update

maguire courtyard dtla 12.2008 by agape+photography

i woke up an hour or so ago after falling asleep around 5 this afternoon. im still a bit groggy, and ill fall back asleep soon after i write.

this week found me having a mini crisis meltdown due to stress and lack of sleep, but im figuring it out. i find that being a single parent to a child with a strong desire to live his own life is so anxiety inducing, but you know? i dont want it any other way.

i have a crush on my photo instructor, and this is going to be a fun class. its going to make me stretch my creativity, challenge my technical stuff, and work on my confidence of showing my work to others.

tomorrow...or later today, i mean...will be a fine art/boudoir class while my son goes to football. he starts at 645 in the morning, my class is at one. he gets out earlier than i do, and the stress comes down to who will pick him up.

its fucking maddening. its a juggling act, and i hate it. this is my mantra: nobody said it would be easy, but it will be worth it.

~*~*~

they busted into my office the other day, the kids, and they wanted answers about this pink slip fiasco. they seemed genuinely annoyed, frustrated, scared, and it warmed my heart.

we are all selfish creatures, and of course, we wonder how this is going to affect us. individually. at our core. thats their fear. thatst their frustration.

they like me, and im lucky. there are some i dont like at all, little brats who are liars and think their cuteness will get them out of situations like its done so many times with their daddies, mommies, lovers. but not with me.

this week, one of my students who is also bisexual unburdened himself with this secret: he has bulimia. had a parent conference today where it was so difficult to tell him mother, but its my ass on the line if i dont say anything.

also this week, one of my other students said her mother was dying of cancer. her friend who was in trouble with her confessed that her drug dealer tweaks her out in between classes for free. i told her he was doing this so she can be addicted, but she believes she can stop at any time.

vida came by, and i realized the freedom key of the pink slip. i dont want to work with her anymore, and after being stuck for two hours in traffic this afternoon? i dont want to work in the valley anymore.

~*~*~

i want to work in the new high school, and i feel it might just work out. i want it. if its right, i will get it. this im not worried about.

but yesterday, i lost focus, and i spiraled. i could be depressed about this situation or see it for what it is: the universe moving for me because i wont.

i need to be kicked to the curb when things arent working out before i act. this is something about me that kills me. seriously? ive been bitching about my job since june of 2007, and ive mainly focused on the positive, but its time.

when i leave in june, itll be with lovely memories and friendships that have saved me and the gratitude of having the experience that i need to carry me to the next chapter.

im ready now. ready to soar, and the next three months will be great and maddening and bittersweet and amazing. i will make it so.

before bed

pasadena city hall 10.2008 by agape+photography

i got home twelve and half hours after i left this morning, and im drained.

tomorrow, my mother goes in for hip replacement surgery, and im freaking out. again. silently, inside. and this is a busy week, so i bury it deep within and not think of it. im good at doing that...at not dealing and pushing things aside. things that i need to deal with. priority.

i wont tell you about the hell day i had today, but i will say i got an awesome massage yesterday from a male masseuse who was very business. which was great because i needed to not talk for an hour. he was different from the female one i have. shes strong, and she hurts me in a good way, but this guy? it was all about massaging and kneading. he got my ass and the side of my breasts a few times, but nothing creepy.

so.

i made a decision. i need to get closure from all things past, and by this, i mean just one person who i love and will love for awhile. but its time to do what i need to do.

because you see, i want to fall in love now. its time. well, time is actually my enemy at the moment. im exhausted, and i dont have the energy to go out and meet anyone.

but i need it. i want it. its really time.

today, this special ed counselor flirted with me big time in a not so subtle way.

first, he said, you know im a counselor, so if you need a shoulder or something...

i laughed it off.

then, he said this when he was passing me a piece of paper, i do it real slow.

again, i laughed it off.

its the way he said it, the way the sex dripped off his words, lingering, inviting...and i wish i were attracted to him, but two things: one, the ring on his finger, and two, i dont want to get pulled into drama.

he was very touchy, and when he looked at me, i was floored. come on. really? i like that i still have some play, but i need something more.

i deserve something more.

okay. im going to bed.

i need to find a little place within to heal. if just for a little while.

breathe.

update

farmers market, south pas 03.2009 by agape+photography

its been a wild week, emotionally and physically, but id like to let you know that the feeling in my soul thats been pervasive is one of hope.

dont get me wrong. nothing is new about my job situation. no word about whats going to happen july 1st. however, i have found such support from ligor who i have seen as an advocate the past few days. im not alone in this fiasco, but even if i were, i know i am okay.

sometimes, i allow myself to think of the worst and to feel really bad and discouraged, but faith keeps me strong and driven.

i saw a 20/20 episode last night about the resiliency of the human spirit. if i had to deconstruct my being, i would find that the things i hold on to dearly are not made of material possessions that can easily be taken away or given.

my values lie in resiliency, in faith, in protection, in community, in love, in gratitude, in seeing the world from different perspectives, in culture, in the constant search for and discovering mystery and inspiration.

this is who i am, and i celebrate it.

which means this: im compelled to surround myself with people who have the same mindset, and those who dont, i find quickly annoy me and repel me.

one person that is out of my visual realm and from whom ive taken my friendship is dines. i truly believe that this pathetic, pitiful person is going crazy. if you knew the shit shes pulling, that shes pulled...well, lets just say my friends have wondered why i was friends with her.

so.

theres a lot of changes coming up as i expose myself to new things and new ideas. my mind tends to make plans, but sometimes, its better to just soar without limitations. overplanning sometimes takes away from creativity, and i dont want to miss the joy of unexpected miracles.

some things on the list that i have to do:

• revise the forty by forty one list
• install photoshop cs3 in a new table i have to buy
• plan a trip for my and my sons birthdays on his spring break
• research photojournalism volunteer trip
• apply to a job in japan
• do mundane work stuff that i will grin and bear as i do it

im excited right now about the changes my life is going through, but i know that as a country, we are all experiencing some anxiety, and this is my prayer: Father, help us to place our undying confidence and belief in You as we live during these times of challege and difficulty. help us to remain steadfastly faithful to Your word that all we need will be provided. take away our fears and replace them with hope. remove our anxieties and continue to provide us with unconditional love. and in times of darkness, please show us the stars. amen.

okay, have to wrap this up. gotta get ready for class.

next week: nude photography, photojournalism, and photo 1.

life is going to be so busy, but i have to do this. i must do this.

perspective

walt disney concert hall 07.2008 by agape+photography

so, i got a certified letter notification in the mail from the district, meaning what its supposed to mean: pink slip.

i let everyone know, including my principal who said i wasnt on the list he received or else he wouldve called me. hes so cool like that.

and the union rep who ive disliked but has all of a sudden been very proactive in this whole financial mess told me i wasnt on the list.

which leaves me wondering: were they right?

perhaps theres a greater reason for this.

perhaps it is forcing me to be honest with myself and finally doing what it is i want to do, even if i am so afraid to move towards it.

words are so powerful, and when i made my forty by forty one list, i did not really expect the universe to conspire with me to fulfill them.

in fact, numbers 25-32 were just a joke. really, i mean, there hasnt been any male remotely interesting in my midst, and it wasnt as if i were serious about it.

looking at my list, an afterthought was that i didnt mention much about my career, but photography made it a few times.

the pink slip is actually a key to freedom. it means that im not married to a job anymore, and i am free to roam around.

im not really one to plant roots, yet somehow the men, including my one and only-the boy, ive had in my life craved stability and consistency and were not ones for change.

i, however, cannot function without a bit of chaos. just a tiny, minute serving every few years. it keeps the blood pumping.

i know ill have a job in this district because of how many years of experience i have and how many credentials i possess. i know that this pink slip is just a cya by the district. im so not worried.

but i can fantasize, yeah?

look, ive accumulated too many things, and i hate it. i used to live out of a few suitcases, when my obsession was books. clothes were nice, but i loved having just a few key items.

i look around my house, and it feels so cluttered, and i cannot believe ive held on to some shit. some of the shit are the exbf, whose birthday it is today, but not much.

ive got to hunker down and purge. im going to donate lots of clothes, purchases made mindlessly when shopping was my therapy.

i can also get started on working on my two book projects. well, one book project that i will take to a publishing company, and one project that ive been thinking of for years.

come on, man! this is a wake up call from the universe. ive been too married and dependent on a day by day thing that doesnt fulfill me.

fulfill.

thats the perfect word. because im happy, im satisfied, im settled.

but i am not fulfilled.

i want to do more.

i am more.

i.

am.

more.

God doesnt call the qualified. He qualifies the called.

im waiting for the signs.

~*~*~

and ps...how the fuck do the banks have the nerve to ask for a bailout when theyve proven to be wasteful and mindless and lavish and greedy, and i wonder why the educational system settles for pity change?

wheres our priority, and what will we teach the future when we send layoff notices to millions of educators, yet willingly give to soulless fucks who shamelessly parade their wealth and disregard the poor?

each year, historically, education has had to beg for cash from the government. this is something about this country that sickens and appalls me.

things need to change.

and from my perspective, this is just the beginning.

notes

huntington gardens 02.2009 by agape+photography

i was sitting with my son on the couch earlier this afternoon, watching something about the prop 8 debate, and he said, i dont think im ever going to get married.

oh? why not?

it seems too much work. im just going to have girlfriends for the rest of my life.

okay. i just want you to be happy.

are you still with your girlfriend?

yeah, were still together, but im getting bored with her.

really?

yeah, shes not boring, but im just bored with the whole thing.

i suppose i shouldnt be surprised. after all, im not the poster child for marriage or conventional living, but his father, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to be settled down.

my child related stories to me their conversations. ive always known that the boys father wants the picket fence, and im hoping he gets it because really? hes happier when hes with someone.

a part of me is happy that my son thinks this way, especially since hes so young, and hes always telling me, im too busy to have a girlfriend. i have too much work to do.

and then, theres a thought that rolls around in the brain, a thought, tiny but creates great doubt about my skills as a parent. did i create this way of thinking for him because of my lack of need for a man?

wait, thats not true. i dont need a man. my father raised a daughter who is independent in all ways, and im glad. i like who i am, and i dont want to change this part.

i hope my son, though, does fall in love and get hurt and experience the whole romance and intimacy and passion and chemistry.

i want that for him.

~*~*~

this afternoon, i thought serga was going to pull me into him and make out with me in his room.

this was what was going through my mind when i visited him during his conference period.

the man is a flirt, and he stood so close to me that i had to pull away. i dont want to shit where i eat, especially not now.

he asked me if i was staying next year, and when i told him no, he became somewhat assertive.

okay, i need to start dating again. by june. no matter what.

no.

matter.

what.

~*~*~

its scary right now in the district. pink slips are supposed to be handed out by friday.

im not safe, even if i have eleven years with the district, because i only have one year as a counselor.

okay, im not going to worry about it.

because things work out in the end.

every little thing is gonna be alright.

a name

la jolla 08.2008 by agape+photography

i havent seen him in almost two years, and i havent heard his voice since then, either.

if it werent for my documentation of our time together, i would hardly remember much of him.

im afraid that if i bumped into him now, i wouldnt recognize him to save a life...

but it isnt the actions or the words or the touch or that smile or his sexy voice, but it is the mans essence that keeps me so wildly, unrealistically, illogically somehow missing him still.

after almost two years.

it isnt intentional this feeling of his void...and i certainly dont will my thoughts to wander to him.

and life is beautiful again, unlike living in a dark world the first few days after he dumped my ass. i believe that it was to preserve my sanity that i functioned on automatic pilot mode, which accounts for the gaps in my memory of him.

i have never put him on a pedastal the way we tend to do, sometimes, to honor a memory. im cognizant of the fact that it was doomed from the beginning because neither of us wanted to be in a relationship, so that made it taboo to think of him long term in my life...or i in his.

yet, in the middle of the night, when i wake suddenly from a noise or to change sleeping positions, when i find myself in a relaxed state, when meditation has made me attune to the noises of the universe and to my feelings,when i find joy in my work, when i feel like ive done a good job about something, i cannot help but whisper...

william.

ready to be sent

cheney trails 01.2009 by agape+photography

i just finished a kick ass resume and cover letter for the new school in dtla.

to be hired there by august is my wet dream, and i can taste how much i want this.

but this might not be the grand plan, so i will patiently wait and not let my heart break into a million pieces if it were not so.

however, i feel good, positive, and i send them out with good vibes.

it will be awesome to work in the city, across from the cathedral and the concert hall. the commute will be swifter and the gas cheaper.

there are so many pros to this, so many reasons why it should be.

im looking forward to summer vacation. this will the first in almost 8 years.

got paid today, didnt bother to check it because the gross and the net are different by a few thousand dollars. heartbreaking.

night.

bold

my son + my niece big bear 07.2008 by agape+photography

its been a long day, complete with registering 21 new students.

this damned economy and the fuckers responsible for putting us in this situation are forcing families to situations that are heartbreaking.

one of my favorites is this kid who has such a great personality, who loves my office because of all the art work, whose mother lost her job and consequently lost their home to foreclosure, who wants to study to be an artist, who i will introduce to carlo when he returns from his vacay, who is a former gang member, who wants to change...well, this kid is going to make it. and hes going to give me his art work.

and another is this sweet soul whose mother enabled him to stay at home for a year. no judgement, but not the smartest move, yeah? he said his great grandmother supports them because his mother doesnt work.

there were 20 or so of them today, and i felt like a robot just handing them their classes, and i needed to slow down a bit and get to know these souls.

it was a busy day. didnt have lunch, didnt really do much except data entry and move and change programs, didnt care too much about the meeting after school...and yet, i dont feel tired.

~*~*~

ive got to do my resume.

ive got to be bold, be fierce, and dare.

thats what i miss. i miss the free spirit in me, and i know shes still there, but i wonder why ive buried it.

oh, well, soon.

its here

st andrews church 02.2009 by agape+photography

its been a nice weekend, except for my sons illness, but im not going to complain because really? except for about three bouts of ear infections as a baby and contracting fifth disease when he was eight or so, this has been the first time the boy was derailed.

hes not going to school for the next two days just to make sure that hes fully rested. of course, even in his illness, hes still got this attitude that makes me ill.

today started off with a beautiful mass, then a deep tissue massage, then lunch with dapel, vansa, and her little girl.

after, dapel and i watched this amazing little flick that has won me over. ive not seen something this insprirational and hopeful in such a long time.

i want love.

i want love that is simple, natural, and healing.

it isnt too much to ask, i know this now, so im asking.

but maybe just not this week because its the last push before the end of the year.

just 80 more days before i get out.