happy birthday

a year ago, i find the courage to write what is in my head. it starts out with long paragraphs, experimental sentences, dedication to a man ive never seen but was in love with.

now, this blog has found a new home, a more airy space, nicer template. and it is a year old today.

my baby is now ready to make grander leaps.

heres to another year!!!

trick or treat

tonite is exbfs night. he loves loves loves this night, at least thats what my memory serves me. the first halloween he spends here, he wanders the city looking for places open all night because he is a night owl. i send him to a coffee shop on sunset, named - i think - the coffee shop. ive only been there once, and i forget with who, but because of the exbfs fondness for coffee, it is a perfect place.

last night, i go to willals place. when i get there, i am texting roca to tell her how im such a fucked-up flakey friend, so he waits for me outside of my car. there is something about him that melts me which is inexplicable, but sitting here now, remembering his face...

we go up to the loft, and i notice some rearrangement of his furniture. i dont ask, i just assume its because hes gotten bored, or perhaps the little one needed more room to play. i take a seat, and he sits next to me. close. thisclose. but i am tense still, arms crossed to match my legs. i keep my coat on, prompting him to ask, are you going to stay tonite?

of course, i am. i brought a change of clothing for tomorrow.

then relax.

i am. look, my hands are steady.

he doesnt believe me, so we continue to watch kingdom of heaven before we watch weeds.

then he does the most incredible thing. he reaches over, picks up my leg, unzips my boots, pulls it off, takes off my socks, and does it again with my other leg. as he does this, he doesnt speak. he doesnt react. he does it so naturally, i am awed.

he looks at me and smiles and sits back.

my hair smells so good. smell? i ask.

yes. yummmm...you smell good.

but my hair smells really good. i like the freshness.

your whole body smells good.

thank you.

i lean in for a kiss, and the intensity overwhelms us both. i think this surprises us. well, it does me.

he unbuttons my shirt, as he pulls my hips down so my head can rest on the arm of the sofa. he lowers his pants, all the while kissing me. finally, his cock finds its home.

we are looking at each other, no words, just reading eyes, intuiting whether or not it feels good, ensuring that its okay to thrust against each other like this.

he watches me, whispers in my ear, cum, baby.

im cumming right now...

i hold him close as i cum, holding him for stability because i dont know where i am at moments like these.

the rest of the night is moving against each other, holding hands, kissing as we cum together, biting (but not hard enough to be marked this time), thrusting, closeness. intensity. in-ten-si-ty.

later, we lie next to each other, and he tells me, i want you to know that i respect you a lot. ive always respected you from day one.

day one? like my blog?

what?

never mind. thank you.

i would never hurt you. i would never take away your dignity.

okay.

and i think you would never take mine either.

i wouldnt.

i punctuate this with a kiss on his cheek. i dont really know where its coming from. he thinks on sunday, he says, about his life, but i remind him to please not think too hard.

he falls asleep first, and i get up and read his gq magazine. i like it, i find. i like the extravagance, the futility of the pretty boys all dressed up with really nowhere to go. its so...zoolander-esque.

i go back to bed, and i snuggle into his arms. i cant sleep this way, so i turn away from him, but i make sure a part of my body is touching his.

i wake to find him reaching for me to spoon him. i love this. i dont even know if he is cognizant when he does this. but if he does this subconciously, i wonder what it means. ive always loved the idea of reaching for someone in the middle of the night, especially in slumber.

i let the alarm snooze four times before i get up and get ready for the day. i dress for him. i want him to be the first one to see me in a day. i love that he is the last one i talk to at night.

when im finally ready, i go to him to wake him. he is sleeping soundly, and he is startled when i touch his arm. he is hard, of course, and he makes my favorite sounds when i kiss him.

how i love to welcome in the day like this.

the problem with me

well, one of them, anyway, is that i am a jealous person.

in august, willal text messages me: ask anyone whos ever been with a salvadorean man and they will tell you that they are very possessive men and territorial men.

i keep this in the front burner and in the back burner. hes even made statements that he doesnt want to share me, but that hes not ready for a relationship.

heres whats happening right now. he is at a kings game with a vendor. he tells me this after i ask him to meet me for dinner. i am half-kidding, of course, because we dont really do anything outside of his loft, but he says we could meet for a drink.

i havent seen him since thursday. that hasnt been a long time, but hes been free on friday and saturday, and we dont get together. friday because he is tired, and saturday because he admits that hes read my blog.

when i talk to him, i feel so serene. he brings out a calm in me, and i love it.

and if this were to end? id let it. i wont have the energy to fight for it. and that, i know, sucks.

but i cant. i wont. i dont know how.

on saturday, when i think that its over, i find that we cant seem to let go of each other. even when we get off the phone, there is usually a text message that follows.

he messages me just now. there is a bit of the materialistic side to him. i hate that shit. i hate that there is a price for people. it makes me sad.

anyway. i dont know. today is a good day at work. im very grateful for that. ill be even more grateful on thursday, after meeting with people from poly. this could be it.

oh, and my friend looked good today in a burgundy v-neck sweater with a white shirt peeping out. black pants. god, hes terribly good looking. what a curse that hes so insecure. he tells me once that his mother is to blame. i think ive gotten over wanting to fuck him. after all, its been a long time now.

last week, he hands over some really good stuff. i am mighty impressed with it. good good stuff. aint cush, but itll do for now.

making myself at home

he and i send off several text messages today, and it doesnt have the sexual nature as it usually does. this is kind of nice. i like him, and the more i talk with him, the more i get to know him, the more i like him.

im more comfortable now talking about him to others, feeling comfortable that he is becoming a constant to my life. its only been two and a half months ( i ask him how long we had known each other, and this is his response), id be a fool to think that i would give up everything to be with him.

because i dont think i can be that careless anymore. i learn my lesson with the exbf, and i dont need to smell shit to know that it stinks. but i like willal. i love him, in fact. not love that is passionate and raw, but one that is sweet and because of time. we shall see.

a new and improved me?

only time will tell, i guess.

i talk to him today, and i dont know why we dont do it more often. sex gets in the way many times, the need to be against each other, and to just hang on.

i find it easy to open up to him, and i catch myself being honest. this feels so good, until i realize im doing it, then i retreat.

im hurt that he read my other blog, that he lied and said he didnt, but somehow, i forgive him. not completely, but i understand.

what baffles me, though, is that he isnt pissed that ive been hanging out with others. not that he can be because hes the one who said he doesnt want to be in a relationship. but if i found out that HE was seeing others, id run away. he takes careful measures to assure me that he isnt going out with others.

last night, he said, im going to my car, and smoke a cigarette, okay?

okay. but why cant you talk to me while youre smoking.

because im going to try to calm down and relax, and then im going to make a phone call.

okay.

dont worry, it isnt to anyone you think.

who do i think?

you think im going to call some girl, but it isnt that.

okay. you can call whoever you want. so, okay, ill let you go.

the conversation, however, doesnt end, and he doesnt call anyone, and we continue talking for a few more hours. it is nice.

i dont fucking know how to end this. and my question is, do i have to?

i love his hands. i keep going back to that as if there is something different in feature about them. there isnt really, except that they belong to him, and he is what i want. at this moment.

a new day

i had to do it. i had to delete the other blog because it is tainted.

we talk last night, and he admits to reading the old blog. he doesnt understand why i need to take it down.

somethings will have to go unexplained, i guess.

and so, im moving in here now. trying to keep things simple and light because my heart is heavy with sadness and numb with loss.

its a nice title up there, i think. more honest. more real.

i hope my friends in the blog community will feel welcomed here. it will take time for adjustment, but the content and style will be the same so as to not feel the jar that comes with change.

i have higher aspirations now. more dreams. im not afraid anymore of many things, but there are still some fears i have to work through.

im going to recuperate from this man who affected me in such a short time. until then, i wait and heal.

and so it goes

ive kept a handwritten journal since i was in tenth grade in high school. wrote in it every day almost, just to save myself from therapy. i still remember the yellow-spiraled cheap notebook, pages tattered; some lost and forgotten, others stuck by staples or tape. i loved that journal.

through time and multiple moves and mostly disorganization, ive misplaced it. in fact, i dont know where my other journals are, but ive learned that it doesnt matter their location. the fact that they existed with me once upon a time is enough to cary me.

i dont know how to explain how i am when im writing my thoughts. part of me becomes embroiled in the process of writing, how the pen makes love to the paper, how the letters form. another part of me is entranced by my fleeting thoughts, that what i think isnt always static. i change my mind so much, contradict myself, but this is my way of processing and analyzing tiny details in order to see the big picture.

******

i met someone a few months ago. he was by far the most amazing man ive met in a very long time. he was probably the first man ive gotten involved with. many others are boys compared to him.

i guess what separated him from others was that he is a father. he is first a father, and every other role he plays is a distant second. in him, ive found a comrade who understood the demands of one area of my life. and listening to him when he talked to his little boy made me want to be a better parent.

not only a better parent, but a better person. he made me feel like a woman. he brought out my sensuality and creativity. but most of all, he brought out my femininity. it had been so long.

he inspired me to write again. he made all these beautiful words come out from my soul. intensity is the word that ive learned from his essence. everything was intense with him. text messages, kisses, looks, orgasms, love. they were so welcomed.

his love for fashion inspired me to dress and accessorize and buy things i never thought id buy before. if i were to spend the night at his house, i chose the next-days outfit carefully because i dressed for him, even if he saw me in it for only a few moments.

his calmness soothed me. i would always listen to his heart after we had both cum, and i would be amazed by how unchanged the rhythm was. his heart. so fucking big and really beautiful, i would imagine. ive only seen glimpses of it, feelings never directed towards me, but to his boy and to others who were in his life.

he is the tallest man ive ever been with, not in height but in magnitude. when i was with him, i felt elevated to a new level. he described himself as simple, but he is anything but.

and to him, i will always be grateful for how he changed me in such little time. he woke me up from a numbed existence. he made me feel again, and he doctored me to being who i am at this single moment.

and because of him, ive decided to take down this blog. a year ago, i started it to relieve some creative tension, and i became addicted to improving my style and technique and details.

this blog had saved me more times than i can imagine in the same way he saved me from living a desensitized life.

will i write again? of course. i couldnt live without documentation.

will i write here? no. i have to leave this part of me behind now, as i try to work on parts of me that need so much improvement.

my only regret is that i wasnt more forthcoming with him about my feelings, but id never learned how to communicate my rawness in a coherent way. i show bits and pieces, and i leave many confused rather than elated.

i love him. i love his flaws. i love the scars on his heart. i love his mind. i love the magic and mysticism in him. i love him. and my heart breaks because of this love, but i want to feel every little pain of it.

so, im off now to follow a direction that i know will lead me to new people, new loves, new experiences. i look forward to this new adventure, hoping to not look back. but its times like these that i wish i can reach out for his hand to walk with me, but i know that i cant.

he has read this blog. learned of my secrets that ive tried to keep from him. learned of my real life. learned of my inability to commit. learned nothing new, for i sense hes always known me all along.

he knows me. and he accepts me. and this scares me, and i push him away.

i had only one wish. to create an expression between he and his son. i had hoped for the opportunity to document them at play together, to document them interact before the little one fell asleep, to document their bond. all in pictures. i had wanted this for him because i hadnt done it for myself.

and did i mention? i invited him to vegas. thats a stretch for me to leave my familiar surroundings and go off on an adventure with someone new. the thought of it frightened me yet made me wish it were already december.

i write this mostly for him, so that he will understand.

but i also write this for you, so you will know where im going.

and i write this for me, so i will remember where ive been.

halloween weekend

i hate halloween. i hate the week preceeding it, i hate the day of, i hate the day after. i hate it because it reminds me of the exbf. this is his time.

i miss him today when the boy and i go to la fiesta grande. this place is a staple when the three of us were together, but now, the food sucks, and it makes me miss the exbf more.

i miss him, i blurt out to the boy.

hes at a better place now.

i know. so are we, arent we?

yes.

good. because i dont regret the decision to be separate from him.

we order our food, eat it, pay, and head off to my favorite store. a few things turn out to be $85 worth of few things, and then we make our way home.

this is my sanctuary. i have a chance to go out with jp tonite, but i dont. i am supposed to go last night, but when i talk to willal, he asks me if i am going out, and i say no. but thats not why i decide to stay.

i dont go because it was late, and i had to work today. jp is nice. a virgo. good looking. but he isnt willal, so why bother?

willal. ive always told him that when this ends, it wont be because of another. it will be because of me and my hurt. today, i finally accept the truth. and it hurts, but its the truth, and because i know it, i can make a decision.

my decision is now.

no turning back. now.

no weakening. now.

my decision is now.

working through it

love is so short; forgetting is so long.

-pablo neruda

my voice

yesterdays session with sanva is really helpful. im opening up more, saying more, asking for more.

i guess im like my mother in the sense where i dont ask much from others, but i give tremendously. i love this about me, and ive picked up her other traits, both negative and positive, but this one i favor the most.

however, it causes me strife. in relationships, i dont ask because i dont want to be disappointed with an answer i dont want to hear, because i dont want to be a burden to others, because i dont feel worthy enough sometimes.

but im learning now to speak.

im learning to brace myself for the answer when i ask for something.

im learning to engage in dialogue, to be in dialogue, rather than to have had the dialogue in my mind.

that is what i learn from yesterdays session.

i learn to listen to and to love the sound of my voice.

again

i am here, up after midnight, listening to his soft sleep sounds as i type this. i bring my computer tonite to show him some videos on my desktop, but as always when we try to watch some porn, we end up fucking deliciously. i dont know why we think its going to bring excitement to our sex when all it does is go wasted.

he and i have some magical chemistry that i just need at this point in my life. i need his softness, his scent, his warmth around me. i hate being apart from him, but i know if i were to spend every day with him, this would be over.

ive realized that i need to go extra slow with this one. im going to let him set the pace. hes a bit more free now about his divorce and about his son. he refers to his boy by name tonite, whereas before, it was just the generic term for a male child.

and so although i find myself in a different type of relationship, im going to work through this one. im going to stand still because he does it for me.

i dont want us to find anyone else at the moment. i suppose, when the time is right, we will have to let go, but for now, i want to be here with him.

again.

much ado

in class, valwa apologizes to me because of a statement she made last week. it wasnt so much a statement, she said, but she felt like she put me on the spot. the issue had come and gone, and id forgotten about it. to me, it had been nothing more than investigation about my feelings, but i know for her, because she is sensitive to me, it was aberrant.

you see, last summer 2005, we have a class that included group therapy. i have trouble, then (not a big surprise), about sharing my feelings. when the cohort takes turns crying or really feeling deep pain, i sit there with some really good advice. well, i think so, anyway. valwa and the rest of the cohort are frustrated with me because i dont join. this keeps the group from progressing to the next level.

but i dont work that way. i cant just reveal myself. im a fairly open person, but when i am cornered against the wall about my feelings, then i revert to the fight or flight. and this is just not pretty. because i stay to fight, but i am also ready to flee. its kind of crazy to watch me, i imagine. if i had an out of body experience, i might want it during one of my episodes, but i have a good idea of how i look.

im tired last night after class. i think its the herbs from the night before, the good shit that my friend gives me. or perhaps the long 14-hour day. whatever the culprit to my fatigue is, it is also the malefactor to my little spat with willal.

sometimes, i know when things are going to happen. when my phone rings or when i get a text message, sometimes, i just know who it is going to be. when i feel restless inside, when the butterflies are really free in my stomach, i know what is wrong.

psychic? psycho.

i jest. i have a strong sense of intuition sometimes, and especially with those i hold dear around me. im scared of this blessing and curse because i fear that something will happen to my son or one of my family members, and i wont ever recover from it. but im stronger now, and the more i quiet myself, the stronger this gets. i wish i had the ability to do something good with it.

last night, willal and i exchange several sweet text messages, and then, i feel it. i feel that this is going to go bad in a few moments. and guess what? it does.

self-fulfilling prophecy? i dont know. and in that instance, i should have stoppped the communication, but i just couldnt. i had to test the theory.

ten minutes

its all i have to try to let some thoughts escape.

first, im bored with my life right now, but i know this is momentary. i know i can change things, make something happen, but i dont. i havent taken the opportunity.

second, i miss my exbf because carfi reminds me of him. carfi also reminds me that all men are dogs, which is why i am lessening the communication between me and willal.

third, i have a session tomorrow. i get anxious days before, as if im supposed to have done something. sanva is against homework for me. she feels i should live in this stage for awhile. the stage where i just be.

fourth, i take some hits of the herbs that my friend gives me. it is really strong, and i felt somewhat dizzy last night. but i had a good rest.

fifth, i just got a call from polytechnic high school saying that they just got more money to hire a counselor, and one of the women on the panel is highly interested in working with me. i go in next thursday to "talk" to them. nothing formal, the caller says, because i had the inteview already. fuck, where does this leave me now? money wise, i mean.

sixth, i need to spend time with my boy. he is precious to me. he is so amazingly sweet and moody and handsome.

seventh, i feel like shit right now. i feel a lot of tension on my shoulders. i feel like vomitting the fucking lunch carfi picks up for us. im a little lightheaded. and i hope that i dont have a heart attack. ive been taking my meds for hypertension, so i hope ill be okay in class tonite.

eigth, if i get offered this position, im going to take it. its going to fuck up my master plan of not working on fridays, but i think because its a track school, it will be better. i want to have a big chunk of time off, and i know i can still work on saturdays for extra money. do i really need the extra money? i dont know. yes, hell yes, i do.

ninth, i want to meet him now. i want to meet my soulmate. im serious. but i know i probably wont recognize him if he bumped into me. im so slow that way.

tenth, i have been less stressful lately. wanna know the secret?

the sweetest goodbye

i go there last night in an effort to end this now peacefully and gracefully. i can do it, ive said my goodbyes a thousand times before even if it is only to myself and the wind.

and so it is when i get there, that he meets me downstairs and says hello. i feel myself steel against his smile and his natural charm. but i have a mission to do, and i cant back down.

we get to his loft, and i put the chinese food i brought for him down on the counter. he pulls me in to say hello, and i let him kiss me before i talk.

do you recognize this outfit? its the same one i wore the first night we met, i start.

it is? he looks me up and down, and finally recognition. it is!

and i hope you like dinner and the beer. its our farewell dinner.

our farewell dinner? why is it a farewell?

because you told me to see other guys. why would you say such a thing? why would you say that?

because if you asked me to do such i thing, i wouldnt be able to.

ive never asked you to not see other people. its always been understood that we were free to make choices.

we are.

well, im done with this.

you are, huh?

yes.

well, let me explain.

no, let me finish because i want to be able to get through this.

i go down my list of why i dont want to see him anymore, and he tries to defend himself, but that isnt what i want. that isnt what all this is about.

theres a line from shopgirl that mirabelle delivers that sticks with me. she says to ray porter, i can hurt now or i can hurt later. now, i guess.

i, too, choose now. theres a million reasons why not, but a million and one why to end this. if it means reading the last chapter while im still on the first one to find out what is the fate of this, then thats what ive done.

he looks pained, terrible. he closes his eyes and rests his head on my shoulders and breathes me in. he looks up to smooth my hair, and he kisses my cheek and my forehead. odd, hes never done that before. he usually goes straight for my lips.

we stand there for what seems longer than 40 minutes before we untangle ourselves from our hugs and kisses, and he leads me to the couch. he pulls me over him, and he tells me, let me hold you. lie on me just like this.

i lie on him. when i am next to him, i cannot help but kiss him, lick him, send tiny bites on his skin. im unable to resist tasting any part of his exposed skin, and i know that i will not kiss someone like this for a very long time. when i tire of this position, i ask him to lie on top of me, to feel all of his weight on me and his skin against mine.

we move to the bed, and i begin to disrobe. he is, however, a bit pensive, and he stays clothed. we lie next to each other, and when i try to kiss him, he doesnt play.

hey, whats going on? i ask.

nothing. i want you to remember me like this. being sweet, holding you, kissing you.

what the hell with all this melodrama? kiss me.

i want you to remember me this way.

do you think i can forget you? youve taught me a lot. i cant replace you just like that. i wont. i have no reason to. and i want you to know that this didnt end because of someone else. its because of me and my hurt.

tell me about your hurt.

no.

listen, you are wonderful, and i want you to know...

stop.

no, its my turn.

stop. dont you know? when i dont believe that about myself, i wont believe what you are saying. your words are lost to me. dont you fucking know?

come here. its okay.

i let him hold me, and i feel the heat of forming tears, and soon, they begin to flow. he will feel them on his shirt, on his exposed shoulder, on his hands that he brings to my face. i push away, and i jump up and move to the couch.

whats the matter?

nothing, i lie. its getting late.

so?

so, its late, and we have to get up early in the morning.

come back to bed.

no, i should go.

no, come here.

i have to go...

at least spend this last night with me.

i go to him again, and i let him hold me. i pull him close to me, holding him harder than ever, feeling his breath on me. and when he turns me on my stomach, i raise my ass to meet his cock. he enters me easily. i had been wet for some time, and its been a long time. two days is a long time.

he fucks me gently, and as he does, he leans down and bites me on my back. i cry, out of sheer sadness and passion. his excitement is transfered between his cock and his teeth. he kisses and bites me at the same time, and the pain is welcomed.

he turns me on my back, and climbs on me and fucks me harder. i pull my legs on his shoulder, and he reaches for my ass and lifts it to get in deeper. soon, he is cumming. we are both spent. tired. released.

uncertain.

once upon a time

when i am nineteen, i allow a weird girl named max to drag me to a ballroom dancing class they have on campus. i tell her i am not interested, but she asks me to go, and her enthusiasm makes me agree.

we girls stand on the outer circle, and the boys stand on the inside and they rotate after every song. there are some cute ones, i remember, but no one worth remembering.

when the class is over, i tell her that i am leaving, but she tells me she wants to do the next class, too. i am so pissed and hungry, and i tell her im leaving, but she asks me to stay. so i do. again. and this time, it isnt her fault. its mine because i dont have the energy to explain that i am hungry and the energy to walk home.

the next class starts. she is awkward, this girl, as she takes on partner after partner. then one catches my eyes.

he has all the features i find so delicious: dark hair, light skin, dark eyes. he is good-looking, not too tall, not too short, average build. and the way he moves that hour is just fucking good. so, i take action.

i borrow a piece of paper and a pen, and i write: ive been watching you as you move. you are such a graceful dancer. are you graceful in other ways, too? maria 619.***.****.

at the end of class, i go to him to give the note, planning on just walking away. instead, he grabs my hand and leads me outside. he opens the paper, and he reads it out loud as he is still holding my hand. you can imagine, at this point, i almost pass out.

what other ways do you mean, maria? his accent makes me swoon, and the way he says my name delivers me from everything in my past.

uh...i dont know. this is why i ask.

oh, well, before this goes on, i think you should know.

youre married.

yes, but it isnt that. im leaving at the end of august to go back to germany. im here on a fellowship, and it ends then.

okay.

i just wanted to let you know that our time would be limited.

we make the courtesy small talk, and we hug goodbye. he calls me the next night, and i initiate the issue of his wife. he tells me that she is in germany, that they have been married for three years, but theyve known each other longer.

i ask if he goes out with others when he is away from her, and he says no. he says that he has opportunities, and every once in a while, he goes out to dinner, but never anything more. they want too much, he explains. he says he doesnt tell her of others because there isnt much to tell.

besides, he ventures, we are european, and she would understand.

he asks me out for dinner the next night, and i think about how its summer, and this should be light, and there isnt reason to say no. so i accept.

he picks me up at my front door, and he comes in and asks to see the apartment. its not heavily furnished. we had just moved in, my roommate and i, so we have limited acquisitions. he pauses when i take him to my bedroom, but he doesnt come in.

we leave then to a pizza place where the red-haired boy and his brother go to dinner once. its a light place, menu full of salad and pizza for the health conscious. we sit outside, and the conversation flows.

hes 29. hes a doctor of pharmacy, and hes doing pharmaceutical research here at ucsd. hes fluent in german, and he learns english from living at the english-speaking countries in europe. he doesnt have children, and he doesnt want any, but his wife pushes.

i am nervous to be around him right now. he is so accomplished, while im taking just 8 units this summer. hes an older man, and his accent is to die for. he is refined in his manner, yet easy going and flirtatious. there is a sexiness about him, and i wonder if hes going to hit on me. he doesnt seem interested.

i glance around the restaurant, and i stop at a table four away to see the red-haired boys brother and his girlfriend and some friends. they look at me, smile, and wave. fuck. the red-haired boy who is in home in san berdu for the summer will surely know about this.

i rush the doctor, but he takes his time. he orders coffee, and he thinks its funny to sit under the scrutiny of who couldve been my brother in law. he whispers to me, im going to teach you all about patience tonite.

mercifully, he finishes and pays for the check, and i say good bye to the group four tables away.

the doctor asks me where to next, and i tell him, the beach, of course.

which one?

your choice. but i want to walk in the moonlight. isnt that so romantic? i could throw up.

he takes me to a private area where the oceanview houses are separated from the sand by a wide concrete walkway. we park in a secluded street, and we make our way to the sidewalk. as we stroll, he flirts with me, and i with him, and we make insinuations, and then he stops suddenly and sits on a rock bench.

whats the matter? i ask.

nothing.

nothing? you seem so far away all of a sudden.

something just hit me right now as we were walking.

hhhhmmm... maybe we should call it a night.

i was thinking how much i miss my wife.

ah, yes. right. well, then we should definitely call it a night.

im thinking of her, but i only want you so damned much right now, i cant even think. i just want to be with you.

you miss her, so you need to replace her? hhhmmm...

it isnt that. its not that at all. come here.

i go to him. i fucking go to him, even though its against my better judgement. i go to him, even though im sure hes seduced others before, perhaps here even at this campus. i go to him, even though i know it isnt going to end with us in our own beds.

he takes me in his arms, and he holds me for a long time. just holding me, resting his head on my shoulders, smelling my hair, his arms around my waist, just holding me tightly.

when we break, he leads me back to his car. no conversation. he opens the door for me, and before i go in, he kisses me. its the kind of kiss little girls like me only dream about from a potential older lover.

he tells me we are going back to my place, and i say no.

why not?

because my best friend is also my roommate, and i dont want him to know you are there. lets just go back to your place.

no.

why not? you live alone. there wont be a rush to get up early and avoid anyone.

no.

why not?

because i will not desecrate the place where my wife and i make love.

but you will fuck me with the thing you use to make love to your wife?

he takes me back to my place, silent the whole drive there, this question still lingering in the air. he parks the car, and he turns off the engine and faces me.

look...

no, dont say anything. that was a wrong thing to say.

listen to me...

please. lets just go up before i change my mind.

he leads me to my front door, holding my hand, and when i unlock the door, he holds me from behind. we go to my room, and i grab blankets and pillows. i lead him to the third bedroom that will be empty for another week.

why here?

because i will not desecrate the place where i sleep.

he creates a makeshift bed, and he undresses me slowly and carefully. i let him take the lead, and when he lays me down and brings his face close to mine, i say to him, teach me everything.

im ready now



i need to get back.

i knew it

he reads my blog.

my curse and my blessing is my intuition.

its never failed me.

dammit.

on a sunday morning

things should be easy this week. nothing pressing except for my appointment with sanva on thursday. im looking forward to that.

i have to make it to the gym this week at least three times. and im going to make it count those three times. i need to do cardio, maybe push it more this time to 45 minutes. im getting better, so im going to try. hell, there is no try. im just going to do. then im going to do more with the weights. i think ill go later after church.

ive gotten sleep last night. i dont do much yesterday after lunch. the boy and i just stayed in and lounged. he upstairs in his room, playing video games and watching movies. i here in the living room and dining room; alternating between sitting down in front of the computer and lying down in front of the tv. this is what i miss.

i need to do this sometimes. to stay home and not be around others energies. july doesnt call me, so i dont feel pressured to come up with an excuse why i cant see him. i know the only other person i want to be with besides the boy is the man. and he is busy with his boy.

he is awesome as a father. it isnt what he does for the boy that astounds me, its how he is. this man has such a beautiful essence that he simply cannot see, but its because he refuses to acknowledge it. im not privy to his past...at least not yet...but he has hurt someone (possibly his ex or others) so he thinks hes a shit.

i can relate. i am really gunshy about getting into an intimate thing because of the exbf, how i am unable to return that kind of love and how it hurt him and almost destroyed him. but we all have our choices. that is what this man is slowly teaching me. he is teaching me control.

control and patience. im strong-willed but misguided before, and now, im coming into my own. ive always had the power to choose, but i always choose unwisely. until now. and that may be because of wisdom or because of willal. whatever it may be, i feel at peace with it.

the only place i do not have control is on his bed. its been very intense lately, and once, i thought i was going to blurt out the dreaded "l" word after we both came. not that i "l" him, not at all. its too soon for that, and he isnt someone i would fuck with like that. but i do like him immensely.

but i control that, too. i control my emotions. and it releases in other ways. all-consuming orgasms. adventurous experiences. well, to some, they may not be all that adventurous, but it pushes me out of my comfort zone in bed.

and it is not at all scary. with him, its so enlightening. never dirty or solicited, always respectful and welcoming.

i send him a post once, and i accidentally leave the link to my blog on it. ive asked him never to read my online journal because he wouldnt understand the context of it. hes denied he has read it, but i dont know. a nagging feeling tells me he has.

see, he has an image of me, and it is a positive one. i dont really deserve it, but i want to work to his standard. he pushes me to be the best, only through his example. i know he isnt perfect, that he has issues (some major ones, i learn), and so do i. this could make a potentially dangerous situation.

and there are kids to protect. but most of all, what is most fragile in this, what he and i must protect are our hearts. he protects mine, and i his. and yet, as we take responsibility for each others well being, we both have to protect our own.

he thinks im going to end this at any time.

he tells me on friday night, just say it. whatever is on your mind, just say. i can take whatever you have to say.

what i have to say? i have too many things to reveal, and well, i dont know how to go about it in a logical, clear way so i hesitate. and he thinks my hesitation is because im trying to keep from hurting him.

we are getting closer. getting to a point that i think neither of us thought we would be. and im a bit spooked. he isnt ready for a relationship, and i am not anywhere near it myself, but i always wonder what it is that makes us come together?

he tells me that there is never pressure to have sex. in fact, i initiate it because he respects me and my moods. he holds back until im ready or i give him a clear signal.

and when i say no to something, its understood that it will remain a no until im ready to say yes. this has always been the case in my sexual relationships. well, sometimes, i like to play the "oh, no, id never..." game to see if my lover has any bite, and when he shows he does, it excites me to infinity.

but willal and i? we end up fucking hard and raw and passionately but with that sprinkle of care and respect and a bit of sugar. this is what keeps me coming back.

is it still just fucking? thats how it started out, but now, im not so sure. its kind of mind-numbing to think about, so im not going to.

but ill answer it simply before i go. hes absolutely an amazing man. when a bit of him crosses my mind, i have to stop. have to take a breath. and ive never done that before.

its not just fucking. but its not ripe enough yet to be anything more.

i have a secret

im falling. im falling for this man who surprises me. im in love with his story, with his hands, with his beautiful soul.

im in love with his mind, with his issues, with the things that should keep me away but draws me near.

i know that things wont be easy, but they will be good, and i need that.

others exist, others for him and for me, but he is the one.

he is the one.

and this scares the living hell out of me.

God, help me.

practice practice practice

i get my pictures developed just now, and i realize i need to take a picture a day. without fail. i must do this because it seems my shots suck.

the getty is a perfect place to take good pictures, and i take only a few good ones. when i go to san francisco for thanksgiving, i need to be inspired.

and speaking of practice, i talk to this boy tonite. i meet him a year ago, and he seems a bit cocky and hyper. i see him again last monday, and now, hes more subdued. i like that. i like that a lot.

he is a young dad, and i love how he takes the whole thing seriously. his little girl is so cute. and this boy is very religious. this turns me on. not that hes a good boy, but he is spiritual.

ah, this boy. we are going to get coffee next week, i hope, to talk and hang out. i want elaro to go.

i need to stop this shit with all boys and go back to my natural way of being.

ive lost my touch, lost my inner focus as ive spent time with willal. i hate this.

im not going to make this ending longer than necessary. its done, and im done, and i have to stop this shit.

why dont i learn my lesson?

im feeling crappy because ive lost my focus. im all over the place, and ive neglected a part of myself that i need to get in touch with again. i want to hang out with people again. i want to meet new people. im so fucking bored with everything today.

so, here i go again. im going to go out and have fun. on a friday night. im open to new people, new things.

i want my architect who is going to design and build our house. i want the man who is going to define love and allow me to live in it everyday. thats what im waiting for. where is he? its a friday night. we should be together.

im ready now. ive said this before, but im ready now to meet someone. its no one ive met before, no one ive spoken with before. he is still out there, undiscovered, waiting for me.

in which i need to be alone

i dont know what is wrong with me today.

its lovely to go to the getty earlier and get some shots, and in a few moments, im going to costco to get them developed.

i feel like there is something going on with me, but i dont quite know what it is. i feel restless again, feel like i want to leave and fly and just go.

im getting bored. im getting bored with willal, getting bored with the routineness of it all. im going out later with elaro, and im going to have a great time. and by great time, im going to just have fun.

tomorrow, im supposed to meet july, but we shall see. no, i want to meet him. its time. ive put it off long enough, and hes not going to allow this to continue with just text messaging and such.

im going to meet him, and if things go well, we are going to do the things weve talked about. not everything, but many things.

and i know that this is going to put things with willal in a potentially precarious position, but i dont care. i cant do it anymore. i think this will be good for me.

ive been trying to end this, and i think its time. its time now to just put things on the shelf. if i am entertaining seeing d again, then what the hell am i doing with willal?

im not doing anything. not anymore. ive pretty much finished. im going to make room again.

okay. im going to go develop my film now. then im going to put gas in the car. after, im going to come home and get ready to go out with elaro.

this is a good thing. as soon as i typed it, a smile formed.

a very good thing.

in which it doesnt happen again because of me

i have forgotten what d looks like. ive forgotten how his hands felt on my breasts, my ass, my hair. forgotten how his kisses found their way from my lips to my nipples to my clit. forgotten how my aural senses swallow his voice, his laugh, his sounds of satisfaction.

i cant recall how nervous i am the first time i see him, the first time i smell him, the first time he bites me. dont remember how i come all over his cock, his fingers, his tongue. wonder if i can remember how good the fuck is, how tempting it is to climb on top of him and ride him, how delicious it is to have him cum on my inner thighs.

memories of d are replaced now by memories of willal.

and while i crave d, crave that fabulously wonderful essence of his, i cant make myself go.

the emails we exchange? thats how hot it is going to be. ive cancelled on him twice now, and it feels as if im being pulled away from any temptation because im so drawn to willal.

this is not how i expect it to be. im not really complaining because the sex is good with him, but im getting somewhat bored. someone always catches my eyes, and if i am so inclined, i seem to pursue a conversation - or worse - an action, but that hasnt happened in awhile. i dont want it to really. not yet. if it were to happen, id need some time to cleanse my spirit, my body, and my mind of him.

today is interesting. i am propositioned by balhi, and i pretend i dont know what the hell he is talking about. its happened before, blatantly, flirtatiously, surreptitiously, its happened, but this time, i think he really means it.

the thing about guys around here is that they are really horny. wait, wait ,wait...i know, i know, i know. all guys are horny. all of the time. given a chance, theyd probably fuck an unplugged pencil sharpener if the holes were big enough, but my belief stands firm that there are some souls out there who wouldnt.

i havent met many who didnt tend towards the gay side (november), but still. sex is sex. men are sexual creatures. we all are. hell, if i had my way, id be sexing it up with different guys all the time. not that im a whore, nor could i ever be one because the germaphobe who resides in me will eventually rear its beautiful head. but monogamy and i? hhhhmmm...thats an interesting issue to explore.

why cant i just want one person and stick to that person? oh, but i will once i meet him. i know hes out there, and i wonder all the time what he is doing so far away from me.

the beauty inside

expose me to myself. reflect what is inside of me. gently pull out words, feelings, actions that are buried deep within my soul. touch me here, in my core, where no man has gone. feel me against your naked heart. move me so that my tears sting with every drop. make me ache for your breath in my hair. kiss the insides of my wrist as the blood rushes against your lips.

if you do this, if you do what no one has done before, if you listen to my request, if you have the courage and ambition to stand in front of me without your shield, without your armor, then i will belong to only you.






this is to no one in particular. no one ive met. no one im with.

but i have hope that soon, my pretty, soon he will come, and he will be the mirror to the beauty inside.

in which temptation abounds

my favorite prayer is the Lords prayer.

my favorite line is lead us not into temptation.

let me introduce to you my temptation.

m,

yes, i know how you feel about 3-somes.....i have had a 3-some twice in my life, and they were 2 of the hottest times i have ever had.

but yes, i bought you a couple small toys....on of which is so i can pump your pussy with my cock, and the other can gently fill your wonderful ass. i may have to bind your hands a little, so i can totally have my way with you. i want to watch you squirm, shake, shudder, and feel you release you wetness all over my cock, just before i slip it out of your pussy and fill your mouth with mine and your tastes....and still pumping your ass.

i will be back around the 30th.

but if you have a late night craving tonight or tomorrow night, let me know. my schedule is filling up fast, but i can always try to find time to suck on your hot pussy lips.

good luck on your midterm.

and sometime today, pinch you nipples a couple times for me.

d


to which i respond...

darling,

whenever i read your words, i have to look around to make sure no one else is watching me as i turn red and squirm in my seat for a bit of friction against my clit.

i think tomorrow, thursday, might be a better time, but you know how things pop up unexpectedly. things that need tending, things that fill up the moments of my day reserved for what should be a beautiful time with my lovely greek friend.

id love to have a threesome with you, pet. i want to masturbate while i watch you fuck her, and when im done pleasing myself, id love to join you both and have her do things to me while you watch. id love to inhibit your sense of sight so you would have to rely on sound and touch as you wonder what is next. can you arrange this, love?

make sure you have lube for us so that you can slip your hot cock into my ass while my legs rest on your shoulders and i use the toy on my clit. imagine it, d, how beautiful that is to see.

i am wet now, and the bell hasnt rung. oh, well, some say i look better when im flushed.

kisses all over your wonderful body.

i cant wait to taste your tongue, your cock, and your ass.

m.

i want him again, despite any promises i may have made. ive been thinking about things last night, and that is dangerous.

i want d, i want him with all the sex in me.

in which it is time to face it

the truth is always best, even though it hurts like hell. the truth serves as my guide, my protector, my pain.

you see, i vascillate to and fro about him, and im sick of it.

i need a break.

this is the truth.

in which he buys me a toy

sugar,

please dont think i forgot about you.

i was pretty sick, and then work really kicked in. on top of that, i am leaving for a week on friday.

i think of sinking my cock deep inside you often....i even bought you a little toy to use with/on you. i dont know what your schedule is like, but if you felt like swinging by late tonight or tomorrow night (10pm or so), i would love to nibble on your moist lower lips and spill my hot fluids deep deep inside you (with a condom of course) or even better still, to hold your lovely head and mouth against the base of my cock and have you hold my dick in your mouth until it gets soft.....

i have to run, meetings at 5 and 7.....if you are free, email me and hopefully we can get sweaty for an hour or two at 10 tonight.

hope you are feeling well, hope to feel your pussy between my lips soon.

d

my reply:

pet,

i have a fucking midterm tomorrow, so i have to study tonite. im sorry, my dear sweet love, but we will have to wait until you return from your trip.

however, i am curious about the toy. have i ever told you that i hate threesomes? but a toy is a perfect substitute for the third party.

while i have you in my mouth, i will stick our new friend in me, and then when i cum, you will lick my juices off of it.

i crave you, darling. you must know that i want your cock, your body, your mind to surround me. i feel weak now, thinking about how your whole body covered me as you entered me from behind. i loved feeling your sweat against my skin, feeling your heart beating on my back, your breath on my hair.

god, it makes me hungry just thinking about you again and again.

i hate that you are busy and making time for me seems more of a chore than a pleasure, but i have faith in you, that you will do what you need to to bring us together again. naked in each others arms, breathing the same air, and talking about life.

this is what i need now, but i have to get back to the books. after tomorrow night, i will be free.

where are you going, pet? off on a little vacation? you deserve it, but i know that you will be back, and i will be waiting.

yours,
m.

casper

i am nineteen or twenty, and he is twenty-two or twenty-three. something about his easiness and the way his voice is that night make me agree to an early early early morning breakfast date.

im not concerned then about the way i look at such an early hour. it isnt because i dont care; its because i am so tired from our all-night conversation. when he picks me up at the front of the dorm, i jump in and greet him with a friendly hello.

he is cute, i remember. blond hair, blue eyes. common. my type. then. now its a bit different.

we drive to an ihop, and i see our plates of half-eaten pancakes and scrambled eggs clearly still. i am coy and shy at the same time, and i laugh at myself because nothing has changed. im still that way when i used to go out on dates.

he drives me back to my dorm after three or so hours, and as i am getting out of the car, he tells me that he wants to take me out the next night, and i accept the invitation. i skip classes that day so i can sleep, but sleep eludes me because im replaying breakfast in so many different ways.

that night, i get ready, and he comes up and knocks on my door. he stands there, and i am awed by how tall he is. his blond hair is long and flips where it meets his shoulders. he smiles at me, and i rush to finish.

we walk to his car, and he opens the door for me. this is only the second date ive been on, and i feel self-conscious, but i vow to make the most of the situation.

he parks on the street in front of the restaurant at old sac, and he opens the car door for me. he extends his hand, and he helps me out.

the type of restaurant and the conversation escape me now, but the first kiss remain in my memory. we pass by the brick buildings, and he takes me at the door jamb and kisses me. slowly. gently. and he releases me.

i am a child to his man, and im inexperienced at dating men. sure, ive had lovers, but they are all boys. they were as clumsy and as awkward as i was feeling that moment.

he kisses me again, and this time, he doesnt stop. he finds my tongue, but his kisses remain sweet. not at all hungry or pushy, but so sweet and lovely.

it gets late, so we walk back to the car, and we talk. he plays billy joels song and so it goes on the radio, and it has been one of my favorites since.

its inevitable what happens next. our chemistry that night is so perfect that there was no way we would not consume each other.

he makes love to me the way he kisses me. slow. relaxed. lovely. sweet. and when i cum, he does it again the same way. he tells me he loves me (and that is the last time i fall for that line while naked), and i melt.

damn, it feels good to be with this man who is between my legs and probing me delicately and gently. time doesnt exist, and i watch the shadows as my timekeepers. we make love that night twice, and the last time is breathtaking.

he tells me the next day that he will be leaving for training in colorado for six weeks, but he wants to see me during thanksgiving vacation. it is only a four-week wait, he tells me, and i want you to be with me. will you be with me?

yes. i cant wait.

you know, i know that there are better guys out there for you.

what?

come on, youre in college. i just have a high school diploma. youre smarter than i will ever be.

what?

youre so sweet. you should be with someone your same level.

he kisses me. im confused. i havent thought about or looked at others since ive met him, and hes pushing me to other guys? all because of school?

he leaves the next day, but not before he makes love to me and kisses me and tells me he loves me. i havent said it yet, but i know i will.

i walk around in a daze that someone this perfect comes into my life suddenly and leaves the same way. i cannot concentrate on school, on friends, on homework. i cannot think until i hear his voice.

on the third day of him being gone, he calls me at 7:30 at night.

hey, how are you? he asks me.

im well. tired. missing you so much. how are you?

same as you.

i wish i were with you. i miss you.

you know, ive been thinking.

oh?

yeah.

oh, i told my mom that i wont be coming home for thanksgiving. i told her id be in colorado.

what did she say?

she says she knew something was going on with me. dont ask me how, but she knew.

so, listen, ive been thinking.

yeah?

im not good for you. you need someone with more education. someone who is on your level. youre so smart, and you shouldnt be with me.

what? where is this coming from?

you know. i just think a lot sometimes.

i dont care if you dont have a degree. its a fucking piece of paper. i have to go to school. i dont have a choice.

but you have a choice about me. dont wait for me. find someone better.

no.

yeah, baby. you need to be with someone else.

i dont want anyone else.

youre beautiful. im sure you have guys wanting you all the time. you just dont see it because youre too busy with me.

fuck all other guys. i dont want them.

but they want you.

how do you know?

because i saw it when we were together.

look, i dont give a damn about anyone else. please dont do this.

i have to go. i love you. dont forget that. im doing this because i love you.

me too.

say it.

i cant. im not ready.

i love you, maria. i really love you.

those are his last words to me.

and you know, the funny thing is, i dont give my heart so carelessly anymore. painful lessons have made me be more watchful and fearful of men/boys that ive become overprotective.

but there is one now. he places me on a level i do not belong. i am just me, living my life as best as i can, doing with what i have while hoping for more, trying hard to hide my flaws, but failing miserably.

this one now amazes me with his intelligence that is not learned but is natural. when i am around him, i am at peace with myself. and it scares me. this one makes me believe that fear is nothing that i cant control.

he doesnt know what it is about him that moves me so. i cant form the words, so i try to communicate it to him with my kisses and my touch and my eyes, but i have to wonder is it enough?

i am magnetized by his presence, and his voice can make me cum and forget who i am. when he touches me, he finds my pulse and my core. i am hungry to know him, to take him apart and find out what makes him so resilient against my feminine wiles. i want him to be closer to me, but even when he is in me, he is still too far away.

i want to know his story, and i want him to know mine. i want to know his secrets, and i want for him to discover mine. i want to know his heart, and open mine to him.

but he doesnt know this. when i tell him how i admire and adore him, he doesnt believe me.

and nothing cuts me sharper than this realization. and nothing can soothe my hurt, except for his trust. this, i know, will have to be earned perhaps in years or by deeds or by quiet persistence.

i promise not to hurt him. i promise to be loyal. i promise to give him time and his space as he needs them. i promise to care for him until the time comes for me to let go.

and i will let go. i wont hold him back when he is ready to soar. because i know he would do the same for me when i am ready.

in which my memory serves me

at my last therapy session, i ask if i can take notes because i seem to forget all the things i want to work on. sanva tells me that i can, but isnt it more interesting the things i remember than the ones i forget?

this insight guides me now. i know that important things stick, and they are what move me to make choices, good or bad.

last night is really incredibly tough. tougher than i give it credit for, and i think it surprises both of us. endings for me are fabulously difficult to swallow because i feel some sort of failure at something, but mostly it is because of the change that inevitably follows.

im not afraid of changes. ive learned the truth of that old cliche of doors opening and closing. i dont necessarily like it or immediately see the benefits of changes, but i know that they serve a purpose.

because saying good bye means making room. it means the end of the lesson. it means possibilities. it means growth. and this is why im not so much opposed to closing doors, but it still stings a little.

these are my words from last night:
yes, ive had it with this. you will never trust me, and i work hard for something that is so elusive.

it doesnt matter when we end it because whether it is tomorrow or in two weeks or in three months, fact of the matter is that the outcome will be the same.

youre right. absolutely right.

im not trying to change your mind.

i wont change.

his words:
you said it yourself that this is just fucking, but im over that now. i need something more.

you are full of surprises, and im sure you hear that alot.

im wrong.

i will end up alone with my dog.

we both know that it takes compromise to be in a relationship.

its saturday night, and here i am alone in a loft.

i wont change.

he is this wonderful person, and i will surely miss his warmth and the little ways he makes me weak. he underestimated his weight in my life, and he will never know how much he has changed me for the best

in which ive had it

misunderstandings galore.

it would have ended the same way today, next week, or in two months.

why prolong it?

funny, im not even sad or hurt.

all endings should be this smooth.

but if they were, why would it be an ending?

because no matter what, this is how it will always be.

in which i learn his hurt

im cold.

its always colder inside my place because the ceilings are so tall. this is great in the summer, but in the winter, forget it.

i dont turn on the heater or the air conditioner. i hate them on at home, but in my car and in my classroom, i dont.

johnny cashs rendition of nine inch nails hurt is playing right now. i play it as i remember how willal tells me he dedicates it to his ex when they first divorce.

funny thing is that exbf used to sing this to me. exbf has the best voice when he sings about hurt and pain and confusion and emotions. i miss this sometimes when songs come on the radio, songs he sang to me.

i miss the exbf alot lately. i dont know why. im not consciously thinking of him, not trying to remember him at all, not feeling especially in need of him. but there are times when i am driving or thinking or lying down, and i will feel him. feel his presence. feel his breath against my cheek. and this disturbs me because when i someone comes into my mind, s/he will inevitably contact me.

i dont want to. im trying to let the hurt scar over, and its taking longer. spending time with willal reminds me of how much ive suppressed the need for a man to touch me. but it isnt him i want to be with.

i will say this again and again. he is an amazing person. last night, when i hear the interaction between him and his boy, i almost melt. he is so damned sweet and strong, yet gentle and fatherly. he has such highly perceptive senses, and it scares me.

but we are not going to be spending the rest of our lives together. he is not ready, not willing, blah blah blah. i repeat this to myself so i will remember. i need to remember because if i dont, i will push the boundaries.

im so grateful that he is honest with me about this. because i am honest, too, about not wanting anything serious.

in which going out on a friday night is oddly fun

its been awhile, you see, since ive been social on a friday night. usually, youd find me home or with willal, and i like it like that.

the art night is fun, but anapi and the kid are all over each other, and it was sickening. the kid is a puppy, and anapi is on a dominant trip. i couldnt be around them at all tonite, and i do my best to not be where they are.

i meet alquin and this random boy who just got a tattoo tonite. alquin is fun, but the other boy is annoying.

i call willal to calm down. we talk, and it gets easier. i dont feel like i have to try hard to make him trust me. its time, and he teaches me to be patient. he teaches me that there are things more important than me and my sexual drive.

he is so good with his son, so sweet without being so fucking pussy-like, so damned caring. he makes me smile, and i love that he doesnt want anymore kids. if he did, i probably wont be with him.

you know, he and i are a perfect fit. we wont live out our lives together, but i know that he and i are good now. and with him, i learn that all we have are moments, and that i dont want anything more than the moment. i dont want to think about anything else.

he doesnt know this, but im going to tell him. he teaches me to do that, too.

in which i will stand still

i want to run away again, feel like floating off to another paradise, need to be free and not think.

that time will come on thanksgiving when the boy, elaro, and i will go up to san francisco to visit elaros daughter. i cannot wait. that city will refresh me and take me into christmas vacation feeling good.

do you believe that some people have the gift of perception? highly sensitive and aware of many things that others dont have feelings about? i have this. it isnt as developed, but i have a tiny tiny tiny bit of it.

a student in my class has it, but a lot of bit. she tells me about willal, and she cautions me to end this. she says hes a good person, but he has drama in other parts of his life. she says its carefree now, but later, i will cry.

why do i believe her words? because the other day, she says something to me before i go to see him, and he says the same exact thing almost. it doesnt freak me out, but the information i have helps me. i dont ask him anything, so i have to find out some way.

i have this fucking annoying thing about me. its called fear. with him, its intensified. i dont know what the hell is wrong, but i have to take a risk. im going to allow him to talk. im going to listen to him, and if i need to, im going to ask questions.

im going to be patient. im going to be what he needs. im going to just be.

but i dont want to get involved. i dont want to be pulled into his life or him into mine. i dont want to meet his family, his ex, his son. someday, i want to take pictures of him and his boy, but not now. not yet.

i care about him very much, and the more time i spend with him, i become more and more drawn. it may just be the novelty or the freshness or the quality of him, but i helplessly ache for him.

and thats what makes my blood pump.

in which i lose respect and trust and hope for my friend

text message from him today, 9:49 a.m.: how much would you hate me if i flaked?

my response, 10:25 a.m.: i expected u 2 do it the 1st moment u said u would go. im not surprised but i want u 2 come...

no response from him.

text message from me to him, 1:25 p.m.: so, are you flaking out on me?

no response from him.

im not mad because i think about how jealous and possessive he is when im around other people, and he doesnt know that ive invited others. if he doesnt go, i wont really care.

besides, im planning on going to willals tonite. poor boy needs some loving.

and this girl needs some of him tonite.

in which my friend and i go to another museum

last week, my friend comes into my room and says, i had such a good time when we went to the museum. we should go check out more museums.

ive meant to go to the moca. ive gone before.

did you like it? more importantly, will i like it?

i dont know. i dont know you that well.

i like contemporary art.

then you might like this because the "c" in moca stands for contemporary.

the last time we go to the museum is in may. we smoke out in the car on the way there, and we go to an exhibit i read about. i love it, and i think that maybe he will make a move on me. of course, he doesnt.

tomorrow, we are going to go to art night in pasadena. i ask him if he will bring anyone, and he seems taken aback. its an honest question, but whatever.

he is so fucking hot today, looking so good in a green sweater. but i hate when he wears work clothes. i want him to wear jeans and t-shirt and casual shoes. he doesnt have a style, but if he were mine, id put him in that. id dress him up.

i want to dress up a boy again the way i cleaned exbf up. he looked good by the time we ended, but now, i dont know. too bad because he is a fucking hot guy, too.

i dont have to worry about willal because the boy is so metrosexual. his loft looks so urban chic as he fills it up with little details here and there.

and what of my friend tomorrow? how much longer will we have to wait for this to happen? its not like hes interested in me. he doesnt act it, although lately, hes been coming over. and damn, when he looks into my eyes...sexy!

i want to consummate this already, get it over, and go forward. theres so much tension sometimes, that i want to kick his ass.

in which the problem presents itself

last night, we are both tired. its really no surprise since we exert much energy the night before and get up early the next day to exert more energy before a full days work.

the desire is there. thats apparent, but we are too old and too jaded and too busy and too commited (why cant i spell this word and its variations?) to other things and too closed and way too tired to see each other.

and this where the problems begin. at this point, i will speak for myself.

i dont want to be in a relationship. i dont want to know that everyday im going to see one person. i dont want to establish a long-term affair with any one person. i dont want someone to get to know me or to get to know someone. i dont want children or family members involved.

and it isnt him. hes a wonderful, respectful, caring man. and he makes me feel wonderful, respected, and cared for. i just hope i do the same for him.

if anyone came into my life now, i would feel exactly the same way. i would not want to get too close or to invest in something i dont have time to really maintain and nurture.

when school ends in may, and i have a bit more time for myself, and when i get my new position, and i have had a bit of experience there...AND WHEN I CAN FINALLY JUST BREATHE WITHOUT ANYTHING REQUIRING MY TIME EXCEPT INHALING AND EXHALING, thats when ill be able to really sit down and be honest with myself.

honest about what i want and what i can give. who i am and who i want. where i want to be and who i want to be there with. that needs to be an honest discussion with myself. but right now, i cant have that conversation. to be more accurate, i wont have that discussion.

the thing is that im trying to keep this thing with him light and airy. easy breezy lemon squeezy. i dont talk about my day, and i dont ask about his. i tell him bits and pieces about my boy, but i dont ask about his. and forget about family or the past. i wont venture there.

this is a fun time. low stress, great sex. we are both quality people. everything is great. well, it should be.

the presenting problem is that we both think too much. overanalytical. when we are together, it is such a lovely, passionate, exhilarating time. when we are apart, i dont know. things break down.

im speaking for myself, remember.

text messages become misinterpreted. time apart equals time for other people. i start to miss him, and i mull over inside how it would be easier, better, more fun if i were with someone who can give me that. then i act on it. i choose to do stupid things that make me sick (i wont be specific here, but it doesnt involve sleeping with other people or acts of violence or pain) in order to numb my need to be next to him.

its so fucking immature really the things i am capable of. i do them, but ive been getting better at standing still.

todays text messaging session begins with the need for me to clarify a statement made last night. its pretty simple, i thought. no need to expound, but i do. then it snowballs to this ridiculous little i-dont-even-know-what thing. so i text him and tell him that we should talk because things need to be said. im sick of second guessing and being unclear, of thinking one way and he meaning another. its too ridiculous.

ridiculous.

you dont want to see me anymore? he texts. am i a burden to you? i need to go to hawaii for a week to clear my head.

i text, do you want to end this?

because if he does, i will let it go. just like that. despite the good times weve had and the ones left to come. despite the wonderful person he is and the person i am when i am with him. despite the kisses, the touches, the looks.

i will walk away. as always, one foot is out the door already.

his problem, and i am speaking from my observations, is that he thinks too much, and hes put himself into something he doesnt know how to handle.

he isnt ready to be in a relationship, but his heart and mind wont let him deny that he is better when he is in one. he longs for normalcy, to be in someones life and for someone to be in his, but a part of him wont allow it.

perhaps im wrong. perhaps im projecting. but i hate when he misunderstands me because he agonizes needlessly.

as do i.

in which i accept it

time with him is limited and stolen because of his son and my son and life and fatigue.

this is the air i breathe while im with him.

i have no other choice.

i could choose, i know, to find someone with little baggage who will have enough time for me, who is able to commit, who wants to be with me.

but i honestly will not make the time for that type of relationship. i cant. single mother, full time work, full time school, plus the gym? damn, one of those will suffer.

and i like how it is now. my son, my child, is 2nd violin in the all-city orchestra, y'all. i need to spend more time with him. i need to make the time for him now. its critical.

this thing is fantastic the way it is.

i love that our time is limited because now, when we do spend time together, it is quality. when we see each other, it is with longing. when we touch, it is electricity.

i know my pattern. i know when i spend too much time with someone, i feel claustrophobic. i get bored. i become testy. i act entitled. and i push away.

he and i have so much respect for each other. and when we sleep, he reaches for me.

and i for him.

in which i cant seem to let go

nor do i want to.

there is something about his hands that weaken me, the way they touch me, my hair, my ass. i love the way his hands fit into mine comfortably, and i can rest mine in his for hours. his hands, when they grab me, feel so strong and so masculine, but when i rub them, they are so pretty. they turn me on.

the first kiss last night comes slowly. he lies on the couch, while i sit on the other side, as we watch nip/tuck. he asks me why i am so far away, so i go to him, and when my mouth finds his, our breaths are shallow.

i lean in, and for a moment, i cant get a hold of my thoughts. his tongue finds my lips, and i find his lips, and then instantly, we are joined.

how i love making out. we make out during the commercials because we are slaves to the show, but when we get a chance we are at it. he biting my lips, me rubbing against his body.

we talk last night after we make love, and i call out to him.

baby? i say.

yes?

nothing.

come on, what?

nothing.

tell me.

nothing.

he pulls the blanket overs us and says, come here, and you can say what you want now. no one else will hear. tell me your secret.

i move close to him, and i whisper in his ear, every day, i have this realization that i desire only you.

in which i change my mind...again

because i tend to do that. and because im a girl, its my perogative.

the night falls earlier now, and i have to adjust to it.

halloween is coming, and i miss the exbf because it is his favorite.

my son, my 13-year-old cute child, is practicing right now for his all-city orchestra audition tomorrow. i pray that he gets this. its not really so much for him as it is for me. and i am selfish about this.

im going to his place later, and because ive anticipated this for the past week, now that its here, i dont even want to go. i do want to go, but its not as exciting as it is this morning.

yesterday, i see this guy, and we start talking. he works for the california conservation corps, and he is the type i would choose: rugged, strong hands, beautiful blue eyes, and a hot body. and he looks at me when talks. gaya notices this and tells me.

but i walk away from it. i walk away because i remind myself that i will not sleep with anyone else while im with willal. and i fucking kick myself. not that the ccc guy is interested in me, but what if?

monogamy is the consequence of this thing. and possibilities with others are gone. is this a bad thing? we shall soon see.

and on a funny note, yesterday afternoon, my friend calls me and asks me what kind of insurance i have. we chat about that for awhile. then he makes sure i agree with him that purchasing property is a commitment that he and i cannot make.

yes, i have to tell you something.

what?

about 7 years ago, i went to look at this beautiful townhome, and it was awesome. it had a courtyard, three bedroom, and a loft. it was just perfect. and my mistake was that i brought my mom and my son to see it, and they were excited. so i go through escrow. but...

you didnt pass?

it wasnt a test. no, i was like a boy scared to get his girlfriend pregnant, so i pulled out.

oh, god.

yup, i pulled out, and i didnt go through with it, and i disappointed the hell out of my family.

so, kaiser yes. condo no.

right. kaiser yes. condom yes. condo no.

what does condom have to do with our relationship? i mean, our conversation?

uh, nothing. just wanted to remind you to use them because youre a playah now.

yeah, right. im not.

yeah, you are. a hot playah.

we are going to the pasadena art night this friday. i want it to happen, but he is flakey, so until i see him at the norton simon, im not going to believe it. this thing between us is fun and nice.

hes been so sweet, its kind of sickening.

in which he confronts me and in turn makes me confront myself

its 2 in the morning, and instead of being in his arms, his voice is smooth in my ear. whether he whispers in my ear or whether he speaks through this little thing i hold against my face, i melt when i hear him talk.

youve wanted to end this several times, havent you? he asks. tell me im right.

youre right.

why?

because its what i do best. i run.

tell me why?

because i dont want to get to close to anyone. to anyone, not just you. everyone who comes into my life.

but youve stayed.

yes.

why?

its late. we should talk tomorrow.

no, answer.

im tired. youre tired. you have to get up early tomorrow. i have to get up early.

are you running away from me?

yes.

please dont. please answer me.

im sorry, i cant yet.

why do you stay?

why do you keep asking me?

why do you stay?

your question is so intrusive.

why do you stay?

okay, you want to know why i stay?

yes.

i stay because when i am with you, my real life melts away, and i am comforted. when i am in your loft, i forget why my life is so crazy. when im in your arms, i cant begin to tell you how i rest. thats why i stay.

you know, if you see me again, youll be playing with fire.

in what way?

youll come with your feelings involved.

no.

yes, love, you will.

no. this isnt what you think.

yes, it is. youre ready for a relationship.

no, im not. what makes you say so?

because youre beginning to feel.

i have to go now.

no.

being honest never felt so good.

in which i relent

i do not know what it is about him that melts me, that leads me back to him no matter how far and quickly i want to run away, that makes me choose him, always, only. just him.

it isnt perfect this thing we have created, but it is ours. and it is right. when two people care so much to not hurt the other, it is a matter of time until they do. and when that time comes, what of it?

he and i - we - are both so guarded and come with our issues, but we have begun this strange process of talking. last night, we talk for the first time. really talk. really talk about what this is, what he wants, what i want. and the conclusion we come up with is skewed, but there is decision.

that decision comes today. we have to just let this be whatever it will be. i dont want to define it anymore as an exclusive relationship or a fuck. it hurts my head to analyze the complexities of what comes when two protective people decide to drop their guard layer by layer.

its enough to know that i decide every day to be with him only, to engage with him only, to desire him only. this is new for me. its a big change, but it is worth making.

we can expect nothing from each other, except basic loyalty and fidelity. that part for me is easy. the trusting part that we will do this is what makes me have to be conscious and aware of my choice.

he is my choice. with abandon, with direction, with sincerity, he is my choice.

will i get hurt? will he get hurt? perhaps. perhaps the intensity and pain will cripple each of us at separate times, but im willing to feel that again. i want to feel something because i have been numb. i have been indifferent. i have been cold.

and if i become warm again, if he is the vehicle that allows me to feel passion and sexiness and chemistry and connection, and if a broken heart is the price of admission, then i will gladly pay it.

over and over again.