reflections and new year promises
i am still on a high, realizing that i fulfilled last years resolutions. im ready to begin new ones, although on good morning america, i think they dont refer to them as resolutions. i forget what they are called, so im calling mine promises.
before continuing, a reflection on the past year. time is a priceless commodity in my life, and i squabbled it away. i know it is a way to heal from the heartbreak of a loss, but this is an unhealthy way of dealing with it. money, in the first half of the year, is scarce, but in the second half, it becomes good. friendships grow stronger, even though they are challenging to maintain. i dont spend time with family much, and this needs to be corrected. illnesses plague me and my mother, but everyone else, thank the good Lord, remains healthy. and the last four months bring me a special person.
i have so much to be thankful for, and everyday, i rejoice at the blessings of my life. i have a child who is a healthy and normal teen, complete with a smart mouth and mood swings, but is also loving still and determined in school.
i have a car and a home; both have to be cleaned. i have a camera that allows me happiness when taking photos and then again when giving pictures away as gifts. i have a cell phone that allows me contact and communication with loved ones and not-so-loved ones.
i have family who through hard times and good remain family still. i have friends, lovers, acquiantances who have contributed to the richness of my life.
but most of all, i have faith. i have a deep and resounding love for God, and i have the wonderful ability to pray and worship whenever and wherever i want to. i am learning the power of agape, the power of forgiveness, and the power of acceptance. i am the recipient of unconditional love.
so 2007 will be the best year yet. i know this, i feel this. willal tells me yesterday in an email about how his ancestors saw things in the air. he senses that the winds of change will bring extraordinary things.
with this, i need to be prepared. i need to make promises to myself, for myself. i want to implement them in my life so that i will constantly better and stronger.
i promise to take care of myself. i will not punish myself anymore with unnecessary stress, meaning no more procrastination, prolonged feelings of anger and frustration, learning to say no without explanation or excuses. i will be more organized and determined. i will go to the gym, eat more fruits and vegetables, and choose what goes in my mouth more wisely. i will buy a bike for me and the boy, and we will ride the rose bowl at least once a week.
i promise to be bolder and take more risks. i will have an art show for one month, and whether or not something sells, i dont care as long as it is up on walls. i will be more open with my thoughts and feelings to those who are close to me. if i get hurt or disappointed, at least i will have done what i wanted rather than hide behind a veil of fear.
i promise to continue the pursuit of accumulation, awareness, and assertion. i will make more money and budget it. i will keep going to therapy. i will be more aware of my who i am in terms of this world. and i will always help those who are in need. always.
i promise to let go and let God. i am not in charge here. i will turn to Him when things get rough, always remember to pray in gratitude and for help rather than try to do things alone. He has never disappointed me. all prayers, no matter how big or how small, are answered in ways that are best for us.
and in 2007, i pray for love, for success, for peace, for continued graces and blessing from the Lord. i pray that my family and friends have health and are safe from danger.
and i thank God for all that i have and all that i will be getting.
Sunday, December 31, 2006
a nice ending
friday afternoon while i am at the mall with the kids, the phone warns restricted, and i think it might be my sister, but i answer it anyway.
maria?
yes?
do you know who this is?
i think so. i hoped it was you.
how are you?
i dont know. im frazzled, i guess, a bit. im at the mall with the kids. how are you?
im good. did you get my email?
no.
it explains a lot. im at home now, and i didnt think i would have my son tonite, but he wants to stay with daddy. i wanted to see you.
me, too.
tomorrow im free.
you dont want to see me tomorrow?
yes, i do. but i wanted to see you tonite. its been a stressful week.
i know, baby.
we talk for awhile longer, and i take the kids home. i am exhausted. i dislike the mall, and tonite is no different.
saturday night, i go to his place. i get my fucking period early, two days in fact, and i note that the early onset has been happening every month now.
he kisses me sweetly, and i am taken aback. hes usually not this affectionate, but lately, hes been more so. i tell him that i might not stay, and he asks me why, concerned about an imaginary other. i explain why, and he admonishes me.
time with him last night is intense. sometimes, when i walk away to clean up, i return and find him in a state of trying to regain his composure. last night is no different.
things with him are becoming comfortable, easy. this morning, after another intensely amazing orgasm, i drag him out of bed to go to lunch. this is a first for us. time is a factor when we get together. the need to hold and devour each other often wins out over eating or doing anything outside the loft.
perhaps it is time that is bringing us closer or the situation he finds himself in. i can only give him support and encouragement. he has to go through this alone.
we go to marias kitchen today, a place the exbf loved the first and only time we go there. we laugh and talk, and i hear him repeating certain words that are key to his nature. he uses the word respect a lot. how much he respects me and my opinion, and how much he respects me so he doesnt or does something.
it is difficult to be next to each other without groping or kissing or rubbing. i hope that the new year will bless this between us. whenever we are ready to open up more, which i think is happening, it will be even better.
friday afternoon while i am at the mall with the kids, the phone warns restricted, and i think it might be my sister, but i answer it anyway.
maria?
yes?
do you know who this is?
i think so. i hoped it was you.
how are you?
i dont know. im frazzled, i guess, a bit. im at the mall with the kids. how are you?
im good. did you get my email?
no.
it explains a lot. im at home now, and i didnt think i would have my son tonite, but he wants to stay with daddy. i wanted to see you.
me, too.
tomorrow im free.
you dont want to see me tomorrow?
yes, i do. but i wanted to see you tonite. its been a stressful week.
i know, baby.
we talk for awhile longer, and i take the kids home. i am exhausted. i dislike the mall, and tonite is no different.
saturday night, i go to his place. i get my fucking period early, two days in fact, and i note that the early onset has been happening every month now.
he kisses me sweetly, and i am taken aback. hes usually not this affectionate, but lately, hes been more so. i tell him that i might not stay, and he asks me why, concerned about an imaginary other. i explain why, and he admonishes me.
time with him last night is intense. sometimes, when i walk away to clean up, i return and find him in a state of trying to regain his composure. last night is no different.
things with him are becoming comfortable, easy. this morning, after another intensely amazing orgasm, i drag him out of bed to go to lunch. this is a first for us. time is a factor when we get together. the need to hold and devour each other often wins out over eating or doing anything outside the loft.
perhaps it is time that is bringing us closer or the situation he finds himself in. i can only give him support and encouragement. he has to go through this alone.
we go to marias kitchen today, a place the exbf loved the first and only time we go there. we laugh and talk, and i hear him repeating certain words that are key to his nature. he uses the word respect a lot. how much he respects me and my opinion, and how much he respects me so he doesnt or does something.
it is difficult to be next to each other without groping or kissing or rubbing. i hope that the new year will bless this between us. whenever we are ready to open up more, which i think is happening, it will be even better.
Saturday, December 30, 2006
aaaaahhhhhhh
cccchhhhhhoooooooo. excuse me. i need another tissue.
im freezing, and its so early in the morning, but i cannot sleep. hung out with roca and addi, smoking and drinking and laughing and talking.
ive made a decision. i want to get married and perhaps, if it is Gods will, have another child. i have no confidence in my abilities to take care of a newborn, though. my mother is the one responsible for my child until he was about 2 years old because i am busy with school and work, but the truth is, i have no taste for infants.
i love kids when they are about 3 years old. they are so adorable and fun. lately, ive been feeling the empty nest syndrome, even though the boy is only 13. he withdraws to his room, shuts the door, and i am lonely. hes made an effort to spend time with me, upon request, but he is growing up, and hes interested in a girl.
its all rather cute, the way his affection for another is unfolding before my eyes. its all very innocent, and he isnt obsessed with her yet. ive warned him that i dont want his grades suffering because of this infatuation, especially because hes worked so hard to improve and best himself.
the boy is wise beyond his years, and i love him so much. hes using words like alpha dog and sentences like mom, wives and mother-in-laws never get along because mothers dont want to let their sons go.
i combat this with, you know im a cool mother, and im good with people. bring someone home that is quality, and we wont have a problem.
i know. she has to be respectable and intelligent. beautiful on the outside and in. respectful.
yes. its hard to find people with all those qualities. thats why we dont marry the first one we meet.
shes the ideal girl for me.
yes, but remember, there is always high school and college. we change, so our wants and needs change. you want to be with someone who will change with you and grow with you.
im not going to get married now.
damn right. okay, so i dont utter these two words, but he knows its on my tongue.
today is wonderful. i spend money on presents for people i havent seen yet during the holidays. i slack off this year, but next year, i will be better.
im so excited for the new year to begin. but as a great man reminds me, a new day, a new beginning.
why wait for a full year to start over when i can just wait a few hours until daybreak?
cccchhhhhhoooooooo. excuse me. i need another tissue.
im freezing, and its so early in the morning, but i cannot sleep. hung out with roca and addi, smoking and drinking and laughing and talking.
ive made a decision. i want to get married and perhaps, if it is Gods will, have another child. i have no confidence in my abilities to take care of a newborn, though. my mother is the one responsible for my child until he was about 2 years old because i am busy with school and work, but the truth is, i have no taste for infants.
i love kids when they are about 3 years old. they are so adorable and fun. lately, ive been feeling the empty nest syndrome, even though the boy is only 13. he withdraws to his room, shuts the door, and i am lonely. hes made an effort to spend time with me, upon request, but he is growing up, and hes interested in a girl.
its all rather cute, the way his affection for another is unfolding before my eyes. its all very innocent, and he isnt obsessed with her yet. ive warned him that i dont want his grades suffering because of this infatuation, especially because hes worked so hard to improve and best himself.
the boy is wise beyond his years, and i love him so much. hes using words like alpha dog and sentences like mom, wives and mother-in-laws never get along because mothers dont want to let their sons go.
i combat this with, you know im a cool mother, and im good with people. bring someone home that is quality, and we wont have a problem.
i know. she has to be respectable and intelligent. beautiful on the outside and in. respectful.
yes. its hard to find people with all those qualities. thats why we dont marry the first one we meet.
shes the ideal girl for me.
yes, but remember, there is always high school and college. we change, so our wants and needs change. you want to be with someone who will change with you and grow with you.
im not going to get married now.
damn right. okay, so i dont utter these two words, but he knows its on my tongue.
today is wonderful. i spend money on presents for people i havent seen yet during the holidays. i slack off this year, but next year, i will be better.
im so excited for the new year to begin. but as a great man reminds me, a new day, a new beginning.
why wait for a full year to start over when i can just wait a few hours until daybreak?
Wednesday, December 27, 2006
now
right at this moment, everything is fine. it isnt perfect, but this is what i have:
-a home that has peace finally.
-a child who is enjoying his christmas present, even if it is a day late.
-a car that still runs after 10 years and is still one of the greatest loves of my life.
-a camera that fits perfectly in my hands and asks nothing in return.
-hope in my heart that next year will be better than this year in terms of love, money, and health.
-family that fights but loves each other in the end.
-friends that i hope understand that i need this time to cleanse, to regroup, and to be alone.
and today, i do not feel as down as i do yesterday. i think its getting out of the house and being around positive energy. i hate hospitals, but i get to see my nieces today when we visit my mom.
i know what is missing in my life. i know why it is missing, why i havent allowed it in. i also know that it is time to welcome it, to prove myself worthy of it.
and in time, it will come again. it will find me, or i will find it, and it will be well.
soon, i pray. but i know it cant be rushed. so i will wait.
right at this moment, everything is fine. it isnt perfect, but this is what i have:
-a home that has peace finally.
-a child who is enjoying his christmas present, even if it is a day late.
-a car that still runs after 10 years and is still one of the greatest loves of my life.
-a camera that fits perfectly in my hands and asks nothing in return.
-hope in my heart that next year will be better than this year in terms of love, money, and health.
-family that fights but loves each other in the end.
-friends that i hope understand that i need this time to cleanse, to regroup, and to be alone.
and today, i do not feel as down as i do yesterday. i think its getting out of the house and being around positive energy. i hate hospitals, but i get to see my nieces today when we visit my mom.
i know what is missing in my life. i know why it is missing, why i havent allowed it in. i also know that it is time to welcome it, to prove myself worthy of it.
and in time, it will come again. it will find me, or i will find it, and it will be well.
soon, i pray. but i know it cant be rushed. so i will wait.
i hate hospitals
my mom is there right now, under observation for her ulcerative colitis. she is admitted yesterday, and today, she is given morphine. not a strong dose, but morphine nonetheless.
if this condition is exacerbated by stress, then i think she should do some herbal treatment. i casually mention this and offer it as a panacea for her ailment. she declined, ladylike, and said that i shouldnt be doing this stuff because i am an educator.
little does she know that i have to do this stuff because i AM an educator. many of my educator friends do it, and it isnt a big deal. why? because we dont abuse it, and we dont allow it to interfere with our work.
my mom gets weezy at the smell of beer, and smoke makes her gag. but perhaps a nice brownie would do the trick. maybe she can get a card for herbal medication? i have to ask her.
my mom is there right now, under observation for her ulcerative colitis. she is admitted yesterday, and today, she is given morphine. not a strong dose, but morphine nonetheless.
if this condition is exacerbated by stress, then i think she should do some herbal treatment. i casually mention this and offer it as a panacea for her ailment. she declined, ladylike, and said that i shouldnt be doing this stuff because i am an educator.
little does she know that i have to do this stuff because i AM an educator. many of my educator friends do it, and it isnt a big deal. why? because we dont abuse it, and we dont allow it to interfere with our work.
my mom gets weezy at the smell of beer, and smoke makes her gag. but perhaps a nice brownie would do the trick. maybe she can get a card for herbal medication? i have to ask her.
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
fourteen
thats how many voice mail messages i have yet to retrieve since last wednesday or so. im not in the jolliest of moods; in fact, im afraid ive submitted to the dreaded holiday blues.
im not quite sure why. life has been fair, except tonite, my mother is in the hospital because of her fucking colitis that has dehydrated her. yesterday, during the christmas festivities, she seemed weak and pale, and i hate that health issues are in this family.
i pray that i dont suffer another depressive episode. i dont know what is going on in my head. part of it is the need to feel love for and to feel loved by another. this year of all years has been challenging. being with someone i am not allowed to love because it will not be returned has turned me sour.
im also not a big fan of nsa sex. the thought of being with calo or d or anyone else just turns my stomach. ant hasnt called or messaged, for which im glad because i realize what sort of prick he can be. i think i made a promise to redcola to meet tomorrow night, but im not going to go through with it.
i havent talked to anyone outside of my family for the last two days. i go through periods where i turn off my phone, hole up in my house, and regroup.
ive thought of some of the changes i want to make in my life in 2007. the list is short, so hopefully, ill be able to integrate them in my life. its going to be a selfish year, meaning i cant neglect myself or put myself last anymore. it gets me into trouble.
and so, i will pass the last few days of this year reading, writing, and planning. i wont be turning to herbal meds like last year. i have to have all my wits about me as i prepare for the comps in february. i want to get rid of the blues that stay in my system.
i guess i miss exbf around this time of year. is that it? is that what makes me feel so down? i doubt it. its been two years now, and there are long stretches of time that i dont think of him. i do wish him well, hope that he is safe and happy, and pray that he finds love.
thats how many voice mail messages i have yet to retrieve since last wednesday or so. im not in the jolliest of moods; in fact, im afraid ive submitted to the dreaded holiday blues.
im not quite sure why. life has been fair, except tonite, my mother is in the hospital because of her fucking colitis that has dehydrated her. yesterday, during the christmas festivities, she seemed weak and pale, and i hate that health issues are in this family.
i pray that i dont suffer another depressive episode. i dont know what is going on in my head. part of it is the need to feel love for and to feel loved by another. this year of all years has been challenging. being with someone i am not allowed to love because it will not be returned has turned me sour.
im also not a big fan of nsa sex. the thought of being with calo or d or anyone else just turns my stomach. ant hasnt called or messaged, for which im glad because i realize what sort of prick he can be. i think i made a promise to redcola to meet tomorrow night, but im not going to go through with it.
i havent talked to anyone outside of my family for the last two days. i go through periods where i turn off my phone, hole up in my house, and regroup.
ive thought of some of the changes i want to make in my life in 2007. the list is short, so hopefully, ill be able to integrate them in my life. its going to be a selfish year, meaning i cant neglect myself or put myself last anymore. it gets me into trouble.
and so, i will pass the last few days of this year reading, writing, and planning. i wont be turning to herbal meds like last year. i have to have all my wits about me as i prepare for the comps in february. i want to get rid of the blues that stay in my system.
i guess i miss exbf around this time of year. is that it? is that what makes me feel so down? i doubt it. its been two years now, and there are long stretches of time that i dont think of him. i do wish him well, hope that he is safe and happy, and pray that he finds love.
Monday, December 25, 2006
in the still of christmas night
i do not know what it is that draws me to people, men in general, but i need to reevaluate what is in my heart.
i tell willal today that we have to stop this affair soon. i need to concentrate on comps, on my new job if i ever start it (this will be another post), on finding the one.
all is quiet now, and i feel so wonderfully at peace after midnight mass. bits and pieces of what happened earlier invade my mind, but one thing that truly stands out is that willal and his ex are spending christmas at his sisters.
for me, when its over, its over. i dont need to see that person again, or if i do, there has to be a distance. i cant imagine being with the boys father in a house for two days.
willal says its because she doesnt want to spend christmas without their son. i admire this, how they put the child before their own comfort. but i dont want to be a part of it, so im not going to be.
he is an extraordinary man. i hope he gets into the lea that he wants to work for. and that love finds him.
in the new year, i have to choose me.
i do not know what it is that draws me to people, men in general, but i need to reevaluate what is in my heart.
i tell willal today that we have to stop this affair soon. i need to concentrate on comps, on my new job if i ever start it (this will be another post), on finding the one.
all is quiet now, and i feel so wonderfully at peace after midnight mass. bits and pieces of what happened earlier invade my mind, but one thing that truly stands out is that willal and his ex are spending christmas at his sisters.
for me, when its over, its over. i dont need to see that person again, or if i do, there has to be a distance. i cant imagine being with the boys father in a house for two days.
willal says its because she doesnt want to spend christmas without their son. i admire this, how they put the child before their own comfort. but i dont want to be a part of it, so im not going to be.
he is an extraordinary man. i hope he gets into the lea that he wants to work for. and that love finds him.
in the new year, i have to choose me.
christmas wishes
for peace and love in the hearts of all men and women, for that peace and love to overcome hatred and war.
for health and safety for my friends and family, those who i know and those i have yet to meet.
for one love for me and matt, for him to come into our lives now as we are prepared to receive him.
for continued blessings and graces from God the Almighty, for His love and for the love of His Son, Jesus.
and for fortune, not so much monetary or materialistic, but for things that are priceless and immeasurable.
for lessons to be learned, for courage to go on even though the struggle is tiring.
for challenges to help us grow, for the horizon that will bring us happiness.
and for you all, wherever you are, that you may find happiness within and never have to live without.
for peace and love in the hearts of all men and women, for that peace and love to overcome hatred and war.
for health and safety for my friends and family, those who i know and those i have yet to meet.
for one love for me and matt, for him to come into our lives now as we are prepared to receive him.
for continued blessings and graces from God the Almighty, for His love and for the love of His Son, Jesus.
and for fortune, not so much monetary or materialistic, but for things that are priceless and immeasurable.
for lessons to be learned, for courage to go on even though the struggle is tiring.
for challenges to help us grow, for the horizon that will bring us happiness.
and for you all, wherever you are, that you may find happiness within and never have to live without.
Sunday, December 24, 2006
two in a row
it has become a pattern to spend christmas eve deliciously fucking a man then going to trader joes before heading home.
im off to cleanse myself from willal. i still smell him on my hands, taste him on my tongue, and feel his teeth sink into my top right shoulder.
midnight mass at st. joes.
this is my favorite part of the day.
merry christmas to all, and to all a good night.
it has become a pattern to spend christmas eve deliciously fucking a man then going to trader joes before heading home.
im off to cleanse myself from willal. i still smell him on my hands, taste him on my tongue, and feel his teeth sink into my top right shoulder.
midnight mass at st. joes.
this is my favorite part of the day.
merry christmas to all, and to all a good night.
Saturday, December 23, 2006
gin and answered prayers
life presents me with an expensive goodie last night. actually, it isnt life that is to blame; its my own stupidity. ive learned a valuable lesson, you see, for which i am grateful. now, i am prepared to shed that part of me.
its always best to concentrate in prayers answered, whatever the form, than to sit and rue. i know that prayers arent answered in conventional ways, at least not my prayers, but ive learned through time and pain and analyzing that in the end, i get what i want. or what i need.
last night, i pour myself a shot of gin and mask it with blue powerade. i discover this mix when i buy blue gatorade for willal, and i use it as part of my gin cocktail. it is delicious then. last night, it does the trick.
i call calo and talk to him for awhile, but i find that he gets on my nerves when im a bit tipsy, so when someone buzzes in on his line, i take the opportunity to hang up.
i finish my glass, and i begin to think. its not good to think when drunk (at this point, i can say im legally drunk), but its the time i can be honest with myself.
fact of the matter is that i have some measurable and reachable resolutions for the upcoming year. they are easy, fun, but i have to constantly remind myself of them.
thats the key. to infuse my resolutions in my life, to include them in my daily actions and interactions, to permit them to become a part of me. there are things i have to change in order to become the best me i can be.
last years resolutions have almost been fulfilled. the only thing missing is accumulation. next year, i definitely will accumulate and save and honor this.
resolved.
life presents me with an expensive goodie last night. actually, it isnt life that is to blame; its my own stupidity. ive learned a valuable lesson, you see, for which i am grateful. now, i am prepared to shed that part of me.
its always best to concentrate in prayers answered, whatever the form, than to sit and rue. i know that prayers arent answered in conventional ways, at least not my prayers, but ive learned through time and pain and analyzing that in the end, i get what i want. or what i need.
last night, i pour myself a shot of gin and mask it with blue powerade. i discover this mix when i buy blue gatorade for willal, and i use it as part of my gin cocktail. it is delicious then. last night, it does the trick.
i call calo and talk to him for awhile, but i find that he gets on my nerves when im a bit tipsy, so when someone buzzes in on his line, i take the opportunity to hang up.
i finish my glass, and i begin to think. its not good to think when drunk (at this point, i can say im legally drunk), but its the time i can be honest with myself.
fact of the matter is that i have some measurable and reachable resolutions for the upcoming year. they are easy, fun, but i have to constantly remind myself of them.
thats the key. to infuse my resolutions in my life, to include them in my daily actions and interactions, to permit them to become a part of me. there are things i have to change in order to become the best me i can be.
last years resolutions have almost been fulfilled. the only thing missing is accumulation. next year, i definitely will accumulate and save and honor this.
resolved.
Friday, December 22, 2006
sitting still and making good time
in the summer, i am confused by his presence in my life. its uncommon for me to allow someone in, and even more uncommon to like this person.
then, i create a distance, one that i know he will never get through. sadly, the more i get to know him, the more i wish i allowed him in, but its too late for that now.
sanva asks me why i cant change the rules to my game. the answer is simple: because i dont really see the point in doing so.
he is reserved now, quiet, distant. we dont talk, but we do kiss and hug and perhaps communicate in a level that goes deeper than words.
but i need to hear him speak. i want to know him, to know his thoughts, but i dont think its wise. i get pulled in by peoples stories, and i think for this one, i just need to stay on course.
need to sit still and make time.
dines yesterday tells loucre that he is my occasional fuck buddy. where once i thought of him as being so, i think its been proven that he is more than that. after all, in my world, fuck buddies dont last longer than a few sessions.
but what is he to me?
i go to him a lot for emotional support, and i sometimes feel guilty for doing so because he has his own life to deal with.
i share things with him that i dont with others, and it has become natural to open up.
i fuck him with my whole being, whether or not i want to.
and i leave him feeling more alone and confused, and wondering just what the hell he is to me.
in the summer, i am confused by his presence in my life. its uncommon for me to allow someone in, and even more uncommon to like this person.
then, i create a distance, one that i know he will never get through. sadly, the more i get to know him, the more i wish i allowed him in, but its too late for that now.
sanva asks me why i cant change the rules to my game. the answer is simple: because i dont really see the point in doing so.
he is reserved now, quiet, distant. we dont talk, but we do kiss and hug and perhaps communicate in a level that goes deeper than words.
but i need to hear him speak. i want to know him, to know his thoughts, but i dont think its wise. i get pulled in by peoples stories, and i think for this one, i just need to stay on course.
need to sit still and make time.
dines yesterday tells loucre that he is my occasional fuck buddy. where once i thought of him as being so, i think its been proven that he is more than that. after all, in my world, fuck buddies dont last longer than a few sessions.
but what is he to me?
i go to him a lot for emotional support, and i sometimes feel guilty for doing so because he has his own life to deal with.
i share things with him that i dont with others, and it has become natural to open up.
i fuck him with my whole being, whether or not i want to.
and i leave him feeling more alone and confused, and wondering just what the hell he is to me.
5:30 a.m.
i go to his place by 9:30 p.m., and seeing him is really good. he has an amazing body: tight, tanned, and smooth. he hugs me hello, followed by a kiss that sends me against my car. he leads me to his place. its so easy to laugh and talk with him.
he asks me if i want to watch tv. he sits on the bed, and i sit next to him. i dont know how it is that the night begins, but we dont end up watching any programs.
he finds my clit with his tongue, eating me in a way i hadnt been eaten in awhile. i want him to stay there longer, willing it with my mind, and he does. he slides a finger in me, making my body writhe and my mouth moan. he slides another one in, and i cum after a few pushes.
he tastes me, and i have to have him, but he isnt done yet. hes so amazing at this feat that i wonder why i dont let him do it the first time we are together.
he makes me cum again and again, each time more intense than the other. i do not know if i have it in me to fuck him or to taste him the way he does me, so i sit back and enjoy.
when he makes his way up to me, i take his lips, his tongue, his chin into my mouth to taste my juices. i love the way i smell on him, his scent mixed with my own.
fuck me, i whisper.
not yet.
come on. its been awhile. youve made me wait.
he teases my hole with his cock, probing but not entering. it is driving me mad, and the more i pull him closer, the farther away he gets. when he finally puts his cock in me, i meet him with my pussy.
we spend a long time fucking, moving, kissing. he watches me cum, and it turns me on even more. i love when he watches me. he gets a look in his eyes of softness that i dont normally see.
he says my name, whispers it, and turns me over. he is fucking me in this, my most favorite, position. i raise my ass to rub against his pelvis, feeling the roughness of his hair, and inching deeper into me.
he comes almost 45-minutes later, and i feel spent. he rubs my back, pressing at the most key areas, and he moves his hands on my ass.
i love your ass, he tells me. i feel embarassed. it isnt my best quality, although ive been working on it by doing the steps and the goddamned walking lunges.
he asks me to give him a massage, and he shows me how to do it. his ass is so fucking tight and muscular. his body is so smooth, making it easier to glide up and down his backside.
when i finish, he massages my inner thighs, carefully avoiding the areas that send me to orgasm. he is watching me, though, when he "accidentally" fingers my clit or rubs my lips a little too hard against each other.
he says he loves the sounds that i make, as if i were making them to entice him. im not. its actually involuntary, especially when someone is touching me here and here and oooohhh, there.
when he finishes, he lies down next to me, and we talk. i love this time most of all. he asks me about my experience of fucking for the first time, and i tell him that it was with a guy from my english class who was hot.
whats your definition of hot? he asks.
for me, it cant be just visually pleasing. there has to be more. something different that others may not possess.
do you think im hot?
yes.
why?
theres a sexiness about you i felt the first time i saw you. it was palpable how attracted i was to you.
what was it?
i dont even know. something about your demeanor was really friendly and fun. thats what i like. i am attracted to people like you. but you have a sexiness.
whats my sexiness?
its the way you move, the way you carry yourself.
you know, when i was massaging your glutes just now, the hair on my body stood up.
why?
because i love your energy. its so positive.
really?
yes.
not always, but you could feel that?
yes.
i move over him, and i make my way down from his neck to his chest. i find that his weak spot, his neck, sends him to fits of giggling. he and i wrestle when i try to kiss it again. we laugh, tossling and using muscles to best each other.
the rest of the night we spend fucking again, although not a marathon this time (i tell him i like it quick and dirty...so he makes sure it is). and then when i am about to leave, he says, time for bed.
uh, im going to go.
come here. he pulls me tight to his body.
okay, ill stay. but i dont normally. thats why i like it quick and dirty.
why?
so i could get the fuck out.
he nuzzles into me, a feeling that takes me by surprises and endears me the same. we fall asleep this way, except my mind doesnt let me rest.
*****
it isnt that i want him. i dont at all. he and i are too much alike. besides, this is just for fun.
i cant help but compare him to another that ive had in my life. this one is so close to me in nature, while the other one balances me.
the other one is closed off, and it makes me wonder why i go back. this one is open, but yet a distance still separates us.
the other one is white collar, while this one isnt.
the other one tries hard to be perfect; this one doesnt want to be.
i dont want to be with the other one, nor do i want to be with this one.
its time for me to start clean. ive been preparing myself for this. my feelings have changed. i can feel it. its dreadfully mechanical now sometimes, and i dont want it to be like that.
he deserves better.
as do i.
i go to his place by 9:30 p.m., and seeing him is really good. he has an amazing body: tight, tanned, and smooth. he hugs me hello, followed by a kiss that sends me against my car. he leads me to his place. its so easy to laugh and talk with him.
he asks me if i want to watch tv. he sits on the bed, and i sit next to him. i dont know how it is that the night begins, but we dont end up watching any programs.
he finds my clit with his tongue, eating me in a way i hadnt been eaten in awhile. i want him to stay there longer, willing it with my mind, and he does. he slides a finger in me, making my body writhe and my mouth moan. he slides another one in, and i cum after a few pushes.
he tastes me, and i have to have him, but he isnt done yet. hes so amazing at this feat that i wonder why i dont let him do it the first time we are together.
he makes me cum again and again, each time more intense than the other. i do not know if i have it in me to fuck him or to taste him the way he does me, so i sit back and enjoy.
when he makes his way up to me, i take his lips, his tongue, his chin into my mouth to taste my juices. i love the way i smell on him, his scent mixed with my own.
fuck me, i whisper.
not yet.
come on. its been awhile. youve made me wait.
he teases my hole with his cock, probing but not entering. it is driving me mad, and the more i pull him closer, the farther away he gets. when he finally puts his cock in me, i meet him with my pussy.
we spend a long time fucking, moving, kissing. he watches me cum, and it turns me on even more. i love when he watches me. he gets a look in his eyes of softness that i dont normally see.
he says my name, whispers it, and turns me over. he is fucking me in this, my most favorite, position. i raise my ass to rub against his pelvis, feeling the roughness of his hair, and inching deeper into me.
he comes almost 45-minutes later, and i feel spent. he rubs my back, pressing at the most key areas, and he moves his hands on my ass.
i love your ass, he tells me. i feel embarassed. it isnt my best quality, although ive been working on it by doing the steps and the goddamned walking lunges.
he asks me to give him a massage, and he shows me how to do it. his ass is so fucking tight and muscular. his body is so smooth, making it easier to glide up and down his backside.
when i finish, he massages my inner thighs, carefully avoiding the areas that send me to orgasm. he is watching me, though, when he "accidentally" fingers my clit or rubs my lips a little too hard against each other.
he says he loves the sounds that i make, as if i were making them to entice him. im not. its actually involuntary, especially when someone is touching me here and here and oooohhh, there.
when he finishes, he lies down next to me, and we talk. i love this time most of all. he asks me about my experience of fucking for the first time, and i tell him that it was with a guy from my english class who was hot.
whats your definition of hot? he asks.
for me, it cant be just visually pleasing. there has to be more. something different that others may not possess.
do you think im hot?
yes.
why?
theres a sexiness about you i felt the first time i saw you. it was palpable how attracted i was to you.
what was it?
i dont even know. something about your demeanor was really friendly and fun. thats what i like. i am attracted to people like you. but you have a sexiness.
whats my sexiness?
its the way you move, the way you carry yourself.
you know, when i was massaging your glutes just now, the hair on my body stood up.
why?
because i love your energy. its so positive.
really?
yes.
not always, but you could feel that?
yes.
i move over him, and i make my way down from his neck to his chest. i find that his weak spot, his neck, sends him to fits of giggling. he and i wrestle when i try to kiss it again. we laugh, tossling and using muscles to best each other.
the rest of the night we spend fucking again, although not a marathon this time (i tell him i like it quick and dirty...so he makes sure it is). and then when i am about to leave, he says, time for bed.
uh, im going to go.
come here. he pulls me tight to his body.
okay, ill stay. but i dont normally. thats why i like it quick and dirty.
why?
so i could get the fuck out.
he nuzzles into me, a feeling that takes me by surprises and endears me the same. we fall asleep this way, except my mind doesnt let me rest.
*****
it isnt that i want him. i dont at all. he and i are too much alike. besides, this is just for fun.
i cant help but compare him to another that ive had in my life. this one is so close to me in nature, while the other one balances me.
the other one is closed off, and it makes me wonder why i go back. this one is open, but yet a distance still separates us.
the other one is white collar, while this one isnt.
the other one tries hard to be perfect; this one doesnt want to be.
i dont want to be with the other one, nor do i want to be with this one.
its time for me to start clean. ive been preparing myself for this. my feelings have changed. i can feel it. its dreadfully mechanical now sometimes, and i dont want it to be like that.
he deserves better.
as do i.
the condition of my being
im being tested, being put through the fire, these last few days of 2006 in the year of our Lord. i have struggles, and im slowly going through each one, taking care of it with vigor. two things are still outstanding and need my care and attention, and im going to do it.
such is my life.
wednesday, he and i were supposed to meet, but i dont go over. i dont have this overwhelming desire to see him. you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. but he sends me sexy emails every now and again, and sometimes, im so tempted to fuck him. but its just not going to happen again. unfortunately. i have to cut that off. unfortunately.
yesterday, the girls and i go for a day trip. we talk during the two-hour trip to our destination and again on the grueling, traffic, hellish three-and-a-half-hour drive back. of course, the main topic surrounds boys, and i have to say that im almost ready to share my life again.
today, i find this, and i love how succint and direct the list is. im a list maker, if you havent figured out yet, which reminds me that i have to make my resolutions for the upcoming year.
things are good, the weather beautiful, health intact. but once in awhile, i go through some anxiety, and i feel like my walls are coming closer and closer. thats when i need to decompress and breathe.
breathe...
im being tested, being put through the fire, these last few days of 2006 in the year of our Lord. i have struggles, and im slowly going through each one, taking care of it with vigor. two things are still outstanding and need my care and attention, and im going to do it.
such is my life.
wednesday, he and i were supposed to meet, but i dont go over. i dont have this overwhelming desire to see him. you know what they say: out of sight, out of mind. but he sends me sexy emails every now and again, and sometimes, im so tempted to fuck him. but its just not going to happen again. unfortunately. i have to cut that off. unfortunately.
yesterday, the girls and i go for a day trip. we talk during the two-hour trip to our destination and again on the grueling, traffic, hellish three-and-a-half-hour drive back. of course, the main topic surrounds boys, and i have to say that im almost ready to share my life again.
today, i find this, and i love how succint and direct the list is. im a list maker, if you havent figured out yet, which reminds me that i have to make my resolutions for the upcoming year.
things are good, the weather beautiful, health intact. but once in awhile, i go through some anxiety, and i feel like my walls are coming closer and closer. thats when i need to decompress and breathe.
breathe...
Tuesday, December 19, 2006
knowing it
when you cannot see what is happening, do not stare harder. relax, and look gently with your inner eye.
-lao tzu
ive always known, since we met, always known that theres a clock somewhere counting down the minutes. perhaps this clock is internally mine, or it could be ominous in the universe, but nevertheless, i feel it.
i tell him last night that i feel a disconnection with him.
just tonite?
no, actually, the last two times ive been here, ive felt it. no, make it three. its been three times.
sounds like a pattern.
yup.
i dont pursue "the pattern" comment because i am upset. reeling over many things, but mostly, about me. we have a lovely time last night watching the pursuit of happyness. after, we stand in the street, under the lamp, hugging because its cold. we are both bundled up, and he is smoking and telling me of an incident he was involved in once, long ago.
after, he tells me of his plans for the night, and he asks if i want to come over. when we get to his place, his phone rings, and it is his exwife. he tells me this, he has nothing to hide, and i feel frozen.
it isnt jealousy i feel. not at all. i sit here trying to rationalize what it is exactly that runs through me when he mentions her (which he hardly does), trying to get to the minute feeling of what this is.
you see, i think hes a great person, and someday, he will make someone happy. again. and she wont hurt him, not the way he was hurt before. but i know that this person isnt me. i know this as well as i know my name. and ive come to accept it.
he admits hes closed off. i understand this. hes been hurt tremendously, knocked on his ass, and hes slowly trying to make his way up again. in terms of time, its only been a year and a half. this is recuperation, hardly recovery. no one gets over something deep in a year and a half.
lately, when im with him, i feel such a sense of sadness on his part, a feeling of heaviness that it affects me. im not made of this.
when you cannot see what is happening, do not stare harder. relax, and look gently with your inner eye.
-lao tzu
ive always known, since we met, always known that theres a clock somewhere counting down the minutes. perhaps this clock is internally mine, or it could be ominous in the universe, but nevertheless, i feel it.
i tell him last night that i feel a disconnection with him.
just tonite?
no, actually, the last two times ive been here, ive felt it. no, make it three. its been three times.
sounds like a pattern.
yup.
i dont pursue "the pattern" comment because i am upset. reeling over many things, but mostly, about me. we have a lovely time last night watching the pursuit of happyness. after, we stand in the street, under the lamp, hugging because its cold. we are both bundled up, and he is smoking and telling me of an incident he was involved in once, long ago.
after, he tells me of his plans for the night, and he asks if i want to come over. when we get to his place, his phone rings, and it is his exwife. he tells me this, he has nothing to hide, and i feel frozen.
it isnt jealousy i feel. not at all. i sit here trying to rationalize what it is exactly that runs through me when he mentions her (which he hardly does), trying to get to the minute feeling of what this is.
you see, i think hes a great person, and someday, he will make someone happy. again. and she wont hurt him, not the way he was hurt before. but i know that this person isnt me. i know this as well as i know my name. and ive come to accept it.
he admits hes closed off. i understand this. hes been hurt tremendously, knocked on his ass, and hes slowly trying to make his way up again. in terms of time, its only been a year and a half. this is recuperation, hardly recovery. no one gets over something deep in a year and a half.
lately, when im with him, i feel such a sense of sadness on his part, a feeling of heaviness that it affects me. im not made of this.
a quickie
this morning, willal and i have another very intense session before he goes to work, and i go to the gym. while i dont make it to the gym, being sore from two days of core exercises and also from wanting to spend time with willal, i stay and watch him prepare for his day.
when he is in the shower, i open the door and take his cock in my mouth. im clothed in my workout shirt and pants, water from the shower and his body dripping on me. he is taken, this i can tell, and i want him to be.
last night, we watch the pursuit of happyness, and when we get back to his loft, his exwife calls to give him an update of their son. whenever someone or something from our real lives comes into view, i freak out. its as if im awakened from a dream that seems lovely and warm.
i dont know if this will last long. i do know, though, that im in no rush to go anywhere. he is my first choice, despite others who try to come in to my life.
but a close second is calo. whenever i talk to him, i feel this feeling of being alive and fun and daring. i want him. tonite, we might watch apocalypto.
i have no guilt about this. i know who i choose. always and time and again, its always willal. when he isnt available, its me. and this time, i want calo.
this morning, willal and i have another very intense session before he goes to work, and i go to the gym. while i dont make it to the gym, being sore from two days of core exercises and also from wanting to spend time with willal, i stay and watch him prepare for his day.
when he is in the shower, i open the door and take his cock in my mouth. im clothed in my workout shirt and pants, water from the shower and his body dripping on me. he is taken, this i can tell, and i want him to be.
last night, we watch the pursuit of happyness, and when we get back to his loft, his exwife calls to give him an update of their son. whenever someone or something from our real lives comes into view, i freak out. its as if im awakened from a dream that seems lovely and warm.
i dont know if this will last long. i do know, though, that im in no rush to go anywhere. he is my first choice, despite others who try to come in to my life.
but a close second is calo. whenever i talk to him, i feel this feeling of being alive and fun and daring. i want him. tonite, we might watch apocalypto.
i have no guilt about this. i know who i choose. always and time and again, its always willal. when he isnt available, its me. and this time, i want calo.
Sunday, December 17, 2006
facing uncomfortableness
last wednesday, i gift valwa with a frame and a picture i take from my getty trip in october. i must admit, the presentation is perfect. this is without intention, the perfect part, that is. i wish i did it with intent, but once again, i am lucky with the choice i make.
the others in class say many wonderful things about the picture, and i think the general concensus is of awe and disbelief. i dont normally share my passion for photography, which means i dont share my photos, but i think it is time to do something about it.
i feel so alive when i am taking pictures, when i have that camera in my hand, when i am in this moment of trying to capture an image for posterity.
when i am taking pictures, i see things differently. i dont look at the whole picture, we capture that naturally with our eyes. rather, i snap away at the less ordinary to try to make them extraordinary.
i have a nikon n50. i bought it about 7 years ago for $250. it is beautiful. whenever i take it out, people always say im a professional, but that is not true. it is my dream, my deepest wish to be a photographer.
ive taken many pictures. to some, they are just that: images on print. to others, to me and those who have some creativity in their soul, they become a story.
so, one of my resolutions for next year is to have a show of 15-20 of my shots. i will enlarge them, frame them, hang them, and sell them.
dines says today that she will organize the event in terms of food, music, and drinks. i know a place already, the same place where roca has her show. i know who to invite, and i wish to see willal there with his little one. i know what series i want to do: reflections, the seven sins, love, passageways, and some architecture. im still unsure about the sins, but its been a thought of mine for a long time now.
i want to do this. i have to do this. although it makes me feel uncomfortable, reticent, and anxious, i am preparing myself to display my work. and even if i sell none, i will have done it. im sure ill sell at least one. i hope.
carfi says i should do this, and on thursday, my friend tells me that im the creative one.
i have to face my fears about my work. i have only positive feedback, and everyone knows how i take this personally and seriously. i want people to critique my work.
next year, for my birthday and graduation from my masters program, i will buy my nikon d50. i want to do it now, but i dont think i deserve it quite yet. i havent earned it. so, with the money i make from working on saturdays, i will purchase my d50. i will also buy lens and filters for it.
then i will have my show, hopefully, by april.
of course, all of you are invited.
last wednesday, i gift valwa with a frame and a picture i take from my getty trip in october. i must admit, the presentation is perfect. this is without intention, the perfect part, that is. i wish i did it with intent, but once again, i am lucky with the choice i make.
the others in class say many wonderful things about the picture, and i think the general concensus is of awe and disbelief. i dont normally share my passion for photography, which means i dont share my photos, but i think it is time to do something about it.
i feel so alive when i am taking pictures, when i have that camera in my hand, when i am in this moment of trying to capture an image for posterity.
when i am taking pictures, i see things differently. i dont look at the whole picture, we capture that naturally with our eyes. rather, i snap away at the less ordinary to try to make them extraordinary.
i have a nikon n50. i bought it about 7 years ago for $250. it is beautiful. whenever i take it out, people always say im a professional, but that is not true. it is my dream, my deepest wish to be a photographer.
ive taken many pictures. to some, they are just that: images on print. to others, to me and those who have some creativity in their soul, they become a story.
so, one of my resolutions for next year is to have a show of 15-20 of my shots. i will enlarge them, frame them, hang them, and sell them.
dines says today that she will organize the event in terms of food, music, and drinks. i know a place already, the same place where roca has her show. i know who to invite, and i wish to see willal there with his little one. i know what series i want to do: reflections, the seven sins, love, passageways, and some architecture. im still unsure about the sins, but its been a thought of mine for a long time now.
i want to do this. i have to do this. although it makes me feel uncomfortable, reticent, and anxious, i am preparing myself to display my work. and even if i sell none, i will have done it. im sure ill sell at least one. i hope.
carfi says i should do this, and on thursday, my friend tells me that im the creative one.
i have to face my fears about my work. i have only positive feedback, and everyone knows how i take this personally and seriously. i want people to critique my work.
next year, for my birthday and graduation from my masters program, i will buy my nikon d50. i want to do it now, but i dont think i deserve it quite yet. i havent earned it. so, with the money i make from working on saturdays, i will purchase my d50. i will also buy lens and filters for it.
then i will have my show, hopefully, by april.
of course, all of you are invited.
wishlist (first in a series)
in my new home, which i will purchase in a year or two, i require...
a safe neighborhood.
good high school.
a fireplace in the living room.
an area for a darkroom.
three bedrooms, two and a half baths.
a backyard or outdoor area for a firepit.
a two-car garage.
an open-floor plan.
track lighting.
central heat.
less than 2000 square feet.
close proximity to friends and family; work; matts school; target, ross, walmart, trader joes, costco, barnes and noble, borders, macys, gap; a good movie theatre, bar, coffee house, restaurant, photo development place.
and warmth created by the spirits of those who visit.
in my new home, which i will purchase in a year or two, i require...
a safe neighborhood.
good high school.
a fireplace in the living room.
an area for a darkroom.
three bedrooms, two and a half baths.
a backyard or outdoor area for a firepit.
a two-car garage.
an open-floor plan.
track lighting.
central heat.
less than 2000 square feet.
close proximity to friends and family; work; matts school; target, ross, walmart, trader joes, costco, barnes and noble, borders, macys, gap; a good movie theatre, bar, coffee house, restaurant, photo development place.
and warmth created by the spirits of those who visit.
12:42 a.m., the day after
i dont have much energy to post all that has happened, significant happenings, since thursday. i want to, i honestly do. i want to get it out of my head, to stop remembering and playing events in the theatre of my memory, but im so tired.
here is a preview: thursday, my friend and i smoked out and went to moca. friday, i went to a party, and my friend brought his scary estranged (and very strange) wife. school also ended that day. last night, i had a scary dream with luro and my friend.
and of course, there is willal. my darling willal, who has a special place in my heart. hes going through so much now, so much i dont know how to help. i have to learn to just sit next to him and hold his hand. be available to him.
i realize the other day just how blessed and fortunate i am. i dont have a big house, but i have a great place. i dont have the best car, but i have one that i am still in love with. i dont have many friends, but i have ones who love me. i dont have a lover, but i know how to love.
i want to be there for him, i honestly do, but there is a disconnect. hes going through some financial problems, and i wish i can do something, but i cant. hes got to do this himself.
we have a date to watch the pursuit of happyness sometime soon. i think we both need to relax, to destress, to just be. i suggest going for a drive, but time is always and will be an issue.
ive come to the acceptance that he and i are just two people coming together for now. there cant be a future. we are too different, on paths that wont cross.
this, i fear, is the story of my life.
i dont have much energy to post all that has happened, significant happenings, since thursday. i want to, i honestly do. i want to get it out of my head, to stop remembering and playing events in the theatre of my memory, but im so tired.
here is a preview: thursday, my friend and i smoked out and went to moca. friday, i went to a party, and my friend brought his scary estranged (and very strange) wife. school also ended that day. last night, i had a scary dream with luro and my friend.
and of course, there is willal. my darling willal, who has a special place in my heart. hes going through so much now, so much i dont know how to help. i have to learn to just sit next to him and hold his hand. be available to him.
i realize the other day just how blessed and fortunate i am. i dont have a big house, but i have a great place. i dont have the best car, but i have one that i am still in love with. i dont have many friends, but i have ones who love me. i dont have a lover, but i know how to love.
i want to be there for him, i honestly do, but there is a disconnect. hes going through some financial problems, and i wish i can do something, but i cant. hes got to do this himself.
we have a date to watch the pursuit of happyness sometime soon. i think we both need to relax, to destress, to just be. i suggest going for a drive, but time is always and will be an issue.
ive come to the acceptance that he and i are just two people coming together for now. there cant be a future. we are too different, on paths that wont cross.
this, i fear, is the story of my life.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
willals night
i dont remember when he tells me that he is being processed by a law enforcement agency [lea] to become one of their own. i do remember, however, saying these very words: i dont want to be with a person in an lea.
then that determines the future of this relationship.
no. you determined the future of this relationship when you said you werent ready.
i know im rash and crass about this between us, but tonight i learn a lesson. this man is a man with a strong character and integrity, and he does his best with what hes given. and next to him, i feel challenged to do the same.
he goes out tonight with the lea, and he calls me after on his way home. realize the significance of this. he hardly ever calls me. we communicate mostly via text message, or i call him, but he hardly phones. this has been a problem for me, one that ive kept hidden from him, stewing about it, and mentioning it to calo in passing.
however, on his way home, he calls, and i hear in his voice the excitement of his night, and i know that he is taken. he is seduced by the glamour and power, and i am happy for him. i know he isnt one to be rash or crass, especially not about this.
he is logical, analytical...in everything...which sometimes drives me crazy. but this is who he is, and i have to respect him.
gaya helps me realize things today. the golden rule, for one. and the other golden rule, from the eastern perspective: dont do unto others what you dont want done unto you.
karma. im going to change and grow in this relationship with willal. i have to. even if this does not end in happily ever after, i have to change and grow.
im going to give him time and space, not because it is getting too snug, but because i dont want it to become that ever. i trust him. i trust him, and i want him to trust me.
i love the lines in 1 corinthians 3, 8: i would gain nothing unless i loved others and love never fails.
its time for me to learn this. and there is not other way to learn except to go through it, through all the joys and miseries.
he tells me his son is waiting for him at his loft, his exwife keeping watch until he gets home. a part of my heart breaks at this, but he says if she didnt stay, he wouldnt have gone out tonight. im glad they have a good relationship when it comes to the boy. but still, a jealous little thread is pulled.
this is something i have to deal with, on my own, because this is my problem. not his. not the boys. mine. and i have to be rational. he wont sleep with her, he told me before it wasnt his style. but if he does, if he does ever, then ill deal with it then.
i dont remember when he tells me that he is being processed by a law enforcement agency [lea] to become one of their own. i do remember, however, saying these very words: i dont want to be with a person in an lea.
then that determines the future of this relationship.
no. you determined the future of this relationship when you said you werent ready.
i know im rash and crass about this between us, but tonight i learn a lesson. this man is a man with a strong character and integrity, and he does his best with what hes given. and next to him, i feel challenged to do the same.
he goes out tonight with the lea, and he calls me after on his way home. realize the significance of this. he hardly ever calls me. we communicate mostly via text message, or i call him, but he hardly phones. this has been a problem for me, one that ive kept hidden from him, stewing about it, and mentioning it to calo in passing.
however, on his way home, he calls, and i hear in his voice the excitement of his night, and i know that he is taken. he is seduced by the glamour and power, and i am happy for him. i know he isnt one to be rash or crass, especially not about this.
he is logical, analytical...in everything...which sometimes drives me crazy. but this is who he is, and i have to respect him.
gaya helps me realize things today. the golden rule, for one. and the other golden rule, from the eastern perspective: dont do unto others what you dont want done unto you.
karma. im going to change and grow in this relationship with willal. i have to. even if this does not end in happily ever after, i have to change and grow.
im going to give him time and space, not because it is getting too snug, but because i dont want it to become that ever. i trust him. i trust him, and i want him to trust me.
i love the lines in 1 corinthians 3, 8: i would gain nothing unless i loved others and love never fails.
its time for me to learn this. and there is not other way to learn except to go through it, through all the joys and miseries.
he tells me his son is waiting for him at his loft, his exwife keeping watch until he gets home. a part of my heart breaks at this, but he says if she didnt stay, he wouldnt have gone out tonight. im glad they have a good relationship when it comes to the boy. but still, a jealous little thread is pulled.
this is something i have to deal with, on my own, because this is my problem. not his. not the boys. mine. and i have to be rational. he wont sleep with her, he told me before it wasnt his style. but if he does, if he does ever, then ill deal with it then.
Monday, December 11, 2006
saying goodbye and staying strong
ive been to both of my grandfathers funerals, giving eulogies for each one because it is my duty - as the eldest grandchild - to deliver words that will hopefully be remembered by those who did not spend as much time with them.
my paternal grandfather died earlier this year. i did not know him well, but i do my best to write down some thoughts from the memories of a 20-year-old. i get to the podium, and i say things i cannot recall now. there are times when i am not cognizant of how i go from one place to another.
autopilot. desensitized. sin permiso a sentir.
one thing that sticks with me from my session is what sanva tells me. she says, if you dont allow yourself hurt and disappointment, you will never see that you can withstand them.
i know all about these two fiends. they are my comfort and my joy, my fear and my enemy. i know i can survive them. i have before, and i will again.
so, i open up a can of worms today with willal. he thinks im ready for something more with him. ill admit that ive thought about it in the past, but there is always a stop. i cant think past the complications ahead, like having to deal with his issues of child and exwife for starters.
this is my bed, and im going to lie in it. i see him again last night. we fucked silently, no words, no sentiments, and he cums feeling confused. i get up to leave after, thinking, why should i stay?
he questions me, looks at me with skepticism, and wonders out loud, whats going on? tell me.
nothing. i have to go to work to do some stuff, and its getting late.
who will be at work?
custodians. and i have to get up early tomorrow.
now, thats bullshit.
what? i have to do my paper. ive never lied to you before, why would i start now?
i can buy you leaving to do work, but getting up early? thats too much.
what do you mean?
why cant you do it here?
i dont want to disturb you.
bullshit. youve walked around, had the lights on, made noises before, and they never woke me. when i knock out, i knock out.
after negotiating and kissing and holding and looking at each other, i stay.
take off your clothes, and get under the covers with me, he says.
i do as he commands, stripping off my jeans, my shirt, my scarf, and my jacket. i slink in next to him, and he grabs me. he kisses me hard, all over, making marks, when i pull away and admonish, no marks.
why?
just no marks.
tell me why not.
students see, and they ask questions, so i have to lie to them.
you were never bothered before.
dont mark me.
he turns me on my stomach, and he enters me this way, and he finds my shoulder and bites. i cry out of pain and surprise, and i move away while he fucks me.
why not?
because i dont want to be marked by you anymore.
why?
he bites me again, a tiny one, and he doesnt let go even as i push his head away. i submit to him, knowing that despite my protests, he wont stop.
the fucking and the pain and the intensity lead us to both cumming at the same time. he holds me as i shake from the extreme pleasure, and i feel his heart trying to escape from his body with its thump thump thump against my back.
you okay, baby?
yes, i tell him, making myself believe it. this fucking intensity, this amazing sexual encounter...this is how it is with us. four months of grand sex, fucking fucking fucking.
but he isnt ready. he assumes i want something with him, and he tells me he isnt ready. yet, he pulls me close, and i wonder to myself what does he want of me?
if its pure sex, i dont stay. i dont have to. i come for cum, and when i get off, i leave. but with him, its different. its a union, as i told him yesterday in a letter, of spirit and body. its a connection that belie explanation, and i wont try to figure it out. i dont have to.
i want his heart. for what? i dont know. not for keeps. just for reward, for compensation. and when i get it, ill be done.
ive been to both of my grandfathers funerals, giving eulogies for each one because it is my duty - as the eldest grandchild - to deliver words that will hopefully be remembered by those who did not spend as much time with them.
my paternal grandfather died earlier this year. i did not know him well, but i do my best to write down some thoughts from the memories of a 20-year-old. i get to the podium, and i say things i cannot recall now. there are times when i am not cognizant of how i go from one place to another.
autopilot. desensitized. sin permiso a sentir.
one thing that sticks with me from my session is what sanva tells me. she says, if you dont allow yourself hurt and disappointment, you will never see that you can withstand them.
i know all about these two fiends. they are my comfort and my joy, my fear and my enemy. i know i can survive them. i have before, and i will again.
so, i open up a can of worms today with willal. he thinks im ready for something more with him. ill admit that ive thought about it in the past, but there is always a stop. i cant think past the complications ahead, like having to deal with his issues of child and exwife for starters.
this is my bed, and im going to lie in it. i see him again last night. we fucked silently, no words, no sentiments, and he cums feeling confused. i get up to leave after, thinking, why should i stay?
he questions me, looks at me with skepticism, and wonders out loud, whats going on? tell me.
nothing. i have to go to work to do some stuff, and its getting late.
who will be at work?
custodians. and i have to get up early tomorrow.
now, thats bullshit.
what? i have to do my paper. ive never lied to you before, why would i start now?
i can buy you leaving to do work, but getting up early? thats too much.
what do you mean?
why cant you do it here?
i dont want to disturb you.
bullshit. youve walked around, had the lights on, made noises before, and they never woke me. when i knock out, i knock out.
after negotiating and kissing and holding and looking at each other, i stay.
take off your clothes, and get under the covers with me, he says.
i do as he commands, stripping off my jeans, my shirt, my scarf, and my jacket. i slink in next to him, and he grabs me. he kisses me hard, all over, making marks, when i pull away and admonish, no marks.
why?
just no marks.
tell me why not.
students see, and they ask questions, so i have to lie to them.
you were never bothered before.
dont mark me.
he turns me on my stomach, and he enters me this way, and he finds my shoulder and bites. i cry out of pain and surprise, and i move away while he fucks me.
why not?
because i dont want to be marked by you anymore.
why?
he bites me again, a tiny one, and he doesnt let go even as i push his head away. i submit to him, knowing that despite my protests, he wont stop.
the fucking and the pain and the intensity lead us to both cumming at the same time. he holds me as i shake from the extreme pleasure, and i feel his heart trying to escape from his body with its thump thump thump against my back.
you okay, baby?
yes, i tell him, making myself believe it. this fucking intensity, this amazing sexual encounter...this is how it is with us. four months of grand sex, fucking fucking fucking.
but he isnt ready. he assumes i want something with him, and he tells me he isnt ready. yet, he pulls me close, and i wonder to myself what does he want of me?
if its pure sex, i dont stay. i dont have to. i come for cum, and when i get off, i leave. but with him, its different. its a union, as i told him yesterday in a letter, of spirit and body. its a connection that belie explanation, and i wont try to figure it out. i dont have to.
i want his heart. for what? i dont know. not for keeps. just for reward, for compensation. and when i get it, ill be done.
Sunday, December 10, 2006
sometimes
sometimes, i miss him. miss his stubble scratch my cheeks when he kisses me. miss the look in his eyes, the way they water as he tells me, i love you.
sometimes, i miss the way he smiles at me when he doesnt think i can see him from my peripheral vision. miss the chicken scratch of his penmanship on yellow-lined paper telling me to have a great day. miss his arms around me as he falls asleep.
sometimes, when the moon is full, i miss his talks of our future, promises that he will be the man i want, hopes that i will want him as much as he wants me.
sometimes, i miss the way he smells of cigarettes and beer, the feel of the crook of his arm that seemed perfect for my head, his voice as he read to me.
sometimes, when theres a chill in the air, i miss the way he looks in a black turtleneck and jeans, his ratty gray coat, and the pocketwatch i buy him for his birthday.
sometimes, as i fall asleep in unfamiliar surroundings, i miss how my voice sounds at the cry of his name, miss how he kisses me as he is cumming, how he pours into me.
sometimes, when i see little children, i miss how he smiles at them, and how he looks at me as if to tell me that we could have one of those.
and sometimes, the boy misses him, too.
but this special exbf of mine, the man who made me feel loved for five years under any circumstances, has found another. do i regret losing him? no. he is happy, and thats all that is important to me.
my heart, however, feels a tug sometimes, like now, and my eyes begin to water, and the hurt, the loneliness, the missing of his presence in my life come out of me. and i try not to look for him in the kitchen, or in the bedroom, or in the living room, i try not to look for him for comfort.
and so i allow for times like these. i allow myself to sob as i think of his hands in mine, in the easiness of his nature, in the unconditional love he had for me.
i miss him sometimes, and i permit myself to live in this hurt for as long as it takes. because if i dont, ill carry it with me.
hes a baggage that im opening and dealing with. hopefully, it will help me.
God, i wish he were here now, for just a few moments, to tell me that everything is going to be okay. no matter what.
sometimes, i miss him. miss his stubble scratch my cheeks when he kisses me. miss the look in his eyes, the way they water as he tells me, i love you.
sometimes, i miss the way he smiles at me when he doesnt think i can see him from my peripheral vision. miss the chicken scratch of his penmanship on yellow-lined paper telling me to have a great day. miss his arms around me as he falls asleep.
sometimes, when the moon is full, i miss his talks of our future, promises that he will be the man i want, hopes that i will want him as much as he wants me.
sometimes, i miss the way he smells of cigarettes and beer, the feel of the crook of his arm that seemed perfect for my head, his voice as he read to me.
sometimes, when theres a chill in the air, i miss the way he looks in a black turtleneck and jeans, his ratty gray coat, and the pocketwatch i buy him for his birthday.
sometimes, as i fall asleep in unfamiliar surroundings, i miss how my voice sounds at the cry of his name, miss how he kisses me as he is cumming, how he pours into me.
sometimes, when i see little children, i miss how he smiles at them, and how he looks at me as if to tell me that we could have one of those.
and sometimes, the boy misses him, too.
but this special exbf of mine, the man who made me feel loved for five years under any circumstances, has found another. do i regret losing him? no. he is happy, and thats all that is important to me.
my heart, however, feels a tug sometimes, like now, and my eyes begin to water, and the hurt, the loneliness, the missing of his presence in my life come out of me. and i try not to look for him in the kitchen, or in the bedroom, or in the living room, i try not to look for him for comfort.
and so i allow for times like these. i allow myself to sob as i think of his hands in mine, in the easiness of his nature, in the unconditional love he had for me.
i miss him sometimes, and i permit myself to live in this hurt for as long as it takes. because if i dont, ill carry it with me.
hes a baggage that im opening and dealing with. hopefully, it will help me.
God, i wish he were here now, for just a few moments, to tell me that everything is going to be okay. no matter what.
battles within
it has been a rough five days for me emotionally, stirred up somewhere on day 2 by a session with sanva. im going through growing pains, this need for change in my life taking precedence over anything right now.
i havent been completely honest with willal, and its come to head in my heart. and what i want to say is this: i want to try. i dont know how well ill do, but i want to try.
in an email, someone asks me to write about my first love. i will get to that soon; it doesnt take long for me to realize who has been my only love in the purest sense of the word, but my heart isnt in it to write about him. not yet, not right now, as i try to figure this out.
the problem that rages within my heart is that i am so closed. i have been so guarded that i dont know how to open the gates, how to lower the drawbridge so that someone can get past the moat into my castle.
sanva says its as if i dont want to show my cards because i dont know what his cards are. he, in this case being willal, but could possibly be any he following willal.
carfi in his wisdom tells me, if you dont put yourself in uncomfortable situations, you wont grow.
so, ive made this decision two weeks ago to be all in. i have to hold on tightly when the storm of emotions and fears start to pour. i know that this is a chance, a great risk, and i think its time to allow it.
his life has been crazy. i want to understand it. i want to know it. but hes still not yet ready. and so i wait. i make room, and i get comfortable, and i wait.
we have this strong connection, this kinship that i know isnt common. im tired of running away from those. but im not going to wait for long.
will he and i be together forever? no, i dont think so. but it sure is fun and frustrating trying to figure it out.
you know, ive missed companionship. im not getting it from this. it sucks, and i know thats why i stray. in fact, if all goes well, im going to see calo again soon. i want to. hes fantastic in bed.
and hopefully, on friday, i will be with d. i hope.
it has been a rough five days for me emotionally, stirred up somewhere on day 2 by a session with sanva. im going through growing pains, this need for change in my life taking precedence over anything right now.
i havent been completely honest with willal, and its come to head in my heart. and what i want to say is this: i want to try. i dont know how well ill do, but i want to try.
in an email, someone asks me to write about my first love. i will get to that soon; it doesnt take long for me to realize who has been my only love in the purest sense of the word, but my heart isnt in it to write about him. not yet, not right now, as i try to figure this out.
the problem that rages within my heart is that i am so closed. i have been so guarded that i dont know how to open the gates, how to lower the drawbridge so that someone can get past the moat into my castle.
sanva says its as if i dont want to show my cards because i dont know what his cards are. he, in this case being willal, but could possibly be any he following willal.
carfi in his wisdom tells me, if you dont put yourself in uncomfortable situations, you wont grow.
so, ive made this decision two weeks ago to be all in. i have to hold on tightly when the storm of emotions and fears start to pour. i know that this is a chance, a great risk, and i think its time to allow it.
his life has been crazy. i want to understand it. i want to know it. but hes still not yet ready. and so i wait. i make room, and i get comfortable, and i wait.
we have this strong connection, this kinship that i know isnt common. im tired of running away from those. but im not going to wait for long.
will he and i be together forever? no, i dont think so. but it sure is fun and frustrating trying to figure it out.
you know, ive missed companionship. im not getting it from this. it sucks, and i know thats why i stray. in fact, if all goes well, im going to see calo again soon. i want to. hes fantastic in bed.
and hopefully, on friday, i will be with d. i hope.
Friday, December 08, 2006
snowglobe
snowglobes are beautiful, arent they? even the cheesy ones from the small mom and pop stores off of the main road in a two-lane highway, even those are beautiful.
the images inside the globes seem so peaceful, until you shake them up, and they become even more serene when the snow starts to fall after being shaken. waiting for it to settle seems endless.
i feel like a snowglobe right now, shaken up, snow falling everywhere, waiting for it to settle, feeling so disoriented from all the snow that i cant see.
i go to my session with sanva yesterday. it is productive, from where i sat, and i realize now how my logic - or in the case of relationships, my illogic - confuses not only me but everyone else. even her. but shes too smart for that. she knows exactly what is going on.
i go round and round, back and forth, to and fro about willal in order to make much ado because the bottom line is that im scared. not only am i scared, but im also frustrated with the whole situation.
i wish i can start over with him. build a better foundation for a relationship. but i cant.
sanva asks me why i cant renegotiate my initial thought. why cant i say, "oh, yeah, ive thought it over, and i think ill keep you around."?
this isnt the one. he isnt the one. im not equipped to be with willal, and that became apparent this week.
so, im off. he really is a great one, y'all. just not for me.
i realize how my baggaages will always be a part of me. i just have to face them now. im ready.
snowglobes are beautiful, arent they? even the cheesy ones from the small mom and pop stores off of the main road in a two-lane highway, even those are beautiful.
the images inside the globes seem so peaceful, until you shake them up, and they become even more serene when the snow starts to fall after being shaken. waiting for it to settle seems endless.
i feel like a snowglobe right now, shaken up, snow falling everywhere, waiting for it to settle, feeling so disoriented from all the snow that i cant see.
i go to my session with sanva yesterday. it is productive, from where i sat, and i realize now how my logic - or in the case of relationships, my illogic - confuses not only me but everyone else. even her. but shes too smart for that. she knows exactly what is going on.
i go round and round, back and forth, to and fro about willal in order to make much ado because the bottom line is that im scared. not only am i scared, but im also frustrated with the whole situation.
i wish i can start over with him. build a better foundation for a relationship. but i cant.
sanva asks me why i cant renegotiate my initial thought. why cant i say, "oh, yeah, ive thought it over, and i think ill keep you around."?
this isnt the one. he isnt the one. im not equipped to be with willal, and that became apparent this week.
so, im off. he really is a great one, y'all. just not for me.
i realize how my baggaages will always be a part of me. i just have to face them now. im ready.
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
combinations
last night, i go to him, and i am there to offer my friendship and myself because he has a particularly difficult day. i bring him dinner and smirnoff ice, and i sit on the couch while he eats on the floor. i hold him, massage his back, kiss his neck when he finishes eating.
he tries to put on babel, but the dvd player doesnt work, so we watch pulp fiction instead. he is frisky, but i put off his advances. not because i dont desire him, but because i feel so faaaaaaat. im pmsing, waiting for aunt ruby to arrive, and she makes an appearance today.
i take his hand, and i lead him to bed last night, and he enters me from behind. i love this position the most because i love when his body covers mine. i love when his hands find mine, and he clasps my fingers between his.
i cum intensely, over and over, and then i move from under him, and i find his cock and eat it hungrily. i stroke it, and he makes the noise that i love so much. he starts to stroke his cock, and he tells me to masturbate.
i lie on my back, and he straddles me. he takes my toes in his mouth, and we are both masturbating. cum in my mouth, i tell him.
he strokes faster, but i cum before him, and when he is about to cum, he whispers, baby, im cumming.
i cover the head of his cock with my mouth, but i pull away so he can cum on my neck, chest, chin, hair. he is cumming intensely, his body is shaking, and when he is finished, i take him in my mouth to clean him up.
i cant move, he says.
come here, baby. i want you to hold me.
i cant move. fuck. that. was. amazing.
i know. now, come here and hold me.
fuck. fuck.
he finally makes his way next to me. he cleans me up, and i tell him that all of his kids are now on his white wife beater undershirt. we laugh, and he goes to the bathroom to clean up.
*****
i think im ready now to be in a relationship. is it with him? i dont know. i want to get to know him, to make sure i really know him before i make a decision.
the man im holding out for is my soulmate. do i believe in this concept? i did when i was with the exbf, then disregarded it when we broke up, but now...
im ready now to slowly tread to that foreign territory. there is something about willal that calms me, that relaxes me, that soothes me. its so nice to rest with someone.
i know the man im intended to be with is a combination of all the loves of my life: the red-haired boy, matts father, and the exbf. they are the ones who have truly shaped me.
im holding out for him. i know hes out there somewhere, and hopefully, he will come in the upcoming year. i think i want another little one. God willing.
last night, i go to him, and i am there to offer my friendship and myself because he has a particularly difficult day. i bring him dinner and smirnoff ice, and i sit on the couch while he eats on the floor. i hold him, massage his back, kiss his neck when he finishes eating.
he tries to put on babel, but the dvd player doesnt work, so we watch pulp fiction instead. he is frisky, but i put off his advances. not because i dont desire him, but because i feel so faaaaaaat. im pmsing, waiting for aunt ruby to arrive, and she makes an appearance today.
i take his hand, and i lead him to bed last night, and he enters me from behind. i love this position the most because i love when his body covers mine. i love when his hands find mine, and he clasps my fingers between his.
i cum intensely, over and over, and then i move from under him, and i find his cock and eat it hungrily. i stroke it, and he makes the noise that i love so much. he starts to stroke his cock, and he tells me to masturbate.
i lie on my back, and he straddles me. he takes my toes in his mouth, and we are both masturbating. cum in my mouth, i tell him.
he strokes faster, but i cum before him, and when he is about to cum, he whispers, baby, im cumming.
i cover the head of his cock with my mouth, but i pull away so he can cum on my neck, chest, chin, hair. he is cumming intensely, his body is shaking, and when he is finished, i take him in my mouth to clean him up.
i cant move, he says.
come here, baby. i want you to hold me.
i cant move. fuck. that. was. amazing.
i know. now, come here and hold me.
fuck. fuck.
he finally makes his way next to me. he cleans me up, and i tell him that all of his kids are now on his white wife beater undershirt. we laugh, and he goes to the bathroom to clean up.
*****
i think im ready now to be in a relationship. is it with him? i dont know. i want to get to know him, to make sure i really know him before i make a decision.
the man im holding out for is my soulmate. do i believe in this concept? i did when i was with the exbf, then disregarded it when we broke up, but now...
im ready now to slowly tread to that foreign territory. there is something about willal that calms me, that relaxes me, that soothes me. its so nice to rest with someone.
i know the man im intended to be with is a combination of all the loves of my life: the red-haired boy, matts father, and the exbf. they are the ones who have truly shaped me.
im holding out for him. i know hes out there somewhere, and hopefully, he will come in the upcoming year. i think i want another little one. God willing.
Monday, December 04, 2006
one of my favorite movie quotes
courtesy of imdb.com:
now, clear your minds. it knows what scares you. it has from the very beginning. dont give it any help, it knows too much already.
i know y'all know where this is from.
come to the light.
courtesy of imdb.com:
now, clear your minds. it knows what scares you. it has from the very beginning. dont give it any help, it knows too much already.
i know y'all know where this is from.
come to the light.
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