done

from my car 04.2009 by agape+photography

im creating such a distance between me and my job that i do not know how i can continue working there for another 40 days.

ive steadily checked out of my position since i got the pink slips, and i find no joy in doing my work, but i do love the ladies i work with.

the kids are awesome...some of them, and they come to visit and hang out. some of the things they say are along the lines of they never hung out with their counselors before and that they love me.

ive got to reach deep and find the place where i found joy in my work because its not fair to the kids. they need a counselor, and im going to muster up the energy to be the best for them.

but ive never worked as if this were a job, ive always had genuine fun and truly loved my role. even last year, a year of hell with the biddy bitches in my hole in the wall office and all the stress ive felt in awhile, i had a great year.

i dragged my ass the past week, needing a break, and not really getting one. its so scary to wake up in the middle of the night without breath, and i have to do some deep breathing exercises before i sleep.

next year will be so different for the kids, and im saddened about this. i pray that they have awesome teachers and awesome counselors.

poly is going to go through a big change, and lots of people are leaving.

this, my friends, is a good thing.

~*~*~

last night, the red haired boy called me, and we talked of bubonic plague, growing my own garden like he is, him buying a gun (me: do you know how to use it? him: uh, yes. me: oh, shit, i forgot about the time you spent in the marines. him: im a killing machine. me: yes, i remember now.), tagalog words i taught him, a case from 1989 he is on the brink of solving (him: what was i doing in 89? me: me. him: that was a quick and appropriate comeback that i wanted to hear), dumb neighbors, his trip with his mom to italy, how to grow vegetables in a place other than a garden, and zombies.

zombies.

and i had to tell the boy.

so now? the red haired boys popularity just went up in my sons book.

nerds.

empty, yet full

laguna 04.2009 by agape+photography

the ocean always calms me, especially when there is turbulence in my restless soul.

im struggling internally with so many anxieties and the dichotomy that it presents in my life: this is a time of change, of growth, of shedding, of renewing, of cleansing...and mostly of reshaping.

while it brings me anxiety, i am also very excited and very resigned that the next few months will be a time to regroup and to rest.

there are nights when i wake up gasping for air. i think ive developed a habit of holding my breath throughout my day, and i have to literally direct myself to breathe.

its a bit frightening, and when i practice deep breathing, it hurts. not physically so much, but theres an ache that im compelled to acknowledge.

~*~*~

lately, ive been struggling with my inability to have found closure with a man who impacted my life greatly.

really? its been years. sure, there are days my heart sweetly breaks as if it happened only an hour ago. hes probably gotten himself into a new situation, which of course, is something that is natural. hes an amazing lover, a dilf, from what my memory affords me, and i miss him.

i miss his essence.

its time to let go of it. nothing will ever happen, and rightfully so. he served a purpose, he brought me to a place where i can get deeper understanding of myself, he taught me about respect for others but mostly for me.

i needed that. i need that. i had to grow up, and this was probably the only way to do that.

he changed my life.

and i wonder what will it take to move on, for my emotions to heal, to let my heart catch up with reason.

because really? im imprisoned by my reluctance.

and i want to have a relationship, a real one, and i finally want to be happy.

all in time.

im still a bit spooked with sharing my life.

~*~*~

soon, itll be june 30th, and i will have the summer off.

i daydream about this every single day, so much so in fact that its been a struggle to go to work and sit there.

i have a lot to do, ive got tons of stupid little busy, data entry shit to do, and i cringe.

i want to leave, for at least a little while. i wish i can go away and stay at a place thats completely different.

the boys father is supposed to take the boy to hawaii, and in that time, im going away.

~*~*~

photography is going great, and i cannot wait to explore this career.

im a bit scared, apprehensive, but this is temporary.

i know it.

notes

huntington library and gardens 01.2009 by agape+photography

it had been awhile since id seen abc, and i even deleted his number from my phone.

but today, at a local district meeting, i bumped into him again.

the first thing he asked? hey, so how did it go with that guy?

he was referring to w because the last time we talked, we had a two hour conversation about how w dumped my ass.

abc is a kid, but that night, he had some wise words.

we havent talked since he told me to not contact him again, i said.

really? that sucks.

yeah, well, its life.

have you tried to contact him?

yeah. it just didnt work out.

later, cricue and i were passing notes back and forth, and i posed this question to her: if you woke up naked next to someone, who would it be and why?

her answer: tyson beckford because if im going to go black, im going all the way.

my answer: w because then i can finally talk to him and apologize and finally get closure so i can move on.

she asked if i tried to work on this, and i have. ive honestly tried to deal with it, and i dont know what else to do.

so i do nothing.

i promise you that i comprehend that hes moved on, that hes probably involved with another, and that hes no longer thinking of me. i understand this.

but its so hard when the thought of him sneaks up on me.

im ready to move on. i want to.

i must.

i fucked up royally, beyond all repair, and i get that.

just lately? i feel his essence so strongly, i look around for him.

but hes not there.

~*~*~

yesterday, serga and i flirted via notes, and i realize that im so much better when its simple and safe and fun.

but when anyone shows signs of interest, i run.

and today, mikme messaged me: have you slept with anyone at work?

i told you, i dont shit where i eat. what have you heard?

nothing. just curious. really? nobody?

nope.

then he mentioned names, all of whom id never even think about.

but i did mention djc, who is so flirty and yummy and dammit. one chance is all i ask.

~*~*~

i need a vacay.

one week of shooting and resting and hanging with my son.

i hate being a dog owner.

retreat the weekend before the wedding in may.

ill need it.

on a sunday night

lgo 01.2009 by agape+photography

i dont quite know or i havent figured out what consumes my time on a daily, weekly, monthly basis.

im treading water, making it hard to breathe. last night, i woke up in the wee hours of the morning, gasping for breath, knowing that even in my sleep, i still cant catch up.

when im thirsty, i drink water. when im tired, i rest. but lately, ive deprived myself of the touch of another, and intellectually, i know that this is not a good thing.

but what will i do about it?

im afraid, nothing. its just not in my realm, my list of priorities.

though, i do miss it. quite a bit.

the other day, serga told this to students: tell her that i dont hate her, that i do like her, and i dont visit her because i love when she visits me...

to which i responded: tell him that i dont like the macho games. if he wants to talk to me, tell him im here.

the guy is such a flirt, but im better. he really makes me laugh, and i find myself thinking of him before i fall asleep.

but really? its only because i want to forget the man whose scarred into the crevices of my memories, and i hate it.

i dont know why i cant shake him. i dont know why i still fucking want him.

however. if i stopped and reviewed how it was when we spent 11 months together, i know that it was what i needed them.

now? no.

id do it differently. id tell him how i loved him, how i loved being with him, how scared i was, how frightened he made me because he didnt want me...

and id ask him what he wanted, what he needed from me, and id give him time.

id trust more in the universe and listen quietly to his heartbeats, and id believe in him...but more, id believe in me.

i want that chance, but i know that time has washed away any chances, but its all good.

inspired

its becoming more and more challenging to go to work and sit inside a glass box in front of a desk and a computer.

ive had to redirect myself so many times today, had to do some self-talk to push papers. there is a father whose daughter is a tweaker, but when he comes to conferences, he is charming and awesome and endearing. he loves this girl, and its very genuine.

whenever i say something about my single status, he looks at me surprised. i think i make him nervous because he starts stuttering and talking more and more.

would i do something with him, given the oppportunity? yes. will there be an opportunity? no.

but i digress.

ive checked out of my position as a counselor, and i think the universe is getting impatient with me being slow on the uptake about the damned signs already.

today, sherlo called to ask me about how i want to design my business cards. there are jobs lined up, but i need to advertise.

~*~*~

susan boyle, amazing talent.

paul potts, amazing talent.

i was in tears as i watched these.

and once again, my heart swells with hope.

perhaps you will feel honored when you view them?

what i envy isnt material things. i envy peoples courage, their resilience, their willingness to pursue their dreams. its what i aim for, what i struggle to do, what inspires me.

the first video i read on the my photographer crush from a few years back. i was seriously in lust for this man, and when he broke my heart, i was so broken.

he was gorgeous then, really, and his talent? blew me away and really made me want to consider picking up my camera again.

it wasnt until i met w that i did.

synchronicity, freedom for, and other tales

farmers market, south pas 03.2009 by agape+photography

yesterdays brunch with loupak was really fun, except sometimes, the girl tries to hard to be mean and insensitive. i say try because shes not a mean person, shes got a good heart, but really? shes still socially rebellious.

if i ever had any question that rucue was the man i met a few years back, it was confirmed by lupak that indeed it was. not directly, of course. but i have my clever ways...

whatever. she wants to do a trash the dress session, which i think will be fun. i have visuals of it already with the beach as the backdrop. i know she wants to include me somehow in her wedding as a photographer, and i love that.

so, are you dating anyone? whats going on with you? she asked.

no, not dating. there hasnt been anyone for a year and a half. just havent had the time.

well, if you want to bring a guest to the wedding, you have a plus one.

ive never brought a plus one to any of the handful of weddings ive atttended. in november, the back to back weddings were fun without a date, and i just hate the fuss of it all. im fine alone, and i get to leave whenever i want.

she also asked about the boys father, i dont know. i guess i dont understand why youre not with him.

uh, thats funny. i was just thinking about how different my life would have been if we got married.

so, why not?

i dont know. hes the only person ive ever been in love with.

then?

we dont share the same values.

and because its been so long since we looked at each other and kisssed and made love...and since we were in love.

loupak talked about synchronicities in her life, and i loved hearing her explain.

this thing with the boys father was synchronicity for me, too. you see, on the way there, i was thinking of the boys father. sometimes, i think how easier it would have been had i caved in and allowed him to take control.

even my grandmother thinks i should marry him if he isnt taken, but its not going to happen.

we just dont belong.

~*~*~

whenever i review my past in terms of career and men, i always feel as if i ran away. and to the untrained eye, this is how it may seem.

however, after todays sermon, i realized that i sought freedom not from anyone, but freedom for the right one to come into my life.

freedom from the classroom for a new career in counseling, and now, in photography.

freedom from the exbf for others who taught me some amazing things.

freedom from the status quo for a change, a move to the next chapter.

and i love it.

~*~*~

i got the best massage today.

im breaking it off with my old masseuse.

two in the morning

phs 03.2009 by agape+photography

im so tired, but too many thoughts and wet hair keep me from laying on a pillow and shutting my tired eyes.

had breakfast with loupak this morning, and she wants me to the the trash the dress session with her instead of her photographer.

speaking of photography, ive been so encouraged by family and friends to really pursue this, and my brother said that if it werent for this pink slip, i probably would just be bitching about work and not doing any pictaking.

which would suck. because lately? i need to have a camera in my hand, and when i do have one, i feel alive. have you ever felt that way? if you have, then you can relate.

~*~*~

this past week, the boy and i had spring break. since my vacay was supposedly in january and february, i technically dont have spring break, but guess what? i took thursday and friday off.

muffy is the most boring, zero personality, and i cannot stand her. i can tolerate her, but if i had my way, she can leave the center. shes a nothing.

on wednesday, i went with iremal to the santa mountains to plant indigenous trees to stave off the wild plants that are growing up there. the kids were so awesome and funny, but my pictures were turning out shitty. sometimes, if i hadnt shot anything, it takes awhile for me to warm up.

~*~*~

i think its time to make this a business. i met up with frasa on tuesday to discuss a possible joint venture with him doing makeup and me doing photography. ive had two clients lined up already, and i cannot wait.

if i didnt have a day job, then it would be a bit easier to work on pictures.

except: i hate sitting in front of the computer all day, and my eyes have been suffering lately. also, i like the money and the benefits provided by my day job.

in a perfect world, id have an awesome job at the dtla school, and id shoot at least two weekends a month.

im looking at photojournalistic opportunities that is purely for volunteer. ive always wanted to hang out with the people in this organization, and perhaps the summer will afford me some time to do so.

and this? amazing. simply amazing.

lately, ive had the itch to do some community service, to give back, to be a part of something greater than myself.

i love being a counselor, but its time now to get a move on.

~*~*~

easter tomorrow. a time for being forgiven, for renewal, for newness.

and this time, im going to be amazingly aware of what life is all about.

update

o, fine art photo class 04.2009 by agape+photography

life is just a jumbled mess right now because i havent attended to it lately.

i wont bore you with excuses, but one reason is that photo classes three days a week? mindnumbingly tiring.

but oh, so worth it.

up there is the first subject ive ever photographed nude. the class is made up of mostly men and about 5 women, and its so quiet except for the shutters going off. we need music, at least i do, because i cannot concentrate when its silent.

i love this medium so much that im becoming obsessed with it.

~*~*~

in the next two years, heres what i want to do:

- continue to take classes, mostly in wedding photography and anything that will let me shoot
- make money from photography
- save money for my sons college expenses
- buy more camera equipment, including flash, stronger and faster lenses, lighting, and a nikon d700
- live in san francisco and go to sfai and eventually travel on photo assignments.

thats all. nothing less, hopefully more.

and there are days where i question my abilities. i get so down, and i spiral so quickly into the same conversation of not being good enough, of why i shouldnt dare, of why i will fail.

its tough to have to face demons and wonder who is right. ive gotten positive feedback about my pictures, but still the pervasive thought is this: am i good?

i have to find my niche, find my center.

~*~*~

im going to go on a silent retreat in may, the week before the wedding i am to photograph.

i need to gather myself and spend time alone, to go to the mountain and pray.

i have to heal, and at times i feel that theres only a scar where the open wound used to be, and other times, well, it aint too good. i dont understand. time is supposed to heal us, but its not working with me.

and dammit, i dont allow any man into my life. well, the ones who come into my presence...i usually dismiss them rather quickly because to be honest? theres no connection.

which is fine, but i need to get off this celibacy train, and fuck away.

soon, i know, soon.