sixteen hours
today was a long day, dense with many happy and creative moments, and of course, the obligatory curve ball.
i dont want to go into details because im so fucking tired and in need of breathing, but i will say this. i love jkir who spoke to me about the outcast loser because she told on me (fucking coward). we ended up laughing about it.
and i was a bit catty, but i had to stop myself. really. because i dont want to play her game. but i will have my peace with her on monday so i wont stew about it.
i love that i had gone through this shit before with past students and coworkers, so i know how to conduct myself. im resigned to the fact that this will happen no matter where i go, and i have the ammunition and the shield to protect myself.
anyway, ive overbooked myself again. the past month, i had not had one bit of rest during the weekend where i did nothing. yes, i did stay in bed until 7 pm two weeks ago, and i wouldnt have gotten out of bed if i werent meeting igra.
the next two weekends are packed, too, and i cant believe how im not cognizant of how i fill in my time.
igra and i just discussed this, how so selfish i am with my time and who i spend it with...yet, i just feel like im squandering minutes away.
im going to plan for a restful weekend where i will not get out of bed from friday night to sunday afternoon, unless i have a photo shoot.
tonite in class was amazing. we had homework that i completed two minutes before class, and when i developed my film, everyone was impressed. including me.
but heres my problem. i want to be an intentional photographer. i want to set up shots, play with my f-stop and shutter speed, and be more daring.
yes, my shots were good, but they were so...safe. it was a hard assignment, and because i didnt have time to do it until today, i felt so uninspired, and i allowed my camera to lead me instead of controlling it.
its pretty sad.
but when i showed my instructor, she said that the exposure and the color were perfect. i, however, felt mediocre.
i met a darkroom nerd tonite in the form of a cool ass, tatted up kid named j. hes a young one, and he was wowed by me owning a holga, and he asked how i came about it.
i told him how i was reading an article at the loft, and how at the same time, my exfriend read the same article, and he suggested we order holgas to have a photo shoot.
the guy was full of big dreams and schemes, but really, no follow through.
so, j is going to show me how to use mine next week, and hes going to help me develop the film. the holga uses a 120 speed film, and the pictures come out so cool.
god, cool? ugh. im tired.
man.
megbro said that i cheered her up today when i said out of the blue, i love my life.
because i do. its so awesome right now to be doing what i love: counseling and photography.
in the summer, im going to take digital photography.
you dont even know how this fills me.
im going to crawl into bed now.
i need to read my photo books soon.
maybe tomorrow, after we get back from meeting with distev.
and sunday? well, i have a massage and a photo shoot with g.lo and family.
next saturday? lunch and lacma with my dear old pal dapel.
and sunday? simple sunday with brenfi.
yup.
sick busy.
there are so many good, positive people in my life right now.
and im babbling.
wheres my babel dvd?
i loved that movie. i wanted to watch it at the loft.
Friday, February 29, 2008
Thursday, February 28, 2008
inner peace
i suppose i can allow all the negative energy infest the light in me, but i refuse.
you see, despite the fact that im single and celibate (but now, im really tiring of it), that i have hatahs on my ass, that i am broke and overdrawn (i cant believe my budget of $3000 a month isnt enough, and that worries me)...despite all that shit, im giddy happy.
i love my job, my kids, my life. i told my kids just how amazing the time we have together really is, and they validate me so.
i mean, shit. you should see their smiles. you should hear how they come in to say hi, and when they leave, they say, i love you, ms. p. you should feel how happy they are when they pass a class or do something that makes them proud.
dear God, thank You for the wonderful opportunity to serve these kids and guide them.
they want to keep in touch with me, but i know they wont. they cant. they will find their way in the world, and they will remember me, but keep in touch? hhhmmm...time will tell.
i go to bed happy. and not just because the yeti hasnt been in for the last three weeks. i am so satisfied right now, even if every once awhile, im given the chance to go back to my wily ways.
i have good people in my life, even if momentary, i have friends and family.
megbro asked me the other day if i wanted to get married. i told her yes.
yes, i want to meet someone and walk with them.
i want to love again, to hold hands again, to even cuddle again.
its been so long, and my broken heart has healed a bit, though still fractured in many ways.
theres such inner peace inside of me right now, and for that, i am so grateful.
now, where is igra?
i suppose i can allow all the negative energy infest the light in me, but i refuse.
you see, despite the fact that im single and celibate (but now, im really tiring of it), that i have hatahs on my ass, that i am broke and overdrawn (i cant believe my budget of $3000 a month isnt enough, and that worries me)...despite all that shit, im giddy happy.
i love my job, my kids, my life. i told my kids just how amazing the time we have together really is, and they validate me so.
i mean, shit. you should see their smiles. you should hear how they come in to say hi, and when they leave, they say, i love you, ms. p. you should feel how happy they are when they pass a class or do something that makes them proud.
dear God, thank You for the wonderful opportunity to serve these kids and guide them.
they want to keep in touch with me, but i know they wont. they cant. they will find their way in the world, and they will remember me, but keep in touch? hhhmmm...time will tell.
i go to bed happy. and not just because the yeti hasnt been in for the last three weeks. i am so satisfied right now, even if every once awhile, im given the chance to go back to my wily ways.
i have good people in my life, even if momentary, i have friends and family.
megbro asked me the other day if i wanted to get married. i told her yes.
yes, i want to meet someone and walk with them.
i want to love again, to hold hands again, to even cuddle again.
its been so long, and my broken heart has healed a bit, though still fractured in many ways.
theres such inner peace inside of me right now, and for that, i am so grateful.
now, where is igra?
another jealous dumbass
its happening again. this completely inane little shit julgra is starting problems.
but ive been there, done that.
march 5th is my wonderful year anniversary. this is going to be a brand new year.
but im not going to let anyone determine how i act. i love my kids, and im good at what i do.
if the worse they can say is my kids are too loud, then guess what?
julgra can go fuck herself.
poor little lonely outcast loser.
its happening again. this completely inane little shit julgra is starting problems.
but ive been there, done that.
march 5th is my wonderful year anniversary. this is going to be a brand new year.
but im not going to let anyone determine how i act. i love my kids, and im good at what i do.
if the worse they can say is my kids are too loud, then guess what?
julgra can go fuck herself.
poor little lonely outcast loser.
Monday, February 25, 2008
temper
when i was younger, i overheard a story about my fathers side of the family. its really questionable, you know, about street gangs and all that other shit.
i guess you could say that although he was smart, my father ran around with the kind from the wrong side of the track, thereby picking up some wily ways.
he fathered a daughter who has a temper, one that im afraid of because i dont know how to control it.
its wild, and its fierce. like the fires that ravage southern cal in the summertime.
i have an affinity for fires, yet i fear them. its analogous to the own flames that burn within me.
sometimes, i can look away from a situation, walk away without incurring damage.
and other times...well. i couldnt.
past tense because if ive learned anything at all, anything that would give credence to karma and all that good stuff is this: let go and let God.
im burning up so much right now because i have just been threatened, and i had no one else to turn to except for ansa.
he called me and offered some advice, and to be honest, talking to him kept me from getting my own ass into trouble. trouble that would have made no sense whatsoever because im better than that.
i am. i know.
im not that person anymore, the one that existed so long ago that was defiant and angry and vengeful.
but sometimes, i miss her, and when things like this happen tonite, i need to restrain her to keep from burning up my life and all that ive worked for.
im different now. i have different friends. i live a different lifestyle. i have too much at stake.
but the taste of revenge is in my mouth, and i crave it. i want so much to fucking destroy this one motherfucker who threatened not only me, but my son and the peace that ive created.
but im stronger than that, right? if i did anything, if i acted in any way other than to let the embers simmer, i would be so ashamed.
i would question myself as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a cousin, as a counselor, as a friend...and soon, i hope, as a lover.
everything ive worked to recreate would go up in flames, and what would i have left?
the vindictive animal that i once housed wants to come out. right at this moment, i can feel her rise up within me, and my stomach is in pain.
i have a temper, man, and i only see black right now, but as long as i type, as long as i articulate, i know my temper will be calmed.
and ansa. man, if it werent for him, i swear, i would be in jail right now.
because im fucking uncontrollable when im in that zone.
i have to bring back good memories, like the beautiful day i had today.
i dont want to disappoint my son, my students, my coworkers...but more importantly, i dont want to disappoint myself.
i guess people are mirrors, and they reflect what i want to see.
igra told me that once when i wrote to him how i loved his spirit.
m, you see all that in me because i reflect it from you.
i do not know what will become of our friendship, what will become of us when we are finally on the same page.
i do not know if we will become lovers or if we will just love each other.
right now, though, is not the time.
its delicate, and his being busy is boring me to the point of not wanting to hear it anymore.
see, i was trying to figure out earlier who started this whole busy thing.
i told him when the exbf left, i drowned myself in work, in school, in friends, in anything so that i wouldnt have to think or feel.
and hes doing that now.
breathe. i have to breathe. i need to channel good energy.
i think im going to hang out with ansa next weekend. to you know...talk.
yeah, right.
im tired of being celibate.
oh, and yesterday, i spent over $500 on two bikes for me and the boy.
sometimes, i just need to go on it and pedal away. im so glad spring is coming up. tomorrow, jemur and hanga want to walk the rose bowl.
we are so going to do it. but first, im going to ride around it.
this is so needed.
i pray i dont see that mother fucker again, not anytime soon because i dont think ive simmered down yet.
its all good.
its the season of lent, where i have to learn patience and suffering and all that good stuff.
okay, im going to read some good magazines now because i need to concentrate on something other than visualizing bad shit to that piece of shit loser.
have a good night, y'all.
when i was younger, i overheard a story about my fathers side of the family. its really questionable, you know, about street gangs and all that other shit.
i guess you could say that although he was smart, my father ran around with the kind from the wrong side of the track, thereby picking up some wily ways.
he fathered a daughter who has a temper, one that im afraid of because i dont know how to control it.
its wild, and its fierce. like the fires that ravage southern cal in the summertime.
i have an affinity for fires, yet i fear them. its analogous to the own flames that burn within me.
sometimes, i can look away from a situation, walk away without incurring damage.
and other times...well. i couldnt.
past tense because if ive learned anything at all, anything that would give credence to karma and all that good stuff is this: let go and let God.
im burning up so much right now because i have just been threatened, and i had no one else to turn to except for ansa.
he called me and offered some advice, and to be honest, talking to him kept me from getting my own ass into trouble. trouble that would have made no sense whatsoever because im better than that.
i am. i know.
im not that person anymore, the one that existed so long ago that was defiant and angry and vengeful.
but sometimes, i miss her, and when things like this happen tonite, i need to restrain her to keep from burning up my life and all that ive worked for.
im different now. i have different friends. i live a different lifestyle. i have too much at stake.
but the taste of revenge is in my mouth, and i crave it. i want so much to fucking destroy this one motherfucker who threatened not only me, but my son and the peace that ive created.
but im stronger than that, right? if i did anything, if i acted in any way other than to let the embers simmer, i would be so ashamed.
i would question myself as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a cousin, as a counselor, as a friend...and soon, i hope, as a lover.
everything ive worked to recreate would go up in flames, and what would i have left?
the vindictive animal that i once housed wants to come out. right at this moment, i can feel her rise up within me, and my stomach is in pain.
i have a temper, man, and i only see black right now, but as long as i type, as long as i articulate, i know my temper will be calmed.
and ansa. man, if it werent for him, i swear, i would be in jail right now.
because im fucking uncontrollable when im in that zone.
i have to bring back good memories, like the beautiful day i had today.
i dont want to disappoint my son, my students, my coworkers...but more importantly, i dont want to disappoint myself.
i guess people are mirrors, and they reflect what i want to see.
igra told me that once when i wrote to him how i loved his spirit.
m, you see all that in me because i reflect it from you.
i do not know what will become of our friendship, what will become of us when we are finally on the same page.
i do not know if we will become lovers or if we will just love each other.
right now, though, is not the time.
its delicate, and his being busy is boring me to the point of not wanting to hear it anymore.
see, i was trying to figure out earlier who started this whole busy thing.
i told him when the exbf left, i drowned myself in work, in school, in friends, in anything so that i wouldnt have to think or feel.
and hes doing that now.
breathe. i have to breathe. i need to channel good energy.
i think im going to hang out with ansa next weekend. to you know...talk.
yeah, right.
im tired of being celibate.
oh, and yesterday, i spent over $500 on two bikes for me and the boy.
sometimes, i just need to go on it and pedal away. im so glad spring is coming up. tomorrow, jemur and hanga want to walk the rose bowl.
we are so going to do it. but first, im going to ride around it.
this is so needed.
i pray i dont see that mother fucker again, not anytime soon because i dont think ive simmered down yet.
its all good.
its the season of lent, where i have to learn patience and suffering and all that good stuff.
okay, im going to read some good magazines now because i need to concentrate on something other than visualizing bad shit to that piece of shit loser.
have a good night, y'all.
Sunday, February 24, 2008
stillness
ever since the sermon last week about communing with silence, ive been trying to cut out as much noise pollution as possible.
ive also given up red meat, and im probably going to just go for fish or veggies by the end of this journey.
what i have to do is quiet my thoughts, sit with them, allow them to live, then put them on paper or computer screen.
there is so much i want to do, to accomplish, to go to, to welcome, to expel.
i love my photography class, even though this first assignment is anxiety building.
its simple, really, but what makes it hard is that my mind just isnt processing some of the technical stuff. i want to, but you know what? its just really difficult. so, i have to study and figure out a way to make it stick.
the photo shoot with the g.lo family is postponed until next week when hopefully, we will have sun.
i know what it is that is bothering me.
ive learned that a not-too-distant exlover is seeing someone. am i hurt? ummm, a little.
but no. not really. its been awhile already, so how can i really ache for something that once was?
and of course hes going to meet someone. hes a great man.
he just wasnt right for me...and i for him.
still, i wonder if had we had met at a later time or had we not been so jaded if we would have worked.
not like marriage or something. but maybe something sweeter, where we could have explored each others psyche and lives.
i dont know.
intellectually, im painfully aware that it wouldnt have worked out. i called it immediately.
emotionally, i still love him and want the best for him.
so, im going to bed now.
sweet dreams.
ever since the sermon last week about communing with silence, ive been trying to cut out as much noise pollution as possible.
ive also given up red meat, and im probably going to just go for fish or veggies by the end of this journey.
what i have to do is quiet my thoughts, sit with them, allow them to live, then put them on paper or computer screen.
there is so much i want to do, to accomplish, to go to, to welcome, to expel.
i love my photography class, even though this first assignment is anxiety building.
its simple, really, but what makes it hard is that my mind just isnt processing some of the technical stuff. i want to, but you know what? its just really difficult. so, i have to study and figure out a way to make it stick.
the photo shoot with the g.lo family is postponed until next week when hopefully, we will have sun.
i know what it is that is bothering me.
ive learned that a not-too-distant exlover is seeing someone. am i hurt? ummm, a little.
but no. not really. its been awhile already, so how can i really ache for something that once was?
and of course hes going to meet someone. hes a great man.
he just wasnt right for me...and i for him.
still, i wonder if had we had met at a later time or had we not been so jaded if we would have worked.
not like marriage or something. but maybe something sweeter, where we could have explored each others psyche and lives.
i dont know.
intellectually, im painfully aware that it wouldnt have worked out. i called it immediately.
emotionally, i still love him and want the best for him.
so, im going to bed now.
sweet dreams.
processing
yesterday was fun, but it was long, and i got to know igra a little more.
i so enjoy him, and the same goes for him. hes told me.
but.
theres something nagging at me, and i cant quite put my finger on it. it isnt him, its me, always me.
i just want to get into bed, read some stuff, and then drift off to sleep.
nothing happened between us, but i cant say that nothing ever will.
this is what is crazy.
do i want more than friendship?
if we do venture into that unknown territory, i dont think we will be friends again.
if we dont, there will always be this tension between us.
a funny sort of tension...you know the one. we flinch whenever one of us gets close to the other.
i gave him a letter yesterday.
ending the day, he was acting funny. telling me he may see a friend...a guy friend, he clarified...or he may not.
i didnt tell him of my grand plans of going home, taking a nap before picking up the boy from a friends house, then going to dinner.
its weird.
or...its normal.
lets see whats up.
theres another event next week, but im not going to go with him if he invites me. i have some stuff to take care of during the day with the lovely distev and her dissertation.
but at night, i think im free. and if he wants, he can cook me dinner.
roca got a prescription from herbal meds. im going to stop by at the clinic next week for one, too.
catch you on the flip side.
yesterday was fun, but it was long, and i got to know igra a little more.
i so enjoy him, and the same goes for him. hes told me.
but.
theres something nagging at me, and i cant quite put my finger on it. it isnt him, its me, always me.
i just want to get into bed, read some stuff, and then drift off to sleep.
nothing happened between us, but i cant say that nothing ever will.
this is what is crazy.
do i want more than friendship?
if we do venture into that unknown territory, i dont think we will be friends again.
if we dont, there will always be this tension between us.
a funny sort of tension...you know the one. we flinch whenever one of us gets close to the other.
i gave him a letter yesterday.
ending the day, he was acting funny. telling me he may see a friend...a guy friend, he clarified...or he may not.
i didnt tell him of my grand plans of going home, taking a nap before picking up the boy from a friends house, then going to dinner.
its weird.
or...its normal.
lets see whats up.
theres another event next week, but im not going to go with him if he invites me. i have some stuff to take care of during the day with the lovely distev and her dissertation.
but at night, i think im free. and if he wants, he can cook me dinner.
roca got a prescription from herbal meds. im going to stop by at the clinic next week for one, too.
catch you on the flip side.
Friday, February 22, 2008
chapters
im entering a new phase of my life, one where there is such creative and healthy choices and goodness and happiness that i am excited everyday to live.
to be alive.
im so freaking exhausted right now from my photo class, but i made the best damned photogram tonite, and frankly, im so absolutely proud of this.
and im making new friends in the class. one is a cool ass guy who reminds me of carfi and whose name incidentally resembles the first name of his lookalike.
i was thinking on the drive home that my life has evolved so much in such a short, painful time. there were moments in the past year or so where i had to endure some agony, if only to be the person i am now.
it was difficult to let go of people, friends and lovers and ways of living. i miss them sometimes, miss the me i was when i was with them or in those situations, but i know i wont recognize me if i were to somehow revert back to that chapter in my life.
letting go is excruciating for me. heres my process: first, i analyze it over and over and live with the decision way before i take any action. next, i begin my separation by being absent, by being aloof, by being distant. finally, when im so sick of thinking and behaving in this manner, i make my exit.
but it doesnt end there. i am miserable once ive broken contact. its as if im an addict suffering through withdrawals. really.
and yes, ive gone back. alot. ive allowed myself to revisit, and let me say, it was a rotten aftertaste.
i always ask myself, if i can, would i?
and my answer is a resounding no. no! NO!
because its so unhealthy really for my heart and for the inner peace i want to achieve. and we wont talk about what the disruption to my life.
so, things are awesome now. work has been fantastic because the yeti has been gone, but she returns on monday.
barney is her poor self, and i cant do anything about it at all.
ive decided that starting march 5th, which is my year anniversary there at poly, i will no longer be taking shit from anyone. that means...im going to be speak up and speak out when appropriate.
can i tell you my wet dream?
i want to work for the visual performing arts high school in downtown, across from the cathedral of our lady of angels and down the street from the disney concert hall.
this would be so perfect, especially if i buy a loft in the area. i mean, damn. my heart is pounding at the thought.
heres the thing: the high school isnt expected to open until september 2009 (this fucking district really). so that leaves me pondering two things...should i stay at poly for ten more months of work (because i get four months off in between), or should i jump to glendale?
because there are no guarantees that i would be working at the high school.
i have other options, though. i can go to another school in the district and transfer from there. i can stay where i am, and just hope for the best.
or leave the district altogether.
what im seduced by is the proximity of this school to the urban jungle. and oh, yeah, i just thought of this: igra is down the street from me. he works at the california water court plaza next to the moca.
wow. that would be so cool to just have lunch with him after work or something.
okay, just to be clear, there is nothing going on with igra.
nothing.
hes not at that point, yet, and i dont want him broken. hes got to recover from his past relationship, and i will not go through that again with any man. ever.
we had a great time last saturday night.
and now, i have to go to bed because tomorrow at a really perverse time in the morning, we are going to judge some contest.
im excited.
im going to snap away, too, just because megbro wants to have a visual of him, and besides, i need to practice.
sleep is beckoning me.
and im so addicted to this hilarious show on vh1 called free radio.
watch it.
now.
im entering a new phase of my life, one where there is such creative and healthy choices and goodness and happiness that i am excited everyday to live.
to be alive.
im so freaking exhausted right now from my photo class, but i made the best damned photogram tonite, and frankly, im so absolutely proud of this.
and im making new friends in the class. one is a cool ass guy who reminds me of carfi and whose name incidentally resembles the first name of his lookalike.
i was thinking on the drive home that my life has evolved so much in such a short, painful time. there were moments in the past year or so where i had to endure some agony, if only to be the person i am now.
it was difficult to let go of people, friends and lovers and ways of living. i miss them sometimes, miss the me i was when i was with them or in those situations, but i know i wont recognize me if i were to somehow revert back to that chapter in my life.
letting go is excruciating for me. heres my process: first, i analyze it over and over and live with the decision way before i take any action. next, i begin my separation by being absent, by being aloof, by being distant. finally, when im so sick of thinking and behaving in this manner, i make my exit.
but it doesnt end there. i am miserable once ive broken contact. its as if im an addict suffering through withdrawals. really.
and yes, ive gone back. alot. ive allowed myself to revisit, and let me say, it was a rotten aftertaste.
i always ask myself, if i can, would i?
and my answer is a resounding no. no! NO!
because its so unhealthy really for my heart and for the inner peace i want to achieve. and we wont talk about what the disruption to my life.
so, things are awesome now. work has been fantastic because the yeti has been gone, but she returns on monday.
barney is her poor self, and i cant do anything about it at all.
ive decided that starting march 5th, which is my year anniversary there at poly, i will no longer be taking shit from anyone. that means...im going to be speak up and speak out when appropriate.
can i tell you my wet dream?
i want to work for the visual performing arts high school in downtown, across from the cathedral of our lady of angels and down the street from the disney concert hall.
this would be so perfect, especially if i buy a loft in the area. i mean, damn. my heart is pounding at the thought.
heres the thing: the high school isnt expected to open until september 2009 (this fucking district really). so that leaves me pondering two things...should i stay at poly for ten more months of work (because i get four months off in between), or should i jump to glendale?
because there are no guarantees that i would be working at the high school.
i have other options, though. i can go to another school in the district and transfer from there. i can stay where i am, and just hope for the best.
or leave the district altogether.
what im seduced by is the proximity of this school to the urban jungle. and oh, yeah, i just thought of this: igra is down the street from me. he works at the california water court plaza next to the moca.
wow. that would be so cool to just have lunch with him after work or something.
okay, just to be clear, there is nothing going on with igra.
nothing.
hes not at that point, yet, and i dont want him broken. hes got to recover from his past relationship, and i will not go through that again with any man. ever.
we had a great time last saturday night.
and now, i have to go to bed because tomorrow at a really perverse time in the morning, we are going to judge some contest.
im excited.
im going to snap away, too, just because megbro wants to have a visual of him, and besides, i need to practice.
sleep is beckoning me.
and im so addicted to this hilarious show on vh1 called free radio.
watch it.
now.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
liberated
talked to mariav, and she told me some stuff i had somewhat suspected, and because of it, ive let go. fo sho.
she said she liked igra, and that hes a great guy.
she endorsed him heavily, and i was once again awed by her powers.
shes my ambassador of quan, man.
there are so many happy changes, and i am embracing them and making them part of my skin.
love is in the air, i feel, but not so fast...and not so soon.
sleep.
i need sleep.
talked to mariav, and she told me some stuff i had somewhat suspected, and because of it, ive let go. fo sho.
she said she liked igra, and that hes a great guy.
she endorsed him heavily, and i was once again awed by her powers.
shes my ambassador of quan, man.
there are so many happy changes, and i am embracing them and making them part of my skin.
love is in the air, i feel, but not so fast...and not so soon.
sleep.
i need sleep.
earlier
hello?
hey, ms p.
hey, mr. g.l0. how are you?
im fine. am i bothering you?
nope. just got done with a photo shoot. whats going on?
you did? thats exactly what i was calling you about.
oh?
yeah. im going to go to san diego for a couple of days. how come you didnt sign up to go with us?
i have my seniors, but more importantly, i have my son. cant leave him alone.
oh, yeah, thats right. so, im calling to set up a photo shoot with my pregnant wife and my daughter.
and you, yeah?
maybe. we will see. whens a good time for you?
im free this weekend.
how about sunday?
perfect. im free until 4.
then early afternoon?
yes.
ill call you on saturday to confirm.
im glad its on sunday because on saturday, im hanging with igra.
yeah!
hello?
hey, ms p.
hey, mr. g.l0. how are you?
im fine. am i bothering you?
nope. just got done with a photo shoot. whats going on?
you did? thats exactly what i was calling you about.
oh?
yeah. im going to go to san diego for a couple of days. how come you didnt sign up to go with us?
i have my seniors, but more importantly, i have my son. cant leave him alone.
oh, yeah, thats right. so, im calling to set up a photo shoot with my pregnant wife and my daughter.
and you, yeah?
maybe. we will see. whens a good time for you?
im free this weekend.
how about sunday?
perfect. im free until 4.
then early afternoon?
yes.
ill call you on saturday to confirm.
im glad its on sunday because on saturday, im hanging with igra.
yeah!
a taste
just got back from a paid photo shoot. i must admit, i was very seduced by the money. i mean, i would have loved to have a freelance gig there, but you know what?
the smell of ben gay and old money dont mix well with my perfume.
if i were called again, i may decline, but again, if i worked even just ten hours a month, it would be almost enough to pay for the rent on my loft. almost.
it was an easy time, but crackety folks scare me.
tonite reminded me of the time when i worked odd jobs during college. one of the positions i accepted was to be a hostess for these rich ass folks in la jolla. walking into their house, you can just smell the dead benjamins.
anyway, i was hit on, dismissed, and basically treated like the help i was. and i was disgusted by the whole thing for the next six hours. the money was good, though, so i accepted when i was needed again.
but now. well, earlier, g.lo called me to set up a time for a photo shoot on sunday with his pregnant wife, his daughter, and him. they live in the hills of burbank, in a large house with a beautiful courtyard. and a view.
so, im going to do that, and hopefully, they will refer me to their friends. this is what i long for.
im going to bed now, early, because last night was a hell of a time getting to sleep. theres a leak in one of the upstairs bathroom thats coming down on my dining room ceiling. drip. drip. drip.
i took off 2 hours early today, and i bought my photo stuff from samys camera. i spent so much dough. this little joy of mine is an expensive habit...but oh, so worth it.
i need to still tell y'all about my saturday night with igra. i want this to go real slow. just like this. hes doing his own stuff, and i mine, and when the timing is right, this might be it.
he invited me to judge a contest at cal state la on saturday morning. at first, i panicked because it reminded me of the buddhist, but with igra, i know im safe.
he is so...fucking...cool.
loft hunting. snowboarding. good times, good times.
oh, he was so funny about me paying for dinner. usually, id get a little bothered by the machismo, but with him, its so cute. we just laughed it off. he always pays.
he is a man. i mean, really, a man. no one compares to his level.
just got back from a paid photo shoot. i must admit, i was very seduced by the money. i mean, i would have loved to have a freelance gig there, but you know what?
the smell of ben gay and old money dont mix well with my perfume.
if i were called again, i may decline, but again, if i worked even just ten hours a month, it would be almost enough to pay for the rent on my loft. almost.
it was an easy time, but crackety folks scare me.
tonite reminded me of the time when i worked odd jobs during college. one of the positions i accepted was to be a hostess for these rich ass folks in la jolla. walking into their house, you can just smell the dead benjamins.
anyway, i was hit on, dismissed, and basically treated like the help i was. and i was disgusted by the whole thing for the next six hours. the money was good, though, so i accepted when i was needed again.
but now. well, earlier, g.lo called me to set up a time for a photo shoot on sunday with his pregnant wife, his daughter, and him. they live in the hills of burbank, in a large house with a beautiful courtyard. and a view.
so, im going to do that, and hopefully, they will refer me to their friends. this is what i long for.
im going to bed now, early, because last night was a hell of a time getting to sleep. theres a leak in one of the upstairs bathroom thats coming down on my dining room ceiling. drip. drip. drip.
i took off 2 hours early today, and i bought my photo stuff from samys camera. i spent so much dough. this little joy of mine is an expensive habit...but oh, so worth it.
i need to still tell y'all about my saturday night with igra. i want this to go real slow. just like this. hes doing his own stuff, and i mine, and when the timing is right, this might be it.
he invited me to judge a contest at cal state la on saturday morning. at first, i panicked because it reminded me of the buddhist, but with igra, i know im safe.
he is so...fucking...cool.
loft hunting. snowboarding. good times, good times.
oh, he was so funny about me paying for dinner. usually, id get a little bothered by the machismo, but with him, its so cute. we just laughed it off. he always pays.
he is a man. i mean, really, a man. no one compares to his level.
Monday, February 18, 2008
wtf
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
sorry, mr. jones. we tried, but its just not a good time.
good luck, though, and i hope you get to stay in that fantastic house of yours.
you rock!
and. and. and.
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
i have to take more photos...and i have to stop hanging out with odd people.
sorry, mr. jones. we tried, but its just not a good time.
good luck, though, and i hope you get to stay in that fantastic house of yours.
you rock!
and. and. and.
on a friday night
i didnt have my photo class on friday, so megbro and i braved the chill and walked the rose bowl. she needed to vent something bad, and i let her.
after, we went to avanti cafe. its a bit loud, but somehow, the intimacy is retained.
she asked, so, have you talked to your friend lately?
my friend? which?
the guy who went to your birthday party. the friend.
oh, igra. yeah. no, we havent. he said he wanted to go away this weekend, but hes not going to follow through with it. hes just so busy. im used to it.
oh, sorry.
no, its good. when we get together, its always as if no time has passed between us.
we ordered our food, and i told her about how one night, we made out, but it wasnt at all...good.
why not? she asked.
we were both a bit inebriated, and i think we both had...you know what? it was the timing. its always the timing. its funny because you would think we would be together seeing as hes single, and im single, but its my damned timing.
yeah, im sure.
a few moments later, our food came, and my phone rang with a number i didnt recognize, so i answered it.
hello, maria?
yes.
its igra.
oh, wow. hi.
how are you?
im well, and you?
good. im sorry i havent called, but im so busy. last week, i had a volleyball tournament, and i have just been working.
hey, we were supposed to go away for the weekend. remember? god, you dont spend any time with me. happy valentines day, by the way.
oh, thank you. did you do anything?
well, yes, of course. i had great plans.
oh?
yes. first, i went to work, got serenaded twice and got lots of candy and roses. did i tell you i was allergic to roses?
you are?
yup. but i got like three of them. then, after, i went to starbucks, and i wrote. for like an hour. then i went to yoga. and then, i came home. took a shower, slipped into something comfortable, and got into bed and watched tv.
big plans.
i thought so. its funny how people i think i go out all the time.
dont you?
nope. im usually at home. slipped into something comfortable.
mmm...well, i dont know what youre doing tomorrow night.
no plans.
i have to go into work, but i have so much to do. my tags expired, and i screwed up.
you shouldnt screw up. you should just screw.
yeah, that, too. its been awhile.
im on my seventh month of fasting.
you should take care of that.
uh, yeah, someday. so, tomorrow?
yeah, lunch?
no, not lunch. dinner. lets go out. i want to hang out with an adult on saturday night.
okay, better. around 7?
how about 7:30?
yeah, thats good. do you want to hang out downtown?
id love it.
okay, want me to take you to my favorite place?
of course.
okay, then ill call you tomorrow.
that would be perfect.
oh, i was wondering. you know how you mentioned you had friends who liked to smoke?
yeah?
i was wondering if you could get some? ill tell you why later.
i have some left. my pharmacist is in jail right now, so it kind of sucks, but my friend knows someone, i think. ill bring some tomorrow. want to meet my friend bud?
yeah.
okay, then tomorrow. have a good night.
have fun watching tv.
that last comment was because he heard a lot of background noise, and i know he wanted to know where i was. but i didnt tell him. i just didnt think it was important.
so, that was how it happened that on saturday night, 24 hours later, we were in this hip restaurant.
i have a crush on my friend, and i dont know how it is or why it is.
but the crush is not one of eros, but one of filos.
i just cant imagine kissing him. or anything else.
dammit.
i didnt have my photo class on friday, so megbro and i braved the chill and walked the rose bowl. she needed to vent something bad, and i let her.
after, we went to avanti cafe. its a bit loud, but somehow, the intimacy is retained.
she asked, so, have you talked to your friend lately?
my friend? which?
the guy who went to your birthday party. the friend.
oh, igra. yeah. no, we havent. he said he wanted to go away this weekend, but hes not going to follow through with it. hes just so busy. im used to it.
oh, sorry.
no, its good. when we get together, its always as if no time has passed between us.
we ordered our food, and i told her about how one night, we made out, but it wasnt at all...good.
why not? she asked.
we were both a bit inebriated, and i think we both had...you know what? it was the timing. its always the timing. its funny because you would think we would be together seeing as hes single, and im single, but its my damned timing.
yeah, im sure.
a few moments later, our food came, and my phone rang with a number i didnt recognize, so i answered it.
hello, maria?
yes.
its igra.
oh, wow. hi.
how are you?
im well, and you?
good. im sorry i havent called, but im so busy. last week, i had a volleyball tournament, and i have just been working.
hey, we were supposed to go away for the weekend. remember? god, you dont spend any time with me. happy valentines day, by the way.
oh, thank you. did you do anything?
well, yes, of course. i had great plans.
oh?
yes. first, i went to work, got serenaded twice and got lots of candy and roses. did i tell you i was allergic to roses?
you are?
yup. but i got like three of them. then, after, i went to starbucks, and i wrote. for like an hour. then i went to yoga. and then, i came home. took a shower, slipped into something comfortable, and got into bed and watched tv.
big plans.
i thought so. its funny how people i think i go out all the time.
dont you?
nope. im usually at home. slipped into something comfortable.
mmm...well, i dont know what youre doing tomorrow night.
no plans.
i have to go into work, but i have so much to do. my tags expired, and i screwed up.
you shouldnt screw up. you should just screw.
yeah, that, too. its been awhile.
im on my seventh month of fasting.
you should take care of that.
uh, yeah, someday. so, tomorrow?
yeah, lunch?
no, not lunch. dinner. lets go out. i want to hang out with an adult on saturday night.
okay, better. around 7?
how about 7:30?
yeah, thats good. do you want to hang out downtown?
id love it.
okay, want me to take you to my favorite place?
of course.
okay, then ill call you tomorrow.
that would be perfect.
oh, i was wondering. you know how you mentioned you had friends who liked to smoke?
yeah?
i was wondering if you could get some? ill tell you why later.
i have some left. my pharmacist is in jail right now, so it kind of sucks, but my friend knows someone, i think. ill bring some tomorrow. want to meet my friend bud?
yeah.
okay, then tomorrow. have a good night.
have fun watching tv.
that last comment was because he heard a lot of background noise, and i know he wanted to know where i was. but i didnt tell him. i just didnt think it was important.
so, that was how it happened that on saturday night, 24 hours later, we were in this hip restaurant.
i have a crush on my friend, and i dont know how it is or why it is.
but the crush is not one of eros, but one of filos.
i just cant imagine kissing him. or anything else.
dammit.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
two and a half more weeks
if it seems im consumed by the mark of time, its because i truly am.
and i am disgusted by it sometimes, but other times, like now, its a countdown to relief.
im so burnt out really, and not in the way i wish i were.
work depletes my energy mostly because im constantly giving and not enough recharging.
for example, this morning, i walk in to the nurses office at 725 a.m., and a 10th grader is having a panic attack. i sat with her, calmed her down, taught her how to breathe, but it was to no avail. it was a temporary fix.
at 735 a.m., i had a 45-minute parent conference with one of my darling students and her father. they told me all about going off to surinam and hunting in the jungle. i mean, damn.
after, it was just back to back constant interruptions, and i hardly had the time or inclination to work on my own stuff.
fucking barney is back, and her negative energy just absorbs mine, but im getting better about just letting this pitiful woman talk without listening.
yesterday wasnt any better. i took monday off, did i tell you? just a day to play hooky, spend time with my boy, and run off to do some work at borders. i finished my senior letters, though.
and in a short time, im going off track. im going to finish my hours at glendale, and i am so one with this program, and i pray that by august, ill be hired by them.
could it be so?
for this i pray.
i bought a lovely book of quotes from paolo coelhos books. and i also bought a new earth by eckhart tolle, who also wrote the power of now, a book that saved my life a few years ago.
i love my books, and lately, theyre the ones i snuggle up to before i fall asleep.
tonite, i have to write in my leather bound journal. its been too long.
if it seems im consumed by the mark of time, its because i truly am.
and i am disgusted by it sometimes, but other times, like now, its a countdown to relief.
im so burnt out really, and not in the way i wish i were.
work depletes my energy mostly because im constantly giving and not enough recharging.
for example, this morning, i walk in to the nurses office at 725 a.m., and a 10th grader is having a panic attack. i sat with her, calmed her down, taught her how to breathe, but it was to no avail. it was a temporary fix.
at 735 a.m., i had a 45-minute parent conference with one of my darling students and her father. they told me all about going off to surinam and hunting in the jungle. i mean, damn.
after, it was just back to back constant interruptions, and i hardly had the time or inclination to work on my own stuff.
fucking barney is back, and her negative energy just absorbs mine, but im getting better about just letting this pitiful woman talk without listening.
yesterday wasnt any better. i took monday off, did i tell you? just a day to play hooky, spend time with my boy, and run off to do some work at borders. i finished my senior letters, though.
and in a short time, im going off track. im going to finish my hours at glendale, and i am so one with this program, and i pray that by august, ill be hired by them.
could it be so?
for this i pray.
i bought a lovely book of quotes from paolo coelhos books. and i also bought a new earth by eckhart tolle, who also wrote the power of now, a book that saved my life a few years ago.
i love my books, and lately, theyre the ones i snuggle up to before i fall asleep.
tonite, i have to write in my leather bound journal. its been too long.
Sunday, February 10, 2008
seven months
of no contact with a male. no real, intimate, genuine contact where there was desire and passion and connection.
do i miss it? well, thats kind of hard to answer.
i miss w. i dont miss the whole production of sex.
thats where the difference lies.
i meet guys all the time, and there are times when theres incredible tension, but i just cant go there.
i havent met someone with whom i connect on a physical level. and for the life of me, ive been transformed in this area because of w, and i somehow cannot fuck someone.
and maybe it isnt even because of w, maybe ive evolved in my way of thinking or perceiving sex...but heres the thing: i am a commitmentphobe.
and at this point of the game, i dont want to just fuck anymore. i really want something that i havent done before. i want to sleep with someone i care about first. really care about.
i hate this emptiness i feel. the man is gone, and to be honest, i dont even know who i grieve for.
a wonderful sage asked me some time ago about w, what if he cant give you closure? he hasnt spoken with you in months. what if he wont give it to you?
then ill have to figure it out.
and i know what i have to do to get closure for myself. i know it, but ive stalled on it because perhaps theres a teeny tiny part of me that doesnt want to forgive myself yet.
im not at all putting the situation on a pedastal, or him for that matter. it was pretty hard, you know?
he said he wasnt ready to be in a relationship, and Lord knows i wasnt either, so in the beginning, it was perfect. but then, we began to spend time with each other. share stories. lean on each other for support.
and i got so frightened. getting close to someone emotionally and having great sex? my senses couldnt justify my feelings. it was foreign.
so, i began to distance myself. he called me on it. and i was aroused. no man had ever called me on my bullshit before. well, they may have, but not the way this man did.
this opened a can of worms. in my mind, i thought he was still in love with his exwife, and that if she ever said the word, he would come back.
sanva even addressed my hypervigilance about this, as she put it, and i knew that i had created something in my imagination.
and there was just so much shit that i couldnt deal with. this was such a secret that i felt he was ashamed or embarrassed about me...and i had to wonder if i was of him also?
we never went out, and i know that on my part, i just didnt want to share him when we had so little time together.
and i admit, i rushed it to end. i realized too late that he was the kind of man who needed time, who was so fucking analytical that he needed to think this to death, and i made death come soon.
of course, i didnt have to sleep with calo. at all. it was ridiculous. folly. and it shouldnt have happened. but i dont regret it. at all. it was something that happened, and even if it didnt happen, i think w and i would not have lasted, either.
or we would have. i dont know, you know?
im not a mind reader. and i shouldnt have played one.
live and learn.
of no contact with a male. no real, intimate, genuine contact where there was desire and passion and connection.
do i miss it? well, thats kind of hard to answer.
i miss w. i dont miss the whole production of sex.
thats where the difference lies.
i meet guys all the time, and there are times when theres incredible tension, but i just cant go there.
i havent met someone with whom i connect on a physical level. and for the life of me, ive been transformed in this area because of w, and i somehow cannot fuck someone.
and maybe it isnt even because of w, maybe ive evolved in my way of thinking or perceiving sex...but heres the thing: i am a commitmentphobe.
and at this point of the game, i dont want to just fuck anymore. i really want something that i havent done before. i want to sleep with someone i care about first. really care about.
i hate this emptiness i feel. the man is gone, and to be honest, i dont even know who i grieve for.
a wonderful sage asked me some time ago about w, what if he cant give you closure? he hasnt spoken with you in months. what if he wont give it to you?
then ill have to figure it out.
and i know what i have to do to get closure for myself. i know it, but ive stalled on it because perhaps theres a teeny tiny part of me that doesnt want to forgive myself yet.
im not at all putting the situation on a pedastal, or him for that matter. it was pretty hard, you know?
he said he wasnt ready to be in a relationship, and Lord knows i wasnt either, so in the beginning, it was perfect. but then, we began to spend time with each other. share stories. lean on each other for support.
and i got so frightened. getting close to someone emotionally and having great sex? my senses couldnt justify my feelings. it was foreign.
so, i began to distance myself. he called me on it. and i was aroused. no man had ever called me on my bullshit before. well, they may have, but not the way this man did.
this opened a can of worms. in my mind, i thought he was still in love with his exwife, and that if she ever said the word, he would come back.
sanva even addressed my hypervigilance about this, as she put it, and i knew that i had created something in my imagination.
and there was just so much shit that i couldnt deal with. this was such a secret that i felt he was ashamed or embarrassed about me...and i had to wonder if i was of him also?
we never went out, and i know that on my part, i just didnt want to share him when we had so little time together.
and i admit, i rushed it to end. i realized too late that he was the kind of man who needed time, who was so fucking analytical that he needed to think this to death, and i made death come soon.
of course, i didnt have to sleep with calo. at all. it was ridiculous. folly. and it shouldnt have happened. but i dont regret it. at all. it was something that happened, and even if it didnt happen, i think w and i would not have lasted, either.
or we would have. i dont know, you know?
im not a mind reader. and i shouldnt have played one.
live and learn.
falling in love again
its been awhile, a long dreary winter figuratively and literally, and ive been in a cocoon, living inside my head, hibernating.
and it hasnt been bad, but i knew that eventually, id have to make my way out into the real world again.
so, the time has come.
last week, i was consumed at work, and it was a bonding experience between me and fred. she was actually sympathetic, and she suggested that i get paid for the extra work ive been doing on my own. the best thing is that shes going to be gone for the next two weeks on a trip to israel and egypt, and im so excited for her. well, for me, too.
im in love with my job now, in love with my students, in love with the promise of their lives opening up and truly beginning, in love with my colleagues.
but its not all bliss (this is my new favorite word). i still want to leave when my seniors leave, regardless of the pay. i want to be in glendale, but i dont know if this is in favor. i pray that it is, but i will go wherever it is i am supposed to be.
i had lunch with brenfi, and after, we walked around and just had a simple sunday. we made a promise to do it again next month, the second sunday, and i cant wait.
after, i visited this place, where ive always wanted to check out. i fell in love with a 1955 sq. foot loft with a mezzanine, and im taking the boy tomorrow to check it out. its going to be expensive, and i may need to work more during my off track if i stay at poly. with my commitment issue, i probably wont put an offer on it because its like $800, ooo, but we shall see. i mean, id rather get a house for that money. and i dont have that money.
yesterday, my boy turned 15, and im in love with being a parent. despite its challenges of being a single one. man, its been so difficult the last year, you know? just the daily grind of his schedule and then of mine...its as if we are using each other as emotional punching bags, but the kid is solid.
i love him so much. and sometimes, i wish that i can close my eyes, and he can be six again. thats when life was the most fun, but also, one of the most...hard.
my celibacy has entered its seventh month, and frankly, its been fine. ive had some offers, but i just cant seem to will it, you know? i dont want my body to be polluted that way anymore, and i have to offer my gratitude to w.
i still miss him.
my sleep pattern has been very disturbed lately. i wake up around two in the morning, every morning for the last week, and i dont know what it is.
i thought that maybe it was because i went to bed early, like 9 (which is too damned early for a night owl like me - and why birds to describe early risers or late nighters), but the other night, i went to bed late after my photo class, and i still woke up at 2. every night.
so, whatever.
i feel so empowered today to purge and delete from my life. i started by axing my exhusband (just because he wont stand up to that ugly mofo partner of his) and dines. at work, there will be a few more to go. ive cut off a because hes a totally odd bird.
but hopefully not mr. jones, although he has mentioned more than once that he wants to meet a partner in marriage and in his photography business. i just dont want to be that person, you know? he wants kids. and y'all know how i feel about that, yeah?
purging is a good thing. it makes way for better. for others. for air.
i deleted some blogs i no longer read, deleted some folders from my email accounts, and then soon, ill delete files and other stuff from my computer.
or ill just get a new one.
my closet is next. im getting rid of some major stuff. shit, i should have done it for tax purposes this year.
oh, well.
live and learn.
its been awhile, a long dreary winter figuratively and literally, and ive been in a cocoon, living inside my head, hibernating.
and it hasnt been bad, but i knew that eventually, id have to make my way out into the real world again.
so, the time has come.
last week, i was consumed at work, and it was a bonding experience between me and fred. she was actually sympathetic, and she suggested that i get paid for the extra work ive been doing on my own. the best thing is that shes going to be gone for the next two weeks on a trip to israel and egypt, and im so excited for her. well, for me, too.
im in love with my job now, in love with my students, in love with the promise of their lives opening up and truly beginning, in love with my colleagues.
but its not all bliss (this is my new favorite word). i still want to leave when my seniors leave, regardless of the pay. i want to be in glendale, but i dont know if this is in favor. i pray that it is, but i will go wherever it is i am supposed to be.
i had lunch with brenfi, and after, we walked around and just had a simple sunday. we made a promise to do it again next month, the second sunday, and i cant wait.
after, i visited this place, where ive always wanted to check out. i fell in love with a 1955 sq. foot loft with a mezzanine, and im taking the boy tomorrow to check it out. its going to be expensive, and i may need to work more during my off track if i stay at poly. with my commitment issue, i probably wont put an offer on it because its like $800, ooo, but we shall see. i mean, id rather get a house for that money. and i dont have that money.
yesterday, my boy turned 15, and im in love with being a parent. despite its challenges of being a single one. man, its been so difficult the last year, you know? just the daily grind of his schedule and then of mine...its as if we are using each other as emotional punching bags, but the kid is solid.
i love him so much. and sometimes, i wish that i can close my eyes, and he can be six again. thats when life was the most fun, but also, one of the most...hard.
my celibacy has entered its seventh month, and frankly, its been fine. ive had some offers, but i just cant seem to will it, you know? i dont want my body to be polluted that way anymore, and i have to offer my gratitude to w.
i still miss him.
my sleep pattern has been very disturbed lately. i wake up around two in the morning, every morning for the last week, and i dont know what it is.
i thought that maybe it was because i went to bed early, like 9 (which is too damned early for a night owl like me - and why birds to describe early risers or late nighters), but the other night, i went to bed late after my photo class, and i still woke up at 2. every night.
so, whatever.
i feel so empowered today to purge and delete from my life. i started by axing my exhusband (just because he wont stand up to that ugly mofo partner of his) and dines. at work, there will be a few more to go. ive cut off a because hes a totally odd bird.
but hopefully not mr. jones, although he has mentioned more than once that he wants to meet a partner in marriage and in his photography business. i just dont want to be that person, you know? he wants kids. and y'all know how i feel about that, yeah?
purging is a good thing. it makes way for better. for others. for air.
i deleted some blogs i no longer read, deleted some folders from my email accounts, and then soon, ill delete files and other stuff from my computer.
or ill just get a new one.
my closet is next. im getting rid of some major stuff. shit, i should have done it for tax purposes this year.
oh, well.
live and learn.
Sunday, February 03, 2008
turning thirty (+9)
it started out awesomely. i had great advice from the ever knowing martha, and she was absolutely right when she said, youre the only one stopping yourself. your fears, your insecurities are preventing you from doing what you want to do and being where you want to be.
fucking a. i guess i just had to hear it, you know, even though its been on my mind lately.
which makes me wonder just when i lost my balls again, how did i lose them, and why the fuck is it taking so long to grow them back. but somehow, just listening to her, really listening with my heart and being so vulnerable to hearing the truth has made me realize and accept that i am talented and that i am a good counselor and most of all, i am a good person.
then we headed out to the suburbs because its also my nieces birthday. every time im there, i am loved. i am taken care of, and i am loved. and even if im not validated with words, i am validated by good energy and by feeling wanted. my spirit knows its home.
tonite at the griffin was a reunion of sorts, as well as a merging of friends past and present. i have to really break it off with dines because its so unhealthy being around her. shes insecure, and my own insecurities are surfacing. its a codependent relationship that needs to end.
katma was fucked up by the time she got there, and she pulled the same shit where she leaves all of a sudden. i was a bit worried about her driving, but what was i to do? she got home safely because she left a message.
my wonderful friend erbro, so fucking cute and sweet, didnt make it because he just found out that the lover hes had for a few weeks now, someone who he really likes, is hiv positive. and he sounded like he was going to cry, so tomorrow, i have to call him, and let him feel my support.
yjc brought his roommate who was so awesomely cool. he was touchy feely, holding my hands, putting his hands on me, without it feeling dirty. heres a part of our conversation.
im celibate, you know, i said.
no, i dont believe you.
why?
youre lying, right?
no...really, i am.
if thats true, then i respect and admire you more.
why?
because it means you have respect for yourself. i mean, come on, youre beautiful and fun and sexy, and you have the most awesome boots...obviously, its your choice to be.
so fucking cool, yeah? i told him what lead me to this recent bout of celibacy, and it was pretty therapeutic. at least i can get through it without dying.
others who were there: prira and her husband and two of their young friends, gaya, carfi, vansa, dapel, brenfi, brenfis friend bea, yjc, angu (without djc because his kid was with him), the still so hot edma (my exta before carfi), voski and his exgf (who is beautiful and sweet, by the way), addi and roca, dines and her boring ass friend (i know why she brought her), my exhusband and his fucking stupid shit partner (who is still so bitter and immature and fucking bald because he lost his hair so many years ago), and igra.
yup.
i know, right?
he called earlier, but i had missed his call, so i left a voice mail in which i said this: hi, igra. you left a message on my voice mail, but i havent checked it, but let me guess what you said. thanks for wishing me a happy birthday, and yeah, its okay if you dont come tonite, and no, im not married yet though someday i will be, and yeah, you should get that sex change operation. call me when you can. m.
so when he walked in, i was blown away again by how handsome and tall he is. i love his hair and his glasses and his body type. we were sitting by each other all night, just talking, but when he started talking to dines, i had to escape and talk to eduardo (yjcs roomie).
and when igra and dines were done, igra and i resumed our position of lounging on the seats. he makes me laugh, man, and i needed to laugh.
we stayed for a little while, then i drove him to my car, and we talked for about an hour. we can never leave right away without exhausting ourselves from talking.
he confessed, ive been working so hard, and im so stressed. and ive had to put my life on hold, but so many things on hold, you know, like our relationship, if we still have a relationship after this.
at first, i thought he was talking about something else, but i heard him right because when he said it, he looked at me sheepishly, like a kid waiting for approval, and i gave it to him.
i told him i understood, and i do. he and i are on this mad train ride, and soon, we will have to slow down and face life. he said theres a loneliness in him, and theres a loneliness in me, too, but its not the right time.
i know this. he knows this. its as if he needs my permission to go and to do because i know what he is going through. ive been there myself, and it was hell, but it was my private hell, and along the way, family and friends understood.
i can only pay it forward, you know?
he and i have a special relationship that doesnt need to be tainted by the physical world. we have such great talks, and perhaps we are stalling...no, i wont speak for him...perhaps im stalling because its what i need right now.
just someone to hear me and to listen to me and to accept what im going through.
i told him about work, about my students and the love we have for each other, and he was impressed. hes got mentees, so he knows the awe when you feel your work is making a difference.
and before he left, he repeated twice, i have a volleyball tournament this weekend and next weekend, but i should be free the next weekend.
we should go up to the snow.
yeah, if your schedule allows you some time to go away, lets do it.
see, i meant that he should come with me and my boy and my cousins to the snow, to mt baldy, as mr. jones suggested.
i want him to. i think he needs this as much as i do, not because we are all of a sudden going to be lovers, but because we are friends.
and if all we are meant to be are friends with such a powerful connection, spiritual connection, then i want it.
it would be more than enough.
when we get together, its just so simple. its like exhaling after holding my breath since the last time we got together. it feels so calm and serene.
and yes, i love him. i love him so much more than i care to realize or admit because right now, we are not whole. i dont want a part of him, i want all of him, and i want him to have all of me.
the him in the last paragraph can mean him-igra or him-someone else.
this is a going to be a great birth year. how can it be not? i welcomed it in with guidance and spending love time with my family and friends.
oh, and voski did not get an australian kiss because my exfriend did not show. im so done with him, so fucking done being assaulted by his false promises and his own illness.
he and dines are no longer welcome in my circle of friends, and another to go is lines (because shes a flake and mean, but because she will help me with my upcoming business venture, i will keep her as an associate).
i must hit the pillows and get under my layers of blankets now. i have to do work tomorrow, so ill be heading to b & n again to kick some ass.
next week, i wont have time to do shit because of proctoring, but in two weeks, im out.
be well.
it started out awesomely. i had great advice from the ever knowing martha, and she was absolutely right when she said, youre the only one stopping yourself. your fears, your insecurities are preventing you from doing what you want to do and being where you want to be.
fucking a. i guess i just had to hear it, you know, even though its been on my mind lately.
which makes me wonder just when i lost my balls again, how did i lose them, and why the fuck is it taking so long to grow them back. but somehow, just listening to her, really listening with my heart and being so vulnerable to hearing the truth has made me realize and accept that i am talented and that i am a good counselor and most of all, i am a good person.
then we headed out to the suburbs because its also my nieces birthday. every time im there, i am loved. i am taken care of, and i am loved. and even if im not validated with words, i am validated by good energy and by feeling wanted. my spirit knows its home.
tonite at the griffin was a reunion of sorts, as well as a merging of friends past and present. i have to really break it off with dines because its so unhealthy being around her. shes insecure, and my own insecurities are surfacing. its a codependent relationship that needs to end.
katma was fucked up by the time she got there, and she pulled the same shit where she leaves all of a sudden. i was a bit worried about her driving, but what was i to do? she got home safely because she left a message.
my wonderful friend erbro, so fucking cute and sweet, didnt make it because he just found out that the lover hes had for a few weeks now, someone who he really likes, is hiv positive. and he sounded like he was going to cry, so tomorrow, i have to call him, and let him feel my support.
yjc brought his roommate who was so awesomely cool. he was touchy feely, holding my hands, putting his hands on me, without it feeling dirty. heres a part of our conversation.
im celibate, you know, i said.
no, i dont believe you.
why?
youre lying, right?
no...really, i am.
if thats true, then i respect and admire you more.
why?
because it means you have respect for yourself. i mean, come on, youre beautiful and fun and sexy, and you have the most awesome boots...obviously, its your choice to be.
so fucking cool, yeah? i told him what lead me to this recent bout of celibacy, and it was pretty therapeutic. at least i can get through it without dying.
others who were there: prira and her husband and two of their young friends, gaya, carfi, vansa, dapel, brenfi, brenfis friend bea, yjc, angu (without djc because his kid was with him), the still so hot edma (my exta before carfi), voski and his exgf (who is beautiful and sweet, by the way), addi and roca, dines and her boring ass friend (i know why she brought her), my exhusband and his fucking stupid shit partner (who is still so bitter and immature and fucking bald because he lost his hair so many years ago), and igra.
yup.
i know, right?
he called earlier, but i had missed his call, so i left a voice mail in which i said this: hi, igra. you left a message on my voice mail, but i havent checked it, but let me guess what you said. thanks for wishing me a happy birthday, and yeah, its okay if you dont come tonite, and no, im not married yet though someday i will be, and yeah, you should get that sex change operation. call me when you can. m.
so when he walked in, i was blown away again by how handsome and tall he is. i love his hair and his glasses and his body type. we were sitting by each other all night, just talking, but when he started talking to dines, i had to escape and talk to eduardo (yjcs roomie).
and when igra and dines were done, igra and i resumed our position of lounging on the seats. he makes me laugh, man, and i needed to laugh.
we stayed for a little while, then i drove him to my car, and we talked for about an hour. we can never leave right away without exhausting ourselves from talking.
he confessed, ive been working so hard, and im so stressed. and ive had to put my life on hold, but so many things on hold, you know, like our relationship, if we still have a relationship after this.
at first, i thought he was talking about something else, but i heard him right because when he said it, he looked at me sheepishly, like a kid waiting for approval, and i gave it to him.
i told him i understood, and i do. he and i are on this mad train ride, and soon, we will have to slow down and face life. he said theres a loneliness in him, and theres a loneliness in me, too, but its not the right time.
i know this. he knows this. its as if he needs my permission to go and to do because i know what he is going through. ive been there myself, and it was hell, but it was my private hell, and along the way, family and friends understood.
i can only pay it forward, you know?
he and i have a special relationship that doesnt need to be tainted by the physical world. we have such great talks, and perhaps we are stalling...no, i wont speak for him...perhaps im stalling because its what i need right now.
just someone to hear me and to listen to me and to accept what im going through.
i told him about work, about my students and the love we have for each other, and he was impressed. hes got mentees, so he knows the awe when you feel your work is making a difference.
and before he left, he repeated twice, i have a volleyball tournament this weekend and next weekend, but i should be free the next weekend.
we should go up to the snow.
yeah, if your schedule allows you some time to go away, lets do it.
see, i meant that he should come with me and my boy and my cousins to the snow, to mt baldy, as mr. jones suggested.
i want him to. i think he needs this as much as i do, not because we are all of a sudden going to be lovers, but because we are friends.
and if all we are meant to be are friends with such a powerful connection, spiritual connection, then i want it.
it would be more than enough.
when we get together, its just so simple. its like exhaling after holding my breath since the last time we got together. it feels so calm and serene.
and yes, i love him. i love him so much more than i care to realize or admit because right now, we are not whole. i dont want a part of him, i want all of him, and i want him to have all of me.
the him in the last paragraph can mean him-igra or him-someone else.
this is a going to be a great birth year. how can it be not? i welcomed it in with guidance and spending love time with my family and friends.
oh, and voski did not get an australian kiss because my exfriend did not show. im so done with him, so fucking done being assaulted by his false promises and his own illness.
he and dines are no longer welcome in my circle of friends, and another to go is lines (because shes a flake and mean, but because she will help me with my upcoming business venture, i will keep her as an associate).
i must hit the pillows and get under my layers of blankets now. i have to do work tomorrow, so ill be heading to b & n again to kick some ass.
next week, i wont have time to do shit because of proctoring, but in two weeks, im out.
be well.
Friday, February 01, 2008
tomorrow
from a conversation with voski yesterday, around 7:15 p.m., about my friend.
voski: i had lunch with edmoney today, and hes going to your party on saturday.
me: hes not going to go.
voski: yes, he is. we went to phillipes today, and he said he was excited to go.
me: im telling you, hes not going to go.
voski: he said hes going to respond. hes going to go.
me: if he goes, i will give you an australian kiss.
voski (giggling): really?
me: yup. and i have to say two things. first, i think of this as very sacred, so i dont put it up for dares or anything, but im confident i wont break that. and second, i havent had practice for awhile, so it may take some time.
voski: okay. i wont call him up or remind him. he will be there.
me: im glad youre coming on saturday.
voski: in more ways than one.
this is such a sucker bet. my friend has the biggest anxiety disorder. if he goes, im going to check for piss stains.
and ill have to get on my knees.
speaking of knees, yesterday at 7:20 a.m., dabon said to me, yeah, women have weak knees.
yeah, its all the sucking and begging we have to do on them.
wow. you know i have to teach this today. how can i concentrate?
guess you wont be thinking of me on my knees, will you? because i dont beg...and i dont have a boyfriend currently.
wow.
have a good day, sir.
wow.
from a conversation with voski yesterday, around 7:15 p.m., about my friend.
voski: i had lunch with edmoney today, and hes going to your party on saturday.
me: hes not going to go.
voski: yes, he is. we went to phillipes today, and he said he was excited to go.
me: im telling you, hes not going to go.
voski: he said hes going to respond. hes going to go.
me: if he goes, i will give you an australian kiss.
voski (giggling): really?
me: yup. and i have to say two things. first, i think of this as very sacred, so i dont put it up for dares or anything, but im confident i wont break that. and second, i havent had practice for awhile, so it may take some time.
voski: okay. i wont call him up or remind him. he will be there.
me: im glad youre coming on saturday.
voski: in more ways than one.
this is such a sucker bet. my friend has the biggest anxiety disorder. if he goes, im going to check for piss stains.
and ill have to get on my knees.
speaking of knees, yesterday at 7:20 a.m., dabon said to me, yeah, women have weak knees.
yeah, its all the sucking and begging we have to do on them.
wow. you know i have to teach this today. how can i concentrate?
guess you wont be thinking of me on my knees, will you? because i dont beg...and i dont have a boyfriend currently.
wow.
have a good day, sir.
wow.
indifference with a bit of pity
when the exbf left, an amazing breath escaped from my lips. i mean, it was pretty life changing, and i immediately cried tears of joy.
a couple of weeks after he left, i slept with fp. it wasnt at all that great, but whatever. the whole time, i was pretty distant from the whole act.
the exbf and i continued talking on the phone, making plans, fighting, screaming, declaring our love for each other for almost a year, and then a curious thing happened. he stopped calling.
i knew he was either back to living his life the way he did before he came here, or he was seeing someone else. he confessed that he had been in contact with someone, and i told him that he can continue that because i was done.
he begged, he cried, he said he was waiting for me to tell him to come to our life. i heard nothing. i was cold. he told me of his plans to hitchhike across the country, making his way to my end of the universe with nothing but a backpack and his computer.
during his four month journey, he called me sporadically, checking in, and once, when he was in montana, he asked me, can i come back?
no, please dont. its different now.
do you love me?
no, not the way you deserve to be loved.
youre such a whore. are you sleeping with others? is that it?
what does it matter? its been a year, and there hasnt been progress. its pretty dead.
it isnt dead. i love you, and we are going to be together.
i have to go now. i cant talk about this right now.
he was in ohio then, his computer was stolen, and he was hanging out with hotel people.
when he was in montana, he called again. this time, i was more firm.
dont come back, i said. youll be coming back to someone different. just forget me and the boy.
how can i? youre my family. i want to go back to my family.
we are no longer a family. you left, remember?
you told me to. you said you needed time. i gave you time. now i want to come back.
no.
please, m. i am begging you. i dont want to go back to ny. it will different this time.
i dont know. i dont think it will be. i need more time to finish school.
so, he hitchhiked back to his fathers place, and a few months later, i called him one day, and he called me by a different name.
uh, im not that person.
oh, sorry.
is that who youre going to?
yes.
good. im glad. im glad youre happy.
its complicated.
no, it isnt. youre happy with someone else.
i will always love you. you and the boy. no matter what.
what the fuck do i want with that? youre going to someone else so it doesnt matter if youre going to love me for a second or forever.
i know, but its just...its difficult to explain.
you know what? it doesnt matter. im going away this weekend.
for what?
i need to find some peace.
with who?
what?
who are you going away with?
no one. myself. others.
is the boy going?
no.
youre going away with that guy, right?
what guy?
the guy you fucked when i left?
how did you know about that?
i didnt. i suspected. but now, i dont have to wonder. ive got to go. im going to miss my bus.
bye.
i love you.
i went off to search, and i found more than what i needed, and i havent looked back since. well, no, thats not accurate. i did.
the thing is that i really harbor no hard feelings for him until a few days ago when i was instantly reminded of the demon he is, of the hell he lives his life, of the monster hes in love with.
upgrade, man, if you leave me for another...upgrade.
his chosen one is aptly named "evil wicked", which for the sake of me doesnt make any sense. but shes got these pictures of witches and women with no eyes on her website, and she curses like the cheap trash that she is.
why am i bringing this up now? because he attacked me. with his tired words that hes used so many fucking times that it makes me yawn.
i guess i should have felt some kind of pain, but finally, i just felt indifference. and boredom. and disgust.
hes pretty much trash. really. from some small ass town in upstate new york trash. and when he was with me, when he was with my friends, he was philosophical, eloquent.
i loved listening to him talk. i loved when he told stories of his past and then of our future. i didnt believe it, though, you know, but it was good to listen.
when he drank, i saw him for what he was, and then...what brought me to chills was that i knew what our life together would be. i didnt want to be with him.
it was a painful decision, but it was a right one.
and i hope he remains in the hell hes created with his grandma fiance. yup, shes a grandma. and shes like 35. nice, yeah?
whatever. as long as the exbf is happy.
i dont really give a flying fuck.
when the exbf left, an amazing breath escaped from my lips. i mean, it was pretty life changing, and i immediately cried tears of joy.
a couple of weeks after he left, i slept with fp. it wasnt at all that great, but whatever. the whole time, i was pretty distant from the whole act.
the exbf and i continued talking on the phone, making plans, fighting, screaming, declaring our love for each other for almost a year, and then a curious thing happened. he stopped calling.
i knew he was either back to living his life the way he did before he came here, or he was seeing someone else. he confessed that he had been in contact with someone, and i told him that he can continue that because i was done.
he begged, he cried, he said he was waiting for me to tell him to come to our life. i heard nothing. i was cold. he told me of his plans to hitchhike across the country, making his way to my end of the universe with nothing but a backpack and his computer.
during his four month journey, he called me sporadically, checking in, and once, when he was in montana, he asked me, can i come back?
no, please dont. its different now.
do you love me?
no, not the way you deserve to be loved.
youre such a whore. are you sleeping with others? is that it?
what does it matter? its been a year, and there hasnt been progress. its pretty dead.
it isnt dead. i love you, and we are going to be together.
i have to go now. i cant talk about this right now.
he was in ohio then, his computer was stolen, and he was hanging out with hotel people.
when he was in montana, he called again. this time, i was more firm.
dont come back, i said. youll be coming back to someone different. just forget me and the boy.
how can i? youre my family. i want to go back to my family.
we are no longer a family. you left, remember?
you told me to. you said you needed time. i gave you time. now i want to come back.
no.
please, m. i am begging you. i dont want to go back to ny. it will different this time.
i dont know. i dont think it will be. i need more time to finish school.
so, he hitchhiked back to his fathers place, and a few months later, i called him one day, and he called me by a different name.
uh, im not that person.
oh, sorry.
is that who youre going to?
yes.
good. im glad. im glad youre happy.
its complicated.
no, it isnt. youre happy with someone else.
i will always love you. you and the boy. no matter what.
what the fuck do i want with that? youre going to someone else so it doesnt matter if youre going to love me for a second or forever.
i know, but its just...its difficult to explain.
you know what? it doesnt matter. im going away this weekend.
for what?
i need to find some peace.
with who?
what?
who are you going away with?
no one. myself. others.
is the boy going?
no.
youre going away with that guy, right?
what guy?
the guy you fucked when i left?
how did you know about that?
i didnt. i suspected. but now, i dont have to wonder. ive got to go. im going to miss my bus.
bye.
i love you.
i went off to search, and i found more than what i needed, and i havent looked back since. well, no, thats not accurate. i did.
the thing is that i really harbor no hard feelings for him until a few days ago when i was instantly reminded of the demon he is, of the hell he lives his life, of the monster hes in love with.
upgrade, man, if you leave me for another...upgrade.
his chosen one is aptly named "evil wicked", which for the sake of me doesnt make any sense. but shes got these pictures of witches and women with no eyes on her website, and she curses like the cheap trash that she is.
why am i bringing this up now? because he attacked me. with his tired words that hes used so many fucking times that it makes me yawn.
i guess i should have felt some kind of pain, but finally, i just felt indifference. and boredom. and disgust.
hes pretty much trash. really. from some small ass town in upstate new york trash. and when he was with me, when he was with my friends, he was philosophical, eloquent.
i loved listening to him talk. i loved when he told stories of his past and then of our future. i didnt believe it, though, you know, but it was good to listen.
when he drank, i saw him for what he was, and then...what brought me to chills was that i knew what our life together would be. i didnt want to be with him.
it was a painful decision, but it was a right one.
and i hope he remains in the hell hes created with his grandma fiance. yup, shes a grandma. and shes like 35. nice, yeah?
whatever. as long as the exbf is happy.
i dont really give a flying fuck.
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