i hate this feeling

the new meds are making me really, really sick. today, i spend it on my back, feeling dizzy, aching, and i try to breathe into the pain, but i cant.

i talk to the brown-teethed bitch from work, and i get the worse headache in my life. why do i allow this to invade my life?

i am applying for a counseling job at my alma mater. God works in mysterious ways, i know. im glad for the brown-teethed bitch. if it werent for her, i would be stuck at that shit hole.

november offers to cook me dinner and to watch a program he tivo'ed. its not that i decline; its more i dont accept. yesterday, i have lunch with him and his father, and after, his father prays for me. there is a relief that overcomes me right after, and i wish that feeling would return now.

i have always feared being on pills for the rest of my life. now, that fear is being realized. i am incapacitated because of the side effects, but its only for now, until my body adjusts. and when i can, i am going to work out and reverse this shit.

i hate having to remember to pop a pill. my mind is not wired for that.

in other news...

luro
luro emails me early this morning, and ive wondered where he has been. he is so easy, such a no-brainer. its all about smoking out, kissing, then sex. good pot, nice tongue, and great fingers.

we are just in the planning stages now of meeting again. we will exchange a few more emails, maybe a call or two, and then we will "have coffee". after a few hours, we will talk again in a few months. i like that. in september, it will be a year that we met.

november
i feel like i have to keep saying how much i have learned to value why he is in my life. it is not for lustful love, but a love out of friendship. he and i are friends, and that is what i need right now.

we watch x-lll: the last stand on saturday. we go with his sister-in-law's mother and brother. im glad we dont go with marba or jado, both of who i feared would be joining us. the movie was good, and being around november is really calming.

last friday, i suffer from the worst physical ailment ive had for a long time, so i dont talk to him. i think he worries when we dont talk, but i needed that day to recover and prepare myself for the next day.

we are not at the point in our relationship yet where we can skip a day without talking and pick up from where we left off. we havent developed that trust yet. we still dont know if silence means we have met others, or worse, we are done with each other.

it isnt about insecurities at all. well, maybe it is, but i like that he is there for me. i fear, though, that my need for freedom and time with myself might interfere with me being there for him.

he is down today. shut off his phone and everything. but not before he says he would be, which iss courteous. and which does not make me crazy with wondering where he went.

lately, i have been feeling down. no shit. that isnt so much the mystery, is it now? but i dont want to burden him with why, so i pretty much keep the interactions to safe ways, like text messaging. or leaving a message on voice mail. anything to avoid him hearing my voice.

i dont know where this is going to lead, if it is even going to lead anywhere. i dont care, either. at this point, i love what there is between us, which is friendship that needs to be cultivated and maintained. he is doing his best, doing most of the cultivating and maintaining because i am unable to at this moment.

i hope to one day be able to tell him why and how he has saved my life. when it is clear to me how, i will share with him.

my friend
we go to lacma two weeks ago, and it is a good time. last wednesday, i go to work to get some medical leave papers, and i see him. he has taken on an annoying habit of staring at me, trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, i guess. and when i catch him looking at me, he smiles this sheepish little smile, and then insults me. thats how i know things are okay.

i sense that he is lonely, but as ive said before, i hope he is not looking for me to be his salvation from that because i am hardly able to do it for myself, much less him. he is lost, and i cannot be his guide.

i know he struggles with who he is, but he is the only one who can figure that one out. he is going back to the motherland in a few weeks for a month or so. i think this will be an absolutely beautiful time for him to leave this place behind.

he and i are friends. i hope he remembers that. maybe i should do more to let him know that?

warning: skip this one

this year, memorial day has been really sucky. i wish i didnt know why i am in a somewhat depressive mood, except i do, which doesnt make things any better.

the last four months have been very ugly except for one bright spot, which is meeting and befriending november. the buddhist episode leaves me in a funk still, and i know that i have to pull myself out of this.

recently, the exbf has been in and out of my mind, and i think i even dream about him, but im not sure. all i know is that when i wake, i miss him incredibly, and it takes a moment for me to figure out that he is not next to me.

i dont believe in revisiting the past. i try to leave it where it is, and i look at what is now. ive learned not to look too far into the future because i miss things that are right in front of my face.

its been almost two years since he left, but on days like these, i feel a deep emptiness that cannot be buried under meaningless sex, passionate flirtation, or unsolicitated attention.

i know he is happy now, and he is exactly where he needs to be at the moment. i know that the same is true about myself.

and i am happy, i am peaceful, and i am learning to leave the bad boys alone and to look at nice guys more than i have been. i know that i am lucky, but more importantly, i am so blessed that i cannot help but thank God and weep at my fortune.

i have to say that this is the first time that ive actually acknowledged all that i have, and sometimes, i allow myself to think about how my stupidity might have gotten me killed. or worse, harmed the boy.

but i have been saved from hell many times over. i have had second chances, and third, and fourth, and nth chances to wake up and try to make a better life.

i am so grateful for my family and friends, and also for those who do not know me but would like to. this is why i feel so loved and wanted. because i am surrounded by love.

then why do i still feel like shit? i have to go to the gym. tomorrow. i am going to sweat out this misery i am feeling.

one, two, three strikes youre out

last night, anapi, november, the boy and i catch a dodgers game courtesy of november who hold season tickets with his co-workers.

funny, he doesnt recognize us when we walk up to greet him outside of the restaurant, and when i tease him, he grabs my shoulders and laughs. i stiffen, make a joke of it, and walk away.

at dinner, he quietly watches the interaction between the boy and me. thank God, the boy isnt his usual, moody teenage self. in fact, he is rather playful, and he kids around with me and teases me.

after, we are on our way to the game, and november is still quietly observing us. i begin to feel that he wants to be a part of our conviviality, but he doesnt know us that well yet.

anapi and i sit next to each other, while november and the boy sit side by side to my left. the boy loves the dodgers, and watching them live is a thrill for him. the fact that the dodgers are on a winning streak leaves us both excited.

the night is beautiful, the company wonderful, but we are missing the season finale of american idol. i do not really care for the show, but anapi is an avid watcher. on a side note, i thought the finalists were undeserving of being the last two standing, but america voted. whatever.

at nine, i call my mom to ask if she is watching so anapi can get an update. november asks me to not do this, especially at the game, but i ignore him. he conspires with the boy to get the phone away from me. one thing you have to know is that i hate to be tickled. any movement towards my side or my neck (both highly sensitive trouble areas) causes me to react violently.

the plan is for the boy to grab my phone from my pocket, while november distracts me BY TICKLING ME. holy hell, we never touch, and for him to be this forward causes shock to my already fragile system.

i flail, and i cannot control the scream that escapes from my lips. i ask them to stop because i almost kick the man in front of me, but luckily, he doesnt notice anything. the threat of tickling goes on for awhile.

the game ends. the dodgers win. it is all rather unorgasmic, but it is a beautiful night, and its nice to be out of the house since ive been home on sick leave for the week.

we are driving home, and i tease november because i know who is our next american idol (i dont really give a fuck), and while im driving, he is poking my highly senstive trouble spots. not once. not twice. three times. this is an odd thing to be touched, and to be touched by november creeps me out.

i love november, and ive finally admitted to myself that my love for him is out of friendship. it is flattering to have his attention, but he isnt the right one for me. once we declare that we are only friends, i feel more comfortable around him, as he seems to be around me.

but we talk every night, late into the night, the way it was before. we exchange about 20 text messages a day, and this no longer thrills me the way it did before when i was living in a cloud of false hopes.

i am not ready to be in a relationship. i know some would argue against this, but the past few weeks teach me that i have so much to do before i can invest time in someone.

i enjoy my life, my freedom, and this need to be free is not temporary. in fact, it is embedded in my nerves, in my soul, in my very being. ive told november this, so i think he understands. but the fact that i have the boy is something that he finds attractive about me. this is a hunch that is becoming real the more time we all spend together.

marba, however, has been calling him everyday, and vice versa. ive brought up the fact that perhaps they should get together because after all, she has a huge crush on him. i would totally and completely support this union, except he thinks she is desperate.

she is. she strikes me as the kind of person who doesnt have that many real girl friends because she cannot be a real friend. she is clingy, and when a boy comes along, she will dump her friends. she has done this to me and anapi.

i dont really consider them real friends because i feel that they are only hanging out with me and november until someone comes along in their lives. they are both in their early 30's, but the baby alarm is about to ring, and they havent yet discovered the snooze button.

they are both good people, but they havent put in the effort to get to know themselves, so right now, they are surface friends. we dont share many things in common, and it is slowly bothering me that they do not have the initiative to do something for themselves without others.

i know this is such harsh criticism, but it is something that has been bothering me for some time. i fear that if we do not talk for a year, when we come together again, they will be in the same place. no movement, no growth. still stuck in jobs that have no upward growth opportunities. still no prospects of meeting boys.

this saturday, we make plans to watch x-men lll: the last stand. marba is going, and at this moment, i have no patience for her. she talks during movies, and it really annoys me to no end. i may flake at the last minute so she and november can spend time together.

i am being an ass. i know this. but this is how i am when i want to cut people off. november doesnt understand this side of me, and he doesnt want to. i think about cutting him off, too, but somehow, i am pulled back because of his kindness and friendship. he humbles me with his patience for people.

i hate how inactive ive been this past week. the meds have made me groggy and dizzy. i sleep all day, and i hate it. i have to be really careful. next week, i am going to the gym to try to combat this fatigue. its really the only thing that helps me.

consider this

last thursday, my friend and i go to lacma. on the way, we smoke a bowl of cush and begin a discussion of why i think his life is a mess. i offer my opinion in the most brutally honest way because herbs do that to me. it allows me to not edit my words. but my friend welcomes it.

my favorite exhibit is "consider this..." there is one room where i drag him into. it is sexy in there in a way i cannot explain, and i wish he makes a move. but i realize that i do not like my friend in any way other than as my friend.

we then move on to the glass exhibit, where i am amazed at how it can be shaped into forms that are incredible. i love watching him get excited over shapes, textures, and how light shines through these objects.

he tells me that we should do this again. at least once a week, he says.

clarity

last saturday, we watch m:i:III. it is entertaining enough, but i am really getting nauseous about the whole m:i series.

after, we go to grab dinner, and november hands me an envelop with a simple monogram "m". meanwhile, this redneck sits at the booth by us. he is with his girlfriend, but he is constantly trying to engage me in conversation.

the redneck focuses on the boy, telling me that the boy is good-looking and smart. the boy sits there, probably wishing that the redneck blows up.

november moves to the next table to sit with anapi, marba, and jado because elaine and her daughter sit next to me and the boy.

the food comes, and the redneck starts singing. i smile and pray that the chicken wings are so spicy that it closes his throat. no such luck.

when it was time for him to leave, he tells the boy, you are the man.

then, he tells november, and you need to shut the fuck up.

thank god that i am too stunned to respond and that november is not the exbf . if it were exbf, that fucking redneck would have landed in the hospital and exbf in jail. if my wits were collected, i think i may have told that shit to go fuck his mother.

everyone is quiet, then all at once, begin asking, what was that all about?

i tell them how he starts a conversation with me and the boy; that when november comes in after us that the redneck starts to pay more attention to us; that when he saw november give me the envelop, he says, that boy likes you; that at more than one point, he tells me, you are hot, in front of his girlfriend.

the whole time, i think, no shit, november likes me and no shit im hot. actually, im not hot at all, but why argue with someone who believes that incest is best?

i am on a tirade of berating the shit when november tells me, dont worry about it. dont let him ruin our perfect day.

our perfect day begins with me going to work on the last day of saturday school until july. then i go to cost-co and spend forty minutes shopping and an hour in line. when i get home, i take a nap before heading off to the picnic. my nap lasts for two hours.

when i wake up, i head off to the park for the picnic. i feel fat, and i look fat, because i am fat. but at this point, i dont care. i just want to get there and make my appearance.

when i get there, november is with little nell. she grunts and cries and screams, but not once does she talk. she is cute, but she quickly becomes annoying because she is a spoiled brat. however, i love the way november loves her and cares for her.

november is acting quite mean to me at the picnic. this is unlike him, and i wonder what the hell i did to inspire this behavior. i choose to ignore it.

when igra arrives, november is getting ready to leave. he reminds me about three times (in front of igra) that we are meeting at 7 for the movie. then he asks me to watch nell while he packs her stuff in the car.

nell walks away from me, and she is crying for november. when i try to comfort her, she yells out this scream. animal.

when november leaves, i stay for another hour before i head back home to shower and feed the boy. we all meet at the theatre by 7, except november is, as always, late.

this is our perfect day. it isnt really perfect, but we spend it together, so maybe, in a way, it was.

the note he gives me provides the clarity needed about our relationship. he opens up to me on paper, and he tells me that i confuse him because i am contradictory with my feelings from one day to the next.

in response, i write, i thought it was understood that because we were friends that it was also understood that we werent anything more.

i love november. i love him so much for being my friend. for now, this will do.

medical concerns

i am supposed to have a procedure done last friday so that i can get back to my life (well, that part of my life, anyway), but my blood pressure is too high that no one wants to touch this.

i am sent immediately to my primary care provider, but when i get there, they schedule me for an appointment for the next day.

i am diagnosed and prescribed medication for which i am greatly saddened and yet oddly relieved. i vow to not be medicated for the rest of my life. this is my goal, and i will reach it.

im still not myself, not yet, and we will try again for this friday. keep your fingers crossed.

...sometimes...

the last two weeks have been somewhat fun and curious with my friend. to update, he has been keeping his distance from me, but two weeks ago, he begins this daily visit to see me.

i dont blame him for staying away. our relationship was in such need of repair, but neither of us are willing to compromise or budge.

last monday, he comes into my room to say hello. it is a nice surprise, since our conversations consist of him being bitchy and me responding in kind.

you gave me a fantastic idea, he says.

oh, yeah?

yeah. i think it would be kind of fun to get high then go to a museum.

hhhmmm... i gave you that idea?

well, when you mentioned you went to the norton simon last friday, i thought how fun it would be to go stoned.

i got some really good stuff last saturday. cush, i think its called.

thats the best stuff.

i know. i sampled it, and it was nice.

so, do you want to go with me?

where?

to a museum.

yeah. i want to check out an exhibit at lacma called "consider this..."

okay. when?

pardon?

when do you want to go?

whenever...

how about friday?

you dont work on fridays.

thursday?

okay, sure.

i agree, knowing that he will probably not keep the date. sure enough, on wednesday, he cancels.

i forgot about this doctors appointment i made six weeks ago. they just called me.

okay. no problem.

lets go, though, next week. or even this weekend.

cant this weekend. its pretty busy.

okay. what about next week?

yeah, okay.

this afternoon, out of the blue, i didnt think he had my number, but he calls me to say...

i was wondering if you were still interested in that museum trip.

yeah, of course.

want to go on thursday?

are you sure you dont have another appointment?

im asking you in advance so i can plan for it and not do anything else.

oh, okay. lets talk tomorrow.

okay.

i really dont think i can make it this thursday. i dont have the interest, and i have to go into the clinic on friday to take care of some business. i dont want to have traces of cannibus in my system.

hes been growing a beard the last few weeks. it is kind of sexy, and it really adds to his beautiful features. he is good-looking, but i cant seem to get it up.

my sex drive has really been low. i masturbate almost every night, but i am not really interested in anyone right now. i wish he had shown this much interest three months ago on the night we went out for my birthday.

it would have been perfect then, and perhaps, the course of history would have been different. i had been so attracted to him the night of the play, wondering if the night will end with a kiss or something something.

i dont understand this wild card at all. he provided me with some mild herbs two weeks ago, and i think thats when his interest started.

i like my friend. i like him, but i dont want to start a physical relationship with him, which is where im afraid this is leading. he has been extra suggestive lately, turning an innocent comment into a full-blown, blush-inducing slip of the tongue.

i have been keeping my distance because i have to sort out the deal with november, and thank God, it has finally corrected itself. i dont want to entangle myself with something serious, and im afraid with my friend, a serial monogamist, that was what we are bound for.

hes lonely, but i cant be the one to comfort him. i have nothing right now, nothing to give, and i want to take nothing.

ive been missing exbf lately, and it has been causing me some sort of distress. i dont want him back in my life, but i miss the feeling of being absolutely and completely loved. i miss his presence, his smile, his look. i dream that he will come to me again, just for a quick visit, before he goes back to the life he has made for himself.

im not sad or depressed about exbf at all. i remember him fondly and keep my love very passive. but there are times when i am inclined to just let him feel my lips on his, my head on his shoulders, my love in his heart.

i cannot explain well this connection we have. i use the present tense because i dont believe it has left yet. but that is for another time.

happy moms day

it goes without saying, thanks to all the moms out there who have been doting, devoted, sacrificing, and most importantly, loving.

********
i will be back soon, writing again as soon as i am out of my mini-anxiety induced depression. all is well. really. its just that, right now, life is overwhelming, and i need to breathe.

see you soon.

im getting back to normal again

i am a Catholic. i go to church every sunday, i am part of the coreteam in the young adults group, i am part of the coreteam for the young adult faith fellowship and formation committee, i am part of search, and i am raising my son to also be a Catholic.

all this fulfills me spiritually, and i have friends who support me even though they dont understand this devotion and commitment. i am involved because i learn about myself and grow and develop spiritually.

i have two sets of friends: my Catholic friends and my non-Catholic friends. i love them all separately but equally, and i am myself when i am around all of them.

lately, anapi, marba, november, and i have been hanging out. well, at least until last friday. while i have fun with them, it is not the same kind of fun i am used to.

there is a part of me that gravitates towards the bad. i am very fond of smoking out, and i do it when i have the opportunity or the goods. i lust after men, but after the buddhist, im done with that craziness. men who have bad boy images with tender hearts are my weakness.

i am slowly maturing because although im still attracted to the tattooed and the pierced, i know that i wont spend my life with one who is.

i have been bored lately trying to live on the good side of life. celibacy and refraining from drugs and alcohol isnt really who i am. celibacy i can live with, and i yearn more for intimacy now than anything. but i need my occasional hit.

my friend and i have a nice conversation yesterday, ending with a request for him to get me some goods. he says he will bring it today, but of course, he doesnt.

ever since november stopped calling me mysteriously, i have slowly been getting back to my core self. i love november, but his happy-go-lucky nature just really bothers me sometimes. i feel myself slowly slipping far from him, and i wonder if we will have our late night conversations again.

i miss him. i miss the goodness and the energy he brings and shares with me. i miss his friendship. but he is currently unavailable, and i have to understand that. if we talk again, i will accept him as if we never had a lull in our friendship.

but for now, i am transitioning to another part of my life. november has blind faith, but i dont. i am learning, though, not to question and to fight Gods will. and this is a hard lesson to learn.

absence

ive been gone lately because i think i am in one of my depressive episodes. i havent been sleeping well lately, and that is partly due to late night conversations with november. but that has stopped as of last friday.

there are two things in my life that are pressing, things i will not mention, but they have been causing me self-afflicted pain and suffering. i know that i need to act upon it so that my quality of life will return to normal.

i havent been to the gym for the last three weeks, which has also been contributing to my mini-depression and anxiety. i am so tired lately after work, so to drag my ass to the gym is not very savory. i usually go home to take naps, which force my body to feel so blah that i cant get off the couch.

lack of sleep has always been my enemy. when i was younger, it had been easy to recuperate from all-night drinking binges, but now, i play catch up. it is disturbing, really, so i try not to do it.

november is a great person, but what could have been between us will never be. i accept that, and i am grateful for his attention and friendship. i love him for being an open door and for letting me feel again.