bits

my challenge...one of the biggest ones...is saying good bye.

this weekend, i found out that the exbf is now married, and i thought i would feel something, but i didnt. three years ago, i wouldve been stung deeply. now? not so much.

because i know that hes always wanted to meet someone, love her, and marry her. this was his grand plan with me, but i wasnt even close to that stage when we met. and im not even close to it now.

ive had so many jobs in this district in different capacities, and i believe its the nature of the beast to be transfered or to move to another school or something. i must admit, i sometimes look down on people who have been in the same position and/or schools.

tomorrow is the last day of my tribe being together in the center. its going to be so difficult to walk away, but i know we all must because really? we cant stay.

i met with my new team earlier, and it feels comfortable because i know them and laugh with them, but the truth is that my heart doesnt feel it. i keep wondering if im selling out by staying, and i think that if i have to ask, i know the answer.

its different, this type of saying goodbye. theres a bittersweet taste to it. and yet, throughout the past year, weve waited for this moment.

i know i have. especially during programming. and after getting the pink slips. i had already checked out, and now, i have to force myself to getting back on track.

wednesday will be my first day at the other center. im hoping that everything will be smooth. like no one would want to fucking enroll their kids during the summer when they should be hanging out and being kids.

but tomorrow will be very hard emotionally. we will all gather at bachs after work to just hang and say good bye.

so hate good byes.

quick notes

the past week has kept me busy, and its late into the night, so ill just make a list of things i need to talk about:

- today: met with an amazing photographer with a gorgeous house and an incredible studio in the house. she was so helpful, and her contagious love of photography and her willingness to share insights and resources and ideas and tips make her such a beautiful person. and her skin? flawless. shes like 7 years older than me, but her effervescence make her seem younger.

she gave me some great advice and encouraged me to pursue senior portraits that kids at work are asking me to do.

-today: went to san juan capistrano mission and captured some delicious images. i need to go back with my son and just take it all in. why i didnt do this years ago escapes me.

-today: igra is back in the picture. we are supposed to meet up at the end of this week because his gf will be visiting with her mother, and he said he has to remain local.

if he gets on my nerves, im not going. he tries too hard to be witty, and frankly? it bores me. hes never had to try before.

-yesterday: almost passed out at griffith park. must learn to breathe. but its so nice when a man massages my glutes with his elbows and then says in a whisper, if you want me to go deeper, its extra.

um, never had to pay for it before, dont think ill do it now.

ill keep him until the end of the year. kind of glad i have a job.

-last week: kk has been incredibly nice and accomodating, which is scary and nice. but why does she have to behave in extremes? oh, yeah, shes bipolar.

have an ugly infection on the ring finger of my left hand. if it falls off, will i never have to get married? better tell my fiance.

gotta get some sleep.

processing

pros: awesome work team, great slc, z time bucks, job, vacation time, new people to work with, good money

cons: shitty 4 x 4 schedule, starting at 7:25 am, NINTH GRADERS, pressure, stress, tension, poly, not being able to work on photography, traffic, rushing to pick the boy up from practice to take him to orchestra

to do: call the district, ask for my options, talk to carlo tomorrow during his conference period, finish programming, meet with the students for ab 1802, pack up, and leave

~*~*~

when im more stable and not in this completely shocked and anxious state, ill have to relate the conversation with kk and arbe that happened on friday at the tailend of the day.

i hate that im torn once again between money and happiness, and once again, i feel im choosing money.

i dont want to be irresponsible, especially with a child, but this sacrifice is going to cost me. i want to pursue photography. i want to do this, and i think i can. i believe i can.

~*~*~

i want to fall in love again. feel the strength of love and of arms and of his scent on me. its been awhile, and i dont want to forget hwo to be a woman.

ive been celibate for nearly two years, and i think this summer, i will end it. ive got to. the self-imposed exile is over, and its time to move on, to open up again.

i so love w for changing me, and i will thank him over and over. hes an amazing man, and i wish him well, wish that hes found someone who will change him the way he changed me.

but most of all, i pray that his heart has forgiven, and not so that he and i will reconcile, but so that he wont have to carry that around.

because i so love him.

thoughts: thursday and friday

thursday:

it was too early to have an extremely loud awards assembly, but man, did i have fun.

at the end, lorco announced me, and i got up to the podium, and after the applause and the rowdiness ended, i began with, i look out in this audience, and i think that two years from now, you will all be getting ready for grad night.

and my voice caught in my throat, and if it werent for the kids whooping it up, i would have started crying.

i dont want to be emotional, i dont want to feel the separation, and i dont want to have to deal with myself.

this has always been the problem - the need to not feel - in every and all of my relationships. even the ones that are overnight or pseudo or virtual.

and i know that this keeps me distant from not only men, but people in general.

can i keep living this way, separate but tied to many lives? family, friends, beautiful strangers...?

once, roca told me, youre opening up more.

this was years ago, when i first started therapy, and i was more able to open up. we were talking about the exbf, the situation i was, and i believe w was still in the picture.

i was telling shel the other day that i need to go back to therapy, to address these issues, to figure out what is going on with me because i want to get into a relationship now.

well.

no. id like to slowly without pressure go into something with a man who is strong and wont cave in and will love me. no. matter. what.

~*~*~

the math guy has gotten brave. today, on the way to lunch, he was practically holding my hand. which was kind of nice, except...hes got small hands.

at the lunch, i didnt sit by him, and i know he was watching and waiting for me, but i had to entertain my son who came to work with me today.

when my son went back to wait for me in my office, i said to lorco and marmu and others, come, girls, lets sit at the cool table.

he looked over. a lot. i know hes shy. i know it. but i dont want someone who cant come to me.

we ended up flirting heavily after, and i liked, it, but really? where would this go? its better to leave it alone.

at the end of the day, kk and arbe came to my office to talk to me about what ill be doing next year, which starts in july.

by the time they left, about 30 minutes later, lorco came out of her office, and said, the song thats been playing in my mind the last half hour was...pressure/pressure/under pressure/shining down on me...

i went to the math guys room to tell him about the pressure, and he said, stay. just stay. dont think about it. just stay.

look. you dont see this from my point of view.

so, i explained it to him.

im on my way to pick up lines to go to the casino. i need to destress.

fuck. i hope i win the jackpot so i wont have to go back to poly on july 1st.

hump day notes

the math guy was a bit flirty today, and it was kind of sexy.

the awesome janva had a little party at the senior glade, and she invited some people to get food. there was so much!

at the end of the day, i was walking past the math guys room, and we passed lorco and dba who were coming from the party with food. they invited him to go get some, and he asked me to go with him.

ive been already, i said.

come with me anyway.

okay.

you can fix me a plate.

i think you have me confused with a subserviant girl.

no, i dont.

im not going to fix you a plate.

when we got there, he seemed so fucking helpless, unable to find plates and a fork that were right in front of his face. i had to hand them these things, and he was loving it.

to be honest, so was i.

he was awkward scooping pasta on his plate, so i said, youre having difficulty, so you havent done this before. youre married, arent you?

no, im just used to burgers and fries.

i dont know if hes married. he doesnt act like it. and when he was telling me about his weekend at stateline to watch a boxing match, he didnt mention any women.

of course he should be with a woman. hes very sexy, and hes awesome.

he said to me today after i told him that i was leaving poly, i dont care where you are. we are going to get drinks, and ill go to your new school if i have to.

okay. we should.

murse mentioned going out, too, and i would except hes a kid and pretty sensitive.

cute, though, so we shall see.

i cancelled for friday with the cute little kid. this is becoming a bad habit, and i hate it.

i miss e. i want him to be unable to resist me.

over, sideways, and under

the past weekend seemed surreal, with everything going by so quickly that it didnt feel like it happened.

friday, i was so tired, but i wanted to keep myself awake until at least 8:30 pm for fear of being like a grandma. i checked my email and found a note from e. we jumped onto messenger, then the phone, and by the time we went to bed, it was 4:3o am.

saturday, i met dapel for lunch at our usual haunt. we sat in the restaurant for at least 3 hours before deciding to take his car to go to the arclight to watch the taking of pelham 123. it was so awesome there. the movie was really well acted, and i liked it a lot.

after, we went to a salvadorean restaurant he had mentioned before. the tamals were so good, and the pupusas were just yummy, but there was a lot of food, so i didnt finish mine.

when it was time to go back to my car, i began to feel a bit down. i dont know why, but i think i just really missed e. we had been messaging and emailing back and forth the whole day. i guess i wanted to be hang out with him, but the timing is off.

dapel pulled in behind me, and i realized my passenger side window was smashed into pieces. the only thing taken was a bag with a wallet, a calendar, my paycheck stubs...worth nothing except for sentimental value.

he stayed with me while i called the damned police to make a report. he even cleaned up the glass for me. it was so sweet.

i messaged e to tell him, and he wrote back: i told them to put the honing device outside of your car.

he called me, and we had a great conversation. hes really playful and funny, but he kept pushing me and putting pressure on me that at the end of the night. i was tired and quick tempered, and i couldnt deal with him anymore. i havent heard from him since. its just as well. im not ready.

the next day, hung out with lines and the kids at the park, then went home to get ready for father bills farewell mass.

i love st joes. my son loves st joes. its a cozy chapel, and i have so many good memories there. some of the memories, though, are of igra, and it brings me to a time when he and i were so close. but thats the past, and hes got someone now.

i bumped into a darling little boy who i hadnt talked to for a couple of years. he was walking with a cane, so i asked, what happened?

car accident.

you got messed up badly. so, youre married now or what?

how could i be married when im engaged to you?

uh. yes. this flashback happened in such rush: salesian gathering, talking to the buddhist outside, going back in to talk to my uncle and father bill, kidding around with the darling little boy, cupcakes decorated valentines day style, rings with stupid sayings on them atop the cupcakes, flirting around with the darling little boy, him on his knees, slipping a ring on my finger, me slipping a ring on his finger...

oh, gosh, i remember now, i squealed.

i still have that little ring in one of my boxes.

i dont anymore. i had forgotten where i got it.

we are going to get coffee on friday. to catch up. just for fun.

yesterday, he messaged me: it was good to see you and my adopted son. he seems like a good kid, but you raised him, so you get the credit.

oh, and did i mention that when we first met, he was discerning priesthood?

yeah, the kid is a virgin, and we are just friends. nothing more. nothing less.

~*~*~

in other news, i got my two pink slips rescinded.

king kong stopped me today to pressure me into staying. she wasnt even being nice about it, which makes it easier to tell her no, i wont be staying because shes a fucktard.

im grateful to have a job, but i wanted to pursue photography.

im going to go to hawaii to take a workshop. this is something i need to kick off my life as a photographer.

i can do this. i want to do it.

~*~*~

i like e. i miss e.

but e and i? both commitment phobes. in an ideal world, this would be a match, but in this one, well...

lets see.

i need to go back to therapy.

once

one of my favorite first times was with luro.

just to remind you, we met at corner bakery, flirted a little, then decided on a movie. on the way to his car, i became bold and asked, should we get the first kiss over now or later?

assuming that there would be any kissing. there was no indication that there was any attraction except that he didnt want the date to end.

so. on the way to the theatre, we debated whether to skip the movie and go back to his place because you see, the first kiss? it was amazing, sexy, and raw.

somehow, we made it to the theatre, and at the parking lot, we made out hard. we were hungry for kisses, his hands in my hair, my thoughts lost in the speed in which things were happening.

when we pulled apart, we made our way to the ticket booth, bought the tickets, and found our seats. it was in the middle of the afternoon, so we were alone in there.

and we teased each other for the next two hours. a few times, he whispered, m, lets go to my house.

no, luro, watch the movie.

are you sure?

i didnt want to watch the movie, of course, when his fingers were between my legs. i couldnt concentrate when he pulled my hands over his hard cock.

but somehow, we made it until the end.

and a few hours later, we fucked like we had known each other and had a fun time.

at the end of the day today, we attended a play put on by the fame slc.

math guy was there, subbing for a class. quinto and jaris wife came too, so i said hi to them.

i dont know how it happened, but math guy and i sat next to each other to watch the play. there was a bit of accidental touching of the legs.

he grabbed my hand when we were clapping, and he was whispering in my ear something i didnt pay attention to because his lips so close to me was distracting.

all it would have taken was a turn of the head. but neither one of us made a move. which is just as well because i think the tension between us has been too thick, and im not going to rock the boat when theres only ten days left of work.

when i got back to my office, i checked my email. d wrote: should i be madly jealous?

i responded: no need. neither of you are my type. you both are flirts. i like the strong, silent type. the deep thinker whose soul yearns for mine.

i mean this truthfully.

and i believe that im ready. so, i wait for him to come.

following the dream

first, to put down the business plan on paper, to make concrete goals, to set timelines, to visualize, to define steps, and to finalize what i want to do with photography.

second, when in big bear, im going to apply to different places. just for the hell of it. and look at some property. for the hell of it.

third, fall in love. with images. with thoughts. with sounds. with scents. with a man. in that order. because lately? i havent met anyone. at all. well, the math guy has been weird. i dont like drama, so im leaving that one alone for awhile. oh, and carlo? yeah, hes not interested. but said hed call me if he had a party at his place.

fourth, pay a visit to one of my old haunts. try not to spend money. except to get back to my project. which i will have to do.

and fifth, figure out what the hell im doing. and why.

math guy lacks sleep

he was a bit mad at me today.

when i walked into his class to drop off a student, he didnt look up. i said, hey.

he said, hey. wow, i cant believe you came in here to finally visit me.

i just wanted to see how everything is.

its fine.

the whole time? hes looking over some bullshit paper. doesnt look up.

then he said, let me get them started on something so i can finally talk to you. outside.

see, the thing is this. im wildly attracted to him. on looks alone, it wouldnt stand. but his sexiness is his accent and his essence.

so, today, we talked about predestination and free will and absolutes.

i told him i liked listening to his point of view because its different from mine.

he told me he hasnt recovered from the weekend, and ill excuse his behavior because of his need to rest.

but, the real reason he was pissed at me is because ive intentionally not gone to him. and yesterday, when i can feel him watching me, i didnt acknowledge him.

hes been spoiled with me coming to him, and yet, i think he wouldnt have it any other way.

this could get interesting.

discovering mystery and inspiration

much thinking and processing throughout the day and night has led me to a few conclusions.

first, this blog will become dark. ive outgrown it really, apparent when i reread posts that include so much growing pains in so many areas of my life: career, relationships, personal development. this blog has helped me lay it all out, but its time for the next phase of my life.

second, the person who started this blog has developed and emerged into an artist and a woman. it sometimes takes awhile for me to recognize the me now in what ive written. im no longer the girl who chased sex and ran away from intimacy. dont get me wrong, intimacy still scares me, and celibacy has been my way of life lately, but its time for that to change. when i first started this blog, i just dreamt of being a professional photographer. now, there are opportunities to make this happen. and im going to pursue them.

third, i need closure from who i was, and this is one way of doing so. many of the people ive written about here no longer exists in my daily realm, people who im so grateful to have had the pleasure of knowing. and even though our friendship or relationship has ended, there was a reason for them in my life, and i can only hope that i have affected them positively as they have me. three people who have gone dark in my life - dines, igra, and w - are three people who i know has changed me for the better.

fourth, i need a period to plan and dream and write in my leather journal. i miss my handwriting, seeing paper and ink merge. i miss sitting in a cafe and taking out my journal and writing what i witness. i have to retrain my mind to not depend on technology to engage me in my thoughts.

fifth, well. this one ill keep for the imagination.

good night, all.

ill be in touch.

untitled

what to do if one has outgrown ones life, the people, the routine, the surroundings, the way of moving from one day to the next?

what to do if one has outgrown conversations, flirtations, mysteries that were once intoxicating?

what to do if one has sat in silence, trying hard to hear the voice, and realizing that the voice is speaking clearly, and now action has to be taken?

what to do when home has once again become sanctuary from the outside world that seems so droll and cold and gray?

what to do when the allure of other cities become so attractive, the different sounds and experiences more and more seductive?

~*~*~

its a period of change right now.

a transition that is in its inception, and the beginning is always bleak. thats because i dont know what the end result is, and if i judge from previous beginnings, i know that everything will work out.

its just that growing pains are painful and uncomfortable.

but oh, dear God, its worth it.

~*~*~

july 1st will be one of the best days of this year.

the next best day will be the first day of a new job.

going up to big bear again for a week, and perhaps looking for a place to buy. im going to apply to the school up there.

this is going to be weird. i wouldnt mind taking pictures of people up there.

the lighting is great.