and annoy her.

i didnt tell him i speak from experience.

he read off his text messages between them quickly, and then said, do you mind me telling you all this?

no, of course not.

good. because youre my counselor, and im glad about that.

cool. better than that bitch barney.

hell no. cant stand her.

ugh.

hey, how come you never tell me anything about yourself?

huh?

you never share anything about your life.

well, true. ive been told this so many times lately, and i wonder why people have become so interested?

oh, but...

im going to watch the season finale of the bachelor: brad follows his heart.

come on, you know you want to see who wins.

ugh.

i fail myself sometimes.

but all in good fun.

illogical

so, im watching the bachelor: women tell all purely for entertainment purposes because im not even interested in the guy...or the blondes really.

its incredible how many times the stupid ass host says, so you were really falling in love with him.

what the fuck is that? you can fall in love with a guy who goes out with other blondes in front of you? i dont understand. i cant comprehend how these blondes can fall so quickly. and if this fucking stupid ass host does not stop fueling with, you thought you were going to find true love.

i have no respect for this show. it plays with love, the superficial love that i mean when i say, im so in love with that car/that fragrance/that cute little baby.

because i know what that feels. when im caught up with the moment. and i dont want to fall in love unless i love that person.

i go around about this in my head, the difference between being or falling in love and loving someone. i love w. i love him because i care about him the same way i love the exbf and the boys father and the redhaired boy.

this love i feel for them is deep and real and untouchable and unchangeable really. it comes after the hurt in my heart has glossed over by fond memories, by genuine care, and by good wishes.

have i ever been in love? very superficial, but yes, ive been in love. i fall in love all the time, with songs, with ideas, with kindness. but i also fall out of love quickly. this has, in the past, saved me and scared me both.

but love is sacred. its on a pedestal, and it frightens me because i love so passionately that it consumes me. it blinds me, it seduces me, and thank God, its never led me wrong.

ive only loved these four men. and it wasnt instant, not at all. with my cautious spirit, i entered a space that we occupied, and i dont regret one moment of it.

not at all.

because i respect love in that way.

but i also realize that love can be forever. being together may not be eternity. it doesnt take anything away.

in fact, the bittersweetness of love enhances every emotion, every action, every single experience.

but i wont give my love away to just anyone.

im too sacred for that.

deliberating endings

whenever i deliberate ending a relationship or a friendship or an acquaintance, its slow and painful. i never do it out of haste, suffering more than i need to by staying to see if i will change or if the person will.

i know im not the only one who does this, im sure most of you do also. and im not trying to minimize anyones agony of such a decision, but for me, its very excruciatingly distressing.

and so, here i am, at the crux of having to decide whether or not to cease all communication with dines indefinitely.

ive avoided her for the past three weeks. its been easy, and it seems good for her boyfriend. i spoke to her briefly yesterday, and she said she was in a weird thing with him, but that she had a date with a guy who has a phd in political science.

she asked if i wanted to get breakfast with her yesterday or today, but i told her i had plans, even though i canceled on edpe.

she messaged, rather demandingly, call me so i can tell you about my date. that was yesterday. i didnt respond to it.

this afternoon, when i was with the boy, i received, working on my thesis. call me when you have a chance. having dinner with sean tonite. hes the phd guy.

i returned with this: good luck and have fun. talk soon. next week is busy. bye.

next week is pretty full, but of course, id make time for her or for anyone i wanted to hang out with, but thats the key phrase: anyone i wanted to hang out with.

this relationship has been really poisonous for about two years now. two summers ago, i told her i needed a six-week break because i had class twice a week for four hours a night. i couldnt deal with that and with her, so i disengaged.

she didnt understand, and she kept calling and calling and texting...and she thought i was with a guy. i had to tell her that this time was reserved for me and for reading this stupid book for a dumbass instructor. she didnt believe me.

during christmas last year, i shut everyone out except for w, and she didnt comprehend that i was battling some inner demons, and that i couldnt wouldnt didnt want to fight her, too.

and it isnt fair to her or to me. i dont want to treat people this way, yet i do. im non confrontational, but when backed up against a wall, i will fight my way to freedom.

but she isnt the only one who gets this treatment. the text stalker hasnt contacted me for two days because i was...fucking distant.

and others who try to invade? i behave the same way.

there are times when i need to be selfish with myself and with my time. i cant shut my son off, so unless hes with his father, im his twenty-four/seven.

im not complaining about that because i love the kid so much, even though the past three days have been rough with the conflict and attitude and the way i react to him.

and sometimes, this wears me down to the point of weariness and fatigue, physically and mentally. lets not get started on emotionally.

yjc asked me on thursday before i left, are you really that busy?

yeah. not only busy, but tired.

what do you do afterwork?

just stuff.

do you have a guy you do stuff with?

is it so inconceivable that im busy, and my being busy has nothing to do with a male?

just asking.

i dont have time for a relationship.

booty call?

havent had one of those for a long time.

you arent getting any?

nope.

so, why are you so tired?

youd understand if you were in my shoes.

when i started working at poly, my schedule really hindered my seeing w. i start at fucking 7:15 in the a.m., and i work through until 3:10 p.m. somewhere in there, if theres a chance, if theres time, i get lunch. not alone, of course, because that would be too much to ask.

i usually eat in front of the students. they need so much attention right now, anxieties about college or life after high school.

so, about dines. im going to figure this out. we are supposed to go to vegas in december, but maybe this phd guy will work out, and theyll go alone.

one can only hope.

and

the last two days, my phone has been silent. such a welcome because for awhile, i was feeling stalked.

tomorrow, im supposed to have breakfast with edpe, but because ive made plans with the boy, im going to cancel. edpe had a date tonite, and he messaged me a few hours ago: how about 9 a.m.?

i havent responded. i dont think i will.

i have three movies that i want to watch right now, so im signing off.

but first, a letter.

so

tonite is the season finale of one of my favorite shows tell me you love me. the annoying woman who wants to get pregnant finally did. but heres the twist...her husband cannot be a husband and a father. thats what he told the therapist.

the husband is gorgeous. he reminds me of my friend in looks and also a bit in the pussy action, but i have to wonder how he told his exwife he was moving out.

im not afraid of much, but i do have four phobias: snakes, getting cancer (or any of my family or close friends), marriage, and divorce.

when the exbf and i broke up, i was so shattered into millions of tiny pieces, and its taken me three years to accept my broken self.

i love what ive gone through with that man, not so much the drinking binges or the awful fights, but looking back, there was such connection, deep abiding chemistry that everything felt natural. as if he and i were meant to be together, to have this fucking life that was all at once sweet and bitter and tumultuous and peaceful.

but in the midst of this love, i somehow knew deep down that it wasnt going to last, that he was going to have to fulfill his dream to hitchhike across the country (damn that kerouac).

(an aside: shit, the twist on the show is amazingly sad right now. i hate the actress who plays the whiny bitch. in fact, i dont like any of the actors on this show, but seriously, if they were different, it wouldnt work as well as it does. i especially have disdain for the nympho who has all of a sudden stopped being a nympho. but im in love with adam scott.)

and he did go. he saw this country from coast to coast, stopping at different cities, meeting interesting people, having grand adventures. and im so happy for him.

i dont want him back in my life, though sometimes, i fantasize. i wonder what he looks like now, if any of the lessons hes learned has made him unrecognizable, if we still have that connection.

because its important.

connections are uncompromisable.

breakdown

piaget said that to move from one developmental stage to another, one must suffer through a crisis. im in the midst of that crisis.

i know ive been bristly, easy to snap back, intolerant of the mundane of jokes.

i had a conference today at csun, and i have to reevaluate my ignorant opinion of the school. while i want my kids to move away and experience a university life, csun isnt too bad a place.

the conference was good, but i had to really be rude to the freakazoid because she was stalking me. some people just dont get the fucking hint, you know?

sometimes, im one of them. i remember when i constantly texted him, and he didnt respond. it took awhile, and it fucking hurts, but im done.

after the conference, i went to see napa. another excellent session. things have been building up in my life, and i needed to talk to her.

she gave me permission to tell people (boys/men) that im not interested, not at all, and that there has been misunderstanding.

i have to figure out what the source of this inner jumble. is it the weather? is it lack of sex? is it my troubled body image? is it intimacy, connection?

who knows?

validated

im in a spunky funk, i think. so many things are jam packed into my day that i hardly know when i start and where i end.

energies meld into one another, and i feel bruised.

today was particularly difficult. my favorite student dropped out the other day. hes the kid that says openly, i love you, ms. p whenever he sees me.

it isnt uncomfortable, not at all, and i dont mind it. no one who hears it minds it. the kid is great. and hes an artist...with an artists soul.

he came in today to see me, and i told the other students that he was here to explain why he left me brokenhearted. he was patient while others spit out their problems, and when it was his turn, i can tell he was nervous.

he started telling me surface stuff, then he confessed why he dropped out. he was afraid, and the death of the student on sunday really affected him.

he gritted his teeth, he shook his leg rapidly, and his eyes began to water as he confessed, you and this other girl are the only ones who have seen me cry, who know what im going through.

we talked some more, and i told him about my own personal struggles. i try not to do this, not to tell them anything deep about me just to keep a distance, but when its necessary, i talk.

i showed him the catalogue of the art institute in san francisco, and he was interested.

do you think i can get in? he asked me.

they would be a fool not to let you in. you have a gift, a talent, and you deserve to be better, faster, stronger. (my other favorite student - i have about 150 of them, by the way - dropped off a burned cd of kanye wests, so ive been using that phrase all day.)

he then asked, ms. p, what should i do?

i cant tell you that. if you come back to school, and you are not well mentally or emotionally, you wont be well academically. but i will tell you that you only need four classes to graduate, and it would be a shame if you dont finish the race. this is your decision, and yours alone.

okay, im going to go home and think about what to do. then ill come back to school on tuesday.

sounds like youve already decided what you wanted to do.

you think theyll let me back in?

hell yeah.

when this student left, i went to see blc to talk to him about grief counseling. he and i are bonding now, and im struck by how handsome and calm he is. i wish he were attracted to me, but as family, im cognizant that he will never be. a girl can dream, though, no?

i wanted to rest with w today. of all days, i need his warmth. and i have to consciously tell myself not to pick up the phone that seduces me.

i want to tell him that i fucked up, that i dont deserve a second chance, but i want it anyway. i want to tell him i cant promise him anything other than to be the best day by day, without regard for the future.

i want to tell him that im afraid, that i dont know what i want, but i do know that i need him, that i offer only who i am.

but hes probably met someone by now, met someone who wont do what i did, and this is what separates me.

my life is a gorgeously jumbled mess, but its so beautiful that i dont want to just let anyone in.

i believe in second chances. i believe that i should be given a second chance.

but if not, then ill have to accept that bitter pill.

oh, and one more thing

it isnt just the boys ive shaken off of me. i havent talked to dines lately, either. shes really in a spot right now that is poisonous to her system and mine, and i cant do it anymore.

i search the database in my mind for new friends, new distractions that will get me through this time. and i really need something else to focus on besides this empty hole in an even space that inhibits my being.

because i want to call him. i want to text him. i want to fucking kiss him and fucking go to him and let him take me.

i want him to bite me, to fuck me in the ass, to somehow hurt me so i can feel again, to snap out of this gloom, and laugh again. and mean it.

i want him to smile at me, to touch my hair, my lips, any part of me, to touch me and hold me and never let this go for this long.

i want him to forgive me, to forget what ive done, to let me show him who i am.

and then i stop and realize that if this were to happen, if i were to go back to him and if he were to accept me, id be in the same daunting place where i existed in another sense for him.

he was my warmth, my comfort, my place of awareness and self-knowledge.

and he never knew it.

pulled

im barely hanging on, and ive been faking it well.

the young ones tell me their secrets, and im not even talking about my students. im talking about the under-30 crowd at work who share with me their sweet crushes and attraction to each other, and i smile at them, and i wish i could develop a crush, too.

my students are grieving from the death of a student who dropped out of school last year. thank God because he would have been mine, and i would have lost it surely early monday morning when i was informed.

im having an anxiety attack from unwanted attention, and i swear, i did not bring it on. i dont want anyone to be interested in me. not now. im no good for anyone. because really, my thoughts and my spirit cry out for one who i know wont acknowledge me anymore. its so not good.

i have a conference this friday, and next wednesday, im going to mission college with some students. monday is a welcomed holiday. im going on a photo shoot.

hanga went to the grand canyon with her boyfriend and came back with a rock and a fiance. i took pictures of her engagement ring, and she said, i think ive found my photographer for my wedding.

yesterday was a long day, and i feel the effects of it. im so tired, so needing a hug from the man who remains so very much a part of me that i hardly noticed hes gone except that i can no longer hear his voice or touch his face or...breathe him in.

i need to get out of here. how do i do this? how do i get through the days that bleed into each other?

i fake it well. my students are writing an article about me in the school paper, and i didnt even realize it. i feel so distant sometimes. they came into my office yesterday and today, asking me questions, and i didnt even bother asking them why they needed this information.

and i dont want to dislike anyone, but i fucking abhor barney...no, not abhor. i pity her. i look at her with disgust, and i told glenla what she said to me today, and he said, fuck that bitch.

hes such a mellow guy, so popular with everyone, and for him to say, i fucking hate that bitch made me feel like hes got his own reasons.

life is really good right now, but im in a funk. really. i mean...it isnt even loneliness because i have guys who flirt with me, but ive turned them down. and i dont want them to flirt with me. i want them to stay away for awhile. and ive really cut out some from my life because they dont fucking get the hint. its selfish of them really. they dont listen to me, they just do what they want. fuck off.

oh, edpe called me the other night, and he is the biggest flirt. its been a long time since weve talked, and i think im supposed to call him tonite, but im tired, and...he takes my energy.

so, maybe breakfast on monday. if his date goes well on sunday night, we will cancel, but i think breakfast.

im so scattered. and im retreating into my own world and shutting people out without hesitation or apologies.

i want him to call me, to reach out to me, to forgive me, and to reinstate me in his life. but im beginning to doubt this will do me any good.

instead, im plotting my escape, and when my impulsivity rears its head, im going to let it take control.

so, let me say good bye now in case i dont get to do it later.

adios.

fucking painful

this idiot on the bachelor is too fucking painful to watch.

but like a train wreck, i cant turn away.

this is the first time ive watched it this season, and i swear, they get stupider and omg...she took my breath away.

hey, dumbass, youre on fucking tv. and that blond chick? shes an idiot, too.

oh, choose her. then many of my friends who teach sdc will have job security.

ugh.

heres the thing

a lot of shit that im not happy about is happening, and i dont know how to approach it, so im going to keep my distance and be unavailable.

i know my pattern. sometimes i wonder if i really wanted anyone that has come into my life, no matter how long or short their stay, did i really want them?

i run away from anything that might hint of commitment, any sign of interest, the faint smell of relationship.

lately, ive kept to myself around men or boys. i only go so far, and then i retreat back into my world. i havent been with anyone for months now after ive made the decision to be celibate.

and i like being celibate because i havent had the desire for anything physical. im still harboring feelings that need to be addressed as to whether or not im holding on for sheer deflection of attention of any kind.

anapi said that the very reason marba resented me was this: its easy for me to meet guys, and when they show interest, i run away. its hard for marba, i know, to meet and keep the attention of anyone, so when im around her, i usually dont talk much.

but it isnt my fault that igra or november wasnt interested in her. i stepped aside for her because her friendship meant a lot to me before she became a lunatic.

i remember this halloween party we went to two years ago. i met two guys who were completely different. one was this fucking asshole who i treated like shit because he was such an attention whore, and the other who was really nice but bored me to death.

the asshole said to me in front of everyone, what do i have to do for you to talk to me? im a dick because i want you to pay attention to me.

way to get it. when youre less drunk, come find me.

im not drunk. i havent had a drink all night? kiss me, youd be able to tell.

if you act like this sober, i dont want to be around you. at all.

there were about ten of us, and it was quiet when we had this exchange. marba was attracted to this guy, but so was i just because it was flattering. i walked away so he and marba can talk, but he found me in the bathroom, and had i been in a different place at that time of my life, i would have spent more time with him.

and the boring guy was a photographer, who anapi swore was perfect for me. he was into netflix and asked for movie recommendations, and all that i recommended, he said was on his list already.

see? youre perfect for each other. you have the same interests. come on, dont run away, she whispered to me while marba talked to him.

he will put me to sleep.

hes cute.

no way! not my type.

come on. hes tall, hes white, hes a photographer, hes funny.

funny? i havent laughed.

please dont turn him away.

he interrupted our conversation with, m, i have to go now, but do you want my website? my number is on there in case youre interested in hanging out.

uh, cool. you know what? can you give it to anapi, and shell forward it to me?

yeah, sure. maybe you can hang out and watch a movie with me?

im kind of busy with school. but ill see, okay?

anapi reminded me the other day of this guy we met at taix two years ago. he was so cute, but anapi wanted to talk to him. her shyness got in the way, so i went up to him and talked to him.

he had gorgeous eyes and a sweet smile, and at the end of the night, he said, maybe we will run into each other at the swap meet on melrose?

uh, no, i dont think so.

it just came out, and anapi was so surprised, and i think so was he, but i just walked off.

where is this coming from?

fear?

dammit, i thought i had gotten over this?

you know, i just need until the end of the year to chill out.

then, in the new year, i will start dating. i promise.

promise.

i hate dating, though. i hate it. ugh.

where are you?

the last time

he sent me a letter with a picture. in the letter, he said blah blah blah great time with you in san diego blah blah blah miss you blah lets meet in san francisco blah blah in february.

the picture was of him with a store santa, and the note attached was i wish you were sitting on my lap.

i received it in mid december, and the redhaired boy didnt know. he strongly disliked the doctor, but it was because of jealousy.

the wait was long, and when valentines day finally came, i got a call. he was in san diego, but he would be in san francisco the upcoming weekend. can i meet him? oh, and yes, happy valentines day.

i responded yes. lets meet in the city, or you can pick me up at a friends house, and happy valentines day to you, too.

the weather in san francisco was dramatically, yet ordinarily foggy and chilly, and when he came to pick me up, he was unusually cheerful.

tell me what youve been up to? how do you like sacramento? its different, yes?

yup.

do you like it?

nah. i miss the beach.

why did you leave again?

for a boy?

look, i want to know something, so im just going to ask.

yeah?

have you had good sex since youve been in sac?

no.

too bad.

have you had good sex since youve been in san diego?

nope.

too bad.

lets fix that.

uh, no. ive sworn off older men who can break my heart.

your heart?

uh huh.

im nervous now.

why? because youd be accountable?

a bit. i guess.

dont worry. i can take care of myself.

im quite certain you can. so, heres what i did. i booked my flight out for tonite.

okay.

just in case.

in case of what?

in case i break down and fall into your arms and stay for the night.

oh.

because it cant happen, you know?

i know.

i want it to, but...

i know. im not a kid.

yes, you are, love, you are.

youre so condescending.

you love it.

no, i dont. whatever, lets get this party started.

we went to a restaurant in sausalito, where he told me his wife wanted a baby. i was enthusiastic, the thought of him being a father was very charming, but he kept minimizing it.

why arent you excited about this? i asked.

because shes sick. and if she has a baby, it will endanger her health. i cant risk that. but she wants it.

well, dont leave the birth control up to her then.

he flirted with me, with the waitress hoping to get a response from me, but i just watched unaffected.

whats wrong, m? arent you happy here with me?

yeah, but im bothered that you think i would seduce you to sleep with me. im not like that.

youre not, but im weak. and if you said one word, id do it. id change my flight, spend the night the night with you, and take you. thats what im afraid of.

lack of control?

loss of control.

its so tempting, you know?

i know. ive thought about it so much.

me, too.

what about boys? havent you been taken care of?

its complicated. dramatic, huh?

yes. but sex is complicated.

ironically, thats the easiest for me. its the aftermath, you know?

tell me, m.

i just have to protect my heart. you now what, i was very affected by you. that last night in san diego...

yeah, i know. i felt it. thats why i didnt know if i should call you. im glad i did.

me, too. im glad to see you. but its kind of...

i dont understand it myself.

and youre supposed to be the adult. youre supposed to explain it to me how to feel, how to let go.

dont fall in love with me.

a girl always falls in love with the first fantasy that becomes real, you know? but im smarter than to think youre mine. or that im yours. ugh, im such a little girl.

no, youre right. im sad about this, that you are so far away. hey, come here. i have a secret.

yeah?

im jealous of the boys who share your bed.

really?

yes! im jealous of the whole you being here and having fun and being touched.

i dont know what to say. im not jealous about you and your wife. i just cant be, you know?

listen, i dont expect you to. and it isnt about sex, my jealousy. im jealous because they get to kiss you, and they get to make love to you.

make love?

yes.

i hardly make love. i usually just...fuck.

what did you do with me?

which time?

all the times we were together.

i slept with you.

from what i can remember, we didnt sleep.

yeah, i know. can we walk?

i brought my camera, and i was snapping away, when he took my camera from me and made me pose. he took a picture of me, and when i grabbed it from him, he kissed me for the first time that day.

m, what do you want to do?

do you have to go?

no. i mean, what do you want to do about tonite?

im not going to make that decision.

do you feel guilty being with me?

yes. a little. because i feel like you think of your wife.

i dont. not at all. im with you. im here with you.

i dont know. i just feel like shit about this, you know?

why?

because youre fucking married. and this will be the last time we see each other. right?

i wont be going back to ucsd, so i wont have reason to go back to the states. unless i apply for another fellowship, and i dont think im going to do that.

have you slept with others at ucsd? the truth, please.

no. honestly, i havent. i havent wanted to.

bullshit.

really.

dont ask me if ive slept with others, okay?

have you?

i havent slept with any older men with a german accent. i havent wanted to.

spend the night with me.

no.

we walked around the city, laughed, and watched the sun set. and when it was time to walk away, i didnt look back.

tears blocked anything i could view anyway, so it was better to walk straight ahead through the doors of the bart train.

and never look back.

a long time ago

a friend of mine and i were discussing married men the other night at dinner, and it reminded me of the first married man id been with.

i was 20 at the time, and he was a 29-year-old doctor of pharmacy doing research at ucsd. i saw him at a ballroom dancing class i took for one night with a weird girl named max.

i was fascinated by the way he moved, graceful and sexy, so in my impulsivity, i wrote him a note: i was watching you dance all night, and you are so graceful. are you graceful in other ways, too? call me, m.

when the class was over, i went up to him to hand him the note, and my plan was to walk away quickly, but his plan was better...he grabbed my hand, led me to the patio, and read the note out loud in front of me.

i was blushing, and i wanted to die right there, but he laughed and said, ill call you. youll have to find out about my graceful ways yourself.

he led me back inside, and i found max, and we drove home. i was sharing an apartment with my best friend at the time. he was very conservative (read: virgin), and his other bff besides me was the red haired boy.

the doctor called me later on in the night. he was from germany, and i loved his accent. we made small talk, and he said, m, before we go on in this, i have to tell you something.

youre married? i asked. i knew, though, he was because he had on a ring.

yes, i am, but that wasnt what i was going to tell you.

oh? theres more.

yes. im here to work on research, and ill be leaving at the end of the summer, in august. i wanted you to know this so you can make a decision about how you want to proceed.

dont leave that up to me. youre the older one, you take control, okay?

well, i just want you to know that i respect you and your feelings.

did you think i would fall in love with you?

no, i just...well, maybe.

yeah, i know im a kid, but im not stupid. i know how to control myself. is your wife here with you?

no, shes in germany. so, lets go out tomorrow night?

yeah, cool.

he picked me up at my apartment the next day, and he said, you choose where we go this time. next time, i have a plan.

i chose a pizza parlor close by, and he smiled and chuckled a little when i said where.

lead the way. im not familiar with that place.

oh, right. cause its a kids place, you know, where the kids hang out.

right.

we chose a table on the patio because san diego summers are to be enjoyed under the setting sun, and besides, it was claustrophobic inside.

he was affable, easy going, and the conversation was fun and light. towards the end of dinner, the redhaired boys brother walked in with his girlfriend. they said hello to me, but i didnt make introductions.

are you almost done? i asked the doctor.

no. are you in a hurry?

yeah.

why? because of them? was that your boyfriend?

no, it was his brother and his girlfriend.

ah. all the more reason to order a cup of coffee.

no, come on, lets go.

in europe, meals last for hours. you have to learn how to slow down.

you can teach me whatever you want, but lets go now.

hhhmmm....where to?

your choice.

it is? i just thought because you were in such a rush, you had an idea.

suggest something.

coffee? somewhere else, of course. or a movie? how about the beach?

the beach. then coffee maybe. its a beautiful night.

he paid, and he walked intentionally past the redhaired boys brothers table and said good bye. he opened the door for me, and i was struck at this act since the redhaired boy never did it for me.

in the car, he was singing along with the music, and every once in awhile, he would look at me and find me staring at him.

the man was gorgeous. dark hair, light skin, wicked smile. i was in lust.

at the beach, we followed the trail that separated the sand from the houses, and the conversation was easier for me, and i began to relax. until he stopped abruptly and sat down on a rock.

you okay? i asked.

yeah. no. i dont know.

whats wrong? are you sick?

no, nothing like that.

do you want to go home?

m, im walking with you, listening to you, missing my wife, but all i can think of is kissing you.

uh, maybe we should end the night.

you dont want to kiss me?

youre married. i cant.

m, what do you want? do you want me?

yes.

he pulled me to him and kissed me so softly, then he pushed me away, and said, tell me what you want.

lets go back to your place.

no. lets go to yours.

i have a roommate. he wont understand this. lets go to your place.

no, i will not desecrate the place where my wife and i make love.

but youll desecrate the what you make love to her with?

lets go back to your place. its easier.

no. my roommate. no way.

in the car, i kept up my protest. when he parked in the carport, i was still resisting the idea. he was deaf to it, and when we got to my place, when i was unlocking the door, he kissed me again. deeper this time.

my bff was asleep, as i led the doctor to the third bedroom.

why here? this isnt your room. theres no bed.

i wont desecrate the place i sleep.

he spread out the blankets, and when he called me to him. he took off my clothes slowly, kissing spots down my body. when i was naked, he took off his clothes, then held me close to him.

we laid down on the floor, and i whispered to him, teach me how to touch you.

this isnt about that. its about feeling good.

i dont know how to please you. im not a virgin, but i havent been with a man before, you know?

just feel it. do what feels good.

i took him into my mouth, and i let him take care of me.

when he came on my stomach, he hugged me. and then he got up, and he got stuff to clean me up.

i wanted to ask him to leave, but i didnt know how to, so when he fell asleep, i snuck into my bed and set the alarm.

the next morning, i took a shower, and then i went back into the room and watched him sleep. he looked so peaceful, and i wanted to just cuddle into his arms.

he opened his eyes, and told me to go to him, so i did, and he held me for awhile. we talked about plans for the day, and he invited me to breakfast, but after that he needed to work. i felt relieved that he was busy.

he tried to get me to shower with him, but my bff was going to get up any time soon, and i didnt want to be in that awkward state.

i saw him again a few times, and soon, ill relay the last time i saw him.

avoiding

ive been sleeping alot this weekend, not so much from physical exhaustion, but mainly from mental and emotional strains.

because of halloween, the exbf has been on my thoughts, though not from anything conscious that im doing. it isnt as if im thinking of him, but this connection we had is weighing me down.

wait, im not explaining it right.

what i do need to do is go to my project tonite, just go and get it over with, and figure out how to make it into my schedule.

its only 5 pm, but the sky is darkening rather quickly, and its making me sleepy. not so much sleepy, but i want to snuggle in bed with a good book, and read.

i needed time away from everyone this weekend, so i intentionally spent it with my son and no one else. i was invited to hang out a few times, but i declined. i cant.

this week is going to be an overload again on my senses, and it isnt that im becoming antisocial, its just that...well, i need time alone. quiet time.

my kids come towards the end of the day or during lunch, just to say hi. they are so awesome, but man, theyre like little birds chirping all at once.

and my colleagues are so awesome, too, and they stop by to talk, and when one leaves, another comes in. just chatting away.

dines complained i spoke so fast? she should see me in my office. her jealousy about me and other people is really very old and tired, so i dont even bring up anyone.

ive neglected her, too, this past week. i think i spoke to her once, and it didnt settle with me well, so ive just avoided.

i dont know whats wrong with me right now. i think im not acknowledging certain things in my life that need to be, so its overflowing into thoughts.

im gnawing off my nails again and doing other things that are bandaids to my anxiety, but never really quieting them.

the travel channel is on in the background, the valley of the kings is being explained, but im not even in the mood to leave.

what i am in the mood to do is sleep. maybe my subconscious needs to play and my conscious rest?

i need an inspiration, a fucking make out session, but with who? no one i know anymore.

and search started today. the director is a hot, tatooed guy who never talked to me, even though i engaged him to a few times. not because im interested because his wife is this beautiful woman with the best voice ever, and their four kids are so sweet.

i told igra that we should do search, but he hasnt called or emailed. hes busy, blah blah blah, and it gets fucking boring.

i may just show up at search one sunday afternoon. just get some search loving.

changes. i feel them coming again.

my restlessness is another of my curses and blessings.

repetitive

when i taught an sdc class and kindergarten, trainings i went to said to create a predictable environment to minimize problems for students.

i tried to stick to the schedule i created, tried to teach the students how to transition from one activity to another, tried to have routines.

but then i got bored. i hated doing the same thing everyday, and it caused me anxiety to be so repetitive.

ive realized, though, that i sound like a broken record about being tired all the time because of work. work is work. its exhausting, mentally and emotionally draining, but physically...nah.

i need to devote time to my project. im always happier when that element is in my life, but its challenging to juggle.

im going to bed now, so early for a saturday night. this is why i dont want to be in a relationship. im so selfish with my time.

next week is going to be crazy. i have to proctor tests on two days, and i have a conference on friday.

geez.

so boring.

break

when is the next vacation? next weekend is a three day one, but i have a photo shoot for my friend who is pregnant.

thanksgiving? im spending it at my sisters, and you know how hectic black friday is.

christmas? i only have one week this time, as opposed to three the past ten years.

do we get mlks birthday off in january? i hope so.

and presidents birthday in february? im beginning to see the light.

march and april off? but i have to do three weeks at glendale and work for two weeks after and two weeks before.

may has memorial day, right? ah, yes.

and june...well, thats graduation, so...oh, right, im supposed to leave lausd to go to glendale unified in september.

japan in july.

if i go back to a traditional system, part of august off.

then back to school in september.

if i stay at poly, which i may, if the queen bee doesnt come back, but im leaving, i feel.

the last three days have brought too much people stimulation, so im taking a break from them.

im in a cocoon, and i dont expect to emerge until after christmas. hopefully, something great will happen during thanksgiving to make me spread my wings.

this holiday season seems exciting.

better

i had time to sleep last night, and today was much more manageable. i still have lots of work to do, and i cant seem to get them done. i dont know why...perhaps visitors and visits keep me from focusing.

the first week of a 40-day stretch of classes is always hard. ive learned, though, to set boundaries and to do some breathing.

the thing is, there are students who come to talk with me, students who arent on my caseload, but whose counselors have gone off track.

one of the students came up to me today and said, do you like this?

yes, its great.

im doing it for you.

for me?

yes. you got me in this class.

he showed me a piece of art he is working on, and im pretty impressed. i love art, i love artists, i love the free spirits.

marquin once again was subtle in his flirtation, so subtle in his suggestions that the four other women around us didnt even know that he was propositioning me. again.

im so tired, and i cannot wait until the daylight saving time. this is what i live for.

and next week, i have my first photo shoot. and i believe there are more to come.

this will energize me.