its all about timing
last night, he calls at around ten, and i do not have the courage to divulge the secret i have been holding on to. the words form smoothly, and when i practice them, they flow. however, when i hear his voice, it stops me.
the timing is all wrong, really. hes met someone, and if i were to tell him now that ive fallen in love with him, it would be an inopportune time. why would i want to sabotage that?
theres much to think about. we have been hanging out a lot, and this is how i confuse feelings of friendship to feelings of romantic love.
i love him, but am i falling in love with him? saturday at the relay for life, i learn about him. there are things i do not like; behaviors that i think i would have a difficult time dealing with.
i do not want to lose his friendship. that is more important to me right now; i need it more than i need his love. i am burdened by many things at this point, and i dont want to drag him down with me.
i love my life right now. it is chaotic, thats for sure, but i know that in the midst of chaos, there is peace. and when things settle, i know i will be more able to invest time in a relationship.
november needs a lot of care. he needs a lot of reassurance and love and understanding. we all do, right? but because of past hurts, he needs more than the average.
in my past relationships, i have always been the garden. i need a gardener. perhaps i can learn to be a gardener, but it will take someone strong to model that for me. exbf was that person.
he is so impossibly sweet, and while i may think that is reserved only for me, i know that he is that way with everyone. so, what would make me think i am special in his life?
i do not want to change the status quo between us. my wish is for us to end up together, to share a life together while maintaining our individuality. my wish is for us to have a child together, to create a life that has the best of us both.
but i am not ready. i am not ready for november right now. it is too soon, too grand for me to handle. so i will wait patiently. and i believe that it will just happen. but when?
Monday, April 24, 2006
Sunday, April 23, 2006
epiphany
last night, i have two dates. one was with my friend dapel who i love with all my heart and who loves me, but we will never get together.
i take him out for his birthday, which was in march sometime, but due to my crazy schedule, this is the best night to do it.
i pick him up and we go to one of those small, shi shi places on la brea. i love those places, but i hate the prices and the pretentious air. but because we go later on at night, we are one of four couples at the restaurant.
the dinner goes well. we talk, and we get to know each other. he remarks that this is the first time we go out, just me and him. last time, the buddhist is there to hold my hand under the table and to pay for half of my birthday meal.
after, we go to the insomniac cafe where we practice answering interview questions. it is getting late, and so far, no word from my second date. suddenly, fatigue hits me even though i am drinking some strong cappuccino.
i notice i have a message from date number two, and when i check it, he tells my voice mail that he is on his way. i am excited, and dapel notices. we leave the cafe, i drop him off, i drive to pasadena, and i am at carrows before date number two.
i am tired as i sit there waiting. tired and cranky. cranky and confused. confused and frustrated. frustrated and horny. horny and annoyed. annoyed and sober. sober and ...
hello? i answer.
where are you?
im sitting in one of the booths against the wall reading la weekly.
oh, there you are. i see you.
he comes to me, in a great mood. he is happy, and no one should be this happy at half an hour past midnight, for fucks sake. unless hes on drugs. and unless he shares, so quiet down, please.
youre telling me to calm down? thats a switch. im the one who usually has to tell you to calm down.
i know, but its late, and its cold and rainy, and i dont want to walk.
come on. cheer up. we said we would walk.
why the hell are you in such a great mood?
because i met someone.
oh, good.
it probably wont go anywhere, but its good to know that i can meet someone.
cool.
what i mean to say is, then why the fuck arent you with her right now instead of with me? im wasting my damn time when i could be at home in bed.
he continues with this great mood, and i just want him to shut up. i dont look at him, and i continue reading la weekly as he blah blah blahs. i am feeling very bitchy.
by the end of the night, you are either going to be in a better mood, or you will be more cranky, but you will not stay the same.
sounds like a challenge to me. i can be very ornery.
so can my sister. she becomes more cranky.
we get to the high school to walk the relay for life. it is 1 o'clock, but the night is beautiful. this i have to admit.
i do not want to be alone with him; i hope someone else will be there to save him from me. i am stunned at the news that hes met someone, and i am in a mood.
luckily for both of us, jado is there. he is so sweet, but at first, i think he doesnt like me. he is a quiet boy from hawaii with no family here. i decide that we should adopt him into our family.
november signs us up to walk for an hour. jados shift isnt to start for another two hours, so i tell him that if he walks with us, i will walk with him until the end of his shift. november says he will stay, too.
we walk around the track, and the talk of relationships come up. this late into the night, november is sexual and funny unlike his usually reserved, goody-two-shoes side that creeps out before 1 a.m.
we talk about our past sexual adventures, and i quickly realize that i have more experience than either of these boys. when we talk about how many weve devirginized, the count is one for november, three for jado, and five for me. from what i remember. i might have forgotten some along the way.
november calls me a slut. all in good fun. he isnt disgusted, but im sure he is intrigued.
we take a breather, and we sit and talk about dreams. i tell november i have two dreams about him. one, we had all our clothes one. another, i tell him that i cannot believe it is lent, and i am alone.
the second dream is actually graphic. i prematurely wake up, my clit pulsating and my orgasm at the surface, so i finish myself off before going back to sleep. i cannot tell him all this.
we walk again for another hour, and when it is time to go home, we say good night to the vultures.
the night ends with a hug.
i wake up this morning, smiling about a dream. i leave this on his voice mail: hi, its me. i thought that since you were the last person i talked to last night, that id like for you to be the first one i talk to this morning. im glad i got your voice mail. i had a dream about you last night, and let me say, you were a great kisser. bye.
i know what i am compelled to do now. i have to release my feelings. last night, some things become clear to me. he and i think alike. we both have some of the same fears. and because of this, we are joined.
if i get the chance and if i dont chicken out, im going to go to his house tonight and talk to him. my feelings for him develop from my core. i have waited this long because i want to be sure. and now that i am, im at a standstill.
i have a rule that i dont become involved with those who are my friends. it makes things easier to separate friendship from romantical love. but november is a friend, and my feelings for him are developing faster than i can control them.
he just called me, and i ask what he is doing tonite. he says he is tired so he will just stay home. this is when i should have just jumped right in to invite myself over. instead, i ask him to stay by his phone at home because things might happen tonite.
i wish i can be coy, but i cant. and the need to reveal how i feel is great today. i havent been moved like this in a long time.
********
i am tired, and i will not be going to see november tonite. i may still have "the talk", but as for now, it stands. i have slowly fallen in love with him, but i am not ready to pursue this. damn, this sucks.
soon, i tell myself, soon. in time, all will be revealed, and we will live happily ever after.
last night, i have two dates. one was with my friend dapel who i love with all my heart and who loves me, but we will never get together.
i take him out for his birthday, which was in march sometime, but due to my crazy schedule, this is the best night to do it.
i pick him up and we go to one of those small, shi shi places on la brea. i love those places, but i hate the prices and the pretentious air. but because we go later on at night, we are one of four couples at the restaurant.
the dinner goes well. we talk, and we get to know each other. he remarks that this is the first time we go out, just me and him. last time, the buddhist is there to hold my hand under the table and to pay for half of my birthday meal.
after, we go to the insomniac cafe where we practice answering interview questions. it is getting late, and so far, no word from my second date. suddenly, fatigue hits me even though i am drinking some strong cappuccino.
i notice i have a message from date number two, and when i check it, he tells my voice mail that he is on his way. i am excited, and dapel notices. we leave the cafe, i drop him off, i drive to pasadena, and i am at carrows before date number two.
i am tired as i sit there waiting. tired and cranky. cranky and confused. confused and frustrated. frustrated and horny. horny and annoyed. annoyed and sober. sober and ...
hello? i answer.
where are you?
im sitting in one of the booths against the wall reading la weekly.
oh, there you are. i see you.
he comes to me, in a great mood. he is happy, and no one should be this happy at half an hour past midnight, for fucks sake. unless hes on drugs. and unless he shares, so quiet down, please.
youre telling me to calm down? thats a switch. im the one who usually has to tell you to calm down.
i know, but its late, and its cold and rainy, and i dont want to walk.
come on. cheer up. we said we would walk.
why the hell are you in such a great mood?
because i met someone.
oh, good.
it probably wont go anywhere, but its good to know that i can meet someone.
cool.
what i mean to say is, then why the fuck arent you with her right now instead of with me? im wasting my damn time when i could be at home in bed.
he continues with this great mood, and i just want him to shut up. i dont look at him, and i continue reading la weekly as he blah blah blahs. i am feeling very bitchy.
by the end of the night, you are either going to be in a better mood, or you will be more cranky, but you will not stay the same.
sounds like a challenge to me. i can be very ornery.
so can my sister. she becomes more cranky.
we get to the high school to walk the relay for life. it is 1 o'clock, but the night is beautiful. this i have to admit.
i do not want to be alone with him; i hope someone else will be there to save him from me. i am stunned at the news that hes met someone, and i am in a mood.
luckily for both of us, jado is there. he is so sweet, but at first, i think he doesnt like me. he is a quiet boy from hawaii with no family here. i decide that we should adopt him into our family.
november signs us up to walk for an hour. jados shift isnt to start for another two hours, so i tell him that if he walks with us, i will walk with him until the end of his shift. november says he will stay, too.
we walk around the track, and the talk of relationships come up. this late into the night, november is sexual and funny unlike his usually reserved, goody-two-shoes side that creeps out before 1 a.m.
we talk about our past sexual adventures, and i quickly realize that i have more experience than either of these boys. when we talk about how many weve devirginized, the count is one for november, three for jado, and five for me. from what i remember. i might have forgotten some along the way.
november calls me a slut. all in good fun. he isnt disgusted, but im sure he is intrigued.
we take a breather, and we sit and talk about dreams. i tell november i have two dreams about him. one, we had all our clothes one. another, i tell him that i cannot believe it is lent, and i am alone.
the second dream is actually graphic. i prematurely wake up, my clit pulsating and my orgasm at the surface, so i finish myself off before going back to sleep. i cannot tell him all this.
we walk again for another hour, and when it is time to go home, we say good night to the vultures.
the night ends with a hug.
i wake up this morning, smiling about a dream. i leave this on his voice mail: hi, its me. i thought that since you were the last person i talked to last night, that id like for you to be the first one i talk to this morning. im glad i got your voice mail. i had a dream about you last night, and let me say, you were a great kisser. bye.
i know what i am compelled to do now. i have to release my feelings. last night, some things become clear to me. he and i think alike. we both have some of the same fears. and because of this, we are joined.
if i get the chance and if i dont chicken out, im going to go to his house tonight and talk to him. my feelings for him develop from my core. i have waited this long because i want to be sure. and now that i am, im at a standstill.
i have a rule that i dont become involved with those who are my friends. it makes things easier to separate friendship from romantical love. but november is a friend, and my feelings for him are developing faster than i can control them.
he just called me, and i ask what he is doing tonite. he says he is tired so he will just stay home. this is when i should have just jumped right in to invite myself over. instead, i ask him to stay by his phone at home because things might happen tonite.
i wish i can be coy, but i cant. and the need to reveal how i feel is great today. i havent been moved like this in a long time.
********
i am tired, and i will not be going to see november tonite. i may still have "the talk", but as for now, it stands. i have slowly fallen in love with him, but i am not ready to pursue this. damn, this sucks.
soon, i tell myself, soon. in time, all will be revealed, and we will live happily ever after.
disconnect
i never understand why i cannot seem to become instantly comfortable with november. there is always a few moments when i first see him that i feel like i dont want to be there.
friday, we go to the farmers market in monrovia. as i arrive at anapis house, i hear his voice, and i instinctively smile. however, when i see him, i suddenly want to leave.
it isnt because i dont want to spend time with him. i think its because i become shy around him at first, and it takes time for me to warm up.
we both sit in the back of marbas car on the way to the farmers market. i catch him looking at me a few times as we engage in banter, and it is so effortless now that we sometimes unintentionally exclude those around us.
when we arrive, we walk at different paces and stop at different booths. he walks with marba, while i walk with anapi.
i stop at a table where there is a piggy bank i would like to acquire. i ask the two gentlemen if i can have it. i can, but id have to open a new savings and checking account. id rather not.
begging and pleading do nothing for my case. charm and charisma fail, too, so i use my ultimate weapon: marba. she is the best. she tells them that i am her friend, and would they just give me the piggy bank. she does a song for 10 minutes, and when we realize nothing is happening, we thank them politely and walk away.
when i meet up with november, he tells me, that guy is still looking at you.
i give him a look that must have conveyed that i have no interest in engaging in this type of conversation, so he drops the subject.
we meet up with ela, and when our stomachs call us for feeding time, we eat at a mexican place. i order a margarita with ela, and everyone else orders water.
the conversation is flowing, the alcohol is entering my system, and marba is talking about igra. this sets me off for no particular reason, except i am buzzing. she talks about how great he is, blah, blah, blah, and i just look at her. when the exchange is finished, november looks at me and says, this has been very enlightening. i understand you a little better now.
huh?
everyone seems to be tired after dinner, and november and i have to work the next day, so we call it a night. on the way back to anapis house, november and i are silly, loud, and annoying. i know this.
he walks me to my car, and i hand him a note before hugging him goodbye. i can hear him inhale the perfume from my hair, and i smile.
when he gets into bed, he calls me. we talk for about 30 minutes.
i love this time of night. i love how his voice lulls me to sleep, when he yawns but keeps talking anyway, that he calls me so late even when he is so tired. i love that he is the last voice i hear as i enter through the gauze into my dreams.
i never understand why i cannot seem to become instantly comfortable with november. there is always a few moments when i first see him that i feel like i dont want to be there.
friday, we go to the farmers market in monrovia. as i arrive at anapis house, i hear his voice, and i instinctively smile. however, when i see him, i suddenly want to leave.
it isnt because i dont want to spend time with him. i think its because i become shy around him at first, and it takes time for me to warm up.
we both sit in the back of marbas car on the way to the farmers market. i catch him looking at me a few times as we engage in banter, and it is so effortless now that we sometimes unintentionally exclude those around us.
when we arrive, we walk at different paces and stop at different booths. he walks with marba, while i walk with anapi.
i stop at a table where there is a piggy bank i would like to acquire. i ask the two gentlemen if i can have it. i can, but id have to open a new savings and checking account. id rather not.
begging and pleading do nothing for my case. charm and charisma fail, too, so i use my ultimate weapon: marba. she is the best. she tells them that i am her friend, and would they just give me the piggy bank. she does a song for 10 minutes, and when we realize nothing is happening, we thank them politely and walk away.
when i meet up with november, he tells me, that guy is still looking at you.
i give him a look that must have conveyed that i have no interest in engaging in this type of conversation, so he drops the subject.
we meet up with ela, and when our stomachs call us for feeding time, we eat at a mexican place. i order a margarita with ela, and everyone else orders water.
the conversation is flowing, the alcohol is entering my system, and marba is talking about igra. this sets me off for no particular reason, except i am buzzing. she talks about how great he is, blah, blah, blah, and i just look at her. when the exchange is finished, november looks at me and says, this has been very enlightening. i understand you a little better now.
huh?
everyone seems to be tired after dinner, and november and i have to work the next day, so we call it a night. on the way back to anapis house, november and i are silly, loud, and annoying. i know this.
he walks me to my car, and i hand him a note before hugging him goodbye. i can hear him inhale the perfume from my hair, and i smile.
when he gets into bed, he calls me. we talk for about 30 minutes.
i love this time of night. i love how his voice lulls me to sleep, when he yawns but keeps talking anyway, that he calls me so late even when he is so tired. i love that he is the last voice i hear as i enter through the gauze into my dreams.
Friday, April 21, 2006
sleeplessness
we just got off the phone, and i tried to sleep, but i ended up kicking the blankets off of me. so, i opened up "the da vinci code" and read the same paragraph three times. i realized then that it was time to address the issues on my mind.
first, you have to know that you really have been a great newness for me. i love the light you provide, and the novelty of you in my life brings a freshness i havent felt for awhile. with you, i know what it is to have a friend. in you, i sense a calmness which may not always be present but shines through your skin. because of you, im lowering the defenses that have protected me for most of my life. you dont make me feel judged, and ive needed this for so long. so if i havent said it before, let me say it now: thank you. thank you a million times.
but thats really not the purpose of my restlessness. my tossing and turning and dancing around is due to why i dont - why i havent been able to...
i cant even finish that sentence. am i that far removed from my feelings that i cant even explain myself to you?
i dont want you to know me within six weeks. i dont want to take turns confessing our past, revealing our secrets. that will come in time. theres something intriguing when i slowly unwrap presents, especially layers and layers of gift wrap. i love the whole psychological uncovering of thoughts, ideas, desires, fears, and hopes.
what i need is for you to understand me - or at least the promise that you will try. i am not very conventional or mature, but i am capable f surprises. and while you ahve to protect yourself also, you have to take risks, too.
maybe thats what we will have represented to each other when we think about us in ten years: that we are exercises in risktaking. maybe we are to shake each other up like snowglobes, and when the glitter settles, we will have a better understanding of ourselves because of the time weve spent together. i dont believe in easy or simplicity. those are words we throw around to make light of things that are meaningful.
i feel better now, so im going to rest my eyes. somehow i know that more questions will be formed, but for now, ill rest in the fact that answers will follow. thank you for being a shoulder. and an open door. if i could be of service to you, please let me know. it would be nice to return the favor.
what the hell am i trying to say? and to whom am i trying to say it to?
we just got off the phone, and i tried to sleep, but i ended up kicking the blankets off of me. so, i opened up "the da vinci code" and read the same paragraph three times. i realized then that it was time to address the issues on my mind.
first, you have to know that you really have been a great newness for me. i love the light you provide, and the novelty of you in my life brings a freshness i havent felt for awhile. with you, i know what it is to have a friend. in you, i sense a calmness which may not always be present but shines through your skin. because of you, im lowering the defenses that have protected me for most of my life. you dont make me feel judged, and ive needed this for so long. so if i havent said it before, let me say it now: thank you. thank you a million times.
but thats really not the purpose of my restlessness. my tossing and turning and dancing around is due to why i dont - why i havent been able to...
i cant even finish that sentence. am i that far removed from my feelings that i cant even explain myself to you?
i dont want you to know me within six weeks. i dont want to take turns confessing our past, revealing our secrets. that will come in time. theres something intriguing when i slowly unwrap presents, especially layers and layers of gift wrap. i love the whole psychological uncovering of thoughts, ideas, desires, fears, and hopes.
what i need is for you to understand me - or at least the promise that you will try. i am not very conventional or mature, but i am capable f surprises. and while you ahve to protect yourself also, you have to take risks, too.
maybe thats what we will have represented to each other when we think about us in ten years: that we are exercises in risktaking. maybe we are to shake each other up like snowglobes, and when the glitter settles, we will have a better understanding of ourselves because of the time weve spent together. i dont believe in easy or simplicity. those are words we throw around to make light of things that are meaningful.
i feel better now, so im going to rest my eyes. somehow i know that more questions will be formed, but for now, ill rest in the fact that answers will follow. thank you for being a shoulder. and an open door. if i could be of service to you, please let me know. it would be nice to return the favor.
what the hell am i trying to say? and to whom am i trying to say it to?
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
silver
word is that the buddhist won the silver medal at the state competition, while his friend took home the gold. i am considering calling him up, but i know if i do, i will be reverting back to the person i was when i was so into him.
it doesnt matter. i dont think i would get him on the phone anyway; im sure he doesnt want to talk to me. but thats okay. the time we had sure was fun.
congratulations to the buddhist. hope he makes something of his life.
word is that the buddhist won the silver medal at the state competition, while his friend took home the gold. i am considering calling him up, but i know if i do, i will be reverting back to the person i was when i was so into him.
it doesnt matter. i dont think i would get him on the phone anyway; im sure he doesnt want to talk to me. but thats okay. the time we had sure was fun.
congratulations to the buddhist. hope he makes something of his life.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
im not ready
november drops a bomb on me when he tells me that i reveal my interest in him. i honestly dont remember those words escaping my lips, so i prod on for more detail.
was i stoned? i ask.
no.
drunk?
no.
so, what did i say?
never mind.
no, please. i have to know. i dont want to be misconstrued. what did i say?
well, it was when we talked about why you were so upset with me. you said you were upset because you had feelings for me, and i assumed you only thought of me as a friend.
oh....yes...i vaguely remember this...
and what i dont understand is if you are interested in me, then who is this other person you say you love and want to marry?
uh. hes a person i want to love and marry.
give me a name.
not yet. im not ready.
ready? for what? its just a name.
can you just give me this? can you just be patient about this? im not ready to say yet.
do i know this person?
time. just give me time. youll meet him soon.
okay. im going to give you time. but i just dont understand.
i know. i know i frustrate you. i just need you to be patient with me.
why cant you just say?
i dont know. look, im not good at relationships. i fuck them up all the time.
no, you dont.
yes, i do. i know i do. im there. i fuck it up. and im not ready to fuck this one up, so im going to wait. i have all the time in the world.
not only am i not ready, im not sure if november is the one. i know that he is an amazing person, but what is special about this amazing person? that he could be mine? hardly.
i need to take a breather. i am getting claustrophobic with everything in my life: my job, school, friends. i need to do stuff alone for a little while. do different things.
this is what i am and what i do. i get close, and then i need to get far. its a rubber band effect, yoyo madness. its been a way of life in my relationships, and i dont really want to deal with it right now.
there is a man whose presence in my life through words fill me, makes me smile, and tickle my mind. heres to a month of sexiness. thank you.
november drops a bomb on me when he tells me that i reveal my interest in him. i honestly dont remember those words escaping my lips, so i prod on for more detail.
was i stoned? i ask.
no.
drunk?
no.
so, what did i say?
never mind.
no, please. i have to know. i dont want to be misconstrued. what did i say?
well, it was when we talked about why you were so upset with me. you said you were upset because you had feelings for me, and i assumed you only thought of me as a friend.
oh....yes...i vaguely remember this...
and what i dont understand is if you are interested in me, then who is this other person you say you love and want to marry?
uh. hes a person i want to love and marry.
give me a name.
not yet. im not ready.
ready? for what? its just a name.
can you just give me this? can you just be patient about this? im not ready to say yet.
do i know this person?
time. just give me time. youll meet him soon.
okay. im going to give you time. but i just dont understand.
i know. i know i frustrate you. i just need you to be patient with me.
why cant you just say?
i dont know. look, im not good at relationships. i fuck them up all the time.
no, you dont.
yes, i do. i know i do. im there. i fuck it up. and im not ready to fuck this one up, so im going to wait. i have all the time in the world.
not only am i not ready, im not sure if november is the one. i know that he is an amazing person, but what is special about this amazing person? that he could be mine? hardly.
i need to take a breather. i am getting claustrophobic with everything in my life: my job, school, friends. i need to do stuff alone for a little while. do different things.
this is what i am and what i do. i get close, and then i need to get far. its a rubber band effect, yoyo madness. its been a way of life in my relationships, and i dont really want to deal with it right now.
there is a man whose presence in my life through words fill me, makes me smile, and tickle my mind. heres to a month of sexiness. thank you.
Sunday, April 16, 2006
Saturday, April 15, 2006
dirty secret
ive discovered exbfs blog, and i visit his and his grandmother fiancees from time to time. i am glad that he is happy now, in a place where he should be at this moment, and i know that all is well in the world.
i remember him sometimes, in the oddest of times. when i am driving and a tom petty song pops on, i am transported to a time when he is holding my hand. when i wake in the middle of the night, i call his name out as i float between sleep and reality.
i remember how close we were on all levels the day before the last time i see him. the way he kisses me then, i almost have hope that he will return.
but that was two years ago. my, how times have changed.
the man has such passion when he loves, and i always pray that it is returned. my prayers have been answered.
he writes on his blog, after all, whats life for if not for the risking? nobody should want to live forever.
this is my mantra. he just put it into a more poetic rhythm. even in his absence, he is helping me with his words.
yesterday, i think about who i am, as i am inspired by an oprah episode about women who have let themselves go. who i am is a risktaker.
but lately, i havent been taking risks. not in my career, not in my childrearing ways, not in my desire to travel, not in my personal life.
this is so unlike me. id like to think its because i am finally growing up, but you know, it isnt that.
its fear. i smell it on me, and i wear it unashamedly. i hide behind it, i swim in it, i allow it to become a part of my skin.
and is this really me? last night, i make a decision. i am fearless. not stupid fearless, but living fearless. i know that i may fail, but i also know that the chances are greater that i will succeed.
i have friends, family (who i havent seen in more than two months due to my crazy schedule), and a son who love me and depend on me.
i have the love of agape that has carried me throughout dark times, and yet i am only acknowledging it now. i will always rely on agape to help me, to calm me, to save me.
the lenten season is over, and i learn some valuable lessons from it. i have met an incredible person who i love. no other word for it. i know myself a little better, and one of the shields i carry is one of being a Catholic.
there are times when the exbf comes to me in my dreams. he doesnt stay there at all, but the essence of him i feel when i wake.
we would have never worked out in the long run, but i know that the time we are given has elevated me to the level that i would not have reached without him in my life.
for this i will be eternally grateful. because of him, i will be eternally changed.
ive discovered exbfs blog, and i visit his and his grandmother fiancees from time to time. i am glad that he is happy now, in a place where he should be at this moment, and i know that all is well in the world.
i remember him sometimes, in the oddest of times. when i am driving and a tom petty song pops on, i am transported to a time when he is holding my hand. when i wake in the middle of the night, i call his name out as i float between sleep and reality.
i remember how close we were on all levels the day before the last time i see him. the way he kisses me then, i almost have hope that he will return.
but that was two years ago. my, how times have changed.
the man has such passion when he loves, and i always pray that it is returned. my prayers have been answered.
he writes on his blog, after all, whats life for if not for the risking? nobody should want to live forever.
this is my mantra. he just put it into a more poetic rhythm. even in his absence, he is helping me with his words.
yesterday, i think about who i am, as i am inspired by an oprah episode about women who have let themselves go. who i am is a risktaker.
but lately, i havent been taking risks. not in my career, not in my childrearing ways, not in my desire to travel, not in my personal life.
this is so unlike me. id like to think its because i am finally growing up, but you know, it isnt that.
its fear. i smell it on me, and i wear it unashamedly. i hide behind it, i swim in it, i allow it to become a part of my skin.
and is this really me? last night, i make a decision. i am fearless. not stupid fearless, but living fearless. i know that i may fail, but i also know that the chances are greater that i will succeed.
i have friends, family (who i havent seen in more than two months due to my crazy schedule), and a son who love me and depend on me.
i have the love of agape that has carried me throughout dark times, and yet i am only acknowledging it now. i will always rely on agape to help me, to calm me, to save me.
the lenten season is over, and i learn some valuable lessons from it. i have met an incredible person who i love. no other word for it. i know myself a little better, and one of the shields i carry is one of being a Catholic.
there are times when the exbf comes to me in my dreams. he doesnt stay there at all, but the essence of him i feel when i wake.
we would have never worked out in the long run, but i know that the time we are given has elevated me to the level that i would not have reached without him in my life.
for this i will be eternally grateful. because of him, i will be eternally changed.
Friday, April 14, 2006
a different november
i know the routine now. he calls me to check in, but thats it. thats the extent of the conversation. and im beginning to be fine with it.
the other day, he mentions that i have no feelings for him other than friendship. this falsehood makes me take a breath, and i realize that it pushes me away to a place where we started.
i need to take this issue up with him, and while it may be true, while i may have no romantic feelings for him that he knows of, he basically made a decision for me about our relationship.
he has no courage about me. he has no fight about what could have been. and i am a bit disappointed.
i will have to see him again and again. i want to; i want his friendship if nothing else. but what hurts me is that just because he closed himself off doesnt mean that i did.
why introduce me to his best friend, his niece, and his father? as friends? please. i mean, i dont need to meet the family, really. im fine keeping it superficial. i havent met many of my real friends' families. theres just no rush to do so.
but the true core of my hurt is this: i wanted this friendship to develop into more. i honestly thought that this union was blessed, that by some fluke of flukes he and i were to be joined.
this fucking romanticized version is the thing that is kicking my ass right now. its the thing that makes me feel hopeful, something i havent been in a long time.
i remember making plans to marry this guy, to have his child, to live with him and matt and the baby into the winter of our lives. this desire is a vivid one, and it runs through my veins and into my mind, and before long, i have designed a wonderful version of what could have been.
i know, though, that neither of us are ready for this undertaking. but im not talking about doing it today. nor tomorrow. but i want a future.
and if nothing else, the past few weeks with november has shown me what is missing in my life. something i havent acknowledged because for so long, it was captive inside my walled core.
what i want and what i need is to share my life, my child, and myself now with someone. i want to feel his skin against mine. to feel his love wake me in the middle of the night or early in the morning. to feel his breath rise and fall while hes on top of me. to look at each other as if we are looking at ourselves for the first time.
the boy has taken a liking to him. surprising for a 13-year-old. looks forward to seeing him, asks if he will be there. and november likes the boy, too. but then again, november likes everyone.
i want this now. i want this because being with november makes me want to hold hands and experience intimacy again.
and if mixed signals are flying between us, then lets clear the air. ill take the first step in making this better. after all, we are only friends.
but no games. no drama. just plain truth. and this, my friends, is the hardest yet easiest thing to say.
i know the routine now. he calls me to check in, but thats it. thats the extent of the conversation. and im beginning to be fine with it.
the other day, he mentions that i have no feelings for him other than friendship. this falsehood makes me take a breath, and i realize that it pushes me away to a place where we started.
i need to take this issue up with him, and while it may be true, while i may have no romantic feelings for him that he knows of, he basically made a decision for me about our relationship.
he has no courage about me. he has no fight about what could have been. and i am a bit disappointed.
i will have to see him again and again. i want to; i want his friendship if nothing else. but what hurts me is that just because he closed himself off doesnt mean that i did.
why introduce me to his best friend, his niece, and his father? as friends? please. i mean, i dont need to meet the family, really. im fine keeping it superficial. i havent met many of my real friends' families. theres just no rush to do so.
but the true core of my hurt is this: i wanted this friendship to develop into more. i honestly thought that this union was blessed, that by some fluke of flukes he and i were to be joined.
this fucking romanticized version is the thing that is kicking my ass right now. its the thing that makes me feel hopeful, something i havent been in a long time.
i remember making plans to marry this guy, to have his child, to live with him and matt and the baby into the winter of our lives. this desire is a vivid one, and it runs through my veins and into my mind, and before long, i have designed a wonderful version of what could have been.
i know, though, that neither of us are ready for this undertaking. but im not talking about doing it today. nor tomorrow. but i want a future.
and if nothing else, the past few weeks with november has shown me what is missing in my life. something i havent acknowledged because for so long, it was captive inside my walled core.
what i want and what i need is to share my life, my child, and myself now with someone. i want to feel his skin against mine. to feel his love wake me in the middle of the night or early in the morning. to feel his breath rise and fall while hes on top of me. to look at each other as if we are looking at ourselves for the first time.
the boy has taken a liking to him. surprising for a 13-year-old. looks forward to seeing him, asks if he will be there. and november likes the boy, too. but then again, november likes everyone.
i want this now. i want this because being with november makes me want to hold hands and experience intimacy again.
and if mixed signals are flying between us, then lets clear the air. ill take the first step in making this better. after all, we are only friends.
but no games. no drama. just plain truth. and this, my friends, is the hardest yet easiest thing to say.
Thursday, April 13, 2006
so heres what happened
yesterday, dines, lines, anita, and i go to the grove and the farmers market. i am unimpressed, even though we spot two celebrities.
we talk about november, and all of a sudden, i miss him deeply. i text message him and leave him a voice mail, and he calls me back. even though i am with girls that i love, i really want to spend the beautiful day with him.
in desperation, i text him: i am bored. play with me.
he texts back: cant talk right now. sorry. will call you later.
i text: dont want to talk. i want to play later. promise?
he calls me on his way home, while ive just finished changing into some shorts and tee at the gym. when we get disconnected, i go do some cardio.
after im done, i check my voicemail. blah blah blah, he says, call me later.
i dont. i am miserable, and i know it, so i dont call. i am not in any mood to talk to anyone. i dont even know why im in a funk, but i am.
i hate this feeling, and im afraid it might explode into a mini-depressive episode, so i do what helps me best: i sleep.
on a side note: i dont think im bi-polar because i havent been diagnosed, but i know for a long time, i experience depression. i almost take a test for it, but then i exbf leaves, and i join the gym, and the symptoms magically go away.
i believe that exercise and better eating habits has helped me with my depressive episodes. i no longer weep out of the blue. i no longer feel the need to eat until i blow up. i no longer feel manic for no reason.
tonite at mass, i feel unbelievably lucky. i meet novembers niece and his father. his father is a wonderful, loving man, and i know he is like this with everyone.
i also feel lucky because the boy and i no longer live with a wild card. i never want to put him or me in a situation like that again.
i dont know what will become of this thing between me and november, but i dont care.
id like to publicly thank a man who shared with me his own november. through his experience, i can put this all in perspective.
i also must remember that this isnt about my will. its not about my own time frame. if it were, i wouldve screwed this up already. and i have come close. but thank God, november is a great person. and a better friend.
yesterday, dines, lines, anita, and i go to the grove and the farmers market. i am unimpressed, even though we spot two celebrities.
we talk about november, and all of a sudden, i miss him deeply. i text message him and leave him a voice mail, and he calls me back. even though i am with girls that i love, i really want to spend the beautiful day with him.
in desperation, i text him: i am bored. play with me.
he texts back: cant talk right now. sorry. will call you later.
i text: dont want to talk. i want to play later. promise?
he calls me on his way home, while ive just finished changing into some shorts and tee at the gym. when we get disconnected, i go do some cardio.
after im done, i check my voicemail. blah blah blah, he says, call me later.
i dont. i am miserable, and i know it, so i dont call. i am not in any mood to talk to anyone. i dont even know why im in a funk, but i am.
i hate this feeling, and im afraid it might explode into a mini-depressive episode, so i do what helps me best: i sleep.
on a side note: i dont think im bi-polar because i havent been diagnosed, but i know for a long time, i experience depression. i almost take a test for it, but then i exbf leaves, and i join the gym, and the symptoms magically go away.
i believe that exercise and better eating habits has helped me with my depressive episodes. i no longer weep out of the blue. i no longer feel the need to eat until i blow up. i no longer feel manic for no reason.
tonite at mass, i feel unbelievably lucky. i meet novembers niece and his father. his father is a wonderful, loving man, and i know he is like this with everyone.
i also feel lucky because the boy and i no longer live with a wild card. i never want to put him or me in a situation like that again.
i dont know what will become of this thing between me and november, but i dont care.
id like to publicly thank a man who shared with me his own november. through his experience, i can put this all in perspective.
i also must remember that this isnt about my will. its not about my own time frame. if it were, i wouldve screwed this up already. and i have come close. but thank God, november is a great person. and a better friend.
Monday, April 10, 2006
fiction
we are in bed, finally, after months of waiting, and yet it feels like we have been doing this forever. i love the warmth that exudes from his body, and i remember thinking that this bed is too big. hell, the world is too big when all i want to be is close to him.
he looks at me, and i see nothing but his eyes twinkling. he slips my shirt off, and he kisses my shoulders. i grab his face and kiss him hard on his lips. it is exciting to know that i no longer have to wait.
he spreads my legs, and he enters me. slowly, softly, gently. i am wet, and i am tight from months of no activity. i grab his hips to control his movement, control the rapidness or the slowness, the depth and the length of time he is in me.
i am moving with him, and i am lost. again.
cum for me, he requests.
i cannot respond, dont know how to form words on my lips at this moment.
we are one now, sweat beads forming on the crevices of our chests and shoulders, on our foreheads, on our legs. i look up at him, and i think, i want to marry this man.
i am about to explode all over him, feeling the tension on my clit, feeling the tension forming and needing to be relieved. i pull him closer, partly so i can hold on to him when my body is shaking and partly because even when he is this close to me, he is still too far away.
and when i am finally close to him, i remember thinking...
...oh, shit, its monday, and i have to get up for another fucked up day at work...shit...shit...shit...
i turn to kiss him, and when i do, the alarm clock tells me that its 6:37 a.m., and while it is monday, i am on spring break.
dreams. vivid. i can taste him, smell him, feel him. and yet, at this moment, i am fully clothed, hoping that tonite will be the nite when one of us approaches this with courage.
we are in bed, finally, after months of waiting, and yet it feels like we have been doing this forever. i love the warmth that exudes from his body, and i remember thinking that this bed is too big. hell, the world is too big when all i want to be is close to him.
he looks at me, and i see nothing but his eyes twinkling. he slips my shirt off, and he kisses my shoulders. i grab his face and kiss him hard on his lips. it is exciting to know that i no longer have to wait.
he spreads my legs, and he enters me. slowly, softly, gently. i am wet, and i am tight from months of no activity. i grab his hips to control his movement, control the rapidness or the slowness, the depth and the length of time he is in me.
i am moving with him, and i am lost. again.
cum for me, he requests.
i cannot respond, dont know how to form words on my lips at this moment.
we are one now, sweat beads forming on the crevices of our chests and shoulders, on our foreheads, on our legs. i look up at him, and i think, i want to marry this man.
i am about to explode all over him, feeling the tension on my clit, feeling the tension forming and needing to be relieved. i pull him closer, partly so i can hold on to him when my body is shaking and partly because even when he is this close to me, he is still too far away.
and when i am finally close to him, i remember thinking...
...oh, shit, its monday, and i have to get up for another fucked up day at work...shit...shit...shit...
i turn to kiss him, and when i do, the alarm clock tells me that its 6:37 a.m., and while it is monday, i am on spring break.
dreams. vivid. i can taste him, smell him, feel him. and yet, at this moment, i am fully clothed, hoping that tonite will be the nite when one of us approaches this with courage.
Saturday, April 08, 2006
dinner at novembers
last monday, november plans a dinner and game night at his house. he says he wants to invite me, anapi, marba, and mafe because he likes our dynamics. whatever that means.
anapi calls me earlier in the day to tell me that james wants to join us at novembers house, but mafe wont be able to join us. i phone him to ask if he could accommodate one more.
of course, he says. the more the merrier. call him to let him know hes invited.
the plan is to be there at 7, but we girls are running late, so we arrive 45 minutes later. from the window, we see three figures: his and two other girls'.
marba and anapi looks at me accusingly like i have a clue who these two women are but didnt disclose. i am as perplexed as they are.
we walk in, and i can feel his nervous energy. after all, this is the first time he is meeting the boy, and i know he wants to make a good impression. but who the hell are these other two?
he introduces them, and i recall that one is his best friend since high school. i immediately feel i am under observation. this is by his design.
he gives us a tour of his house, which has lots of potential but is being remodeled slowly and carefully. he ushers us past his bedroom quickly to the other two rooms.
after the tour, we make ourselves comfortable in the living while the three of them are bustling to serve us. it is rather sweet, until i feel tension from the other, the one who isnt his friend. i get the feeling that something is going on with them, or she wants something from him, but this has not been confirmed.
he leads us to the dining room to sit for the meal he prepared, which im sure the other two helped with, and he says grace.
dinner is fine, im sticking to conversations on my end of the table with anapi, the boy, and marba. he tries to get me to reveal what i am saying to the boy that is causing a deliciously wicked smile on his face. i am silent.
after dinner, we move back to the living room for the reason why we gather this evening: GAME NIGHT!!!
november is really competetive, but he is also very encouraging when you try to keep up with him.
we play catchphrase and scattegories. it is so awesome and fun, and i love how sweet he is to the boy. the boy actually impresses everyone by being so mature in explaining the rules to the electric catchphrase version.
when we exhaust our mental energy, november brings out two other games. men are from mars, women are from venus and scruples. i jokingly remark that these are the afterhours games.
he begins to ask questions on the cards from the mars game. feeling that it is only fair that we each take turns asking questions that we have selected, he passes out cards to all of us.
he starts innocently enough, but then as the night progressed, the questions begin to take meaning about what is going on with us.
but what is going on? i feel so much, but there is no action behind the feelings, and this has been the heart of my frustration.
finally, the night settles in on the boy, and he whispers that he would like to go home. everyone starts to stir, and we begin to clean up. the boy is sleepy, so he just observes what is going on.
november and i make a joke, and he leans in to me, and i am instantly transported to that place where i love to be. next to him. close to him. in his arms. even if it is momentary.
the boy sees this, and he busies himself with the games on my phone. when it is time to leave, he hugs everyone, and the boy and i linger behind.
he shakes the boys hand, and he hugs me. i cannot help but melt into his body. and this is so subconcious that i can no longer intellectualize what is going on between us.
last monday, november plans a dinner and game night at his house. he says he wants to invite me, anapi, marba, and mafe because he likes our dynamics. whatever that means.
anapi calls me earlier in the day to tell me that james wants to join us at novembers house, but mafe wont be able to join us. i phone him to ask if he could accommodate one more.
of course, he says. the more the merrier. call him to let him know hes invited.
the plan is to be there at 7, but we girls are running late, so we arrive 45 minutes later. from the window, we see three figures: his and two other girls'.
marba and anapi looks at me accusingly like i have a clue who these two women are but didnt disclose. i am as perplexed as they are.
we walk in, and i can feel his nervous energy. after all, this is the first time he is meeting the boy, and i know he wants to make a good impression. but who the hell are these other two?
he introduces them, and i recall that one is his best friend since high school. i immediately feel i am under observation. this is by his design.
he gives us a tour of his house, which has lots of potential but is being remodeled slowly and carefully. he ushers us past his bedroom quickly to the other two rooms.
after the tour, we make ourselves comfortable in the living while the three of them are bustling to serve us. it is rather sweet, until i feel tension from the other, the one who isnt his friend. i get the feeling that something is going on with them, or she wants something from him, but this has not been confirmed.
he leads us to the dining room to sit for the meal he prepared, which im sure the other two helped with, and he says grace.
dinner is fine, im sticking to conversations on my end of the table with anapi, the boy, and marba. he tries to get me to reveal what i am saying to the boy that is causing a deliciously wicked smile on his face. i am silent.
after dinner, we move back to the living room for the reason why we gather this evening: GAME NIGHT!!!
november is really competetive, but he is also very encouraging when you try to keep up with him.
we play catchphrase and scattegories. it is so awesome and fun, and i love how sweet he is to the boy. the boy actually impresses everyone by being so mature in explaining the rules to the electric catchphrase version.
when we exhaust our mental energy, november brings out two other games. men are from mars, women are from venus and scruples. i jokingly remark that these are the afterhours games.
he begins to ask questions on the cards from the mars game. feeling that it is only fair that we each take turns asking questions that we have selected, he passes out cards to all of us.
he starts innocently enough, but then as the night progressed, the questions begin to take meaning about what is going on with us.
but what is going on? i feel so much, but there is no action behind the feelings, and this has been the heart of my frustration.
finally, the night settles in on the boy, and he whispers that he would like to go home. everyone starts to stir, and we begin to clean up. the boy is sleepy, so he just observes what is going on.
november and i make a joke, and he leans in to me, and i am instantly transported to that place where i love to be. next to him. close to him. in his arms. even if it is momentary.
the boy sees this, and he busies himself with the games on my phone. when it is time to leave, he hugs everyone, and the boy and i linger behind.
he shakes the boys hand, and he hugs me. i cannot help but melt into his body. and this is so subconcious that i can no longer intellectualize what is going on between us.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
falling
november and i talk about family last night. he is a good man. he will be a good husband and an even better father. and i pray i am lucky enough to experience him in that regard.
he is cooking for us on saturday. i am bringing the boy with me, just to see how they fare. i know in my very core that they will be great.
i adore that he is interested in the boy just as much as he is interested in me. this will be a good thing, i know it, and i cannot wait.
he calls this morning, and i think he will take a half-day next week so we can hang out. that would be so amazing and sweet. what should we do? the getty?
i know he is not without faults. he has a bit of a jealousy streak in him, but i know where that stems. and it scares me because i know how jealousy ruins relationships by limiting them to just the two involved. and jealousy breeds jealousy.
i dont and wont give him reason to be jealous. what would be the point? he and i are so good together, and i cant wait until the relay for life weekend. he wants to walk at midnight, after we watch a movie and grab dinner.
some suggest i make a move on saturday. i just might. but i know it will change the dynamics between us, and im not sure i am ready to deal with it.
november and i talk about family last night. he is a good man. he will be a good husband and an even better father. and i pray i am lucky enough to experience him in that regard.
he is cooking for us on saturday. i am bringing the boy with me, just to see how they fare. i know in my very core that they will be great.
i adore that he is interested in the boy just as much as he is interested in me. this will be a good thing, i know it, and i cannot wait.
he calls this morning, and i think he will take a half-day next week so we can hang out. that would be so amazing and sweet. what should we do? the getty?
i know he is not without faults. he has a bit of a jealousy streak in him, but i know where that stems. and it scares me because i know how jealousy ruins relationships by limiting them to just the two involved. and jealousy breeds jealousy.
i dont and wont give him reason to be jealous. what would be the point? he and i are so good together, and i cant wait until the relay for life weekend. he wants to walk at midnight, after we watch a movie and grab dinner.
some suggest i make a move on saturday. i just might. but i know it will change the dynamics between us, and im not sure i am ready to deal with it.
my friend gets brave
hes been wearing a gray beanie lately, trying to keep the cold away from his head, and i must say, he looks so fucking good. i have learned to look into that beautiful face without looking away.
he doesnt say much today; hell, he hasnt said much to me in a few weeks. he has become bold and flirtatious with me, alluding to sex as often as he can. he makes references that he doesnt think i will catch, and he seems disgenuinely surprised when i pick up on it.
i wish things had turned out differently the last night we went out. a part of me wishes he seduces me, although it would be awkward for him since he has no practice in doing so. another part of me is glad he didnt because i dont sleep with my friends.
he is attentive to me, which turns me on. he listens to my words, even if they are not directed at him. he steals glances at me that i can see from my peripheral vision.
what is to become of this broken friendship? now that he is separated, he is distant, as if hes afraid to be around me for fear that things will be more than he can handle.
one week vacation coming up. i cannot wait. i need to destress my body from the poisonous environment known as the hell hole i go to every morning.
hes been wearing a gray beanie lately, trying to keep the cold away from his head, and i must say, he looks so fucking good. i have learned to look into that beautiful face without looking away.
he doesnt say much today; hell, he hasnt said much to me in a few weeks. he has become bold and flirtatious with me, alluding to sex as often as he can. he makes references that he doesnt think i will catch, and he seems disgenuinely surprised when i pick up on it.
i wish things had turned out differently the last night we went out. a part of me wishes he seduces me, although it would be awkward for him since he has no practice in doing so. another part of me is glad he didnt because i dont sleep with my friends.
he is attentive to me, which turns me on. he listens to my words, even if they are not directed at him. he steals glances at me that i can see from my peripheral vision.
what is to become of this broken friendship? now that he is separated, he is distant, as if hes afraid to be around me for fear that things will be more than he can handle.
one week vacation coming up. i cannot wait. i need to destress my body from the poisonous environment known as the hell hole i go to every morning.
Wednesday, April 05, 2006
confession
let me tell you about someone i know. he comes to me from a place ive never been, a place of peace and of understanding. perhaps our meeting was a fluke or a joke, but i know my life has been affected.
he has a smile that starts from his lips, but instantly charges his whole face as if his very soul is smiling, too. his eyes are penetrating microscopes or telescopes, depending on how he wants to see me.
while i havent known him for long, i can tell his heart is bigger and better than most ive met. it is pure in intent and in its capacity. in him, i seek to find sanctuary.
there is a space between us, but it isnt empty. its just waiting to be filled with words and thoughts. he is careful to shed his layers, and i take that to be because he is cautious to share the great person he is.
when we talk, i feel his words seducing me and pulling me closer to him. my fear about this is great, but my want to know him is greater.
he is a friend, but my heart wont settle for only a friendship. it is the foundation of my love for him, but it is not the floor nor the ceiling. i will succumb to him at any level at any length. and for this i will not apologize.
with him, i want to grow. with him, i can soar. in him, i see the self i want to be. in him, i see the person i have yet to become.
let me tell you about someone i know. he comes to me from a place ive never been, a place of peace and of understanding. perhaps our meeting was a fluke or a joke, but i know my life has been affected.
he has a smile that starts from his lips, but instantly charges his whole face as if his very soul is smiling, too. his eyes are penetrating microscopes or telescopes, depending on how he wants to see me.
while i havent known him for long, i can tell his heart is bigger and better than most ive met. it is pure in intent and in its capacity. in him, i seek to find sanctuary.
there is a space between us, but it isnt empty. its just waiting to be filled with words and thoughts. he is careful to shed his layers, and i take that to be because he is cautious to share the great person he is.
when we talk, i feel his words seducing me and pulling me closer to him. my fear about this is great, but my want to know him is greater.
he is a friend, but my heart wont settle for only a friendship. it is the foundation of my love for him, but it is not the floor nor the ceiling. i will succumb to him at any level at any length. and for this i will not apologize.
with him, i want to grow. with him, i can soar. in him, i see the self i want to be. in him, i see the person i have yet to become.
Monday, April 03, 2006
frustration
i cannot keep going out with november and ending the night with a hug.
its time to move on. i will keep him in my life, but in reality, i need to keep him at a distance.
i want to have sex again. i want to sleep with someone who sees my hunger, my power, my vulnerability.
i want to fuck someone who understands that while intimacy is a part of sex, it comes only after the raw passion of two bodies coming together to commit acts that have only been read about in the latest issue of penthouse magazine is released.
i want to make love in a slow, sensuous, painful way. i want to discover parts of me that have yet been untouched.
i want to be in a safe environment. i want to be tempted and seduced. i want to be loved and held, only after ive been bitten and sucked.
and i want to move against his cock in rhythm, and i want him to push into me hard. deep.
this will happen soon.
i cannot keep going out with november and ending the night with a hug.
its time to move on. i will keep him in my life, but in reality, i need to keep him at a distance.
i want to have sex again. i want to sleep with someone who sees my hunger, my power, my vulnerability.
i want to fuck someone who understands that while intimacy is a part of sex, it comes only after the raw passion of two bodies coming together to commit acts that have only been read about in the latest issue of penthouse magazine is released.
i want to make love in a slow, sensuous, painful way. i want to discover parts of me that have yet been untouched.
i want to be in a safe environment. i want to be tempted and seduced. i want to be loved and held, only after ive been bitten and sucked.
and i want to move against his cock in rhythm, and i want him to push into me hard. deep.
this will happen soon.
falling for november
its happening, slowly, surely. i try to deny it to myself and to others, but i cannot.
we talk last night, and i tell him that one day hes going to let his guard down with me. he responds after a moment of silence. yes, i think i probably will.
i dont know why two people who have trust issues, are unable to communicate their feelings to anyone, and hide behind their social interactions in an effort to not be solitary are brought together. its a cruel joke.
but if i am rational about this, i know that there is a lesson to be learned here, a reason why he is in my life at this moment and why i am in his.
there is really no gauging why this should work out. we like each other, sure, but to take the next step? i think we both retreat back to our corners and just hang there until its clear to come out.
he has issues still, remnants from his divorce 13 years ago. i see him as somebody so closed off with his emotions, and he has confessed that he doesnt really reveal his true self.
im really going to have to work for this, i think. ive been such a slacker in the past in the romance department because ive never had the inclination to work for something. it had always been easy to seduce, to bed, to sneak out afterwards.
that doesnt take work. doesnt even take planning. it just takes time.
its happening, slowly, surely. i try to deny it to myself and to others, but i cannot.
we talk last night, and i tell him that one day hes going to let his guard down with me. he responds after a moment of silence. yes, i think i probably will.
i dont know why two people who have trust issues, are unable to communicate their feelings to anyone, and hide behind their social interactions in an effort to not be solitary are brought together. its a cruel joke.
but if i am rational about this, i know that there is a lesson to be learned here, a reason why he is in my life at this moment and why i am in his.
there is really no gauging why this should work out. we like each other, sure, but to take the next step? i think we both retreat back to our corners and just hang there until its clear to come out.
he has issues still, remnants from his divorce 13 years ago. i see him as somebody so closed off with his emotions, and he has confessed that he doesnt really reveal his true self.
im really going to have to work for this, i think. ive been such a slacker in the past in the romance department because ive never had the inclination to work for something. it had always been easy to seduce, to bed, to sneak out afterwards.
that doesnt take work. doesnt even take planning. it just takes time.
Sunday, April 02, 2006
a to-do list
not in any particular order
1. save money to buy a nikon d50 by june, 2006
2. tell bicar to expect my resume
3. remind him that just in case any positions open up at ghs that he thinks i may be qualified for, he can forward it to the proper people
4. redecorate my house the way i want it to be on the budget that i can afford
5. live life intentionally and love like ive never been hurt
not in any particular order
1. save money to buy a nikon d50 by june, 2006
2. tell bicar to expect my resume
3. remind him that just in case any positions open up at ghs that he thinks i may be qualified for, he can forward it to the proper people
4. redecorate my house the way i want it to be on the budget that i can afford
5. live life intentionally and love like ive never been hurt
april fools
i call him at 10 p.m. to check if we are still on, and when he answers, he says, if youre flaking out on me, im going to be really mad.
no, im not. im just checking where you are.
im on the freeway. have you left the house yet?
not yet. but dont worry, its only a 15-minute drive.
okay, see you then.
i get to the theatre first, and i buy the tickets. while we sit waiting for the trailers to begin, i remember the last time i was here with luro. we kiss passionately through the emily rose movie, and im sad to think that this wont be the case with november.
he sits next to me, and consecutive yawns escape from his lips. i ask him if he wants to leave because i doubt he will enjoy the movie with sleep filling his eyes. he declines.
i wonder out loud why he comes out when he is tired, and he tells me it is because he wants to see the movie. tonite. my fragile ego takes the hit, and i let the comment hide in the darkness of the theatre.
the movie starts and ends, and in between, i struggle to stay awake. funny, now, a half hour later, sleep isnt the problem i am trying to fend.
i am getting mixed messages from november. he makes it a point to remind me that we are friends, and i am puzzled that maybe i am acting as if we are more.
there are still remnants of our fight on wednesday night. i do not think it is because of the vultures, but the problem - as i point out then - can be found in the space between us. he agrees.
i like him, and i think he likes me, but there is a constipated silence because neither of us will do something about it. dines reminds me that i have made the first move before, and she doesnt completely understand why i do nothing about him.
i dont know why, frankly. there is a fear of rejection, but the bigger fear is of seeing him again at functions that hes been attending lately that i have to attend also.
i miss november. i completely misread him, and he does the same with me. its because we tiptoe around emotional issues, so ive made the fatal mistake of sticking to safe subjects.
he says that he has coworkers with whom he can stick to safe subjects, but with me, he wants to get to know me more. deeper. i dont think this is the way to do it by challenging me about every minute, unimportant details the way my friend does.
if he wants to get to know me, he should kiss me. he should hold my hand. he should allow me to rest my head on his shoulders. because when we have established this level of comfort, then my heart will be open to him.
and i want to allow him entrance to my soul. i crave that intimacy, and when he shows the side of him where he gives me so much attention, i am so attracted to it that its all i can see.
perhaps he isnt ready to be in a relationship. i dont know how long its been since hes been divorced. i think its time to shake things up and talk about things that make us uncomfortable. this is one way we will grow stronger as friends without having to take off clothes.
i call him at 10 p.m. to check if we are still on, and when he answers, he says, if youre flaking out on me, im going to be really mad.
no, im not. im just checking where you are.
im on the freeway. have you left the house yet?
not yet. but dont worry, its only a 15-minute drive.
okay, see you then.
i get to the theatre first, and i buy the tickets. while we sit waiting for the trailers to begin, i remember the last time i was here with luro. we kiss passionately through the emily rose movie, and im sad to think that this wont be the case with november.
he sits next to me, and consecutive yawns escape from his lips. i ask him if he wants to leave because i doubt he will enjoy the movie with sleep filling his eyes. he declines.
i wonder out loud why he comes out when he is tired, and he tells me it is because he wants to see the movie. tonite. my fragile ego takes the hit, and i let the comment hide in the darkness of the theatre.
the movie starts and ends, and in between, i struggle to stay awake. funny, now, a half hour later, sleep isnt the problem i am trying to fend.
i am getting mixed messages from november. he makes it a point to remind me that we are friends, and i am puzzled that maybe i am acting as if we are more.
there are still remnants of our fight on wednesday night. i do not think it is because of the vultures, but the problem - as i point out then - can be found in the space between us. he agrees.
i like him, and i think he likes me, but there is a constipated silence because neither of us will do something about it. dines reminds me that i have made the first move before, and she doesnt completely understand why i do nothing about him.
i dont know why, frankly. there is a fear of rejection, but the bigger fear is of seeing him again at functions that hes been attending lately that i have to attend also.
i miss november. i completely misread him, and he does the same with me. its because we tiptoe around emotional issues, so ive made the fatal mistake of sticking to safe subjects.
he says that he has coworkers with whom he can stick to safe subjects, but with me, he wants to get to know me more. deeper. i dont think this is the way to do it by challenging me about every minute, unimportant details the way my friend does.
if he wants to get to know me, he should kiss me. he should hold my hand. he should allow me to rest my head on his shoulders. because when we have established this level of comfort, then my heart will be open to him.
and i want to allow him entrance to my soul. i crave that intimacy, and when he shows the side of him where he gives me so much attention, i am so attracted to it that its all i can see.
perhaps he isnt ready to be in a relationship. i dont know how long its been since hes been divorced. i think its time to shake things up and talk about things that make us uncomfortable. this is one way we will grow stronger as friends without having to take off clothes.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
revelations
i have something to tell you. i come to you in pieces. im not broken. that would imply that im shattered with parts of me all over the place. i was like that a few years ago for a few years. i decided i didnt like being in that condition, so i gathered myself up, dusted myself off, and here i am.
i have all of the pieces to my whole self, and im trying to remember how they all fit. what im discovering is that im not sure if i want to put them back to recreate who i was. some pieces just dont fit. so i discard them. but change is hard. its exciting, sure; but theres always a part of me that would like to just revert back to that person who i used to be. ive realized that if i were to change one thing in my life that i essentially would have to change everything.
the problem that i have, though, is letting go. letting go of people, of ideas, of concepts. letting go of feelings, of fears, of vices. because to let go of those things would be to bid farewell to a part of me. and while it was difficult, ive slowly begun to release my tightly gripped fingers around the pieces of me that no longer belong to the self i am trying to reinvent.
and theres this nagging voice that whispers to me, "how do you know this new person is better than the old one? you make so many mistakes, you know." thats when i turn to God for His guidance. and while He cant always offer His hands to me, He sends me angels who do. some angels walk with me for months, others for years, and others for my lifetime. it is at these times with these angels that i am comforted.
i am not perfect. i dont keep a spiffy clean house; i dont balance my checkbook to the penny; i dont remember birthdays. im not perfect. i dont spend hours on my face, hair, and wardrobe; i dont cook fo rmy child; i dont change my cars oil every 3k miles. but i know one thing about me. i know that in my core is love, and in that love, i am good, and loyal, and honest, and vulnerable to all the people who come into my life. so i have to be selective about those i choose. i have to have high standards for people i call friends because i have high standards for myself as a friend.
i do not know what you do with these letters that serve as small glimpses to my mind and soul. but i thank you each time for entertaining the frayed edges of my pieces. its been awhile since ive trusted someone implicitly and completely, and im so glad its you. because your faith is strong, you allow to me find the same strength in my faith. i know i may not always say or do the right things, but take comfort in knowing that in time, everything will work itself out.
i feel like i reveal so much to you. i hope its not too much of a burden to be on the other side of the window to my being. and i know that in time, you will learn to trust me with your soul and allow me to see the qualities that lie buried in the oasis of your heart.
until then, i remain...yours.
i have something to tell you. i come to you in pieces. im not broken. that would imply that im shattered with parts of me all over the place. i was like that a few years ago for a few years. i decided i didnt like being in that condition, so i gathered myself up, dusted myself off, and here i am.
i have all of the pieces to my whole self, and im trying to remember how they all fit. what im discovering is that im not sure if i want to put them back to recreate who i was. some pieces just dont fit. so i discard them. but change is hard. its exciting, sure; but theres always a part of me that would like to just revert back to that person who i used to be. ive realized that if i were to change one thing in my life that i essentially would have to change everything.
the problem that i have, though, is letting go. letting go of people, of ideas, of concepts. letting go of feelings, of fears, of vices. because to let go of those things would be to bid farewell to a part of me. and while it was difficult, ive slowly begun to release my tightly gripped fingers around the pieces of me that no longer belong to the self i am trying to reinvent.
and theres this nagging voice that whispers to me, "how do you know this new person is better than the old one? you make so many mistakes, you know." thats when i turn to God for His guidance. and while He cant always offer His hands to me, He sends me angels who do. some angels walk with me for months, others for years, and others for my lifetime. it is at these times with these angels that i am comforted.
i am not perfect. i dont keep a spiffy clean house; i dont balance my checkbook to the penny; i dont remember birthdays. im not perfect. i dont spend hours on my face, hair, and wardrobe; i dont cook fo rmy child; i dont change my cars oil every 3k miles. but i know one thing about me. i know that in my core is love, and in that love, i am good, and loyal, and honest, and vulnerable to all the people who come into my life. so i have to be selective about those i choose. i have to have high standards for people i call friends because i have high standards for myself as a friend.
i do not know what you do with these letters that serve as small glimpses to my mind and soul. but i thank you each time for entertaining the frayed edges of my pieces. its been awhile since ive trusted someone implicitly and completely, and im so glad its you. because your faith is strong, you allow to me find the same strength in my faith. i know i may not always say or do the right things, but take comfort in knowing that in time, everything will work itself out.
i feel like i reveal so much to you. i hope its not too much of a burden to be on the other side of the window to my being. and i know that in time, you will learn to trust me with your soul and allow me to see the qualities that lie buried in the oasis of your heart.
until then, i remain...yours.
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