sick

monday night, i went to a meeting and while there, i began to feel sniffly.

i thought it was just something in the filter, people had been coughing and sneezing, so i passed it off as allergies.

after, the tat artist and i hung out, driving around hollywood and chinatown, talking and me sneezing. a. lot.

when i got home, it was over. i was sneezing and a bit cloudy, and yesterday, i slept all day.

last night was rough...fever, back pain, overall feeling of shit.

so, today, on my last day before i go back to work, i think im better.

going to take the boy out to get some school clothes after a nap.

and in a way, though i complain, im kind of glad to be going back to work.

i need structure to my day. however, if the pink slips had gone through, i wouldve signed up for funemployment and taken more classes at tri community.

positive thoughts, positive thoughts...

the beauty of bad memories

i love that phrase. i think the tattoo artist came up with it yesterday while we were on our way to ventura so he can show me the city he lived in for awhile.

but this isnt a post about bad memories. in fact, i have to say that besides a few hours with v and d in the back seat of my car while i drove them around hollywood so they could make out...life has been good.

that part of the night leaves a bad taste in my mouth, and it was really an eye opener. d has become an oaf with bad hair...and v has regressed back to her high school days.

i just dont play that anymore. i work with high school kids, not friends with them.

thank God, the tat artist came out to hang with me even though he was tired.

after we dropped them off, he said to me, i have to tell you something, but i dont want you to freak out.

okay, what?

youre growing on me...like fungus.

im fungus? damn, thats real nice.

well, i had to counterbalance it because i know how you get whenever i talk about how i feel.

its just that i dont want to be in a relationship, but fungus?

you know what i mean...

no, i dont.

i like hanging out with you. i dont care what we do, where we go, i just like you. and when i tell you things like that, you just go crazy and tell me things.

i know. because i dont want you to get serious on me.

we are friends.

yes. friends.

well, friends who kiss and bite and have fun.

but nothing serious.

because the move to sf is becoming more and more real, and the boy is excited about moving, and i cannot wait.

more later. need to get food.

honesty

he said to me, take off your top.

so i did. and he fucked me long and slow, from behind, biting me as requested.

youre so tight, baby, he said, and i was in pain.

i like him for reasons that are very superficial: tattoo artist, quiet, honest, thinker, crazy, talented, bad speller, earnest. and when i fucked him, i was fucking all those.

its a one time thing, he knows this...

at the end of the night, we had dinner at a real shitty place where he ordered breakfast and i ordered a crappy pot pie that couldve been interesting if it was good. but it sucked.

after, he took me to the shop where he works, off of sunset, and then he said, lets take this all the way down to the beach. itll be romantic...it really is the best drive.

i teased him about things, and periodically, he looked at me with his gorgeous brown eyes, and said, why must you give me a hard time?

because im training you to spar with me.

he let out a sigh and rolled his eyes.

when did you become a 12 year old girl, i asked.

we laughed.

and i realized i missed that.

this situation is so not ideal. he wants to be in a relationship, and ive accepted that i dont.

i parked the car on the street, with the beach waves serving as a soundtrack, and i said, im going to be very honest with you. im a mess.

im a mess, too. we can be a mess together.

no, baby, i cant. i cannot function when im with someone. i feel claustrophobic when im in a relationship. im a better friend than lover.

okay.

i love how you make me feel understood. i know you dont understand, but you accept me, and i love that. i love how i can rest with you. and your friendship is something that i need.

if thats all you want to be, i can do it. id rather have you in my life as a friend than not in my life. i like the way i feel when im with you, i love how you show me things.

in a few days, i go back to work, and this hanging out will be drastically cut.

i get it. i work six days a week, so sundays are my only free time.

really? i didnt think you worked on saturdays.

yeah, its my busiest day.

he makes so much money an hour, and hes so modest about it. hes careful with his money, and he spends it wisely.

he bought dodgers season tickets, and he said to me, i have great seats. you should come with me.

earlier on in the night, when we were in bed after he had just had me in his mouth, he invited me to watch him work. i want you to see how i can make something into nothing, i want you to see how good i am.

i already know youre good, why do i have to go to the shop?

because i want you to see me work on skin, making them alive.

really?

yeah, the other night, when we went to take pictures, you had a look in your eyes that showed how much you loved what you were doing.

do you want me to see that in you?

yes. thats why i want you to come. will you?

yes. ill try.

~*~*~

hes different, yet a familiar mix of this virgin boy i had when i was a legal assistant and the exbf.

this tattoo artist is awesome, and i like that he doesnt pressure me or pushes me or gives me a guilt trip.

i like that he keeps a distance from me, that hes smart enough to protect himself, and that he likes me.

i love that he likes me.

and the boy has a tongue that wont quit.

yes, i think we will be friends for a long time.

quickie

i always feel like everything in me and about me is normal...until i meet someone who reflects all that i am and all that i am not.

so, this guy, a tattoo artist who has such a fucking gentle spirit and sweet disposition but thinks too much which isnt a good thing to do when it comes to me...

i search for i dont know what anymore. i search for friendships...for kisses...for raw, sweet fucking...

but just not in one person.

we went out two nights in a row, the longest commitment ive had in two years, and he had been celibate for a year himself.

he listens to me, and he marks me, and the day after the first night when we were clumsily fucking in the back seat of my car being careful to not draw the attention of two young guys on the sidewalk, the next day, i noticed three of his markings on my body.

i want to be more attracted to him physically, and i was when he fingered me to orgasm while he bit me, and to be honest, it was all about me, i was so focused on myself and on the sensations...that he was just a memory.

but.

im frustrating him because for the last few days after we met, ive been to vegas and back, and ive avoided him because honestly? i dont want to continue this. i love his friendship, his broken soul, and i love that he tries to keep himself from me because hes smart and he knows he will be in for a world of hurt if he came close.

he drew me a picture, and hes been asking me to get it, but last night, he gave up and sent an image of it on my phone, and the fucker is just brilliant.

hes not the typical artist that i had constructed in my mind, and i believe that thats part of what clouds me.

however, if we had to deconstruct that last sentence, if we had to really look for any crumb of truth to satisfy curiousity, id have to say that im a woman, a person, a lover who cannot see past the first night of sex.

i cannot and will not apologize for this, but dear God, it shatters my heart into shards of tears to know that this person will soon leave my life.

and he will be lucky.

~*~*~

ive been home because we can only have three weeks of z time, and i love that.

i need to sit down and be more disciplined with my money because i want to purchase a camera and some equipment, and i want to go to rome, and we will move to sf in a year from now.

i hate la so much. i hate this city and the stench and the superficiality and the men who are fucking vaccuous.

but this morning, i love the gloom and the nice temperature. we are going to go for a walk around the rose bowl, two friends and their kids.

and when the weather shifts, and when i have to go back to work, my hate will shift to indifference.

learning to appreciate

im getting this, i said to him as i grabbed the check from our lame waiters hand.

no. i am.

no, you got it last time. and you always get it.

when was the last time we got together that i paid?

months ago. i remember, okay?

m, please give me my credit card from your purse.

look, im going to get it this time. you can get it next time.

okay, so i dont remember the last time we go out. i do remember the last time i saw him at this club in silverlake for a birthday party for his ta.

he was painfully thin then, and i was sure he would flake on me last night.

because i cancelled on him a few weeks before i took off for the bay area.

ive learned to appreciate his friendship now rather than wonder why he does what he does sometimes.

last night, i took him to my favorite place for a pitcher of sangria.

when i was in vegas at the earlier part of this week, i messaged him saying i was married. he wrote, congratulations.

i wrote: thanks. are you really taking flying lessons?

yes. are you really married?

depends on how you define marriage.

are you in love?

whats love got to do with it?

he seemed really distraught with the news, and i know why. he thinks he and i are so alike, so anti marriage, but i explained to him last night that im not.

hes seeing someone, he said, then followed it up with, but im going to break up with her tomorrow night.

why is it that every time we get together, youre breaking up with someone?

well, ill tell you. ive had doubts that i was a relationship person, and i had to do it one last time to confirm im not.

really?

one of the things i treasure about you is that you have such good insight about me, and you know me before i even figure it out.

its one of my gifts, i guess. but look, its not too difficult.

he thinks he and i are so alike, so much so that at the end of the night, he said to me as we were walking back to our cars, i never knew how much we think alike and have so many of the same beliefs.

he and i are friends, and he said he would visit me when im in the bay area. i think he would, i think our friendship will continue, but this will not be anything more than it is.

friendship.

because the thing of it is that hes very complicated, wanting too much of one thing but never really letting go of other things.

and thats how i am.

we talked of philosophy and love and relationships...and flying lessons. i want to take flying lessons.

the truth of it is that i dont know how to be in a relationship, but i want to find the man who will teach me. i want to feel a mans body again, to feel his love, and to try to not run from it.

but really, i want to get away from here.

we talked of art, and i didnt know he was such a big fan of my work. it was flattering when he said, you create art.

he meant it, too. i know this. even when we were both at elaoc, he loved my work. when i asked him why, he said, you make me look at things differently. and thats fine art. dont do wedding photography, thats not you.

i know. i cant do something i dont believe in. but im good at portraits.

they guy is so cool.

and then i brought up his exwife, and he got weird. defensive.

shes still in love with me, and shes not moving on, he said. my friends think that by hanging out with her, im giving her false hope. what do you think?

if youre asking me for permission to stop hanging out with her, im not going to give it to you. you have a history. its not going to be easy for her to let go.

she wants a kid. shes crazy if she thinks im going to get her pregnant and not be a part of that kids life.

i wouldnt expect that of you. but you know, theres a stage in a womans life where having a baby completes her. with or without a man...

but she doesnt want a baby with me...im crazy. im imbalanced.

whatever. you know shes not going to listen to you. she wants what she wants.

we walked after dinner. i took him around pasadena, and he seemed fascinated with it. we hung out at the city hall, and i showed him the play of light. we climbed up the towers, and we stood behind the huge clock face.

you know the clocks with roman numerals on them? he asked.

yeah?

do you notice that the number four isnt a IV, but its IIII?

oh, yeah, cool trivia stuff.

my brother pointed that out to me.

which brother? the one im in love with?

yeah.

how do you know im in love with him?

youve told me.

funny. ive never met this brother of his, and i dont remember why im in love with him, but i am.

so, my friend. hes just meeting himself and trying to find out where he stands.

i totally love this. took him a long enough time, but thank god, he has.

anxiety

ive had to talk myself down from the height of it, and im getting better at it.

eventually, i think ill stave it off, depending on my frame of mind at the given moment. and thankfully, im no longer afraid just because now, i know what to do.

i talk myself down from the height of it.

i know, though, that i have to work out, go back to therapy, and figure out how to control this.

because i cannot afford to spiral.

not this year.

this year is my year, my year to do what i want to do in the best possible way because its my last hurrah in this city.

im done.

my photography is really improving to the point where im starting to believe im good.

i cannot wait to go to sfai.

knew this was gonna happen

about twelve years ago, my mom, my sister, my brother, my son, and i went to san francisco for a four days. it was awesome, and coming back was difficult for me.

ive always known i belonged in that city ever since my love for it began when i was ten. that summer, my family embarked on a drive from chicago to la to sf. it was the first time i met my paternal grandfather, the larger than life man who left my grandmother with five kids while he made a family of his own.

we stayed at his place, with his new family who were my age then, and they were so nice to us that i never wanted to leave. i did, however, feel like i was betraying my grandmother.

i cant explain the energy that i feel from the city, the only city ive ever felt that way in. ive lived in major cities all of my life, and the others cant compare.

so, on saturday when igra called and asked me, why havent you done anything about moving up there til now?, the only response i gave him, the only response that was honest and genuine was, well, see, igra, i have a kid, and he loves his school, and i cant do that to him.

except now, the boy wants to leave, and we have been making plans.

~*~*~

today was a difficult day. i woke up with dread, not sure whether or not i can keep this up for another year.

i mean, the money is good, and i can save at least $13000 from now until the beginning of august 2010. thats easy to do, and in fact, i shouldve been doing it all along, but ive become...well, lets just say that the trip up was expensive.

i didnt really buy anything, and when i did, i experienced buyers remorse, so i sent it back. what was expensive was food. which isnt really surprising because the city is very expensive.

the commute to and from the city and hotel was relatively cheap, and i saved so much on gas and stress and parking.

i love it up there, and i have to think of some way to not fall into a depression. i can feel it slowly creep in, shyly at first, and im afraid that it will get brave and decide to stay.

emotionally, im in a precarious situation. i cannot do this anymore....being angry and sad and resentful.

so, here.

this is what im going to concentrate on my last year here.

first and foremost, i want to be the best photographer and best counselor this year. i want to be dedicated in both professions.

ive gotten so many compliments on my work, and im going to buy a d300s instead of a d700, a 50 prime, and a 24 prime. even theres any money left over, i want to get an 80 prime.

then i wont get a camera for awhile...or lenses.

im going to work on my physical and emotional health so that one day, i will be ready to be in a relationship. this is important to me, but i have to be careful not to let anyone distract me from my goals of moving to the city.

and lastly, the mantra for the next months will be this. i got it from a restaurant table in monterey. my boy fell in love with the seaside city, and i dont blame him.

from the movie forrest gump and found on a table in bubba gump restaurant: its funny how things work out.

yes, indeed.

trust in the Lord.