down low
i feel ill. its not from the shitty ass dinner i had. well, maybe partly, but not mostly.
i have an opportunity to display my wares at an art show in burbank, and ive got the crazy heebie jeebies right now.
i always do this. i always play dangerously close to the fire, and when its time to step up, i swallow my fear and do it. im so fortunate that i havent gotten burned.
so, now, i have to toss and turn over this.
because what if? what if i do well? what if i dont?
dammit.
let go and let God.
goal number 14. the rest are here.
Sunday, September 30, 2007
tested
im so restless today. i feel drawn to the outdoors, yet i want the sanctuary of my home. i want to hear nothing, yet listen to everything.
i loved today, loved the energy, the beauty of the buildings, the wonderment of little eyes and ears. loved it.
my son was, however, not as impressed as i was. well, not true.
he liked it, he said, towards the end, but hes not used to this. this is absolutely one hundred percent my fault. for two years, i was absent. not only with school, but with work, with other commitments, with a certain man.
but all that, all that stops today. im going to be very frugal with my time, to the point of being a miser. ive got to dedicate some time to molding this kid.
oh, and i saw the building coming up, the building of the new high school i where i want to work next september if i stay at lausd. its awesome. its grand. its going to be artsy.
i need to care for everything that i let slip because i didnt or couldnt tend to them. i need to work on some art, work on some me, work on some motherhood stuff.
this celibacy thing is easier this time because i know that i want to be cleansed for not only me, but for him also. whoever he is.
right now, i cant want anything. i dont want anything. and sex has become different for me.
its more like making love now.
and i thank him for that. i really do.
im so restless today. i feel drawn to the outdoors, yet i want the sanctuary of my home. i want to hear nothing, yet listen to everything.
i loved today, loved the energy, the beauty of the buildings, the wonderment of little eyes and ears. loved it.
my son was, however, not as impressed as i was. well, not true.
he liked it, he said, towards the end, but hes not used to this. this is absolutely one hundred percent my fault. for two years, i was absent. not only with school, but with work, with other commitments, with a certain man.
but all that, all that stops today. im going to be very frugal with my time, to the point of being a miser. ive got to dedicate some time to molding this kid.
oh, and i saw the building coming up, the building of the new high school i where i want to work next september if i stay at lausd. its awesome. its grand. its going to be artsy.
i need to care for everything that i let slip because i didnt or couldnt tend to them. i need to work on some art, work on some me, work on some motherhood stuff.
this celibacy thing is easier this time because i know that i want to be cleansed for not only me, but for him also. whoever he is.
right now, i cant want anything. i dont want anything. and sex has become different for me.
its more like making love now.
and i thank him for that. i really do.
guts
okay, im somewhat...clairvoyant. ive known that ive had a strong power of instincts for a long time now. i knew that there was something wrong with my aunt who was in la while i was in chicago when i was 18. when my mom told me she had been in a car accident three days before, i knew.
when the red haired boy was with a girl at an art walk when we were in our second year in college, i knew. i let him confess that it was a last minute thing, that she invited him, that he thought it would be fun, and that he was sorry, so sorry, i love you, not her, blah blah blah. i tuned him out, but i knew.
when w first read my blog, i knew. he didnt admit it right away, but i knew.
i have other examples, jobs, jury duty, my son, etc, but i wont go into details now. writing things down, things like my goals, future plans, expectations...all these just confirm what i know.
so, here i am. my instincts tell me to move in a direction that is so foreign to me, but one i know will help me have a more complete life. i want this. i know it will be a bit more challenging, just because its unknown and exciting.
and different than what im used to.
im beginning to have mini anxiety attacks about returning to my box at poly. i still have two weeks left, but its starting to stew.
and i know that once i get on campus and i see my "friends", i know that ill fall back into a routine that is more comforting than the new adventure that i could possibly have.
see, i need an inspiration, a muse. isnt that just like an artist?
the exbf always told me that in his pain, he can write. his writing was insightful, and his command of the language so seductive. i loved that he completed a 700-page first draft. i hope he does something with it.
but his suffering was not for me. he needed time to wander, to go away and think, to drink himself into a stupor. this artists life, however, was not for me.
the man had passion. he knew how to love, how to make love, how to live. he didnt need anything material, no car, no clothes, no fancy schmancy shit, but he needed me. at least, thats what he used to tell me. and thats what i used to believe.
i wonder how he is now. last night, my sister asked about him out of the blue. i feel he might be coming around again, but i doubt that.
he and i had a really strong connection. kindred spirits. soul mates, thats what he said. when he embarked on his hitchhiking trip across the country, i knew that he was going to try to come back.
i knew days before he would call. i knew that he was coming closer to me. knew that he was safe. hes a survivor. i loved that so much about him. i felt comforted in that, safe.
i used to dream about us in the future, how we would be once we sorted out our shit. i mean, i honestly felt i could rest with him.
but all that is past tense. he breached something between us, and im sure i did also. its just not ever going to work out.
lets come back to the here and now. im going to make baby steps to do what it is my inner child wants to do. and the universe is allowing so many things for me to make those steps.
this should be a fun adventure.
off now to the grand avenue festival.
okay, im somewhat...clairvoyant. ive known that ive had a strong power of instincts for a long time now. i knew that there was something wrong with my aunt who was in la while i was in chicago when i was 18. when my mom told me she had been in a car accident three days before, i knew.
when the red haired boy was with a girl at an art walk when we were in our second year in college, i knew. i let him confess that it was a last minute thing, that she invited him, that he thought it would be fun, and that he was sorry, so sorry, i love you, not her, blah blah blah. i tuned him out, but i knew.
when w first read my blog, i knew. he didnt admit it right away, but i knew.
i have other examples, jobs, jury duty, my son, etc, but i wont go into details now. writing things down, things like my goals, future plans, expectations...all these just confirm what i know.
so, here i am. my instincts tell me to move in a direction that is so foreign to me, but one i know will help me have a more complete life. i want this. i know it will be a bit more challenging, just because its unknown and exciting.
and different than what im used to.
im beginning to have mini anxiety attacks about returning to my box at poly. i still have two weeks left, but its starting to stew.
and i know that once i get on campus and i see my "friends", i know that ill fall back into a routine that is more comforting than the new adventure that i could possibly have.
see, i need an inspiration, a muse. isnt that just like an artist?
the exbf always told me that in his pain, he can write. his writing was insightful, and his command of the language so seductive. i loved that he completed a 700-page first draft. i hope he does something with it.
but his suffering was not for me. he needed time to wander, to go away and think, to drink himself into a stupor. this artists life, however, was not for me.
the man had passion. he knew how to love, how to make love, how to live. he didnt need anything material, no car, no clothes, no fancy schmancy shit, but he needed me. at least, thats what he used to tell me. and thats what i used to believe.
i wonder how he is now. last night, my sister asked about him out of the blue. i feel he might be coming around again, but i doubt that.
he and i had a really strong connection. kindred spirits. soul mates, thats what he said. when he embarked on his hitchhiking trip across the country, i knew that he was going to try to come back.
i knew days before he would call. i knew that he was coming closer to me. knew that he was safe. hes a survivor. i loved that so much about him. i felt comforted in that, safe.
i used to dream about us in the future, how we would be once we sorted out our shit. i mean, i honestly felt i could rest with him.
but all that is past tense. he breached something between us, and im sure i did also. its just not ever going to work out.
lets come back to the here and now. im going to make baby steps to do what it is my inner child wants to do. and the universe is allowing so many things for me to make those steps.
this should be a fun adventure.
off now to the grand avenue festival.
Saturday, September 29, 2007
realization
- i know now why im single at this time of my life. i have to raise this boy to be the man he can best be. i realized this today, driving home, feeling lonely, but understanding that yes, this is my lot.
it wont be forever. and in fact, it hasnt been long, but still.
its all good. im stalling on the relationship conversation i promise to have with myself as soon as i got the chance to breathe. im not motivated on an imposition such as another person in my life for the time being.
went to the suburbs today. it aint good for my soul, i tell ya. however, there was a man who caught my eye. he was in a red truck, newish, fire engine red.
he walked into church late, and he looked...pained.
it was just a bit odd. he seemed to need to be there, needed to have comfort, reached out to God for help. i loved watching him when i could. and he caught me once or twice looking at him.
but i did nothing.
first, i wasnt motivated or inspired to say something witty. i aint got nuthin.
second, do i really want someone with pain? im assuming. again, i didnt want to know.
third, i had my kid with me. i wasnt about to come up with a line in front of him.
- man, the boys father is such a...fucking asshole. lets see what idiocy he come up with.
- im so tired. i cant wait until the grand avenue festival tomorrow. my pictures came out crappy today. fuck. i have not been inspired.
i need a kiss.
- i know now why im single at this time of my life. i have to raise this boy to be the man he can best be. i realized this today, driving home, feeling lonely, but understanding that yes, this is my lot.
it wont be forever. and in fact, it hasnt been long, but still.
its all good. im stalling on the relationship conversation i promise to have with myself as soon as i got the chance to breathe. im not motivated on an imposition such as another person in my life for the time being.
went to the suburbs today. it aint good for my soul, i tell ya. however, there was a man who caught my eye. he was in a red truck, newish, fire engine red.
he walked into church late, and he looked...pained.
it was just a bit odd. he seemed to need to be there, needed to have comfort, reached out to God for help. i loved watching him when i could. and he caught me once or twice looking at him.
but i did nothing.
first, i wasnt motivated or inspired to say something witty. i aint got nuthin.
second, do i really want someone with pain? im assuming. again, i didnt want to know.
third, i had my kid with me. i wasnt about to come up with a line in front of him.
- man, the boys father is such a...fucking asshole. lets see what idiocy he come up with.
- im so tired. i cant wait until the grand avenue festival tomorrow. my pictures came out crappy today. fuck. i have not been inspired.
i need a kiss.
man oh man
i got an awesome massage this morning. not-too-deep tissue.
being good to myself never felt so...good.
off to the suburbs now. photo op, photo op, photo op...
thats the only way i can get through this.
my sister keeps selling the new mall with lofts that are coming up in her area. she obviously doesnt know that the type of lofts i want are the ones with character, the phoenixes that come from abandoned warehouses or buildings.
thats the shit i want.
and im almost, almost, almost to the point of caving in and buying.
ah, urban jungle, look out.
i got an awesome massage this morning. not-too-deep tissue.
being good to myself never felt so...good.
off to the suburbs now. photo op, photo op, photo op...
thats the only way i can get through this.
my sister keeps selling the new mall with lofts that are coming up in her area. she obviously doesnt know that the type of lofts i want are the ones with character, the phoenixes that come from abandoned warehouses or buildings.
thats the shit i want.
and im almost, almost, almost to the point of caving in and buying.
ah, urban jungle, look out.
Friday, September 28, 2007
patience
its always like this. when im in between something great and something greater, its always like this.
you know. the anticipation. the boredom. the need to move, to take action. the sitting still while the mind runs.
or maybe this is just me, just how the intricacies of my gray matter work. maybe.
did some christmas shopping today. went to borders, and i bought something for w and for dines. my two favorite people. drive me crazy, but i love them both.
its in the air, i feel it. something is brewing, coming together, destiny is preparing a feast.
and im invited. im sure i am.
you know how i know?
theres a calm. theres a deceiving pacific feeling in the air. but my instincts are on high level alert. i just cant pinpoint when or where or what. but its coming.
i have to prepare. you know, get ready for this...this thing.
im tired of punishing myself for what happened. really, i am. im tired of going back and forth, of feeling really good, then remembering what happened, and feeling bad.
this is exactly what he wants. he wants me to suffer the way he suffers. he wants me to think about what we did, think about it, go mad about it, and suffer. like he does. with all things in his life.
he doesnt like to take risks. well, he takes calculated risks. what fun is that? but you know, i love him for it. hes just someone who had a great influence in my life, and im not going to forget him.
ever. i dont want to. i want to remember him, his hands, the way they felt on my skin. his lips, his teeth. his voice. god, i loved his voice.
his quietness. so exciting. hes a calm before the storm. hes the epitome of still waters running deep. hes so amazing. theres so much more to him, but he doesnt choose to take the risk.
this is what alarms me. he can be much greater. much more aware. if he were schooled. if he took action. if he stopped thinking and just did it.
spontaneity was not a strong point. there were slimpse, but nothing glaring. too bad.
anyway, im going to rest now. massage tomorrow. then off to the suburbs. picture taking.
then sunday. cannot wait. festival. opportunity. click. click. click.
its always like this. when im in between something great and something greater, its always like this.
you know. the anticipation. the boredom. the need to move, to take action. the sitting still while the mind runs.
or maybe this is just me, just how the intricacies of my gray matter work. maybe.
did some christmas shopping today. went to borders, and i bought something for w and for dines. my two favorite people. drive me crazy, but i love them both.
its in the air, i feel it. something is brewing, coming together, destiny is preparing a feast.
and im invited. im sure i am.
you know how i know?
theres a calm. theres a deceiving pacific feeling in the air. but my instincts are on high level alert. i just cant pinpoint when or where or what. but its coming.
i have to prepare. you know, get ready for this...this thing.
im tired of punishing myself for what happened. really, i am. im tired of going back and forth, of feeling really good, then remembering what happened, and feeling bad.
this is exactly what he wants. he wants me to suffer the way he suffers. he wants me to think about what we did, think about it, go mad about it, and suffer. like he does. with all things in his life.
he doesnt like to take risks. well, he takes calculated risks. what fun is that? but you know, i love him for it. hes just someone who had a great influence in my life, and im not going to forget him.
ever. i dont want to. i want to remember him, his hands, the way they felt on my skin. his lips, his teeth. his voice. god, i loved his voice.
his quietness. so exciting. hes a calm before the storm. hes the epitome of still waters running deep. hes so amazing. theres so much more to him, but he doesnt choose to take the risk.
this is what alarms me. he can be much greater. much more aware. if he were schooled. if he took action. if he stopped thinking and just did it.
spontaneity was not a strong point. there were slimpse, but nothing glaring. too bad.
anyway, im going to rest now. massage tomorrow. then off to the suburbs. picture taking.
then sunday. cannot wait. festival. opportunity. click. click. click.
bohemia
i understand now why luro will never get a real, full-time job. strike that. being in his business IS full time and real. its just that...today i fully understood why he wont be bound to a chair and desk and four walls (unless, of course, he was blindfolded and naked).
this morning, i just wasnt feeling it. just wasnt feeling like dragging my ass into a building and doing the same bullshit that i do at my own building that im so very far away from.
the last few days, ive been living this bohemian lifestyle of hanging out, drinking (not heavily), smoking (just to help me relax), shooting some awesome pictures, developing, and putting in a portfolio.
dammit. this is how i want to live right now.
forever? probably not. id get bored with not being a counselor. and id get frustrated at no social interaction.
because while im off, everyone else isnt. and since luro is in a relationship, i cant hang out with him anymore. why did he make up that rule? so stupid. im harmless. and id like to be his friend.
ah, friendships. i think i have to really widen my social circle to include those who like to see movies and art shows. theres one im being very careful and slow with. havent really hung out with him, and ive denied his requests for coffee. im just not ready for anything deep.
but friendship? im down.
last night, jomo messaged me, drinks and dinner?
we met up an hour later after ive showered from yoga (i was sweating a lot), and he was serious about drinks. of course, he was. hes 26. he usually goes to a cute little place called the cigar house where theres live jazz shows on tuesday nights.
i cant hang with him because ive realized my bodys age. while everyone seems to be fooled at thinking im younger than i really am, i know the truth.
last night, he said, order that. i want to see what youre made of.
he was kidding, obviously, but that sounded like a challenge. so i ordered this drink that was served in a chilled martini glass along with the shaker that the rest of it came with. i was buzzed in such a great way, and i woke up this morning with NO effects at all.
jomo and i had a great time. we talked about work, school (hes finishing up his masters in the spring), religion (his cute brother , another brother, and his father are mormon...his mother and sister and he are catholic), students, and a past trip to santa barbara with the kids.
this guy is a great kid. but i think hes got some game. i had to put it out there...i dont shit where i eat, thats why i didnt go out with the stalker.
oh, really?
yeah, hes so immature.
how old is he?
26.
thats how old i am.
but hes immature. a kid. i dont want to hang out with kids. i have my own.
i told him about the stalker and djc, and he told me his interest in the cheer coach. i told him id help him out by getting information about her, he said hed help me get any guy. i told him i didnt need help and that i dont shit where i eat.
we said good night and hugged. hes not a good hugger.
but on my way home in my hazy buzz, i remembered he told me he had been seeing some girl. not exclusively, but ive seen her more than the others, he justified.
so i sent him a text...im not getting info on the cheer coach. you have a girlfriend, remember?
he replied...dont be a c-blocker. help a brother out.
i replied...want me to be a c-sucker instead?
he replied...hahhahhahaaa. i dont mean that. i just mean that you know.
i know.
im to help him with his game.
i know.
i want to be in love now. little boys are so fun, but ive outgrown them.
i used to say, id rather be a babysitter than a nurse when people asked me my fascination with younger guys. but im done with that now.
so theres a possibility. kind of scared, so taking my time. hes a combination of the top three. ive always said this is what i wanted, but it was only because i didnt think he existed. time will tell.
meanwhile, im going to just live this bohemian lifestyle. i dont want to go back to my fucking little office. but i will. i will, and im going to do it with a smile and love and determination and kindness.
and i pray to God that this is the last year there.
i understand now why luro will never get a real, full-time job. strike that. being in his business IS full time and real. its just that...today i fully understood why he wont be bound to a chair and desk and four walls (unless, of course, he was blindfolded and naked).
this morning, i just wasnt feeling it. just wasnt feeling like dragging my ass into a building and doing the same bullshit that i do at my own building that im so very far away from.
the last few days, ive been living this bohemian lifestyle of hanging out, drinking (not heavily), smoking (just to help me relax), shooting some awesome pictures, developing, and putting in a portfolio.
dammit. this is how i want to live right now.
forever? probably not. id get bored with not being a counselor. and id get frustrated at no social interaction.
because while im off, everyone else isnt. and since luro is in a relationship, i cant hang out with him anymore. why did he make up that rule? so stupid. im harmless. and id like to be his friend.
ah, friendships. i think i have to really widen my social circle to include those who like to see movies and art shows. theres one im being very careful and slow with. havent really hung out with him, and ive denied his requests for coffee. im just not ready for anything deep.
but friendship? im down.
last night, jomo messaged me, drinks and dinner?
we met up an hour later after ive showered from yoga (i was sweating a lot), and he was serious about drinks. of course, he was. hes 26. he usually goes to a cute little place called the cigar house where theres live jazz shows on tuesday nights.
i cant hang with him because ive realized my bodys age. while everyone seems to be fooled at thinking im younger than i really am, i know the truth.
last night, he said, order that. i want to see what youre made of.
he was kidding, obviously, but that sounded like a challenge. so i ordered this drink that was served in a chilled martini glass along with the shaker that the rest of it came with. i was buzzed in such a great way, and i woke up this morning with NO effects at all.
jomo and i had a great time. we talked about work, school (hes finishing up his masters in the spring), religion (his cute brother , another brother, and his father are mormon...his mother and sister and he are catholic), students, and a past trip to santa barbara with the kids.
this guy is a great kid. but i think hes got some game. i had to put it out there...i dont shit where i eat, thats why i didnt go out with the stalker.
oh, really?
yeah, hes so immature.
how old is he?
26.
thats how old i am.
but hes immature. a kid. i dont want to hang out with kids. i have my own.
i told him about the stalker and djc, and he told me his interest in the cheer coach. i told him id help him out by getting information about her, he said hed help me get any guy. i told him i didnt need help and that i dont shit where i eat.
we said good night and hugged. hes not a good hugger.
but on my way home in my hazy buzz, i remembered he told me he had been seeing some girl. not exclusively, but ive seen her more than the others, he justified.
so i sent him a text...im not getting info on the cheer coach. you have a girlfriend, remember?
he replied...dont be a c-blocker. help a brother out.
i replied...want me to be a c-sucker instead?
he replied...hahhahhahaaa. i dont mean that. i just mean that you know.
i know.
im to help him with his game.
i know.
i want to be in love now. little boys are so fun, but ive outgrown them.
i used to say, id rather be a babysitter than a nurse when people asked me my fascination with younger guys. but im done with that now.
so theres a possibility. kind of scared, so taking my time. hes a combination of the top three. ive always said this is what i wanted, but it was only because i didnt think he existed. time will tell.
meanwhile, im going to just live this bohemian lifestyle. i dont want to go back to my fucking little office. but i will. i will, and im going to do it with a smile and love and determination and kindness.
and i pray to God that this is the last year there.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
strength
i want to address this idea of you losing your freedom if you were to be in a relationship, napa starts.
yes.
its important to you, your freedom, yes?
very.
how was it when you were in your relationship with the exbf?
i felt constricted. that there were glass walls and glass ceilings.
but you stayed for five years?
yes.
that must have been difficult.
at first, but then it was my life, and i accepted it.
and when he left?
the first night i was alone, i felt so grateful to have my freedom back that i cried. i tried to convince myself my tears were because i was sad, but in essence, they were because i was relieved.
when you were younger, did you think that being part of a relationship meant losing your freedom?
i dont remember.
what about your mother? did you think she lost her freedom when she got married and stayed with your father?
she stayed with my father for the sake of the children. i used to think it was so weak, but when i had my child, i realized i would do anything for him. i see now what she did as strength. to do something for love? thats strong.
but in a sense, she lost her freedom?
i think she still had freedom to dream of the day when she would be able to leave him. thats freedom, still. just a different form.
it seems youve thought about this a lot.
all through adolescence, all through college, and when i moved back home and had to face it again, i thought about it.
you know, you seem to think in black and white.
yes. its easier that way.
but relationships take a lot of negotiating and compromise.
thats what they tell me. i just dont have the patience or the need for it. and i envy people who have the capacity to put up with shit for the sake of being with someone. it takes a lot of strength.
do you think youre strong?
i think im stronger because im alone. i could have settled a long time ago, with my sons father, with my first boyfriend. even with my exbf. i could have said, yeah, this is it. this is my life. what am i going to do now?
and what would you have answered?
i would have answered, now, im going to leave.
i want to address this idea of you losing your freedom if you were to be in a relationship, napa starts.
yes.
its important to you, your freedom, yes?
very.
how was it when you were in your relationship with the exbf?
i felt constricted. that there were glass walls and glass ceilings.
but you stayed for five years?
yes.
that must have been difficult.
at first, but then it was my life, and i accepted it.
and when he left?
the first night i was alone, i felt so grateful to have my freedom back that i cried. i tried to convince myself my tears were because i was sad, but in essence, they were because i was relieved.
when you were younger, did you think that being part of a relationship meant losing your freedom?
i dont remember.
what about your mother? did you think she lost her freedom when she got married and stayed with your father?
she stayed with my father for the sake of the children. i used to think it was so weak, but when i had my child, i realized i would do anything for him. i see now what she did as strength. to do something for love? thats strong.
but in a sense, she lost her freedom?
i think she still had freedom to dream of the day when she would be able to leave him. thats freedom, still. just a different form.
it seems youve thought about this a lot.
all through adolescence, all through college, and when i moved back home and had to face it again, i thought about it.
you know, you seem to think in black and white.
yes. its easier that way.
but relationships take a lot of negotiating and compromise.
thats what they tell me. i just dont have the patience or the need for it. and i envy people who have the capacity to put up with shit for the sake of being with someone. it takes a lot of strength.
do you think youre strong?
i think im stronger because im alone. i could have settled a long time ago, with my sons father, with my first boyfriend. even with my exbf. i could have said, yeah, this is it. this is my life. what am i going to do now?
and what would you have answered?
i would have answered, now, im going to leave.
fall
i love the crispness of this season.
i had a session with napa today, where she told me that i seemed happier.
i am, i say.
tell me whats going on?
im not working first of all because im off track, but tomorrow, i have to do my hours at another school. also, ive had the chance to write in my journal and to photograph.
oh, really?
yes. its been so soothing to my spirit. but i miss my friend w still.
what have you done about it?
nothing. hes made it clear in his words and actions that he doesnt want to be with me or to hear from me, so im giving him space.
thats good. it seems you are taking care of yourself.
yeah, well, it hurts when he doesnt answer my texts, and i dont like feeling bruised. so, im going to honor his request.
honor and respect him.
i want to go to him again.
i love the crispness of this season.
i had a session with napa today, where she told me that i seemed happier.
i am, i say.
tell me whats going on?
im not working first of all because im off track, but tomorrow, i have to do my hours at another school. also, ive had the chance to write in my journal and to photograph.
oh, really?
yes. its been so soothing to my spirit. but i miss my friend w still.
what have you done about it?
nothing. hes made it clear in his words and actions that he doesnt want to be with me or to hear from me, so im giving him space.
thats good. it seems you are taking care of yourself.
yeah, well, it hurts when he doesnt answer my texts, and i dont like feeling bruised. so, im going to honor his request.
honor and respect him.
i want to go to him again.
Monday, September 24, 2007
divided
between the past and the future.
between art and stability.
theres a conflict in my spirit that makes me feel so restless and anxious.
im starting to feel a worry about going back into an office that barely fits three adults. im dreading the four walls that will sap my energy and depress my need to create.
i still have at least three weeks, but i know how my mind has to look into the future always to prepare. its a blessing and a curse.
there are so many things inside of me that need to be sorted out. issues i have to confront, fears i have to quell, and conversations that i need to have.
and i need to find a sanctuary.
i bought some acrylic paint, canvases, and all sorts of stuff. i spent a lot of money at three different locations. damn. i dont even know what to say about that.
anyway, the boy had his first rehearsal tonite. we have some very expensive hobbies. music and photography take time and investment.
one day at a time. one hour at a time.
one second at a time.
and breathe.
between the past and the future.
between art and stability.
theres a conflict in my spirit that makes me feel so restless and anxious.
im starting to feel a worry about going back into an office that barely fits three adults. im dreading the four walls that will sap my energy and depress my need to create.
i still have at least three weeks, but i know how my mind has to look into the future always to prepare. its a blessing and a curse.
there are so many things inside of me that need to be sorted out. issues i have to confront, fears i have to quell, and conversations that i need to have.
and i need to find a sanctuary.
i bought some acrylic paint, canvases, and all sorts of stuff. i spent a lot of money at three different locations. damn. i dont even know what to say about that.
anyway, the boy had his first rehearsal tonite. we have some very expensive hobbies. music and photography take time and investment.
one day at a time. one hour at a time.
one second at a time.
and breathe.
when the universe conspires
i believe when we put things out into the universe, the universe complies.
im having a great day so far. first, i dropped the boy off at school, then i went to starbucks to write in my jounal. after, i went to blix, an art store i initially discovered in san francisco last year in january.
yesterday, after church, the boy and i were driving to dinner when we passed by another one here, closer to us. it had closed already for the day, so i went back today.
one of the workers there was really conversational. he said, i like your shirt.
oh?
yeah.
which side, the front or back?
both, actually.
i thought he was hitting on me, but it turns out, hes an artist, and he tuned me in to a really promising space in one of the up-and-coming artist communities, highland park.
so, when i get my pictures developed, im going to call them up, and ask if i can be a part of their space.
in my journal today, i wrote how i want to work on my goal of buying a loft and using the money i make on photography to pay for it.
im going to do this. im going to work it out so i can do it. now, where is my kid going to go to high school? oh, yeah, theres a magnet performing arts high school coming up in downtown.
i should...i will check it out.
oh, and im getting published on another site. im so wildly excited.
i believe when we put things out into the universe, the universe complies.
im having a great day so far. first, i dropped the boy off at school, then i went to starbucks to write in my jounal. after, i went to blix, an art store i initially discovered in san francisco last year in january.
yesterday, after church, the boy and i were driving to dinner when we passed by another one here, closer to us. it had closed already for the day, so i went back today.
one of the workers there was really conversational. he said, i like your shirt.
oh?
yeah.
which side, the front or back?
both, actually.
i thought he was hitting on me, but it turns out, hes an artist, and he tuned me in to a really promising space in one of the up-and-coming artist communities, highland park.
so, when i get my pictures developed, im going to call them up, and ask if i can be a part of their space.
in my journal today, i wrote how i want to work on my goal of buying a loft and using the money i make on photography to pay for it.
im going to do this. im going to work it out so i can do it. now, where is my kid going to go to high school? oh, yeah, theres a magnet performing arts high school coming up in downtown.
i should...i will check it out.
oh, and im getting published on another site. im so wildly excited.
Sunday, September 23, 2007
there are places
all over this city, all over this state, there are places i avoid because im not ready to deal yet with memories. its nostalgia that brings me to a spot in my head that i dont want to be in. some of those places, i cannot avoid on my way to work, on my way to life.
one day last week, after the last day of jury duty, i had to do this funny little turn to get onto the freeway, and i found myself stuck in traffic in a spot where two freeways divide.
if i took the south, id end up on the road to his loft. so, i took the north in order to get back to my hood.
there is something so profound about my memories of that man, and it saddens me that we will never speak again. there is such a finality, a death, and i dont think i was ready for it.
but this is how i heal, how i go on. and i do want to go on, get over this. not forget, but remember his words, his stories, his touch.
i love him, you know? i love the little that he gave me, because to him, it was a lot.
i was having a conversation the other day with someone i forgot who, and we were talking about what inspires. i told him that for me, my inspirations have come from love, from pain, from deep sadness, from loss, from newness, from hope.
i cant find my babel dvd. i wonder if i left it at his loft. i remember him giving it back to me, but i cant be sure.
i wish he and i could start again. we could have been good.
in one of my classes, we were warned about the uses of wouldas, shouldas, and couldas.
id better adhere to it.
all over this city, all over this state, there are places i avoid because im not ready to deal yet with memories. its nostalgia that brings me to a spot in my head that i dont want to be in. some of those places, i cannot avoid on my way to work, on my way to life.
one day last week, after the last day of jury duty, i had to do this funny little turn to get onto the freeway, and i found myself stuck in traffic in a spot where two freeways divide.
if i took the south, id end up on the road to his loft. so, i took the north in order to get back to my hood.
there is something so profound about my memories of that man, and it saddens me that we will never speak again. there is such a finality, a death, and i dont think i was ready for it.
but this is how i heal, how i go on. and i do want to go on, get over this. not forget, but remember his words, his stories, his touch.
i love him, you know? i love the little that he gave me, because to him, it was a lot.
i was having a conversation the other day with someone i forgot who, and we were talking about what inspires. i told him that for me, my inspirations have come from love, from pain, from deep sadness, from loss, from newness, from hope.
i cant find my babel dvd. i wonder if i left it at his loft. i remember him giving it back to me, but i cant be sure.
i wish he and i could start again. we could have been good.
in one of my classes, we were warned about the uses of wouldas, shouldas, and couldas.
id better adhere to it.
enjoying it
i loved when w told me, be there for your son. hes destined for great things. hes going to need you.
or something to that effect. because hes right. the kid is...well, hes got some lofty goals. hes taking three honors classes, and hes so busy that its kind of worrying me a little.
why? because my kid is just like me.
the past two years of this grad school business wiped away some precious time, and now, im on the other side where i have to take a back seat.
hes got homework on the weekends now, and its a bear. there are times i wonder how hes going to do all this, and he reminds me always, im just going to do it. i have to.
the boy is bright, insightful with a wicked sense of humor. hes not mean, but hes got a sarcasm that reminds me of his father.
sometimes, when im not looking at him, and he says something, i swear its his father talking. when hes angry, its a bit frightening to hear his fathers tone.
but im having fun with motherhood, more fun ive had in years. my favorite time was when he was between the ages of 3 to 6 because he was becoming his own person, and his personality was showing. he was so adorable, so cute, and i loved his baby fat.
the ages of 7 to 13 were blurry because i was dealing with my own shit, the meeting and the exit of the exbf, the exit and the return of his father in our lives, grad school, and my unhappiness with work.
but now, it feels like everything is falling into place, that the hard work i put in raising this kid and trying to instill morals and values and spirituality and God and love and kindness...all that is materializing before my eyes.
and hell yeah, im proud. hell yeah, im going to protect this. hell yeah, im not going to let just anyone into our lives. not again.
you know, we are so blessed. weve always been around good people, and if they werent good, they didnt stay. weve always had enough money, and even when we didnt, we miraculously made it through.
tonite, we went to dinner at one of our old haunts. he said, this place brings back a lot of memories.
i thought he meant the exbf, but to clear it up, he mentioned the people weve supped there with. friends who have remained and moved. friends who still hold a place in our memories but no longer at the table.
and at the next table, there were two babies. so adorable. the dads were young and cute, and the moms were worn out but still glowing.
and i thought to myself, maybe, if its not too late, maybe, ill have another one.
but my original belief that i wont want to have any more resounded when the boy interrupted my fairy tale thoughts as he asked, mom, what would you do if i got a call right now from a girl saying shes pregnant with my kid?
wicked.
sense.
of.
humor.
told you so.
i loved when w told me, be there for your son. hes destined for great things. hes going to need you.
or something to that effect. because hes right. the kid is...well, hes got some lofty goals. hes taking three honors classes, and hes so busy that its kind of worrying me a little.
why? because my kid is just like me.
the past two years of this grad school business wiped away some precious time, and now, im on the other side where i have to take a back seat.
hes got homework on the weekends now, and its a bear. there are times i wonder how hes going to do all this, and he reminds me always, im just going to do it. i have to.
the boy is bright, insightful with a wicked sense of humor. hes not mean, but hes got a sarcasm that reminds me of his father.
sometimes, when im not looking at him, and he says something, i swear its his father talking. when hes angry, its a bit frightening to hear his fathers tone.
but im having fun with motherhood, more fun ive had in years. my favorite time was when he was between the ages of 3 to 6 because he was becoming his own person, and his personality was showing. he was so adorable, so cute, and i loved his baby fat.
the ages of 7 to 13 were blurry because i was dealing with my own shit, the meeting and the exit of the exbf, the exit and the return of his father in our lives, grad school, and my unhappiness with work.
but now, it feels like everything is falling into place, that the hard work i put in raising this kid and trying to instill morals and values and spirituality and God and love and kindness...all that is materializing before my eyes.
and hell yeah, im proud. hell yeah, im going to protect this. hell yeah, im not going to let just anyone into our lives. not again.
you know, we are so blessed. weve always been around good people, and if they werent good, they didnt stay. weve always had enough money, and even when we didnt, we miraculously made it through.
tonite, we went to dinner at one of our old haunts. he said, this place brings back a lot of memories.
i thought he meant the exbf, but to clear it up, he mentioned the people weve supped there with. friends who have remained and moved. friends who still hold a place in our memories but no longer at the table.
and at the next table, there were two babies. so adorable. the dads were young and cute, and the moms were worn out but still glowing.
and i thought to myself, maybe, if its not too late, maybe, ill have another one.
but my original belief that i wont want to have any more resounded when the boy interrupted my fairy tale thoughts as he asked, mom, what would you do if i got a call right now from a girl saying shes pregnant with my kid?
wicked.
sense.
of.
humor.
told you so.
different this time
when i first embarked on my journey of being celibate, it was really because i was completely hurt and shocked by the abrupt exit of the buddhist.
while our relations did not last for long, my recuperation did. there were reasons why that i wont mention here, but that was my first and last foray of stupidity.
my celibacy was further encouraged by the presence of november, who despite his very feminine and catty ways, really did save a part of me. for which, i will always be grateful. i dont like him now, dont like his motives, his speech, his being, i know when we were friends, i learned.
a big part of my celibacy was my bout of depression, which i thank God was short. it was scary, and i felt helpless, but i was blessed that it didnt become full blown. it would have killed me.
the first time i was celibate was about two years ago. it was after i slept with luro that i become purposeful in my choice to be celibate.
he was a great lover, sensitive, passionate, thoughtful, eager, adventurous. and not to compare with w, who was all those, but w was on a different level because there was a deeper connection. i allowed that connection. i worked for that connection.
there were gaps where i wasnt sleeping with anyone, but i wouldnt say i was celibate.
to me, celibacy is a decision, a preference, a way to live life. and this is how i choose to be right now.
i recall a conversation with w once when i told him that we would have to end soon, and that i would be celibate. he said, well, im going to be celibate, too.
i remember that i was shocked at his answer because i always assumed there was someone else, just another one around the corner. and im sure he made the same assumption of me.
theres a reason for meeting him, for sleeping with him, for being changed by and growing with him. theres a reason greater than my comprehension for being joined with him the last eleven months.
but theres also a greater reason why we arent together.
believe me, i fight myself and God about the whys and why nots. i go round for round, and it sucks to get beat up and beat down, but still i do it. more often than should be allowed.
ive accepted that we will probably never speak again, that i will never look into his eyes or feel his hands in my hair or see his name and number on my phone.
but acceptance and understanding do not always form at the same time in the same capacity.
i wish him well.
when i first embarked on my journey of being celibate, it was really because i was completely hurt and shocked by the abrupt exit of the buddhist.
while our relations did not last for long, my recuperation did. there were reasons why that i wont mention here, but that was my first and last foray of stupidity.
my celibacy was further encouraged by the presence of november, who despite his very feminine and catty ways, really did save a part of me. for which, i will always be grateful. i dont like him now, dont like his motives, his speech, his being, i know when we were friends, i learned.
a big part of my celibacy was my bout of depression, which i thank God was short. it was scary, and i felt helpless, but i was blessed that it didnt become full blown. it would have killed me.
the first time i was celibate was about two years ago. it was after i slept with luro that i become purposeful in my choice to be celibate.
he was a great lover, sensitive, passionate, thoughtful, eager, adventurous. and not to compare with w, who was all those, but w was on a different level because there was a deeper connection. i allowed that connection. i worked for that connection.
there were gaps where i wasnt sleeping with anyone, but i wouldnt say i was celibate.
to me, celibacy is a decision, a preference, a way to live life. and this is how i choose to be right now.
i recall a conversation with w once when i told him that we would have to end soon, and that i would be celibate. he said, well, im going to be celibate, too.
i remember that i was shocked at his answer because i always assumed there was someone else, just another one around the corner. and im sure he made the same assumption of me.
theres a reason for meeting him, for sleeping with him, for being changed by and growing with him. theres a reason greater than my comprehension for being joined with him the last eleven months.
but theres also a greater reason why we arent together.
believe me, i fight myself and God about the whys and why nots. i go round for round, and it sucks to get beat up and beat down, but still i do it. more often than should be allowed.
ive accepted that we will probably never speak again, that i will never look into his eyes or feel his hands in my hair or see his name and number on my phone.
but acceptance and understanding do not always form at the same time in the same capacity.
i wish him well.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
fear and laziness
this is the perfect weather for my spirit to be caressed and soothed after being away from him for almost 3 months now.
if you cant already tell, weather affects my mood, as im sure it does yours. but its not only weather. its also art, laughter, music, conversation, color, scent, dance, movement.
i remember how i went to his loft and feeling instantly embedded in a warm cocoon. it was my second sanctuary, next to my own home.
his nature was so that he appeared strong, distant, unphased, yet what he really was, from what i gathered, sensitive, aware, and very much connected to me.
thats my perspective.
tonite, i was supposed to go to my friends house for her birthday, but the last and only time i went, she drank too much and kicked me out literally by 10 pm.
that was fine by me, but it was uncomfortable.
besides, she has a cat, and im allergic to cats, and this night just begs to be spent at home. id prefer to be at his loft, in his arms, in his bed, but yeah, well.
i dont mind being at home these days. i find that im too lazy to hang out at bars or with large groups. lazy because i do not want to expend any energy on conversations and other such silliness.
in fact, ive been thinking that my life is going to change soon. i feel it.
my circle of friends and i are changing and growing, but i fear we are not changing and growing in a way where they are suited for me anymore.
and perhaps, im not suited for them either. after all, im on this pursuit of creativity. none of my friends are pursuing art or creation; in fact, what they are pursuing is something that is elusive to me: love.
love. it really is amazing, you know?
right now, im using all powers of restraint to keep from contacting w.
today, in class, well, last night, i made this awesome stationary that i wanted to use. i could have written a note to him, but decided against it.
theres this nagging thought that the man has met someone, has finally allowed someone in, and that someone is not me.
does it hurt me? yeah, a little. it hurts me that the past eleven months meant...
see, this is where i stop. did my actions exhibit a loyalty to him, to what could have been? did my actions convey the deep respect i had for him, will always have for him?
from any perspective, a resounding no.
but i loved him. i loved him, and i would have chosen him over anyone and everyone. and in more than one occasion, i did.
im a dog person, so loyalty is a character trait. fierce loyalty. to the point of being stupid. to the point of being disloyal to myself.
im not a bad person, and i dont believe that my actions dictate who i am. if i do good by others, am i a good person? no. conversely, if i dont do good by others, does it mean im not a good person? no.
i err. to the highest possible nth degree, at times. not proud of it, but ive accepted it.
and what i did to him was unforgivable. ive accepted that, too. thats why i can and will no longer make any attempts at contact.
i hope, though, that in his heart, he knew what he meant to me. i tried to show him by the way i kissed him. id never kissed anyone that way. ever. not before. not since.
well, its a lesson to be learned, and i have a lot of time for review.
celibacy is a good thing.
this is the perfect weather for my spirit to be caressed and soothed after being away from him for almost 3 months now.
if you cant already tell, weather affects my mood, as im sure it does yours. but its not only weather. its also art, laughter, music, conversation, color, scent, dance, movement.
i remember how i went to his loft and feeling instantly embedded in a warm cocoon. it was my second sanctuary, next to my own home.
his nature was so that he appeared strong, distant, unphased, yet what he really was, from what i gathered, sensitive, aware, and very much connected to me.
thats my perspective.
tonite, i was supposed to go to my friends house for her birthday, but the last and only time i went, she drank too much and kicked me out literally by 10 pm.
that was fine by me, but it was uncomfortable.
besides, she has a cat, and im allergic to cats, and this night just begs to be spent at home. id prefer to be at his loft, in his arms, in his bed, but yeah, well.
i dont mind being at home these days. i find that im too lazy to hang out at bars or with large groups. lazy because i do not want to expend any energy on conversations and other such silliness.
in fact, ive been thinking that my life is going to change soon. i feel it.
my circle of friends and i are changing and growing, but i fear we are not changing and growing in a way where they are suited for me anymore.
and perhaps, im not suited for them either. after all, im on this pursuit of creativity. none of my friends are pursuing art or creation; in fact, what they are pursuing is something that is elusive to me: love.
love. it really is amazing, you know?
right now, im using all powers of restraint to keep from contacting w.
today, in class, well, last night, i made this awesome stationary that i wanted to use. i could have written a note to him, but decided against it.
theres this nagging thought that the man has met someone, has finally allowed someone in, and that someone is not me.
does it hurt me? yeah, a little. it hurts me that the past eleven months meant...
see, this is where i stop. did my actions exhibit a loyalty to him, to what could have been? did my actions convey the deep respect i had for him, will always have for him?
from any perspective, a resounding no.
but i loved him. i loved him, and i would have chosen him over anyone and everyone. and in more than one occasion, i did.
im a dog person, so loyalty is a character trait. fierce loyalty. to the point of being stupid. to the point of being disloyal to myself.
im not a bad person, and i dont believe that my actions dictate who i am. if i do good by others, am i a good person? no. conversely, if i dont do good by others, does it mean im not a good person? no.
i err. to the highest possible nth degree, at times. not proud of it, but ive accepted it.
and what i did to him was unforgivable. ive accepted that, too. thats why i can and will no longer make any attempts at contact.
i hope, though, that in his heart, he knew what he meant to me. i tried to show him by the way i kissed him. id never kissed anyone that way. ever. not before. not since.
well, its a lesson to be learned, and i have a lot of time for review.
celibacy is a good thing.
confirmation and inspiration
im not quite satisfied with this weather, even though it rained. hard. for about...five minutes. sleets of rain. for about...five minutes.
come on, mother nature, wheres the show? i want something worthy of an academy award, please.
just finished another inspiring class. i love this instructor. so much experience in art, design, puppetry, academia. so, of course, hes gay.
hes so down to earth and real, funny, funny, and i wish to take more classes with him, but i cant right now.
starting wednesday, im going to glendale to do at least 100 of my 200 hours left for this program. i cant wait really. my site supervisor said something about helping out with a new program. this should be interesting.
i want to create. i want to move to a house where i can have a studio, a place to create some books that ive wanted to attempt. a place to develop some print.
yesterday, i went to the alcove for about an hour to just write. it felt great to get all these ideas and thoughts and feeling out of my system again.
theres a different process, for me at least, when i have a pen in hand in front of paper i just love. i have a pen and paper fetish, and its been a challenge to suppress it, but ive tried my best.
right now, i want to buy some japanese textured rice paper and leather, then bound them in a cool way to make a books. ideally, id give these books away for presents.
i can do this. im going to do this.
but first, im going to focus on taking pictures so i can put on a show. next sunday, im taking the kids to the grand avenue festival downtown, and im going to snap away.
inspiration breeds inspiration. misery breeds misery. laziness breeds laziness. creation breeds creativity.
id like to find people who will inspire me to create because when im lazy, im miserable.
the clouds have turned gray again, whereas driving home, there was an image of sky blue, brilliant white, and stunning sun.
the drama that takes place in 20 minutes. mother nature sure is a woman!
and i love her for it.
im not quite satisfied with this weather, even though it rained. hard. for about...five minutes. sleets of rain. for about...five minutes.
come on, mother nature, wheres the show? i want something worthy of an academy award, please.
just finished another inspiring class. i love this instructor. so much experience in art, design, puppetry, academia. so, of course, hes gay.
hes so down to earth and real, funny, funny, and i wish to take more classes with him, but i cant right now.
starting wednesday, im going to glendale to do at least 100 of my 200 hours left for this program. i cant wait really. my site supervisor said something about helping out with a new program. this should be interesting.
i want to create. i want to move to a house where i can have a studio, a place to create some books that ive wanted to attempt. a place to develop some print.
yesterday, i went to the alcove for about an hour to just write. it felt great to get all these ideas and thoughts and feeling out of my system again.
theres a different process, for me at least, when i have a pen in hand in front of paper i just love. i have a pen and paper fetish, and its been a challenge to suppress it, but ive tried my best.
right now, i want to buy some japanese textured rice paper and leather, then bound them in a cool way to make a books. ideally, id give these books away for presents.
i can do this. im going to do this.
but first, im going to focus on taking pictures so i can put on a show. next sunday, im taking the kids to the grand avenue festival downtown, and im going to snap away.
inspiration breeds inspiration. misery breeds misery. laziness breeds laziness. creation breeds creativity.
id like to find people who will inspire me to create because when im lazy, im miserable.
the clouds have turned gray again, whereas driving home, there was an image of sky blue, brilliant white, and stunning sun.
the drama that takes place in 20 minutes. mother nature sure is a woman!
and i love her for it.
Friday, September 21, 2007
about time
i went into my shower, and all was quiet.
i was pleasantly surprised, about 30 minutes later to the beautiful sound of...rain!!!
i may have just convinced myself that i heard thunder, that it was probably just a window closing or a garage door opening, but i heard something.
this is what ive been waiting for.
let the storm begin.
*****
yesterday, vosme told me that he broke up with his girlfriend.
how long ago? i asked.
about four months ago.
four months? and you didnt tell me anything?
i tried, but you never returned my calls or my texts.
oh, right. well, funny thing about that...
sometimes, i just shut the world, and all thats in it, out. sometimes, i need to find my inner sanctuary, seclusion from all that wants time and parts of me i cannot give.
ive found that lately, ive been retreating to my home after long days of work or forced socializing. id rather be with my son and the dogs than out drinking, talking, whatever.
im spent. emotionally, i have nothing to give, i have nothing with which i can feel, i have nothing to ask.
vosme told me that he hasnt felt any kind of attraction for anyone since the breakup, and he doesnt really want to go out with anyone.
i know how you feel, i empathized.
i tell girls that ive just broken up with someone, and im not ready for anything. i suppose i can try to get laid, but im not even feeling it.
me neither. honestly, a good book and my awesome bedsheets turn me on more than the thought of being touched by another.
i dont mind being alone. i dont really want to be with anyone right now.
yeah, same here. i mean, i dont want to hear another mans voice, you know?
of course he doesnt know. i dont tell anyone anything about w. ive told my six closest girl friends some things, but i couldnt tell igra or the red haired boy.
how could i even explain his profound presence in my life? can i retrace the last eleven months and tell them details of how ive come to be who i am right now?
ive been changed, i know. i feel it in my blood, see it in my spirit, hear it in the beats of my heart.
for better or for not, this man influenced the person i am at this moment, my thoughts, my actions, my mindset.
someday, i will have to tell him.
i went into my shower, and all was quiet.
i was pleasantly surprised, about 30 minutes later to the beautiful sound of...rain!!!
i may have just convinced myself that i heard thunder, that it was probably just a window closing or a garage door opening, but i heard something.
this is what ive been waiting for.
let the storm begin.
*****
yesterday, vosme told me that he broke up with his girlfriend.
how long ago? i asked.
about four months ago.
four months? and you didnt tell me anything?
i tried, but you never returned my calls or my texts.
oh, right. well, funny thing about that...
sometimes, i just shut the world, and all thats in it, out. sometimes, i need to find my inner sanctuary, seclusion from all that wants time and parts of me i cannot give.
ive found that lately, ive been retreating to my home after long days of work or forced socializing. id rather be with my son and the dogs than out drinking, talking, whatever.
im spent. emotionally, i have nothing to give, i have nothing with which i can feel, i have nothing to ask.
vosme told me that he hasnt felt any kind of attraction for anyone since the breakup, and he doesnt really want to go out with anyone.
i know how you feel, i empathized.
i tell girls that ive just broken up with someone, and im not ready for anything. i suppose i can try to get laid, but im not even feeling it.
me neither. honestly, a good book and my awesome bedsheets turn me on more than the thought of being touched by another.
i dont mind being alone. i dont really want to be with anyone right now.
yeah, same here. i mean, i dont want to hear another mans voice, you know?
of course he doesnt know. i dont tell anyone anything about w. ive told my six closest girl friends some things, but i couldnt tell igra or the red haired boy.
how could i even explain his profound presence in my life? can i retrace the last eleven months and tell them details of how ive come to be who i am right now?
ive been changed, i know. i feel it in my blood, see it in my spirit, hear it in the beats of my heart.
for better or for not, this man influenced the person i am at this moment, my thoughts, my actions, my mindset.
someday, i will have to tell him.
sad little attempt
when i walked out of the class today at around 8 pm, i felt two or three little drops, and i thought to myself, this is it!
i quietly thanked God that the class was finally over, that i was on my way home, and i could lay in bed and listen to the storm.
i missed w all over again, wishing that he were still somehow speaking to me so i could tell him how the storm was getting me excited and that i wanted nothing more than to be with him.
but there is no storm. nothing.
the fucking drops may as well have been like spit coming from the lips of someone who lisps, they were so few.
i mean, what the fuck, you know?
my spirit craves the lightning show, the torrential rains, the crash and boom of thunder. but nothing.
im going to take a shower, have a bit of the herbal meds, and just read. im tired as hell anyway, and ive got class tomorrow.
fucking bummer.
when i walked out of the class today at around 8 pm, i felt two or three little drops, and i thought to myself, this is it!
i quietly thanked God that the class was finally over, that i was on my way home, and i could lay in bed and listen to the storm.
i missed w all over again, wishing that he were still somehow speaking to me so i could tell him how the storm was getting me excited and that i wanted nothing more than to be with him.
but there is no storm. nothing.
the fucking drops may as well have been like spit coming from the lips of someone who lisps, they were so few.
i mean, what the fuck, you know?
my spirit craves the lightning show, the torrential rains, the crash and boom of thunder. but nothing.
im going to take a shower, have a bit of the herbal meds, and just read. im tired as hell anyway, and ive got class tomorrow.
fucking bummer.
knew it
that severe weather alert that said it was going to massively storm down on me?
never happened.
it is, once again, just so gorgeous outside, and im planning on leaving in a few minutes. have lots of things to do, and im going back to the hell hole to pass the time. otherwise, id be here.
you know, im sort of glad it isnt raining, though we need the water desperately. i cant deal with idiots.
if it rains tomorrow, im not going to katmas birthday celebration. i dont even want to go even if it doesnt rain. id prefer to just hang out.
i need to clean out my closets, both metaphorically and literally.
oh, and i believe ive gotten every virgo out of my life. ive decided to terminate my friendship with roca because her lip service of "keeping in touch with friends regardless of her relationship status" disappointed me.
i talked with dines about this last night. i understand that relationships have priority, but im just asking to not flake out on plans.
this has been a problem lately with all of my friends, it seems. but you know what? people get busy, i get that. it is, however, kind of unforgiveable to continuously make plans and break it. continuously meaning four or five times.
not that i keep count. but i have developed a sort of hesitant attitude when one of these friends make plans. right now, i am so burning pissed at lines, who has fucking skipped out on dinner twice in a row. she was the one who made the plans in the first place.
i resolve to be good to myself, and if im exposed to this behavior, im following this resolve.
this is mainly the reason why i suppress every and all desire to contact w. its akin to giving up a vice like smoking, except this is an actual person and the person i was when with him.
possibilities. luro said he loved that word. but that was probably because he was trying to get me to come over his house sometime last november. i couldnt do it, didnt want to...well, wanted to, but it was late.
anyway, if there was a possibility with w, id take it.
that severe weather alert that said it was going to massively storm down on me?
never happened.
it is, once again, just so gorgeous outside, and im planning on leaving in a few minutes. have lots of things to do, and im going back to the hell hole to pass the time. otherwise, id be here.
you know, im sort of glad it isnt raining, though we need the water desperately. i cant deal with idiots.
if it rains tomorrow, im not going to katmas birthday celebration. i dont even want to go even if it doesnt rain. id prefer to just hang out.
i need to clean out my closets, both metaphorically and literally.
oh, and i believe ive gotten every virgo out of my life. ive decided to terminate my friendship with roca because her lip service of "keeping in touch with friends regardless of her relationship status" disappointed me.
i talked with dines about this last night. i understand that relationships have priority, but im just asking to not flake out on plans.
this has been a problem lately with all of my friends, it seems. but you know what? people get busy, i get that. it is, however, kind of unforgiveable to continuously make plans and break it. continuously meaning four or five times.
not that i keep count. but i have developed a sort of hesitant attitude when one of these friends make plans. right now, i am so burning pissed at lines, who has fucking skipped out on dinner twice in a row. she was the one who made the plans in the first place.
i resolve to be good to myself, and if im exposed to this behavior, im following this resolve.
this is mainly the reason why i suppress every and all desire to contact w. its akin to giving up a vice like smoking, except this is an actual person and the person i was when with him.
possibilities. luro said he loved that word. but that was probably because he was trying to get me to come over his house sometime last november. i couldnt do it, didnt want to...well, wanted to, but it was late.
anyway, if there was a possibility with w, id take it.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
if ... and when
if i get the opportunity to spend time in his bed, under the blankets with my legs peeking out, my head on his pillow with my eyes closed, my hand on his chest with my fingers lazily tracing crooked little lines, if i get the chance to do all this again, i will tell him,
being with you here in this capacity, i let go. i slowly release all the tension in my soul, breathe in your energy, and allow you to take me.
take me, w, to the place where our emotions and physical need merge and unite. take me there by kissing me slowly, by fucking me intensely, by coaxing my orgasms with your exquisite cock.
leave me there while i revel in your cum, in my cum, in our sweat, and in this time.
let me rest with you, for a little while, for a long while, for a night, for a year.
be with me.
and when i can express this, i will know all i need to know.
if i get the opportunity to spend time in his bed, under the blankets with my legs peeking out, my head on his pillow with my eyes closed, my hand on his chest with my fingers lazily tracing crooked little lines, if i get the chance to do all this again, i will tell him,
being with you here in this capacity, i let go. i slowly release all the tension in my soul, breathe in your energy, and allow you to take me.
take me, w, to the place where our emotions and physical need merge and unite. take me there by kissing me slowly, by fucking me intensely, by coaxing my orgasms with your exquisite cock.
leave me there while i revel in your cum, in my cum, in our sweat, and in this time.
let me rest with you, for a little while, for a long while, for a night, for a year.
be with me.
and when i can express this, i will know all i need to know.
oh, and one more thing
i took pictures earlier today.
and then later on this evening.
this, i feel, is when i am most alive.
when my camera is in my hand.
when i am capturing images.
and setting them free to share with others.
this is what i want my life to be.
creation.
freedom.
peace.
love.
with someone who will allow me.
with someone who will take pride in me.
with someone who will understand my need to be.
me.
i took pictures earlier today.
and then later on this evening.
this, i feel, is when i am most alive.
when my camera is in my hand.
when i am capturing images.
and setting them free to share with others.
this is what i want my life to be.
creation.
freedom.
peace.
love.
with someone who will allow me.
with someone who will take pride in me.
with someone who will understand my need to be.
me.
insight and wisdom
ive been enjoying the time ive had with my son and the opportunity to be a mother.
okay, not a conventional mother. you wont find me with an apron on, evidence of flour on my face, and the oven on. nope, not me.
i prefer to just be who i am. it isnt so much that ive done anything out of the ordinary. i believe its a mindset that i have to be here with him and forego any sort of hunt for a relationship no matter how short or temporary.
have to? no. want to. better.
ive never really been into conventions and when motherhood came to me unexpectedly at such an early age, i rebelled against it the way i do with many things that shock me.
i resisted.
its not uncommon, i suppose, when i lacked self-control and boundaries.
i wasnt always a free spirit, or wild child as i am sometimes referred to.
my inconsistent search for freedom began when my life began: in college. life between the ages of 0 - 17 was very duty-filled, submissive, plaintive, careful, restrictive, and i was pretty much afraid of my father.
it was the times, i think, when fear was synonymous with respect.
inconsistent because there were times when i craved being with one body, and times when i needed to be with my own body. the redhaired boy used to tell me that i pushed him away and pulled him back on a whim. it was very unhealthy.
but i loved him. so much. loved him like a brother, but really didnt enjoy sex with him. he wanted to experiment with bondage, with sadism, with dominance, and frankly, i wasnt a willing participant.
when that relationship ended at the peak of a new one with the boys father, i felt relief. the boys father was great in bed (those virgo men have always satisfied me) because he was...normal.
i never loved the missionary position as much as i loved it with him because there was tenderness in locking eyes, locking lips, locking hands.
i dont miss the boys father, but i do miss this intimacy.
especially now, tonite even, when the night is so crisp and chilly.
in my small bursts of wisdom i am so aware of how much i yearn for intimacy now. i want to indulge in it, be a part of it, experience it. in the present moment.
for awhile, i wanted this intimacy to be shared with w. even now, i know that when i visualize sleeping next to someone, curling up in someones arms, that someone is w.
this isnt new. there was a subtle, unforced intimacy between us, i believe. it was so natural, even in the beginning to stay, even though my first and foremost instinct was to run.
hell, even when i ran, i couldnt run from his image, from his smell on my skin, from the marks i asked him to leave on me.
i want him. still. for all the right reasons, and some wrong ones, but because i love him, ive got to let this go. let him and let me have a chance for something greater with people whom we are better suited for.
ill spare the list of the whys and the why nots, it will be useless anyway in the long run. just a painful reminder of what was and what cant ever be.
when i punished the exbf continuously by withholding emotions (but never, ever sex because he was just too good) or by withdrawing emotionally, i hurt myself the most.
i remember the night i made the decision to end this. and the argument was so simple: i wanted him to be loved by someone who was capable of loving him the way he deserved to be loved.
it took a year of wearing him down, of breaking him, and he gave a good fight. there was nothing unchivalrous about how he walked away, even though i know the boy believes he abandoned us.
one day, ill tell the boy the truth. he was too young then to understand, but he was relieved as well as i.
but right at this moment, in the here and now, im a mother. im a counselor, a wannabepictaker, and a woman.
i have no desire to meet anyone, to open up my life and my heart for just anyone because im not ready.
my initial mistake with w was playing too close to the fire. i wish he wasnt the man he is. i wish he was just a no-good, evil doer who had no substance, no regard for me.
but he isnt.
he is an amazingly breathtaking. his nature seduces me, calms me, captivates me.
he captivates me.
still.
ive been enjoying the time ive had with my son and the opportunity to be a mother.
okay, not a conventional mother. you wont find me with an apron on, evidence of flour on my face, and the oven on. nope, not me.
i prefer to just be who i am. it isnt so much that ive done anything out of the ordinary. i believe its a mindset that i have to be here with him and forego any sort of hunt for a relationship no matter how short or temporary.
have to? no. want to. better.
ive never really been into conventions and when motherhood came to me unexpectedly at such an early age, i rebelled against it the way i do with many things that shock me.
i resisted.
its not uncommon, i suppose, when i lacked self-control and boundaries.
i wasnt always a free spirit, or wild child as i am sometimes referred to.
my inconsistent search for freedom began when my life began: in college. life between the ages of 0 - 17 was very duty-filled, submissive, plaintive, careful, restrictive, and i was pretty much afraid of my father.
it was the times, i think, when fear was synonymous with respect.
inconsistent because there were times when i craved being with one body, and times when i needed to be with my own body. the redhaired boy used to tell me that i pushed him away and pulled him back on a whim. it was very unhealthy.
but i loved him. so much. loved him like a brother, but really didnt enjoy sex with him. he wanted to experiment with bondage, with sadism, with dominance, and frankly, i wasnt a willing participant.
when that relationship ended at the peak of a new one with the boys father, i felt relief. the boys father was great in bed (those virgo men have always satisfied me) because he was...normal.
i never loved the missionary position as much as i loved it with him because there was tenderness in locking eyes, locking lips, locking hands.
i dont miss the boys father, but i do miss this intimacy.
especially now, tonite even, when the night is so crisp and chilly.
in my small bursts of wisdom i am so aware of how much i yearn for intimacy now. i want to indulge in it, be a part of it, experience it. in the present moment.
for awhile, i wanted this intimacy to be shared with w. even now, i know that when i visualize sleeping next to someone, curling up in someones arms, that someone is w.
this isnt new. there was a subtle, unforced intimacy between us, i believe. it was so natural, even in the beginning to stay, even though my first and foremost instinct was to run.
hell, even when i ran, i couldnt run from his image, from his smell on my skin, from the marks i asked him to leave on me.
i want him. still. for all the right reasons, and some wrong ones, but because i love him, ive got to let this go. let him and let me have a chance for something greater with people whom we are better suited for.
ill spare the list of the whys and the why nots, it will be useless anyway in the long run. just a painful reminder of what was and what cant ever be.
when i punished the exbf continuously by withholding emotions (but never, ever sex because he was just too good) or by withdrawing emotionally, i hurt myself the most.
i remember the night i made the decision to end this. and the argument was so simple: i wanted him to be loved by someone who was capable of loving him the way he deserved to be loved.
it took a year of wearing him down, of breaking him, and he gave a good fight. there was nothing unchivalrous about how he walked away, even though i know the boy believes he abandoned us.
one day, ill tell the boy the truth. he was too young then to understand, but he was relieved as well as i.
but right at this moment, in the here and now, im a mother. im a counselor, a wannabepictaker, and a woman.
i have no desire to meet anyone, to open up my life and my heart for just anyone because im not ready.
my initial mistake with w was playing too close to the fire. i wish he wasnt the man he is. i wish he was just a no-good, evil doer who had no substance, no regard for me.
but he isnt.
he is an amazingly breathtaking. his nature seduces me, calms me, captivates me.
he captivates me.
still.
dramatic
the weather is so beautiful and wonderfully suited for me. there is a severe weather alert that sends excitement through me. its supposed to get crazy tonite with hail and rain and storm.
if there is a storm. perspective, you know. to me, a storm is loud and angry and passionate and wants to be heard and felt...and then it goes away. thats a storm.
i hate the whiny, cloudy day with steady rainfall. that is just plain annoying.
i love storms. im lucky. here where i live, the storms do not last for days like in other parts. in fact, to the natives here, a drizzle may as well be...life threatening.
the people in this city seem to freeze in their tracks if the forecast is anything but sunny and warm. while i love temperate climate, i find that there is a sexiness about the changing of leaves, the subtleness when a breeze becomes a bit chill.
when i lived in chicago, i used to love the calm before a tornado. i remember once, there was a tornado warning in the middle of the afternoon, and i ran outside to gather the clothes from the clothesline (the luxury of hanging clothes to dry by mother natures breath is so lost here in the concrete jungle).
as i was rushing, the sun was taken ransom by large grey looming clouds, and everything went silent. literally. it was eerie, and i stood there, waiting for the wind to start gather and pick up speed.
it was a moment of such peace and surrender, a chance to run from or face fear, and i couldnt move. i didnt want to.
after a second passed, split second, and everything went cold and the grass blades bent to the punishment of the winds, i ran inside.
the side door to the garage wouldnt close. i played tug of war with that damned wind, and i won. i knew i would.
i rushed to close all the windows and glass doors, and i waited in the middle of the living room.
just waited while the house shook and held its ground, waited with tension and excitement, wondering and hoping that this too shall pass.
and of course, like every catastrophe, everything went back to normal. justlikethat.
the wind died down, not strong enough here, not free enough here to gather the strength it needed to do damage.
and the dogs started barking, the sun went about its business of shining and burning, the phone rang, and i met my friends for the last hurrah of the summer before i went to san diego.
this storm, if fierce, would be romantic if i were with w.
id always wanted to lie in his bed, look out the window, and see lightning.
yeah, well.
the weather is so beautiful and wonderfully suited for me. there is a severe weather alert that sends excitement through me. its supposed to get crazy tonite with hail and rain and storm.
if there is a storm. perspective, you know. to me, a storm is loud and angry and passionate and wants to be heard and felt...and then it goes away. thats a storm.
i hate the whiny, cloudy day with steady rainfall. that is just plain annoying.
i love storms. im lucky. here where i live, the storms do not last for days like in other parts. in fact, to the natives here, a drizzle may as well be...life threatening.
the people in this city seem to freeze in their tracks if the forecast is anything but sunny and warm. while i love temperate climate, i find that there is a sexiness about the changing of leaves, the subtleness when a breeze becomes a bit chill.
when i lived in chicago, i used to love the calm before a tornado. i remember once, there was a tornado warning in the middle of the afternoon, and i ran outside to gather the clothes from the clothesline (the luxury of hanging clothes to dry by mother natures breath is so lost here in the concrete jungle).
as i was rushing, the sun was taken ransom by large grey looming clouds, and everything went silent. literally. it was eerie, and i stood there, waiting for the wind to start gather and pick up speed.
it was a moment of such peace and surrender, a chance to run from or face fear, and i couldnt move. i didnt want to.
after a second passed, split second, and everything went cold and the grass blades bent to the punishment of the winds, i ran inside.
the side door to the garage wouldnt close. i played tug of war with that damned wind, and i won. i knew i would.
i rushed to close all the windows and glass doors, and i waited in the middle of the living room.
just waited while the house shook and held its ground, waited with tension and excitement, wondering and hoping that this too shall pass.
and of course, like every catastrophe, everything went back to normal. justlikethat.
the wind died down, not strong enough here, not free enough here to gather the strength it needed to do damage.
and the dogs started barking, the sun went about its business of shining and burning, the phone rang, and i met my friends for the last hurrah of the summer before i went to san diego.
this storm, if fierce, would be romantic if i were with w.
id always wanted to lie in his bed, look out the window, and see lightning.
yeah, well.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
close call
it almost happened. well, not almost. i had to return today for my second day of jury duty. today began at 10:30 am, but we werent called in until 11.
we broke for lunch at 12, and two lucky jurors were sent home. damn!
when we got back, i was asked several questions. i had to answer truthfully, and it felt good to say what was on my mind, even if it would be an unpopular opinion.
we were instructed to take a 12 minute break, at which point, i started to panick. i almost messaged w, quick, tell me what you said to get out of jury duty.
i didnt even type in the first letter before i couldnt continue. just seeing his name opened up my wounded heart a little, and i thought it best to not pick at the scab that is slowly forming over my wound.
i miss him still so much. there are days when i ache for him, just want to hear his voice, find out how hes doing.
but i stop myself from investigating. it hurts me still. and i have to let myself feel this pain. because when i do, it reminds me that i have to protect myself and him, too, in a way.
i dont think we want to repeat what we had. at least, i dont. the stakes are higher now. im a quality person, and if he doesnt want to be with me because hes not ready or he wants to be with his exwife or whatever the reason, i have to respect him.
besides, he wont / hasnt forgiven me. and that breaks me more. i have to work it out within myself.
but what i wouldnt give for another kiss, another look even. just something simple to remind me how nice it was to be with someone of quality, too.
oh, well. off to a meeting for the boys orchestra thing.
i fucking have a headache.
it almost happened. well, not almost. i had to return today for my second day of jury duty. today began at 10:30 am, but we werent called in until 11.
we broke for lunch at 12, and two lucky jurors were sent home. damn!
when we got back, i was asked several questions. i had to answer truthfully, and it felt good to say what was on my mind, even if it would be an unpopular opinion.
we were instructed to take a 12 minute break, at which point, i started to panick. i almost messaged w, quick, tell me what you said to get out of jury duty.
i didnt even type in the first letter before i couldnt continue. just seeing his name opened up my wounded heart a little, and i thought it best to not pick at the scab that is slowly forming over my wound.
i miss him still so much. there are days when i ache for him, just want to hear his voice, find out how hes doing.
but i stop myself from investigating. it hurts me still. and i have to let myself feel this pain. because when i do, it reminds me that i have to protect myself and him, too, in a way.
i dont think we want to repeat what we had. at least, i dont. the stakes are higher now. im a quality person, and if he doesnt want to be with me because hes not ready or he wants to be with his exwife or whatever the reason, i have to respect him.
besides, he wont / hasnt forgiven me. and that breaks me more. i have to work it out within myself.
but what i wouldnt give for another kiss, another look even. just something simple to remind me how nice it was to be with someone of quality, too.
oh, well. off to a meeting for the boys orchestra thing.
i fucking have a headache.
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
civic duty, other bullshit, and music
went to jury duty today, feeling good, feeling like ill just sit all day long, read (which, by the way, i didnt get to do), write in my journal (which i did do, and damn, it felt good), and just be quiet.
instead, i met a really cool educational consultant who i have to email because she says she has some leads for me. im going to leave this position next june, i feel it, unless some miracle happened, like i got a major raise and had a bigger office and blah blah blah.
really, my heart isnt in it. im dreading going back, and im not even going back until the 15th of october. i know the hell and the stress that face me, and im just not looking forward to going back.
so, im going to email this chick who is a hippy at heart, and i like her a lot. i loved her wedding ring setting. its just exactly what i want. except in platinum (and NOT white gold) and with a bigger diamond. if ever.
at around 2 p.m., someone calls my name, so i bid adieu to my new friend, and i go up to the 15th floor. all day long, while i was doing nothing except checking my email and other blogs, i was pretty arrogant in thinking i wasnt going to get called.
but when i was summoned to room 131 along with 64 other potential jurors, i started to get nervous. the case, which we cant speak of, involves some kind of gang activity. im going to get out of this one. im going to be honest.
i have gang members on my case load, and they are the coolest kids. but their activities really make me distrust them, though i know id be protected. one of them in fact, my favorite, offered me some muscle protection. if i ever need it.
yeah, well. so, the first 18 potential jurors were questioned, and there are some really sad stories of violence and criminal activity. it was so humbling.
i love the human spirit, those confident enough to move on and be survivors. thats what truly amazes me about w, that he is a survivor, no matter what. hes learned to be, which means he will always be.
im in the second batch of jurors who will be examined tomorrow. i cant wait. i just want to be dismissed.
the upside to this whole thing besides meeting the hippy chick is that i get to take some good shots of the buildings. tomorrow, im going to get there 3 hours early to take pictures and walk around. this is going to be a good photo shoot.
i took some day with my camera phone, and they came out really fantastic. i have to practice, have to really perfect, have to be more daring.
some time before 2 pm, i got a text message from my friend. ive decided to break up with him for good. i felt obligated to be his friend in the past, feeling honored to be visited by him, but im tired now. there is no foundation anymore.
he was really rude on my voice mail, and i think hes depressive or something. hes not only a pussy, but i think hes not INTO pussy.
whatever. i didnt get through his really sarcastic voice mail because i deleted his message. im different now. i dont have to put up with his or anyones bullshit. im empowered now, and thats just the way i like it.
on the way home, i heard my favorite led zepplin song cashmere. the red haired boy and the exbf both introduced me to classic rock. they worked it into me slowly, almost naturally, and im glad.
w sometimes had some lounge music on in the loft, and i loved it. the first night we spent, he had on classic rock on the internet radio, but that was by my request, and not because he liked it. that was the first and only time.
it wasnt that i wanted to classic rock for any other reason than i wanted to be fucked to pink floyd or ac/dc or steve miller. something. did it matter? no. when i was with w, nothing else existed for that period of time. the last time we slept together, we saw the dark sky turn blue. it was gorgeous.
i miss that so much these days.
luro had the jazz going. really snazzy, fast, sexy. but we didnt fuck to music. we fucked to our own swan song. i loved that he plays the guitar. he also confided that his parents had him learn the piano, too. so talented. i love it so.
im off to bed now. im so exhausted from the pain of sitting and deliberating and all that good stuff.
plus, my pharmacist really provided some excellent refills. yummy.
went to jury duty today, feeling good, feeling like ill just sit all day long, read (which, by the way, i didnt get to do), write in my journal (which i did do, and damn, it felt good), and just be quiet.
instead, i met a really cool educational consultant who i have to email because she says she has some leads for me. im going to leave this position next june, i feel it, unless some miracle happened, like i got a major raise and had a bigger office and blah blah blah.
really, my heart isnt in it. im dreading going back, and im not even going back until the 15th of october. i know the hell and the stress that face me, and im just not looking forward to going back.
so, im going to email this chick who is a hippy at heart, and i like her a lot. i loved her wedding ring setting. its just exactly what i want. except in platinum (and NOT white gold) and with a bigger diamond. if ever.
at around 2 p.m., someone calls my name, so i bid adieu to my new friend, and i go up to the 15th floor. all day long, while i was doing nothing except checking my email and other blogs, i was pretty arrogant in thinking i wasnt going to get called.
but when i was summoned to room 131 along with 64 other potential jurors, i started to get nervous. the case, which we cant speak of, involves some kind of gang activity. im going to get out of this one. im going to be honest.
i have gang members on my case load, and they are the coolest kids. but their activities really make me distrust them, though i know id be protected. one of them in fact, my favorite, offered me some muscle protection. if i ever need it.
yeah, well. so, the first 18 potential jurors were questioned, and there are some really sad stories of violence and criminal activity. it was so humbling.
i love the human spirit, those confident enough to move on and be survivors. thats what truly amazes me about w, that he is a survivor, no matter what. hes learned to be, which means he will always be.
im in the second batch of jurors who will be examined tomorrow. i cant wait. i just want to be dismissed.
the upside to this whole thing besides meeting the hippy chick is that i get to take some good shots of the buildings. tomorrow, im going to get there 3 hours early to take pictures and walk around. this is going to be a good photo shoot.
i took some day with my camera phone, and they came out really fantastic. i have to practice, have to really perfect, have to be more daring.
some time before 2 pm, i got a text message from my friend. ive decided to break up with him for good. i felt obligated to be his friend in the past, feeling honored to be visited by him, but im tired now. there is no foundation anymore.
he was really rude on my voice mail, and i think hes depressive or something. hes not only a pussy, but i think hes not INTO pussy.
whatever. i didnt get through his really sarcastic voice mail because i deleted his message. im different now. i dont have to put up with his or anyones bullshit. im empowered now, and thats just the way i like it.
on the way home, i heard my favorite led zepplin song cashmere. the red haired boy and the exbf both introduced me to classic rock. they worked it into me slowly, almost naturally, and im glad.
w sometimes had some lounge music on in the loft, and i loved it. the first night we spent, he had on classic rock on the internet radio, but that was by my request, and not because he liked it. that was the first and only time.
it wasnt that i wanted to classic rock for any other reason than i wanted to be fucked to pink floyd or ac/dc or steve miller. something. did it matter? no. when i was with w, nothing else existed for that period of time. the last time we slept together, we saw the dark sky turn blue. it was gorgeous.
i miss that so much these days.
luro had the jazz going. really snazzy, fast, sexy. but we didnt fuck to music. we fucked to our own swan song. i loved that he plays the guitar. he also confided that his parents had him learn the piano, too. so talented. i love it so.
im off to bed now. im so exhausted from the pain of sitting and deliberating and all that good stuff.
plus, my pharmacist really provided some excellent refills. yummy.
Monday, September 17, 2007
energy vampires
i resent any and all who try to manipulate me into spending time with them. i completely and unabashedly drive them from my life because i dont understand people like this.
ant moved back to his hometown about 5 months ago, and we parted under really bad terms. he basically told me not to contact him ever again because i never made any effort to spend time with him.
he was right. i was too engulfed and engrossed with w to even waste time with ant.
the other day, he emailed me, and i confessed to him that he it was such bad timing when he was in my life, but i truly appreciated his concern for my welfare.
but now that we are in contact again, he is demanding my time.
he whines, chat with me, talk to me, call me, spend time with me.
it is so fucking annoying and consuming to come up with lies to avoid him. this guy, im beginning to believe, was better when he hated me.
this is someone i do not want in my life under any auspices. as a friend, he is needy. i cant imagine him as a lover/boyfriend/husband/life partner.
even my boy isnt this fucking whacked.
dammit, get a life. stop trying to invade mine.
it.
aint.
gonna.
work.
however, if w wanted my attention as much as this asshole, i would wholy give him everything i have.
how about it, w?
i resent any and all who try to manipulate me into spending time with them. i completely and unabashedly drive them from my life because i dont understand people like this.
ant moved back to his hometown about 5 months ago, and we parted under really bad terms. he basically told me not to contact him ever again because i never made any effort to spend time with him.
he was right. i was too engulfed and engrossed with w to even waste time with ant.
the other day, he emailed me, and i confessed to him that he it was such bad timing when he was in my life, but i truly appreciated his concern for my welfare.
but now that we are in contact again, he is demanding my time.
he whines, chat with me, talk to me, call me, spend time with me.
it is so fucking annoying and consuming to come up with lies to avoid him. this guy, im beginning to believe, was better when he hated me.
this is someone i do not want in my life under any auspices. as a friend, he is needy. i cant imagine him as a lover/boyfriend/husband/life partner.
even my boy isnt this fucking whacked.
dammit, get a life. stop trying to invade mine.
it.
aint.
gonna.
work.
however, if w wanted my attention as much as this asshole, i would wholy give him everything i have.
how about it, w?
this could be a good thing
i have to report to jury duty tomorrow. dammit, i knew i wouldnt be able to dodge this bullet anymore. just as long as i dont have to go the rest of the week, im fine.
what the fuck, you know?
but im going to take my journal and a book, and im going to spend the time reading and writing. i dont want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. ive become antisocial that way.
in other news, my pharmacist is such eye candy. young and very cute. a mix of different cultures. his girlfriend, though, is more interesting than he is.
tonite will be an early night. spent a few hours talking to jado the insomniac last night and developed my own insomnia, so ive been napping in and out all day.
off to shower then to sample goods. maybe get some reading done.
i need a copy of lolita.
loh lee tah.
i have to report to jury duty tomorrow. dammit, i knew i wouldnt be able to dodge this bullet anymore. just as long as i dont have to go the rest of the week, im fine.
what the fuck, you know?
but im going to take my journal and a book, and im going to spend the time reading and writing. i dont want to talk to anyone or deal with anyone. ive become antisocial that way.
in other news, my pharmacist is such eye candy. young and very cute. a mix of different cultures. his girlfriend, though, is more interesting than he is.
tonite will be an early night. spent a few hours talking to jado the insomniac last night and developed my own insomnia, so ive been napping in and out all day.
off to shower then to sample goods. maybe get some reading done.
i need a copy of lolita.
loh lee tah.
omg
so, the boy got an invitation to go to japan for two weeks in the summer of 2008.
damn!
i need to book a trip for my own self for that time. i may still be at poly, but if not, if im blessed enough to get a better job in a better school district, im going away.
im so happy for him. you know what? ill go to japan, too, and visit the temples.
will i need a traveling buddy?
who knows what will happen by then?
so, the boy got an invitation to go to japan for two weeks in the summer of 2008.
damn!
i need to book a trip for my own self for that time. i may still be at poly, but if not, if im blessed enough to get a better job in a better school district, im going away.
im so happy for him. you know what? ill go to japan, too, and visit the temples.
will i need a traveling buddy?
who knows what will happen by then?
gorgeous
can this weather be any more fall-like? i mean, the sun is a love of mine again since it doesnt threaten to kill me from the intensity it produces.
i just woke up from a nap, startled. in my dream, i was yelling at my son to come home because it was an hour and a half after he was expected, and it was so ugly. when i opened my eyes, the only clock in the house showed a digital display of 2:07 pm.
i answered a few text messages from the girls at work, and i have to check my voice mail, but im just chilling until roca calls me to let me know shes ready for lunch.
shes gone again, did i tell you? went to her house last night where addi proclaimed, ive had an epiphany, and i want to be in a relationship now. im not going to run away despite my issues.
im glad for her and for roca, but i watch this one carefully. she went from being heterosexual to being homosexual rather quickly and painlessly. well, no. im sure she had her moments to think and to wonder and to figure out her life. what she wanted. and that is always painful.
its a lot of negotiating, ive found, when i have a discussion with myself about where this life is headed. what stays, what goes, what needs to be pursued, what needs to be left behind. while it is wildly exciting thinking and dreaming of all the possibilities, it is also lonely.
theres a sadness in that solo effort. and it is solo, isnt it, regardless of who is making the decision with me.
after all, im the one who has to initiate the changes, figure out logistics, etc. even if im involved with someone, ultimately, the decision is internal...and it is mine.
i text messaged luro before my nap: it was great to see you last week, l. i admire your courage to take major steps in your life. you are very inspirational. ive written more and have taken more pics because of you. thank you and take care. shes lucky as are you.
i have to do this, have some type of closure.
the breeze is blowing from the kitchen to the living room. i love the way the wind strokes my back, and the way it strokes the metal to form a happy clinking sound.
im going to try this for awhile, this being with just me and my son. one of the best things w messaged me at the final end of his time with me was this: and take care of your son. he is destined for great things. he needs you to be there for him.
so absolute, so true.
now if only w needed me, too, life would be fantabulouser.
can this weather be any more fall-like? i mean, the sun is a love of mine again since it doesnt threaten to kill me from the intensity it produces.
i just woke up from a nap, startled. in my dream, i was yelling at my son to come home because it was an hour and a half after he was expected, and it was so ugly. when i opened my eyes, the only clock in the house showed a digital display of 2:07 pm.
i answered a few text messages from the girls at work, and i have to check my voice mail, but im just chilling until roca calls me to let me know shes ready for lunch.
shes gone again, did i tell you? went to her house last night where addi proclaimed, ive had an epiphany, and i want to be in a relationship now. im not going to run away despite my issues.
im glad for her and for roca, but i watch this one carefully. she went from being heterosexual to being homosexual rather quickly and painlessly. well, no. im sure she had her moments to think and to wonder and to figure out her life. what she wanted. and that is always painful.
its a lot of negotiating, ive found, when i have a discussion with myself about where this life is headed. what stays, what goes, what needs to be pursued, what needs to be left behind. while it is wildly exciting thinking and dreaming of all the possibilities, it is also lonely.
theres a sadness in that solo effort. and it is solo, isnt it, regardless of who is making the decision with me.
after all, im the one who has to initiate the changes, figure out logistics, etc. even if im involved with someone, ultimately, the decision is internal...and it is mine.
i text messaged luro before my nap: it was great to see you last week, l. i admire your courage to take major steps in your life. you are very inspirational. ive written more and have taken more pics because of you. thank you and take care. shes lucky as are you.
i have to do this, have some type of closure.
the breeze is blowing from the kitchen to the living room. i love the way the wind strokes my back, and the way it strokes the metal to form a happy clinking sound.
im going to try this for awhile, this being with just me and my son. one of the best things w messaged me at the final end of his time with me was this: and take care of your son. he is destined for great things. he needs you to be there for him.
so absolute, so true.
now if only w needed me, too, life would be fantabulouser.
stop
i need to keep myself busy in order to not think so much about w.
and luro.
im going to read now, just indulge myself with some words and stories.
then im going to pick up my boy and hit the gym. im going to the gym for a long time today. i have to.
and as for the creative writing class. it seems that theyve scheduled classes already, and there will be no room for my class this nine weeks. but the head asked for my resume, just in case.
yeah, i fell for this before. thats how i got my adult teaching gig.
i need to get back into the classroom. maybe in january/february, ill do it. then ill go off track again, finish my hours at glendale, meet some vips, and eventually get a job there.
i have reservations and hesitations, but its all good.
i hate goodbyes.
i need to keep myself busy in order to not think so much about w.
and luro.
im going to read now, just indulge myself with some words and stories.
then im going to pick up my boy and hit the gym. im going to the gym for a long time today. i have to.
and as for the creative writing class. it seems that theyve scheduled classes already, and there will be no room for my class this nine weeks. but the head asked for my resume, just in case.
yeah, i fell for this before. thats how i got my adult teaching gig.
i need to get back into the classroom. maybe in january/february, ill do it. then ill go off track again, finish my hours at glendale, meet some vips, and eventually get a job there.
i have reservations and hesitations, but its all good.
i hate goodbyes.
productivity
im beginning to wonder if there can be a marriage between my creative side with my pragmatic side, my out-of-the-box thinking with conformity in my workplace and with school.
a few years ago, i quit my teaching job to work full-time with a start-up educational company based up north. the money was good, and since i was technically a consultant, i wasnt paying any taxes up front.
telecommuting was a dream of mine, that is until i started doing it. an ideal job for me would be to start around 10 am, end around 7 pm, and be in a place of creativity.
i entertained possibilities with all the internet companies i had read about, where employees come in in jeans and shirts and are paid to think out of the box.
this is the problem. i never allowed my inner child to develop. this is probably all psychobabble bullshit, but im putting it out there.
theres a part of me that dreams, that needs to have quiet in order to plan elaborate wonderful scenarios, in order to stay sane.
but so many things throughout the years quieted that part down, and at times, silenced it completely. the culprits are my father, my mother, my sister, my brother in law, boyfriends, teachers, friends...me.
i am to blame fully. i listened to them because i thought they were more right than i was. the more critical and vocal they were, the more right they must be, right?
and here i am now, in a profession that is an absolute fit for me, but it limits me from dreaming. my day is jam packed with crisis, intervention, listening, advising...and it drains me.
my job saps everything from me, and i find that i need to go back to that space in me where i need to dream, i need to create, i need to express.
instead, i suppressed. im not secretive to the fact that i take herbal medication, and in fact, i have to meet my pharmacist tonite. i used to drink, too, and fill my life with crap (just like igra is doing now), to tame the artist.
but its high noon, and there is a confrontation brewing. which will win? the dreamer or the realist?
i dont know. whichever one i feed, i guess, but why cant we all share in the table of plenty?
im going to make this marriage work, and heres how. im going to take pictures when i can, and im going to put a portfolio together. im going to finish up my classes and hours, and then im going to take night classes at the art center.
this is my solution. i cant have a man in my life right now, not when the boy is in this rough age, just because i need to be here for him in a consistent, loving manner. if im involved with anyone, it will take time away from that.
its all about priority, you know? im good at this. well, no, im not. lately, ive been operating on a triage mode. thats not prioritizing in a healthy way.
ive also got to slow down. ive got to go to the gym and really do some resculpting. this is a top priority. health. health is wealth.
i wonder how w is doing? im sure hes well. hes such a strong person, he wont settle for any less.
im beginning to wonder if there can be a marriage between my creative side with my pragmatic side, my out-of-the-box thinking with conformity in my workplace and with school.
a few years ago, i quit my teaching job to work full-time with a start-up educational company based up north. the money was good, and since i was technically a consultant, i wasnt paying any taxes up front.
telecommuting was a dream of mine, that is until i started doing it. an ideal job for me would be to start around 10 am, end around 7 pm, and be in a place of creativity.
i entertained possibilities with all the internet companies i had read about, where employees come in in jeans and shirts and are paid to think out of the box.
this is the problem. i never allowed my inner child to develop. this is probably all psychobabble bullshit, but im putting it out there.
theres a part of me that dreams, that needs to have quiet in order to plan elaborate wonderful scenarios, in order to stay sane.
but so many things throughout the years quieted that part down, and at times, silenced it completely. the culprits are my father, my mother, my sister, my brother in law, boyfriends, teachers, friends...me.
i am to blame fully. i listened to them because i thought they were more right than i was. the more critical and vocal they were, the more right they must be, right?
and here i am now, in a profession that is an absolute fit for me, but it limits me from dreaming. my day is jam packed with crisis, intervention, listening, advising...and it drains me.
my job saps everything from me, and i find that i need to go back to that space in me where i need to dream, i need to create, i need to express.
instead, i suppressed. im not secretive to the fact that i take herbal medication, and in fact, i have to meet my pharmacist tonite. i used to drink, too, and fill my life with crap (just like igra is doing now), to tame the artist.
but its high noon, and there is a confrontation brewing. which will win? the dreamer or the realist?
i dont know. whichever one i feed, i guess, but why cant we all share in the table of plenty?
im going to make this marriage work, and heres how. im going to take pictures when i can, and im going to put a portfolio together. im going to finish up my classes and hours, and then im going to take night classes at the art center.
this is my solution. i cant have a man in my life right now, not when the boy is in this rough age, just because i need to be here for him in a consistent, loving manner. if im involved with anyone, it will take time away from that.
its all about priority, you know? im good at this. well, no, im not. lately, ive been operating on a triage mode. thats not prioritizing in a healthy way.
ive also got to slow down. ive got to go to the gym and really do some resculpting. this is a top priority. health. health is wealth.
i wonder how w is doing? im sure hes well. hes such a strong person, he wont settle for any less.
observations
if i peer just a few centimeters over the top of my laptop, i can see the books that exbf left. his taste in books, music, art, intellectual stimulation, women was (and im sure still is) eclectic.
i discover the titles today, and i want to make my way to the shelf and open one, but i cant.
not yet. im over him. i think.
but im still in a space where w still pretty much exists. im making a conscious decision to not think of him, and when i catch myself thinking of him, i become very mindful of what im doing.
thats pretty much a trick, to be in the present, to allow the power of now to come in.
but w is an amazing person. i wish to go back in the past and undo what ive done, but lets face it, the damned result would be the same.
hes as scared as i am, as anyone is, and i know his type. he wont do it. weve spoken about the way he is not a risk taker, settling instead for a carefully planned, safe existence.
today, i took the boy into the city to take pictures. i took a few shots, and i loved the sound of the click of my camera. but i can tell he was very uncomfortable at the difference from here to there.
wheres your sense of adventure? i asked him.
im actually glad we went here today. its pretty awesome.
yeah.
mom, whats club galaxy?
according to the sign, what do you think it is?
im going to go in. i need to put some of these girls through college.
the kid has a great sense of humor, yes?
if i peer just a few centimeters over the top of my laptop, i can see the books that exbf left. his taste in books, music, art, intellectual stimulation, women was (and im sure still is) eclectic.
i discover the titles today, and i want to make my way to the shelf and open one, but i cant.
not yet. im over him. i think.
but im still in a space where w still pretty much exists. im making a conscious decision to not think of him, and when i catch myself thinking of him, i become very mindful of what im doing.
thats pretty much a trick, to be in the present, to allow the power of now to come in.
but w is an amazing person. i wish to go back in the past and undo what ive done, but lets face it, the damned result would be the same.
hes as scared as i am, as anyone is, and i know his type. he wont do it. weve spoken about the way he is not a risk taker, settling instead for a carefully planned, safe existence.
today, i took the boy into the city to take pictures. i took a few shots, and i loved the sound of the click of my camera. but i can tell he was very uncomfortable at the difference from here to there.
wheres your sense of adventure? i asked him.
im actually glad we went here today. its pretty awesome.
yeah.
mom, whats club galaxy?
according to the sign, what do you think it is?
im going to go in. i need to put some of these girls through college.
the kid has a great sense of humor, yes?
karma
is there something wrong with me that i dont regret the time i spent with luro or with el otro?
shit...
if i have to ask, im sure there is, no?
ps...luro is such an incredible person, and im glad we "broke up" because he deserves to be loved and to be with someone. it just aint me. i know this.
yet, i feel such a resigned sadness.
is there something wrong with me that i dont regret the time i spent with luro or with el otro?
shit...
if i have to ask, im sure there is, no?
ps...luro is such an incredible person, and im glad we "broke up" because he deserves to be loved and to be with someone. it just aint me. i know this.
yet, i feel such a resigned sadness.
third times a charm
surely, i thought there was a fluke, but i tried three times, and i got the same card. the fates have deemed my tarot card as...
surely, i thought there was a fluke, but i tried three times, and i got the same card. the fates have deemed my tarot card as...
You are The Wheel of Fortune
Good fortune and happiness but sometimes a species of
intoxication with success
The Wheel of Fortune is all about big things, luck, change, fortune. Almost always good fortune. You are lucky in all things that you do and happy with the things that come to you. Be careful that success does not go to your head however. Sometimes luck can change.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Sunday, September 16, 2007
talented
i just finished watching a 5-minute scene from lolita that he directed.
damn, it was hot. not the actors, but the portayal of the scene, the direction of their movement, of the glances they shared, and of the last scene.
he has a great eye, and i wish i can share with y'all the pictures hes taken, the work hes done, and other directorial efforts hes made, but i believe in anonymity.
i wouldnt share that here unless i had his explicit permission, and for him to grant that, id have to give up the identity of me here. and i dont want to do that. ever.
its actually on youtube, but youd have to search that yourself.
god, hes so artistic.
and a romantic. i love his tag line. a romantic trapped in a bohemians body.
shit. im glad hes found someone, but i wish he hadnt yet, you know?
i like him. i like the fun we have, all five times we got together, but it feels like theres more to share.
i just finished watching a 5-minute scene from lolita that he directed.
damn, it was hot. not the actors, but the portayal of the scene, the direction of their movement, of the glances they shared, and of the last scene.
he has a great eye, and i wish i can share with y'all the pictures hes taken, the work hes done, and other directorial efforts hes made, but i believe in anonymity.
i wouldnt share that here unless i had his explicit permission, and for him to grant that, id have to give up the identity of me here. and i dont want to do that. ever.
its actually on youtube, but youd have to search that yourself.
god, hes so artistic.
and a romantic. i love his tag line. a romantic trapped in a bohemians body.
shit. im glad hes found someone, but i wish he hadnt yet, you know?
i like him. i like the fun we have, all five times we got together, but it feels like theres more to share.
a few notes
on the phone, he asked, so how is the boy?
hes well. he started high school the other day. hes pretty intelligent.
im sure he is.
yeah, but you know its both a blessing and a curse.
how so?
sacrifice of time to do what people believe youre capable of doing. but this is what he wanted. this is his choice.
hes a great kid.
sometimes. and there are times when...well, lets just say there are times.
the way he always asks about the boy endears me more to him. it melts more my already melted heart, and i wish that when he becomes a father that i would be there, but i know that it would be impossible.
and then when i got there, when we were in his bedroom, when i was licking the tip of his cock, i look up and confess, im glad youre ending this.
you are?
yes. very. do you want to know why?
tell me.
i move up from my position of submission, look him in the eyes, get so close that his lips touch mine, and i whisper, because i dont every want to sneak around. i dont want to have to look over my shoulders or jump at every sound. i want to be present with you instead of thinking about everything else but you.
he looks at me with his soulful brown eyes, just looking at me until i smile my half-smile, then he kisses me.
hard.
his teeth cutting into my tongue almost, my mind spinning and listening for an interruption, but feeling good.
after he fucks me, as i walk around the bed, i spy a picture of him and a girl. they must be at a semi formal event, she in a black dress with a huge smile, he in a white button down with a look of appreciation, she with her head on his shoulders, he sitting upright allowing her.
she doesnt look his type, but he has many friends of the feminine kind, and i may be wrong in thinking this is his girl. it doesnt matter. i dont want to know.
we always had a connection, a chemistry, a familiarity that defies the boundaries of time. the first time we were together, i fucked it up by saying, well, i guess this is the last time we will be seeing each other.
is that what you want?
silence. then i ask him if he will play some songs for me on his guitar. one song, he introduces by saying, im sure youve heard this one before.
i love it. every time i hear the first chords, i am immediately brought back to his place, to our night.
the timing was all wrong. and i dont trust him. there is something about him that i know would not be monogamous with me had we ever had one, and i would not blame him. this man is different, special, and i would allow it.
but, too, i wouldnt be monogamous. he is an incredible person, and while we have this strong bond physically as well as a deep connection, i fear i would look and find elsewhere.
i want to know this mans story, i want to know his childhood, his adulthood. i want to know him, you know, know the immensity of his heart and imagination.
i hunger for it, and ive told him, and he just stands back and listens to me. quite honestly, i dont think he meets many like me, so direct and blunt, and i know it scares him as hes told me once before.
there is just an easiness between us when we get together, which is perhaps why he put the brakes on. it isnt fair to anyone if we continue this "friendship".
it isnt disrespectful, we arent just booty calls. theres more to it, but it isnt enough.
i think we genuinely like each other, and we genuinely like sleeping with each other, but i know that we cant do it. not anymore.
i know that if it were me who was engaged in a "serious relationship", he would be one that i would let go because it is beyond us, this imminent attraction. its too strong, and we cant really just "be friends."
but i would have liked to.
however, i find myself leaving him so quickly and hurriedly. even if my feet are planted on his rug or my ass is on the couch, my spirit just longs to run away.
its suffocating almost.
when i saw him then, which was one of the best times ive had with him, i wanted to leave, but he convinced me to stay.
im easy when it comes to him, difficult and unable to say no to anything he wants. even him licking my clit, though it is something i dont do on the first "date", is a point of contention, but because he wants to do it, i allowed him.
i dont allow myself to think "what if" with him, the way i did with w. with luro, the possibilities are endless, yet i know that we do not belong in an everyday sort of way.
but with w, ive fantasized and imagined and planned a daily existence, and i have to admit, i liked it.
on the phone, he asked, so how is the boy?
hes well. he started high school the other day. hes pretty intelligent.
im sure he is.
yeah, but you know its both a blessing and a curse.
how so?
sacrifice of time to do what people believe youre capable of doing. but this is what he wanted. this is his choice.
hes a great kid.
sometimes. and there are times when...well, lets just say there are times.
the way he always asks about the boy endears me more to him. it melts more my already melted heart, and i wish that when he becomes a father that i would be there, but i know that it would be impossible.
and then when i got there, when we were in his bedroom, when i was licking the tip of his cock, i look up and confess, im glad youre ending this.
you are?
yes. very. do you want to know why?
tell me.
i move up from my position of submission, look him in the eyes, get so close that his lips touch mine, and i whisper, because i dont every want to sneak around. i dont want to have to look over my shoulders or jump at every sound. i want to be present with you instead of thinking about everything else but you.
he looks at me with his soulful brown eyes, just looking at me until i smile my half-smile, then he kisses me.
hard.
his teeth cutting into my tongue almost, my mind spinning and listening for an interruption, but feeling good.
after he fucks me, as i walk around the bed, i spy a picture of him and a girl. they must be at a semi formal event, she in a black dress with a huge smile, he in a white button down with a look of appreciation, she with her head on his shoulders, he sitting upright allowing her.
she doesnt look his type, but he has many friends of the feminine kind, and i may be wrong in thinking this is his girl. it doesnt matter. i dont want to know.
we always had a connection, a chemistry, a familiarity that defies the boundaries of time. the first time we were together, i fucked it up by saying, well, i guess this is the last time we will be seeing each other.
is that what you want?
silence. then i ask him if he will play some songs for me on his guitar. one song, he introduces by saying, im sure youve heard this one before.
i love it. every time i hear the first chords, i am immediately brought back to his place, to our night.
the timing was all wrong. and i dont trust him. there is something about him that i know would not be monogamous with me had we ever had one, and i would not blame him. this man is different, special, and i would allow it.
but, too, i wouldnt be monogamous. he is an incredible person, and while we have this strong bond physically as well as a deep connection, i fear i would look and find elsewhere.
i want to know this mans story, i want to know his childhood, his adulthood. i want to know him, you know, know the immensity of his heart and imagination.
i hunger for it, and ive told him, and he just stands back and listens to me. quite honestly, i dont think he meets many like me, so direct and blunt, and i know it scares him as hes told me once before.
there is just an easiness between us when we get together, which is perhaps why he put the brakes on. it isnt fair to anyone if we continue this "friendship".
it isnt disrespectful, we arent just booty calls. theres more to it, but it isnt enough.
i think we genuinely like each other, and we genuinely like sleeping with each other, but i know that we cant do it. not anymore.
i know that if it were me who was engaged in a "serious relationship", he would be one that i would let go because it is beyond us, this imminent attraction. its too strong, and we cant really just "be friends."
but i would have liked to.
however, i find myself leaving him so quickly and hurriedly. even if my feet are planted on his rug or my ass is on the couch, my spirit just longs to run away.
its suffocating almost.
when i saw him then, which was one of the best times ive had with him, i wanted to leave, but he convinced me to stay.
im easy when it comes to him, difficult and unable to say no to anything he wants. even him licking my clit, though it is something i dont do on the first "date", is a point of contention, but because he wants to do it, i allowed him.
i dont allow myself to think "what if" with him, the way i did with w. with luro, the possibilities are endless, yet i know that we do not belong in an everyday sort of way.
but with w, ive fantasized and imagined and planned a daily existence, and i have to admit, i liked it.
Saturday, September 15, 2007
ruminations
- i pray luros girl is awesome and appreciates his wonderful qualities of intelligence and sweetness and sense of adventure. he isnt the most gifted in the area of size, but he makes up for it with his amazing voice (he does voice overs), his kindness, and his oral expertise.
- i pray that w heals from the hurts from his past and that one day, he will forgive me. and while im praying for that, i pray he will speak to me again.
- even though i hate myspace, it grants me access to just a few people. i love looking at roben because he is so hot to me. and the fact that he takes amazing pictures for a living renders me speechless. and luros page is pretty damn well done. ive found others there, and it just sickens me.
- i cant wait until monday. wanna know why? because i dont have to be at work. i may have to report to jury duty, but still. and i do go, im going to take pictures downtown. ive got to get started on my portfolio.
- painting is something ive always wanted to try. i want to paint walls, paint on canvas, paint on paper. i was so inspired today. i think i need to just be creative every once in awhile. my profession fulfills a part of me, but sometimes, distracts me from other parts of me.
- i wish w knew that when i was with him, i really liked myself. i loved the calmness he provided. i loved how amazing his energy was. i wish he knew this because he is so valuable and worthy. and a great kisser.
- i fear i will always choose freedom more than being in a relationship. ironically, igra supports and understands this. will have to tell y'all about lunch yesterday. it was so fun.
- im going to smoke out now and sleep. ive written so much today. this is what ive missed doing.
- and fuck ant. fuck the pressure to reimburse him for his friendship. he can fuck himself. loser.
- i pray luros girl is awesome and appreciates his wonderful qualities of intelligence and sweetness and sense of adventure. he isnt the most gifted in the area of size, but he makes up for it with his amazing voice (he does voice overs), his kindness, and his oral expertise.
- i pray that w heals from the hurts from his past and that one day, he will forgive me. and while im praying for that, i pray he will speak to me again.
- even though i hate myspace, it grants me access to just a few people. i love looking at roben because he is so hot to me. and the fact that he takes amazing pictures for a living renders me speechless. and luros page is pretty damn well done. ive found others there, and it just sickens me.
- i cant wait until monday. wanna know why? because i dont have to be at work. i may have to report to jury duty, but still. and i do go, im going to take pictures downtown. ive got to get started on my portfolio.
- painting is something ive always wanted to try. i want to paint walls, paint on canvas, paint on paper. i was so inspired today. i think i need to just be creative every once in awhile. my profession fulfills a part of me, but sometimes, distracts me from other parts of me.
- i wish w knew that when i was with him, i really liked myself. i loved the calmness he provided. i loved how amazing his energy was. i wish he knew this because he is so valuable and worthy. and a great kisser.
- i fear i will always choose freedom more than being in a relationship. ironically, igra supports and understands this. will have to tell y'all about lunch yesterday. it was so fun.
- im going to smoke out now and sleep. ive written so much today. this is what ive missed doing.
- and fuck ant. fuck the pressure to reimburse him for his friendship. he can fuck himself. loser.
inevitable
growing up, i was very sheltered and overprotected. my father, being macho and wanting to be the only man in my and sisters lives, declared early on in my life, if i find out you have a boyfriend, im going to cut off his penis, and send you back to the islands.
this scared the shit out of me. so much so that i did not engage in the type of social activity that included many boys.
but eventually, i got my first kiss when i was in 8th grade. once, my friend and i were drinking at his favorite spot that overlooks the city somewhat, and we talked about our first kiss. he was talkative that night, giddy from drinking.
who was your first kiss with? he asked.
i dont remember. who was yours with?
he told me about her, about the details that were fuzzy because i really wasnt listening. he told me he didnt make the first move, and i think its because hes insecure. or a pussy. whatever.
when he finished, he pursued his initial question, come on, who was your first kiss with?
i told you i dont remember.
yeah, you do.
dennis de tsantis. he was a twin. i was really in love with his brother, danny. he got together with my sister.
what grade were you?
eighth.
where?
in chicago, the suburbs.
no, where was the kiss?
at the park, by the swings.
see, i knew you remember.
i snuck around so as to not defy my fathers rules. id only go out with a boy during summer vacations or if during the school year, id go out for just a few weeks.
that is until i met the most awesome guy named dave k when i was a junior and he was a sophomore (thats the beginning with younger boys). i think it was because of him that i have a fetish about the name and the guys with those names.
he was blond, blue eyed, tall with an athletic build, and wore braces. he had the sweetest voice, and the kindest smile. he drew pictures for me, and we talked every afternoon before my father came home from his job in the city.
he introduced me to his mother, and i knew that the apple hadnt fallen far from the tree. they lived far from me, far because we had no car.
he didnt understand why he couldnt meet my parents, but thats because he wasnt supposed to exist.
for awhile, he was patient, but then he began to push to hang out more after school, at football games, at the roller rink on saturday nights. i kept making excuses until one day, he confronted me.
are you ashamed of me? he asked.
no. why would you say that?
because you dont want to see me. you dont invite me to your house, you dont invite me to hang out with your friends, you dont want to see me at all.
give me time. ive got lots of homework, and ive got to take care of my brother.
i have homework, too.
okay, ill try.
this saturday.
ill try.
te amo.
huh?
it means i love you in spanish.
i know. im taking spanish, too. how long have you been studying it?
this is my first year. y tu?
since eighth grade.
so you know what it means.
si.
te amo.
in english, please.
i love you.
so cute. but that saturday, i couldnt meet him. i broke it off. he deserved someone who can hang out with him, do fun things.
he cried, and he tried to change my mind, but i hated the pressure of having a boyfriend. he was angry, blamed himself for pushing, said hed work with me.
but i was done. i was sick of the whole thing even though i found him to be such a lovely person.
a few weeks later, he called me on a saturday. he slurred, guess where i am?
i dont know.
im at a bar, drunk.
fake id?
yeah.
cool.
i just fucked a girl in the bathroom.
oh.
well, she wanted to be with me.
okay.
it wasnt hard to convince her to hang out.
i get it.
he was so innocent before when we were together, so saccharine sweet that i feared cavities, and then he became an asshole.
the following week he apologized, m, im sorry about calling you and saying all that.
uh huh.
i am. im so sorry. i was a dick.
uh huh.
you hate me now, huh?
uh huh.
fine. i dont care. you can hate me, but i love you. te amo.
uh huh.
bye.
uh huh.
that was the last conversation wed have unless we called to check in on each other every once in awhile.
when i moved to la, i didnt have the courage to call him to say goodbye, to have that talk that will surely confirm the end.
the summer i went back to chicago, i called him. told him i spent my senior year in a totally urban setting so different than the fucking suburbs, that ive made friends who were not at all vanilla, and that i was home for a few weeks before i left for san diego.
he asked to meet, and i agreed, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out. driving around to see all that has changed and all that has remained the same.
when he dropped me off, he looked at me, and said, will you come back for my prom?
i dont know if i can. college and all, you know?
yeah, but i figure if i ask you now, that youd make it happen.
what if we meet others?
i didnt meet anyone all this year. have you?
yes.
and?
i fucked up, and he met someone, and it broke my heart.
so, come on. prom?
i hate that shit. i didnt go to prom.
youll be with me.
ill let you know.
of course, it didnt happen. i met the red haired boy, and the last part of freshmen year at ucsd was hectic. two summers later, i called him. when i asked for him and gave my name to the speaker, she introduced herself, and said, ive heard so much about you.
oh?
yeah, hang on, here he is.
his voice did it to me. i fell apart, and i told him about my failure at relationships, my love of the ocean, and my impending move to a dry city.
we talked about his life, the two girls he doted on, and if you ever make it back here, come visit us. shes excited to meet you.
i wont even ask what youve told her.
nothing but nice. you know that. youve always said i was the nicest guy you would never marry.
marry? i couldnt even have you as a boyfriend.
huh?
and thats when i told him every thing about my father, about sneaking around, about pressures.
you could have told me this then.
what would it have changed?
i wouldnt have pushed.
doesnt matter now.
would have mattered then.
i would have still left, you know.
we never will know.
and that was the last time. i didnt want to intrude in his life, and i had my own life to live.
so, the inevitable has happened. earlier this evening, in fact.
the boy told me that hes met someone who could be the one?
she isnt the one.
how do you know that?
because youre going to meet many before you meet the one.
well, we are friends. thats a base for something more, right?
right. friendships are good, but listen, i know you have to go through your first love, your first hurt, and i just want to tell you that this drama might distract you from what youve worked hard for.
no, it wont.
yeah, it may.
im just going to try it out, and if it doesnt work out, i wont do it.
do what?
have a girlfriend.
not until youre 15, you were aware of this.
i know.
so, i expect you to be friends.
okay. thanks for letting me hang out with my friends today. i know you trust me.
i do. just dont ever make me regret that. it would be the worst feeling.
okay, mom.
i love this kid. and so, once again, i have to make a sacrifice. i wont be involved with anyone for awhile. ive got to concentrate on the care and feeding of this child.
because, even though i have extended family support, im in this alone.
and thats all right by me.
growing up, i was very sheltered and overprotected. my father, being macho and wanting to be the only man in my and sisters lives, declared early on in my life, if i find out you have a boyfriend, im going to cut off his penis, and send you back to the islands.
this scared the shit out of me. so much so that i did not engage in the type of social activity that included many boys.
but eventually, i got my first kiss when i was in 8th grade. once, my friend and i were drinking at his favorite spot that overlooks the city somewhat, and we talked about our first kiss. he was talkative that night, giddy from drinking.
who was your first kiss with? he asked.
i dont remember. who was yours with?
he told me about her, about the details that were fuzzy because i really wasnt listening. he told me he didnt make the first move, and i think its because hes insecure. or a pussy. whatever.
when he finished, he pursued his initial question, come on, who was your first kiss with?
i told you i dont remember.
yeah, you do.
dennis de tsantis. he was a twin. i was really in love with his brother, danny. he got together with my sister.
what grade were you?
eighth.
where?
in chicago, the suburbs.
no, where was the kiss?
at the park, by the swings.
see, i knew you remember.
i snuck around so as to not defy my fathers rules. id only go out with a boy during summer vacations or if during the school year, id go out for just a few weeks.
that is until i met the most awesome guy named dave k when i was a junior and he was a sophomore (thats the beginning with younger boys). i think it was because of him that i have a fetish about the name and the guys with those names.
he was blond, blue eyed, tall with an athletic build, and wore braces. he had the sweetest voice, and the kindest smile. he drew pictures for me, and we talked every afternoon before my father came home from his job in the city.
he introduced me to his mother, and i knew that the apple hadnt fallen far from the tree. they lived far from me, far because we had no car.
he didnt understand why he couldnt meet my parents, but thats because he wasnt supposed to exist.
for awhile, he was patient, but then he began to push to hang out more after school, at football games, at the roller rink on saturday nights. i kept making excuses until one day, he confronted me.
are you ashamed of me? he asked.
no. why would you say that?
because you dont want to see me. you dont invite me to your house, you dont invite me to hang out with your friends, you dont want to see me at all.
give me time. ive got lots of homework, and ive got to take care of my brother.
i have homework, too.
okay, ill try.
this saturday.
ill try.
te amo.
huh?
it means i love you in spanish.
i know. im taking spanish, too. how long have you been studying it?
this is my first year. y tu?
since eighth grade.
so you know what it means.
si.
te amo.
in english, please.
i love you.
so cute. but that saturday, i couldnt meet him. i broke it off. he deserved someone who can hang out with him, do fun things.
he cried, and he tried to change my mind, but i hated the pressure of having a boyfriend. he was angry, blamed himself for pushing, said hed work with me.
but i was done. i was sick of the whole thing even though i found him to be such a lovely person.
a few weeks later, he called me on a saturday. he slurred, guess where i am?
i dont know.
im at a bar, drunk.
fake id?
yeah.
cool.
i just fucked a girl in the bathroom.
oh.
well, she wanted to be with me.
okay.
it wasnt hard to convince her to hang out.
i get it.
he was so innocent before when we were together, so saccharine sweet that i feared cavities, and then he became an asshole.
the following week he apologized, m, im sorry about calling you and saying all that.
uh huh.
i am. im so sorry. i was a dick.
uh huh.
you hate me now, huh?
uh huh.
fine. i dont care. you can hate me, but i love you. te amo.
uh huh.
bye.
uh huh.
that was the last conversation wed have unless we called to check in on each other every once in awhile.
when i moved to la, i didnt have the courage to call him to say goodbye, to have that talk that will surely confirm the end.
the summer i went back to chicago, i called him. told him i spent my senior year in a totally urban setting so different than the fucking suburbs, that ive made friends who were not at all vanilla, and that i was home for a few weeks before i left for san diego.
he asked to meet, and i agreed, and we spent the afternoon just hanging out. driving around to see all that has changed and all that has remained the same.
when he dropped me off, he looked at me, and said, will you come back for my prom?
i dont know if i can. college and all, you know?
yeah, but i figure if i ask you now, that youd make it happen.
what if we meet others?
i didnt meet anyone all this year. have you?
yes.
and?
i fucked up, and he met someone, and it broke my heart.
so, come on. prom?
i hate that shit. i didnt go to prom.
youll be with me.
ill let you know.
of course, it didnt happen. i met the red haired boy, and the last part of freshmen year at ucsd was hectic. two summers later, i called him. when i asked for him and gave my name to the speaker, she introduced herself, and said, ive heard so much about you.
oh?
yeah, hang on, here he is.
his voice did it to me. i fell apart, and i told him about my failure at relationships, my love of the ocean, and my impending move to a dry city.
we talked about his life, the two girls he doted on, and if you ever make it back here, come visit us. shes excited to meet you.
i wont even ask what youve told her.
nothing but nice. you know that. youve always said i was the nicest guy you would never marry.
marry? i couldnt even have you as a boyfriend.
huh?
and thats when i told him every thing about my father, about sneaking around, about pressures.
you could have told me this then.
what would it have changed?
i wouldnt have pushed.
doesnt matter now.
would have mattered then.
i would have still left, you know.
we never will know.
and that was the last time. i didnt want to intrude in his life, and i had my own life to live.
so, the inevitable has happened. earlier this evening, in fact.
the boy told me that hes met someone who could be the one?
she isnt the one.
how do you know that?
because youre going to meet many before you meet the one.
well, we are friends. thats a base for something more, right?
right. friendships are good, but listen, i know you have to go through your first love, your first hurt, and i just want to tell you that this drama might distract you from what youve worked hard for.
no, it wont.
yeah, it may.
im just going to try it out, and if it doesnt work out, i wont do it.
do what?
have a girlfriend.
not until youre 15, you were aware of this.
i know.
so, i expect you to be friends.
okay. thanks for letting me hang out with my friends today. i know you trust me.
i do. just dont ever make me regret that. it would be the worst feeling.
okay, mom.
i love this kid. and so, once again, i have to make a sacrifice. i wont be involved with anyone for awhile. ive got to concentrate on the care and feeding of this child.
because, even though i have extended family support, im in this alone.
and thats all right by me.
the sweetest goodbye
it starts with me leaving this message on his voice mail: hey, l, its m. hope youre well. im on vacation now, and i was wondering if you had any free time to watch a movie or get coffee. in case my number doesnt show up, here it is. talk to you soon.
he calls me the next day, but i miss it prompting me to call him and say, why are you calling my phone and not leaving me a message?
why arent you answering my call?
i didnt know my phone was ringing. it was in the drawer.
we make the customary small talk, hello, how are you, its been so long, whats been going on with you, not much, me neither, i got a new job, ive got a new project, id like to see a screening of it, its in the top one hundred of finalists in a contest i submitted it to, awesome...blah blah blah.
hey, i say, the reason im calling you is i need your help. i got a new job, you know.
you did?
yes. guess what i do now.
does it have something to do with words?
words? why do you say that?
because you were a cunning linguist.
but you were always the master debater.
i tell him im curious about his background, how he got to be so incredibly intelligent without any formal schooling, and he gives me a glimpse of his youth.
the guy is amazing. he is funny, witty, and so fucking sweet. these are the three things that leave me breathless about him.
but there is a reserve about him today, and the reason why is simple: yeah, ive been seeing someone for awhile now.
you getting married any time soon?
yeah, almost.
wow! im so happy for you.
thank you, but im not there yet.
well, i know its what you want, and now you have it.
yeah, but im a bit hesitant because, you know, ive tried this before, i was married once...
i remember.
and when i fail at something, its kind of...
i dont see it as failure.
no, it wasnt a failure.
look, you were married, and it didnt work out. that doesnt mean you failed, it just means that it wasnt right.
we skirt around the subject of whether or not to get together, and i find myself in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar boredom. luro and i always had a banter between us, but today, i almost endthe call.
finally, he says, m, do you want to come over?
yes, l, i do.
come, itll be fun.
okay. im going to finish up here. can you give me directions?
it takes me an hour to get out of there because im stalling. my stalling leads to me being stuck in traffic, which leads me to call and say, l, take me to you via the 134.
ill take you, but first you have to come here.
i know, im stuck in traffic, and i want to go around it. can you text me the way?
you know how it is when youre in a rush. you get stuck behind the grandma who just finished shopping for her homemade bread, the dumbass bitch who is on the cell going 35 on the fast lane, the idiot who keeps signaling to get into your lane but doesnt really want to.
by the time, i get to his house, im frazzled, so i sit in my car and breathe.
i get confused as to which duplex is his until he opens the door, smiles, and says, youre okay.
i enter and find the house with a homier feel, good ole dexter and a little loud dog i couldve killed, and music.
every time i come here, you have the best music playing, i complement him.
thank you.
where is this coming from? its just fucking great. havent heard such an eclectic collection.
come here.
i go to him, and he kisses me. a sweet, natural kiss to greet me. dexter comes to me.
hello, dexter. i love dexter.
hes sniffing you because he likes you.
hey, baby, how have you been?
he remembers you and how you smell.
hes just absolutely beautiful.
can i get you something to drink? this is why i like visiting him. he is such a great host.
no, im fine.
he comes to me on the couch, and we look at each other, smile, and he says, lets go.
he leads me to his bedroom, and it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust to how much stuff he has in there now. before, it was just his bed, an amp in the corner, a guitar next to the amp, and our clothes strewn all over the floor.
he kisses me, slowly, sweetly, deliciously, and he lays on the bed. i push his shirt up, and i lick around my favorite area on his body.
your tongue is so precise, he moans.
thank you. i try.
he pulls me up and kisses me, and i fall on my back.
he confesses, i love the way you kiss me.
i love the way you respond to my kiss.
so, you know, i have to be honest with you.
okay.
when i called you today, i called to tell you we couldnt do this anymore.
im sorry?
i wanted to tell you that i couldnt see you anymore, but i couldnt. i have to be honest.
youre breaking up with me? he touches my hair, takes strands of it, and rolls his fingers in them.
i guess i am.
listen, i totally respect your decision. im glad for you because this is what youve wanted. (i know this is what hes wanted, to be in a long term relationship, to not be lonely. i knew it the first time i met him, i knew it as i was leaving his bed the first time, i knew it when i went back to him. i knew that he wants to have children, to be married again, to be with one woman because he is a romantic. i believe that he is tired of being alone, though i think its his nature to be so. i also believe, and i hate to say this, that he may not be capable of monogamous. this is a perception, not necessarily a prediction. this is based on his past and on the present time, with me.)
thank you.
youre welcome, so listen, im going to go now.
really? maria...
l, come on, walk me out.
can i get you some coffee?
real coffee?
brewed. do you want cream and sugar? or do you just want cream?
cream. no sugar.
lots of cream?
i dont want it blond, but yes, cream.
the coffee is hot to my touch, and i prefer iced tea or something cooler, but instead, i call dines. luro confirms that we are breaking up.
we hang up with dines, and he asks me, are you really leaving?
its the best thing, yes?
if you want.
okay.
before you go, can i ask? do you want to have break up sex?
yes.
good. come on.
we walk down the hall again to the bedroom. i push him against the wall, and i take his cock while he leans his head back. he plays with my hair and pushes my head into his cock while he fucks my face. i stop and look at him. he is so gorgeous.
see, i fell for this before, i say.
fell for what?
you know, when we met i was celibate, and then i didnt see you for a few months and i was still celibate, and you convinced me that i wouldnt be breaking a vow of celibacy if i slept with you because you werent new sex.
ah, yes.
so, now this? break up sex?
he walks to the bed, sits down, and i sit down next to him.
youve never heard of break up sex?
no, ive heard of mercy sex and make up sex, but never never ever heard of break up sex.
well, break up sex is when you have sex because youre breaking up.
why would i want to have sex when im getting dumped?
he answers by kissing me hard, and i couldnt help but respond to him. he slips his hand inside my pants from the back, passing against my ass, finding my clit and hole.
he kisses me as hes doing this, and i tell him, i want to cum.
yes, baby, cum for me.
when i cum, i say his name, and he holds me as waves pass through me. he sucks his fingers and smells me, then he puts his fingers in my mouth. he looks at me intently, and i close my eyes to avoid his gaze.
i suck his cock, put his fingers in my mouth at the same time, and then he pulls me to his face. he kisses me as he unbuttons my pants and pulls them off of me. he moves down, and i pull him back up, and he looks at me in a way that made me know he wasnt going to take no again.
i move away from his mouth, and he says, it isnt fair, i want to taste you, m.
you already have, on your fingers, just now.
he finds my clit with his tongue, and the world stops. he is the best head ive ever had, something about him, not only his tongue, but him, his eagerness to please me, this is what completely excites me.
his fingers are in my hole and in my ass, and he fucks me with his tongue and fingers until i cum again and again. i lie there, unable to move, as he gets a condom.
he slips it on, and he enters me, lifting my legs to his chest, and he fucks me. he fucks me, and i cum. then he moves out of me, turns my leg to one side, licks his finger, and sticks it in my ass. then he slips his cock in my ass.
just.
like.
that.
without any warning, without any lube, and without permission.
he moves in and out of me, thrusting into me hard, angry almost, and he brings his face next to mine, and he lowers his lips and his tongue and he kisses me while he fucks me.
he fucks me so hard that my eyes water, and he kisses me so hard that my lips are sore, and when he moves his head to my hair, i feel him cum.
he cums, and his body is shaking, and i push him off of me because im sweating and hes sweating, and i didnt want to pass out from the heat.
i cuddle into his arms, licking the sweat from his neck and shoulders, and he plays with my hair, and he says something, and i ask, pardon?
i dont know what i want to say, dont ask me to make a coherent sentence right now.
okay.
he whispers to me, i wish we could take a nap.
l, in all the times we have been together, we never took a nap, never slept next to each other.
i know.
theres never time. we always rested then fucked.
i remember.
but ive got to get going. so do you.
we get dressed, and i excuse myself to clean up in the bathroom. i notice that there are two toothbrushes in the holder but only one of everything, and no other feminine products.
as im washing my hands, he walks into the bathroom as if we had always had that comfort to do so. i finish up in a hurry as he washes the evidence of me off of him, and i walk into the living room to sit down.
he doesnt sit next to me, choosing instead to sit on the arm rest. i trace his fingers with mine, and he holds my hand. i take the other hand, and i kiss it. he takes my hand and does the same.
im happy for you, you know. this is the best break up ive ever had.
he looks at me, a little sad, perhaps regretful, and he smiles a smile that doesnt seem happy.
i have to go, and you have to meet your friend, i announce.
yes, ill walk you out. lets take the side door.
why?
because my neighbors are a bit nosy.
i see.
and surely they know what weve done because of all the noise you made?
me? i wasnt making any noise.
god, you were loud.
no way, i was very aware that the windows are open. i dont want no one knowing my biness.
you were screaming my name.
only loud enough so you can hear it.
he opens the gate for me, and i walk off, but before i do, i whisper, good luck and congratulations.
in that order?
yes, in that order.
can it be congratulations and good luck?
nah. but we can dream, cant we?
it starts with me leaving this message on his voice mail: hey, l, its m. hope youre well. im on vacation now, and i was wondering if you had any free time to watch a movie or get coffee. in case my number doesnt show up, here it is. talk to you soon.
he calls me the next day, but i miss it prompting me to call him and say, why are you calling my phone and not leaving me a message?
why arent you answering my call?
i didnt know my phone was ringing. it was in the drawer.
we make the customary small talk, hello, how are you, its been so long, whats been going on with you, not much, me neither, i got a new job, ive got a new project, id like to see a screening of it, its in the top one hundred of finalists in a contest i submitted it to, awesome...blah blah blah.
hey, i say, the reason im calling you is i need your help. i got a new job, you know.
you did?
yes. guess what i do now.
does it have something to do with words?
words? why do you say that?
because you were a cunning linguist.
but you were always the master debater.
i tell him im curious about his background, how he got to be so incredibly intelligent without any formal schooling, and he gives me a glimpse of his youth.
the guy is amazing. he is funny, witty, and so fucking sweet. these are the three things that leave me breathless about him.
but there is a reserve about him today, and the reason why is simple: yeah, ive been seeing someone for awhile now.
you getting married any time soon?
yeah, almost.
wow! im so happy for you.
thank you, but im not there yet.
well, i know its what you want, and now you have it.
yeah, but im a bit hesitant because, you know, ive tried this before, i was married once...
i remember.
and when i fail at something, its kind of...
i dont see it as failure.
no, it wasnt a failure.
look, you were married, and it didnt work out. that doesnt mean you failed, it just means that it wasnt right.
we skirt around the subject of whether or not to get together, and i find myself in an uncomfortable, unfamiliar boredom. luro and i always had a banter between us, but today, i almost endthe call.
finally, he says, m, do you want to come over?
yes, l, i do.
come, itll be fun.
okay. im going to finish up here. can you give me directions?
it takes me an hour to get out of there because im stalling. my stalling leads to me being stuck in traffic, which leads me to call and say, l, take me to you via the 134.
ill take you, but first you have to come here.
i know, im stuck in traffic, and i want to go around it. can you text me the way?
you know how it is when youre in a rush. you get stuck behind the grandma who just finished shopping for her homemade bread, the dumbass bitch who is on the cell going 35 on the fast lane, the idiot who keeps signaling to get into your lane but doesnt really want to.
by the time, i get to his house, im frazzled, so i sit in my car and breathe.
i get confused as to which duplex is his until he opens the door, smiles, and says, youre okay.
i enter and find the house with a homier feel, good ole dexter and a little loud dog i couldve killed, and music.
every time i come here, you have the best music playing, i complement him.
thank you.
where is this coming from? its just fucking great. havent heard such an eclectic collection.
come here.
i go to him, and he kisses me. a sweet, natural kiss to greet me. dexter comes to me.
hello, dexter. i love dexter.
hes sniffing you because he likes you.
hey, baby, how have you been?
he remembers you and how you smell.
hes just absolutely beautiful.
can i get you something to drink? this is why i like visiting him. he is such a great host.
no, im fine.
he comes to me on the couch, and we look at each other, smile, and he says, lets go.
he leads me to his bedroom, and it takes my eyes a few seconds to adjust to how much stuff he has in there now. before, it was just his bed, an amp in the corner, a guitar next to the amp, and our clothes strewn all over the floor.
he kisses me, slowly, sweetly, deliciously, and he lays on the bed. i push his shirt up, and i lick around my favorite area on his body.
your tongue is so precise, he moans.
thank you. i try.
he pulls me up and kisses me, and i fall on my back.
he confesses, i love the way you kiss me.
i love the way you respond to my kiss.
so, you know, i have to be honest with you.
okay.
when i called you today, i called to tell you we couldnt do this anymore.
im sorry?
i wanted to tell you that i couldnt see you anymore, but i couldnt. i have to be honest.
youre breaking up with me? he touches my hair, takes strands of it, and rolls his fingers in them.
i guess i am.
listen, i totally respect your decision. im glad for you because this is what youve wanted. (i know this is what hes wanted, to be in a long term relationship, to not be lonely. i knew it the first time i met him, i knew it as i was leaving his bed the first time, i knew it when i went back to him. i knew that he wants to have children, to be married again, to be with one woman because he is a romantic. i believe that he is tired of being alone, though i think its his nature to be so. i also believe, and i hate to say this, that he may not be capable of monogamous. this is a perception, not necessarily a prediction. this is based on his past and on the present time, with me.)
thank you.
youre welcome, so listen, im going to go now.
really? maria...
l, come on, walk me out.
can i get you some coffee?
real coffee?
brewed. do you want cream and sugar? or do you just want cream?
cream. no sugar.
lots of cream?
i dont want it blond, but yes, cream.
the coffee is hot to my touch, and i prefer iced tea or something cooler, but instead, i call dines. luro confirms that we are breaking up.
we hang up with dines, and he asks me, are you really leaving?
its the best thing, yes?
if you want.
okay.
before you go, can i ask? do you want to have break up sex?
yes.
good. come on.
we walk down the hall again to the bedroom. i push him against the wall, and i take his cock while he leans his head back. he plays with my hair and pushes my head into his cock while he fucks my face. i stop and look at him. he is so gorgeous.
see, i fell for this before, i say.
fell for what?
you know, when we met i was celibate, and then i didnt see you for a few months and i was still celibate, and you convinced me that i wouldnt be breaking a vow of celibacy if i slept with you because you werent new sex.
ah, yes.
so, now this? break up sex?
he walks to the bed, sits down, and i sit down next to him.
youve never heard of break up sex?
no, ive heard of mercy sex and make up sex, but never never ever heard of break up sex.
well, break up sex is when you have sex because youre breaking up.
why would i want to have sex when im getting dumped?
he answers by kissing me hard, and i couldnt help but respond to him. he slips his hand inside my pants from the back, passing against my ass, finding my clit and hole.
he kisses me as hes doing this, and i tell him, i want to cum.
yes, baby, cum for me.
when i cum, i say his name, and he holds me as waves pass through me. he sucks his fingers and smells me, then he puts his fingers in my mouth. he looks at me intently, and i close my eyes to avoid his gaze.
i suck his cock, put his fingers in my mouth at the same time, and then he pulls me to his face. he kisses me as he unbuttons my pants and pulls them off of me. he moves down, and i pull him back up, and he looks at me in a way that made me know he wasnt going to take no again.
i move away from his mouth, and he says, it isnt fair, i want to taste you, m.
you already have, on your fingers, just now.
he finds my clit with his tongue, and the world stops. he is the best head ive ever had, something about him, not only his tongue, but him, his eagerness to please me, this is what completely excites me.
his fingers are in my hole and in my ass, and he fucks me with his tongue and fingers until i cum again and again. i lie there, unable to move, as he gets a condom.
he slips it on, and he enters me, lifting my legs to his chest, and he fucks me. he fucks me, and i cum. then he moves out of me, turns my leg to one side, licks his finger, and sticks it in my ass. then he slips his cock in my ass.
just.
like.
that.
without any warning, without any lube, and without permission.
he moves in and out of me, thrusting into me hard, angry almost, and he brings his face next to mine, and he lowers his lips and his tongue and he kisses me while he fucks me.
he fucks me so hard that my eyes water, and he kisses me so hard that my lips are sore, and when he moves his head to my hair, i feel him cum.
he cums, and his body is shaking, and i push him off of me because im sweating and hes sweating, and i didnt want to pass out from the heat.
i cuddle into his arms, licking the sweat from his neck and shoulders, and he plays with my hair, and he says something, and i ask, pardon?
i dont know what i want to say, dont ask me to make a coherent sentence right now.
okay.
he whispers to me, i wish we could take a nap.
l, in all the times we have been together, we never took a nap, never slept next to each other.
i know.
theres never time. we always rested then fucked.
i remember.
but ive got to get going. so do you.
we get dressed, and i excuse myself to clean up in the bathroom. i notice that there are two toothbrushes in the holder but only one of everything, and no other feminine products.
as im washing my hands, he walks into the bathroom as if we had always had that comfort to do so. i finish up in a hurry as he washes the evidence of me off of him, and i walk into the living room to sit down.
he doesnt sit next to me, choosing instead to sit on the arm rest. i trace his fingers with mine, and he holds my hand. i take the other hand, and i kiss it. he takes my hand and does the same.
im happy for you, you know. this is the best break up ive ever had.
he looks at me, a little sad, perhaps regretful, and he smiles a smile that doesnt seem happy.
i have to go, and you have to meet your friend, i announce.
yes, ill walk you out. lets take the side door.
why?
because my neighbors are a bit nosy.
i see.
and surely they know what weve done because of all the noise you made?
me? i wasnt making any noise.
god, you were loud.
no way, i was very aware that the windows are open. i dont want no one knowing my biness.
you were screaming my name.
only loud enough so you can hear it.
he opens the gate for me, and i walk off, but before i do, i whisper, good luck and congratulations.
in that order?
yes, in that order.
can it be congratulations and good luck?
nah. but we can dream, cant we?
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