gift

it started off with a simple text message from him: i have something for you.

oh? what is it?

youll have to wait just like you always make me wait.

come on, a hint?

bigger than an aspirin, smaller than a bread box. i hope youll like it.

i know i will. its from you.

i was walking on sunset to get something to eat for lunch, and it caught my eye, and i knew i wanted you to have it.

a few hours later, he told me, reach into my pocket.

uh-oh, ive played this game before.

my coat pocket.

i pulled out a bracelet, silver with opal and tiny diamonds. i loved it immediately.

ive been waiting all day to see your face when you saw it, he said.

~*~*~

his hand was on the back of my neck, another one on my throat.

the intensity was high, as always, the need to fuck so strong, but we dont give in right away.

its a slow dance, a sexy step by step rather than sloppy jump. but we jump, too, just not tonite.

he bit my neck, and i was lost in that sting. i love that feeling of pain and pleasure, of submitting to him.

he took off his pants, and my mouth immediately wanted to taste him. i licked his cock and moved my way down, and then up again, and the texture of him, the scent of him drive me insane.

his hand found my hair, and he grabbed and pulled me up to his mouth for a rough kiss. he tried to push me on top of him, but i couldnt yet, i wanted him in my mouth. i love him in my mouth.

youre going to make me cum with your mouth alone, he whispered.

and because i know how important it is for me to cum as many times i want, its more important that we cum together, so i mounted him.

we both couldnt help it, when that moment i welcome him and he slips into me, that moment when we are truly one, that moment where our souls breathe each other in, we make a single sound, a gasp, a moan, i cant tell anymore.

and im moving over him, and hes got my hair in a fist, and hes kissing me, and we are one physically and mentally and emotionally.

its so intense, our hearts pounding, our breaths in synch, our love being made...

and then he pulls me down so deep on him that we cum together, and im lost in our smell, our touch, our sounds, our words...

~*~*~

do me a favor, he said while we were waiting for the boy outside the school after his game.

yes?

whatever happens between us, dont ever take the bracelet off. i mean, dont put it away, and keep it somewhere else.

oh, god. whatever happens between us?

no, thats not what i meant.

i cant do this. i cant go through being hurt by you again. i havent recovered yet.

no, im not doing anything. look, i bought this for you to let you know im not going anywhere. that im in this for good.

seriously, just tell me. is this a consolation prize? something to remember you by?

no. come on. do you want me to buy you a ring?

like thats going to keep us together? besides, its too soon.

yes, it is. and i dont want that. i just want you.

you have me. im not going anywhere. look at me.

i did, and his eyes were so warm and soft and so fucking sexy.

i look at him, and i say nothing.

im not going anywhere.

okay.

irresistable

we had been kissing, since the night before after dinner and then again while waiting for the boy to finish his game.

we had been kissing, and its more passionate, more hungry, more sweet, more knowing.

i love when he moves my hair from my face gently...or when he grabs it in his fist hard and makes my head involuntarily move back.

if you were to ask me which is my favorite, id have to tell you, well, it depends on his kiss.

i love this mans soul, the multidimensional facet of it, and i must admit, i have never met anyone like him. and i fear i never will.

the sound that he makes when i mount him and he slips into me is a cross between a gasp and a moan, and when i look down on him, his eyes are closed and he seems to be in another world.

and in this world, i wonder what hes thinking. because what im thinking when im grinding against his cock is how to hold on to him when i cum, how to show him how much i love him, how to make him remember this moment...

then he says to me, baby, i want you to come.

because hes cumming.

and then all i can think about is how a part of me stays with him after i move off of him.

calm before the storm

i wasnt expecting him to go with me last night to an artists reception, but it was a pleasant surprise when he messaged me, im leaving now. i want to go.

because really? he hadnt mentioned it to me at all.

and we went back and forth on what he was going to wear, but i didnt care. i just wanted to be there with him because lately, his presence has been very comforting.

theres something about our chemistry that allows me to be honest with him, so last night, after i had a little meltdown that he put a stop on right away, i began to speak.

i told him that this is still very raw and tender for me, that i know we are no longer together, and i am healing slowly, but as i told him, im sorry, but i cant over this as quickly as you have.

youre so wrong if you think im over this.

i love him so much.

~*~*~

its saturday afternoon now, and im resting up for a hard week ahead.

new mester, photo fusing class monday night, therapy on tuesday, and a conflict/mediation class on wednesday at csun. the rest of the week, im going to hang out with the boy and just chill because i hate feeling so exhausted.

yesterday, he went to the dentist to get something minor done, but later in the afternoon, he tests me, i am in such pain. he had to do major surgery.

yet, he still went to work. furking trooper, that guy.

i didnt think he would want to hang out, especially since i know how agonizing dental work is (i remember the exbf in his misery), but i was surprised when he said he wanted to.

so, i picked him up, then we picked up the boy and his friend from their football game. the night before, he said, you know what i was thinking? we should go to matts football game. i think he would like that. when i played a sport, it felt good to see my mom watching me when i made a play. otherwise, youre just doing it for strangers.

he melts me. i went to every single one of my sons basketball game, but football? god, ill make a fool of myself when i see him get hurt.

hes a boy. of course, hes going to get hurt, he tells me.

and i know this. i expect it. but really? it pains me.

last night, when the boy got in the car, he said, i need some pain pills. my head hurts.

he took a guy down, explained his friend.

shit. this is when i want him to be the little boy i could protect in my arms. as it is, i have to tiptoe to give him a peck on the cheek.

and so, there we were, a few minutes later, at a place the boy chose because they won the game and this is their reward.

he couldnt eat for twenty four hours, and i joined him in that fast, even though i hadnt eaten since four that afternoon. i threw it up, though, because im still feeling sick from when he broke up with me two weeks ago.

we are friends. the best kind, where we get each other, where we support each other, where we love each other.

the only thing we cant do? think of him as part of my future in a city that ive been dying to live in since i was 16, live a life where we come home to each other and make love all night long, grow old with together.

and this breaks my heart into pieces like shattered glass.

but this i know. if for this moment in my life i have him, then i want this moment to last.

untitled

i dont understand him, yet i am fascinated by him. i want to know his demons, the ones that keep him up at night, the ones that keep him from coming close to me, the ones that make him humble.

youre complicated, he told me the other night.

im not. im an open book. you just have to know how to read me.

perhaps it was too soon to fall in love with him, but i regret nothing. i dont know him, i dont know him at all; however i do know these things: when im with him, i feel safe. when he looks at me, my heart melts. when he kisses me, i am lost in everything sexy and raw. when he fucked me, i knew nothing except for our bodies in tune with each other. and when he loved me, i knew my name.

and though its over, though my heart has begun to heal and my life regaining back its dimensions before him, i know that i have been forever changed.

i wish to welcome love, abundance, and God into my life every day, to recognize and to take advantaget of opportunities to have love, abundance, and God in my life, to be always grateful and humbled for love, abundance, and God in my life.

he showed me how i want to be loved and how i want to love. it just didnt work out, not the way i wanted it to, and maybe its because im not ready or he isnt...or perhaps it wasnt the right combination, but whatever it is, the bottom line is that it is over.

there are so many for rent signs everywhere, and when i drive past them, my memories wander back to a time when we had planned to live together, first here then in sf.

sometimes, i wonder if he remembers. i wonder if he lets himself go back to when it was new. because i do. i linger there, trying to figure out when it started to crumble, and then i start to crumble.

and i get out of there as fast as i can.

im so happy that we are friends. eventually, we will meet others, and when that time is here, then we will have to say our goodbyes.

until then...

we belong to each other.

last night

theres something in the way he looks at me, how his eyes get soft and delicious, and i have to pull myself away.

at dinner, sitting across from him, not touching him because i dont want to fall into that space where everything is confused, sitting across from him, him looking at me, there was a moment where i knew my name again.

because this past week? i was lost in a haze of hurt, of tears and disappointment, of loneliness and emptiness.

so, last night, when we were sitting across from each other, tentative with words, keeping to safe topics, i know in my heart that our eyes say what needs to be said.

and when we walked to my car, when i asked him for a hug, when i smelled his soul, we kissed and kissed, it felt so good to be lost in that dizziness, love replacing loneliness and emptiness, even if it was for a single moment.

and the way he trembles and the way i fall into him, the way he grabs my hair and the way he looks at me when we break away, and the way i feel...

i wouldnt trade it for the world.

i do not know what it is about this man, about the chemistry and the connection that we have that ive never had with another, about the way i feel at home and yet in a turbulent sea at the same time, i do not know why i am compelled to go against my nature, to go against who i was before i met him, i do not know why, but i know this.

if with him, i know my name, then i dont want to be away from him.

theres still so much to talk about, fears to conquer, love to be had, but i know that with this man?

i am his.

should have known better

i saw the signs, but ever the optimist, i chose to overlook them, thinking that i still had time.

he is an amazing person, but its over, and i dont even know if i could fight for it.

i am hurting, but ill get over it. everyone does. i will, too.

i just honestly, in good faith, wanted this to work out so much, to not even have to search anymore, but how could that be?

well, itll happen. i know it will.

soon.

~*~*~

today, i went to see serga, and he said, you look hot.

thanks. i dont feel so hot.

well, you do. so, you finally came to visit me.

yeah, its because youre so far away, and i dont feel like getting a stamp on my passport just to gave to come visit you.

and when i hugged him good bye, he hugged me really tightly.

he then said, i think ill stand here and watch you walk away.

please dont.

id like to.

if you do, then ill just stand here.

really? it kind of felt good.

i pray.

i hope.

smile

we were at a light, my son and i, and my window was halfway down.

i heard the boys to my left in their car talking and when i looked over, i saw an arm with tattoos.

then the boy in the passenger side said to me, why dont you smile?

give me something to smile about.

youre alive.

you know what? you are absolutely right. absolutely. where are you headed?

to the bank. come follow us.

the light turned green.

thank you, i said, i needed to be reminded.

signs of wear and tear

the other night, i went to him, tired but with some kind of peace about work.

i wore a dress that was easy access with an awesome print, and at some point, he commented, your dress is pretty.

the first kiss is one that seems to set the tone. the first real kiss, not the one of greeting, but the one that makes me dizzy and wanting him so much.

it was sweet that night, the first kiss, and when i leaned back, i pulled him with me.

i took off his sweater, and i ran my hands down his back. i love the feel of his skin, knowing that this skin is marked with art that reveals his history.

everyone who knows hes marked up asks me if ive seen all of this tats, and i tell them i havent. i think its because im not ready yet to hear the circumstances of his life when he was inked at a particular spot.

he has lived a life that is so different from mine and from those ive known. he tells me how hes lived, both good and bad, without bitterness and anger. and now, his heart has hope.

he constantly strives to be a better person, to be a better man, and it makes me love him so.

and it makes me want him so much.

so, that night, when i was kissing him and touching his skin and thinking all of this, i was so wet, and he whispered to me, i want to be in you.

he pulled his pants off, and he entered me so easily and quickly, and i threw my whole being into that moment. i could think of nothing, feel nothing, want nothing, need nothing but him.

he was in me, and we were moving, and he reached up and grabbed my hand to hold while hes fucking me, making love to me, kissing me, holding me.

i love this man so much, and when he said, i want you to cum, i knew it was because he was about to and he wanted to cum together.

after, he asked me if i wanted to eat, and he made something simple but meant so much.

ive never cooked for anyone before, he said.

you were married, how could you have not?

and he explained, but i didnt hear because really? while i know the past cannot hurt, it still does a little.

~*~*~

this past week was really a struggle for me.

when i went in for therapy, i was ready to ask her to write me a medical leave of absence, but she talked me down from my anxiety.

and it wasnt just work, it was also him. i guess i was feeling some sort of strain with looking for a place for us to all live together, and i didnt feel like he cared. i mean, i know he does, but i didnt want this to be left up to me alone.

hes told me, just look for houses, and we can look at the ones you like.

but i heard, just look for houses because i dont have time to be involved in this.

this isnt true. he works six days a week, and when hes off, he needs to do the things he cant do the other days.

which is something i understand. but not last sunday. i freaked out on him, and i was crying at the fucking parking lot at the target on lake.

it scared me because i never show emotion, never felt like i can be vulnerable to anyone, but hes amazing.

after, when i calmed down, i took him to one of my new favorite discoveries. actually, igra and i had dinner there last friday.

when we parked, he pulled me to the side and said, i dont want you to put me through that again, okay? next time you do, im going to spank you, and not in a good way. do you understand?

yes, baby. im sorry.

what we have is a love that neither one of us thought we would get in life. i never thought i would be worthy to be loved and cared for and respected like he does, and i know that i will never be able to settle for anything less.

its a risk with this man, and we have so much to learn and to maneuver and adjust to.

time with him is important, to be able to share and to touch and to just be.

i dont want to look for homes here in la because i know i want to live with him in sf. start our life there.

but my son wants to be here, to graduate from here, to get his lettermans jacket from this school.

and so we will stay.

its only temporary.

unreasonable

he sent me more of his work, and i cant help but be in awe of this artist.

however, right now, i sit here, processing and analyzing and wondering why im so fucking irritated that he works on parts of womens bodies that are bordering on the breasts, the mound, the ass...

tramp stamp.

and of course, of course i asked him if hes ever slept with them.

he said he hasnt.

the man doesnt lie, and im trying so hard to just be calm about this.

he sensed there was something wrong, so he asked me if everything was okay.

i said yes.

i know that when we see each other in an hour or so, he will be concerned.

thats just how he is.

this man i love. this man i want to trust. this man who loves me.

he loves me. this i cannot deny or question.

and im trying hard not to be fucking ridiculous, downright unreasonable about his work.

i wont say anything, i wont make him feel like he has to worry about me when hes at work or when hes with a female client.

come on, this relationship is too strong for that.

but dammit, it fucking hits me in a place that i hate to be hit.

time time time

i just came back from an amazing three day workshop, the best ive been to ever since being at this district. i met some beautiful spirits, and their energy? contagious.

of course, all good things must come to an end, and so when we were saying good bye, once again, my plans for the future have been shattered.

the training was about how to facilitate groups for students who have alcohol, tobacco, and other drug problems, those who are in crisis and/or grieving, those who are in question or who are lgbt. and theres a tiny voice whispering that perhaps, i might want to study mental illness.

i dont want to give up my hopes of going to sfai, but what if...

here we go. what if.

~*~*~

the boy dropped an expected bombshell on me the other day.

he wants to stay for his senior year, and of course, i thought that this would happen, but i didnt think it would be so soon.

of course he should want to stay with his friends, of course he should finish off his high school year in familiar surroundings...and of course, he should continue to be on the varsity team that he worked so hard to be on and so hard to be chosen to be on as a junior.

because my child? he may not be headed to the majors, but the child has determination and focus and resilience.

and if i am so blessed to have a child like this, i am compelled to help others.

every day, during morning prayer, i ask God for guidance as to where my life is headed, where it is i am to be to help others.

and because we are in a society where we have so many things to tackle, we also are abundant with resources.

i know i want to work on my creativity. i want to go to sfai, but i have a pull to be of service to the poor or the hurting or those who have a chance to be saved. you know why? because all those? its me.

i feel good about who i am. i feel happy. and not only because i have such love in my life, but i have this love in my life because im happy.

~*~*~

he is this man who takes my breath away with his stories and his experiences and his pain. he remains so pure of heart, as he was when he was there, without malice or blame or bitterness.

saturday night, we went for a drive, and he mapped out his childhood, and what strikes me is one word: resilience.

he went through so much, and at the end of that journey? he still loves his mother, and his life is intact.

the man goes to work and does what he is born to do in this world...he marks up people who want beautiful art on their body, his art, his work.

last night, igra and i went to this awesome cafe in the heart of the arts district in dtla, where one block in either direction brings you to skid row.

at this cafe, the manager and the server were so genuine and fun and when igra showed them pictures of my tattoo artists work, they wanted to have his work done on them.

i joked, igra, youre pimping him out so he will be very busy. you just want him away from me.

well, of course. i like this.

so, yeah, igra knows. and is happy for me, i think. but im not sure. he seems it. he sounds like it a little.

but to be truthful?

i think a small part of him thought that i would be single forever.

happily, i dont think i will be.

i am in love.

and it feels...natural.

off to lunch then a photoshoot.

this photoshoot could lead to something.

keep your fingers crossed.