self protective

i feel broken and very protective of my fragility right now.

im very careful to be an observer for now, to be silent when i can, to give as little as possible...

...until i can refuel. until i no longer feel the loss. until he comes back.

but im not even counting on that. i dont know where he is, and this is a good thing. this is something i will get used to and when i do, when all is said and done, i will heal.

not fully. my heart will never go back to its original dimensions, but for that, im grateful.

i pray he is getting better, that somehow, hes doing this so he can be happy, so he can openly accept love because he deserves it.

he is such a good person. i know he doesnt believe that, but dear God, he is.

so, i wait here in patience, and i gallantly do nothing.

i humbly offer this up to God because right now, i cannot take care of it.

doing all right

this is the longest we have gone without communicating, and i have to tell you, surprisingly, it isnt so bad.

i dont want to confront it, but i have to: he was my drug, a drug that was powerful and overwhelming and addictive. im grateful that hes gone, that hes trying to be better, because as i sit here, i realize that i need to get better, too.

i love my new therapist, and in the new year, i will have new insurance who might be able to cover some mental health costs because right now, everything is out of pocket. but thats all good since i reached goal 18 from this list. and just to knock off a few more, ive also completed goals 25 - 32.

so, things have been good. busy at work, and im glad arbe took me and gilov aside to talk to us and affirm and validate what we have been doing.

i feel like he was just a memory, a dream that was psychedelic and hopeful, and i wake up now holding him in my heart and soul, afraid of going back to this kind of life if and when he returns.

perhaps hes come to same conclusion about me. we have a beautiful connection, a chemistry that is so strong, but.

but i dont want to be on a rollercoaster ride anymore. i dont want to be with someone who makes me cry, i want to be with someone who makes my heart sing and dance despite. i want a man who isnt so complicated with issues that he has not dealt with yet. i want a man who will elevate me, who will share with me a life that is stable and free of demons. a man who has the finance and the emotions and the psychological strength to walk hand in hand with me. i deserve this. i know i do. i didnt believe it before, but i fully embrace it now.

oh, and i want a man who makes me laugh. he did that. he made me laugh, and i have to say that i fell in love with him partly because of that.

im not good at endings. im not good at beginnings, either. so, to survive this painful breakup, i have let go and let God. and im so grateful that its working.

i pray he and i will always be friends. i love his friendship. i love that hes there for me, and i for him. i love that we rely on each other. and in the end, maybe what remains is the love between friends with remnants of past lovers.

he will always be in my life, i hope, because i dont think our story is finished just yet.

~*~*~

lately, ive been having some thoughts about leaving this city, and this past week, its pretty much gone the way of leaving the whole state.

its not only the financial crisis, but its also the need to be a gypsy for awhile, at least a year when my son goes to college.

im going to give myself permission to wander, to meet good people, to see some beautiful sights. i need this, i want this.

and im afraid ill have to do it alone because just as ive always suspected, my nature is to be solo.

ah, to love again...and be loved again...

the perfect ending before a new beginning

he told me once, you are my drug. and i want to be yours.

and so it has been an addiction of sorts the past three or so months, the highs of being in love, the lows of misunderstandings and unintentional hurts, the need of a fix to see and be within reach of each other, and then there are the withdrawals.

which is where i am, which is where i have been the past week or so.

when we are together, its so fun. we have so much love for each other that everything feels warm and sweet. but then...when we are not together, when we are tired or busy and we just cant be with each other, then we become not so good.

we both have issues, trust issues and self esteem issues, and to be honest, our baggage has led us to where we are now.

but.

i know he wants to change. i know i want to also. so, in our infinite wisdom, we have both decided to retreat to our different corners and figure this out.

~*~*~

saturday, we spend the night at a fabulous hotel. it was really breathtaking, and the room was just divine. we were both pretty impressed.

he had four fingers in me, and i felt myself opening up more and more.

the night was so special that everything was erotic and passionate all at once.

when he had to fingers in my bum, i knew i would need to have him in there.

it hurt, of course, at first. but it was amazing with him when we finally got the rhythm.

the night was raw, tender, sweet, dirty, sexy, rough, slow...and perhaps it was all of these because it would be our last night together for awhile.

~*~*~

so, what now? he asked after breakfast. we had just come from church, and we were hungry from the night before.

i dont know. where would you like to go?

the beach.

so we drove to point dume, hung out there, and when it was time to go, i couldnt help but feel a loss.

no crying, he said, as he wiped my tears.

i said nothing. i let him hold me, as i breathed in his scent, and we got in the car and drove back to the beginning of an end.

over

...but not out.

because a new adventure is just around the corner, i can feel it.

and though it cripples me that it ended, i have to wonder if i really believed that what i would have gotten was what i really needed?

sometimes, my mind plays tricks on me, desperate tricks to try to mask other issues, and im not playing that anymore.

things i learned from him: i am capable of loving without being afraid; that i can be loved without feeling like im losing myself; that in this world, i will find someone.

and those lessons do not come cheap.

untitled

i think it was the exbf.

yep, i think he was the one, the one who had the heart for malicious intents, for darkness against others, the one who had the power to curse me.

or perhaps, all that is just a play in my mind, a safe way to excuse what happens or doesnt.

and it breaks my heart.

~*~*~

its time to throw in the towel and admit defeat.

i hate giving up, but sometimes, its just the best thing to do.

the best thing.

love is funny, no? i think its the different levels that isnt very funny to me. it tricks me, love does.

i think its just that i havent had the practice of loving. truth be told, ive only been in love twice, but ive loved many.

well, love in a sense that i cared for them.

i sit here now, not making sense, trying to put on a happy place because i want to enjoy this day here and take lots of pictures.

being alone isnt so bad. it feels good sometimes to travel light, to not be consumed with other peoples drama, to just get to know myself.

i just didnt think it was going to be like this again.

in negotiations

put on the bracelet, he said.

really? even now, when i sleep?

yes, i dont want it off of you.

so i put it on, and i kissed him. i pulled away, looked at him in the eyes, and he pulled me in again for another kiss.

deeper. his tongue searching for mine, his hands in my hair, his body moving to a prone position.

he moves me over his hardened cock, and i am wet, and he easily slips in, making the sound i love when our souls our joined in this way.

he closes his eyes, he moves around to make his cock hit my walls harder, and i feel the tension about to release onto him.

we fuck, and when we finish, our breaths are fast, and we are trying to gather ourselves, and when we do, we fall asleep.

~*~*~

i had been dreaming of foggy buildings, of cloudy voices, of hazy streets.

i startle myself awake, and i reach for my phone to check the time. i love the first night we return from daylight savings...that extra hour makes every seem so long.

it is only 4:30 am, two hours after we both soaked each other in juices, and we have so much more time before we had to wake up.

i move closer to him, and he pulls me in for a kiss. a deep kiss. so fucking sexy deep that it takes me a second to realize i am not dreaming.

hes kissing me, and i kiss his neck, his chest, his stomach, i find his cock, and i devour it hungrily, smelling me on him still.

my mind is in a dream state, so everything is so sexy and slow and intense.

i am sucking him so deeply, and i look up at him to see his eyes closed still. i take him deep in my mouth, and with every bob of my head, i am wet.

i love his cock, love how perfect it fits everywhere he decides to put it in me, and i dont want to leave, so i stay there longer.

his hips move up, making it easier to suck him, and then he says into the silent room, youre going to make me cum. i want you to cum with me.

i let my tongue roll on the head of his cock and use it to trace down to his balls before i mount him.

his movement becomes more intense, and instinctively i know he is awake now, and i fuck him with everything i have the way he fucks me.

he and i are one, not only in body, but our connection is so strong and so intense that i cannot imagine a time we will not be with each other.

i cum hard, and he cums hard, and theres so much sweat and cum, he decides to wash up in the shower.

when he comes back, he holds me and i fall asleep like that until the alarm went off.

~*~*~

sometimes, i think we want different things, but then i realize we want the same things at different times.

lately, ive felt the need to nest with him, to move forward with this even though its only been such a short time, but he tells me he needs time.

and in the greater scheme of things, time isnt such a bad thing.

i just hate that i have to pay for the sins of the other women who were in his life.