last night

i go to his house after class, mostly because i am concerned that he is sick. something about his stomach. i tell him i think it might be nerves or anxiety, and he says it could possibly be.

i need to see him last night, not for sex, but for him. ive missed him, even though he doesnt really care about this much. i am gravely mistaken.

people in real life do not read this blog at all. they know it exists, but they also know my need for privacy. they respect that this is an area to let my thoughts run amok without judgement, without prejudice.

i am so very raw and open here, and while i am both of those in real life also, there is a sexiness about words that i cannot describe. its like splitting my mind open and finding these stories that need to be freed.

people in real life will tell you that i am so clueless about guys. have you ever watched a baby trying to take his/her first steps? s/he starts to walk, and then someone will cheer him/her, and what happens?

s/he stumbles. falls on the ass, and starts crawling again. the attemps will be made again, at a later date, when s/he isnt aware that it is happening.

this is how i am with guys. i have no clue about them. i dont pick up on subtle nuances. i dont understand the dance. all i know is overt gestures. no need to bop me on the head, but a word or sentence would be appreciated.

when fp fucks me on his last night at work, twenty-two days after exbf left, i am not aware that he is even interested in me. i only realize it when he asks me if i can kiss him good bye. and when i do, i think, how random that he started to like me on his last day.

of course, as some point out to me, that i completely think nothing of him coming to my room for hours at a time, of him looking at me when i am playing spider solitaire (i was addicted, y'all, addicted), of him trying to get my attention away from ansa doesnt mean he isnt leaving clues.

well, how the hell am i supposed to add all those together to get that he likes me? geez.

last night, willal tells me that i am so far away as i am making gin and tonic and as he is cutting up lime. he tells me i have a look about me, and he wonders out loud when we last see each other. then he remembers.

i am distant, admittedly, because i am about to break it off with him. he tries to kiss me, to hold me, but i push him away. gently. i pull him into his bed, where we begin to talk.

this is the last time we are going to be together, i start.

why?

im ending it.

you are?

yes, baby. im ending it because you dont trust me.

so, this is the last time we are going to be together?

yes, baby. im afraid so.

he looks into my eyes, then looks away. i can see him clenching his teeth, and then he closes his eyes.

its just that you dont trust me to be with just you, so it rattles me. i need someone to trust me.

you know, i do. i do trust you, but im slowly learning to trust you more.

i want that.

its not just you. its everyone. i dont even trust my own mother.

im not talking about anyone else. im talking about us. i want you to trust me when im not with you. and i know you dont.

how can you tell?

your eyes. your voice. i can tell. and i can only be as good as someone expects me to be. im a reactive person. do you trust yourself?

yes. thats why im confident. just like you.

im not confident about everything. i just know my limits and my capabilities.

well, you know what you want, and you are going for it. like school. you know you want your masters, and youre going for it.

yes, baby, but that doesnt mean its easy. its sacrifice. two-and-a-half years of my life are sacrificed. that means limited time with the boy, no relationships, hard work.

so what? at least you are doing it.

yes, because i have to. its an intrinsic need.

he kisses me, and i understand all of a sudden that his silence doesnt mean reluctance. it just means hes silent. but big wheels keep on turning.

he makes me cum twice, and then i pull away from him so i can suck his cock. i cannot convey how much i enjoy sucking on his cock. i love the texture of it in my mouth and how i can smell me on him.

come in my mouth, baby.

oh, yes, i want to watch it drip from the corners of your mouth.

that is a lovely image.

moments later, looking up at him from my back, i glean what has now become a look of familiarity. i know now when he is about to cum. he no longer has to alert me. i can sense it now.

he cums in my mouth, on my neck, and on my tits. he stays in his position for awhile, and then he wipes me up. i love this care.

i dont mean to stay, but i do. i am unable to sleep, so i move to the couch. but the couch is leather, so everytime i move, i have to peel myself off. and while i like pain, this one is not pleasurable.

i go back to him on the bed, and eventually, i fall asleep only to be awakened two hours later by my alarm. i turn it off, and i try to go back to sleep. i wrap my arms around him, but he doesnt stir.

his phone starts vibrating, and i dont know whether or not it is his alarm or if someone is calling him. but before 6 a.m.? hhhmmm...someone is a bit desperate.

i try to rise him from his slumber, but he doesnt bulge. i run my fingers up and down his arm to try to wake him, but nothing.

i give him another half an hour, then i start kissing him. first his cheeks. then his neck. then his shoulders. then i run my tongue down his stomach. and i bite his hips. and i find his cock, and i lick it.

he opens his eyes and looks at me. you know this is how i want to wake you up, baby.

wow. really?

yes.

i lick his cock up and down. i hear him take a breath when i find the head. i move back down to his balls, and i lick him there. i spend time there, and he is waking up now.

i take his shaft in my mouth. ive learned how to deep throat him and leave it there in the softness. he is making some soft sounds, and this inspires me to do more.

he takes his cock in his hands and starts moving it up and down. my mouth covers the head, and i suck. his hands move faster. i lick up and down from the head to his balls. i go back to his cock.

baby, i want you to cum, i whisper in his ear. i want you to cum hard this morning.

i move against his body, and i kiss his neck, his chest, his arm. i love kissing him. i love touching him. he doesnt have to do anything, and i am wet when i am next to him. i havent figured out yet what compels me to him.

he turns me over, and he enters me. oh, god, i moan. yes, baby, yes.

he fucks me. fucks me hard. i feel the buildup, and i cum all over his cock. he doesnt lose his rhythm. i cum again after a few more thrusts.

his cock hits my g-spot because of its natural shape, and while ive never been a fan of being on top, with him, it is so wonderful. my g-spot and my clit appreciate it. and i love how he watches me and moves my hair from my face.

when he is satisfied that i have cum enough, he fucks me harder. i move my ass against him. he lifts my shirt. and then he comes on the small of my back and on my ass. he cleans me up, and he gets ready for the day.

what a way to wake up on a thursday morning. its times like these that memories of the boys father and the exbf rush at me. this is how we used to welcome in days.

to myself, i promise...

1. to take it one day at a time. seriously. no, not even one day, one hour at a time. i think i can handle that.
2. to protect my heart, but allow it some growth from time to time.
3. to care for me and the boy better.
4. to allow others entrance into my world.
5. to be more diligent with the important things in life: family, God, health, school, work.

6. to go to the gym at least three times a week. no matter what. and if i can make my ass get up, go see pablo on sundays, too.
7. to be more thoughtful about words that come out of my mouth.
8. to take each lesson and really learn from it.
9. to hug more.
10. and if i can, to kiss more.

11. to eat better.
12. to buy bikes for me and the boy.
13. to live a better lifestyle by cleaning up more, reading more, spending quiet time alone more.
14. to be a better mother.
15. to continue to strive to be a better person.

16. to give as much as i take.
17. to play as hard as i work.
18. to dance more.
19. to take more pictures.
20 to blog less and to write in my real life journal more.

21. to be safe.
22. to be honest.
23. to be happier.
24. to be have more fun.
25. to live life.

breaking habits

i wish i were stronger about things and people, especially willal. i do not know why i am compelled to talk to him, text him, anything to have his essence, but i know that in the end, the result will be the same.

we will not be together. vanity, i know, like i can predict the future. in fact, i do not know where it would have led had i not ended it.

fact of the matter is, if you believe in the zodiac signs at all, i dont fare well with virgos. more specifically, virgo men, the virgins. the boys father, november, and willal are all virgos. it is passionate and lovely and fast and whirlwind in the beginning...and then it fizzles out.

to make it worse, i feel like i repel them to a degree that they are allergic to me. sadly. because i want talk to them again. i do not feel such an intense anymosity towards any of them.

so, i sit here, trying to forget about willal. this is sick. i surround myself with people in a lame effort to not miss him, but its all in vain.

im not novice to trying to forget about someone. ive come to realize that people dont have to stay forever, and once theyve taught a lesson, they leave. sometimes, their purpose in my life is to serve as a guide, as a mirror, as a teacher, as a student. endless possibilities.

it doesnt lessen the hurt, doesnt keep me from wanting still, doesnt make things easy, but it makes things so much more bearable.

willal is a habit. i have to just replace it with new ones. if only it were that simple.

1:24 a.m.

i exchange text messages with willal. he is distant. i am distant. i want him. i want to talk to him right now, but he is tired. and he doesnt want to talk to me.

today is novembers birthday, and i text message him that i hope he has a wonderful day and a year full of love and happiness.

i am tired and feeling a bit sore from pablo. not him specifically, although i wish it were him, but from the exercises he shows us tonite.

my hair smells good since i just got out of the shower. i enjoy getting out of the shower and getting ready to meet willal. ah, the things i miss.

i had a great time tonite with loupav. he is a real sweetie. i have a coffee date with mr. clark on thursday, and a lunch date with dodger on friday.

i meet many guys, but my overwhelming problem is that i cant seem to settle on one. part of it is fear. the other part chemistry. and yet the third is timing.

if i could just meet the one, i wouldnt be writing this post which sounds like shit.

ugh.

borders tonite, part one

theres this ad i post on cl on saturday. its my favorite one yet. it reads:

youre browsing through the posts, and you find one you think is meant especially for you.

it reads: wanted, fun-loving, intelligent, creative type to end the summer and welcome the fall with. is between 35-41, holds a decent job by day but longs to find someone to read with at night. is caucasian or hispanic, or a wonderful mixture of both. has friends and family that love him despite. can hold a conversation filled with wit, humor, and varied interests. is confident, secure, honest, and trustworthy. carries no baggage but admits he isnt perfect.

you answer the ad. she responds back. you call her. she answers. you laugh with her because he+r laughter is infectuous. you begin to think more because her curiousity is insatiable. your mind is opened to meeting her.

she sets a time and a place. you arrive a bit early and take a seat. you recognize her as she is walking towards you. she greets you with a hug and sits next to you.

what happens next?

i get really creative responses, and i decide to keep two. one is from this boy, and another from this guy, who i think is an asshole at first, but turns out to be pretty cool.

im going to meet them both. the boy, im meeting tonite at borders. the other on thursday at swork.

what am i doing? truthfully, i dont know. i spend hours today going back and forth with anapi on whether or not to meet the boy. hes 25, so yes, technically, a boy.

i am set on cancelling, but when i talk to him, i realize he is fun, sweet, and hes not looking for anything at all. that makes him safe. which makes me go to him.

if anything, this is going to be nice. he takes pics, so that we have in common. i need something easy, breezy, lemon squeezy to end the summer.

willal knows something is up. he just asked me via text message. he is such a great person, and that he knows me well is so comforting and heartwarming.

the possibilities are endless.

borders tonite, part two

on my way to the gym, roca calls me and tells me to head on over to her house as she is having her infamous get togethers. had i not been meeting loupav, i would have gone after my hour with pablo.

but as it stands, i bow out. i make a promise of next time, knowing the next time, i will definitely have to make an appearance. she remembers shit like me not showing up, and it can get tiresome to be reminded.

i go to the lift class, vowing to not push myself to the point of extreme exhaustion that i cannot go on. i get my weights, barbells, and step stuff. im ready.

im pumped, too, because i am meeting loupav, and it is always nice to look forward to meetings. of course not everything will always be good, but i have hope.

i watch pablo, and he comes over to me when he does the bicep exercises. he always does. well, he doesnt come to me, but he comes to my area, looks me in the eyes, and lifts. his muscles bulge. i look away. then i look back. its the game we play every week.

after the class, grateful that i dont pass out like i almost do last week, i talk to him. i ask him if he is teaching this sunday, and he says yes. since i dont have plans to spend the night with willal, i am going to make it to that class.

i go to the locker room to change and wash my hands. i dont look bad for exercising for an hour and sweating for about 50 minutes. i change into my meeting-loupav digs.

i get to borders, and i buy a frame, a photo album, and a bookmark. clearance...cant resist. then i take a seat, and i watch the door.

i see him coming in. he looks different from his pics, but its okay, im not much into looks. chemistry, yes. looks, no. at least, he isnt ugly.

youre late, i say when i answer his call.

i know. im sorry. where are you?

im here. i can see you.

you can? where?

you are standing by the magazines. find your favorite one, pick it up, and open it. ill come to you.

i wait, and after calling anapi to tell her he was here, i meet him. i give him a hug when i greet him, and he tells me he wants coffee.

we take a seat outside, and we talk flawlessly for almost three hours until the security guard tells us to move our cars from the structure.

he is funny, this one. he is thoughtful, sweet, honest, and brutal. he quotes the simpsons and closer, and his favorite movie is love actually.

he likes classic rock, and he can debate his point and not back down when i push. he tells me he likes my laugh, that it sounds sincere and that i sound like im having a good time.

he wants to see me again, but he doesnt trust that i want to see him again. hes 25, but he says age is a number. i spend time trying to debate his statement. i give examples, extreme ones, but yet, he sticks with his original thought.

i spend the night talking and laughing with this boy, and i dont hardly think of willal. i dont compare anything to what willal and i shared.

this is so refreshing. i need it. i cant keep thinking of him and how things could have been different. i cant keep being a booty call because the more i know him, the more i spend the night and cuddle, the more he isnt a booty call.

and sometimes, thoughts creep in that make me wonder if there isnt anything more that is happening? an inner conflict and an inner struggle ensue. i think he likes me, really likes me, but his inability to commit and my unwillingness to do so create the division. im getting out while i can get out ahead.

he is so amazing, this man. i want him, plain and simple, but i know i wont do what it takes to keep him. i wonder if i will regret this in the future. i know i regret it today.

but this isnt about willal. this is about loupav. so, lets get back to him.

he seems genuinely disappointed when i call it a night. i ask him if he thinks i dont want to see him again.

well, you know, people say things like "ill call you" or "lets get together soon", but they dont mean it.

hey, when i say something, i mean it. come on, i had a great time. did you think we werent going to meet for coffee later on?

i dont know. i want to.

then lets.

i feel bad for him because he looks so sad. its not like he is in need of friends. he mentions quite a few tonite, so i dont know whats up.

i give him a hug good night. and i promise that we will get together again. then i hug him again, and this time, he hugs me so tightly.

on the way home, i call him. i call him, and we talk, and we make plans for friday night. god, what am i doing?

in which the intensity is high

last week, i go to him, willingly as always. but this time, it is different. we had not been able to do anything the week prior, so this time, we are both so hungry.

we come together, slowly, each kiss sweet and lovely, then turning passionately and erotic. its always the first kiss that entices me, and once our bodies are close, we cannot seem to part for more than a feet of each other.

we spend so much time kissing, a conversation that conveys more than any words can say about how weve been during the week apart, about how ive miss him, and about how he might have missed me, too.

these times are so good, so sexy, so close that it is hard for me to believe i am here. again. again and again, i return to him, week after week, i return.

we go to the mattress now on the floor because he hasnt yet put together the new frame hes purchased. he lays me down and moves over me, and i spread my legs to welcome him in.

he moves me to a different position, and i am cumming instantly and intensely. his cock hits all the right places, and when he holds my hand in a clasp, this sends me climaxing emotionally more than anything.

he is fucking me, moving in a rhythm that i dance to, and then he announces he is cumming. i love when he does this, in a soft whisper, so only i can hear, only meant for me. and when he cums, i cum, and my breath is taken. i cannot move because i am pulsating around his cock, not being able to control it so i give in to it.

i look at him just to make sure i am not alone, to know that he really does this to me. he is watching me. i throw my head back and close my eyes, wondering why the hell my body has never responded like this to anyone else before.

when i finally finish, he moves off of me and brings his body next to mine, and i have to hold him. my heart is beating rapidly, and he feels it on his arm. he laughs at it, a nervous laugh probably because he thinks im going to die or something.

but this is how fast my heart beats when im working out on the stairs, or when he is next to me on the bed, or after he makes me cum deliciously numerous times.

i am dizzy now, energized from the activity yet unable to move. unable or unwilling. i get confused as to which.

dines pisses me off the other day when she suggests i stop seeing him because he and i have not defined what this is. she is so naive in believing in words rather than actions. that love has to be announced with an oral declaration rather than a look or a touch.

i know what this is. i know the magnitude of this person who has somehow captured my mind and my body. i know how ive been transformed by his graces, by his charm, by his example. i have nothing to prove to anyone, anyone except myself.

fp tells me yesterday that i should stop this right now because i am getting too close. and he reminds me that when i get too close, i sabotage it, so it would be better if i dont see him for awhile. he is right, he nails it on the head, but you know what?

i want to see him. i want to be in his arms, to feel his teeth as they sink into my lower lip, to look into his eyes and see life. i want to be honest, to surrender to his requests and do what he asks. i want to push my boundaries, to feel frustrated at not seeing him on my time, to feel relief when his arms finally surround me and take away the weeks bad memories.

this man, this amazing man, knows how great he is. but i want to illuminate all of his magnanimous efforts as a father, as a man, as a lover, as a friend. i want to be the mirror to reflect what he has done to become the man he is. i want to be the strength he can rely on, if he needs to, when he needs to.

and what does he do for me? he lets me be who i am, to shine without threat, to move without fear. he lets me talk when i need to, to give him head when i want to, to be held when i ask.

and this is something no one has granted me for a long time. i am a different person now, more honest and more secure with myself and my shortcomings. but also more comfortable with my successes and my actions. he is the benefactor of all of my hurt and pain, how ive overcome them, and the lessons ive learned so far.

this is our time, no matter how long or how short. it is ours. no one gets to dictate how i will live the time. no one gets to judge me because i know.

and i believe, so does he.

so

ever see that sex and the city episode where berger breaks up with carrie via post it? he writes: im sorry, i cant. please dont hate me.

well, i end it with willal via text message. i know, i know, im so unoriginal. doesnt matter what i write. the thing is, ive known for awhile now that it isnt going to work, but i love the sex, i love the way he moved the hair from my face, i love the way he talks to me in spanish, i love the way he reads my letters and treasures them. but it isnt enough.

i hate this. my timing is so off. thats what happens when i try to control things. i fuck it up because i rush it. but its better this way. i know how to live this way.

there is this annoying little ass who keeps calling. he is just a little boy, doesnt know if he should be a bully or if he should be a victimizer.

i tell him this morning as he calls me on the way to work that i think hes cocky. he doesnt understand what i mean, so i explain to him that in all of his stories, he is a victor. or if he is in a bad light, he isnt to blame. its always someone elses fault.

he is really insecure. i recognize this on our first conversation when he attempts to engage me in a really stupid debate that doesnt make sense. so i tell him i have to go. he calls me all weekend, but i dont respond. he is not only cocky, but also stupid because he doesnt get the hint.

im not going to talk to him anymore. there is no need. besides, it isnt him i want to talk to.

novembers bday is tomorrow. the big four-oh. and still so immature about relationships. doesnt matter. might see him on saturday. i had forgotten about the plan made two months ago to celebrate three birthdays on one night. this is why i need a calendar. or a personal assistant. a cute guy who will organize my life.

whatever. im so pissy. reeling about willal. pray tell, how long will this pissyness last? im going to let it run its course. he really is a great guy. we will talk again.

illness

i feel like throwing up. throwing everything up, and starting all over because right now, i feel miserable.

today is a shit day, and partly its because of the thoughts swirling around in my head.

earlier on this evening at yoga, i make myself remember that i am cutting this thing off with willal. and just four minutes ago, i do it. by text message. im such an ass.

oh, and my fucking washer and dryer just died, and this just pisses me off so hard. i am hoping my brother can repair it, but how the hell do you do this?

i post an ad on cl the other day, saturday, and it is pretty good. i get some good responses, but none who answer quite capture my interest.

its because willal is on my mind. im going to stop this nonsense. im such a girl, and i blame him. but im also grateful to him because he makes me feel so good.

right now, this little boy, jf, is talking about his house that hes selling. he is such a cocky sonofabitch, and i cant stand him. but its cool. such a kid. im bored with him.

restlessness

i have this week off, and i plan to use it constructively. today, i spend time with the boy, but you all know how this goes: a 13 year old with his mom? its more for me than it is for him.

tomorrow, i have to take the car to aamco to see what the hell is up with it. i am so bad at this boy stuff, but i have to act like an adult and take care of my business. its times like these i wish i had a husband or a manfriend who will want to do this for me.

wednesday, school and work to finish up some dumb shit. oh, and i must not forget to get a tb test. the district isnt happy with wasting paper and sending me reminder notices. but whatever. they waste paper and send me a check for one bloody dollar. not kidding.

thursday and friday will just be for lounging and cleaning up the house. wow. my life is so happenin'.

actually, i like this pace. what i really need to do is to practice the art of doing nothing. but i dont. wanna why? because then i will have to think.

some things i have been pushing away:
- how the hell am i going to put in 400 hours for this program and work at the same time?
- how the hell am i going to end this with willal?
- why the hell do i think of misaju all of a sudden?
- when the hell am i going to go in for a counseling session when it seems like the times available are when i am at work?
- where the hell is my financial aid loan check?
- what the hell is up with my car, my baby that has served me for ten years that i dont want to give up for another ten years?
- who the hell is intended for my soul?
- why the hell am i craving an ipod, a home theatre, and a plasma tv?
- where the hell am i going to get the money to satisfy that craving?
- how the hell am i going to juggle the fall line up with work, school, and the gym?
- if the boys father will get him a computer?
- why the hell i am still so fucking insanely sentimental about the boys father, feeling as if hes the one who got away, knowing that im the one who pushed him away?
- what the hell is wrong with me?

see, this is why i have to remain a bit busy. maybe meditate. going to yoga tonite with this really excellent instructor. i need to breathe. this is a problem. when i dont breathe, i dont think straight.

god, i want to really get to know my friend in the biblical sense. i mean, i think that would be a great thing to do. he seems better now after taking the trip to the homeland.

he loves it there. i dont blame him. he has a european style, and i love it. i wonder what the rest of this year will bring us?

i just want one night. not a marriage. but if he is trying to work on his previous relationship, im not going to get in the way of that.

im ranting.

tagged

i have several blogs that i read daily, and what a great surprise when several of them seem to read me, too. this humbles me.

so, ive been tagged. eventually, it is meant to happen. thank goodness this one is about books, a past time that i have to engage in and work on again.

lets begin.

1. a book that has changed your life.
several have, but one that comes to mind quickly is the four agreements by don miguel ruiz. its an easy read, and for the spiritualists in all of us, must be part of the collection on our bookshelves.

2. a book you have read more than once.
this one is easy. oh, the places youll go by dr. seuss. it helps me determine that sometimes, paths arent straight.

3. a book you would want on a desert island.
the bible. i havent read it, but every week at mass, excerpts are read to me and explained. i love that, but i think i have to experience reading it.

4. a book that made you laugh.
seven relationship mistakes women make. i do not know the author, but ive passed the book to my friends. the laugh, for your information, is a nervous one.

5. a book that made you cry.
the joy luck club by amy tan. i love the stories of four strong women and the struggle they overcome to raise four strong-willed daughters. inspiring.

6. a book you wish you had written.
aura by carlos fuentes. man, is he awesome. its the first ive read from him, and his writing style and the intricacies of the novel seduce me to reading more from him.

7. a book you wish had never been written.
im stumped. there are books i wish i had never bought, but written? what an honor it is to be published. i wouldnt want to take that away from anyone.

8. a book you are currently reading.
see number 6.

9. a book you have been meaning to read.
the fountainhead by ayn rand. it has been sitting on the shelf, and its title stares at me when i look at it over my laptop screen. i bought it to read in high school, and guess what? still havent done it. can anyone say procrastination?

tag five people: jaimie, tiffanie, megan, jacob, and jp.

turning point

i text message him and call him on friday, but he doesnt return any of my attempts, so naturally i figure that he is done with this thing.

i vow not to bother him again, so on saturday, i go about my day. i miss him, and my curiousity takes the best of me. he is on my mind, but i make no move to contact him.

in the afternoon, the boy and i head off to a family gathering, which is actually fun. i miss my family. i miss the innocents who are now entering college. there is so much time passing that i no longer know what they are doing, but yet, somehow, when we all get together, it feels like it is just yesterday that we hang.

he messages me at the party, and i am surprised and curious. through several exchanges, i find out that he spends time with the boy, and they both have lunch with the ex.

this, however, doesnt astonish me. i like that they get along, and i like that he respects her. i know he will always love her, and that is something i can handle.

i call him, and we talk. to be quite honest, he lets me talk. i am scattered. i miss him, i want to be with just him, and yet, im not.

you are such bad news for me, i start.

in what way?

in all ways.

im just curious, though. how am i bad news?

id like to tell you, but not now. thats a conversation for later.

bad news because i know that i am falling for him, and that i want him, God help me. im trying hard to dispel any fantasies that this is going to be anything more than what it is.

he is not available to me. he is still hurt, and he is still healing, and im past that. i want to open my heart again, to love again, to be with someone.

i let him go when he tells me that i am acting like a woman, which he says isnt a bad thing.

well, its your fault i am like this now. youre the one who makes me feel sexy and feminine.

it isnt a bad thing. i want you to feel like a woman.

yes, but i just realized something. it is so uncharacteristic of me to be like this. my natural inclination is to be a man, and yet, here i am. i have to go.

i think you misunderstood. but we will talk later.

i go back to the party, and i down two coronas. justlikethat. i was thirsty and frustrated and disappointed. i get buzzed, and because we are filipinos, we bust out the karaoke microphone.

we sing, the girls and i, we sing, and i dance. i dance like i dance the day before at the party. my family is surprised that im drinking and that im dancing.

i check the phone, and he sends me a message. i go back upstairs to talk to him. i am more relaxed now, so i can better communicate my thoughts.

we talk now, openly. i tell him that so many people base sex on connection, but sometimes sex just happens. there is no need for love, when there is apparent lust present.

he tells me he cannot sleep with someone with whom he has no connection, and i remind him that there is a difference between connection and chemistry.

i also tell him that there is a vast disparity between making love and fucking.

whats the difference? he asks me.

and this is in my opinion, mind you. with me, fucking is raw and and fast and passionate and dirty and hungry and sweaty and dark. but making love. making love is slow and sweet and nice and candles and incense and love and smiles and togetherness. its looking into each others eyes and finding each others hands and clasping them together and cumming together.

which one do we do?

and both of them are important in their own respects, so i cant really compare which one is better than the other.

which one do we do?

i mean, theres a time to fuck and a time when its right and good and thats making love.

which one do we do?

we make love.

good.

we make love, and we fuck, but most of the time, its making love.

im just making sure you know that.

we talk a bit more, then he invites me over later on that night after he gets back from a night out with his boys.

i receive these two texts from him at different times:
ask any woman who has dated a salvadorean, and she will tell you that we are possessive men and territorial men.

i dont want to or will ever fuck with your head.

i stay at the party until 1130 pm, and i text him when i am on my way home with the kids. he tells me to come over to join him at the rumba room.

i tell him to have a good time with the boys, and if it gets too late, that we can reschedule. he tells me that there will be no rescheduling because he wants to see me.

at 20o in the morning, i find myself driving to his house with two candles, a candle holder, bubbles, and crayola crayons. and a letter i write to him earlier. obviously, the bubbles and the crayons are for his boy.

he scares the shit out of me when he greets me, and he is a bit shy as we ride up the elevator to his loft. i present him with the gifts, and he seems genuinely struck by them.

he reads the letter last, and i know it touches him. he hugs me hard for a long time, and i move against him. he doesnt respond to this. i think he falls asleep, but he is just holding me.

i have two hours to spend with you, i tell him.

why?

i have to go home tonite. cant stay.

no.

no, i cant stay. im sorry.

why not?

i just cant tonite. i have things to do in the morning.

no. im not going to be like your other boys. youre going to stay with me, and we are going to cuddle, and in the morning, im going to make you coffee before you go.

thank you, but i really cant stay tonite.

you will.

and i do. i wake up early and call anapi to remind her that we are greeters tonite at church. then i call dines to ask her if we are meeting at the gym for pablos lift class.

i lie on his couch, and he finds me on his way to the bathroom. he pulls me back to bed with him when he finishes brushing his teeth.

we go back to bed, and we fuck. it is amazing. we make love, and it really is beautiful.

but here i am now, remembering that i want a relationship now, needing it more than ever, and knowing that i cannot continue doing this.

he is not ready, and it really doesnt matter because i know that it is not him i am meant to be with. i can try to make him fit this image of what i want, and i will be guilty of what i accuse november of doing. i will not be hypocritical.

i have been keeping my heart out of this, and i love it. but the more i stay with him, the more i see him, i fear i will be unable to just see this for what it is: sex with a bit of friendship.

but i dont want something unbalanced. i want a man now, and i am willing to extend myself. it is a scary thought, but i want it to try my hand at it.

i have to clear the way for a man who is going to be my partner for life. that means i have to end this with willal. dammit.

sheer madness

today, between 930 a.m. and now (1 oclock p.m.), my mind kicks in autopilot because things become hectic.

i do not know where people started coming from, giving me their work, and i wonder what is happening.

i have to remember to breathe. i think this is my problem. i do not breathe enough.

my room is empty now, but it still seems loud. i have to settle down. thank God gaya isnt here. she goes crazy again on me yesterday, and i am no longer putting up with shit. my own or other peoples.

im going to try to center myself now, try to really be in touch with my core. have a great afternoon.

i have to turn in some film.

i have to relax.

i have to breathe.

my temptation

i take a cpr class today with my a few people, including my friend. dammit.

i cant seem to depress these feelings of overwhelming attraction for him, but i can control them. i dont know what it is, but he just has this quality about him that is so amazing and hot.

he is gorgeous. but that isnt it at all. hes funny, hes a smart ass, and hes so sweet. i wish he just continued to keep it professional, but im sure, im sure if either of us had a chance with each other, we would take it.

what happens today

i go to barnes and noble and spend $45 on books. finally.

ive got a carlos fuentes novel, aura; letters to a young poet by rainier maria rilke; zen and the art of motorcylce maintenance by robert m. pirsig; and the priestly sins by andrew greeley.

i buy the boy books six and seven of the pendragon series.

ive wanted to get to b and n for the longest, but time really has been of an issue.

i go to the bookstore to relax. we go every sunday before when the exbf is here. the boy hates it, i remember, but i make him go.

today, it is very stressful preparing for an interview at polytechnic hs, then driving to the interview and getting delayed. but it is good to see patehr again, this incredibly retired administrator who i wish i get a chance to work for.

the panel is a fun, tight-knit group. i make them laugh when they put me at the head of the table by asking them if i get to use any lifelines. that breaks the ice. at least on my part.

i do not hold any expectations of getting this position. i want it, though, i want a change, a new challenge. i want to stretch my boundaries. ive outgrown current place of employment.

if it is meant to be, i know i will be offered a position. keep your fingers crossed and send me some good vibes, please, y'all.

what i want now in a relationship

i want someone to know me, to know my core, to know what makes me weak.

i want to learn how to be in a relationship, how to stand still when i feel my spirit is moving fast and daring me to chase it, how to love someone as opposed to lust after him.

i want to breathe in his scent from the sheets after he leaves the bed in the morning, to feel his touch even when he is miles away, to hear his voice even in my dreams.

i want to listen to his stories of his grandmother, of his first love, of his deepest hurt.

i want my name to escape from his lips when he is happy, when he is in pain, when he is cumming.

i want to fuck him, to make love to him, to suck him.

i want him to know my body, to discover the spots that need to be bitten, to lie next to me naked every night.

i want to hold his hand, to graze his face with my own, to move against his body whenever i can.

i want his respect, his trust, and his honesty.

i want to lean on him, to honor him, to tickle him.

i want him to worship with me, to pray with me, to exalt God with me.

i want him to be with me now, to be with me tomorrow, to be with me forever.

and because i know what i want, i cannot settle for any less. it is going to be difficult to not speak to willal, but slowly, weve been cutting it down. its fate.

i hate this feeling. when things end, i feel spent. and theres no reason at all to end this thing with willal. its easy, fun, not too consuming. but i want a normal relationship now.

what i offer is pretty simple. i offer all that i am, my fidelity, my loyalty, my love.

i offer my insecurities, my strengths, my hopes.

i offer family, home, comfort.

i offer adventure, wildness, excitement.

i offer routine, a lifetime of getting to know each other, understanding.

i really need this right now. so if this is what i want and need, what i wish for and long for, then i have to live my life accordingly.

might i suggest

yesterday, i buy two xbox games for the boy, and i buy three girly movies for me: imagine me and you, derailed, and the family stone.

if you havent done so already, please rent the last one. ben stone is the man that i would marry, as he is pefect. i love the cocktail mix of goofiness, nerd-like intelligence, sensitivity, and courage. if you know anyone like him who is single, please send him my way.

the other two movies were pretty darn good also. i havent used the dvd player since i have cable and pay up the wahzoo for it, but lately, im into watching something that i wont be able to flip through the channel for.

willal makes me addicted to two more shows: weeds and rescue me. they are both hilarious and smart, quick and clever, and i love them both.

im turning into a couch potato. i need to stay out of trouble for awhile.

the secret about this virgo

we talk last night, willal and i, about relationships. not specifically ours, but in general.

you have trust issues, dont you? i begin.

yes, i do. of course.

listen, so do i. but with you, im learning to not let it distract me.

thats a good thing.

it is absolutely. have you ever conquered anything in your life?

yes, lots of things.

and how do you feel after?

i feel incredible.

i do, too. i feel so proud and pumped. you know that feeling?

yes.

thats how im going to feel when you finally trust me.

wow.

but i know that trust is earned, and you dont know me well enough yet for me to earn that trust. in time, you will either trust me or you wont. either way, its perfect.

we go on to discuss how busy he is, how much his time is dedicated to his son, which is why he hasnt dated.

i dont think thats the reason, love, i say.

oh? what do you think is the reason?

well, i completely agree that your time isnt your own right now because your son is so young. he needs you more than anyone right now. but the real reason is, i think, because youve still got to heal from your hurt, and you arent ready yet. that is the real reason, i think, and everything else is just an excuse.

yes, you are right. you know why i feel so good about this?

why?

because ive been honest with you about how i feel about relationships.

as i, with you.

i do not know where this will lead, and to be quite honest, i dont care. for now, it suits me well, fits my schedule, and satisfies me sexually and mentally.

he calms me, and he makes me feel so much the me i want to be. he is so wonderful when we are together, very accomodating, very attuned to me. its very much wanted and very much appreciated.

the thing about virgos, ive learned from the ones ive met, is that they need space. everything has to be slow, on their own time, on their own terms, and if they are rushed, they tend to hide in their inner sanctuaries.

i have some of those characteristics, but im more of a wanderer. and time for me is quick, not very infinite, but important regardless.

when summer begins, i am still in my depressive funk that i dont make plans or expect much from life. however, by the grace of God, the film lifts about a month ago, and i begin to live again.

ive met a few distractions, but nothing significant until d and willal. and for them, i am grateful. and if they are just summer flings, ill take them.

summer ends next week, though, and i do not know. i think i need to give up the boys for the fall season, but keep only a few of the good ones. can i get one more in before the summer ends?

perhaps...there is a launch party on friday, and i want to go. the crowd will be a bit different, but exciting, nevertheless.

panic is a four-letter word

the problem i seem to have is an inability to wait. i tend to want to rush things with my career, my life, my boys. i do not know what causes a stir in me that makes me feel restless.

someone once asked me why i want to get to the last chapter while im still on the first page? well, not in so many words, but in enough words so i get the message.

i apologize in advance if this seems very jumbled. i am functioning on three hours of sleep and lots of orgasm.

last night. yesterday, actually. i am with anapi and jado, and i realize how great friends i have. jado fixes my car, and he is so sweet and patient about it. all it costs me is a shirt and a ratchet set. whatever the hell that is.

on a side note, anapi and ricky baby sleep with each other last night. just so you know. wow. i mean, he is hot, but hes also a youngun. anapi has a how-stella-got-groove-back moment, and i dont think she knows how to deal with it.

havana nights is fun. there are some wonderful people in this world, and it takes time for me to recognize them sometimes.

willal finally calls me when i am working at havana nights, so i go out to talk to him. the thing is i am so pissy about misaju. but i finally respond to misajus stupid email and tell him that i am seeing someone.

i truly enjoy being with willal. its easy, its fun, its simple. there is nothing more to say other than we are learning about each other, getting to know each other.

and the sex? phenomenal. experimental. satisfying. he says that i am sensual, and with him, i feel it. but you know.

i have this knack to run away when things start getting serious. and with every time we cuddle, we share more. and while this is how it is supposed to be, this is the time i fuh-reak out. scary.

i love his loft, did i tell you? i plan on taking pictures of his loft, and i plan on enlarging them and framing them so he can put it up around. he loves my pictures, and i want to give him something personal.

i write him a letter yesterday. doesnt say much, except i do give him the best of me. thing is we are both untrusting of each other still, but in time, we will either learn to trust...or not.

we both have issues. i mean, geez, who doesnt? but the issues are really deep, and while not impossible to work on, its just very difficult.

d emails me tonite. he is still so sexy to me. he really blows my mind. yesterday, anapi asks who i like better: willal or d. they are both so different, and im different with them. the levels on what attracts me to them cant be compared.

when i am with willal, i feel most myself. when i am with d, the one and only time, but with a promise of more, i feel resigned. wonderfully resigned to him.

i can never cheat on someone. it isnt me, it isnt my style. i am too honest. i know i would be able to pull it off if i were to cheat, but its too dirty.

willal disappears

its just as well. i dont know how it would have ended otherwise, except this way...to go peacefully into the night.

he thinks there is someone else, and i know this because i sense it, not because he tells me. and he doesnt tell me because he hasnt spoken to me.

virgos. they are all the same. we are in compatible, aquarians and virgos, and i put faith in that.

my car overheats on the freeway today, and surprisingly, i am calm as it does. jado and anapi help me out, and i love them to death.

have to get ready for havana nights at church. i have a social anxiety disorder, and i do not know how to deal with it, other than to face it. no matter what.

i dont even know what to wear, even though i spend tons of cash on clothes today. what do i buy? i dont know. shopping therapy, you know how that goes.

well, if willal is distancing himself, i have to accept that. i cannot force him to want me. hell, i cant even force him to call me.

i will meet someone soon. this i know. and he will be more attuned to me than all my past lovers.

and d cant make time right now to hang out. its all good because when he is ready, we will get together again.

hangin with the girls

earlier today, on my way to meet dines and anapi, i am in such a funky bitchy mood that i debate whether or not to get out of the house.

im glad i do because i am feeling so much better now. i need to laugh, and i think i havent done much of that lately. not that things are bad, but things just arent funny.

im a whore for funny. i am more attracted to someone who has a great sense of humor than a great bank account who looks pained everytime he smiles. but the delicious thing that i love is when i make a guy laugh spontaneously.

i also talk to willal tonite. he is my secret for now, and i dont know what i would write about him, except that he and i have the best sex, and i try things with him that ive never wanted to with others.

but its not just about that. its also about friendship. genuine caring for another. i think this has been missing in my life.

im not saying this is anything more than what it is moment by moment. if he meets someone who will love him more than i could, then i would want him to be with that person.

and if i meet someone who will make my spirit soar and my soul sing, then i would hope hed want me to be with that person.

its simple really. i want to keep it simple because its the only way i know that is manageable. i cant do drama because it is too scary. i dont do anything heavy because i dont have the time to invest in a relationship.

so, for now, this is perfect. this is a nice easy pace, and i enjoy everytime we are together. its a good thing, a wonderful two-week thing, and i dont want to give it up.

not yet anyway. when things change, then ill reconsider. but for now, easy breezy lemon squeezy.

stop

i have to capture myself again because for the past two weeks, ive been all over the place. while i am not a boring person, and in fact, i welcome some boringness in my life from time to time, i do not like too much excitement and running around.

my nature is to go out and to have fun, but i always make sure to spend with myself and the boy. i havent invited any friends over to my house for years now because this place is my sanctuary. and besides, i hate hanging out in homes. if i go out, i want it to be with friends amongst strangers in unfamiliar lands and to have fun and be carefree.

the last two weeks, ive had about four dates. and two of them turns out to be fantastic boys. but here i am now, feeling extended and needing to absorb everything and finding some quiet time.

d is a sexy, wonderful, creative lover, but i dont hold much hope of seeing him again since he hasnt contacted me. nor have i contacted him.

its just easier this way. kiss kiss bye bye. no need to make a strong chemical reaction into a connection. i am not so careless as to give my heart away.

there has been another, but ive been reluctant to expose him to the blogworld or to real life. he is an amazing person, truly a sweet soul, and while i know that i could keep it light and continue, i want something else.

dating has shown me that what i want and what i need is not about quantity. its about quality. ive never been married, and to be quite honest, it hasnt been my priority.

but i find now, as i get older, i would like to experience that kind of closeness with a man. im digging the thought of waking up and sleeping next to the same person for the rest of my life. i want to feel the same lips kiss me time and time again.

i used to find this boring, a sort of ennui i am not ready for. but i am evolving and maturing, and what i find drab then becomes a bit more colorful now.

ive never been one for routine. but i see the comfort in it, the excitement of it, and the need for it.

am i ready for marriage today? no. hardly. not even with the "right person."

however, i am willing to give it some thought. which i have been doing lately. just thinking, imagining, hoping, craving.

and if the need becomes overwhelming...what will i do? i dont know. i would hope that i do the right thing.

misaju. i am mistaken for having thought he had disappeared. he emails me the most boring stuff. i have never been physically attracted to him, and his emails make me not want to see him.

hes very arrogant in thinking that i want to pursue this just because he wants to. he never takes me into consideration, doesnt make me feel like a girl. he makes me feel like i have to fend for myself against him because he doesnt really care.

he is really guarded, and i follow his lead. i dont even know why he has an attraction to me. ive made myself very incredibly unattainable, and lets not talk about me being a challenge.

because im not. im easy. if you know how to do it right, you can have me. you dont need to wine and dine me, i find that so common.

if you want to get me, you have to get my mind first. and foremost. not my heart. that will follow quickly and easily.

im a sucker for kindness. not pussylike sweetness. just kindness towards others and towards himself. this is what initially attracts me to willal.

i am also weak for someone who will allow me to be free to do what i want and what i have to do. someone who wont disrupt my life by conquering it completely (november), but will quietly come in and spend time with me.

i find this confidence very sexy. but yet, i have a hard time finding this quality in men. believe me, i search for it, but its very elusive.

im not lonely. i have plenty of things to do with different people to do them with, but sometimes, i prefer to do things alone or with the boy. its because i am always so busy it seems that it makes me feel i have to go into protective mode.

but im tired now of doing the same things with the same people. i want to meet new people, listen to different types of music, trying out new things.

this is really what i want. i think i need to do this. but where? how? when?

school starts again in two weeks. oh, and guess what? i get a call yesterday from a high school to see if i want to interview for a counseling position. it will be a great interview, but at the end, it will be inevitable that i hear they want someone who is fully credentialed.

this might be a bit different. a lovely instructor recommends me, and i feel honored that she remembers me. its been a year since i take her class, but she has a great mind, and i am so awed that she would not only think of me (as she promised she would) but actually give my name and number to someone.

she is a consultant for the district. a very highly respected position. and her word is gold. i would never disappoint her.

i have to sweat out all of my anxieties now. thanks for allowing me to vent and for reading.

my friend visits

i see him, and it is no mistake this time. i catch my breath, and i wonder what he is doing here.

and why is he walking towards my room?

i turn my back to the door as it opens, and i pretend to be very concerned about the placement of a student. he stands behind me, i can feel his stare, but i dont turn.

i wait. i talk to the student, tease her about moving to another room, and when i feel i have the self-confidence to look at him, i turn.

he is so beautiful really. so handsome, and it really takes me away. i go to him, say hello, and hug him. no awkwardness, no hesitation, just a really strong hug.

and get this: HE HUGS ME BACK. HARD. with the same strength almost.

ive learned to be a better hugger the past year. i used to be afraid and disgusted of being hugged by anyone except my son, but after search, i cannot leave a place without hugging someone.

so, i realize he is hugging me, and i break free of him. carfi sees this, and he is silent.

my friend and i are talking a mile a minute, talking over each other, trying to catch up. he just got back yesterday from the motherland, he tells me.

i tell him i have to tell him about my adventures with a vaporizer, and he says he uses it all the time. and he asks if thats it, if thats all i have to tell him.

there is more to say, i have a secret that i havent yet written about or said much about in my real life because i am trying to make sense of it all, but i dont say anything.

he tells me how hot the women are in the motherland, but that they dont look twice at him because the men all look the same as him there.

i dont think you all look alike, i start. ive met many of your people, and you are the best looking one ive ever seen.

he and carfi are quiet. i take out the omega trail mix i purchase the night before from trader joes, and i offer it to both boys. my friend asks if there is anything else i want to tell him, and i tell him that there is a child around.

there are no children around. carfi isnt a child. come on, tell me what else.

okay, well, i thought about you saturday and monday night because i was at a loft. my friend has a loft in la.

what do you think? good?

yup, but the one i want is going to be better.

someone gives carfi a pen with a foot at the tip. i ask him where he gets it, and he says something odd. he says he wants to spank me with it.

my friend mentions that it looks like a dildo (he must not have seen many dildos because this pen is thin and would please no woman who knows how to use a dildo).

a dildo? this wouldnt even find a gspot if it had mapquest directions and triple a triptix.

really? no way...wow, i must be in trouble.

uh, i dont know...i, uh, wouldnt, uh, know, uh, about that. god, i just had a visual of me holding your penis.

i move away from him so i can blush in private. he is suggestive again, and because it is so out of character for him to be so, i love it. if he made a move on me, i do not think i would have the willpower to say no.

but unfortunately, he says in a text message in july that he wants to keep things professional. however, on his way out, i hug him. i hug him hard, and i linger there. he doesnt make a move that signals discomfort or pain at being touched by me.

lets see what the new semester brings. if my schedule is changed, there wouldnt be much opportunity to hang out, but i would hope that we would.

i hope that we develop a new friendship, different from the one last work year, and that a trust is cultivated and maintained between us.

ive never looked forward to a new work year with such fervor as i do now. i think there is a reason for me to stay, and it has nothing to do with the people who work there. i believe that it has everything to do with me and my development.

sunday night with d

i go to his house late because i am anxious, and i try to calm myself by blogging about our impending meeting. i love his voice as i talk to him on the way there. i realize that it reminds me of my friends.

when i get there, he comes to my car, and he greets me with a kiss on the mouth. the taste of the orange orbit gum he is chewing lingers in mine.

god, you smell good, d says.

thank you. i took a shower for this special occassion.

me, too.

he is tall, and he is different from the pics he sends me. but i am attracted to him still, and i want to so much be with him.

his build is my favorite on a man. he is about 5'11 and 180 pounds. i love big frames because i feel so secure in arms that fully embrace me and a body that completely covers me when he is over me. this attraction makes me lose my breath.

he leads me to his studio, and he gives me a tour. my nervousness is unneccesary because he is sweet and calm.

he stands behind me as i look through his collection of books, art work, dvds, and as he does, he strokes my arm up and down. i naturally lean on him, and i am sure that we are going to end up being naked.

he asks me if i want to watch a video, and i choose the fourth installment of the life out of balance series - bakara.

he puts it on, and i sit on the bed. he sits next to me, and he strokes my arm. i look at him, and i move slowly to kiss him.

his kiss. hungry, wet, passionate. im wet just thinking about it as i write this. i respond so naturally to him, to his touch, to his voice.

i ask if i can get under the blankets because it is how i normally watch tv - under the covers with as little clothing as possible. i strip off the two items of clothing im wearing and toss them on the floor. i am naked.

he takes off his clothes, too, and i look at the pile hoping that more piles like that will be made. he is naked. he walks around his space to turn off the lights and to bring a candle closer to the bed.

he slips in next to me, and he looks at me intensely. he moves my hair out of my eyes, and he kisses me. sweetly, at first, then it becomes harder. his mouth moves to explore my body.

he finds my breasts first, and he begins to suck on them. he moves down, and he is sucking on my clit and fingering me at the same time. i am so lost now, lost in the thought of him doing what he is doing to me.

when he finally stops, he moves up to my body. he lies next to me and allows his hands to roam and touch my tits and my hair and finally, he finds my clit again. he holds my leg down with his own.

he brings me to orgasm, manipulating my clit and kissing me as i cum and holding me down as i writhe against him. powerful. exciting. surreal.

he moves over me, and i want him in me. he kisses me and wiggles my legs open. he is kissing me and pushing against me when i feel his cock enter me.

glorious. entrancing. my pussy accomodates him, and he closes his eyes as he moves in and out of me. he tells me how good i feel, the wetness of my walls welcoming his hardness.

we rock together, and he sucks my tits as he fucks me. it is so fast, intense, and i feel connected to him right now, not aware of anything.

music is playing in the background, and i move to its rhythm. it is techno, or i think it is. he is responding to me, fucking me hard.

he holds my hands down to keep me from moving around as he bites my shoulders.

harder, i command. he does as hes told.

harder and deeper...

baby, he says. he bites my tits, my shoulders again, and i know i am going to be marked.

he cums on my stomach. i love the feeling of the warmth of his cum, the way it spurts on me. i love watching his face tense up then relax. he collapses on top of me, and he lies there for a second.

when he recovers, he gets up and goes to the bathroom. my eyes are closed, i am spent, but i hear the water running. i hope he doesnt mind me sticky because i do not have the least bit of energy to get up and clean myself.

he comes back, and i feel a warm towel on me. he is actually cleaning me up. he does it so slowly, so lovingly, and i let him. he dries me up, and then he takes the towels back to the bathroom.

he comes back and lies next to me. he lies on his side to face me, while i lie next to him on my stomach, my head on my arms. he moves the hair from my face, and i look at him with half open lids.

are you okay, baby? i ask.

wow. yes...

i kiss him on the lips, and i feel that sensation of wanting him again. i want to have him again, but instead, i ask if i can massage his hands.

we explore subjects that will somehow get us to know each other on a level that is personal. we talk about work, being busy, living in another city. i continue massaging him.

i would totally love to live in san francisco, i say.

i can see you up there.

oh? why?

because you are so creative, passionate, sensitive. it would suit you. but i hate it up there.

oh...why?

quite simply, the weather, the pretentiousness, etc.

i massage his hands, and i move to his forearms. he is becoming relaxed, so i continue massaging the rest of his body.

he makes sounds when i hit the right spot, and we continue talking. he is on his stomach, so i kiss his back, his shoulders, his neck. i suck on his delicious skin.

you smell so good, he tells me again.

thank you. i want my scent to linger on your sheets.

i washed them earlier, so i wont wash them again until next week.

baby, i want you to inhale me, and in the middle of the night, when you are tired, i want you to remember my scent and this night.

i will. god, you are so soft.

i get off of him, and lie next to him. he kisses me hard and then softly. he kisses down my chest, my stomach to my clit. he slips a finger in my ass and another in my cunt as he licks my clit. i cannot think of anything else except that HE IS THERE. and i am here with him.

i move my hips to meet his mouth. his fingers move deeper into me. i pull his face up to mine so i can taste myself on him.

he kisses me hard. i love the way he kisses. it isnt rough, but it isnt gentle either. like goldilocks, i found it just right.

i turn on my stomach, and i move a leg to the side while keeping the other straight. he fucks me this way, lifts my hips up so he can enter me. he starts moving against me, and i move against him to a rhythm that seems as if we had been doing it forever.

then something incredible happens. he leans down to the middle of my back, and he bites me. i arch my back, feeling the burn, wanting more.

OH, GOD...what are you doing to me? i ask.

he doesnt respond with words, but with a slap on my ass.

WHAP!!!

WHAP!!!

WHAP!!! WHAP!!!

my ass is stinging, and my back is burning. my pussy is convulsing around his cock as i cum. his cock is so deep in me, bumping against my gspot, enticing another orgasm to come out.

he bites me again. he has one hand on my hips, another one on my tit. he cups my tit, and he finds my clit. it is so fast and furious, but it is so goddamn good.

he finds my arms and grabs them to hold me down as his body pushes against me. he is holding me down hard, and i hope there will be bruises to remind me how much he needed to restrain me.

he moves his hands to find my fingers, and he interlocks his fingers with mine. he is kissing my neck, and the thought of him holding my hand this way in the middle of sex pushes me to another level of intimacy.

baby, baby, baby, i am going to cum.

cum on my ass, baby, my ass and my legs. i want to feel you.

a few more thrusts, and he pulls out. i wait a few quick moments before i feel his cum on me. he presses his cock on my lower back, and it is so hot, and it is pulsating quickly.

when he finishes, he lies over me, skin on skin with a tiny veneer of his juices. he finds my hands, and he clasps them in his. this is so intimate that it drives me crazy.

he gets up again, and lets his fingers linger on my arms before going to the bathroom to get the towels to clean me up.

i cannot tell you how i love this kind of attention. i love guys who know how to be a man in bed and out of it.

we lie there, talking. he tells me about his scars, how he was in a coma for seven weeks, and how his friends kept vigil.

i worry more about his mother, who seems to love him so much. she comes from new york every other week to see him.

he takes my fingers and traces a pale line that runs horizontally down the middle of his chest.

open heart surgery, he explains. and this one, from the tubes. and here from another operation. all in 2003.

wow, i love them. i love that your body has these marks. im sorry that you had to go through so much pain to get them, but i love them.

it freaked people out, and for about six months after my hospitalization, i would be so angry when people stared. now i dont care. i walk around with no shirt on.

thank you, baby, for sharing.

i kiss them, and i run my tongue on his scar lines.

thank you for the pictures you sent to me. the cock shot was really interesting. unnecessary, though, because it isnt the size...its what you can do with it that impresses me.

i sent that to you so that you wont be surprised to know that i shave.

why would i care that you do? i shave, too.

i had an exgirlfriend who thought it wasnt masculine to shave.

thats why shes an exgirlfriend. hey, did you know i would end up in your bed tonite?

honestly, i didnt know. i was hoping against hope, and i knew you were very sensual and creative, and i wanted to. your emails were so good.

really? thank you. in an alternate universe, i would be a photojournalist.

dont say that. this universe isnt done yet.

youre right, but im not about to traverse around the country or even internationally.

you dont have to. just start in your backyard or something.

youre right. i want to have a show with my photos. im taking a class, so im hoping that i can do it in november.

you should try. hey, thank you so much for giving me a massage. next time, i promise to give you more attention.

dont worry, honey. i know youre tired, and i wanted to help you relax.

its been very busy. seven days straight, and three more next week. but ill give you a massage the next time.

at this point, i want to stop all conversations of the next time because i do not want to anticipate that. if it doesnt happen, i will be so disappointed. i want to see him again so badly. to do more things with him, and to have him be attentive to me.

i am so attuned to your body, i say, that i think if we were to do something ordinary, i would have to touch you in some way. like if we were at the library, id have to have you touching me.

thats a nice thought...you giving me head in a library.

between the stacks, of course. but thats not what i meant by touching.

i know. but it would be fun. hey, baby, you gave me such a great massage that i am three minutes from passing out.

are you kicking me out?

no, i want you to stay, but i am no good tonite.

oh, you were very good tonite, but i understand. im tired, too, so ill head off.

its just that i want to walk you to your car, and i wont be able to in a few moments.

okay, got it. hey, lets do this again.

of course.

he gets up from the bed, and i follow him. i pull on my camouflage pants and my black tank top. i put on my amethyst bracelet and my silver cross necklace. i find my black flipflops and slip them on. i pick up my jean jacket, and i wait.

he only has his pants on, one sock, and he is sitting on a chair. god, he looks so tired. i hand him his shirt.

thanks, it would have taken me some time to pick that up.

come on, hurry before you fall asleep on that chair.

youre right.

he finally is presentable, and we are ready to leave, but first, he shows me a cd cover that looks really cool and the vinyl cover that is its identical twin. he has great taste in music.

you have homework for me, darling, i say.

oh? what is it?

i want you to burn a cd for me of music you think i would like.

you got it. i promise i will do this.

we head out, and he walks me to my car. he gives me a hug and kisses me on the lips. he grabs my face, and he pulls it close to kiss me on my forehead.

i get into my car as he is telling me directions back to the freeway. he smiles when he realizes that i know my way. but he admonishes me to not use my cell, to not talk while im driving ever, and to wish me a safe trip home.

i cant think of another way to start off a new week. d is an amazingly sweet lover, and i hope to see more of him again.

off i go

i want to be with d, but instead, i am having dinner with willal. he is so awesome, willal, and i hope that he and i can always be friends.

d is in my thoughts right now. i miss him. i miss his touch, his voice, his body. i miss his bed, his kiss, his hands. but he isnt available to me. this i know. this i accept.

the good thing is now i know what i want. he shows this to me.

and it isnt willal, but i love willal. i need willal right now. i need that friendship.

d

im on my way to see him, this deliciously divine man who i know will break my heart and make me want him even more.

he calls me today when he gets home from work to tell me the directions to his house. i love his voice. i can listen to him all night. there is a slight accent, i cant place it, but its there.

i wish i can go back to the time when i didnt know that i want him, and maybe after tonite, i wont want him anymore, but i know this is a lie.

i have not been affected on this level for so long. yes, there have been others in the past two years, but this one, this d slows me down. makes me feel mellow.

i want him, desire and passion and rawness. i want to kiss him, to taste him, to feel him against me. i know that all i have to do is get into my car and follow the yellow brick road to him.

i do not know cognitively what it is that attracts me to him. the pictures? ive seen many gorgeous guys before, so it isnt that.

his words? yes, possibly. the subtlety, the promise of what he is going to do to me. the way he shares his thoughts with confidence and with such implicitness turns me on.

sometimes, when i am intrigued by someone, i do not just fuck with my body. my mind gets involved, and because it is so powerful, it brings me to orgasms quickly and intensely.

this is what d does to me. i know nothing, absolutely NOTHING, about him. he tells me things about his life and his activities, but i get so lost in the melody of his voice, the rhythm, the tone that i hesitate to ask him to repeat it because i dont want him to think i am not listening.

because i do listen. i listen with my heart and with my mind. and this is dangerous territory for me. i am insecure about what to say because i know i will intellectualize every little detail. that is what happens when my mind is involved.

but how can i help it? this man is a man. not the boys i am so used to playing with. i vainly think i can catch up, and i know i can, but still, it is different.

my lips are tingling. i know they search for his now, so i will tear myself away and make myself get into my car. i am nervous about seeing him, about practicing a bit of self-control, about not throwing myself at him right away.

i want to hear him speak. i want to hear the hesitation in his voice as he seeks for the words he needs to communicate his thoughts. i want to hear his laugh - oh, lets not get started on that - see how his mouth forms as that beautiful sound comes out.

i am fucked. i am fucked because he is too busy to get into anything. and not that i have a cornucopia of time myself, but he closed the possibility in an email he sent this morning.

i want more of him, even before knowing anything about him. i want more of him because he is the food for my mind, my skin, my protected heart.

sexy epitomized

he calls me today when he comes home from work as promised, this delicious boy who i exchange emails with last night. his voice is sexy and soft, yet the message it carries is one of intelligence and desire.

i want him, i really do. i have not wanted someone this immediate with such hunger and such need. i want him so badly, feeling my body right now respond to our impending meeting.

tomorrow, 6 or so. i cannot think of anything else, although i will be meeting willal later. i feel nothing for willal, nothing at all. i know that it is going to be a great time with him nevertheless, but i want d.

d. he is so delicious, delightful, dreamer. he is smart, this i know. he is busy, he is sweet.

he reminds me of igra, the way he talks about his job. he reminds me of exbf, the way he takes the time to explain things to me. he reminds me of november, the way he remembers the things i tell him. he reminds me that it is time to open my heart again, the way he makes me feel.

i tell dines today that i am ready now for a relationship. i want to have the routine again, to know that i will sleep and wake next to the same body for the rest of my life. to feel his kiss, feel his touch, know his voice. i want the familiarity of his skin next to mine on the couch, in bed, in the shower.

i want to pray with him, to worship with him, to seek for God everywhere with him.

i want to meet this person now, to stop this craziness of meeting random strangers for dates. i have been fortunate. the strangers have actually been kind. i love it. but its time.

it will happen, i know. soon, i know. i feel it. i sense it. i pray over it.

so true

i will love the light for it shows me the way. i will love the darkness for it shows me the stars.
-og mandino

serial dating

this coming from a girl who hates the term dating, i have to confess that i am a serial dater. in the last two weeks, ive gone out with four guys. there is only one ive kept close, and i think we are going to see each other tonite.

last night, i have the pleasure of exchanging emails with d. he sends me four pics, all so glorious, except the cock shot. he compliments my writing and my creativity and my sexiness.

we make plans to meet tomorrow. i ask him what if we do not have a physical attraction to each other. he says that we dont have to worry about that at all because he is attracted to my mind and my words as it stands.

this guy is gorgeous. and his writing, too, makes me wet for lack of a better word. i will hear his voice today at 4, and i know this is going to be one great time.

stay tuned....

sexiness

willal makes me feel so feminine in a way that i dont even know. he is subtle, he is honest, he is real. and i reciprocate.

to me that is what is sexy. to be open and raw and accepted. to laugh and to talk and to touch. to feel and to think and to share. to kiss hard, soft, wet. to be in that space between sleep and wake, to have him move over me, to rock me hard then softly.

carfi flirts with me all day, and he made it so obvious to gaya who couldnt resist commenting on it. i do not know what it is that moves him about me. i have taken an interest in his talents and counseled him on higher education.

he is gifted, no doubt about that, but he also lacks guidance. i tell him that i wish his parents took interest in his talents and cultivated them when he was growing up.

he mentions that last week, he goes to the getty because i mention that i might be there. i tell him, no, i didnt have any plans of going there, but i tell him about it so that he can take his girls there.

carfi makes me feel sexy, too. he is so smart and creative. he can totally move me.

so tell me about yourself

your car isnt blue green. its silver, he says as he greets me.

its not silver. believe me.

we walk the block back to his apartment. he looks different from his picture, but who doesnt?

he leads me to his place. a small, neat comfortable area with candles lit. this is not necessarily meant for me, but it creates an ambience nevertheless.

we sit on the loveseat, watching something on tv, and i ask him to massage my hands. he does so, and it was mighty good.

he is playful, and i love this. it is easy breezy lemon squeezy.

he hugs me, and i let him. then i lie down across the couch, and he lets me rest my legs on his. i am tired tonite. i go to yoga then play tennis. i wish i were thinner, but i know that my body is forming into a more toned one.

after some nervous conversation, he leads me to his bed where he proceeds to fuck me hard. first, he gets on top of me, then he turns me over and pulls my hips into a doggy style position and enters me. he pushes my upper body down so that my ass is up in the air, and he fucks me.

it hurts, but it is a pain of pleasure that drives me to orgasm. he places on one on my shoulders and the other on my hips. he pulls my hair, and i am sent to another orgasm.

he lies next to me, and we talk. his hands play with my hair, and then he surprisingly moves over me again.

after two more sessions, i check my phone for any calls, and i notice a text from willal. we hadnt contacted each other all day, so i assume that he is tired of the game. i text him back, to tell him that i am good and to ask how he is.

i prepare to leave, and he gets dressed to walk me to my car. he asked me when he will see me again, and i feel so flattered.

while the sex is good, it isnt mindblowing. physically, it is raw, but there is no chemistry or connection. not like with willal.

orgasmic

walking into the armory, my spirit has found itself. the loft style of the building reminds me that my soul craves creativity, and that i belong here.

gaya is annoying to me lately. she is getting too big for her britches. i wont allow her to bother me, but i hope she gets a great job somewhere else. away from me.

i hope carfi comes tomorrow. he misses today, but i dont know why. i think i tell him that i am planning to miss today, so he does, too. he shouldve called.

i need to be in the creative field. fuck this nonsense at school.

Lord, help me find my way.

tonites the night

jado and i are taking a night fotografy class at the armory center. i am so excited, but until then, i have to do this damned trafficschool.com shit.

oh, well. i cannot wait, y'all. this is something that is going to wake my insides up.

and did i tell you? i love love love the way willal makes me feel. i love talking to him in spanish. i love the way he is.

this ive learned

1. no matter how big or small my bank accounts are, i hope i will never be overdrawn emotionally. of course, id like to see more zeros after a real number, but im okay.

2. insecure people are more dangerous than petty criminals.

3. i wont let my being nice be my downfall. it will be my strength and my shield.

4. a genuine smile melts evil. not always, but most of the time. and smiles keep faces looking fresh.

5. a genuine smile makes people think i got laid, even though its been awhile.

6. sexyness is an essence.

7. self-confidence buys me more things than dead presidents.

8. love is all around, not always in the packages im used to, but nevertheless, present.

9. everyone needs to be validated. even if i fucking cant stand their stupid asses.

10. i can look at people who i have no regard or respect for as if they were a window pane.

11. people either really love me...or they really dont like me. i elicit this much emotion from people. good or bad. and i like it.

12. pain is a pleasure ive recently discovered. now, i just need someone who is willing.

13. i love being slowly seduced and courted before being rushed into the horizontal dance.

14. i know the extent mothers are willing to protect their child...and willing to kill that child when he mouths off or displays disrespect.

15. i have an exceedingly huge crush on my 24 lift instructor, and when he comes by me during class, i blush because i imagine him naked.

16. there is the me who is intellectual, the me who is a whore, the me who is a mother, the me who is an educator, the me who is catholic, the me who is a family member. all have a time and a place for exposure.

17. i have a great attraction for people who can seduce me with written words.

18. i am wildly fascinated by people who have a talent with the spoken word without sounding like a bullshitter.

19. i admire people who live through their given circumstances as opposed to going around them or using them as defenses for being assholes.

20. excuses are like a**holes. everyone has them, and they both stink.

21. pet peeve: stupid people who are confident that they are smart.

22. arrogance is the first thing that turns me off about people. arrogance in looks, in abilities, in wealth, in possessions is so mindnumbingly embarassing.

23. i cant dislike people who dont know that they are stupid and arrogant. but i dont have to tolerate them, either.

24. i love that im not perfect. i just have to forgive myself for not being so.

25. sometimes, i dont mind cuddling. but only after really really hot sex.

between me and november

from me, 8:00 a.m. yesterday

just wanted to say hi...do you still like days like these. sorry i missed you on saturday.

from him, 4:26 p.m. yesterday

no problem. heard matthews in utah visiting his father. heard youre seeing someone. saturday was fun. take care.

from me, 4:30 p.m. yesterday

your informant is off - matt returned from SAC yesterday, and NO, im not seeing anyone. you always have to go to the source. trust no one. have a good one.

the carfi chronicles

i am seduced by carfi, and in turn, i am slowly seducing him. i love tuesdays and thursdays because it is just me and him.

i tell him today that i notice a change in him, and i will figure out what it is. he tells me he is the same, and he asks me what it is.

i dont know yet, but heres a secret. if you dont want me to suspect something, dont change your routine. thats how people get caught cheating...when they suddenly do something out of the ordinary, i tell him.

my black boybrief undies are bothering me today. i feel too constricted when i wear undies and skirts. i tell him i am going to take them off.

he sits next to me, reading a previous post while i slip them off of me. he doesnt react, and this is a welcomed surprise.

i do not do this to make him horny. it is more for me because i hate underwear. im not used to them. his non-reaction makes me trust him even more.

he hands me something, and his fingers linger over mine longer than i expected. he is so subtle that it is driving me crazy.

he tells me today that his girlfriend is unwilling to have sex with him. i suspect she is having an affair. i suspect he suspects the same, but he doesnt want to see it. it will hurt him too much.

we talk about sex a lot, but in a way two friends do. we are not suggestive to each other, but we are beginning to develop a connection and a chemistry that is passionate.

he is smart, introspective, and controlled. he respects me, and i respect him. i want to hang out with him more, but i know that in some way, he feels guilty.

i tell him that i need to get laid. this is fact, not invitation. i dont think he and i will ever consummate our friendship, but its nice to have him around.

willal texts me and calls me a lot. i am not attracted to him, but he makes me feel sexy and feminine. i like that. but i am not going to sleep with him. ever.

photography class is cancelled. that sucks, but jado and i will take a night photography class tomorrow night.

i am sleepy. i am horny. im going to call out carfis name again.