devastation

this afternoon, roca left a catastrophic message on my voicemail: hey, m. our pharmacist is in jail for two felony counts. his bail for one is set at $80 grand and no bail is set for the other. i dont know what he did to get in this situation, but it looks like we will need to find another pharmacist for awhile.

shit.

because i was thinking of starting up again with the herbal meds. however, my supply is in such short demand.

in other news, tomorrow is the karaoke fundraiser during lunch, and lewol and i will be singing a classic, i will survive.

its a last minute decision, and i dont think i will collaborate with lewol again because shes just no fun under stress. i mean, shes wishy washy and shit, and it drives me crazy.

work has been fantastically busy lately. but of course, even when my door is closed, i have had to tell my students, im sorry, but i will be emotionally and physically unavailable for you guys until next week.

next, ill have to tell teachers. except today, the delicious mr. black stopped by upon my request so i can invite him to my birthday celebration on saturday.

he is so cute, but he doesnt have nice hands. he tells me hes going to costa rica to fish, and i find this so...cute. he chartered a boat for his trip. of all the things to do in costa rica, hes going to fish.

the guy is an adventurer. i love that so much.

i was advised by mr. jones to get into a little bit of trouble. in fact, he gave me permission to fuck someone. how could i explain that because of w, i cant?

w put this fucking mental block curse on me, and until i figure out how to get away from it, i have to live in it.

i cant wait until vacation.

let go and let God

i want to leave the district, but if the budget cuts are any indication of what is to come, i probably will have to stay.

but i dont want to stay. i want to escape from my cage and just...be free.

fuck, i miss w so much that my heart is breaking open.

a year ago

today is my mothers sixty-first birthday. on her sixtieth birthday, she was in the hospital, unable to eat any solid food, unable to move without dragging an iv with her, unable to celebrate it properly.

tonite, however, i believe my sister did something for her, but i dont know because i had class. im so tired again, the kind of fatigue that sedates me, that makes me retreat into my inner self and stay there in a daze.

im so grateful that the damned rain has stopped because my ceiling leaked for a few days. and it was cold, so i bought a heater that im going to return because it really does not help my cause at all.

next friday, my photography class is going to start, and i cannot fucking wait. i know ill be so wiped by the time friday rolls around, but you know what? its going to be worth it. i know.

i know this because my spirit yearns for some creative outlet, and i have to do something to release this pent up energy.

im done with a. duh. that was a no-brainer, and frankly, im glad because hes so...boring. hes a nerd, not the way igra is a nerd in that sexy, i-want-to-molest-you-badly sexy way, but more in the dude-youre-fucking-getting-on-my-nerves way.

and it isnt his fault. i reiterate again that all this is me, all this is because of the way i feel about myself. and in a way, its kept me honest.

because he is a nice guy, and if he wants someone, he should totally go for it. there was no physical attraction, nothing that made me want to just fuck him, nada.

and so tonite, i saw my friend abc, and i was so attracted to him, so wanting to make out with him. there was tension, i know it, i felt it, and i want to instigate it.

he knows my story, and i know his, so we are not in danger of...oh, say...deceiving ourselves. because theres no need. i mean, he was pretty burned earlier by some girl, and he knows my pain from w, so we are on the same page.

but i kind of blew him off. my problem is i dont know how to say adios. vansa, he, and i were talking, and i had mentioned to vansa our messages, and when she said, im getting in my car, im cold.

i said, okay, bye, abc.

and jumped into the car with vansa so she can give me a ride to my car. thats it. just like that.

i wish i could have been more suave. i wish i could have said something more. but yet, i was just gone.

but its all good. i am so not in the mood for anything, and i know why.

my birthday celebration is on saturday, and i just sent the evite today. i know, im running late, but so what?

im going to take my camera, and im going to snap away.

its going to be a good time, i know, because im inviting some really awesome drunks, all except katma. shes an alcoholic, and im nervous when shes around with any beverage that is not suited for those under 21.

im going to stand under the hot water now, and let it wash the day away. im so glad that ill be done with this program soon, and hopefully, ill be at gusd. if thats where im supposed to be, i want to be there.

but i wonder where this masters is going to take me? i dont want to settle being a high school guidance counselor. its fun, but ive outgrown the system. i only have a few years left of this. about four more, or five, depending on how much gusd gives me if im hired there.

i think its hard for others to think out of the box, and so when i mention to them that i want to do something else besides counseling, they freak out. they want to find a way to grasp the idea that im not conventional, and when they cant, they pigeonhole me.

i dont blame them. i know i run people ragged about my decisions. to them, they seem sudden, but to me...well, ive thought about them for a long while.

im too tired to move. i just want to...sleep.

in the burbs

im so grateful the rain has stopped at least for today because ive missed the sun and the temperate temperature. my soul is affected by the weather, and i can only be pensive and reflective for so long before i become sick of myself.

lets catch up, shall we? first, i met a the other night when he came with me to get a heater. he kissed me hard in the elevator in the parking lot, and i looked at him and blurted out, dont do that again. youre 27, for christs sake.

okay, so not very romantic, and i know why i didnt respond to him the way i would have had it been two years ago. he doesnt move me the way w did. and im not trying to compare anyone to him, not at all, i promise, but when i close my eyes, when i want to feel warm, i involuntarily go back to a time with him.

funny, the only time i didnt think of him was when i was with calo, and even though that was so deliciously sinful, it was also juicy and amazing.

i think the whole thing with 27 year olds is this: its really fun and carefree and no threat of it being real for me, but thats just it. for them, some of them, they cant help but feel something that i dont.

second, the last week was such a struggle to be in my cage, even being there only two days. yesterday, i went to an awesome conference at woodbury university, and i saw some fantastic looking professors and department chairs.

i have a thing for architects. i dont know where this fascination came from originally, perhaps my love of structural wonders and reading dwell magazine have something to do with it. ive always wanted to marry an architect or become one myself.

heres a secret: before i went into my masters program, i seriously toyed with the preoccupation to go to sci-arch for a masters in architecture. i inquired about cost and time, and unfortunately, because i wasnt fierce then, and probably because thats not where i belonged, i ended up here and here instead.

i dont wish for anything to be different. i dont regret my decision to be where i am at this juncture because im in love with my job with the kids (the environment and the people not so much) and because i think im good at it. i just cant stand this district anymore, and i will begin my quest for better pay and more support soon.

i talked to g(*) finally last night. it had been too long, and i found myself endeared to him even more because of his story and his history. if ever there was an opportunity to photograph him in the nude or entangled with another body, im going to be there with my camera.

oh, and guess what? i registered for my photography class. its on fridays from 430 p.m. to 10 p.m., complete with a lab and lecture. i cannot tell you how my spirit waits for this.

i hope to start up a photo business with clients from lines' servelist of stay at home moms and their little ones. lewol the other night out of the blue steps into my office and says, m, you really need to take pictures for money. ill be your business partner and take care of the finance and the scheduling and stuff.

really? what made you think of this?

you have to. look at your pictures. you know what? youre going to need me because as a creative person, you probably would have difficulty setting prices and doing organizational stuff.

youre right.

and ill be firm about the pricing. i have no problems with that.

its really funny that she and i are synchronized in some way. megbro is doing her own business venture with walk and talk therapy.

im going to meet with the amazing spirit distev in a few weeks because she wants to interview me for her dissertation, then im going to interview her about the ways my masters can help me out. im not afraid to think out of the box about this one because i believe God will lead me to where it is i am needed.

and one last thing. abc is a kid im taking classes with. theres something so sexy about him, and its not his face. today, i messaged him because his coworkers were at the conference, and they were so fucking cool, and when i left, one of them said, you would fit right in at our school.

wow, thank you so much. id love to check it out, but im leaving the district.

dont leave counseling, though, because kids need someone to fight for them.

abc said that one counselor was leaving, so he said to go to his school. i messaged, ill see. but if i get a job at your school, we cant have sex in my office.

okay, my office, then?

perfect. but im big on discretion.

confidentiality always.

he and i havent spoken for months because i didnt take a class, but the last time we talked, he listened to me whine about w.

we never really flirted when we were together, but sometimes on text, we insinuated. hes 27, a single father, and i dont think hes attracted to me, but who knows?

we shall see.

stay dry out there, y'all.

and be well.

surprises

i called that guy last night, left a message, but as of yet, i havent heard from him. which is no big deal. sometimes, you make an instant connection...and thats all it is.

and it did wonders for my self-esteem, which i have to admit has been a bit low. its because i havent had the chance to meet people, to talk, to have fun. im still in my self-imposed exile, but its almost done. im sick of it.

i had to take a mental day today because when i awoke, i honestly couldnt make myself get up and prepare for a day of shit ahead.

it wasnt fatigue. i had plenty of sleep. it was lack of motivation, lack of desire, and ive learned about myself that i have to go with how i feel.

last night, a and i had a long talk. earlier on sunday night, when i was on my way home from vansa, he wanted to meet up at starfucks, but i declined.

he threw a bf (thats bitch fit, if you didnt know), and he said, you know what, m? im not going to ask you again. im done with this.

wait, youre done with this?

yeah. i am.

okay, then good bye.

bye.

i was stunned, and as usual, i was a bit stung. but i know that it takes so much mental stamina to ride with me, so i completely understood.

i called dines, and she said, youve invested too much to let this go. and you did tell him you would meet him, and you didnt.

i know...youre absolutely right.

call him and apologize.

i will. i like him. he seems to understand me.

of course i didnt call him. i was a bit pissed and hasty, but more importantly, i was functioning on two hours of sleep.

so i emailed him. apologized. admitted he was right. wished him luck. and ps...im here if you want to resume.

i had to, you know? because he really is so cool. and he speaks spanish to me the way calo did.

he understands me, he doesnt push me, except when he cant stand it anymore.

last night, we laughed a lot. i teased him, and he played along. it was funny.

then he said, ive learned so much from you, you know.

oh? like what?

well, before you, i thought there were only two types of sex...fucking or making love.

and now?

i havent yet found a word to describe it, but its almost...spiritual.

but we havent had sex yet.

i know, but this is just how i feel. you know, youre sensual, but its more than that. and its too soon to use the word love to describe this.

uh, very premature.

see, its like this. hes a kid. of course hes only learning about the variety of sex out there. not that i know it all, but i learned so much.

i asked, how many women have you been with?

uh, nine.

really.

yeah. you?

well, im a bit older than you, so more than nine.

how many? i dont care.

three.

really? come on...i can handle it.

so i told him. and he didnt really react at the number.

then we talked about anal sex.

ive only done it with one person.

and did you enjoy it? he asked.

with him, yes. because i trusted him. and there was an air of intimacy and connection and expression. it was really amazing with him because it was him. i initiated it.

why?

because i wanted HIM to do it.

and then i missed w all over again. well, not all over again. its still there, this empty space inside of me the shape of him.

the past year with w was like a hurricane, a devastating tornado. and now, im left to sift through the debris to realize who he was to me.

i dont regret it. i knew it was going to end eventually. i just wish he knew the real me, and i the real him.

thats what i regret the most. that we never moved past that stage.

and we never will.

a very lovely sunday

friday, roca, addi, and i went for a walk around the rose bowl. the road was empty, and the wind was really chilly, but it was fun.

after, i went home and tried to get warmed, but i couldnt. so, i went to bed. oh, i talked to my lovely 27-year-old a. im going to stop saying his age. but its so cute.

the next day, lines called to have brunch, so we all met up. dines and i planned to go get a drink at the edendale to see if it would be a good place for my birthday celebration.

the boy and i got our hairs cut, and then we had dinner. it was really good to hang out with him. i bought us some bum gloves, but his were more expensive. i also bought him a shirt and a beanie.

when we finally got home, i was running late, and i still had to shower. i was hoping dines would cancel, but she said, i showered, and we are going for sure.

i wasnt impressed with the place, but i did see an amazing-looking man with brown curly hair, the perfect amount of shadow, light skin, and an accent i would die for.

did i talk to him? of course not. i just overheard him on the phone.

when i got home, i called a, and we talked until 4:3o in the morning. i know i should have just gone over to his place, but i wasnt in the mood. i was kind of achy and tired and yuk.

sunday was a perfect day, though, even after only 2 hours of sleep.

i took the boy to school by 7:15 so he can board the bus that will take the tri-city orchestra to disneyland for a performance. when i got back home, i tried to nap, but i couldnt, so i got ready to meet vansa at her church.

okay, i mentioned that i wanted to experience newness, and i did. the church was so simple, but the music coming from the organ, the voice of the lead of the choir, the sermon...all was fantastic. i was humbled. and it reminded me again of the power of the human spirit to create the environment.

i met vansas parents, her sister, and her niece, and we all went to a hole in the wall mexican place in highland park for lunch. it was so chill, man, and i loved it. i love getting out of my element.

after, we went back to vansas place, and then took an hour to get her kids ready for the photo shoot at the park. her children are so beautiful, and when i get my act together, im going to get a website for my photo and my business. im going to do this by june, hopefully, after my photo class which starts in a few weeks.

it was getting a bit cold for the kids, so we took them home. the plan was to watch juno, but i was so tired that if i were in the dark, id be snoring.

mercifully, there wasnt anything available until 7, so instead vansa and i went to get coffee at the coffee table in the artsy eagle rock.
and this is where it gets good.

this oh-so-adorable boy (you know the features i love: dark eyes, goatee, intensity) asked, what can i get started for you?

v said, i want something creamy, and sweet, and hot.

i whispered to her, girl, you want semen? (okay, i know, im not the most mature one here.)

the boy said, how about mocha? ill use chocolate syrup and powdered cocoa?

i said, yeah, ill take that. but with nonfat milk and whip cream.

the guy behind the register snickers, and i look at him and said, are you making fun of my order?

no, but its kind of funny. its like when i order beer battered fish and chips and french fries with a diet coke.

we make small talk as im ordering, and he gave me a slice of carrot cake for free.

vansa and i found a table within sight of this couple making out. either they loved pda, or they lived at home and cant do it anywhere private, but they were annoying.

when we got our food, the guy came over, and said, you guys okay? is there anything else you need?

i said, yeah, a massage.

youll have to wait until 9 when i get off for that one.

cool. i didnt notice it on the menu.

when vansa and i finished, he came back to the table and said, you guys are lucky you came tonite.

i said, oh? why?

because its my last night here.

then youre the lucky one. why are we lucky?

because you never would have met me.

he got a position as director of asian studies at lmu, and he just moved to cali three months ago after having lived in china for five years. (incidentally, a lived in china for awhile to study, too.)

he said he was a filmmaker, and he asked what i did. vansa actually told him, and i piped in, but i really want to be a photographer.

he said, my father is a photographer, and i had a show in baltimore a few years ago.

this is when i got interested. i asked him if he would help me on my technical stuff. he offered.

i said, do you have a card or something?

no. do you?

no. its okay.

well, i can write my number down, or you can just enter it in your fancy phone.

oh, good idea.
after he gave it to me, he said, okay, now call me back so i can have your number, and when you call, ill know who it is.

he stuck around a little while longer, then when he left, vansa said to me, he is cute! and he is so interested.
what? how do you know?

because the whole time he was answering my questions, he was looking at you. its like i wasnt even here.

really? i didnt notice.

i know...i wanted to kick you because when he was looking at you, you were looking all over the place. i wanted to tell you, m, make eye contact with him.

okay, so im dense. but he was cute.

and i love his name.

now, im going to say good night, get into bed, and call this man to wish him luck tomorrow on his first day at work.

wish me luck because i would love to stare in his eyes for a long ass while.

celebrating the end of a crap week

i think the winter blahs hit me later than the usual christmas holiday week. the past five days were so amazingly difficult to get through even though there were moments of sunshine.

i love my kids. all of them. even the ones who fucking make me sick, i love. and if it werent for them, id be gone.

i flake out on roca and hanga last night. i declined drinks for today with yjc, ho-el, mardo, and dines. and now, my cute little 27 year old, a, just asked me to go over. but i said no.

im just not in the mood, you know? my body is tired, and its fighting off a cold, i can feel it. im pretty stressed out because of my mom being in the hospital, and i hold my breath until she gets out. hopefully in a week, but last night, there was a damned scare because her heart rate was too high.

im freaking out again, and i need w and his warmth. but i dont even know him anymore.

im still celibate, and earlier, dines asked me how long it had been.

six months, i said.

i beat you? i had sex before you did?

yeah, i guess.

wow.

this is really delicate for me. if i dont play this right, i will forever be searching for w in every guy i meet, and i dont want that.

its the body-is-your-temple thing, huh?

pretty much. and if i wanted to, i couldve gotten laid, but im not going to fuck myself over like that.

yeah, i know.

its not for lack of opportunities.

boy, do i know that. you have admirers. like this boy.

yeah, we might hang out on sunday. hes a sweetheart. he calmed me last night when i told him about my mom.

really?

yeah.

i guess if its just sex, he wouldve just not been around. guys dont stick around when women are in that state.

right?

i havent said much about a. hes a sweet boy, and hes applying to law school, so this is going to be short term. im just purposely not rushing it because i like this kid, and i dont want to fuck it up so quickly.

you know, hes always saying to me, dont overthink it.

he doesnt know what the hell he is saying, so i told him, you should be grateful im not being impulsive.

and its been easier to exercise self-control, although there are times when i miss that part of me. and i miss w so bloody much.

but that part of my life is closed.

theres a lesson to be learned in all of this, he told me once.

im still waiting.

enough

i want to be consumed with thoughts of another. i want to be taken by him and be fucked slowly yet hard. i want to meet someone who will take my breath and then breathe new life into me.

i want to open my life up, open my eyes to new sights, my ears to new sounds, my skin to new sensations. i want to run as fast as i can towards the edge, putting fear in my back pocket, feeling alive and awake.

i want to take this photography class, break free from this period of nonchalance, and create beautiful images...and sell them.

i want to taste a mans essence again, smell his scent mixed with mine, hear him say my name.

i want to redefine what it is i am doing with my masters, think out of the box when it comes to my career, feel the fear and overcome it anyway.

i want a change, but the good parts of my life, the good parts of me, i want those to remain forever the same.

and i am ready. i want the universe to hear me declare that, loud and clear, without any slurring or misunderstanding. i want the universe to conspire to bring me these things.

and more.

the more part is what excites me.

must be the wind

but i doubt it.

ive been struggling lately to drag my ass to work and to do what i have to do until june.

yesterday, i escaped from my cage and visited carlo just because his class is so creative and inspirational, but even he couldnt help my deep ennui and distaste for my job right now.

the other night, i had coffee with his girlfriend lupak. its a small, intertwining little world with a great sense of humor. of course i dont tell her about our conversation, and i dont even tell her that he and i have met before. that would be tacky.

she loves him, and i dont blame her. shes got a jadedness about her, but still an innocence, a hope that wants to hold on. and i think he provides that for her. besides, three years later, i dont regret not doing anything with him. hes just not my type.

i need to somehow figure out how to break this vow of celibacy because i think its time. ive given myself time to grieve, time to heal, time to be better, and maybe its time.

who knows?

we shall see.

my birthday is coming up, and dines wants to go to this bar where g goes. this should be very interesting, especially if hes there.

oh, we arent inviting him. he hasnt spoken to me, and he wont, which is fine. i like that about him.

so, heres to a better tomorrow.

crap day

it started out well this morning. i saw quinto, said hello, and he grabbed my arm, stopped me, and said, you look really good.

it was around 7:15 this a.m., so of course, nothing registered. in fact, i remember not even reacting to it and walking away.

it was only when i had coffee that i realized what he had said. after work, i saw him, and he looked at me and at yjc and said to me, you have to make a decision between me and him.

really? why do i have to choose just one?

i hugged him, and he kind of kissed my jaw. usually, he greets me with a kiss on a cheek, but this time, it was kind of sexy.

and it left me in a stupor because it has been awhile since someone kissed me. i mean in a way that made me feel desired.

whatever. im not going to do anything with him. hes married. and hes a salvi. it would fuck me up in a big way.

but i just didnt like my day today. it was kind of blah. i think i didnt eat, so i was hungry, and then it was just downhill from there.

i cant stand my office sometimes, so i went to talk to carlo, and he gave me a card that is a call for artists. im going to register for it. i have to.

hes so awesome, but a bit of an artists soul. conflicted. rebellious. cool. and i love it.

i always hear g's voice saying, dating people at work is so lazy.

not that i will shit where i eat. im not really inspired. whatever.

im going to bed.

tomorrow will be the first day where i have nothing to do after work. oh, except to register for classes.

photography.

and field studies 2.

soon, i tell myself, soon.

so bored...continued

ive been reflecting on my current state of ennui. it isnt so much a choice, but its a stage, and i have to kind of sit this one through. because a lot of change is coming, and im so excited.

w said his ancestors felt change in the air, and i value that so much about him, his ties to his culture. i love what he shared with me when we were together.

one night, we were looking up at the sky from his loft, from his bed, and we talked about something that was so amazing and magical. and that endeared me to him even more.

and i miss him.

there are two 27 year old boys in my radar right now, and one is really becoming a good friend, and the other is just becoming.

this could be fun.

so bored

lately, the quality of people (men) ive been meeting hasnt been up to snuff. in other words, there is no chemistry or connection, and i have to accept it, cut it off, and move on.

because im so aware of that now. before, i didnt care if someone was interesting. i mean, yeah, of course, i love stories, but if there is nothing that catches me and keeps me, im gone.

like this week. ive been emailing with this little boy, and at first, it was kind of promising. he seemed like there was a lot to say, but tonite, it just hit a wall. so, im pretty done. cute, but so fucking uninteresting.

and the other 27-year-old, a...well, hes nice, and i thought he understood my mercurial disposition, but then he started asking me the wh-questions: where did you go? who did you spend time with? when are you coming back?

shit like that. and im thinking, wait a minute, kid, im not your girlfriend.

so i dont give him anymore than he needs to know. or i just dont respond. i dont want to.

yesterday, my boy and i went to the suburbs to spend time with the family. my mom is going in for surgery on the 16th, and this time, im not freaking out like i did before because i know why shes going in. its just a second part to the first surgery from last year, so its all good.

it was fun again, and i love being around people who love me and want nothing from me. ive needed this to soothe my soul, and im so fortunate that i have love like this in my life.

and the guy at work. well, hes cute, but again, so uninteresting.

or its me. im just not interested in further developing a relationship. or a friendship.

theres a lull in my life right now. its the in-between phase. im waiting for class to start at the end of january and beginning of february, waiting to go off-track, waiting for the right guy to come along and save me from the mundane.

once the ball gets rolling, then im off again.

my boy isnt going to japan this year, but next year, he will definitely be doing some sort of program. so, im praying that i will be at gusd at the end of august because i plan on taking a trip to hawaii.

i need to get away. what i really want to do is get a new car, drive up to san francisco, visit some friends, and take some pictures. just four days. its all i need.

lets see where we go for spring break. maybe get away to san diego with the doggies. plans, plans, plans. its time for action.

and its time to get some.

its beginning

im preparing my students and myself for the inevitable arrival of june, when they become high school graduates. ive started talking about the ceremony, making it more real for them by giving them timelines and such.

it needs to be done, slowly, though, so that they wont experience such great shock. oh, theyll experience shock, but it wont be so astounding.

and every day, i make it more real that im going to leave that place in june, that im going to graduate, too. i cant stand it anymore.

whats cool is that im making friends, and they come into my office and say that i have the coolest office around because it has the artwork of my students. they are amazing, man, simply talented and raw.

theres a teacher who is so hot, and its beginning again. you know, the whispered conversations, the subtle touch of the shoulder (mine) as im leaving his room, shared conspiracies.

its pretty awesome and funny. hes irish, and when i mentioned i loved the brogue because the exbf used to speak it to me, this new guy somehow infuses it into the conversation.

its all good. apparently, he said that his first girlfriend was filipina. how do i know? because i have spies in that class who report to me.

its so cute, really, how my kids look out for me. im supposed to sing at this karoake fundraiser, so theyre going to buy tickets to see me. hilarious!

ive written a few letters of recs, so its been kind of rush rush during my work hours.

i so cant wait until march and april.

im going to take more pictures!!!

and be at gusd.

dont blink

so, im done with g. i want to use all of my silly excuses like im busy, or that im not ready, or that im still not over (insert name here), but its nothing like that.

its simple really. it was great for awhile, and then i got bored. hes just set in his ways, and i in mine, and there was nothing to make me want to adopt his ways...or he mine.

i dont even feel like im going to miss our nightly conversations, and not just because theres still my 27-year-old friend, but because i am done.

what was i thinking...or not thinking? it was so nice when we talked about each other, but outside of that, we had nothing in common.

mutual admiration, you know? hes great, im great, hes special, im special. hes never met anyone like me, and well, not true on my end.

i was caught up in the magic of the holidays. i was home with some free time, and i knew i had only a week to play, so i was open.

i experienced the boredom when we started work because it was back to reality. hes just not part of my reality, and i dont want him to upset this delicate balance in my so called life.

but it was fun. and i liked him. i just didnt like him enough.

i love napa. she totally empowers me. she said, you dont have to cave into any pressure. and dont put yourself down by saying youre not ready. you are ready. youre making attempts.

youre right. i just didnt like this person enough. thats all it is. and yeah, when i meet someone i like i will do something about it.

i will. i know it.

someone is smitten

i promise you, im not doing anything to seduce them. maybe its the rain or something that is making them feel funny things about me, but as far as me initiating anything, trust me, im not.

i wrote g an email last night, when he was supposedly out drinking with his friends. it was really simple, nothing that offered any more of me at all.

he called me this morning at 10, and he said, please dont ever write me again.

okay.

im falling in love with the person behind the words. this is crazy.

okay.

okay?

yes.

you know, i went out to a bar, and i dont want you to think im there to pick up on anyone. i sincerely like hanging out, but i thought about you all night.

you did?

yes.

i called you, but you didnt answer. what time did you get home?

around 1:30. i made myself food, smoked a cigaretter, read, then went to bed. thinking about you.

really? i was up at that time. i couldnt sleep, either. i thought you would call me or something.

im not like that. i didnt want to disturb your sleep.

you wouldnt have.

so, your email. your words. you seduce me. you know, my i have a life. im not sitting in front of the computer. ive got a great job, ive got friends. ive got a life. and then you. you came.

crazy, huh? im a rollercoaster ride.

im going to give your space. if you dont want to talk to me for a day, or for a week, its okay.

wait, i dont understand. are you ending this?

no.

because thats what people say. they say they want space or that theyre going to get space. if thats what you want, then okay.

im just trying not to pressure you. you said you were going to get really busy.

yeah, im going to take some classes, and im going to be tired, but come on, i wasnt going to check out completely. at the end of the day, i want to say good night to you.

really?

yes.

i want this to be slow.

and to be honest, im not ready still.

i bought an amazing new journal today, and i filled it with words about w in an effort to cleanse myself of his ghost.

ill write more about the 27 year old with the beautiful name who talks to me in spanish, but he is currently on my shit list for being a baby.

demons

i had an awesome day yesterday at work, but i realized how gossipy and catty the fucking bitter bitches are about me.

yjc had called me several times during vacation, but it was never a good time to answer his calls, so yesterday, he had a chance to stop by.

i was about to have lunch and invited him to join me. i noticed the bbs (the bitter bitches) milling around at the counter, looking into my office, but i thought theyd get bored eventually and leave.

anyway, yjc and i talked about his time with x at his cousins wedding a week ago. it was excruciating to hear about how weird it was when she was constantly calling her boyfriend.

when we left my office about 20 minutes later, the bbs whispers became loud, and i overheard them say something, but i couldnt make it out.

yjc returned to his post, and i put the food in the fridge, and when i walked into the office, i heard one say, i guess we spoke too soon.

and that set me off.

you know, i can be pretty mean. i can be a petty mean bitch, but ive held off. i look at them with pity because i know that they are mediocre at their jobs, and they cant have the prize: the love of the students.

that i have. they validate me and my existence at that school. some have become more comfortable with me, visiting me, and taking a seat to just talk.

they come in just to ask how i am, to tell me if theyve passed a class, to just touch bases. they give me gifts and leave me cute little notes.

this is the prize, and ive won it.

but you know what? i feel its time to allow the bitch in me to peek a little for fun.

i have to figure out whats on the menu for them, but you know what? its so not worth the effort. it makes me feel kind of nice that theyre jealous. and that this is their choice, not mine.

before agape, dove love said these verses: if the people of this world hate you, just remember that they hated me first. remember how I told you that servants are not greater than their master. so if people mistreat me, they will mistreat you. (john: 18)

and this is what guides me.

it isnt so much that i want them to like me. i could care less, but it makes work more bearable.

ive decided that im leaving poly by june. not because of just this, but because of the toxicity in the commute and the air i breathe when im there. i feel like im in a cage, and i cant be caged.

i pray for a job at gusd, and when i do my hours, im going to network like crazy. i have to, you know? i wouldnt mind working with dines again. her school is awesome, but i want to work with high school more. just because they get me.

so, im going to contact someone at the district regarding a letter i received about overpayment. im ready to go off on these motherfuckers, but i think a safe distance will protect us all.

im not going to react yet, but i will have to straighten this out. i dont think theyd want me to go down there, but i will. i have to.

its a beautiful rainy night.

i could be with g, but i declined. body image issues and such.

dapel is trying to talk to me about me, and i love him for it so much.

one day closer

i dreaded going to work today, as i do after an extended vacation time, but i knew going in that it would be one day closer to the beautiful month of march.

why march, you ask?

well, you see, ill be going off track and returning to gusd to finish my hours. fantastic, eh?

my kids were so cute today, some of them stopping by to wish me a happy new year and ask about my holidays. even some of the fucking idiot colleagues of mine didnt ask. but thats probably because i didnt ask them, and it was a hectic day.

not so much, come to think of it. it was pretty lax, and some kids told me they loved the classes i gave them.

i didnt give them to you. you chose them, i reminded them.

i bumped into katma, and i just couldnt stand it. really. i mean, she was really surprised that lewol and i didnt meet them. why was she surprised?

because she didnt know how fucked up drunk she was on saturday evening.

really. this doesnt astound me, but it is quite amazing how she was just an idiot.

whatever.

last night, he called me when got back into town late. he asked about the party, surface stuff, like who was there, what i wore.

ive never had anyone ask me this question. it was rather...odd. however, the man is in fashion, and so, he told me about a new purchase. and he tried to describe it to me, but i was lost after mohairs.

wtf is that?

i want to get excited about fashion, i really do, but i like men with classic, easy styles. he claims to have one, but he lived in london for ten years and learned about all sorts of fabrics and cuts and everything else that naturally, this is something he gets hard for.

but not me.

i want a man who looks good in jeans and shirts, who wears a white button down shirt and tie and slacks to work. that turns me on.

the exbf used to wear this trench coat, and no matter what hes wearing underneath, he looked delicious.

its all about how a man or a woman carries herself.

dignified.

classy.

elegant.

graceful.

thats what i want.

whoooops

i was too hasty the last two days with allowing myself to get caught up in this mind trick about him.

the dawning of the new year brought a new way of thinking. im not ready, and i wont do it to myself or to anyone.

and im not ready because shit, i have to forgive myself for this bullshit that happened almost six months ago.

have you ever had an injury? the healing time is unprescribed, right? so, you want to ease up on using that part of you until you get stronger.

and then when you feel stronger, theres always the risk of reinjuring yourself.

thats where i am right now.

yeah, he was nice. but i dont want it. i dont want to get to know him, i dont want to get to a point where we are making plans. i dont want it.

i have to figure out what the hell is wrong with me, and if i already know whats wrong with me, i have to figure out how to get better.

but what if theres nothing wrong with me, what if theres nothing wrong with not wanting, not needing to be with one person?

i mean, i love my life. i love the freedom to come and go without having to check in or bother about being on a time schedule.

i love watching people holding hands, smiling at each other, seeing love between them.

i love the idea of love and romance, the whole fascination of waking up next to someone, cuddled closely, breathing in sync.

i love that.

but im not ready for all that.

last night, i asked dines' 23 year old cousin, (who, if i didnt know, would be delicious eye candy, but as it stands, is just to me, dines' cousin), if you didnt know how old i was, how old do you think i am?

arent you 27 years old?

shut up, come on, seriously. how old?

wait, interjects dines, she looks younger than me?

how old are you, he asked her.

ill be 32 this year.

oh, i thought you were 26.

okay, back to me, nines, how old do i look?

you look like youre between 27 and 32.

youre lying.

one thing about me is i never lie.

hes so cute, and i told him. but oh, my gooshness, i would never think of doing anything with him. i knew him when he was just but a lad, and it would be sick.

okay.

so, im going to write in my new journal now, as promised. its a nice little book, too.

easy

he just messaged me a happy new year.

im so fucking easy, it hurts.

now, i can rest my eyes.

its 2008

sometimes, i live in my head. and its great there, but then again, it isnt 100% real, right?

the party tonite was fun. there was a boy who looked like the buddhist, and when he kissed my cheek, i felt the pang for touch.

there was another guy there, so cute, and delicious, but i didnt do anything.

why?

because my mind was on another. missing him. hoping to hear from him, but its too new to figure out if he didnt want me to go to this party or not.

it really isnt a big deal on my end, but he didnt seem to pleased about it.

whatever. i dont know what the hell this is or where its going.

for all i know, it was an amazing conversation for one night, and thats it.

is that it?

and what if it is? well, then, i guess, thats it. and i loved it. it makes me want to start again, to meet someone, have a great conversation, and dream of where it could lead.

without letting it lead anywhere.

because im really not ready.

i want to be, but theres a nagging little voice telling me im not. and i have to listen to it.

so, heres to a fantastic 2008. its gonna be a big one.