in which the time has come

i am sick. it is time now to end the summer and to give up all things that are part of the summer. i am sick because i know i have to cut off the few threads that remain. i am sick because it saddens me, but i know that this is how it should be now.

i have never been good at terminations. i usually wait until i am sick sick sick of something before i get it out of my life. i am passive when it comes to leaving. it is out of laziness, mostly, and not being proactive. hence, why i am still at my shitty job.

there are some things i cannot control, but the things i can, i have to do something about. lovers have become habits for me, and ironically, they are not the hardest ones to break. it just takes a few days of being away from them, of being free of them, of living clean before i forget.

its a great asset this ability of mine to forget. i pride myself on it. and i can go on and not look back. self-protection, of course, but still, i marvel at how i am so unaffected sometimes.

im aware, though, how little i invest of myself in these pseudorelationships so that i can recover quickly. but why should i throw my heart and soul and blood and sweat into the ring for just anyone? not every man is worthy of my love, my feelings, but my body is not as restricted.

i love sex. and i am attracted to many many many men. sometimes, the attraction is returned, and i am compelled to enjoy the physical aspects of it. sometimes, it is just a strong flirtation that becomes a great sexual episode. and other times, it is just sex. no need for explanation or excuses. sex.

i dont want to be judged, but opinions will be had. i have my own opinions of what im doing, what ive done, what i will do. im shaped by my actions and thoughts and inactions and feelings. am i a better person for it? am i worse? time will tell. but i own this about me.

ive realized the value of freedom two years ago when it is returned to me by the exit of exbf. the joy of coming home early and not finding beer bottles strewn around the house, the joy of not having to hide my wallet for fear that he will take a few bills to buy liquour, the joy of sleeping peacefully.

i recover life for myself and the boy, and i am so grateful for tasting this libert again. i was famished for my independence from a man and the responsibilities that come with being a girlfriend, and my hunger has not been curbed yet. i am not satiated yet with living alone, with the taste of loneliness at times, with the thought that my soulmate is out there.

i have to be sincere to myself. i have to be honest and courageous when it is quiet, and the inner me needs to talk. there are things i cannot face yet in the mirror, but slowly, i am reconciling my past with my present. the shame of what has happened to me and of what i have done has to be confronted. and in time, ever so drawn out and languished, i will be even more free.

i feel it in my bones that something is just around the corner. now, i dont know if God has deemed that ive learned some of the lessons Hes presented to me, but i feel a surge in me. ive felt it before, this is not new to me, but ive done nothing to act on it. my inaction is my sin.

fear plays a big role in my life because i do not have the financial or emotional resources to fail. but that is an illusion. how could i fail when i see life as a big adventure? i am a teacher, i am a student, i am a woman in this game of life. teacher by trade, student by choice, woman by appointment. but arent we all teachers and learners?

i am quiet now. silent, as my fb tells me last night. he asks me if he is dismissed. interesting word. dismissed. like i can dismiss him. i could never do that. i care about him, respect him, enjoy him. but it is getting too emotionally distracting, so i have to look at myself and tell myself to just let it go.

just let it go. just let go and let God.

and breathe.

this is what im concentrating on. funny how a friday night with nothing to do allows me this mental masturbation. look at what is released.

thoughts. truths.

endings.

beginnings.

possibilities.

ready?

as i sit here

it comes down to this. on sunday, i have plans with two different men.

the first is with pablo, my number one crush, my temptation, my possible fuck.

the next, later on in the day, is with plator. what the hell?

on monday, my day off, i will probably go to lunch with sputnikdog.

where will this all lead?

nowhere.

i know why im going to do this. the thing with willal is slowly coming to an end for me. i still have fun with him, still love kissing him, but to be honest, his words ring in my ears.

why should i complain? i love the freedom of non-commitment. im only causing undue drama.

friday nights with nothing to do makes me think of crazy ass things.

awareness

this morning, i leave his place all nice and drained from multiple orgasms. i take the day off because i hate my job, but that is for another time.

i hang out at home, texting him, writing, until anapi calls me to head off to the new wal-mart. the one with the grocery store inside. but that, too, is for another time.

i purchase $80+ worth of items. i buy two school pants and a uniform shirt for the boy, a transformer toy for his boy, and a few other items like lube and sports bras and other things.

things are well, hes fine, and im fine. hes a bit sick, he says, feeling like crap. which is true because last night, he almost falls asleep. but the trooper that he is, we fuck twice before he is down for the night. and once this morning.

i meet up with dines, and we talk about him. this time, she knows better than to judge. she can sense it, i think. she says that he and i have a deep connection. i agree.

we go to anthropology, and i buy grey pants and a brown dress. sexy.

we go next door to aaron bros. i buy so many frames...nine in total...for $31. they have an excellent sales table with an extra 75% off the lowest price. i need to take more pictures.

he is home tonite, with his boy, and i am glad. he is also sick, and i wish to be next to him. i realize last night that when his boy is not with him, im the one sharing his bed.

this is very sweet. and he asks me if i mind that we dont go out. i tell him no, that if we were to go out, we would get kicked out of different places because we wouldnt be able to keep our hands off of each other.

this is sweet.

this is nice.

this is fleeting.

coconut macaroons

e, just wanted to thank you for lunch last friday. it was good to hear about your trip. your energy is infectuous. this seems a fascinating time in your life - personal, career, and social settings. enjoy these macaroons. they may not be as good as the ones from the alcove or other places, but theyll do for now. m.

i put this note in an envelope, and i tape to the outside of the coconut macaroons i buy for him from trader joes. it is an impulse decision last night, but im glad i get it for him.

this morning, he is an asshole to me.

maria.

oh, hi. how are you?

tired.

oh? long night?

actually, i went to bed early.

yeah, me too. hey, i have something for you.

what? a bad attitude?

wow. god, are you mad at me or something?

no, im just tired.

we walk into the office to sign in, and he cant find his keys. i need to leave to buy my breakfast, so i tell him, ill talk to you later. if you are in my area, stop by.

im never going to be in your area.

im not doing this today. ill talk to you later.

i wait until the end of the school day to stop by and bring his macaroons. i catch him off-guard, as he is busy, and i leave the bag and a note on his desk.

he comes by to visit, and we make small talk. he thanks me again and again for the macaroons, and before he leaves, he hugs me in gratitude.

who knew that a $3.99 bag would cause this much ado?

he calls me, on his way home, to tell me how much he appreciates the note and the macaroons. i dont understand why he is so moved by this tiny gesture?

heres what i want. i want to hang out with him when we get our cameras. i want to smoke out with him. i want to maybe get a bit of action from him. and then i want to continue this friendship for awhile.

i am somewhat fascinated by him. he tells me the other day that he wants me to think he is so smart that i change my way of thinking because of his influence.

wow. i dont respond. i just do a nervous laugh.

last friday

i do not know what it is in my general dna make up that produces such anxiety whenever the thought or the subject of relationships is brought into conversation.

do you think its abnormal to feel this way? your body tensed up when you said the word relationship, my therapist tells me last friday.

yes, i do. i think there is something fundamentally wrong with a 37-year-old woman who is a single parent and career driven and is deathly afraid to share her life with someone.

and why is that, do you think?

i dont know why im so guarded.

do you think its because youre afraid of being hurt?

no, not at all. ive been hurt plenty of times. deceived, betrayed, cheated on. i feel immuned almost.

then what is it you are hiding?

i dont know what i am keeping so protected. i want to get into a relationship. i want someone to get to know me, but when it comes to actually having it, i cant.

do you think its because of your upbringing?

ive thought about that alot. tried to blame my condition on my parents, but im an adult. i recognize that i make my own choices.

sounds very wise.

well, i dont want to fall prey to others actions. i want to make sure i still have my own control and will.

the memory of this conversation comes about because last night, he emails me saying he wants kids. i freak out. he says he thinks we already know each other, and i have a feeling that this game will be up soon. he is so sexy with words, and i have a fascination with his story.

i love stories. i love how they unfold. i love how the endings could change.

possibilities.

number one crush...or how temptation beckons me

i leave his place later than i had hoped to, but thats because he engages me in conversation that begs to be had. it is more for him, he needs to talk, and i had to listen. his words explain his pain.

on my drive there, i think about what he says. but that is for another time. i make a hasty decision to put him out of my mind. he is just an fb, after all. why make it into something it isnt or could ever be?

i get to the gym with five minutes to spare. i run across the street, and in my peripheral vision i see my crush. my momentum pushes me to run to the front desk and not wait to confirm if it is him or not.

he catches up to me, but i dont turn around even though i hear his rapid breathing.

there she is, he smiles.

oh, hello. im a bit late.

so am i.

tell you what. you do your boy thing, and ill do my girl thing, and ill meet you inside.

okay.

so, how was your week?

less stressful.

well, of course, you only work four days. im still a bit bitter about that.

its a long commute coming from industry to pasadena to glendora.

sounds like it. ill see you inside. im just going to change.

i cant help but smile. and if i were a little schoolgirl, i would have skipped. but im 37-years-old, and my knees and ankles cant take that skipping silliness.

the class starts, and i avoid his eyes. i look at myself in the mirror. from this distance, i cant see the excess flesh around the middle or the cellulite at home in my thighs. some will tell you i exaggerate about this, but lets face it, i dont have a fun house mirror. it doesnt make me look tall and skinny.

midway through, i become dizzy. i begin to see stars, so i leave the class. i go to the locker rooms, and i lie on the bench, not caring that naked asses sit here when they are changing. i will myself to not be sick, to not vomit, to not faint. i wonder who would find me, if dines who skips class in favor of cardio would find me. all of my information and personal belongings are locked away. who would get my kaiser card?

when i am stronger, i go back to him, and i sweat more for about 20 minutes. when the class ends, i head out. but i cannot seem to leave him behind, at least not today.

i decide to write him a note and slip it on the windshield of his car. the note reads:

pablo, god, i hope this is your car. i think i see you this morning in my peripheral vision, but i do not take the time to confirm.

i have a friend who is interested in personal training, but she doesnt want to join the gym. i told her you might be available.

please let me know.

maria
626.297.****

dines aides and abets. we go to starfucks after to talk about the night before with willal. she leaves me after a half an hour to go to the oc, and i go shopping.

willal buys a bed because ive been complaining about how uncomfortable it is, and he is always apologetic about the condition of it.

i want to buy him 400 count sheets, a luxury roca turns me to. they are so much better than the 200 count. and one day, im going to buy the 800 count. ive found them only for cal king mattresses, unfortunately.

as i am browsing, trying on boots, looking for heels, my phone tells me that an unfamiliar number is trying to reach me. at first, i do not know who it could be. then i remember.

hello? i ask.

maria? its me. i read you.

oh, pablo?

yes.

hello, thank you for returning my call.

he blah blah blahs for about 20 minutes about training, all the while im trying on these thigh high boots that are so sexy and also thinking who the hell am i going to introduce him to who wants training? i made all that up in an effort to give him my number, and now i feel bad that he thinks there is actually someone who will be needing his services.

i change the subjet. i ask his age, his marital status. he tells me he is 33, married for 9 years. however, he manages to include that he and his wife are open, and that she doesnt mind.

are y'all thinking what im thinking? threesomes? oh, my. willal would be pissed he wasnt the "m" in the fmf, were it to happen. but willal would never find out.

my crush then begins talking about his take on spending his life with someone, and i am very fascinated. honestly. so, naturally, i tell him.

then, here is the crazy part: he suggests coffee next sunday after class.

guess where ill be next week?

hauntings

this is why i cannot commit to anyone. the promise that one day this will happen again. but from the way it looks, it probably wont. but a girl can dream, cant she?

do you remember him? i sure as hell do. god, he is so devastatingly good in bed. and the marks he left? amazing.

sugar,

sorry, just got your email.

i had a really hard weekend, my body is soooooo sore - i worked until 5am last night for a live show. i am also working on something due tomorrow, and wont be finished until 10 or 10:30.

i dont know how much i have in my gas tank, but i know i would love to wrap my lips around your lovely nipples.

i just would feel bad not being able to be as powerful as you deserve.

maybe we should pick another night.....when i can drive my tongue deep between your legs, my hands wrapped around your tits, and having you climax all over my lips.

i have to say that just thinking this has made my cock hard, i wish your lips were in reach.

d

how it began

it is september of last year, and a guy comes to my room. the first thing i notice is how tall he is. the second thing is how awkward he is. and the third, how gorgeous he is.

he catches me off guard, in front of my class, and the students look from me to him. naturally. his eyes catch mine, and i am all of a sudden shy.

he asks me to help with paper work, and so i make him wait until i explain a lesson the students do independently.

i go to him, explain what he needs to do, and he thanks me. and he leaves. a few days later, he is back, needing more help because he is uncertain of the procedures.

being new once myself, i am more than willing to help anyone in this situation. so, i patiently explain what needs to be done, and send him off.

the day of the faculty meeting falls on a wednesday two weeks later, which is the day i have school, so i tell him to try to stay awake and take notes.

he thanks me for all the help ive given him, and i tell him he can pay me back with lunch. he says his wife can cook me whatever i want, but i tell him im looking at a liquid lunch instead.

he laughs at this, and he becomes nervous when i ask what kind of cocktail he drowns himself in. he says the vanilla mixture of gin and tonic. that is my poison from ages 26 - 30, although last week, willal and i consume gin and gatorade. that is a marvelously refreshing drink.

he goes to the meeting, and a few days later, i ask if he wants to join the football pool that fp and ansa are in. he tells me with such disdain, i hate sports.

so you want to join or not?

no.

sure?

yes. thanks anyway.

that week, i win. it comes as such a shock to the boys because in the previous three weeks, i come in dead last, winning two or three games tops. my way of choosing the winning teams is funny. i do it based on instinct. and well, my instinct is off when i know crap about what im doing.

i win, and when i collect the money, my friend happens to be at my door waiting for me. we take a seat, and we talk about my coup, and he tells me the only real sport in his opinion is boxing.

boxing? the one where people punch each other? is that a sport? actually, while i hate watching the physical pain being inflicted, i think that there is such physical strength, stamina, and dance that comes with boxing. but i hate it.

i get an idea, all of a sudden, a brilliant spark from the gray matter. hey, lets celebrate.

celebrate? what?

my victory!

what do you have in mind?

i know a bar down the street, so lets go.

we take my car, and we find ourselves at charlies trio. he orders a beer - a corona - and i drink a...what the hell did i drink? anyway, we talk. he tells me that he lives in the valley (gag me with a spoon...eeeewwww), that hes been married for less than a year, that he wants to get a small loft in downtown to spend at least 3 days there because of the commute.

he doesnt know my affinity for lofts. i never told him until then. then he becomes animated and tries to explain how he would furnish it.

i get my second brilliant idea of the day.

hey, want to go for a drive?

yeah. lets get out of here. its too loud.

okay. are you sure you dont have to be home yet?

yeah, im good.

i take him downtown, and he is genuinely happy to be there. i take him to flower street, to first street, and by fidm. he recognizes the lofts there from his internet search.

finally, we stop by sci arch because i have to use the bathroom, and also because i heard about their cafe and want to see some architects.

i love architects. i hope to marry one, one day, who will design the house that we want. it seems romantic somehow to build a foundation.

i love this place. ive never really been here, he tells me.

me, too.

how do you know all these places?

i like to get lost. i like to turn down different streets and find some gems.

lets get coffee.

we find the cafe, but it is a bit sterile. we walk to the next block, and we find groundworks, a nice berkeley-esque type of coffee place.

he orders a cup of coffee, and i wait for him outside. he sits across from me, and he says how much he enjoys being here.

i smile. i dont know what to say, if words even need to be formed. he casually mentions, i bet you can smoke out here, and no one will notice.

a car pulls up in front of us, and two gentlemen come out. one looks slightly like richard gere. they sit at the table next to us, and then one does a curious thing. he pulls out a pipe.

my friend looks at me as the gentleman is packing a bowl. they look at us, and they make introductions.

hey, sorry, says richard gere look-alike.

no problem, i say.

im so and so.

hi, im maria, and this is eddie.

nice to meet you guys.

this is so and so.

hey.

hey, man, pipes my friend.

sorry to be so rude in not offering you guys some. want a hit?

my friend and i look at each other, smiling as if the marijuana gods had granted our wish, and we simultaneously respond, sure.

he passes the pipe to me, and i take a hit, then pass it to my friend.

you guys come here often? richard asks me.

no, its actually our first time. we love it.

yeah, you guys should come down more often.

id like to.

do you guys work around here?

close. do you?

yeah. im actually a photographer, and i meet clients here.

really? wow. i love photography.

richard goes on to explain that he has been taking pictures for clients with business done primarily through the net. he soon becomes boring, but i feign interest.

my friend is getting annoyed that i strike up a conversation with others besides him. i am not excluding him, but he is just not the social person id like to think he is. this will haunt us until today.

i really should get going. the skyscape is beautiful, though, and next time, i will bring my glasses, my friend says.

we say our goodbyes to our pot friends, and we make our way to my car. on the way there, a small building transforms to a church whose members are worshipping in song and prayer.

i make a mental note of the loveliness of this in the middle of skidrow downtown. my friend is not happy. he is looking down and walking slow. thinking.

i interrupt his thoughts.

so, youll be okay, right? you know, i mean for staying out late.

no, its good.

you seem worried. im sorry that i kept you out.

no, i had a good time. we should do this again.

okay. lets.

the drive home is filled with silence. we are sitting there, comfortable. he seems sad still, but i dont explore it. we get back to the parking structure, and we say our goodbyes.

this is our first time. stay tuned for the latest time.

so, so, so true

Your Passion is Brown

You are both a sensitive and sensual lover. Warm and deep, you are tuned into the needs of your lover. Verbal foreplay is crucial to you. Words can make or break your mood. For you, sex is a 24 hour a day thing - you can't separate it from love.

i love wearing brown, actually.

oh, and thats pretty accurate up there.

whats your color?

uh...

You Should Be A Gemini

What's good about you: witty and energetic, you're simply the most fun to be around

What's bad about you: you're flighty - losing interest in people and projects quickly

In love: you enjoy the "honeymoon phase," but after that it's hard for you to stick around

In friendship, you're: likely to have many groups of friends, with many different interests

Your ideal job: mime, guru, or cartoonist

Your sense of fashion: casual and simple

You like to pig out on: fast food, especially burritos

my sister is a gemini, and she is nothing like described above.

want to take it?

i knew it

You Are Midnight

You are more than a little eccentric, and you're apt to keep very unusual habits. Whether you're a nightowl, living in a commune, or taking a vow of silence - you like to experiment with your lifestyle. Expressing your individuality is important to you, and you often lie awake in bed thinking about the world and your place in it. You enjoy staying home, but that doesn't mean you're a hermit. You also appreciate quality time with family and close friends.

what time of day are you?

its not a big revolution

Your Job Dissatisfaction Level is 40%

Your job is not bad, but it's probably not a long term thing. You're just not happy enough to stick around for too long... And there's little that can change how you feel. Start looking around for other options, but only quit for something really good!

just thought id keep it around as a daily reminder.

as if i needed one.

your turn.

F U C K

i get a ticket seconds away from willals loft last night.

of course its because of my great ability to not take care of things right away.

but heres the thing, people, the officer? the one who gave me a ticket?

oh, my god. beautiful. and fucking sweet. like the boys from the midwest or the south.

what else could i do about this odd attraction?

i tell him. i tell him that he is the best looking man ive seen in a long time.

i do this after i sign the paper, and after he hands me the ticket.

because im not trying to get out of the ticket. i admit my fault.

but he had to know what i see.

and the rest of the night turns into something beautiful and all at once, scary.

9:17 pm

irony. im 17 minutes into the show, and he hasnt summoned me yet. perhaps he fell asleep.

it shouldnt be this hard to have an fb, should it?

this is good.

i hate meredith grey and the actress who plays her.

shall i tell you about my friend? i dont know what is going on with him, but i know that something needs to happen.

he has been friendly, sweet, and funny. he looks into my eyes when he talks to me these days, and i find that incredibly sexy.

tomorrow, he mentions that he is coming to school, and i tell him i am not coming. he asks me why, and i have no good reason, so i dont respond. he guesses inaccurately, of course, so i tell him that i just need to get away.

he says he will be acclimating himself with his new classroom, the one hes taking from vansa, from 9 to 12. i say that maybe we should get lunch. he says that that might not be a bad idea. i say that id like to drink, and he asks in the middle of the day.

we go on to talk about art. i never knew that he is such a fan of the art world. in 12 months, hes never mentioned it. hes a fraud, isnt he? i think hes just using it to get close to me.

he is unrequieted. the man moves so slow, needs to take his time, wants things to just be. and im quite the opposite. i want to know now, have to have him now, get it over with now.

willal probably fell asleep. i keep him up late last night. oh, well.

this is a good thing.

dammit

greys anatomy - the season premier - is on tonite, and i may be at willals place. i want to see if we can watch it, as his son sleeps on the bed.

i wasnt a regular viewer, but now, im so addicted.

and i want to watch six degrees, the show on after it.

timing sucks.

dammit.

an analogy

i had another post in my head; yet, this one needs to escape and be acknowledged.

for years now, ive been somewhat closed off with my feelings. even in my relationship with the exbf, i retreat into myself whenever things got too much to handle.

blame it on hurt. hell, blame it on my upbringing. but the real culprit is me.

ive ruined perfectly good relationships because of my fear of intimacy. ive had three wonderful long-term partners, and each one i know loved and cared for me more than i could for myself, but i couldnt allow it.

in an effort to reconcile with my past, ive decided to confront this major issue - the guilty fear of intimacy issue - head on. it is most difficult, especially not only do i take up contention with intimacy, i struggle with trust as well.

last night, the beast creeps on up on me, and i am unable to control. it happens innocently enough, during a conversation with willal. he becomes confused at the sudden change of climate in my speech, and a part of me was also, to be truthful. but rather than holding on to what little lucidity i had, i let the beast reign, and i hang up with willal.

it only takes me thirty seconds to recover, and in a haste decision, i call him back to see the damage caused. thankfully, it is minimal enough for him to talk to me again. we talk, and we resolve, and we learn more about each other, but now an added concern is born: when will it happen again? which it will. but the timing is the key here.

after we get off the phone, i am inspired to write him an email telling him all the wonderful ways hes made me feel. when dines calls me this morning, she cautions that she doesnt want me to get hurt, and that by talking to him, i am taking the bait and becoming closer to him.

shes right. she knows me. knows that im a whore for someone who lets his story unfold. my weakness is hearing the tale of how he came to be. and im falling for willal. but i cant allow it. too many reasons why not, not enough reasons why. and it isnt so much fear of loving, but fear of being in a situation i am not ready for.

i sit here now, in this massive ocean of my life, waiting for the proverbial big wave to come over me.

it happens once, a long time ago, at a beach in la jolla. i am body surfing, and i misjudge the size and the speed of the wave. i find myself somersaulting in ocean water. while i try to fight it with my arms flailing and searching desperately for breath, something in me says to let go contol. when i do, something miraculous happens. i resurface with my head over water. i am no longer underneath a transparent ceiling. and i dont even struggle for breath or spit out salt. im fine. i feel good, and i swim out to the ocean again.

thats what i think needs to happen to my life right now. ive been somersaulting in my career, with men, with my feelings. its time to let go of control and resurface.

i will be fine in my career, with men, and with my issues. and when all is well, i will swim out there again.

for now, i have to just find my footing.

changed

the plan is for me to go to him tonite. instead, his son takes my place.

i call him, and because i can no longer stand it, i tell him that i will take a shower and visit him for awhile.

during the conversation, we laugh, we giggle, and we get in an argument.

it was subtle, you see, this argument we have, that i dont even know we have it until he abruptly tells me, okay, baby, im going to bed now. have a good night.

okay. you, too.

bye.

bye.

i am uneasy with the way this ends, so i call him back.

hey, i dont understand. are you mad at me?

what makes you say that?

you seemed upset when you were saying good night.

no. i think you misunderstood what i was trying to say.

listen, im not good at this. im not good at talking about an "us." im used to "you and me", but "us" is kind of new, so im sorry if i freaked out.

we continue to discuss what happened, and i realize that i back away when the talk of intimacy comes into play. but we forge on with the issue at hand, and real conversation ensues.

at one point, after being honest about my feelings, he tells me, wow. that was raw. that came from the heart.

leave my heart out of this. nervous giggle.

how ive been moved by him:
1. i live up to his words. i want to be who he says i am because he acknowledges a part of me that i havent granted access to many men.

2. he awakens my creative side, my soulful side, my feminine side.

3. he lets me rest my head on his chest without trying to hold me down.

4. ive learned how to spend the night without feeling like im giving up a part of myself. there are times, of course, when i feel like leaving, but my spirit wants to stay. so i do.

5. his silence doesnt make me uncomfortable. its permits me to be silent, too.

6. i can be still. my mind may still be working a mile a second, but my physical self remains calm.

7. he teaches me how to be a woman because he is a man.

8. i am in awe of his self-respect, and i respect myself more.

9. he is sexy. his humbleness makes him even more so.

10. he makes me feel like the girl i am and the woman i want to be.

i think ill stick around for awhile. well, for as long as it is meant to be.

for you

your breath on my neck...pulling me close...throwing my head back...kissing my shoulders...drawing you in to my breasts...wrapping my legs around you...licking your lips...finding your tongue...moving against you...pushing your pants down to your ankles...slipping your hands into my jeans...turning me around...bending me over...holding the counter...sticking my ass up...you entering me...me pushing deeper into you...needing you to be closer...groaning...fuck me, harder...yes, baby, anything you want...juices flowing...separating from you...mouth watering...kneeling in front of you...taking your cock in my hands...smelling me on you...tasting what you have done to me...eating you deeply...oh, god, yes...slowly...in rhythm to your hips...moving my hair for a better look...seeing your face...feeling you tremble...excited...rapid heartbeats...baby, i want you so much...now, im cumming now...faster...faster...faster...fuck...fuck...fuck...now...now...releasing your cum...spilling into my mouth...escaping from the corners to my chin...wiping it up...ready now to find your body...holding you...collapsing into your arms...leading me to your bed...falling into it next to you...resting my head on your chest...listening to your heartbeat...not knowing anything other than i want to do that again...im yours.

my favorite post so far

i love this written piece of work from may 29, 2006. it is posted on another blog where three others and i share our words. the personal aspect of it is extremely raw, and it cuts deep into my soul.

here it is, for your reading pleasure.

Monday, May 29, 2006

limina

i look around at the faces around me. i am not the oldest, and certainly not the youngest, but equally aged as they.

i am here to correct an aberration to my life that is too fragile to have this kind of error. its fairly easy to do, especially if i numb not only my physical self, but also emotionally and psychologically.

someone calls me in, and i only remember making the ten steps to see the smiling face that greets me. i go in to a room, disrobe, and then find my arm strapped in to modern mechanism to find the pressure of my blood.

come with me, and rest for about half an hour to make sure it goes down a little, the pregnant lvn says to me. i follow her to a room, and i lie on the bed.

i remember his eyes the most. when i block away the images before me, i see his eyes. i loved how they looked at me, and then how he told me what he saw.

"stop staring at me," i plead.

"how can i?" he responds.

i feel so ugly that night, and i also feel myself so drawn to him.

i know the exact moment it happened, and the exact place. he even asked about it.

i make a liminal decision then, and i tell myself that i will be back to normal. i have to be. i cannot go on like this anymore.

finally, the lvn returns and is apologetic for making me wait. she leads me to a room, and i see the face of a dragon.

any questions? the dragon roars.

none, thanks.

are you sure you have no questions?

yes, thanks.

the dragon breathes fire that comes from her eyes, and i feel scared. she is friendlier before, but now, she has gotten cold, desensitized. thats okay, ive separated from that part of me anyway.

cold. then pain, the dragon warns.

i take a deep breath, and i breathe it into the pain. in yoga once, the instructor tells us, i want you to learn how to breathe in the midst of chaos. she tells us this while we are holding a position where our bodies are shaking because we had been in that state for long.

i wince when i feel this sharpness in a tender area, and i tense my muscles.

relax. this isnt hurting you, the dragon demands.

okay. sorry, my mouth says. the devil in me says, fuck off, bitch, and do your job.

whats wrong? the dragon asks the air.

dear God, please help me. please be with me, i pray to the air.

when she is done, she walks out.

thank you, i say to the air. the air doesnt respond.

i go back and put on my clothes. i need something for the pain. damn, it hurts this time. my memory fails me.

hours later, i find my bed, and i sleep.

keenan, i miss you. where are you? im sorry for fucking up. im sorry for not returning your love. im sorry for not being able to love, for not knowing how to. im sorry. please forgive me.

i wake up, and i am in pain. breathing hasnt helped the last two hours. how do people who live with chronic pain survive? i admire their courage and their tenacity. i dont have it in me.

two in the morning. i am finally comfortable. i sleep. restfully this time.

i wake , and i am ready for this to be over with. the drive there was a blur. what the hell am i saying, what the hell do i hear? what the hell do i see? how do i look?

i enter another room, knowing that when i walk out of it, things will be the way they were. i disrobe, and i wait to be called.

finally. i am on a bed. i see no one, but there are three people there.

good night, one of them says.

i can feel it in my head.

thats the medicine, he says.

is it normal?

yes.

i wake up groggy. i cannot keep my eyes open, so i wake my mind up. think about things. think about matt. think about work. just think. dammit, dont fall asleep.

someone transfers me to a wheelchair. i almost fall. then from the wheelchair, i move to a recliner.

this is nice, i think. but im so cold.

i pull the blanket up to my chest, but it takes so much effort. i will think myself to warmth.

voices become clear. i open my eyes, and see others like me in the same position. someone calls me, and i find the strength to answer.

breathe amongst the chaos, i remind myself.

finally. finally, i am level again. finally, i am able to change to what i came in. finally, i feel back to normal. finally.

i will never be in this position again. i know it. i will not be this person again. i know it. and i am glad.

limina.

devastation...or not

i have fallen for someone. its been a few weeks now. and every time i see him - once a week, tuesdays - it takes me days to get over the thought of him.

he has the best ass, and his accent turns me on. his smile melts me, and when our eyes lock, i know i would do anything to have him in me.

i see him tonite, and he tells the class he is leaving. god, this news almost brings tears to my eyes. dines looks at me for my reaction.

he gathers his things, and he starts walking out. normally, i would have just watched him go, but this time, i muster up my courage.

will you still be teaching at the other gym? i ask.

yes, the one on halstead. on sundays. you should come.

why arent you teaching anyore?

work. i cant get here by 5:30. and if i want to keep my four day work week, i have to work ten hours a day.

what do you do?

i work in production. im a production manager in the city of industry.

four day work week? lazy ass...

he laughs at this.

im maria, by the way.

im pablo.

i offer my hand, and he takes it. and he doesnt let it go. i am not imagining this.

and when i say my name, i hear him take a breath and let out an "ooohhh..." that is quiet but still audible.

i hear this. i know that im not making it up.

come to the gym on sunday, he says as he holds my hand.

when he finally lets go, i tell him, okay, ill come.

i have to see him. he makes me feel like all the issues i have will disappear.

im crazy. i know. im acting like a little girl with a crush, except i dont have the time to write his name and mine in a big, crooked heart.

he is so cute. and i wish i can explain what it is about him that captivates me, but i cant.

its really baffling.

and ive waited too long to do anything about this because now hes gone.

but im going to see him on sundays. no matter what. i will have to sneak out of willals place early. no sleeping in and lounging.

last week is just a fluke anyway.

the girl who takes his place kicks my ass tonite. the only thing that i can do without feeling pain is blink.

she promises results. im going to take her up on her offer.

everything hurts, y'all.

everything.

especially my face because i couldnt stop smiling after that conversation with pablo.

stay tuned...

definitions and temptations

the conversation yesterday turns towards definitions.

so, what do you consider cheating? i ask as i kiss his cheeks.

when you kiss a guy or fuck him.

hhhmmm...okay. well, what if your girlfriend or wife didnt take off her clothes because she was loyal to you, but she turned to him for emotional support. is that cheating?

what do you mean?

lets say that your wife or girlfriend had a guy friend who she went out to lunch with every day, and she was getting very emotionally close to him. and she told him she wouldnt sleep with him because of her commitment to you, but she felt this connection with him. is that cheating?

yes.

even though she didnt have intercourse with him?

yes.

which is the lesser evil, do you suppose?

i dont know. both scenarios are bad.

but which would you consider more of an infidelity?

both.

equally?

possibly.

listen, im not questioning you for battle. im just truly curious as to how your mind works.

you can kiss or fuck a guy, but you wont be with me after that.

wow, that is so macho, baby. but i understand now.

if i kissed a girl or fucked a girl, i would tell you out of respect.

if i kissed a guy or fucked him, i wouldnt tell you. out of respect.

what? why?

because i know how youd get. okay, just needed clarification. but we all have choices, right?

yes, absolutely. you can choose how to react to something.

if a man cheats on me, i want to know every detail.

why?

so i wont wonder what went on. then i would never speak to him again.

i wouldnt want to know.

id make him tell me ever little thing, the way it happened.

crazy.

one afternoon about three weeks ago, he texts me this: ask any woman who has been with a salvadorean man, and they will tell you that they are possessive and territorial men.

i know this about him, and yet, i still bring up things in conversation to make him understand that there are others, but he is the one for now.

i am running away from this. i know it. i can feel it. and its taking all my strength to just remain.

my therapist will be earning her hourly rate this friday.

im going to make sure of it.

dilf

you know any?

i see them everywhere: at trader joes, at restaurants, at bookstores. the beach, the zoo, kidspace museum.

they are dressed in t-shirts, jeans, and sneakers. they look younger than they are.

they are fit, carrying that backpack full of things the little ones may need.

they are frustrated, not knowing what to do when crying and tantrums ensue.

they are hot, sexy, and exhausted.

they seem more attractive running after little versions of themselves.

this last weekend, ive had the pleasure of spending time with a dilf.

what draws me to him is that he loves his little boy so much.

kind of makes me weak, this love of a father for his son.

and i wonder what impact growing up without a father will have on my little boy (who is taller than i am)? i think he will be just fine. at least, that is what i will believe.

my little boy is amazing. just showed me the "a" he got on his first algebra test. what a difference a year makes. last year, he is struggling. this year, he is blooming.

he is a tween. sometimes, he goes from being an angel to being a demon, from being a boy to being a man, from being my baby to being a kid who doesnt need me. from 0 to 60 in 30 seconds flat. or less.

its exciting, this time with him, but very daunting. the dance is very delicate. it will make or break the future of our relationship.

but the dilf i mentioned? he is really wonderful.

but lets not get carried away.

at the end, the dilf will just be a dilf.

of course i am...

Wolverine

You're Wolverine! You have a brave personality and can sometimes be a little dangerous when you're sleeping.

wanna know which x-men character you are?

22 hours

i spend those many hours with willal last night, getting home this evening at around 8:3o. it is a nice time, but you know what? i like having my own place to go home.

there are two new pictures on the brick wall of his loft, and i dont ask about them. it isnt important. theres no need to know.

last night, i get a bit buzzed on gin and cranberry juice. it is a nice combination. i drink it really quickly because i am a bit stung by the news of not getting yet another position. this time, at poly.

he senses something is wrong, but i dont tell him what it is because there is no need to know. he kisses me, and i melt into his arms. this first kiss always does it to me.

the rest of the night is spent talking, kissing, laughing, sucking, but no sex.

the next day, he has an intense orgasm that makes him almost cry. i do not know what to say, so i just hold him with my arms around his body and my chest against his back.

then we start talking about fidelity. i bring it up because i dont know what his definition is. i understand now that the man is so macho, but in a good, strong way.

i leave with a promise to return, but with a caution of time constraints. a kiss goodbye, a hug, and im out the door.

he messages me a lovely thank you, but i return with a two symbol reply: u 2.

my problem is that i have this absolutely debilitating fear of intimacy. today, we talk. for longer than ever. and we laugh. this is what sucks me in.

its been some time since ive felt this remarkably close and in sync with someone that it scares me. i see his eyes, the way they look at me, and i want to run.

he isnt someone im going to be in a commitment with, but as time goes on, it is comfortable. oddly. we have been seeing each other every weekend now for seven weeks, and my patience and interest are growing dim.

but when we get together, there is electricity. there is sweetness. there is genuine like and respect for each other.

there is also distance. neither of us will cross that imaginary line where one confesses feelings. there are allusions to commitment to each other, and the intimacy is apparent when we hold hands or kiss tenderly or glance at each other.

but it isnt enough. i want more. i want something different. from where it started, there is no other place to go but part ways.

seduction is a mysterious thing. he is so amazing, and i tell him this every time before i leave, in case i dont come back.

i need a massage. my body aches. it is a physical two days with him, wrestling, pushing, pulling. no sex.

that part doesnt come to play this weekend.

can you go to hell for this?

this is such an awful confession. two nights ago, i watch a movie that he is in. then last night, i see his familiar words. the same ones that captivate me before.

so, i respond. anonymously. in a way that doesnt require an answer. but he takes the bait and bites. so, i go along with it.

but the truth is, i wont ever meet him again. he is the past. thats where he needs to stay.

his words, however, can seduce me for as long as they would like. they are the best part of him. and that he plays the guitar.

aim high, from alfie

last night proves to be difficult between me and willal.

text messages are great, sexy. conversation, however, turns out to be...labored.

granted, he and i are tired. and horny. so, patience doesnt make an appearance.

plus, its late. and he is tired. i know this. im just testing his stamina.

there comes a point for me when i know im just dragging my ass. that im going through movements. that it isnt anything more than what it is.

the truth is i want to be in a relationship. just not this second. maybe not even this year. perhaps not until i get enough therapy. but i want it.

i want a great romance. a beautiful love that is within a sacred sanctuary. a lifetime of ups and downs but at the end of the night, he and i go to bed happy to be together. grateful for each other. stronger than ever.

and this is what im going to get.

que sera, sera

uh, whatever will be, will be.

rip fb.

it was fun.

but this stupid stringing along shit, and non-commital shit on both of our parts is boring.

ive said it before, i know. but this time, i think i mean it.

and in other news, luro reposted his ad that captivated me. guess who responded to it?

yup.

something stirring inside

but it aint a baby. lets make that clear right now. im sure of it. i have proof.

however, there is a sort of craving that i cant seem to ignore any longer. ive hidden behind a lifestyle that seems to have no room for rest. for quietness.

this is not by design. by nature, i am more of a dreamer than a doer.

i people-watch more than i engage in conversation.

a good book beats a night out with someone i dont like.

i prefer a cable movie to paying for a poor $10-a-ticket movie.

lounging on a lazy sunday morning reading the paper beats running mundane errands.

lately, though, i find myself getting more and more bored with situations. its not secret that i abhor my job, and nothing - not more hours, not more money - can pacify this loathing.

except maybe if that motherf**ker of an administrator self-combusts. that might be slightly entertaining. but it wouldnt change much in me.

my friends have taken on new relationships. every single one of them have found someone, except marba and jado. and no, they will never get together, in case you were wondering. jado cares nothing for her.

while im happy for the newfound loves in my friends lives, im still cautious about their partners. we are all in our thirties, they are closer to the younger side of thirty than i am, and they are now entering relationships with the minds of adults. or not. nevertheless, its exciting.

but im kind of bored with the idea of it for me. why this ennui? i dont know. i cant figure it out. perhaps im not admitting something to myself? maybe im continuing with the suppression technique hoping time will somehow be on my side.

i want to be inspired. i love the fall. maybe with the arrival of the holga camera my friend orders for me, i will take photos that will move me.

hhhhhmmmm...

with one, its purely sexual. which may not be such a bad thing.

with another, its unrequieted. which may not be such a bad thing.

with yet another, its just a fantastic crush. which may not be such a bad thing.

and at the end of the day, i go to bed alone.

which may not be such a bad thing.

the return of my friend

what the fuck is this showtime series sexual healing about? too much wah wah wahing and blah blah blahing. jeezus, people, do you really need to broadcast your problems? you look so fucking stupid. this turns me off to relationships.

sorry, gentle readers, for ranting up there. ive found myself in a snit, and i do not know why. damned moodiness. damned pms. but i hate the show, yet i feel oddly addicted to it.

as you may recall, my friend and i break up on the last day of the last school year. something about how i hurt him. you can reread it here.

today, i am minding my own business, feeling the usual shit-its-monday-here-at-the-shithole blues because i still havent heard from polytechnic, and also because i am wearing something that i am not uncomfortable in.

he comes over today, my friend does, and he watches me as i work with the students. then when they leave, i ask him whats up.

he says, nothing. just came by to visit you.

okay. so, how you been? let me show you my new purchases. two blades. beautiful. sexy. metal. leather.

wow, i guess everyone has a fetish.

yup. not that id ever use them. i just love the way they feel and sound. i flick it open. i close it up. i flick it open again.

so, hey, do you know what a holga camera is?

yes, i do. where did you hear about that?

i just read an article about it. im thinking of getting one.

i read an article, too. wait, where did you read the article?

so, i want to get one, and ill let you borrow it.

its a plastic, cheap ass one, right? for about $20?

yes. but the pictures you can take are amazing.

where did you read the article? la times?

no, i read it in details magazine.

oh, yes, thats right. it WAS in details.

hey, what were you doing reading details? i read the article at willals place. he has it on the coffee table, and i look at it when i am waiting for him or something.

so, you really want to get a holga? cool. i didnt know you were into photography.

yeah, i got into it when i was working at the photography place. this is news to me.

i call him later to find out when he is getting his camera, and i ask him to pick one up for me, too.

in the spirit of keeping things professional, i dont remind him that he and i first go out a year ago this month. he probably doesnt remember these things.

just as well. i hope i get a call from poly tomorrow. i need this so much. my spirit is slowly dying.

time passing, 091101

i allow this to happen. i dont take moments to breathe and to look around at what i have. no, thats not true. every morning, the boy and i pray on our way to work and school, and thats when we take the time to be thankful.

i love what i have. i dont need much, just a place i can own, my nikon d50, a new car, a love. i want to love. i want to love and to make love and to spend my life with a man i love.

what scares me is that as time passes, i will lose the inability to love. to recognize it, to nurture it, to welcome it. i will mold myself into someone who doesnt need to love or be loved. this is frightening.

five years ago, i am driving to work, and i hear the news. one tower is hit. and oh, no...the other one.

i think it is a joke. cruel, unexpected, but not real. it cant be, can it?

i am on my way to work with the kindergarteners. it is early, but in new york city, it is 10 oclock. i somehow propel my mind into not believing what i hear, and i hit all the preset buttons on the radio to hear music.

but no one is playing anything. there is madness of the news of what is happening in every single station i listen to, all 20 of them.

i get to work, and i am stunned. but i somehow manage to take the innocents to the yard for the morning routine of singing the morning song with the rest of the kindergarten class.

i struggle internally with the idea that the twin towers have fallen. it doesnt register that this is an act of terrorism and of hate. in fact, i dont think of anything at all. i just feel incredible sadness.

mercifully, the day passes quickly, and my time with the innocents end. i go to the teachers lounge, and we watch every channel replay the scenes of the morning. when the towers fall, i am numb.

the next few hours pass quickly, and i drive home, noticing every little detail. cars, colors, makes, drivers, lane changes. what had once been common and unnoticeable becomes a part of my paranoia.

the boy is home, and so is exbf. surprisingly. he says he asks to go home early because there might be more attacks. he, too, has become paranoid.

the next day, i go to church for a special remembrance mass. it is beautiful. people are given candles when they walk in, and when everyone is holding one, the lights go off, and this serenity washes over.

amazing grace, God bless america, and america the beautiful are songs that still haunt me today and flood me with emotions connected to five years ago.

my mind cannot grasp what has happened. partly, it is because i block things that i am incapable of facing. rather than deal with issues that are hurtful, i flee from them. i bury them. i ignore them. i mock them, thinking that i had won over the memories.

but its time to confront and heal. i am still so emotional, but now, the emotions have become a bit dull. theyre still there, but with every deep breath i take, i endure the sting they cause.

i do not know what it is like to lose a child or a parent or a sibling or a friend. both my grandparents have died, and i handle their passing by marvelously not dealing with it.

i do not know the emptiness that people feel when a loved one is taken away. i do not know the sharpness of pain that will consume me. i do not know what the next day will bring.

so, i look at my family. my friends. my acquaintances. and i am grateful, down-on-my-knees grateful for who is in my life. the boy and i get into a fight just now, and i hate myself for reacting the way that i do.

i love love love this boy. this love that is so strong that it is bigger than me. but it isnt suffocating. ive learned to not love that way from exbfs 1, 2, and 3.

i want to love now. i want to love and be loved. i want it, even if it is for a short time. even if its just a glimpse, i want to feel again. i want to feel love, eros love, agape love for someone who will return it.

im tired of playing around. maybe im not ready? well, lets face it, im not ready. im not ready to be unselfish. im not ready of giving up certain freedoms and liberties. im not ready to share myself or my boy.

im not dedicated to the idea of having someone else to think about, to include in my erratic plans, to allow into my life.

but just wanting love is enough. for now. eventually, love will find me and envelop me. it will make me stand still and hold me. it will shape me and mold me. it will enter me and leave a mark so deep i will never want to be without it again.

i dont know which one of us is more elusive. and for now, it doesnt matter. i know my reservations and fears about love. some are unfounded, others are deep-rooted from childhood.

one day, im going to feel worthy. because i sure as hell am. so is the boy. feeling and knowing are two different things, though.

a peek into my inner self

i miss the exit to your loft last night. just as well, the quarter-of-a-mile next exit affords me the front view of the church a block away from your place. it is beautiful, and it makes me sad that you do not see much of your neighborhood.

i am a city girl. when i live in the suburbs of chicago, a part of my soul is comatose until i move to la. i love the noises, the danger, the allure, the sexiness of a city. even if it is la.

you buzz me in, and i am excited by the thought of seeing you. the week behind me is complete madness, for lack of a better word.

i cannot seem to find my breath. i work out and do yoga, but i still feel as if my mind is working too fast for its own good. times like these cause me to retreat, regroup, and eventually come out of hiding.

during times like these, i am disconnected from everyone. i run on autopilot, and i am selfish with my time and my thoughts.

during times like these, people seem to want more than i can give. they seem to know that i am empty, that i am spent, but they cannot help demanding.

i make plans with you out of haste, out of hurt because you think i am distancing myself. in an effort to prove you wrong, i go to you, i avail myself to you.

im glad i go over last night. it had been a long time, and i recognize what is happening. for me, any relationship needs to be maintained and nurtured. relationships, such as friendships or nsas, still need that care and attention. it seems that relationships with family, though, can slip under the radar.

you open the door, and i notice the loft is dark. the only light comes from the candles and the light from the kitchen. have i told you i loved your loft? there is such serenity there, such calm. you provide that, youve created that.

you tell me, i havent seen you for awhile.

really? its been madness.

yeah, its been hectic.

you come close to me, and you kiss me. you kiss my mouth, so hot and hungry, that i have to push you away. otherwise, i would melt into you and become part of your skin.

i give you the letter for the week. ive grown accustomed to writing you. you lie on the couch as you read it. i lie next to you, and i unbutton your shirt.

i lick every part i uncover. i cant seem to keep my tongue contained when i see a part of your skin. i love when you suck in a breath as my tongue probes parts of you that cause this reaction.

i must be honest, i love seducing you while you are distracted. i love when you are doing something, and i have a small power to divert your attention to me. im not usually needy, but this sort of challenge is up my alley.

you drop the letter as ive gotten you half naked, and you kiss me as you let your hands wander. you touch my ass, my back, my hair.

i love when you touch my hair. it turns me on when you brush it out of my eyes, or when you move it out of the way so you can see my mouth on your cock.

we move to the bed. you push me on my back, and you find my clit with your tongue. you position yourself so i can suck you at the same time.

i used to love this position with others. with you, i dont. as ive explained, i like to give full attention to either receiving or giving. with you. with others, i was out for my own needs, and i was going through the motions.

i move away from you, and i concentrate on you. you make those sounds that drive me wild and urge me to continue. i want to take photos of us.

you come up with a new maneuver of entering me, and i can hardly stand it anymore, so i release a weeks worth of wetness on you.

i move you out of me, and i find your cock, and i slip it into my mouth. i taste what you have done to me, and i mount you.

i cum so hard and fast this way, with your cock hitting just the right spot, and my clit rubbing against you at just the right tempo.

you watch me cum, and i feel like i am exposed to you. no one has done that out of their own volition, and i find it one of the sexiest things about you.

you turn me over, and you enter me from behind. you seem distant now as you pound into me. i raise my hips a little so you can go deeper.

i move against you, seducing your orgasm to spill all over me. when you finally cum, you wet my lower back, and i feel the heat and the wetness.

you move to clean me up, and i say, no, dont. leave it.

you move over me, and you rub your cock in the wetness. i get so aroused by this, but what comes next is the most amazing thing.

you are still hard, and you find my ass, and you fuck my ass without any synthetic lubrication. it is so easy this time, unlike other times when i am tense. i get frustrated with myself, feeling so inadequate that you cant enter me.

i cum this way, and you collapse on top of me. you move to the head of the bed, and you get comfortable. i join you, snuggle into your arms, but this is awkward for me because i dont usually do it.

i dont cuddle. i dont spend the night. its a rule that i have. but from the first night we spend together, i cant seem to pull myself from you and run off in the middle of the night. with you, i rest.

we lie next to each other, talking. you are tense, so i offer a massage. i am straddling you, looking for the knots that have made a home in your back when your phone rings.

answer it, i urge. you dont move.

i dont give a fuck who is calling right now. ill only answer it if it is my son.

if someone is calling you at one in the morning, then it must be important. answer it.

you get up to get your phone, and i go to the bathroom to give you privacy. this is awkward for me, and something in me changes. i am reminded that there are others who want your attention, and i have to respect that.

youve always been honest that you dont want a relationship, that you arent ready, and i somehow manage to put that thought behind me when we are together.

i dont want a relationship either, but i do want some definition of what we have. do i require it? not really. we can make plans and promises, and those plans can change or promises broken, so i dont care. id prefer to take it one day at a time, but these reminders fuck with me.

i go back to bed, and you explain to me who it was. i hate that you are in a position that you need to pacify me. i listen to you, and you seem sincere. i would hate to think that you were playing me, that you need to because you dont.

youve been honest so far, and in your honesty, trust has been developed, and i want that to continue. its pretty much all i want from you. its the only thing you can give right now.

and its pretty much what i can offer you, too. i respect you, so i am honest with you about others. there hasnt been anyone lately, and i cant believe this has gone on for as long as it has.

it has progressed because you let me be, and you accept me for who i am. this is so good, and i hope it isnt hard to do. i know i may seem a bit distant and mysterious, but please dont question that. just acknowledge it the way you have been doing.

i fall asleep in your arms, and when i instinctively move away, you ask me where i am going. i move back to be closer to you, but it takes awhile before sleep finds me.

i toss and turn, and thank God you are a heavy sleeper, otherwise, youd know my sleeping problems. im not accustomed to sleeping next to someone. even in the past, i always manage to move to the other side of the bed. its my need to be alone.

i wake up to the sound of my alarm. its so early. i look to you, and you are sleeping. i have to get ready for work, and because it is the last day of the class, i must be there.

i hate to do this, but i get up from the comfort of your bed and blankets, and i make my sleepy way to the bathroom.

i love your mirror. the position of it makes me look less shitty. i get ready, and i am conscious of the fact that im here still, instead of at home. i smile a sleepy smile.

i find you still asleep, facing away from me as i walk towards you. i touch your arm, and you wake a little. you look at me, and you smile.

i have to go now. do you think the gate is opened?

yeah, it should be. they open it at 630.

okay, but if it isnt...

just call me, and ill open it for you.

okay. well, thank you. bye. im so fucking bad at how to say good bye properly. i feel so rushed. there isnt transition at all.

im free tonite. but im going out with my friends.

do you want me to come over?

well, it might be late.

okay. let me know.

i kiss you good bye, but the kisses turn to more kisses, and eventually, i find myself between your legs. to the naked eye, this thing between us is more sexual than anything, but i dont feel it is solely based on sex.

i look at the clock, and i calculate that i have only about 20 minutes to stay. i suck you as you watch me, then i move up and guide your cock in me. i love when you do this, you tell me.

i move against you, and your plow it deeply into me, and i cum within two thrusts. and i cant make myself get off of you, even though i am aware that the clock is ticking.

im going to be late, so i dismount you, and i clean up, and i kiss you goodbye.

i ride the elevator with a smile on my face. its going to be a good day.

fear of intimacy and other fun stuff

i know what is happening. i can feel it in my veins. the change in my breathing, the fast pace of my thinking, the panic that is coming over me.

i am to go to willals tonite because yesterday, his birthday, he sends me a text that reads i sense you are distancing yourself. know that i respected you from day one.

i feel caught. it is true, i have been doing so, slowly. i do not call or text him as much, and i make myself unavailable.

partly, it is because i am tired from the daily grind. mostly, it is because of my fear of getting too close to someone, especially someone who i can potentially like but not see myself with.

it isnt him. its me. he is a good person, respectful, sweet. but heres the thing: i dont want him. i dont want HIM. i dont want him to know me other than in this physical way.

sputnikdog thinks willal likes me more than i think he does. im not sure. does he? i dont know. i dont care. and then this is the part that becomes convoluted: do i not know, do i not care because i really dont know or care...OR...is it because i am so clueless that i do not know or do not care?

this is my private hell. this thing with willal shouldnt have lasted more than the first meeting (i cant even call it a date). it shouldnt have gone on this far. i shouldnt have spent the night.

do i regret it? do i want to end it? no. to both counts.

he is so amazing. when we are together, it isnt just great sexually, but there is also a connection. he is strong, i feel it, but he isnt overpowering. thats what i like.

and that he doesnt demand anything from me, well, that is an added bonus. but i do things, stupid things, out of fear.

i recognize what the root of my actions are, why i need to do these things, and with whom. im in a bad place right now. i need to get away.

its also trust issues, too. mostly mine. i sense that my jealousy is welling up inside, and let me tell you, theyre unfounded.

if anything, im the one who sabotages this by bringing up guys. its two-fold why i do it. first, i want to ensure that he knows my options are open. second, i want him to feel lucky that i choose him.

god, im so twisted. i just read that, and i have to admit that im so fucking twisted.

ive been going to therapy, and last weeks session is really excellent. i am opening up, being more accepting of my faults and shortcomings. its a long, arduous process, but i am ready to go through it.

my therapist asks me what i want from these sessions. sputnikdog asks me what i want for myself. and my answer is very simple. i want to be a better person, someone worthy of love and commitment, someone who can stand still in chaos and not run away like a child.

i want to be in a relationship. that is the goal. but first, i have to overcome and face these hurdles that stand in my way. some of the hurdles are intrinsic, others are not. but i have to be courageous and accept them as my own.

changes

ive had it with this shit hole. ive had it with the assholes in this shit hole, but i love my students so much. they make me want to become a better person, to strive to be a better teacher, but most of all, they make me feel so good.

which is why it is time to leave. i mean, i want to leave on a good note, not be burned out. yesterday, when i return to work, everyone seems concerned i am not there on tuesday. its funny, but i think people are holding their breath to see if i actually make do on my promise to make some changes.

i cant deny it anymore, either, that there is some sexual tension between me and my friend. more on his part than on mine, but still, it exists. what to do, what to do? as always, i will do nothing.

it isnt that i dont want to, but he closed the door on possibilities, and if he wants something to happen, he will have to do the legwork.

i dont know what he wants from me, if anything. he looks at me, but he looks away when my gaze matches his. i know if he doesnt leave my eyes first, then i will surely do it.

i have to limit my exposure to him. and to willal. willal sends me a text message about me being distant. i dont understand. he doesnt want a relationship, so im only available for physical fun.

nothing will ever happen between me and willal in terms of relationship. i honestly dont know what he wants, but to be honest, i dont really want to know. he is still broken, unhealed.

i pray that i have an opportunity to leave this shit hole. i also would like to somehow, some way, some day, meet the man who will infiltrate my soul.

beginnings and endings

the last six weeks have been fun. i am unable to snap into my school/work/single mother mode yet, so i take today off.

im ready now to end things with willal, and this breaks my heart in a way that i dont count on, even with preparation. i wish i could reason this out and not feel pain, but i cant.

it stings a little. i dont regret spending time with him, dont regret anything ive done with him or to him, but i know that its eventually going to end, so why not do it sooner than later?

the other day, frasa leaves a message on my voicemail saying he is requesting a transfer because he can no longer work with our asshole principal. this crushes my heart, and the shock takes my breath away.

i, too, feel the need to escape, to exit gracefully. i abhor the asshole principal, his ugliness is overshadowed by his laziness. he is terribly negative energy, and i cannot stand him. he is so vile.

i pray that there is a last minute switch in the line up, that i will be offered a position somewhere. im holding my breath for this, while i go to work and have fun.

homework beckons me, but first, a quick shower and some mini tacos from trader joes. yummy.

sunday

he is tipsy when i get to his house. he meets me in the parking lot, and like always, i am a bit distant and shy. he greets me with a kiss, and he murmurs that its been awhile since hes seen me.

i hand him the gatorade and water that he asks me to buy him earlier in the evening, and i carry up the bag of goodies for his birthday.

we get into the loft, and he kisses me. hard. hungry. i suppose it had been awhile, but this is his choice. but it is also circumstance.

i push him away from his kisses and lead him to the couch. i sit him down, and i begin to give him his presents. the first one i offer is the letter. writing to him has become a weekly endeavor. it is a release of what is built up in me.

his responses are always the same. he cant believe these words are intended for him. like i can put words of intimacy together for just anyone. he is humbled that i think of him in that way, that he is important.

the next one i give him is a birthday card that i write when im in a rush. i had forgotten what i had written, until he laughs at something that takes him for a loop.

i bring out my favorite gift to him, a matted picture of the bottom half of a statue i take when i am at the palace of fine arts in san francisco. i love this because it is a perfect shot. and it looks so good in the frame, really professional. it reminds me of what i aspire to be.

the picture is also orgasmic for me because it is highly personal. i dont give these types of gifts, especially to someone i dont know very well.

he loves the picture as much as i. he looks at it for a long time. at first, i think he is falling asleep, but i think he is trying to figure out if it is an original. i tell him it is, that i had shown him the picture before.

i take the frame for him, and i pull out a purple dish where i place a purple candle and take out another purple candle, smaller and a lighter shade. he smiles and laughs. its his favorite color.

the bag is almost empty now, except for a box and twelve purple votives. he doesnt think there is more, so i wait dramatically. and i reach in for the box.

i give it to him, and he is really curious. he looks at the name on the box, the silver letters that spell out kenneth cole collection new york.

he struggles with pulling the box apart, like i do when i first try to open it. he sees it, sees the black, square faced watch with a brown leather strap. and now, he is speechless.

speechless. this is how i want to affect all when i give them something. i havent done it for a long time, given something of significance to someone who is not my significant other.

he sits there looking at it. i must admit, it is very beautiful. simple and beautiful. it is the first that catches my eyes through the glass casing at the department store, and it is the one i know will silence this man.

he looks at it, then he looks at me. the whole time, he has a smile on his face. he is very touched by my gesture. but i become somewhat uncertain if that is what he is feeling.

i tell him if he doesnt want it, i can return it for a different one. he tells me that he loves kenneth cole, and it is exactly what he is looking for. he looks at me. stares at me.

i become uncomfortable, and i tell him to please not make this weird. to not act weird. to please just be normal. please. because i dont know how to act.

he puts on the watch finally, looks at it on his wrist the way i do when i try it on earlier. it looks handsome, and i feel proud of my choice.

he opens his arms for me to come to him, and i do. he kisses me, kisses intermittent with thank yous. my heart is warmed and content with my production.

i whisper to him that i will have to go soon, and he stops completely. his face shows confusion, as he tries to grasp the words.

i have to go soon, i tell him again.

okay. why?

i just do. i told you earlier, didnt i? i thought i told you that i would be leaving by 1?

yes.

so.

thank you for my gifts. you really have to leave?

leave. yes. must leave. im tiring of this whole arrangement. his unavailability and my inability bore me, and i feel that there is nothing else on the other side of the glass.

of course, there isnt. hes told me this countless of times. i have to listen. i have to listen and make choices. and i have. it breaks me, but i have made a choice.

i set up the candles and light them. i turn off the lights to make it more moody.

i kiss him again, and he holds back. i dont want to get started with anything if you have to go so soon.

what? why not? we have 45 minutes. come on.

do you really have to leave?

okay, okay. ill stay for a little while. now, come.

i lead him to the bed, and we stand there kissing and hugging. i take off his shirt and kiss his chest. he takes off my shirt and pushes me down on my back. he coaxes my skirt off, and before he climbs in, he rids himself of his pants.

we lie down next to each other, and just talk. catch up. kiss. touch. smile. laugh. giggle. confess. listen. understand. cum. fuck. fuck. cum. cum. fuck.

it is intense, like always. i find that with my virgo men, there is energy and heat between us. we could just be sitting next to each other, talking about a show on tv, and then we touch, and its off to wonderland.

i look at the clock. he asks me what is wrong.

hey, baby, its late. is the gate open, you think?

the gate? to the parking lot?

yes. who opens and closes it?

the tenants. you have to open it and close it manually.

oh, well, when i pulled it, it was open.

yes, i opened it for you.

aaahhh...yes. so, can you please wake up?

i dont understand. are you okay?

yes, but i have to go.

youve stayed before. whats up?

nothing, baby. nothing.

come here, then.

i go to him. and he kisses me. the whole time, i am asking myself why it is that i feel like running away. i dont know. boredom? restlessness? fear of intimacy? the coffee earlier? panic? anxiety?

we talk. we laugh. it is simple again, and this is what i need. i dont want to push him away, but i know it isnt going to go anywhere, but i do not feel i am wasting my time.

i blow out the candles, grab a water, and go back to bed. i fall asleep away from him. he knows i dont like to cuddle, but there are times in the night where i put his arms around me, and i snuggle into the crook of his arms.

this is always done when he is asleep, and he doesnt remember. but when i put my hand in his hand, he interlocks his fingers with mine. he does this when he is in me, too. it drives me wild for some reason.

i wake up in the morning, and i know that we wont be spending the day together because i have plans. problem is i dont know his plans, so i wake him up with kisses. and licks. and touches.

he enters me from behind, and i remind myself to relax. i take a deep breath, relieving all tension in that area. he moves slowly, making sure i am not in too much pain, and he raises my hips higher. then he is completely in me, and i continue to breathe and relax.

when i push against him, he knows that i am enjoying it, so he moves my hand to my clit, and he massages it with me.

i love this position, even though it is frustrating sometimes to get into it. thank goodness for lube.

when we finish, he falls asleep again, and i make plans for the day. i am talking on the phone when he wakes up startled, and he jumps up mumbling something about a soccer game.

he goes to the bathroom, and he turns on the shower. he comes out to me, and he hugs me and says thanks for his gifts. i know this touches him, this simple act of giving.

we hug and kiss, and then he lifts my skirt up. i push his hands away, and i remind him that he has to go to his game. he kisses me, hugs me, and tells me im right. that he does have to go.

ten minutes later, i have visions of me bent over, grabbing the counter, pushing my ass against his cock, cumming, and satistfied. we finish in time, when my phone rings, and it is my mother.

i talk to her for a quick second, hoping she doesnt hear me out of breath and asking why. i tell her i will call her later, and then i go to the bathroom where he is taking a shower.

you okay? he asks me.

yes. man, that was amazing. ive never had it that way.

really?

yes...

good.

it was. it was...wow.

really?

yes.

he finishes his shower, and my phone rings again. i dont answer, and we continue the conversation. he gets dressed, and we walk out together.

i know that this is going to become infrequent because i am getting bored. but i love it. and i will continue until it becomes too serious or lack of time or if he and i meet others.

its always a great time with him. always.