bliss

he takes me in his arms, and i lay my head on his shoulders. it feels so natural to do so, and i am comfortable. i kiss him again, and when i move from him, i look into his eyes. i cannot read what they convey, but i know that there is electricity between us.

he lifts my shirt and unhooks my bra with one hand, and i stifle a laugh. i love dexterity, and i am fascinated by the thought of when he last does this with another.

i guide his head to my left breast, and when he finds it, he sucks gently. he looks up at me, and again, i am lost in his kisses.

i pull his shirt from his pants, and i run my hands up and down his back. he responds to my touch, and i lift up his shirt and push myself against him to feel his warmth.

he looks into my eyes as he moves against me slowly. when he looks at me, i believe it is just two people in existence. i forget everything about why i shouldnt feel this good.

its been awhile since ive kissed anyone with such intensity and passion. i cant remember when i last allowed myself to speak not with words but with movement.

he pushes against me and simulates fucking me. i move to his rhythm, hating the fabric that comes between us.

he pulls me by my scarf, and it tightens around my neck. he pulls tighter, and as he does, he kisses me with such force that i do not realize that i am not getting enough air. i push back, the scarf releasing, and i breathe again.

i whisper in his ear that i want to straddle him, to take his cock in my mouth, to have him between my legs. he says nothing, but lets a sweet mmmmmmm escape. he pulls me close to him, and his eyes are watering.

i miss him now, two days after we meet. i miss the promise of him, the plan of his to take me sailing, the sharing of his happiness and victory when he competes in the national level. i know that this is for the best, that we meet only to part, that we come together for no reason other than pure bliss.

we are on

this friday, my friend and i will watch the brothers karamazov. he seems excited, but he is downplaying it. i hope its good, i know there will be lots of talk about it afterwards. i hope so, anyway.

today is a day of grieving. the buddhist is gone, but no matter. meeting him is absolutely perfect, and i need it. i desire to meet people of substance, spend time with them, and if things progress, allow such progression.

astrological forecast

aquarius (jan. 20 - feb. 18): if youre still hurting from a past injury, be it physical or mental, its now time to call in a professional to help your healing process - one of the many ways you can be good to yourself.

from the la times, by holiday mathis for jan. 31, 2006

sometimes its eerie how these things resound the truth.

ive fallen for the buddhist. and its just as well that hes gone. the healing process begins now.

the buddhist, part deux

i get home from the competition and take a nap. i am tired from waking early for a saturday morning, and my energy wanes slowly. i think its best to nap before i go to my mothers birthday dinner.

i close my eyes, hoping to sleep for at least 2 hours, but i wake up within 20 mins. i cannot stop thinking about the buddhist, and i wonder if he will call. i know that if he doesnt call, i would still be glad that i give him my number.

he calls me on my way to the dinner, and he says he will call me later on in the night. i am surprised, and i feel this comfortability when i hear his voice.

after the dinner, i come home, i watch tv, and reps calls. he and i have one of the best conversations ever, where he reveals more to me little by little. tonite, he tells me that he has a hard time trusting anyone, but he is beginning to open up to me.

reps is truly amazing. whenever our conversation ends, i feel warmth. i feel good. his voice calms me in my normally hectic state. towards the end of the conversation, the buddhist calls me.

i do not know how it happens, but 15 mins later, i am on my way to meet him at hop. i am excited, nervous, hesitant, so i ask my brother to check up on me. on the drive to see the buddhist, i call night owl.

night owl. he really elevates my existence by his presence in my life. there is a purity about our conversations that is refreshing and novel that i am transformed to a nicer, purer person. he has such an old soul, very pragmatic in thought, and exhibits a wisdom that i have not witnessed since the exbf.

by the time i get to hop, i am composed, and i see the buddhist. i take a seat across from him, and i love the way he looks at me in the eyes and smiles when he greets me. there is a genuineness about him that i instantly recognize.

we make the customary small talk about the competition, about the day, about what to expect at the next level in april. he looks at me the whole time, and i have to ask him to not stare at me. more than once.

a note about staring. i am highly self-conscious about my appearance, especially when i feel like i look like shit. i check myself in the mirror before meeting him, and i decide that my style of the evening is casual. i wear my favorite jeans, brown boots, wool scarf, black sweater, and purple leather jacket. casual. sexy.

he tries his best to not let me see him stare at me. when he speaks, i look at his lips, and i imagine kissing him. sometimes i do not hear what he is saying because i am focused on how he and i will eventually touch lips.

i tell him i am celibate, and that i do not go out with him tonite other than to have coffee and talk. no one will be waking up with me tomorrow morning or sneaking out of my house in the wee hours of the morn. he finally moves next to me, sitting so close to me that i move to kiss him. i am gone.

we continue to talk, stopping to kiss at times. he massages pressure points on my back, and i cannot help but moan. he kisses my hand, my cheeks, my head. we tell jokes to relieve the tension. we sit closer to each other, and my leg instinctively move over his to get more comfortable.

he pays for the coffee and the pecan pie, and he walks me to my car. i cannot say goodbye to him so quickly, so we talk. we talk and kiss. we kiss hard. he pushes me against my car, and he kisses me harder and moves against me seductively.

i ask him how he would kiss me in the following circumstances: if he had the chance to kiss me when i first give him my number, when we wakes me up in the morning, when he wins at state, when i look at him intently, when he first enters me, when he watches me cum for the first time, when he cums for the first time. he kisses me in different ways, but with the same intensity.

i tell him i want to kiss and lick every place i touch on his body, and i run my hands up and down his back, his chest, and his cock.

i kiss his neck, and he gasps. i lick my favorite part of a mans chest, and he gasps again. i love when a man responds to me.

after a few hours, we finally end the public display of erotic affection.

he calls me this afternoon, and we talk for awhile. he reminds me of the exbf. their backgrounds are similar: both irish/german, both from divorced families, both closer to their fathers, both rebels, both individuals, both sexy, both love to drink, both love to fight, both well-read, both amazingly sweet and kind, both not good for me.

i tell him today that i want honesty in this relationship, and i ask what he wants. he says he wants the rollercoaster ride. i think i can deliver that. naturally.

the buddhist

today is the competition that i regret going to at first. it is early in the morning, and i have no business there really, except i promise to help out. there is no loss or gain for me if i show up or not, but it is something i want to be involved with.

i get to the university, and i see no representation from the school, so i wait. i finally meet up with dimer, and she asks if i want to judge a competion.

we judge photography, cosmetology, and diesel technology. i am impressed with the students who are young but so talented. the photographers are amazing, visually and technically. i need adobe photoshop.

the best participant of the day is the buddhist. he is confident, at peace with his presentation, and when he thanks me, he bows. throughout his presentation, he maintains eye contact with me.

there is something sexy about people who look me in the eyes. it shows their confidence, their honesty, their vulnerability. and it turns me on in ways like no other.

when he finishes his presentation, i know that this participant will win more awards than the one today. i look for him afterwards, but i do not see him again until before the awards ceremony, where he wins the gold.

i just want to let you know that you did an excellent job today. and i wish you lived closer so you can take care of my car, i tell him.

i can fix your car. i live in la.

wow, would you? that would be so fantastic. let me give you my number.

sure.

okay, here you go. your presentation was exquisite. how did you prepare?

thank you. he bows. i wrote it out first, then i practiced it.

it was perfect. so, call me when you can work on my car.

and maybe we could go sailing?

definitely. thank you. and i hope you wont forget me.

no, thank you. he bows again. of course, i wont forget you. how can i?

why do you keep bowing to me?

ive been a practicing buddhist since i was born.

wow. awesome. well, good luck.

i think im in love.

the brothers karamazov

we make plans to watch the play next friday. im giving him a chance to change his mind. hes been visiting a lot lately, and while it is fun, it is also kind of mind boggling.

im at an impasse about him. i like him, but...

no need to go on. there is always a "but..." with him, and it drives me crazy. hes nice, but hes apathetic. hes cute, but hes arrogant. hes this, but hes that. there is no end.

i also cannot be with him for more than twenty minutes at a time because i get frustrated with his idiosyncracies. while it should be endearing, it becomes tiresome. he needs attention, now especially because of his situation, but mostly because he is him.

reps is a sweetheart. school is now a part of his life, and again, i am just an afterthought. but he calls me earlier to let me know that he doesnt call last night because he is tired. he says he will call tonite, and im glad. i always feel good after i talk to him.

the conversation with night owl last night lasts for a good while, but i forget to ask him about the brothers karamazov. i want to get his perspective about the story, like what to look for, what to pay attention to, what the message is supposed to be.

night owl is so sweet and funny. it is nice watching smallville and the office with him. he has a great sense of humor, and our conversation always makes me feel warm. when he leaves for africa, i will miss him.

a note about night owl to the girls: girls, this one is a keeper. dont let his snobbiness keep you away. he is very selective, but once youre selected, youll have tons of fun. let him discover you, and through you, he will discover himself.

chemistry

with my friend? there is none. at least not on my part. but i do feel we have a connection. i can live with that.

with reps? there is none. he is just an absolutely awesome guy, but his schedule will soon become crazy. there wont be much time for anything other than what he has prioritized, which at the moment is work, working out, school.

and my schedule has just become even more hectic when i accepted a position on yafff committee. its too much, i tell ya, but for now, it is manageable.

class tonite is fun. i love my friends; i love laughing; i love learning.

my job, on the other hand, is a motherfuckin pain in the ass. i cannot believe the division between the assholes and the workers. it is a vast crevice, and im not the only one who feels the pain. ouch.

chemistry vs. connection

i call my friend today, and he seems genuinely happy that i call. i ask him if he has any interest in watching the play the brothers karamazov. he says that he does, and would i want to go with him.

later on in the day, he comes over. i show him my pictures of san francisco. he is impressed with one in particular, the best one in the bunch. of 48 shots, only one is worthy to display.

hey, what are you doing in july? i begin.

thats funny you would ask. i was just going to tell you what i was going to do in july.

which is?

im actually going to go on a trip. to argentina.

really? thats fantastic!!!

yeah, im going with my mom for a few weeks. and im not coming back here. let me ask you something. would it be bad if i left my position in the middle of a semester? im not leaving until july, and im not coming back, so what difference does it make if i dont come back in july or in a few months?

if you dont want to come back here, then i dont see why you cant burn your bridges. do you want to return to the district, though?

yeah, but after a year. ive decided im going to travel for a year.

he lays out his plans about where he wants to go. how exciting, i think. he is laying down the path to his imminent escape. but when is he going to mention his wife?

we leave for the day, and i dont know if we finalized going to watch the brothers karamazov. i call him on my way home.

he seems animated and resolved about his recent estrangement, but im not ready to hear it yet. i tell him that one of the things that attracted me to him was his marital status. that he being married gave me hope that one day, i too can make steps towards it.

he reveals some reasons for his decisions, hesitant to disclose any more than i need to know. and what more did i need to know? nothing. i dont need to know how he did it, where, even why. it is just a curiousity, one that does not need to be fulfilled.

he says we need to hang out more. i agree. he wants to go back to the place that overlooks the city. we will have more time, he says, because you know...

thats true. i know. i know, but yet it saddens me still a little. i know, but yet i dont. and thats how i will sleep tonite.

busy-ness

reps calls me last night at 11 o'clock, but since i am in the shower, i miss his call. i know he is tired, getting over a cold and from a week of hard responsibility because his boss is on vacation. so, i decide to not call him.

ive been doing self-talk about this "relationship". he is absolutely fantastic and sweet. however, he is so busy, and i wonder if he is too busy for this. then it hits me. he isnt busy; he just doesnt know how to prioritize. which then takes me to me. i am busy, but i know what is important to me.

my list:
1. matt/family/spirituality
2. health/safety
3. school
4. friends
5. fun
100. work

what is the problem? i like reps. he is so incredible. such character and integrity. i love that the most.

i bring up the fact that i want to be a priority in his busy schedule. i do not want to be an afterthought, i say, and he assures me im not. thats good enough for me.

lets see how the next few weeks pan out. he is so amazing, but can he keep up with work, working out, school, and me? i have faith that he will make things happen. hes cool like that.

an addition to my family

his name is max, and he is the cutest little thing. i love him, but matt has become his master. matt will spoil max, and they will have this beautiful relationship until matt goes off to college. by then, this little pup will be older, and the whining and crying will stop. i pray to God it will stop tonite.

is it me?

i suppose if i have to ask, then obviously the answer is yes. damn.

so, i guess i need to change the mindset i have about relationships. but to change one thing is to change everything.

as sommerset maugham once said, there's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved.

which one do i want to be? can i be both?

another day

will the owner of a white, ford pick up truck, license plate number g******* parked on the second floor of the parking structure, please go to your car? you left your car on.

oh, dear God, please help me to get out of here. i dont know whether to laugh out loud or cry...both actions being out of hysteria.

how the fuck do you forget to turn your car off? and it takes three announcements for the idiot who left his/her car on to realize that it is indeed him/her.

another hilarious day at this fucking place. the daily idiocy is the only thing that keeps me sane.

that and my friend. i see him this morning, and i visit him in his classroom. hes more talkative as usual, odd for so early in the morning. i am tired, my energy has been low, and i lie down on one of the desks.

he asks me why i stay at this place, and i tell him its because hes here. he asks me again, and i tell him its because of him. he is not falling for this game, so when he asks me a third time, i tell him that i stay because i am not independently wealthy, but i also need the social interaction.

i recount my days of telecommuting for an online start-up company. it is a great gig, but the lack of socializing takes a toll on me.

i have dinner with roca and susaco last night, and i show them my pics from sanfran. they say i should do something creative, open my own business, or advertise taking pics. i am not good enough to do all that, but it is a great fantasy.

reps is so awesome. i dont care if we never meet; i just love how wonderful he is. pure goodness. funny to boot.

this is going to be fun

first day of school, and i am so pleased with the selection of instructors. there are endless connections to be made so i can escape the hell of going to a job i hate every day.

its going to be easy, this semester. thank God because i really dont like the delmonte bitch i had last time. she is so vain, and that is a quality i dont like to deal with.

reps and i have this weird conversation tonite. he is tired, and i am tired. he is playful, and i am not in the mood. i know he means nothing with his jokes, but some of them really stung. not that he is mean-spirited, but some things just bother me.

i expose myself to him more and more each time we talk. i often wonder how i can feel so comfortable with someone i dont know at all, and the answer comes to me simply. because i can. because i have no powers against it. because he is just this amazingly good energy.

id love to take him to cousines shi shi wedding in san francisco in july. we can explore the city and play. we can do the touristy things and then find some places that have yet to remain discovered. we can kiss and make love. we can enjoy each other and have fun.

he believes in getting to know someone slowly, that falling in love takes time, and that to him love is the ultimate. i, however, believe that falling in love is instant, and love is the effect of time. we both agree on certain levels, but we also have ideas that contrast.

how awesome it is to know this person and to talk to him daily. he piques my curiosity, and his patience is overwhelmingly comforting.

i promise not to fuck this up. i promise not to push or to run. i promise to be the real me.

no puedo creer

i spy him from the window, and i am immediately overwhelmed with emotions. i want to say hello, say something, but as usual, with him, i let the moment pass.

i see him again later, only this time, i manage a weak hey to his even weaker oh hey. i have a fetish about his hair, which is perfect in length now, and i imagine what it would be like to grab it when im cumming.

finally, he comes into my realm, and everyone else in the room disappears. he has my complete attention, and his words are the most important at the moment.

he tells me that although he liked the alchemist (my christmas present to him), he is not as crazy about it as i am. im disappointed, but i dont expect him to like everything i do.

i ask about his vacation, and he says hes been sick. he missed yesterday and a day last week. then he tells me that things are getting better in his life. and he smiles this teeniest of smiles, the one that appears when he is thinking of something that pleases him.

i like him again. i like him, and i am attracted to him in a way that i will not touch. i like his arrogance, his shyness, his new marital status. i am afraid of this the most because it changes how i will react to him.

i hide behind his ring, his symbol of union to another. i use it as a guard from acting upon the physical attraction that looms around every word, every touch, every look. i take comfort in it, knowing that he is my friend and can only be a friend because he is otherwise taken.

i know nothing can come of this, that i wont let it, and i hope i dont let my curiousity dictate my actions. however, there is a place in my mind where i like to play once in awhile. in it, i allow myself to wander into areas that are unknown, dangerous, wild. and i want to be there with him.