annual review of 2007 and promises for 2008

man, i drop to my knees and thank the Lord for an incredible year ive had.

a recap: january brought lots of anxieties because of my mother being sick and with me preparing for the comps. i knew that i was waiting to leave a career and a place i hated for a more rewarding one to a place that i will love.

february was stressful, made more so by the intense study for the comps, being at the hospital with my mother, and going to a classroom ive outgrown.

march was a bit more relaxing, even when i started my love affair at poly. i met some great people, and some of those great people turned out to be rotten. excitement grew at the realization that i was almost done with my masters program, and i would have more time to dedicate to just being.

april had me more excited about ending the program when one class finished. i started the countdown with a fervor. and the paperwork at the new job was amazingly stressful, and this is, i feel, is the part of my job that i love the least.

may liberated my time when the program ended, and i reveled in my new-found freedom. i also met some of the most amazing humans in my life in the form of nutty poly juniors.

june ended the honeymoon phase with my job. i saw fred and barney for who they were, and frankly, they are so vile that i will no longer include them on this blog. instead, i will just write their names on little pieces of paper and throw them away in garbage, symbolic of where they belong. oh, i suppose i can flush them, too.

july devasted me, and yet became the road to my healing. in many parts of my life. ive learned again to be mentally stronger despite emotions, to be honest with who i am, what im capable of, and to do it. and once again, i had to go forward without looking back.

september relieved me from being a counselor, and for one perfect day, i got to write for as long as i wanted in my beautiful journal. ive outgrown it, you know, outgrown the pages, the cover, the words, and its time to begin a new one. i used my creative eyes in the form of my camera to capture some stunning images. i also started in on my hours at a place i want to end up in by august of this year.

october had me face my terrible anxiety and insecurity of showing my work to people. in order to overcome this, i signed up to be a part of an art show at a local high school. it was small, but man, im now addicted to photography more than ever.

november brought me so much more into the creative realm, and i formed a brilliant idea of photographing for money. ive practiced with some friends and family, and im getting better, but im going to take a class for technical support.

and here we are now, the end of december, the last day in fact, and im feeling so fucking positive and good, and not because of anyone but because of me. while ive made so many tragic mistakes, ive also had successes that continue to define me. ive allowed good people into my life, and im stronger now to banish the weak ones without feeling a bit of guilt.

the thread that wove this year together was the promise to be good to myself, and unfortunately, that means expelling negative energy rather bluntly.

so, my promises this year are:

1. to be good to myself, to others, and to this earth. go more green, more organic. more loving, and more light. more being in the presence of others, and doing for them like theyve done for me.

2. to allow success, love, happiness, joy fill my life easily without putting up walls or blockades.

3. to create and to allow this to become supplemental income. to have another art show, to photograph families, to do it for me, but more for them.

4. to be more daring, to not intellectualize or analyze so much that it frightens me to paralysis.

5. to get a new job, a new career. to follow the road where it leads me, and yet, to also stray once in awhile in different directions without losing sight.

6. to permit myself to feel fear, and overcome it anyway. oh, thats the title of a book napa recommended to me. i really should get around to reading it.

7. to work on my project so that by february, i will have something to show for it.

8. to reach my short-term goals, such as: take a photo class at art center, finish the masters completely (the hours and the last comp question0, teach at a community college, get a new car, travel alone while the kid is in japan.

9. to constantly strive to be better in everything, but mostly to be a better person in all ways my being could be: a better cook, a better housekeeper, a better mother, a better sister, a better daughter, a better counselor, a better friend, a better photographer, a better writer, a better lover, a better me.

10. to write in my journal daily, even if its one word; to read the newspaper daily; to breathe deeply daily; to laugh daily; to see the beauty of my life and the beauty in others and the beauty in the world daily.

these are my promises, and i have the feeling, im going to keep them.

between egg nog and champagne

he said he loved my way with words and asked if he could have some of my phrases for his use. i said, yes, but some i cant give up.

we spoke for 2 and a half hours saturday night, after i got home from not going to see the go go boys because katma was annoyingly and disgustingly drunk. i will never hang out with her again in her area. she will have to meet me at a restaurant so she cant get fucked up and say mean things.

but he told me his story, a part of it, and instantly, i was captured.

he is on his way to san francisco to spend time with his brother. he will be back tomorrow.

last night, he said, m, if you were a guy you would be my new best friend. youre so quick.

quick and dirty?

im sure. but youre the brains of this operation, you know.

oh, can i be your wingman, then? if things dont work out, and if we discover there is no chemistry or passion, can i be your wingman?

we already have chemistry and passion, so no.

he allows an honesty that ive never felt before without feeling vulnerable, and he sparks the intellectual side of me, much like the way another he opened up the creative side of me.

oh, hes creative. but our interests lie in different areas. hes a designer, and he trolls around flea markets for inspiration. the exbf loved that shit, too.

hes much different than what im used to. first, hes older, not by much of a gap, but older still, and i feel somewhat girlish around him sometimes. girlish and sexy. damn, lolita.

and hes tall. a whopping 6 feet 2. what a contrast to my 5 feet flat. does this mean ill have to wear heels? for him, i would.

he invited me to watch the sunrise from his bedroom window, but i declined. im just not there yet, being celibate and all. celibate, but not prudish.

ive got some things i have to deal with that i havent addressed in so long, mostly out of fatigue, but primarily out of laziness. and from being uninspired.

i wish i could say that i have tons of reservations about this, about him, about why i dont want this to go further than amazing conversations...but i cant.

even i cant hear the voices of doubt and anxiety, no matter how i listen very carefully. and i want to hear them, i guess, for they comfort me and they bring me to what is familiar: being alone.

i love my freedom, i love that i get to roam and do what i want or do nothing if i dont want, and this may be a point of contention, but its something i will have to deal with.

i am smitten, i tell you, and i told him last night.

i dont care if this works or not really, but its just this feeling of being kindred that ive missed.

he said last night, not many people get me, like im sure they dont get you.

this is an topic we explored the other night, and what it is is that we can just speak clearly, without hesitation, without fear of saying something wrong, and i think this is so beautiful.

i saw a touching flick yesterday afternoon with my aunt after our massages. it reminded me of the exbf, of how great his love was, and how i wish to God that i had that when i was ready.

ive missed him lately, it seems with the holidays, ive missed his scruffy facial hair. and the movie yesterday truly brought back feelings of what it felt like to be wooed and loved and taken care of by an irish man.

im sure hes happy. he has to be, right?

i hope to someday be friends with him, to connect with him again, and with this irishman, anything and everything is possible.

this is why with him, i always hold my breath. waiting for him to make a move, no matter how long into the future, no matter where we are in our lives. because he will. i know him, and he will.

is he my soulmate? probably, perhaps, yes. but do we belong together? no.

i am vain in that assertion, in that belief. he and i are parallel lines, never intersecting, but always going living next to each other in a spatial world that cannot be seen by the naked eye.

he will come back. he will check in on me, and he will tell me of his adventures.

when hes done hurting and when hes able to make a move, he will come.

i can sometimes feel him next to me, not in a ghostlike way, but in a deep, perceptive way. and i know the magic he has in him and how he uses that magic, so im not surprised.

im going with dines today to watch the movie, hang out, then come home, take a shower, and go to katvas place.

he said last night, where are you going in pasadena? dont worry, im not going to stalk you, i just want a general idea.

of course. somewhere on oakland, i think.

will there be many boys there trying to make you forget about me?

well, they can try, but it really is my decision whether or not i do that, isnt it? and my decision is to not let them. if it were any other way, id rather be with you, but you know, timing.

its everything.

i love that he is secure enough to say this, to say it, and still be kidding.

he said he was kidding. but i countered with, you know, if you were to hang out tonite, and if you were to meet some women, you should definitely go for it. there are so many beautiful women in that city.

if you knew my brother, youd know im in safe hands.

it doesnt really matter. if he meets someone there or here, it doesnt matter because hes opened me up again, just like the other he did last year.

and it is unbelievable.

oh, hell no

it was so disastrous going to katmas house. and the most devastating thing?

i didnt get to see no go go boys because that drunkard annoyed me to the point of bailing out.

but my little boy toy crush swak was there, and if he werent gay, i swear, id have made out with him. just because he is so gorgeous, so funny, and when he laid his hands on me tonite to illustrate a part in his story of a homeless woman hitting on him in a public restroom in san francisco...well, i just about died.

i told lewol that i will never go to katmas house again; first, because the fucking parking is out of control, and second, she gets belligerent when shes drunk...and shes always drunk.

but lets get back to swak. he messaged me when they got to the club, katma is giving a stripper head. too bad you bailed. swak.

hes so hot, man. dark hair, pale skin, black rimmed glasses, and sexy lips. cute. so cute. and hes 28.

we were talking about giving head tonite, and i said that while ive been out of practice lately, i think im really great at it. and it wasnt dirty or sleazy...it was a pure conversation.

so, yeah. i was so out of katmas house almost as soon as i got there. it took me twenty minutes to find parking, and when i finally found it, it was so fucking cold that i was pissed i had to walk.

however, when i entered her cute apartment, she said, you look so hot. are you wearing makeup?

it was compliments galore. it was awesome. but i mean, come on, i know when i look good, and i know when i look like shit.

lewol and i ended up going to hop, and i told her all about me making out with the buddhist for like three hours after the damned restaurant closed.

that was a sexy man, i tell ya. but its all good. its all done.

before the new year begins, im going to hammer out my resolutions and then im going to cut some boys out of my life for good.

f, first and foremost. hes too young. cute, but way too young.

luro. thats going to be a hard one, but its funny with him. we can go months without talking, and then one will call the other, and then...well, then hes fucking me with his tongue.

all virgos. and their cousins. nothing more to say about that.

there. those three for sure. and katma. im going to ditch that drunken bitch. too bad, too, because shes so funny and hilarious sober.

katma had her first girl experience.

time is a thief

if i were younger, or if it were a year and a half ago, i wouldnt be so...extreme in my celibacy.

even katma got laid. and she has a fucked up back to prove it.

wtf?

you know, this is going to be a fantastic year, this 2008. its had a beautiful preview from this year, so im very confident that so many things will be happening.

so yes, time is a thief, but it aint robbing me of anymore because ive still got my sass.

and my perversions.

i just dont like talkin' 'bout it, thats all.

oh, to make out with some delicious soul.

d, where the fuck are you?

this has got to stop

i do not know why my system is so hungry for sleep. im no longer lying around reading, writing, doing crossword puzzles, surfing some mindless shit.

nope.

today, i slept.

and it isnt as if im going to my project. that will resume on january 2.

and i sure as hell not getting fucked. that is on hold until i meet some hypercool dude with beautiful eyes and lips that beg for me to be on them. where to meet this man, i have no idea, but you never know.

and im not exerting any effort at all, other than hanging out with family and friends...

unless...

is that it?

are they toxic to my system?

no, of course not. this is the first christmas season in a long time where ive felt joyful, not bluesy depressed. this is wonderful, folks, just so fucking happy that i wish to bottle it up and open it when i get back to work on fucking wednesday.

now, work...thats a toxic place. not just with some of the negative energy, but also because of the land its on. im telling you, its a landfill.

i used to sit at my desk, and then all of a sudden, feel like i just had all the tryptophan in a turkey farm poured directly in my blood stream.

and i couldnt make myself wake up, couldnt do anything to feel like not sleeping, so i just walked around.

when i got home, i would take a nap, but i wouldnt feel better.

i had wondered if my herbal medication had something to do with it, so i stopped smoking out for a bit, and while it worked a little, it didnt completely help.

oh, i dread going back to my little cage. but i know that in forty days, i will go off track, go back to gusd and network, so i can finally leave this fucking place for good.

in my heart, nothing will make me stay at this place.

not more money.

not less time.

not even friends.

sorry, but ive got to break up with lausd for good.

tonite, a bunch of us poly parrots are going to hang out at katmas house before going to a gay bar. do you know how much ive missed gay bars?

man, im not going to drink, though, because i have an appointment tomorrow at 9 for my monthly session, and im taking my aunt.

i have to be awake, and i dont want alcohol failing me. i hope we are not out too late, because fuck, i wont be able to nap at all.

go go boys. so sexy.

yummy!

permission granted

today was the redhaired boys birthday, so i called him. its funny, but we can go for months, years even without communication, and then when we talk, its as if no time has passed by between us.

i asked him, even though i knew, so, youre 39, yes?

no, im only 35.

oh, right. because on my next birthday, im going to be 34 because youre older than i am, and on my birthday after that, im going to be 33.

well, thats right. thats how we age.

we spoke about his little one who is also a little redhaired boy like his father, spoke about his mother who is in town, spoke about my sister.

no mention of his wife. i didnt ask. he didnt offer. it was a quick conversation, so that was perhaps an oversight.

hes doing well, he said, and before we got off the phone, he told me to call him anytime.

yeah, right. two years ago, we almost stopped speaking for good because i called him. around 630 p.m., on my way to paralit, and he told my ass off. said not to call him when it was almost time for him to go home, said his wife wouldnt understand.

i asked him if his wife would understand when i called him during the day.

we are friends, he and i, best friends really, even when we were together. he is one of the few people i allowed to care for me, to let my shield down and watch over me. and he was amazing at it.

ive been so fucking blessed with the men in my life who have stayed for longer than a night. theyve been so amazing really, so bloody lovely, and i always wonder what it is about me that is repelled by longterm companionship.

i think i get bored, and my disenchantment gets the better of me, and little things begin to assault my system, and i feel as if im in a box with the lid closed tightly, and i cant breathe.

breathe. sometimes, i drown in my own breath from breathing deeply.

im so tired, having spent the day with my cute little friend, lines almost-2-year-old son.

it was sweet today when dines said, everyone loves you, from babies to grown men. i hate you.

what? where is this coming from?

its true, says lines, you make everyone around you feel comfortable.

and special, said dines.

i dont think im doing anything different other than having fun. im not going out of my way to make anyone feel as if my world revolved around them.

my sister called me earlier, and she said, call this number. its richrud.

from chicago? the neighbor from across the street?

yeah, just call. and let me know.

i dialed the number, even though i was in the middle of an intense writing session, and the voice on the other side confirmed that he was indeed richrud.

do you remember me? i asked.

of course, i do. youre m.

yeah. my sister, she told me to call.

how are you?

im well. and you?

fine.

married?

yeah. seven years now. three kids.

let me guess, two boys and one girl?

no, actually. two girls and one boy. how about you? are you married?

no, im not. im too young. but i have a son.

too young?

yeah. i havent met anyone that would pledge to be with me for the rest of his life.

really?

theres truth in it. listen, im going to let you go.

what are you doing?

me? i was writing. what are you doing?

watching tv.

oh, okay, listen, it was great to hear your voice again, and ill tell my sister all about you, okay?

yeah. call again.

i will. good night.

there is such madness, such randomness to this, but its too late in the night to get into it.

someday, if theres time or inclination, ill bring you back to the years in the chicago suburbs, to the drama when friends become kissing buddies, to a childhood complete with bikes, braces (not me, but many of the neighborhood kids), running bases (a dangerous game involving a baseball and concrete sidewalks), and precious summer months.

and when i asked richrud about his parents, he said, my mom is fine, but my father passed away 12 years ago.

im sorry. i didnt know.

how could you know?

i know, we havent spoken since i left chicago, around 20 years ago?

maybe longer.

he and i were best friends, and we had crushes on each other. he asked my sister to be his girlfriend, but one night, long after they broke up, he and i were on the front lawn, sitting on a blanket, watching the night sky, when he pulled the blanket over us, and he kissed me.

i was surprised, pleasantly, and it was so sweet, so quick, and so funny, we both ended up laughing.

when i left for la, i didnt say good bye to him. when i came back home, he didnt visit me across the street. when i left for la the final time, i saw him at his window as my father drove me to the airport.

who knew?

i was a hit tonite. i held the attention of a short, redheaded, cute little man, and i was warmed.

what did it? i guess im just cool like that. and ive set it up. built it. left trails for him, let him come to me, never pursuing him, and it worked.

plus, i bought him a wooden tool box set, complete with wooden tools and such for christmas, and it just really settled it.

lines, his mother, said, now i have to compete with you for my sons attention. you have to understand, he never goes to anyone like he goes to you, never kisses them, never wants to sit on their lap. not even his own father.

well, thats really a no-brainer.

but it was a great night, and again, i brought it home with the christmas presents. small, yet meaningful, and several for each of them.

i love this feeling of giving, you know? its very powerful, and it makes me feel complete.

so, ho-el called. he said, so, i was in your area this morning, and i called you to see if you wanted to get breakfast. but you never returned my call.

i was asleep sorry.

oh? late night?

sort of. where are you coming from?

i was just visiting my lady friend. what kept you up last night?

my gentleman friend.

oh?

yeah, hey, we should get together soon, if youre free. like friday. for breakfast.

okay, i think im free. what time?

around 9 or so. i have to head out to my sisters by 1130.

oh, so a real breakfast.

yeah, it might be fun.

call me on thursday night to remind me?

sure.

and then dines, in all her craziness, said, hey, we are going to two nye parties. kava and then eric.

are you kidding? im going to be in bed.

come on. itll be fun.

i dont want to surround myself with freaks, man. and what if i make out with some guy out of desperation to ring in the new year?

we can welcome in the new year in the car.

ill think about it.

dont say no.

im thinking about it.

lines piped in, stop by our place to have a glass of champagne.

they dont understand that i have family obligations on new years day, a tradition that was started last year. i have to do this. it so fun. and then i have to work the next fucking day. nice.

maybe next year, im going to have christmas at my place, or not. i dont know. my family is big, and i dont think they can all fit in this large place of mine. i may just wait until we celebrate it at the loft that im going to purchase once i get a job at gusd.

thats my fantasy. to live in a large space, strategically divided by area rugs and bookshelves and art pieces. i want it to be huge to fit my family and friends because i want to start inviting people to my abode again, to slowly start letting them in again, to welcome the new and the old again.

to fit my family, i need like a warehouse. the boys need a place to play their game systems, the girls need a place to use the computer and watch the girly movies. the adults need a place to cook, to eat, to sing, to tell stories, to laugh. the babies need a place to roam, to toddle, to have a world of their own within watching and reaching distance.

and i dream of a large, oak distressed dining table that will fit everyone. like 20 people at a time, even though theres more than that of us.

and i want an area where people can smoke out without receiving glares and indignation from others who dont do that stuff.

warehouse. or a large, open floor plan. but im telling you, a loft suits my personality just fine.

so, i have to go to bed now because i dont want a repeat of my night last night.

tomorrow, i have an early day, dealing with financial matters that need to clear up. then lines is treating me and dines to a pizza lunch in glendale.

ive missed this. ive missed my girls, because when im with them, i know a part of me is replenished.

good night, y'all.

so dramatic

i was studying some pictures just now, and i felt like the kid in close encounter of the third kind. you know the part, right when he was awakened by his toys and led to the field, and it was all windy and loud, and then the mothership landed and took him away.

because as i was minding my own business, i heard some wind chimes ring furiously, some of my patio furniture tossling, and then the wind...the amazing wind...kick in, and i saw the shadows of the trees and the light from the post make some eerie images on my white curtains in my living room.

and then the wind died down. rested, took a breath, and then just now, started to kick in again.

the closed doors of the rooms upstairs are responding to the wind coming from the open windows. i love these sounds. its like ghosts trying to scare those inhabiting what they inhabited before they passed on.

its romantic, really, the sound of the dry leaves scraping against the dry concrete. i cant see them, its dark, but i can hear them doing so.

this is the rhythm of the winter. the wind blowing, outdoor furniture staying still but losing out in the end.

when i lived in chicago, the sounds of the blizzards or the impending tornadoes turned me on so much. thats living on the edge, when you feel your candle can be blown out just like that.

so sexy.

fuck, i have to get ready to go out now.

the best

ill write this from now to before, about 48 hours before. its easier that way.

i miss igra. just now. felt this pang for him, for his laugh, and this cute little way of him being suggestive without meaning to. its not really his strength, but its endearing, and i like it. hes working today, i think, im sure. hes a workaholic. later on, when im on the road to dines, im going to call him.

i arose today at 1 p.m., not because it was a lazy lounge day, which by the way, im trying to stop. im rested, and i dont want to waste time in bed when ive got shit to do (fun shit), so tomorrow, im going to get up early. well, thats a relative time, no? early for me, when im on vacation.

i battled a recent case of insomnia last night, after i got off the phone with g(*) at around 4:30 in the a.m. hes been the best conversation ive had in months, and i feel like we speak the same language.

so, we spoke last night, g(*) and i, spoke for hours again, and it was lovely. again. hes been my favorite really lately, and well, you know. hes...well, hes g(*).

christmas this year was amazingly fun. im still not an adult, but no longer a kid, so as usual, its hard to figure out where i belong.

im used to it. this is how i am at work, with many of my friends, with my family. i dont follow the rules of convention, so im odd. and thats cool with me, id rather be different and live my life, than conform and live the lives others live.

so, ive learned to be my own best friend. ive learned to go to family gatherings, and hang out with the little kids who love me because im the fun one.

ive learned to edit and censor what comes out of my mouth when hanging out with friends. theres only been a few who have understood me and not judged me.

few. like the exbf. w, too, i hope. igra. and theyve only seen parts of me. the sexual side of me. the artistic side of me. the needy relationship idiot side of me. and others? well, theyve just seen the surface me.

they say that because babies are so innocent that they usually play with angels. thats why sometimes, they look at something that we cant see, they smile, and the laugh. theyre playing with the angels.

i think when im with kids, they see the fun side of me, the side that isnt afraid of crawling with them, of running around, of laughing. ive noticed that many of the adults just hang out with the adults and ignore the kids.

so, i hang out with them. i photograph them. i tell them stories, and they tell me stories. and i have more fun with them than i do with people my age.

at christmas, i was sitting with my aunt in the formal living room. she was talking to me while i was on my phone cruising the blog sites of some of my absolute addictions...you know, the ones where there steamy sex, and the ones that have awesome pictures by photographers i want to be like some day, and the ones that are so expertly written that i fall in love with their grammar usage and sentence structures. im a nerd that way, i guess, but solid writing turns me on.

anyway, she brought up the boys father, and she asked, is there no hope that you guys will get back together?

at first, i thought i misheard her because i was reading something, so i put my phone away, and said, pardon?

you know, is there a chance that you will get married? for matts sake?

uh, no. because i think he is seeing someone, and besides, too much time has passed.

really? but isnt it hard to be alone?

actually, i think it would be more work with a partner. i dont think im ready to settle down and get married.

i havent had to explain my choices to a family member for at least 10 years, and even when the exbf was in the picture, no one asked about our living arrangements.

its crazy. i told the boy on the way home last night that i didnt think i could get married any time soon. he shrugged his shoulders and agreed. im just not the marrying type, i guess.

ho-el called earlier. i slept through it. he calls randomly, and it always makes me wonder where his girlfriend(s) are. hes a mature 27, almost done with his masters at long beach, and i think he and i should celebrate. but he drinks a lot, and ive told him i cant keep up, but one day, im going to.

theres no attraction except for a friendship, but hes so cool. and funny. god, we told some kids that we were in a relationship before, and we broke up because i slept with my professor, but he couldnt let go of me, so he followed me to poly, and all that shit. we play off of each other so well, and he asks me, where the hell do you come up with all this?

from my ass. doesnt it smell like roses?

you are just so wrong.

right? why do you think im single?

i hope f is having fun with his parents in new mexico. hes so cute, man. if we ever get together, its going to be so fun. hes got a thing for older women because his professor came on to him and fucked him.

isnt that so typical? but its cute, so its forgiven. i love his voice, did i tell you? its so sweet and low, like the sugar substitute, and he makes me laugh.

im toying with him because i can, because we have established ground rules and set some boundaries. he knows where im coming from, and i know where hes coming from, and if we ever get together, then itll be casual and fun. nothing grave and dramatic.

i have to get ready to hang out with dines and lines. give them their christmas presents, hang out for a bit, maybe bring a movie. girl stuff. talk about boys.

dines emailed me her new years resolutions, and one of them is to get married. in 2008. thats just nucking futs scary.

i loved christmas this year, and i loved 2007. i feel im getting better, im heading towards self-efficacy, and if its because of all the shit i went through, im grateful.

sanva was key to this, and even though i hated every session with her, shes been instrumental to me facing who i am without being scared and running away.

she told me once to take ownership of my decisions.

and this has freed me from whatever invisible chains were around my neck.

i cant wait until 2008. i may not want marriage, but you know what? id like to be surprised.

id like amazing energy around me, new experiences, and wonderful gifts that i never thought i wanted but wouldnt be able to live without.

i just dont want no more kids other than my boy. ever.

i wonder how luro is?

taking it too far

it seems that because ive given myself permission for the past two saturdays to lounge all day, ive taken advantage of it.

i did nothing today, except read, text message my girls who are in crisis and in pain over heartbreaks, and other such silliness.

if i werent invited to a christmas eve party tonite (not my family, and i dont want to go, but yet feel obligated to), id stay under my covers until 11 p.m. right before midnight mass.

it isnt that im lazy. i smoked out a little last night and more today, and that shit is strong. well, it isnt strong, but i havent puffed away in weeks, giving my system a reprieve, so it just hit me hard.

i was in a panic last night, trying to figure out this program, and i almost wasnt going to take this class, but dines convinced me otherwise. shes right, i want this to do this, and i have to put in the work.

its a bit fucked up to be able to manipulate pictures. im a bit of a snob about this because i think artists have to perfect their technical eye as well as their creative eye without assistance. but i know, i know, i know that these clean up messes and all that jazz.

i need to be more social. elaro had a potluck on saturday that i didnt go to, choosing instead to hang out with dines. its all good. just didnt want to hang out in a house that seems a bit claustrophobic with a whole bunch of people. but edpe went. hes so cute.

im going to figure out my new years resolution. its funny, i read back on old posts, and some prophecies were fulfilled. ive got be careful what i put out to the universe that is written or thought of.

powerful stuff.

in the bulletin yesterday, the monsignor encourages writing in a journal daily. he said that when we write in our own handwriting (as opposed to typing it), we are expressing our essence.

or something more eloquent than that.

peace, y'all. peace to you and yours.

and may you get what you get what you want.

i love this song.

not so easy

im sitting in front of this computer, the adobe photoshop 7.0 user guide in front of me also, and im frustrated. i need to learn this program.

this is going to consist of me reading and doing some homework.

the thing is that i have to force myself to learn this way. im a visual and kinesthetic learner. i need to see and touch. but i cant read. ive never read a manual to put things together before. that was the exbfs job.

i suppose i can ask jari or one of my students to help me, but fuck it, ive got to figure this out by myself.

the class im going to take at the art center is going to be a crash course in black and white photography. this is going to be good. i need it, but the fucked up thing is its on wednesday night, so i have to ask my father to take the boy to orchestra practice. its only seven weeks, though, so i hope he wont mind.

this is when i wish the boys father lived closer and can take him.

i can feel the anxiety building.

like earlier at the mall. the boy and i got there later than i wanted because i had to see who won the shot. we found an awesome parking spot, purely by luck, and as i was pulling in, i told him of the time someone stole a parking spot from me around christmas time when he was a baby.

we walked inside, and we had lunch. there is a chef at one of the restaurants in the mall who is so cute. he has the features that i love: dark hair, light skin, dark eyes, red lips.

last time we were there, i asked him if he was a brother of a friend from a long time ago, and he said no. today, he dropped the chips in front of us, and it made me giggle a little.

after lunch, the boy said, okay, im going to get my stuff, and ill meet you.

off he went. and i felt this incredible feeling of being unattached, of being so free, of being able to just breathe. i walked to the stores i wanted to, and i couldnt find anything. i didnt want to spend money today.

but i got some stuff for the family christmas party, and that was like $100.

i need to get to gusd. i pray this will work.

Lord, help me.

so easy

im waiting for this year to end already, even though it wasnt a bad year.

nope, not at all.

in fact, its been really fabulous, complete with amazing sex the first part of the year, then amazing self-knowledge the second part.

friends have come and gone, new friendships have been formed, and endings crystallized.

new types of love have been experienced, such as love of freedom, love for another, love for myself, love for a job, and the feeling of being loved.

in the nine years since the exbf first entered my life, this has been the second year that we have not made contact. i want to feel that he and i will never speak again, but the world is strange, and ive learned never to assume.

this year brought a new type of understanding: that i am not in control, but merely a co-pilot, and that suits me just fine.

ive been to therapy for a year and a half now, the first part being so new and scary, and the second part being empowered. im so proud of myself for sticking it out, especially when i wanted to stop. there moments there after difficult sessions when i felt disoriented, but that challenge defined me.

dines said that she wishes she were more like me, that i can let go so easily, that i dont need anyone.

dont be fooled by me, i say to her, because im at this phase where my life is so good right now, but its precariously balanced, and i dont want to introduce anyone into it for fear that it will change. i dont want that right now, but it doesnt make me strong, it just means ive decided.

being around her again, getting back together, its different this time. shes transforming into a better person, and im excited to see the evolving product.

lines' husband the asshole was there for a little while, and he says to me, m, may the new year make us friends. is it important to you that we become friends?

of course, it is.

good. we dont have to be best friends, but we can be friends.

sure.

i know where this is coming from. i make him insecure because he knows that i know that he is a fucking loser, and he doesnt deserve my friend. and because he knows that i know this, hes afraid i will spill it.

but the fact is, i have to do nothing at all. hes a slob, hes foul, and i will never like him. ill tolerate him, ill hang out with him when i have to, but i will never stomach him.

i told him that i cut out people from my life, and when he asked why, i simply responded, because i can, and i dont have a need for them.

why he wants to be my friend all of a sudden when he has been nothing but a fucking asshole to me astounds me. perhaps its the medication hes on, but shit, he is inconsequential to me.

its harsh, isnt it, but if i tell you how hes been towards me in the past, you will agree with me.

trust me.

im right about this.

amazing grace

ive been in bed for 21 hours, rising just now to take a shower and head on over to dines because shes a bit depressed.

earlier, i had a three-hour conversation with a soul who made me laugh, who made me wet, who amazed with me a time of 2 minutes. kudos, darling.

i learned more about him this afternoon, learned how his laugh is subtle yet delicious, learned that he says fuck with such affirmation afterwards, learned that he was indeed in the army.

what i havent learned yet is his name, and i envy those who can address him. in a way, this part of him will keep me on this leash, with his hands controlling it. and for now, its all well.

ive been so consumed with my own head trip that i forgot to mention how amazing my kids are. i hate this fucking schedule at this school. it leaves me little time to devote attention to them.

this beautiful girl who had some real tough problems: first, sexually abused at 5, then, tried to kill herself, moved to a new city, overcame the deep tear in her childhood to be on my caseload wrote to me that i was an inspiration to her and that i was beautiful.

are you kidding me? this girl is stunning, her picture on my office wall is admired by many young gentlemen and gentleladies. and shes got a good head on her shoulders, but shes far from perfect. she is, in fact, a flirt, and i hate that it makes her seem so ditzy.

shes one of the many that i have been graced to have on my caseload, one of the many with stories that drive through me and make me cold with such hurt because little babies feel this type of pain.

maybe when i was in high school and growing up in the sterile suburbs, maybe i was sheltered from these type of spirits who suffered through so much. while my story wasnt normal, it wasnt as heartbreakingly tragic as the ones ive heard so far.

you dont know how much joy they bring me, these students, but how much frustration as well. if you came to my office on any given day, youd find one or two to as much as ten hanging out with me at a time. they love me because i remember their names, and that i address them by it. they say their teachers or their previous counselors (one being that fucking barney) have never called them by their names, and in their defense, i tell the students that they had more than i do on their caseloads.

but you know they dont listen to reason, their minds made up of who they love and who they dont. and in their stubbornness, thats it. theres nothing more to talk about. so i just listen.

they are so lovely, so young and fresh, yet theyve been aged with poverty, with dysfunction, with drinking and drugs (poor quality, im sure, because youd have to have a pharmacist like mine or better to get good quality). theyve been assaulted by their circumstance, not all of them, but many of them, and i can tell.

see, the ones who are not jaded are so innocent, so lovingly sweet and gentle. theyre the white snow, the rainbow, and the clouds of my days.

but the truth is, im closer to the ones who have such sad eyes. they draw me in, they take my heart, and they feed my desire to help.

and i hate that i have no fucking time to devote to them, hate that i cant run groups because that fucking yeti wants me in my office, but when my babies come in, the whole office is pissed.

larfi said to me yesterday, youre the counselor of the year, you know that?

why would you say that, larfi? youre the awesome one.

your kids come to visit you just to chat. they love you.

and i love them. the lost ones. the tough ones. the ones who are in fear of getting jumped by rival gang members. the pregnant ones. the scared ones. the fragile ones. and the ones who see no future for themselves other than living in the toxic hell hole of the valley.

every morning, i pray for grace to be strong for them, to be firm yet loving, to be kind to them, to be more than they need. and i pray for the grace to come back to my other life, the one that starts after work ends, stronger, more whole, and never too crushed by what i learn throughout the day.

i pray for patience for myself, for all the mistakes i make, for all the tears i never shed, for all the hurts i cause.

i pray mostly, though, for health and safety for just one more day.

and if it is the will of God, i pray to get a job at gusd. for the money, but also for a better place. im sure the stories are the same, and thats okay. ill be going there armed with a softer heart, a more listening ear, and a deeper desire to right what the world has wronged.

amazing grace.

purgatory and revelations (no, not the book of)

i pass out last night as soon as the warmth enveloped me, and in my dreams, i am as restless as i am awake.

and i know why.

im living in purgatory, in exile, self-imposed, of course, and i like it here.

ive learned to like it here, learned how i react to my surroundings, to the people i meet. and im not ready to leave yet, not willing to go back out to the dating scene, to making new friends, to opening up and feeling vulnerable again.

you see, i thought he was my redemption from the exbf, and the exbf was my redemption from the boys father, and the boys father was my redemption from the redhaired boy.

because i fucked up in all those relationships. good men, good hearted solid men, complete with their own issues, but really wouldnt have hurt me.

and in my fucked upness, because i was confused why they were so good to me, why they treated me with kindness, that i hurt.

yeah, its what my childhood did to me, blah blah blah. ive gone through three therapists who can tell you its abandonment concerns.

which is why i dont trust. this is ive known too well.

they say that therapists and counselors should attend therapy before they practice. now i know why. because yesterday, when i heard infidelities and hurts and pain, it triggered memories of my own shit, and i crumbled inside.

but i cant express that, not when im in a counseling session. oh, dont worry, i dont take their words with me, i dont carry people and all of their hurts and carve a niche for them in my own heart because my heart is already filled with broken heart-shaped cutouts and there is no more space.

if i did, id become so undone and so broken, i fear i wouldnt heal. in times like these, i wish i had that magic quality of a vampire to cure itself to normal. id use that for my heart. and for my mind.

my thoughts are having an early christmas party today. old thoughts are running around, preparing the scene, and eventually, the new thoughts will join them, and my brain will be too full of thoughts that it will shut down.

yesterday, amylicious said, oh, i know myself. i just dont want to deal with myself.

yeah, i said, i know what you mean. im trying to face my internal mirror, but its fogged up, you know?

see, my exile would work if i werent so damned in need of social interaction. i dont seek it, but i bait, i wait, and then when they come, i am all at once drinking in familiarity and the sounds of laughter.

but it isnt fair to anyone because in my mind, i know i wont stay, that ill take what i can from single instances of conversation or of fun because i know ill disappear.

poor dines is the victim of this. she called me after work, when i was on my way to the drinking hole, and explained, it was good to see you, too. i cannot be mad at you for too long because its always like there werent two months of you not being around.

listen to me. when i leave, it isnt about you. you have to remember that, okay? because its me. i have to just take breaks from my life and deal with work or with myself or with other things. dont feel like youve done anything wrong. you havent.

i know. i try, but its hard.

if it werent for her persistence, we would have stopped being friends long ago. and if it werent for the exbfs love, that would have ended three days after he came in me for the first time.

these two are prominent figures in my emotional growth.

but ive done them wrong.

and im punishing myself. for being so fucked up.

its my curse, my cross to bear.

the boy is stirring upstairs. we really should get his christmas present today, but i dont want to deal with the crowds, unless we go super early and come home before they come.

i kind of feel melancholy as a mother now. i mean, i loved choosing his presents, wrapping them up in pretty paper, not usually christmas-y paper, but festive solid colored layers. and when his little hands tore the paper, and when his big wide eyes saw the present, and his gorgeous red lips formed a smile, i knew i couldve died then and my life would have been complete.

but now, as ive expected, hed much rather choose his own gifts. and hes a minimalist, so he doesnt want anything extra that ive chosen, so nothing in his stockings. clutter, he says.

ironically, we have no stockings up.

can you keep a secret? ive stopped dressing my house for christmas since the last time we spent christmas as a family unit four years ago.

when the exbf left, he took away with him my breath, and im still wondering if ill be able to find me again. ive met some who have shown me how to breathe, how to allow myself to be loved and cared for, but still. i will find myself.

i will.

i know this. in my stubbornness and in my tenacity of never losing without a taking my opponents blood, i know i will love again, i will forgive myself, i will be better.

i have to.

ps...g(*) is a fucking sexy, insprirational writer. hes done me good.

its only 9 p.m.?!?!?

i had one drink, one strong drink, and my ass is ready to find its way under multiple layers of blankets.

i have one whole week and a half off, and im not planning for anything because, lets face it, by the time i unwind, itll be time to go back to work.

i fucking despise the yeti and her son. jeezus, really, i mean, come on!

im going to stay in bed all day tomorrow, not feeling the need to talk to anyone besides the kid. i have to decompress from all of these thoughts leading from one thing to another.

i think i need to really get my photography business out of the way, and im going to find another blog to showcase the pictures.

i took some today, of a mother and a child, shes beautiful and hes so fucking cherubic, and these shots were money shots.

i mean, i loved the energy, the good positive flowing energy.

i cant stay at poly, at lausd. if i get a job at gusd, id be making $13k more doing less than what im doing now. meaning, id be free to do groups. i need to leave, but i also need to take pictures.

oh, and big dog and his kids were photographed by yours truly, too. i respect him as a father, the way hes so good with his twins, and what he does and what hes sacrificed for them.

and they love him. they look at him and include him with such love that im almost jealous. and im also missing that fucker w because hes an amazing man father, and i need to connect with that.

yjc gives me little hope about my situation, even though ive known from day one that this is how it would be: him there and me here.

im going to bed.

night.

keeper of secrets

thats me. yup. me. my role as a counselor has deemed me worthy of hearing confessions, secrets of those around me.

today, my girl amylicious told me all about how she and big dog are fooling around. a year ago it started. this is tragic, what shes going through because of her, not because of him. i heart the girl, and i totally believe our meeting is serendipitious.

then one of my students who NEVER has spoken to me about anything other than school broke down and told me how crushed hes been since the breakup with one of my favorite students (though shes immature). he said he hasnt slept since last tuesday.

yjc came to my office today and said, i need to talk. wanna get a drink?

i cant. i have an appointment at 2:30.

really? because im dying.

lewolf came by to say goodbye and somehow we started talking about drinking, and i said, lets go to happy hour, even though its only 1:30. ill cancel my appointment.

okay, she said.

so, we went, the three of us, yjcs wet dream because this would be the first time ive hung out with him at all.

hes so in love with x, and im glad because shes beautiful and so sweet.

on the way home from drinking, he called and told me, i want to tell you that youre my best friend here in la. i dont talk to anyone outside of my family about my problems. well, i talk to x, but its not the same, and im mad at you because youre leaving in june.

i know, im sorry, but i have your back, and we will still be friends no matter what.

that was so touching, and now, im home, tired from lack of sleep last night.

his voice echoed in my head as he was fucking another. he called me on his way to her, and when he got there, before he went in, he asked me where it was i preferred a man to cum.

my mouth. or my pussy, i said, but its been awhile.

well, i suppose i should go in.

yeah, you should. its cold, and besides i have to fuck also.

oh? someone coming to fuck you?

no, im going to use my dildo. and i like it because it doesnt want me to cuddle after ive cum.

this conversation lasted no more than 20 minutes, taking place thirty minutes past midnight. it was the first time i heard his voice, so cool, so sexy.

my honesty couldnt prevent me from telling him so.

damn, it would be delicious to spend some time in bed with him, rolling in our wetness, feeling his hardness against my softness and my heat.

i think about f, too, now home with his parents.

i need to really get away.

just fun, no games

f: cause youre busy, and i can tell. you let me know when you want me. until i get a taste of you, you dont exist for me.

m: ouch.

f: i didnt mean to bite hard. i still want to nibble on you. im leaving friday for a week. lets start the year right or wrong. i want you on my smile.

that was yesterday, via text messages.

this evening, he said, are you on your way home?

no, im actually on my way to my plans for the evening.

oh? god, you make it sound so mysterious.

do i? im just hanging out with friends. what are you going to do?

i was going to hang out with friends, too, before we leave cali for the holidays. i could have changed my plans if you wanted to get together tonite.

no, go ahead, its okay. cali will miss you while youre gone.

well, ill have my cell and laptop, so ill be in touch with you.

this is a boy. what the hell am i doing?

nothing. im just going to let it ride. not be all in, of course.

of course not. i mean, hes a boy. such a sweet, yummy boy, shy...i love shy.

but no games. i want honesty, and i want him to know that this is just for now.

now.

im not ready to settle down with one person, not yet, not now. it wouldnt be fair to anyone. i have things to do still, get this photography business off the ground, see if its what i want to do.

so, heres the plan. lines said she will tell her peeps that i can take photos of their little ones for sessions. ill charge $250 for an hour session, plus touch up of all the pics in a cd, and ill give them three pics, framed. lines suggested i get my own website, and shell advertise for me. cool, eh?

hows about that? ill talk to my fast frames friend, steve, who i have to call because i havent spoken to him in such a long time. i need some more of his mattes.

theres an art show on the 17th of january, but im not too sure im going to do it. its too soon. and its a different type of action. its a bit more street photography, and i need to get out there on the streets.

aaarrrgghhh. i forgot who messaged me that once. he said, i always start each morning with an aaarrrgghhh.

brilliant, i thought.

theres so many i have lost touch with, mostly due to my being so busy and then tired. but you know, when things let up, ill probably touch them.

not ones ive let go. some i cant completely let go of (w), but soon.

at least thats what i tell myself.

*****
it feels odd to go out these days, since i havent socialized with others for the past two months. i chastise myself about being antisocial, but i know sometimes, i just have to recharge.

its challenging to juggle the boy (my son) and his needs with my own needs. if i had some guy in my life, i know he would have to constantly battle for my time, for my attention, for me.

i love this track schedule, but i dont love it here at poly. its too stressful really, but i love my kids, so when they graduate, im out.

i cannot wait to have a week and a half off. i have to read. catch up on the newspapers, just hang out, read some mags.

this will be a beautiful year, 2008. it will be surprising, exhilarating, fulfilling, and my God, it will be just so graceful.

i predict healthy, positive changes: new job, perhaps new profession, new friends. new lovers? perhaps, but im not going to allow that right now. not even with f.

i predict blessed moments: trip to japan, trip to my favorite city, traveling, and photojournaling.

i believe this will come to pass. and i want to live in the now. live in it, instead of letting it pass, and me wondering what the hell just blew my way.

blessed. graced.

fortunate. grateful.

o, holy night.

crushes

oh, f. its just the thought of him, you know. not really him, but just that hes harmless, and hes so fucking cute.

my other crush, g(*), not to be confused with g.lo because they are two different people, completely different, has disappeared into the abyss of working and deadlines and probably fucking.

im glad. this is a season for sweet lovemaking, for cuddling under covers, and for being grateful for all that we have.

ive resigned myself to the fact that this christmas eve will not bring me any of what ive had in the past two years, and this suits me well.

f goes away tomorrow to visit his parents. isnt that so cute? hes so young, i love it. and i feel i discount him because of his age, which i wont go into right now, but hes so cute.

he has issues, we all do, but hes so cute, its almost forgivable.

but alas, im not ready. not ready for our flesh to meet, for me to be sexual at all, and whatever else.

not yet.

i know, though, that if it were g(*), god, id go to him. theres something so sweet about him, so broken, so hurt. hes just an amazingly brilliant writer, so fucking hot in the picture he sent me...jeezus, i cant.

so, yeah, tomorrow is the last day before vacation. my kids have been stopping by to say good bye and hello and happy holidays and such.

theyre so amazing, my kids.

i miss w. shit, i miss him, but he hates me.

off to hang with dines and lines.

its so cold.

winding down

we have a large staff at work, and i bought only 32 christmas cards, so some wont be getting one. which sucks because its due to bad planning on my part. first, i wasnt going to give any cards. then, i was only going to give it to maybe two people (megbro and leswol), but then...people started to bring me things.

and i realized that i was keeping myself from telling people how awesome theyve been to me, how fucking cool theyve been even if we only get to see each other for a few minutes, how grand their hugs or their smiles or their mild flirtations have been.

so, i caved and bought almost $30 of cute stuff to put with cards. nothing major. just these candy canes twisted in christmas trees with little jelly candy as toppers. cute.

i went to starfucks to write the cards while the boy went to his practice, and i saw this gorgeous eye candy. he was stunning. i couldnt help but stare at him, and then i did it.

i fucking did it, and im not expecting results, but lets just say, i did it.

he probably has a girlfriend because anything that looks like that deserves to have lovely midnight kisses and warm lovemaking and amazing conversations. he had three books with him, and some crazy lovely lady with a big black furry dog sat down next to him and talked to him for a long ass time.

anyway. i was thinking how this christmas eve will be different from the last two christmas eves ive spent. and its a little sad, but its time to start new traditions.

the school year is coming to an end quickly, and im glad. but this year, surprisingly, has been so...awesome. i love my students. they are so cute, so heartbreaking with their stories, so smart, so wicked. i just love them. except for this crazy, spoiled little biatch, who wont come talk to me. which is fine.

i miss writing with my pen in hand on beautiful paper. i miss writing in my journal, typing instead on this screen that doesnt completely convey my essence.

one of my favorite students brother called this afternoon. this student is an artist, and hes choosing to go to a college in san francisco, and they think im going with them on the 26th, but man, ive got no cash and time.

two things that are just dwindling before my eyes. it sucks.

i have to take this photography class at the art center on thursday nights. i have to. and tomorrow, javi is going to install adobe photoshop on my computer. so awesome. then i have to buy a $40 dollar book to do some projects so ill be ready for the class.

damn.

its cool. i can do this. this is when i have tunnel vision about things. i have to invest in this new phase of my life, and i think itll pay for itself.

oh, yeah, theres an article about me in the newspaper. a few people have come up to me and mentioned it. i was so misquoted, and i realize now why celebrities or politicians dont read the newspaper.

i havent read the article myself, but my kid read it out loud to me. he didnt like it. he was really overprotective of me and hypercritical of the article.

cute, huh?

yeah, dont let it fool you. hes a punk ass brat.

but hes MY punk ass brat.

13.6 more hours of work, then one whole fucking week and a half off.

oh, joy.

rush and relaxation

i intended to do some last minute touches on the part of my job that i absolutely cannot stand. i walked into work, earlier than other days despite the spit from the clouds. i needed some armor, so i took some money for coffee and breakfast, and made a trek.

after that, everything went rush rush rush. a student brought in her mother who told me that their family was suffering from pain of losing a loved one. the mother doesnt know that her daughter is fucking up and will probably not graduate in time.

then a few calls from parents with some minor questions. some students stopped by, said hello, and promised to visit me later on in the week.

teachers stopped by with gifts, thoughtful little sweet stuff that just made me feel so sweet.

lewolf and i talked (gossiped) about george, her hot potato shes been sleeping with for a year, and with whom she knows she has no future. because hes married. with kids. and it would just be...scandalous.

we had the faculty christmas lunch today, and i am so crushing on g.lo. man, the way he said my name when he called it out for the raffle made me...go wow.

he doesnt flirt with me, but hes so funny, and i love being around him. we had to go to his house and work on a document, and i was so...honored. hes married, one kid, and another one along the way. his wife seems perfect.

i have no intentions of doing anything with him, and my crush isnt at all physical, but very mental. you know, like man, hes sooooo cute because of his personality, and i am a whore for funny.

nothing will ever happen with me and a married man again. i just wont go down that road anymore, especially because i dont want to push my luck with them.

besides, its just not good for my essence. this cheating business...it has to stop.

i havent met anyone lately, and thats intentional. i realized last night, talking to mariv that i love my life right now, simple and free of any human clutter.

and yet, somehow, the idea of being in the arms of w or the thought of fucking g(*) and his words intrigue me. indeed.

but for now, im just chilling.

what a great day for relaxing...the rain, the clouds, the couch.

but i have a date with my boy for dinner and last minute christmas shopping for the folks at the office.

whats wrong?

i dont cry.

well, not in front of people anyway.

my son said to me once, you arent like all the other mothers. you dont break down and cry. how come?

i just looked at him, smiled, and said, honey, why would you want to make me cry?

i dont. but ive just never seen you cry.

in the past year, ive cried about six times. twice in front of willal, the first incident when i got the balls to call it off, and the second when my mom was in the hospital, and he was holding me, and i felt so fucking safe.

another time was after the senior awards dinner, when this special ed student who had seven surgeries to correct an uncorrectable drooling program due to some freakishness of nature (oh, and ps...he had some sort of physical disability that prevented him from walking or using his hands or speaking clearly) kept winning awards, and his smile just twisted my heart and when i was alone that night in the shower, i bawled out of fatigue and out of humility.

those were the most prominent times, but im sure somewhere in there, i shed some tears.

today, jela said after reading the card, if someone wrote that about me, id be crying all morning.

but not me.

nope.

and it isnt as if im holding on to whatever emotions i have.

nope.

i mean, before the card, a student came in to my office, began sobbing because her cousin died this very morning from a car accident with cocaine use. he was in a coma all weekend. he was only 20. he donated his organs to his little sister. my student was sobbing. you know the way you sob and you cant catch your breath sobbing? like that.

but did i cry with her?

nope.

is there something wrong with me?

am i just cold?

nope.

nope.

i mean, i feel. deeply sometimes. too deeply, other times.

and when i dont feel...i dont feel. desensitized. hurt. numb. all that.

okay.

have to go now.

and have a cry.

just kidding.

validated

i enter my office this morning, steeled against all the shit the day will bring. i have to finish my programming, just a few more students, like 30 or so, which is my first priority.

the fucking shrunken head, who is either clueless to my subtle hatred for her or shes just clearly trying to push me to be her friend, tries to make small talk. i push the papers on my desk, turn on my computer, log in to my different email accounts, all while i answer her stupid questions with one word answers.

she leaves finally, only to return a few moments later because she obviously didnt get her fill of "the treatment".

can i ask your professional opinion? she starts. first, any idiot who approaches me like this (and shes been the only one so far...ever) i know is trying to kiss my ass.

my response is a look of impatience.

she says, if you found out your student was doing stuff like illegally, and you found out through his/her myspace page, what would you do?

it depends. what did i find out?

i dont want to be specific.

male or female?

either.

and i found out because i spied on his/her myspace?

yeah.

if its affecting him/her academically, id talk about it. but i wouldnt say i found out because i was on myspace. i dont do myspace. you have one, right?

yeah. its not that hard to find students on there.

anyway, id call the kid in, and approach it from the viewpoint of a concerned party. ask whats going on and stuff. of course, some deny what they do, except for my kids who feel like they need to tell me everything.

so, youd confront it?

uh, yeah.

heres the conversation going on in my head: you are one stupid ass idiot, girlfriend. and this thin veil of asking like you really care for my answer is really annoying to me, and i wish you would just get the fuck out and not need my approval. your blah blah blahing makes you sound so stupid. damn, your hair sucks. and you may have the others thinking your so great and so organized...but bitch, lets face it, we both know i know you dont. youre an asshole, and i really dont want you coming into my tiny space and bringing stupidity with you, okay?

ho-el came by after she left, closed the door, and pointing to the shrunken heads office said, okay, tell me about her.

i told him everything. well, almost everything. except for the indiscretions with yjc.

and when i finished spilling, i said, im not trying to be a cockblocker. if you want to go out with her, you should go. just call me during so i can rescue you.

good looking out. i trust you.

the rest of the day went well, until...i read a card from one of my favorite students.

and if i could have, i would have cried, but the tears just wouldnt fall. i was emotional, and i carried that card around, looking to share it with someone.

she said that the day she broke down in my office was the lowest point in her life, and she was about to drop out. but she said i inspired her, and blah blah blah. she included her report card with the card. three a's and one b. we only have four classes for forty days.

if i quit today, i know ive done my job. i know that ive touched one person, and that is more than enough.

i love my job, but i dont want to do this forever.

and i especially dont want to do this forever here.

i pray for gusd to hire me.

done.

perfect

its been awhile since i had an absolutely wonderfully perfect day.

i woke up to a missed call made at 1:32 a.m., but i didnt know who it was. i dont have many acquaintances from the 310, so i thought it was a wrong number. i called it back, but it was early, and what was i going to say?

so i hung up.

an email from my crush revealed it was his phone number, and i felt immediately...silly. like girly silly. like in high school silly. ugh.

the boy and i went to breakfast with almoha, her husband scoha, and their child betty; lines and her son jacob; and dines.

this is how dines greeted me: where have you been the last two months? my life was falling apart, and i needed you.

she was expecting me to say that ive met someone, that ive spent all this time with this person, and that it had nothing to do with needing space from...her.

it may be the presumption of many that when im not giving them my attention, that im addressing others. this is so untrue. i dont think many understand my need for me time, the desire to climb into my own bed alone at the end of the day, the necessity to focus on my child right now.

and it isnt anyones fault that there is this perception of me. i mean, after all, ive been told that i make everyone my best friend.

but i am my own best friend. i enjoy my company most of all. and if push came to shove, i think i can survive if i had to alone.

not that i want to be alone. i need human contact, conversations, drama even. i like people, i like their stories, i like the comfort of kindness that everyone possesses (okay, not everyone, not the yeti or the grinch, or the blond yeti).

i love the sounds of laughter, the smell of colognes and perfumes (in moderation, and not all at once), the sight of eye candies and delicious sexy stares, i love the sensuality of humans.

as long as i can always go back to me. as long as i have time to be silent to digest, to reflect.

as long as i can sit with myself to think, to plan.

as long as i can come back to my sanctuary richer for all ive seen and learned.

i think this self-reliance and the love of being by myself came during my college years. i was so dependent on the red haired boy that it scared me because when i wasnt with him, i was alone and scared and a mess and empty.

and he knew this, so he used it against me. i remember once curling into a ball on the university-supplied uncomfortable sofa, feeling as if the world was too big that i think i had a panic attack. it was so awful. it wasnt me, but it was me. it was a part of me that i learned to suppress.

when we moved to sac, he pretty much denied me time on the weekends when everyone in the dorms went home, and i was alone. i hated these times so much, dreaded the weekends, felt so grateful when the girls came back.

but one weekend, there was a party on the boys side of the floor, and i didnt want to go. the thought of getting drunk that weekend was so unappealing that i holed up in my dorm room, just me and my journal and my books and my phone, alone.

of course, it was frightening even though it was my choice.

people kept knocking on my door, slipping notes through the crack over the floor and the underside of the door, calling me to get me to come out.

i stayed in. i allowed myself to feel lonely and scared. i wrote about it, pages and pages of how i wished the red haired boy was the one calling, the one who wanted to hang out with me (we never drank together in all the years weve known each other, except for this one time when we went to a microbrewery in bezerkeley, and he was acting like he didnt want to get too inebriated because something might happen between us, and his then-girlfriend now-wife would be pissed), but he didnt.

at the end of that weekend, i couldnt wait for everyone to clear out of the dorms so i can be alone again.

and i learned to love myself more, to enjoy my company more, to get to know myself more.

but today, today was all about being with family and friends.

after lunch, i learned that betty was a demon child, as described by her father. almoha confirmed it, even though she didnt hear her husband say it. and it broke my heart. i dont give parenting advice because Lord knows i aint perfect, but one thing i did well was to teach my kid that i was the mother and the father, and he was the child.

so, i told her some tricks, but we shall see what happens.

we drove to the suburbs, and we were the first to arrive. my bil, who acted human today, said, we told everyone to come by 2, except we told you to come at 1 because you are always late.

wow, and i stressed out for nothing then.

it was a small lunch gathering for my bils son who turned 23. yikes. i remember when he was an eight year old kid, trying to get my attention away from the boys father. good times.

the bils sister and brother and their family were there. i showed them my pictures, and they were asking if i was a professional, and what kind of camera i used, etc.

i love my pictures. i love my camera. i love this ability.

we took pictures, we laughed, we ate.

and i took a money shot. someone said, this looks like what is on cards and stuff.

i cant believe how perfect it is, i said.

sometimes, i get lucky.

speaking of getting lucky, or lack thereof, im entering the fifth month of no making out, no touching, no grinding, and i must say, it aint bad.

but it aint good, either.

isnt there a study somewhere that says getting laid is good for you?

its better than the herbal meds that ive given up until winter break, which starts next friday at 1:30 p.m.

recovering

it was a tough week, nothing out of the ordinary, but the stress of programming really makes me sick. this is the second saturday in a row where ive stayed in, just me and the boy, me lounging, him playing video games and doing homework in his room.

tomorrow, we go and hang out with almoha and her baby girl and husband, lines and her baby boy and asshole, and dines and whoever shes bringing to brunch. i sure hope my exhusband and his partner make it. that would be so fantastic.

ive figured out why im punishing myself. see, i knew that if i gave myself time to reflect and to be silent, id eventually figure it out.

so, what to do with this knowledge and acceptance?

do i try to change it?

do i try to be at peace with it?

do i wait patiently?

yes to all of the above.

i know that eventually, ill get into something again.

until that day comes, im going to heal.

quelling the chatter

it was a perfect performance. my son, the violinist, and the other performers were just amazing.

my God, the practices every monday and wednesday from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. are so worth it if they produce this lovely, synchronized harmony.

the sounds enveloped me tonite, and i had a chance to really reflect on what it is that ive tried to silence in order to not have to deal.

i had another heartbreaking parent conference today. the father stormed in looking for his daughters counselor, and guess who it happened to be?

they were causing a scene in the main part of the office, so i called them in my office. they were swearing at each other in spanish and english, and i was kind of scared. i pulled in pri to translate for me and to make sure that i wasnt going to get killed.

it was a tight squeeze. my office is the span of my arms (im 5 feet flat) in width...and in length, its probably 7 feet. i get claustrophobic in there sometimes, and i have to open my door a crack. the only time its closed all the way is if im having a conference (gossiping) with other teachers or meeting (ugh) with parents who are just fucking breaking down from the hell their kids are giving them.

i know im so fortunate to meet these people. they humble me, they make me feel like i need to do more and not only speak of actions, and they break my heart. all at once.

today, there was such pain in the father and in the daughter that i cannot help but tell them both how i relate to their sides of the story. the end result was the beginning: the father is banishing his daughter to mexico. hes doing it for his sanity...and hers. this i fully believe.

i take this brunt force of the lives of others sometimes, the pain of their stories, the struggles of their existences, the fight to keep what they have. im not always prepared to put the walls up so that my heart and mind wont get affected, and when im caught off guard, i feel my senses overloaded.

and i have to sort it out, figure out my role, and why its being presented to me. thats the way i have to make sense of things sometimes. i dont believe many events are random. theres a reason.

one of the things i have to deal with is my behavior in a certain situation that i wont name. i feel so fragile when it comes to my action, as if it isnt me, as if i only witnessed it, as if it perhaps didnt really happen.

but i know what ive done, the consequences of my action shames me, but it doesnt define me. it just makes me more aware of that side of me that ive suppressed.

we all have that dark side, no? the one that struggles to come out? the one that is very cataclysmic and haunting? the one that defines a new course? the one that causes us to reflect, and if we had a soul, the one that causes us remorse?

maybe not all of us have that dark side, but a handful of us do.

the only regret that i have, that ive always had, that will always cause me pain is that the person who has opened up my heart again, who has warmed me enough to let go of the reins, who has given me such a different perspective that has changed the very core of me...i regret that he was hurt.

and i cant ever take away that pain from him.

the reminder of what ive done will plague him forever.

and what i did, that singular act has a face.

and he has to see it.

fuck me.

restless

dammit. im my own worst enemy when it comes to being in limbo. it feels like i havent made a decision, that i let things just happen...or not.

ive become so passive in everything, except at work with my students. sometimes, i have to take control and say, look, youre fucking up, and i dont think you want to. how can i help?

okay, so i dont use the f word. never as an adjective or a verb. never at all. not with my students.

i had a talk with two students who broke my heart. one of them said he started messing up when he stopped talking to his mother. it took me forty minutes to earn his trust so he can tell me why he hates her. he said it was because she cheated on his dad.

the boy was so...sad. and he was so brave in trying to conceal his pain, but sometimes, its best to illuminate that his failing classes was a symptom of his hurt.

he acknowledged it. and i kept talking because i didnt want to deal with my own shit of my father cheating on his wife, on his children.

i guess this whole infidelity keeps me from forming relationships because i dont want to be hurt.

yet, i fucking did it to someone i loved so dearly, and not just to one love, but to another so long ago.

its my self-imposed punishment.

and i hang my head in shame.

counting down the days

until winter break: five days

until the end of mester 4: forty-five days

until the end of the year: six months (but i get march and april off, but i will probably work four weeks of it)

until i finish this masters program: 120 hours and one comp question (this will be done by the end of april)

*****
im going to be positive until june 26th, which is graduation. i dont want to infest my body with negative thoughts or images because its only affecting me.

im always reassured by my teacher friends that the other counselors arent popular, but i should just concentrate on the people who love me: my students and my teachers.

i know this isnt me. i know that these bitter grinches have some kind of high-and-mighty attitudes and think they are separate and better than teachers...and other staff members, like secretaries and custodians. they dont outrightly say it, and it isnt all of them, but its mostly fred and barney (the yeti and the wicked witch)

give me a fucking break. we get paid on the same scale. we are supposedly there for the students. if that is so, then i dont give a flying f, we are all the same.

oh, well.

one of my students who i just adore wrote this for me: they hate us cause they aint us.

my students are so reassuring, so validating, that i know im doing something right. and its by them that i judge my actions.

am i perfect?

no. ive been moody lately because im programming. and when im hungry, just throw me some meat. but most of the time, im pleasant.

god, it sounds like im justifying myself.

im not unhappy because of my job. im unhappy because of the grinches. im toughening up my skin. usually, id be so hurt and crumble.

but this is my motto: kill them with kindness. because when they treat me like shit and people find out about it, i have them in my corner.

besides, this isnt personal. this isnt spotlighting me. they treat everyone the same.

i can walk in there with my dignity and humility. and know that im doing my job.

and to be honest, it isnt that bad. im just so disgusted by this attitude. i thought i escaped the hell of the cesspool, but you know, the assholes are everywhere...

...and they stink.

night, y'all.

plans

1) go to the district on the 27th of december to figure out what the fuck is going on with my paycheck.

2) call plaza de la raza to see if they want me to teach a class.

3) get passports on the 28th.

4) take the train to san diego on the 26th for the day with the boy.

5) get my resume ready so i can get the fuckatta there.

6) get present for gaya and go to elaoc on the 14th.

7) take a photography class at the art center starting on the 14th of january...may be expensive, but so worth it.

8) start up on project again in january.

9) take pictures of the haas family on sunday morning in burbank.

10) clean house, literally and figuratively.

mean one, ugly fred

fred got so pissed off at me today, but im not going to trip. instead, i sit here laughing at how she got so monstrously ugly, as she lectured me.

so, you know what i did? i was so nice to her. i mean...so fucking nice. when i told megbro, she said, god, you know how to stroke her ego.

yeah, i know...its like jacking off a big black cock.

its just so annoying to have to work there. oh, man, and the shrunken head is so undeniably insecure with herself and her abilities.

yjc came over to my office, and i know she was dying. we werent even talking about anything serious. but yjc kept asking, how are you? is everything good? no, seriously, tell me. blah blah blah.

im not used to this type of questioning. usually, if something is wrong, i can just spit it out without mincing words. i have no problems talking about what the hell is going on.

its such a cold winter.

and thats how i like it.

do over

this started out as a whole different post. i was angry, and i was being so negative that it was affecting me physically.

you see, i hate the bitches at my job. for a variety of reasons, but mostly because they are...catty. i walk into the christmas party meeting late partly because i had a student in my office/cage, but mostly because i didnt want to go.

when i open the door, fred glared at me with her evil eyes. know that she was off for a week on vacation somewhere in cabo, i think, and one would expect that she would be rested and at peace. but no. she looked uglier than ever, and i had to really stifle a laugh.

but i got her back. i asked about her vacation, and she was grizzly. she said she had a great time, but being back was so miserable. she tried to leave it at that, but i wouldnt let up. i kept at it until she was nicer, even smiling, and finally laughing.

i had to vent, so i talked to megbro, and she understood. she and i both feel the same about the bitches, but especially about the shrunken head who thinks shes so fucking perfect. i promised myself not to talk or think about her, lest i infest my system with negativity about her.

i then talked to jasv about her escape from poly, and she pretty much confirmed her unhappiness when she was there. she left to go to a better district, but she misses the kids and the parents.

someone asked me once about eight years ago why i dont work on the westside where its better or in another district with better outlook.

the answer is simple: i love this community, this population.

today, a parent came in looking for megbro. i told the parent that megbro was doing a home visit, but i called her, and i was waiting for her to call back.

the parent saw i had plastic bottles and asked me for them. i was saving them for my boy because he recycles, but the parent needed it more than he does. she explained that her husband died from a car accident a year ago this month, and she has been having a hard time with her daughter who ditches school.

i gave her the bottles, and a few moments later, she came back and said that she loved this little christmas tree i had. she asked if she could see it with, so i passed it on to her. she gave it back to me and sat back down in the waiting area.

when she came back to chit chat with me and some of my students who were there, i said, senora, yo quiero darlo a usted, and i handed her the plant.

no, no, she protested.

es mi regalo para usted.

she started to cry. i told her she would appreciate it more than i did. she said she didnt tell me she liked it so i could give it to her. i told her that that was precisely why i gave it to her.

she said that this would be their only tree because she has no husband and four children to support.

and i realized how fortunate i am.

this was such a humbling exchange, and i know that that was the best gift i would give this year.

but i do have an awesome gift for willal. i just dont know how to get it to him since...well, since he hates me.

i love the christmas specials from my childhood.

an addition

this day started out with a massage. i love my masseuse. she hurts me in places where tension is needed to be destressed, and today, that location was on my upper glutes on the right side.

its still a bit sore, and i wish i can have a massage every week, but nah.

so, after this glorious massage, the boy and i went to get our chic hairstyles.

the pitiful rain storm on friday (if it can even be called that) brought snow to the mountains, the bluest of skies, and gorgeous puffy clouds.

i wish i had the inspiration to take pictures. there are lovely trees with falling leaves of yellow and red and orange on huntington drive that warms me everytime i see them, but no matter how hard i try, i cannot seem to capture these autumn images on camera.

i feel so much better about the whole deal from last night. the boy was a pretty face, and as far as im concerned, that was it. so, why bother?

what im looking for is someone who will make me feel again, who will make me want to lose myself in his gaze, who will be the promise of love, who will be the epitome of all i want.

tall orders, i know, and im not willing to settle, so until then...