busy busy busy

this past week has been frighteningly filled with must-dos, have-tos, and one sweet night with willal. i wish i can say that things are better, that i, in fact, am better, but sadly, i cant.

its been seven months, and nothing has changed, and why should it? i dont want it to. i know this. its an internal conflict, you know, how i want one thing but not really then i get so hurt and upset because he cant read my mind.

i had a great session with sanva the other day. it was a must-do because i really needed to discuss some issues ive been having. one of it is boredom.

my life is great. i love my life, i love my job, i love that im almost done with school. i love my son, love that he is graduating from 8th grade, love that he is working hard to do what he needs to do to be successful. i love that i am independent, that i know my mind and my heart, that i am a good person.

but the problem is that im so bored. bored with the guys ive met or have had. bored with my furniture. bored with other things. but bored.

i cant wait until summer when i can take a night photography class. i cant wait until i can develop my prints. i cant wait until i meet someone great. and i cant wait until my son and i graduate and vacation at guanajuato, mexico.

see, this is my problem. im always looking ahead, looking for different. i need to slow down and appreciate my life right now. right this minute.

i think its time to reread the power of now.

off to a night of drinking, smoking, and poetry reading. i cant wait. the other night, dapel invited me to watch his high schools production of miss saigon. im so impressed with creative, talented people.

i need to develop my own creativity. when i pass my last question on the damned comps, im going to finally buy my camera.

finally.

light at the end of the tunnel

its almost here, the end of this program. but im so tired, so exhausted. i cant believe how this fatigue makes me want to vomit.

saw him yesterday. it was fun.

more...

been awhile

since ive said good bye.

since ive felt a loss.

since ive felt the traces of his skin on mine.

since my mind has wandered to him, only him.

since ive known that this is the right thing for both of us.

since ive been so sad to know that i may never talk to him again.

and until all this is behind me, i will sit with it for awhile.

four pm on a given thursday

it was gorgeous that day. the sun was bright and illuminated the ugly room i was in. the rays displayed all the dust flying around, making everything dirty and gritty.

i called him on a whim. it had been a long time since i had seen him, and i had been thinking of him for a few days. there is something about his voice that uplifts me the times ive heard it.

its hard not to compare them. one is solid, respectful, reserved. the other, this one, is funny, raunchy, cool. they both bring out the parts of me that are kept hidden or intermingled with other aspects of my personality.

he answered my call right away, and immediately, i feel lighter. we make small talk, complete with innuendos, and i am wet. i tell him so.

i asked when i could see him, and he said he was busy today. he needed to be somewhere at 5:30, but i said i could be at his place by 4. the plan was set.

after battling traffic for an hour, i find a parking spot in front of his place and smile as he greeted me. with him, there is no shyness like with the other one, only an easiness.

he lead me up the stairs, and he tried to grab my ass on the second floor landing, but i instinctively swatted his hand away. he laughed at my reaction, and i leaned in for a kiss. it was awkward balancing between two steps, so i continued upstairs.

we got to his place, and i said, hello.

hi. how are you?

you tell me.

come here.

he sat down on the sofa and motioned for me to sit next to him. when i did, he kissed me hard, but i moved away. i need five minutes, i said.

for?

i just need to relax with you for five minutes before starting on anything.

okay...

its been a long day, and i just want to lie here. is that okay?

yes.

he layed down facing me, stretched out his arm and put it under his head to mirror my arm that was under mine. with the other hand, he grabbed my leg and threw it over him. we closed our eyes, but when i peeked, i saw him smiling.

willal used to wonder what was wrong with me when i came over and was not immediately affectionate. i told him that i always need some time to acclimate to the surroundings. because we are no longer seeing each other on a need-to-fuck basis, there wont be any more acclimation going on.

a few minutes later, the man in front of me moved his hand to trace my ass, but i wiggled away because i was not yet ready.

it hasnt been five minutes, i said.

its been five minutes ten minutes ago.

a little while longer, please.

he complied. and so when i was ready, i allowed him to take me.

but first, i took his cock into my mouth. it was a bit difficult because the thing is humongous. i licked it and tasted it and felt the texture of it on my tongue. it was then that i began to feel aroused.

i looked up at him to see his reaction, and he seemed stunned. he couldnt speak, couldnt move, and i knew that he loved being in my mouth.

he pulled me up on top of him, and i began to move up and down on his thickness until i came. i got off and lied on my stomach so he can fuck me in this way.

at first, he teased my asshole with the tip of his cock, and i prepared for him to ask me to let him fuck me this way, but he didnt. he guided his cock into my pussy as he layed on top of me. his arms encircled me while his hands looked for mine.

he moved in a rhythm that found me climaxing intensely and feeling so good. i moved my ass against him, felt his body over mine, and heard his grunts in my ear.

when he came moments later, he bit my shoulder. i could feel his sweat on me, dripping, cleansing me. he looked at me and said, the only time i sweat like this is when im playing soccer.

i licked the sweat off of his chest, and i loved the clean smell of him. he got up to take a shower while i layed there, in the same way he left me. his phone ringing didnt let me sleep fully.

when he came out of the shower, he sat by me, and i rested my head on his leg. his legs are so strong from running up and down that field after a silly, little ball.

we both dozed off for a few minutes until i felt his hand on my ass waking me up so he could get dressed. when it was time to part, i said to him, thank you. i always forget how good you are.

thank you for this cd.

youre welcome. we will do this again.

for sure. you let me know.

i will.

and i drove off into the la traffic.

so, yeah,

its over. havent talked or been in contact for the past week.

amazingly, im well. i think hes decided to get to know that other person better.

i just wish him luck and only the best.

looking forward to finishing up school and making more friends and meeting the one.

actually, theres this one guy. more later. hes got an awesome name. what if?

brown-eyed girl

whenever that song came on, he sang it to me. i miss him so much. no matter who is in me, who is in my life, somehow, i manage to find a way to think about him.

i know hes with someone now, and if he werent, i often ask myself would i want him with me? and the answer is no. i cant anymore. its been too long, and hes moved on. i have, too, in some ways, but sometimes, late in the night, or when its quiet, or when van morrison sang about his own brown-eyed girl, i cant help but feel him still around me.

things were simple, yet complicated. seems like thats how its been lately. but i know that when i meet him, HIM, him, the simplicity of love will return.

theres so much more of me i need to know.

work is great. jc, the sexy boy, is sweet. hes got an 8-year-old son. looks like nothing will be happening between us. not that hes interested.

saw calo today. more about that tomorrow. it was hot. literally and figuratively.

fatigue

im so tired, i feel like vomitting.

in other news, the boy at work, who i must have to say has a sexiness about him, is only 24. i was actually fooled because he looked older.

the flirting ensued again yesterday and continued to today. he is so...yummylicious for lack of a better word. i have fantasies of this boy. young. god, help me.

in other other news, my fear has gotten the best of me again, and i will let it win for real this time.

igra called me saturday. he will be out of town. when he comes back, id like to go out with him again and just have fun. and by fun, i mean talk and drink, and then say good night.

in other other other news, work is great. testing the last two days and more testing next week. its awesome to have an out of classroom position. i think im being sarcastic, but i dont know because im too tired.

there is something in development, early early stages of something that i am very interested in. keep your fingers crossed...

intensity

yesterday, we text messaged each other so many times through the day. the messages were sexy, with an intensity that i have not felt in such a long time.

he went to a friends house while i stayed home and typed a paper. he told me that he will leave as soon as i am ready for him.

when we saw each other at around one in the morning, i felt shy and giddy. i couldnt even look at him without grinning, smiling so widely. i knew i had to gather myself, but it would take time.

he greeted me at the door, and i tried to make small talk, but it doesnt work that way with us. the elevator door opened, and we stepped in. i moved closer to him, and i kissed him. the kiss was slow, seductive, the way i needed to have him with me.

the ride up was so quick, so when the doors opened, he seemed a bit dazed by what just happened. we walk slowly to the loft, holding hands, looking out at the skyline covered in fog.

he closed the door behind us, and we put the bags down, and we kissed fully and forcefully. it had been too long. his cock was hard, beautiful as always, and i could not help but be wet.

he led us to the kitchen, where he kissed me hard, and where i slowly undressed him. he hiked up my skirt and placed his fingers on my clit and in my ass. he continued to finger me while he kissed me, and it didnt take me too long to cum.

we fucked on his new rug, a plan he mentioned earlier. it was intense, and it was sweet, and it was hard.

we layed on the rug talking. i love his voice.

he said, theres a girl at work who likes me.

oh?

yeah. but i dont like her.

why not?

i dont do that. i dont get involved with people at work. its getting on my nerves.

why?

you know, when you and i first talked, there was an instant connection.

you and i?

yes. but theres no connection with this person, so why even bother?

yeah, connection is everything, i think.

it is. i wont even waste my time. her friend keeps telling me to ask her out.

huh.

but im not going to. its getting on my nerves. shes being a pain in the ass.

im sorry. wow, its 3 in the morning. its getting late. i have to go.

why?

i have two papers to do, remember?

yeah, but why are you leaving? is it because i shared this with you?

no, not at all. thanks for letting me know. now i know why you had condoms.

dont start that. you said you were going to stay. you said lets go to bed.

i thought i told you i wasnt staying?

no.

oh, that was someone else, i guess. im sorry.

oh, we are going to play like that? you got me confused with someone else?

im kidding. look, its late, lets not do this. come, ill tuck you in.

i led him to the bed, and i pulled the covers over him.

youre upset, arent you? he asked.

no. if i were i upset, i wouldnt be kissing you.

i just shared something with you, thats all.

i know. and i appreciate it.

then why are you leaving?

because i have work to do.

why dont you stay and you can leave in the morning?

i wont leave.

yeah, you will. you always do. why would it be different tonite?

i have to go, okay?

just tell me the truth. and i wont ask you again.

i have work to do tomorrow.

its just not like you.

i know. listen, its just homework.

he got out from under the covers, and he turned me over. he lifted my skirt, and he put his cock in my pussy. he fucked me hard, painfully. it was amazing. when we were done, we were both breathing heavily, looking at each other, satiated.

that was the best, i said.

that was amazing.

the best.

are you sure?

dont ever question me. that was the best.

are you still leaving?

god, maybe once my legs recover.

i slept in. the next morning, he fucked me hard again, cumming in my ass. it was lovely.

i think im going to try with him. just throw caution to the wind. if it works, it works. if it doesnt, well, at least i tried.

and if igra gets his shit together, and if i get my shit together, id like to do the marriage talk with him in an upcoming search.

counselor

ive been fortunate in all of my jobs, especially in education. its luck, i know, and knowing the right person at the right time.

because ive been very blessed, i love helping others out. for instance, i knew that i would fight for gaya to have the position i vacated. it is really a great job because the students are so wonderful. i find myself missing them, and sometimes, secretly hoping to be with them again.

but now, im a counselor. and i love it. i hate the paperwork, and i feel boredom during my day, but thats because the students on my caseload arent on track yet.

once they come, i know it will be like something hit me, but it will be fun. i want to know my students. they are my first priority, not all this paperwork, and i want to see them during the school year. i will try to see at least 10 a day on my 304 student caseload.

okay, so, theres been some flirting going on with one of the teachers. i dont even want to mention it because i dont want it to go any further than the flirtation. he seems like a playah, which im fine with because that way there wont be a chance for it to go further.

willal, if nothing else, has made me have some respect for myself because he respects me. i dont know what this is. we have some really great sex, but i feel he holds a lot back from me. he told me once no pressure, just time.

i know to him im somewhat of an enigma, and i havent really been the best in terms of communication and such. but that might change.

dragging it out

i wont play this cat and mouse game. i wont turn this into a circus.

im done. i need to stay away from him. he doesnt deserve this.

if it were another time and place, it would be good, but now, i want more. im at a crossroads. school is ending. new position has just started. things are great. the missing piece is a man. and i want him now.

the past seven months have been great, but its not working out for me. and im not going to ask him to be something he isnt. and im not going to make this into something that will never satisfy me.

so, im going to do nothing gallantly.

twenty eight

he turned that yesterday so i had two margaritas for him. he wouldve appreciated that, i assume, had he known wherever he is right now.

i cant imagine what he looks like currently. i always found him so breathtaking with short hair, but towards the end, he kept it long the way it had been before he met me. i suppose he was preparing again for a life without me.

i miss him. i always seem to miss him as of late, needing to feel his breath on my shoulders, needing to hear him call my name, needing to taste his kiss in the middle of the night.

hes gone. he wont be coming back despite my fears of and his promises to come back to me someday. the boy is a romantic, and he made me believe that love really can last forever...or at least until he met someone.

i lurk at her sight sometimes. frankly, she creeps me out, not just by her grotesque face but mostly with her scary, evil attitude. she loves him, she really does, for which im grateful. and he loves her, for which im glad. and because hes all set in that way, hes no longer mine.

the process of letting go is painstakingly difficult and laborous. i find that in all of my previous long term relationships, we couldnt let go right away. when he left, we still found the energy to fight and have phone sex and make plans. this continued for a year.

the most horrible time was when i found out he was taking with someone else other than me. i was hurt, and i cried and yelled at him and told him to never call me again. he did, of course, after many times of hanging up on him.

he was truly sorry, but the ice over my heart began to get thicker. i could no longer find the strength to forgive him, and my head was tired of fantasizing of how things could have gone differently. i couldnt reconcile how much i loved and hated him all at once.

but i do love him. still. always, i imagine. if not love, at least have fond memories of him. i wonder if my heart will forget the pain of his drinking, of my anger, of my love.

i promised myself not to compare him to another. so far, ive kept to it.

growing ovaries

im going to see him tonite. its been two weeks, and im going to see him.

i want to talk to him about his claim that ive been distancing myself.

i have been keeping my space. its all a matter of will, just to prove myself that i can do it, that im not under his spell. ive broken myself out of that. he knows it. i know it.

i dont want to waste his time or my time. i know that this will never move past the stage it is now, where its mostly fucking with such little talk, but im going to try something different.

im going to lay out my cards. fuck being scared of hurting his feelings. fuck being scared of getting hurt. he has to know. and then i will walk away.

thats me growing ovaries.

two days ago

the healing began. this has been the longest since weve seen each other, and although its a bit hard, im glad im in the healing phase.

there were things that werent said, moments that werent taken advantage of, needs that werent met.

nevertheless, it was a great ride. for as long as it lasted, it was a fun time.

sometimes, second isnt too bad

i had a great day today. i love my job, i love my life, i love what has been given to me.

i felt like a counselor, and i even translated a meeting from english to spanish. it was awesome.

now, im hungry. hungry for a touch from someone incredibly hot and sexy. i want d. i want his tongue in me, on me, tasting what he does to me. i need that right now. my reward for a job done as best as i can.

its easy to do my best when im fresh. i love this part. i love the learning, the slowness, the actual thinking about methods and deliveries rather than automaticity. i love the feeling of being a bit insecure yet secure in feeling that i can do it.

i cant imagine being a teacher for the rest of my life, but i know that the last ten years have prepared me emotionally and psychologically and experientially for this phase of my career. its lovely to know that i may be new to the position, but the position is something ive been training for for the last decade.

even class at thousand oaks was great. we did some role playing, and i wish she would ask for our opinion and what we would do rather than presuming that she knows better. she does, but still, part of the learning is being daring enough to be wrong.

fuck, i need sex. i told willal that im going to be celibate. its easy to be so when there is no cock in sight. and igra hasnt called. i have to remind myself of how surreal it was to have been kissing him. i had igra the way i wanted him two years ago, but now, its too late.

tomorrow i have a meeting at a local community college. i cant wait. and next week, i have a meeting at usc. i love being out of the classroom.

im all over the place tonite. fatigue is slowly creeping in.

and one more thing...

where the hell is d when i need him?

could it be over for good?

not that it ever started, but the emails were so hot, surely, there would be hot action following it, no?

if not him, then luro. ive missed luro.

day first

i kind of like waking up early now, only if i get to bed at a decent time. tomorrow night, i have class at fucking thousand oaks, and im sick of it. i dont like the class, i dont like the instructor, i dont like the people, i dont like the drive, i dont like anything about it.

but today was nice. it was really a do-nothing day, but all in all, such nice people. nice students. nice. i have a tiny room, but its all mine, and i dont have to make small talk. that in itself is so draining.

i miss willal. i miss his hands. i miss his kisses. but things werent going to work out, so who cares? i do. it sucks. ive tried to just keep him out of my mind, but even in my fatigue, he buries himself in the tiny pathways of my brain.

i wish things were different, that they turned out differently. not that i would want him to be in my life in a capacity other than my favorite sweet fuck buddy, then after, a friend. his situation is just so draining that i dont know what to do in cases where his son and his exwife are involved.

im tired. it has been a long day, with the next two days promising to be grueling and taxing. im not a spring chicken anymore, but soon, it will be all over.

paradoxes and contradictions

it all started when i was in college, naive about my sexuality, always scared to be bold and daring, unable to ask for what i want so i never received it.

of course, thats how i was. i was still in my discovery period of who i was to become, my full potential of the kind of lover i want to be yet to be realized even today.

i met a man, only in age because he was slightly a few years older but none the wiser (who is wise at 27 anyway?). i kept him at a distance because he was so much in control it seemed that i didnt want to lose myself to him.

nothing ever happened between us because of that, but he did tell me once that i was either or, and not the middle of the road.

what the fuck that meant then, i dont remember, but i do remember the thrill of being analyzed like that. i spent days trying to figure out what he meant, what he wanted to say, what he thought of me. by the end of the third day, i didnt care anymore for him or for his estimation.

but what he said has always travelled around in my mind, especially when faced with somewhat challenging situations. i always thought of myself as a contradiction.

contradictions cancel each other out. yes or no. this or that. north or south. east or west. one or the other.

but instead, i realize today that i am a paradox. this trueness came from the monsignor during his sermon. paradoxes complement, are in communion, and can be housed together under one temple.

sometimes, inspiration propel me to the next level.

he ran the marathon today without training. what an accomplishment. or stupidity.

from the place of "i"

another session with sanva. it was awesome. im actually beginning to feel ready to work through my issues. today was communication.

when willal told me to grow some balls and tell him what was on my mind, i told him that it had nothing to do with balls. little did i know i was right.

it has everything to do with ovaries. yup. thats what sanva said.

she said that for women, life comes from the ovaries, and for men, life comes from their balls. she told me to give myself life, and while it seems i want to, when i actually do, i abort it.

so true.

i know what i want. i know im not getting what i want from anyone in my life right now. i know that i have to heal from the exbf. i know that my friend looks so fucking hot, but he is a fucking pussy. and i know that i need to just be.

i need to just be.

ive got to cut off people for awhile. just have to take a break from everyone and everything. and then when im ready, ill go ahead and slowly reintroduce people into my life.

slowly.

i hope i meet some good people at this new job. i hope to make good friends.

monday seems too far away, and yet, frighteningly close.

being ready

its time to bid adieu to some of the things from my past in the hopes that the future will bring about more, better, lovelier.

in order to prepare myself for good tidings, ive decided to let people go. willal, calo, and the self i was when i was with them.

i see my exhusband today when i go to the district office, and we get breakfast. actually, he buys coffee and cheese omelet for me and coffee for him. i tell him about my personal and professional life.

at the end, he says, honey, you shouldnt see them anymore.

youre right. i know this.

its just that youre on a different level now. you look better. the last time i saw you, you were tired and a few pounds heavier, and now you look great.

thank you. i try. i dont want to be stressed out and look old.

you havent changed a bit since we were at ford.

thank you. really?

yeah. you like the thrill and excitement, dont you?

yes, i do.

it isnt about sex, is it? its about the danger.

yes.

but honey, its time to grow up. to change your pattern.

i know. ive given them up. i promise. but i do want to still be friends with willal. theres a connection between us. ill let it run its course.

okay. but remember what we talked about.

i will. i need to see you more often, to hang out.

we will. towards the end of next month, mikpe is going out of town. come over then.

i will. i want to hang out with you. ive missed you.

okay, honey. be good.

i leave him, not knowing when ill see him again, but feeling so good. he and i have shared a history, memories, laughter. i need this again.

and its sad, but its true. its done with willal. i love the man very much, but in the end, we are just two people who got together but cant stay together.

parallel lives.