penultimate

just got back from san diego with tatty. spent three nights away from this shit city.

i planned this vacation when he was away, not knowing who was going with me, but certain that i would have to go. the last few months have been maddening with everything piling on at once.

work has been work, and i dont have time to process things that go on in a day, to step back and have some space between one heartbreaking story from another.

home life has been tense with a moody teen and a brother who refuses to grow up and take responsibility.

and of course, my love life has been rocky, but hopefully, it has settled a bit.

~*~*~

im marked.

he sank his teeth into my skin, and that burning sensation was familiar. of course i came as he did it. of course it was amazing.

i said to him, what are you afraid of with me and our relationship?

nothing now. im fine.

nothing now because youre fine, but what about the next time we disagree? tell me, what are you afraid of?

im not afraid anymore.

what were you afraid of?

look, i dont know if i can survive another breakup. if this ends, im afraid my heart will never love again.

well, if thats how you feel, then perhaps you should wait to give your heart out to someone who you feel wont break it.

i want to tell you this: im in too deep with you.

we shall see what the new year brings us.

from the universe this morning

each person in your life is there for a reason, m, and that reason always has something to do with love.

like me,
the universe

and i believe this to be so true.

because why else would i have not been surrounded by good people this year?

my job stretches my heart, y'all, because of the stories, of the pain, of the support, of the laughs, of the tears, of the love.

~*~*~

i love this time when im on christmas vacation, right before christmas, when the anticipation is building.

and i hate the time when im done with christmas vacation, the first day back to work, when everything feels like such a giant letdown.

but its that magic moment when its time to start over, to wipe the slate clean.

i need love. i need something ive never had before.

im opening up myself to the universe and to my wishes.

this is going to be a magical year.

wishes

i realized the other day that this millenium is ten years old, and i had to sit down to take that fact in. i tried to do an accountablity report of the last ten years in my head, and i honestly do not want to do it.

cant.

wont.

dont want to.

the last decade was filled with amazingly good times and not so good times. learning and growing personally, sexually, intellectually, emotionally.

ive met so many people who have been guides to the person i am today, and while many of them are no longer part of my life now, they have changed me forever.

i miss some of them. i miss their essence, their voices, their skin. i miss their thoughts, their words, their silence.

i miss the me i was when i was with them.

but they had to leave to make room for new people to enter my life. i know this. but it doesnt make things easier.

~*~*~

i have to say that work has been taking a toll on me lately.

the last four months? emotional. draining. inspiring. touching. encouraging. frustrating. life changing.

those words describe my students, their families, and their stories.

its a good gig, but i wonder to myself, what am i doing here? is this where im supposed to be? what should i do next?

i dont know the answers to any of those questions. and it baffles me all the time.

~*~*~

so, im not going to make resolutions at all for the upcoming year.

rather, im going to make wishes.

1. i wish for courage to take the next steps. baby steps, giant leaps...i dont care as long as they are brave and with diligence.

2. i wish for love. in all forms. from my family, from friends, from new lovers, from those who i meet, from angels, from colleagues, from students, from parents.

3. i wish for clarity. answers to questions regarding career, service to others, and purpose in my life.

4. i wish for peace. the peace that i need in my heart, my mind, my life to have a quality existence.

5. i wish for confidence to take risks, to grow, to let go.

6. i wish for healing. to not be restored to my original dimensions, but to accept my beautifully scarred heart.

7. i wish for abundance. to share with students, with parents, with my own child, and with the other people i love so much in this world.

8. i wish for understanding. empathy. compassion.

9. i wish for passion. to find something that will define my life and make it that much more vibrant.

10. i wish for patience. to do nothing gallantly until i am called to do it. invite calmness and stillness as well.

so there they are. a set of wishes to guide me into the next decade.

im so ready to end this year, even though i really loved it. it was a hard year, challenging for the world as one, but there have been amazing acts of love and kindness that i have nothing but sweet, warm memories.

last night

he went to his brothers grave site yesterday with his mother to decorate for christmas. he said his mother cried while he laid there over the plot so he could only be six feet away from the remains of a brotherhood ended too quickly.

i was upset with him before he left, hated that the night before, he hadnt kept his word. so, before he left, i told him how i felt, how disappointed i had been feeling, how i no longer trusted what he said.

and then i stopped. he needed a friend. i wanted to be that friend. he needed someone to just understand him. i wanted to understand. he needed to just rest without feeling my sharp-edged words. i wanted to soothe him with touch.

can we just drive somewhere the way we used to without a planned destination? he messaged.

when he came home, we drove to santa monica.

i need the beach. its where i get my comfort, i tell him.

he was tender. he was soft. he was sweet. he kept thanking me because i was with him. the day had been difficult, he said.

we sat there, talking, kissing, laughing.

i love his kisses. i love him. i love holding his hand, i love being next to him.

and yet.

theres a part of me, the voice i try to silence, that tells me to run, that this will never work out, that everything will always be the same.

at the restaurant, later on in the night, he was looking at me with such sweetness and smiling eyes.

im going to marry you, he said.

pardon?

im going to marry you.

when?

soon. is that okay?

and my answer came in the form of a whisper.

sick

it just happened yesterday morning, when i was in a parent conference. i found myself reaching for the tissue box more than the mother i handed it to.

when i got home, it was over. i took some meds, and then i went to therapy, and then i went to get more medicine and food for the kiddo.

i couldnt sleep last night, my fever was making me have weird dreams.

and i dreamt of him. we were laughing and hanging out and when i woke up, my eyes were wet again.

~*~*~

i miss him as my friend, but not as my lover. not anymore. the pain of abandonment, no matter what the reason, is something i cannot seem to accept.

i pray he is getting better, figuring things out in his life.

yesterday was hard, i missed him so much, but today?

today is a new day. i miss him differently.

i dont think we can go back to the way it was. which im grateful for. i want something new, something real this time. i dont like to guess.

~*~*~

theres a distraction. well, two. one is purely for mindfuck, and the other?

we are going to have coffee this saturday. he seems nice and sweet, but i dont know if theres a chemistry. i just need friends right now.

someone to hang out with with no pressure, just platonic.

acceptance and the path of least resistance

acceptance is my favorite part of the grief/loss process, but i know to get to that very feeling, the other pieces of the process must be experienced.

acceptance. light. peace. relief. acceptance. light. peace. relief. acceptance. light. peace. relief.

this is where i am, i believe, right now, right this second as i type this. all the losses ive experienced: death, divorce, breakups, disappointments...this is where i am. and i have to tell you, im ready to start anew.

this isnt to say that ive let go, that ive stopped loving. because i havent. i still love and i still remember and i still hope, but ive accepted that some doors have closed. and for good.

i guess ive just tired of carrying hurt, baggages that have become to heavy to lug around on this journey, and i am compelled to travel more lightly, with less.

i feel it, i feel a new change coming. maybe not so much geographically, but more energy. i am manifesting good energy.

and i am accepting its presence in my life.

~*~*~

i pray that wherever he is, i pray that he is safe and getting better.

and that soon, he will come back to me and be my friend.

inspiring

love the words, love the music, love the video, love the artist.

shine your light.

recoup and regroup

when the exbf left, one of the most precious things i regained was peace of mind. living with an alcoholic was a bit disturbing and explosive, not to mention scary and hurtful and all other emotions i havent been in touch with for a long time, so the first night he was gone and i was sure he would never return again, i cried.

cried joyful tears to know that i would be starting over. the damage has almost been undone, four years later. it took so long because i didnt address any feelings that was immediately attached to him. instead, i threw myself in a string of one night stands (some of them so delicious that i wish for them now), a graduate program (i might embark on another one soon), time with my son and being what i imagine a mother to be (current situation, inspired bythe final message on my cell phone from w), starting a new career (one that has been steadily draining my emotional and psychological energies), photography (its a love affair that needs to be nurtured and maintained), and learning (from men, from students, from school, from life).

loucre told me yesterday, you analyze too much. just relax a bit. heres what i learned: in business and in life, you use your mind. in love, you use your heart. let yourself feel.

and i needed to hear that. i needed to hear that because really? i have lost the ability to let myself feel.

~*~*~

i got a text from him the day before thanksgiving saying hes returned.

and instead of feeling happy, i felt...numb. i had wanted that message for the two weeks he had been gone, but.

but.

i dont trust that he wont leave. and because of this, ive made a decision. i love him so much, and i will always do so, but its over.

hes a kindred spirit, and we have a great time together as friends, but together as lovers? too draining.

i will always be here for him, regardless and despite of and in spite of and because.

the bottom line is that i love this person. and thats the most important thing.

~*~*~

lately, i have been desperately suppressing and ignoring my heart about work.

this is another relationship that has been challenging me, and i pray that my time off will give me a fresh outlook when i return.

whats been really bruising my soul are the stories of my sweet little babes, kids who have such stories that baffle me.

what happened to the concept of a perfect childhood?

and then i think, well, i didnt have one, and i dont think i turned out so bad. sure, im paying a lot for therapy, but im not putting a price on my health, mental or physical.

~*~*~

so, ive made up my mind.

1) i will be happy. my soul is going to be at peace always, my mind at peace always, my presence at peace always. this may be simplistic, but i have so much that there is no reason why i shouldnt be happy.

2) i will find my true calling in life, and im going to go for it. okay, i know that it will have to do with service and with arts and with education, so ill either have to create a career with this calling or jump into one.

3) i will allow love to manifest in my life. love from family, from friends, from a man. this man will be gorgeous inside and out, will have a beautiful and healthy heart, will be a tender and loving soul, and will be a generous and giving lover and friend.

4) i will pay off my student loans and will put my son through college with the help of his father.

5) i will leave this city and make a home in a place that nurtures and soothes my spirit. because ive denied this for too long.

6) i will give photography a place in my life, and i will not be afraid of success from it. i will acknowledge my talent, my fidelity to straight out of the camera shots, and i will celebrate my unique vision.

7) i will do yoga again, continue therapy, become more conscious of what i put in my body and in my sons body. we will honor our health and live strong.

8) i will humbly do my job, serve this community, and i will not let sadness keep me from advocating love.

9) i will be me.

10) i will love myself.