monday the twenty-ninth

elysian park view of dtla 09.2008 by agape+photography

when i have my camera in my hand, when i have a shot i think i can take, when i have the time to take fabulous pictures, it feels as if the planets have aligned and light is shining upon me.

unfortunately, times like that are few and far between.

what i must do is create the time to take the shots. so, tomorrow, im going to take pics again with jado.

~*~*~

i corresponded with a yesterday, and i know that i can allow this to proceed, but im not going to.

hes an art center student, about nine years younger than i am, and cute.

but there are several red flags about this one, and im not willing to do anything.

~*~*~

he loves this city. when i asked why, he told me: this city is spread out, so to find some treasures, you have to search for them. its the same way about people here.

but why do you love this city?

because its depressing, its seductive, its gritty, its raw.

you make it sound so romantic.

and i try to find places, i truly do, and i get sad to think that in a few years, ill be leaving.

but until then, ill capture the night with the camera that is an extension of my soul.

saturday the twenty-seventh

south pasadena 10.2007 by agape+photography

so.

had class this morning, and after, hung out with dapel.

you know, m, people are going to start talking. all we do is eat and go to the movies, he said in greeting.

right? i mean, damn, one day im going to have to find a real boyfriend.

we ate at the dish in montrose, and our waiter was a fucking stone. no sense of humor, flat. but i dont care.

i dont care.

i think ive discovered on my own what the hell is going on with me, and now, the only thing is that i have to solve it.

its a mystery, you know?

~*~*~

a emailed me the other day about having a dream about us having sex.

the guy is 28 years old, and i mean, really?

no, thank you.

he emailed me a long note, and it seems as if hes going through his own mini crisis. he talked about marriage and ambivalence about career choices. when we first started corresponding, he had been working on law school applications, but two things stand in his way: acceptance and money.

hes a nice person, but i dont want to get to know him. how clear do i have to be?

i dont return his calls or his emails, yet he persists.

for some, im sure this is flattering, but for me? its very annoying and tiring.

~*~*~

dapel and i watched a cheesy ass chick flick this afternoon. it was my idea, my urging.

there were some women crying, but the film was very formulaic.

if youve seen this or this, youd agree. and even though this was cheesy and not from the same author, i loved it.

its been awhile since ive been touched by a man, and i think its about time i get back out there again.

~*~*~

the signs are all there, but im sure im missing them.

its my perspective, i guess. when the universe tells me to go, to turn, to dare to move, i see those signs above.

its fear, you know, a small part of me fears leaving.

but a bigger part is deathly afraid of staying.

friday the twenty sixth

biscuit company lofts 03.2008 by agape+photography

i checked the calendar, and i cannot believe how quickly this month has flown by.

im not complaining, but man.

~*~*~

ive been struggling lately with being at work, and the internal conflict rages especially when i dont want to do something.

like for the fucking sister twits that i work with. not the brightest but what great ass kissers. its really how theyve climbed the token ladder.

i had a wonderful talk today with arbe afterschool. i didnt mean to stay. in fact, why didnt i get my shit and leave right after i had lunch with joick baffles me, but really? its because i was meant to have discussion with arbe.

still, though, im so uninspired, and i cannot work if i am apathetic.

truth? im so fucking blessed that im beginning to wonder if my affliction is part of a rebellious little trantum that im throwing.

i find myself dragging through my sluggish days, wishing that i wasnt there, despite...

~*~*~

joick and i made plans to have lunch today, but like with all plans, they were made to be broken. but at 2 pm, i get several messages from him telling me that hes at the library.

m, where are you? time for lunch?

yes, come to where i am.

when he finally came to my office, he looked wonderfully clean. the guy is so cute, but man, i would have problems with his hygiene.

i wanted to reschedule because i wasnt ready to leave yet, and he had an appointment he couldnt break (his words), but i caved in, saying, you drive, and you choose where.

his car reeked.

joick, were you smoking in here?

do you want some, m?

yes.

i dont have any with me, but soon.

the guy has a small penis. not that ive seen, but hes so stereotypical with the small body and big truck.

hes leaving for new york at the end of october to pursue his dream of being a musician. the guy is 30 years old, and still with the rocker fantasy. which i have to say i applaud and i admire.

he told me of his girlfriend and invited me out to hang with them this saturday, but i have a photoshoot or something with dapel.

i told him i would buy lunch, and i he seemed so touched. in fact, he rubbed my back, in such an innocent way that i almost wanted to pat his head.

we talked about relationships, especially about how his girlfriend felt about him leaving.

joick, are you going to pussy out at the last minute and stay if she asked? i asked.

define pussying out.

you know what i mean.

no, im leaving. we have a connection and everything, but im still going to leave. she knows it.

see, thats my thing right now. i dont want to get involved with anyone because i think i might pussy out on my own plans of moving to san francisco for art school.

he was supportive of my future goal, and he wanted to know more about the program i pray i will be accepted to. he also said he knew some people in the city, and we will definitely be hanging out up there. no way.

time ran out, and when he dropped me off at my office, we promised to write.

and then? i smelled my shirt, and it smelled like shit. i smelled my hair, and it smelled still of the lavender shampoo, but my skin was disgusting.

i smelled like his car.

have a nice adventure, joick.

~*~*~

the other day, igra invited me to some get rich scheme he fully supported, but the turn off?

his email ended with this: i drove to work today so we can carpool. my newfound girlfriend (it still feels funny to call her that) might meet us there. she will let me know later. is that okay?

of course it was okay. why wouldnt it be? that was my response.

really? me? jealous? im afraid not.

im pissed at dines right now because she insists that something is going on between us, that there is some imaginary sexual tension that exists when we are together.

and i had to tell her this: dines, clearly, if either of us were interested in each other, then we would have done something about it before he got a girl. we are just friends. certainly, nothing more, and hopefully, nothing less.

whats so difficult to understand?

when he and i are together, believe me, i want to feel a spark, a chemistry, a passion. but sadly, nothing. we just laugh and talk, and really? i want nothing more.

i go to him just for his energy. i used to go to him for spiritual recharge, but lately, he hasnt been anything spiritual.

hes losing that part of him, i think. hopefully, he will find it again.

~*~*~

the biscuit company lofts sits across from the restaurant/bar that igra and i went to on a saturday night.

he planned for us to take a tour of the lofts in the dtla area, but neither of us has pursued it.

i no longer belong in this city, no longer have the energy to be here.

one of my 43things goal is to live in a loft in a major california city paid for by the work i do in art.

and soon, it will be so.

thursday the twenty-fifth

santa monica pier 11.2007 by agape+photography

ive been trying to write this post for a few days, really trying to figure out a way to streamline my thoughts and feelings because so much has been going on.

im here, at work, waiting for damn back to school night to begin in a two hours. im resigned to the fact that i have outgrown this job, this place so quickly that i feel ill when i think about it.

too, im becoming numb and apathetic to the plight of my students, of the homeless, of the abused, of the poverty, and of their own personal teenage struggles.

because while i work with them, i go home to one. im so fortunate that my son doesnt have a drug problem, isnt ditching classes, isnt failing, isnt like these.

what separates him? his focus and his fear of failing. his strength and his resilience. his mother and her expectations of him. his destiny and his faith.

and me? i just sit back and watch him grow and succeed and pray hard that he never loses his internal motivation.

~*~*~

i am fortunate to be surrounded by people who love me and want the best for me and who are good people.

the other day, brib came by my office, looked at my walls and said, you have the best office. this is my favorite place. how can you sit here and not feel loved?

i feel very loved.

you can tell you give because they give back to you.

and its true. just had dinner with ethma, and i told her my plans of leaving in june. ive already asked jakir for a letter of recommendation, and ill ask g.lo next.

what do you plan on doing? ethma asked.

i plan on applying to art school in san francisco. if i get accepted ill go there in 3 years when my son goes to college.

until then?

im going to spend as much time with my family and friends, have fun discovering more of this city before i leave it, live life to the fullest.

i love your fighting spirit.

~*~*~

my mom used to say that life was like a wheel.

sometimes, youre looking at the world from the top of it.

and other times, youre underneath being crushed by the weight of it.

i sit here now not knowing where i am on the wheel, but hopeful that no matter what, i will survive.

i will.

saturday the twentieth

santa barbara 08.2007 by agape + photography

im tired still from the cold that kicked my ass the past few days.

but its also because of the weather, the chill and the early nights combined make me want to hibernate.

which is fine.

dines wanted me to go to a party tonite for one her freaky macedonian friends, but i declined. just not in the mood, you know?

besides, id rather be home with the boy, and here writing.

hes up in his room, resting, after a day of watching the film from last night and then hanging out with his friends.

the kid is tired. and hes still managing with school.

i am so fucking proud of him.

~*~*~

been spending time with dines and lines, and i needed the girly time.

i love them, you know? we have history, and we have all changed and become these women who are busy and pursuing education and cultivating new paths.

lines will be raising two babies on her own, ridding herself of the oldest and ugliest of her children, her oaf of a husband. she plans on getting a masters, and i think she will be a strong candidate.

dines is starting her phd program on monday, and im fucking excited for her. i dont think her current relationship will survive this. shes not very passionate about him.

and as for me. well, this is a tough one.

~*~*~

i look around, and everything looks the same. painfully dull. uncomfortably droll. excrutiatingly colorless.

and i find ive been searching even more now for inspiration. in pictures. in words. in others.

but sadly, finding none.

my usual go-tos have failed me, or have i failed them? i need kisses, deep delicious kisses with promises or a sexy time that leads to pushing and pulling and holding and releasing.

none of that has existed in my world for the last year, and it is by choice.

i havent met anyone really that ive found at all delicious or enticing. and im holding out for that. im not settling for any less.

dines said im a perfectionist, and i agree, but only in three things: photography, anyone who comes into my life, and my work. everything else, im really lax about.

and why shouldnt i demand and expect the best? for so long, especially during kk, i felt so unworthy, and its taken me four years to feel that i deserve the ultimate. and so does my son.

im not talking about materials. im talking about relationships. im talking about life.

yet, here i sit in silent frustration, hoping that tomorrow or even the next moment will bring something fresh into my life so that i will be more creative, more daring, and find some excitement.

this is the waiting phase, the universe making space, clearing out the old in exchange for the new.

i recognize, you know, from before, but this time, im so impatient. because this time, i know more. ive experienced more. i want more.

i need that spark again, that very moment when i feel amazingly and dangerously aware of sounds, of sights, of smells, of tastes, of touch. when everything becomes raw and sensual and sexy and clear.

but it takes time. and if i rush it, ill get less than the best. i know this in my heart, yet...

the exbf used to tell me to be patient, and when i was 19, the 29 year old doctor i had an affair with tried to teach me.

~*~*~

i met him at a ballroom dancing class. he was a graceful dancer, and i asked him if he was graceful in other ways, too.

he called me that night, and we talked of nothing for two hours, but i learned two things: one, he was married, and two, he was leaving at the end of the summer.

i suppose it should have ended with that call, but here is the side of me that i long for now: i dared.

he picked me up, and he told me to choose the place. i loved his accent, and he made me blush with what he was saying.

but he was careful, he knew that i was way younger and inexperienced, and he was married. we both had to play it right because there was too much at stake.

we sat outside of the restaurant the redhaired boys brother took us to once. i dont remember eating, but i do remember being mesmerized.

we had just finished when i spied the exbfs brother and his girfriend. they stopped by our table to say hi, but i didnt introduce the doctor.

who were they, he asked.

a friends brother.

why didnt you introduce me?

i didnt know you wanted to meet them.

i didnt, but you seemed to rush them away.

i did?

yes.

no, just dont have much in common, so i had nothing to say.

were you afraid they were going to tell someone they saw you with me?

come on. no. are you finished? should we go?

what do you want to do?

what are my options?

stay here, get coffee.

no.

go for a walk at the beach.

hhhmmm...

movie.

mmmm... which one do you want to do?

the one thats the least dangerous.

come on, lets go.

whats the rush? in europe, dinner is three hours long. why are you in a hurry?

because we are finished. lets get on with it.

no. we are going to sit here until youre not wiggly anymore, m. you will learn how to be patient.

whatever. i won. we left within three minutes. i was squirming, and he got irritated.

we went to the beach, and we walked around. the moon was beautiful, and he suddenly stopped and looked into the ocean.

are you okay? i asked him.

yes. no.

whats wrong? are you sick?

no. its just that i miss my wife, but im here with you, and i want you.

okay. theres nothing wrong with that. look, im not going to claim you as my own. i know the rules. i know the boundaries. youre only for borrowing, not for keeping.

im not worried about that at all. what do you want, m?

lets go back to your place.

no. lets go to your place.

i have a roommate. he wont understand. you have no one at yours.

no. i wont desecrate the place where my wife and i make love.

but youll desecrate the cock that you do it with?

your place, m.

no. my roommate is my exboyfriends best friend. he will report it to him?

so what? its over, right?

yes, but...

stop, m. we are going to your place, and im going to make love to you.

i protested all the way home, as he walked me to the front door, even as he kissed me to my room.

not here, i said.

why not?

because i will not desecrate the place i fuck boys. the other room is empty. ill grab pillows and blankets.

come here, m.

he kissed me hard, and when we laid the blankets down, he undressed me.

what do you need right now, m? he asked me.

you. teach me everything.
no. thats not what it means to make love. it takes time to learn about each others bodies and what we want and how we fit.

okay. then teach me how to fuck you.

i moved down to his cock, the thick german cock that was never circumsized, and he taught me how to give him head.

he was so gentle with me, and when he came, he bathed me in his liquid. i jumped up to get a towel, but he pulled me back.

m, this is beautiful that you can make me do this, he said.

come on. youve done this before.

yes, but not with someone so innocent.

im not that innocent.

yes, baby, you are. you have a pureness about you.

my friends would laugh about that.

you look so beautiful with the moon shining on you. look how i glisten on your skin.

i lied down next to him, and when i heard him breathing steadily, i left him to sleep on my bed.

i woke up the next morning to hear him in the shower, and i went to the room to clean up the evidence of the night before.

breakfast? he offered.

sure.

he looked different in the daytime. a baby face that held darkness. dangerous. sexy.

we went to breakfast, and i just watched him quietly. i wanted to say goodbye right away, but he wanted to talk.

so, m, you know im busy with the research im doing, he said.

yes. im sure you are.

and it isnt that i dont want to see you again.

you dont have to explain...its cool.

but i do want to see you again. i just dont know how often.

dont worry. thank you for last night.

is that a brush off?

no, i just wanted to tell you in case i forget.

what do you expect of this, m?

nothing.

nothing? thats disappointing.

well, it isnt as if you have alot to offer.

meaning?

youre married. youre leaving. you made it clear. and i understand.

its not that simple.

yes, it is. its not love, you know? it was fun.

have you done this before?

i wasnt a virgin when we met, so yeah.

no, i meant, have you been with a married man before?

no.

why me?

you danced well. and your accent is a bonus.

youre such a brat.

but an honest one.

he drove me home, and it took me a few days to call him. i invited him over for dinner, and no one liked him. it wasnt him that they didnt like. it was the fact that he wasnt the exbf.

he gave me a massage that night, made me so relaxed that i couldnt do anything else but look at him with dreamy eyes and receive a kiss from him after he tucked me in.

we got into an argument one afternoon that ended with him saying to me, okay, m, is this what you want? to not see me?

no, thats not what im saying. thats what youre saying.

when you decide, let me know.

look. this is your show. youre the one who has the control here. you let me know when you want to see me.

he called me the week before he left.

lets go to dinner, m. i want to see you, he said.

we went to a restaurant in del mar, where he treated the poor waiter with disrespect that i was embarassed. the kid didnt deserve it. the doctor was just an ass.

after, we went to the beach.

have you ever had sex on the beach? he asked.

yes. the drink.

no one has ever taken you here on the sand?

nope.

i took him into my mouth again, and he came on my neck, dripping down my chest. after, he held me.

i feel sad, m. he confessed.

why?

because im leaving.

but you knew you werent staying.

why did i meet you now?

youll forget about me, you know. im a kid. you have a wife.

i know i have a wife. i never forget that.

you probably say the same thing to all the college girls you fuck.

listen to me, m. there has never been another college girl except for you. do you understand that?

this isnt the first time youve cheated on your wife. im not the first. i know that.

no, you arent the first. but youre the first here in the states.

they say you never forget your first. well, youre my first older married man with an accent.

dont break hearts, m.

okay. ill try not to.

but its your nature. boys fall in love with you, dont they?

i wish.

they will. if not now, soon. you will break hearts.

no. i dont like hurt. i dont like scarring. i want to bring happiness. love hurts.

but its also lovely. ill be in san francisco in six months. will you meet me?

i will.

no matter who is in your life?

im not into relationships, so i doubt anyone will be in my life then.

dont break hearts, m.

yes, sir.

we met in february in sausalito. i had my camera, and he posed for me with the city skyline as a backdrop.

then he grabbed my camera and took pictures of me.

he asked me if i wanted him to stay for one night, something that he didnt want to assume id want.

i declined. by then, i had no feelings.

i saw him only to fulfill a promise from that warm night on the beach.

he drove me back to the city, and when he left, i didnt look back.

~*~*~

legend has it that a feather represents truth, courage, flight.

if this is so, then i know what i need to do.

spread my wings and fly.

friday the nineteenth

huntington library, 03.2008 by agape+photography

im home again. still. and while i can get used to this, i need to be back at work.

but im weak. and i dont want to go back to my icebox office until im restored, and my aunt told me yesterday to rest.

this is something i have to do, i havent done. i havent given my body the care it needs, so i pay for it whenever my immunity system is assaulted.

~*~*~

really? ive outgrown poly. ive made my peace with it, know that im not going to return next year, and this decision has such a calming effect on me.

i know im leaving not out of anger, but because its time.

~*~*~

ah, time. my best friend these days. ive learned the power of time to heal, to replenish, to rejuvenate, to teach, to bless, and to cure.

im not in a space anymore where i want time to go fast, to go by in a blur. i want each moment to count, to feel how slowly it passes, or how quickly. i want to marinate in it, to let it help me with whatever i need in order to progress.

so the next few years, my last ones in los angeles, im going to take advantage of friendships, of relationships, of family time, of work, or earning money doing something i love.

im going to book a trip to san francisco for the fifth through the eighth of february. i have to, you know? rather than having a big old party for me and the boy for our milestone birthdays, i think we should get away. i hope by then he doesnt throw a fit for missing one day of class. hes a freak, yeah?

i want to stay here when we go up, just have some time to hang out, feel the city, meet with the people from sfai, try to secure a job.

have i told you my plan? im going to see about working for them as a counselor or recruiter while i go to school at night.

i know this isnt for another few years, and maybe ill be doing a disservice to myself by going up so early and checking it out, but i need to, you know?

i need to look forward to something because right now? im beginning to feel numb about work. i need to do this. i need to feel inspired and hopeful and excited.

~*~*~

this sunday? concert at the hollywood bowl. ozomatli and lila downs. with a fun bunch.

ive had this feeling lately that im going to bump into someone from my past. i know who id like it to be, and it isnt who you think, but just a raw soul that i miss against my skin.

why do i think of him lately? and my dreams have his essence in them.

he said once something about resonance. about how he and i resonated. which i loved then, and i love now.

i wonder how he is. wonder how his ladies are, if his relationship with someone has been repaired. im sure it has. some bonds just cannot be broken, no matter how someone fucks up.

id rather not see him anymore because i dont remember what he looks like.

i told dines last night that when someone leaves my life, i really dont remember what they look like anymore. its as if ive hit the delete key, and thats how they stand: deleted.

but the memories are still in my heart. those will never leave me. theyve scarred me, tattoos of love and hurt, of risks, of fun, of endings.

they are my treasures.

thursday the eighteenth

im going stir crazy.

havent been to work for the last two days, and honestly? i need to go back.

ive caught a cold, you see, but i thought it was allergies. however, when i got home last night, late due to some shit i had to deal with, i felt chills.

today, i stayed in bed mostly because i had a rough night last night, but im going stir crazy.

~*~*~

ever see a snowball gather strength and more snow as it falls down a mountain?

ever look at the spiral part of a notebook and wonder if it spirals down or up?

ever feel a panic that you cant control, that takes the better part of your sanity?

~*~*~

my child is the most important part of my life, of my breath, of my purpose here on earth.

yes, im not a conventional mother, and i wont ever try to be one because i wont be able to pull it off. yes, im holding down a full time job and going to class and sacrificing everything else because as a single parent, somethings got to give. yes, i know my lifestyle isnt very mainstream, i make my own rules, and i may seem a bit wild.

but really? im just like every other mother out there: loving this child, doing what is best for him, and knowing that the rewards of this investment come in beautifully colored surprises.

so, is it any wonder if i will do anything to maintain our privacy, our safety, our peace?

but this isnt about me. this is about my reaction as a mother to a situation that happened yesterday.

i spent ten hours with lines yesterday. had lunch with her and dines. had dinner with their family. i love those people.

the asshole has not slept at their home since sunday night, and there are many reasons for his involuntary exit, but really? not important.

what he did last night was this: he used the little boy as bait.

and this shook me to my core.

dines and her father spiraled. crazy. you learn a lot about a person under stress.

me? i can be cold and calm. or i can be fiery and wild. choose wisely.

bottom line is this: hes out. i think hes out of their family for good, but lines is doing the right thing by being careful and calm.

under pressure, i wish i had her grace.

~*~*~

i wrote igra the other night, and his response was baffling.

i forwarded it to dines who confirmed: his thing with his woman seems superficial. at least, thats how it appears in his writing.

dines wondered out loud why he mentioned her. i told her it was because i never ask about her. ever.

its sad, but im not really interested. ive learned igra is really capricious.

hes better in a relationship, yet he wants the freedom of not being in one. to me, thats asking for trouble. how many people want that in a partner?

dines said once that im better when im in a relationship, and i have to disagree. im never comfortable feeling i have to be somehow responsible for a person: their hearts, their minds, and my effect i have on them.

example: i dont like checking in. sometimes, i lose track of time. or worse, i get lazy about leaving so i stay longer than necessary. if im meeting someone, then im late, and its really not very courteous. or if im supposed to call someone, im late in doing that, too. i end up feeling like crap.

example: ive been told i flirt. i really dont. in fact, i only flirt about five percent of the time im accused. the other times are just how i act. theres nothing more behind it. however, sometimes, im misunderstood. so, i have to be very careful. but its very difficult for me to censor, to control, how i speak, and it leaves feeling spent.

example: i love my freedom. i dont have very much free time. and im afraid that if i met someone now, i wouldnt pursue it or maintain it or want it.

but igra. well, hes lonely, i guess, and this person is making him less so. he says that she makes him face his internal conflicts, and im glad. i mean, really? hes too old to not be dealing with them.

so. we had long conversations the other night. im good for awhile on any contact with him.

~*~*~

im sweating off my illness, i hope. i dont like being in and out of consciousness, of feeling weak.

i have to go to work tomorrow. like it or not.

tgif!

memories

i look over the screen of my laptop, and i see the pretty pink box with a darker pink shade of bow tied around it.

i used the papers in it once to write him a note for his birthday before i gave him his presents.

thats was two years ago, and still.

still, i find myself wondering how he is, what hes doing with his life, if his wife and son and he live under the same roof again.

i dont want to, you know? i have to constantly redirect my thoughts, my focus.

~*~*~

after i dropped off mikme at union yesterday, i took the streets to avoid the traffic.

theres this patch of tar that i drove everyday for five years, and its changing. i dont know if theyre building a new school there, but so much construction that i wonder how much more our beautiful land can take.

when i make a precarious turn, the sights bring me back to a conversation i had with el otro.

whats your favorite tree? he asked me.

tree?

yeah. mine is one that you can only find in my home country, in el salvador.

tree?

yeah. okay, not tree. whatever else you want to tell me. i want to get to know you.

sweet. tree?

you know what i mean, m.

i love when you say my name.

why wont you share anything with me?

it drove him crazy, i know. we would talk for hours, and once, i fell asleep briefly on the phone with him. i woke up when he was softly laughing at me.

i have to go. i snore, unfortunately, i tell him.

i know. i heard you. okay. go to bed. lets talk tomorrow.

it was still innocent then. just talking.

then after the first time, he said, tell me about you.

what do you want to know?

everything. your childhood. what youve done. everything.

but i shared nothing. i wanted to create a distance, to establish the nature of our union, which was just fucking. nothing more. nothing less.

friendship? no.

love? no.

sex? yes, please. lots.

i wonder about him, too, sometimes.

i try to remember what it was that finally made me delete him from my life, and i know it had something to do with him disrespecting me.

i underestimated him, you know. i thought that he and the other one, that they both were on the same page as i was.

but sometimes, pages turn quickly, and everything is mixed up and turned around.

and when we settled on a page, they werent the same.

~*~*~

perhaps i dont want to see the person i was then.

perhaps i dont want to come to terms that i am at once lovely and decrepit.

~*~*~

i was in my last class in high school, and my friend with a beautiful name joasia had with her a boy who had such beautiful brown hair.

i asked her who he was, and she told me, a friend. weve been friends for a long time.

hes cute.

want his number?

yes.

i called him that afternoon, and for the rest of the year, he and i talked for hours every afternoon. hours.

we were content with not knowing each others identities, but then i was more curious, and we made plans to meet at the temporary contemporary in the outskirts of downtown.

he stood me up, and i felt i was cut from the inside out. i was too stunned to cry, to disappointed to call him, and we didnt speak until one afternoon when he wanted to explain why.

m, if you saw me, and if you didnt like me, you speak to me again. i cant afford that, he said.

i felt humiliated sitting there, expecting you, but hey, i got to see some great art. okay, we wont meet.

no, dont say that.

its the best thing. because youre right about me.

youre more into the fantasy than reality.

he was wise, a poet, a writer. he was an artist, too.

id like for you to let me cover you with paint, different colors, and have you roll around on canvas, he told me after being inspired by some art piece.

he got accepted to cornell, and i went off to san diego.

we vowed to keep in touch, and for years, all through college, we did.

i told him when i lost my viriginity, he told me when he first fell in love.

he sent me beautifully written words, and finally a picture of him. he wasnt the same as the image i had, so i dropped it.

he was appropriately jealous when i told him about my serious relationships, and he let me cry when things werent going well.

he called me at 3 in the morning his time, and all of the roommates i had during those years knew to find me whenever he was on the other end of the line.

the first year of college was great for us, but i stayed in san diego for the summer while he returned to la.

when we went off again, he was discovering alcohol and how it healed his tortured heart at the same time gave him courage to disclose his love.

he and i spent thousands of dollars on our late night whisperings that interrupted sleep and eating and other social gatherings.

he was my favorite book and song, he was my past and present and future, he was my hope of all things innocent and lovely and poetic.

we lost touch for awhile. of course we did. misunderstandings, miscommunication, jealousy, developments in the life span.

im going to write a book of poems and dedicate it to you, m, he said in one of last conversations before we cut each other off from our lives. and im going to make you fall in love with me.

and i believed him, so whenever i was in a bookstore, i searched for his name, for a book that would have my name, but i havent found it.

months after i had the baby, he called me out of the blue.

ive been looking for you, he said. i searched all of my address books. you know, youre the only one in my book that had at least 6 different addresses.

how are you?

im good. im in la. im working in an office.

god. thats so unlike you.

i know.

you have a poets soul. and i have a child.

boy?

yes.

married?

no.

did you name him after me?

no. after his father and mine.

he must be beautiful.

he is. he has my brain and his fathers beauty.

and your loveliness.

lucky kid, huh?

it was hard to maintain our friendship. too much has happened. he was too close. he wanted to meet. i didnt.

and so, here i am now, looking through the new book section, hoping to find my name.

hes a good memory.

wishlist

i need a nanny.

i need someone to cook breakfast, lunch, dinner for the boy; someone to pick him up from football practice and take him to orchestra; someone to clean my house thoroughly; someone to make sure i can write and work on my pictures; someone to stay with my son while im off with friends, or at meetings, or just need some time to be me.

i need a husband.

i need someone to make the big bucks, to pay the bills, to fix the leaks, to take the dogs for a walk, to do man things with my son, to fuck me hard before bed, and to wake up between my legs in the morning or the middle of the night, to comfort me at the end of a long day, to bring me medicine, to give me a sponge bath when my fever his high, to love me no matter what, to travel with me.

i need a posse.

i need someone to hold my tripod, to change my lens, to help with lighting, to position the subjects so that i dont have to run back and forth.

im tired. because lately, ive had to do all this and more.

please, Father, please hear my cry.

wednesday the seventeenth

im sick. well, allergies, but its mimicking a cold. my throat is sore, my nose running, and for the better part of last night, i was drugged up on over the counter medication generic target brand medication that isnt as strong as costcos brand.

im sick. of work. of the anxiety building inside of me about wanting to leave and making the decision to do so.

im sick.

allergies.

~*~*~

psst. psst, my work cousin calls to me.

i dont turn around right away. i know its him. hes the only one who would do it because frankly, hes funny, and he does that filipino thing that brings me back to the days of family parties.

he had been in my office earlier, and i asked him a question point blank, and he answered me this: ill tell you the truth, but you talk to everyone.

so what? im very discrete. people tell me their secrets, and they dont leave my lips. because sometimes, im stunned into silence.

okay, then. here: i have a seven year old and a four month old, but im not married. i only tell people im married because i want to set that boundary.

i dont believe you. about being a father. how old are you?

28. ill show you a picture.

his babies are adorable. half flip and half white. like mine.

this is my baby, i told him as i showed him a picture in a frame.

really?

yep.

how old is he?

fifteen.

youre old.

indeed.

i knew he was trying to figure out my age, but he didnt ask.

are you happy? i asked him. in your situation, i mean.

no. i mean, i love the kids, and my girl loves me, but im bored.

oh, man, i know what you mean.

so, come on, tell me, who are you sleeping with at work?

no one.

come on. ive heard rumors.

im serious. besides, i dont shit where i eat.

he told me the same and proceeded to tell me about an affair hes been having for the past two years.

does she know? does she suspect? i asked.

im sure she does, but she turns a blind eye and a deaf ear.

she loves you. youre lucky.

i am. i know this. at the end of the day, i have everything i need.

i told him how i felt about being in a relationship, how i believe in love, but really? i feel so stifled when im with someone. its purely me, my imaginings, my clouded perspective.

i said i think marriage works, that it has to work because its lovely to be with a family unit, but it has to be the right fit because if it werent? its the most miserable thing.

we talked for an hour or more, and before he left, he said, im so glad someone understands my lifestyle.

who am i to judge? you know what youre doing.

you should get the book, the ethical slut.

ive heard of that book. ive been curious.

its good. it talks about people like us.

i saw him again later on in at the faculty meeting where they fed us food in appreciation to being out of program improvement and such.

~*~*~

psst. psst, he says to me again.

i turn around finally. he laughs. he says im so filipina.

where are you headed? i ask.

to the station.

want a ride?

okay.

we drive, and i decide to take him all the way to union station.

we talk, and he admonishes me for playing too close to home. and for getting caught.

i didnt get caught. i was told on, i explain.

well, you cant play when its close like that.

i know. but i had it. it was awesome.

~*~*~

im surfing the web on my phone when i see his name pop up on the screen. i hesitate to answer it. im not feeling up to flirting, but he doesnt usually call unless...

hi, i say.

m!

hey, igra, how are you?

im well.

you just leaving work?

yeah, im walking to my car.

we talk for awhile while hes parked at the lot because he doesnt have bluetooth.

he mentions his girlfriend only once, in passing. im surprised because they went away for the weekend.

he sounds invigorated, excited, and he tells me why.

im interested, but he doesnt give me much, only enough to whet my apetite.

we need to be in front of each other so i can give you a better explanation, he says.

okay.

let me get going. ill call you when i get home?

yes. ill be up. im taking the day off tomorrow.

good for you.
im a bit sick.

sorry to hear that.

i take a shower, take my time, after we hung up, and when im watching the hottest man on tv, he calls.

he makes me laugh, man.

im sewing, he tells me.

really?

yeah.

thats soo cute! really?

yes. and i also cook, clean, do my laundry.

if you werent already taken, id marry you. i need a wife.

oh, and this: i dont use the dryer. i hang my clothes, he says.

right! you have a clothes line?

you havent been to my place, yet, huh. someday, youll have to come by and see.

i miss hanging clothes. we used to hang our clothes to dry when we lived in the suburbs of chicago. youre so endearing. i didnt know this about you.

i wish then, deep in my heart, that i could muster up some passion for this person.

~*~*~

im happy where i am now in life. i told igra that last night.

i lack for nothing. im so blessed and fortunate that while there seems to be lots of brewing around me, im safe from the storm.

will it be this way forever? of course not. im sure more things will happen from which i can learn and grow from. lessons and experiences that will make me stronger, better, faster.

~*~*~

at the end of the day, when all the stress from work and life are gone, i love what i have. family comes first, he said.

i know. i look back on my amazing days, people, friends, family who love me, and i think that my life is perfect. i dont have the most money or the best car or the cleanest house, but i have my kid. and sometimes, id rather be with him than with a penis.

so, your celibacy. its your choice?

of course. i could get laid. thats easy. guys are so easy.

i sometimes regret deleting some numbers from my contact list, but really? im not into booty calls.

anymore.

finally!!!

lines had her little girl two weeks ago tomorrow. saturday, i stopped by and took some shots of the baby, and the asshole was acting weird.

first, he kept offering me food he made. i will not eat anything that touches his hands because the guy is filthy. unhygenic, if thats a word. if not, consider it mine.

lines told him that he was being annoying, and he told her to shut up.

i forget which exlover of mine told me that this was the worst thing a man can say to his woman and vice versa. their little cousin commented, thats funny. he was calling her his princess then he told her to shut up.

the previous day, i had a conference with a mother, fifteen year old daughter, and the daughters baby daughter, and they were talking shit to each other.

i said, if you talk to each other that way at home, thats fine, but please do not do it in front of me.

this is me respecting myself. i dont want to be mired in their shit. nevertheless, i went home with a fucking tension headache that went away after three hours of napping and making myself relax.

tonite, after dinner, lines called dines and told her to come over. lines was crying. dines took off in a flash.

dines messaged me that lines kicked the asshole out, and i am relieved.

i feel nothing bad about this decision, and funny, i had a dream about them the other night when she told me she was unhappy.

so.

marriage is very sacred to me. and i dont judge other peoples relationship, but for me, really...its very, very untouchable.

when i get married, if ever, it will be happy. but im not ready yet.

i need to find that person im willing to spend my life with first.

~*~*~*~

its already midway september, and this is the time when everything becomes a blur. everything seems to be fast, and im glad.

because january and february, i have off, and im going up to san francisco and meeting with some people.

this is going to happen.

im out of here.

im happier when im off and running.

right now, im off and running to bed because my project kicked my ass.

ciao.

sunday the fourteenth

yesterday was my first day of class, and i have to say i have a crush on my instructor. he has a crush on me, too, so there.

its by default. i mean, im the only girl there closest to his age.

but hes got a cute sense of humor, and hes pretty yummy looking himself, and his name. i love his name.

i swear, im not some star struck, garden variety student in love with her teacher. ive never fallen for that, except for two: mr. baldi, calculus professor from ucsd, and mr. jorge santana, chicano lit professor from sac state.

but this guy. well, hes a boy, really. bald, white. gorgeous brown eyes. awesome smile. great energy.

lets just see what happens. we still have 13 more saturdays to go.

~*~*~*~

hung out with dines at the americana last night. it was pretty fun. we saw mamma mia, and the words were popping up on the screen like some disney sing along.

cheesy...but oh, so fun!!!

~*~*~*~

had to return some stuff at old navy today, and when i got to the register, i let this guy with a baby around his chest go in front of me.

he did a double take, and i thought it was because he was checking to see why i didnt have any purchases, but then he said, dont i know you from somewhere?

um, do you work for lausd?

no. do you go to the gym?

yes.

24 hour fitness?

yes.

i was your lift instructor.

oh, yeah, hi. sorry, i didnt recognize you with that baby around you. how old is she?

nine months.

wow. congratulations.

thanks. yeah, so we had coffee once, and i never heard from you again. i guess you found someone else for training?

no, it wasnt for me. it was for my friend.

oh, right. i remember.

she had a sciatic nerve problem, so she couldnt train.

oh, i see.

your baby is staring at me.

she does that. she studies people and things. she tries to figure them out.

well, im a tough one. people have tried to figure me out, and theyve failed miserably.

is that so? no one has figured you out yet?

nope. i think it has something to do with the fact that i havent figured myself out yet. well, it was good to see you.

thanks. you, too.

you still work there?

yes.

cool.

id better go. i have my other baby in the car.

oh?

my dog. i was supposed to take him for a walk, but we ended up here.

oh, cool.

i just didnt recognize him at all. he looked...old. he looked...married. he looked...washed up. like luro.

luro looks old in his pics. he looks old and dirty, unkempt, although his picture in the promo of his film was really striking.

whatevs.

~*~*~*~

im starting on my project tomorrow. with dines.

shes calmed down a lot since shes had a boyfriend and has gotten therapy.

lets see how long this lasts.

~*~*~*~

im so fucking uninspired.

my writing sucks.

my photography sucks.

damn, i need to be immersed in creativity, inspiration, sex, yummyness.

friday the twelfth

it was a long day. it started when this mofo hulking kid ignored my loud yells when i told him to stop. he kept going, and his little shit friend disappeared. theyre both gang members, but i dont give a fuck. when i tell you to stop, stop. when you disrespect me, its war.

~*~*~

yesterday, there was a parent meeting, and one of the speakers was from the youth relations office from the district.

we have a gang problem at work. scary? ill say i feel safe at work.

because ive had gang members in my caseload. they know when theyre in front of me, theyre students. ive told them, what you do on the streets is your choice, and your business. but if you get me or my family involved, then its my business.

its about respect for who they are and who i am. ive had them in my office, crying. because even though they garner guns and have done some dirty deeds, theyre kids. and they need to be kids. i offer that.

this afternoon, a father brought his son in to register. the father was tatted up. gang attire. i cant be judgemental at all. itll ruin my game.

mothers come in with tats and hickeys and questionable clothing, too. i look at them in the eyes and see a mother.

the father told me, last year, my son got jumped by gang members who wanted him in. its because of the dealings of my older son who is now living with his mother. they split my sons head open, and i had to take him to the hospital, and they stitched him up.

i learned yesterday that there are two big, powerful gangs that surround poly. i know of them, had known of them since last year when i had one from each camp.

i wont tell my family because theyll panic, but sometimes, when im at a stop light a block from the school, i get a feeling that an angel is with me to protect me.

~*~*~

emotionally, im very spent. i cannot seem to recover from the last few months of full on barrage of this: mothers dying of cancer, students who have too much shit to deal with, teachers who are burnt out, and me in the midst of a tornado that wants to take me away to another place, but i hold on and still.

im beginning to have friends at work. real friends. not just hi and bye friends. beautiful spirits who make me feel enveloped in warmth and love and goodness and sunshine. of course, there are some who are just assholes, but not many.

even the dragon breath is helping me with some issues. because shes good with that. and thats it.

~*~*~

im leaving poly by june. whether or not i have a job, im leaving.

this is the saddest news: jijas cancer has returned, and hes out. hes planning to retire next year, but i pray hes better.

im going to call wilson monday to tell them how my heart is broken over this.

he is a kind person, really easy and so fucking cool. and i pray my prayers are answered about this one.

and they will be.

~*~*~

in the next year, i want to have my work up on some walls and sold. i want to do this, to sell some pieces, and not just to friends.

tomorrow is my first day of class. its the one ive wanted: photoshop for photographers.

this will be the reward for a long week.

~*~*~

should i be worried that i have not felt intense desire for someone?

im so not fond of la guys. theyre fun and all, but i want something passionate. sensual. consuming.

not yet, though. i dont have time to give, and i dont have the need for another.

not yet.

~*~*~

the weather signals that its fall soon. i love the chill in the early mornings and late afternoons.

when i live in san francisco, ill be more happy with the climate.

and it scares me, this prospect. all the changes, meeting new people, getting comfortable in a city that i love, school, competition, everything.

but everything that scares me, excites me, too.

and im looking forward to it, wishing that teh next few years fly by. i mean, next year at this time, ill be applying to the school.

a year later, if all is set, ill be off.

and it will be time to close out la.

~*~*~

i just stumbled upon robens blog. hes not as hott as he was when i was in love with his ass four years ago.

its a photoblog, where he explains how he takes pictures and stuff.

its pretty good but technical in nature, so i look at it for the pic and inspiration.

~*~*~

i was driving to work yesterday, thinking about seven years ago, and the grief and shock and surprise i felt at the same hour when i was driving to work, too.

and i cant relive it every year anymore.

its time to move on. and im allowing myself to do so from not only 9/11, but also from some wonderfully sweet endings.

i told dapel we, as a country, have to start the healing process.

but remembering is part of healing.

yes, but it seems like we relive the day and not remember it. you know the slogan: we will never forget.

and we wont.

but its time to let go.

faith

its such a little word, you know, small in amount, but so grand in meaning.

last night, in class, i wasnt feeling it. i was listening to this fucking man drag on and on, but mostly, i was rereading my blog.

are you kidding me? it was painful.

and i kept thinking, im wasting my time. i should be at home with the boy, should be writing, should be resting, anything but here.

so, i made a decision to escape, which i did, really quickly when the guy stopped talking.

i cant believe this class is a jumpstart to a basic photoshop class, but it was. for graphic design. not photography.

on the drive home, i had this conversation with myself: be honest. this isnt the class that you wanted. dont settle. dont be stubborn and stay. this isnt what you want. you want to be a photographer, not a designer. you know what you want. you have a good sense of it. you dont need to do it yourself.

i could have panicked. i could have freaked out. but i didnt. instead, i centered myself, and i had this beautiful feeling that everything was going to wok out.

and today, it did.

shel told me about a place in covina that seems fantastic. i just got off the phone with the guy who asked me my age, and when i told him, he said, you sound like youre 18.

he said that to everyone.

but the best thing? its so fucking cheap, and i told him, you mean all classes are just one price?

yes. you dont pay for each class. and its worth it to buy lab time for $35. and you can come any time you want.

really?

yep.

dont tell me anymore. youre going to make me quit my job.

you wouldnt be the first one.

seriously, ive been having issues about this. please no more.

come saturday. i wont be there this week because ill be scuba diving, but next week.

great. id love to meet the man who said i sounded 18.

im going to do this. and its perfect because the boy has to go to practice on saturday mornings at the same time as my class, so ill just hang out with him after.

is that just perfect?

~*~*~

i cant believe the difficulties ive been facing at work. no, let me reword that. i cant believe all the difficulties that my students are facing.

if i told you the heartbreaking stories, you wouldnt believe me. sometimes, i dont believe them. how could they still function after all that?

resilience. im telling you, if i can bottle it, i would.

but im so done. ive reached the point of apathy, but only as a wonderful coping skill.

~*~*~

ill be ready to date in the new year. ive made that decision.

lately, there have been lots of flirting with boys at work, but really? no.

i dont shit where i eat. i never will.

again.

but lupak and rucue are engaged. im happy for her, but hes so...yuk.

oh, well.

~*~*~

im so ready to go to san francisco. i know it will be a change. scary and exciting and challenging and frustrating and amazing all at once.

would i live there?

yes.

~*~*~

yesterday, we got the boys scores from the stupid state tests. i so disagree with their uses, but whatever.

the boy scored proficient in math, so you must imagine the pride in my heart when he said, mom, i know what i want to study in college.

oh?

yeah. something in math and science.

if thats true, then you should apply to ucsd.

i thought you wanted me to go up north? stanford?

yes, but dont limit yourself. go for the stars, man.

how about ucr?

riverside?

redlands.

no. berkeley.

okay.

is this not a beautiful life?

monday the eighth

today is his birthday, a day i used dreaded for years after we had ended things. i never spent it with him, not in the sixteen years we have known each other.

for my 23rd birthday, the only one we spent together, he woke me up early. it was a beautiful winter day, and the sun was brilliant through the windows and on my bedsheets.

he kissed me hard, and he told me to reach under my pillow.

i pulled out a box. velvet. and i froze. instantly. i know what my answer would have been, had he asked, so when he told me to open it, i said it could wait.

i wanted him in me, to have him fuck me so that i wouldnt have to see what was in there.

he resisted my touch, my kiss, and insisted i peek inside.

keys to a car, baby? is this what youve given me? i teased.

open it.

oh, come on, later. give me real gift. i want you here. youre so far.

not yet. open.

kiss me first.

he did, but then pulled away. he held the box, and i hesitated. i started to cry. fear. he thought it was happiness.

he said, its a promise ring. i promise that i will get one for you when i finish school. do you like it? its your birthstone.

it was a pretty big stone, amethyst for february. it was the second piece of jewelry he gave me. the first one was a few days after we made love for the first time.

he told me how difficult it was to hide the ring from me for two weeks.

did you keep it in the car? i asked.

yes.

ah, thats why the compartment was locked. i thought you were hiding something else...like a secret between you and another girl.

why would i do that?

i dont know. why would you lock the car?

so, i could see the expression on your face when you saw the box. precious. you were scared.

me? nah.

you were.

it would be a big step, you know?

i know. but i know youre not ready. we arent ready yet. but soon.

we moved in a few months later, conceived a child, and ended the relationship.

and for years, i pined for him. i couldnt recover from the hurt, and every time i looked at the sleeping baby in my arms, he looked just like his father.

but those days are over now.

he can barely speak to me, and when he does, its labored. well, except when we have our marathon conversations where we are guarded, but we manage to keep it up for an hour.

my friends thought he was the one. dines and lines for a long time entertained that little fantasy. i did, too.

but you know, things are good now. hes dating someone, i think, i hope. hes better when hes with another.

~*~*~

yesterday was the other virgos birthday. i hope hes with someone, too. im sure he is. a year is too long to not have love.

i know that. i speak from experience.

hes a lovely person. i only wish him the best.

the need to spill

sometimes, i have to quiet my world, slow it down to almost 0 mph, and reflect on whats been going on. this happens when i spend time with many, when im in the midst of people and their lives, when im not alone. lately, ive felt the need to just be still and dream and plan...but something seems to come up a lot.

one thing ive realized is this: my work demands high levels of emotional labor, and i cant seem to recover fast enough. hence, my fatigue. ironically, the last few weeks, ive been somewhat able to not feel as if im carrying so much dead weight.

im here, at a point in my life, where im numb. nothing excites me or moves me, which is fine for now. i have to be in this mode as i struggle towards the end of this year in june. my life is delicately and precariously balanced, and i wish to not upset it in any way possible.

my time isnt my own anymore. it pretty much belongs to this football player/violinist/honors student that im trying to raise. but my problem is that im afraid that hes not his best in any of those roles because hes got too much on his plate.

this book, i want to read. i saw the author last night for a little bit as i was falling asleep. she was on oprah, and i love when she said something about not being her best when her plate was full.

i know what she means, but heres a secret: i miss learning. i miss social interaction on a collegiate level, and i cannot wait to visit the art institute in san francisco on my next time off.

im going to look for places to live, a position at the community college, and perhaps something freelance, like photography or web design.

i want to meet with the advisors, discuss why this program is perfect for me, and why im a perfect candidate for it.

i need the energy of that city, to feel the creative world enter my veins, to meet the new: people, food, restaurants, challenges, love.

ah, love. well, see, its like this. ive snapped out of the trance i was in. secret? i miss someone greatly. it isnt w. its this other person who was amazing in bed, who i felt nothing for, who i know i would never pine for the way i would ache for w.

this other...well, it was really fun. he was a great conversationalist, but i fucked him over, too, in a way. it was a mistake, a grave one, but im glad to have that time with him.

can i make contact with him now? no. that one is better off in my hall of memories. but sometimes, as the night chill hits my shoulders, i remember him.

i loved the way he made me laugh, was very attentive to my needs, and was so fucking macho, but became very sub when his cock was in my mouth.

he was sweet and sexy, and at the same time, raw and dirty. he and i played with each other, in a good way, and i think for a second, it got confusing for him.

well, it was the guilt. if he kept us separate, things would be good still.

but i look back on the past year, and im pretty proud of what i accomplished. would i have been able to do it if w was in my life? i think it would have been more stressful and busy.

this is how its supposed to be. he came into my life for a reason, and now that the lesson has been learned, hes done.

thats how life works.

word.

saturday the sixth

life has been one mad ride lately. now, i know why im so tired: so much is packed in a day that no wonder i just want to collapse.

im really focusing on my health now because im sick of the lifestyle ive lead. i want to do more things, be healthy, and live without pain, and its happening.

work has been great because ive taken on the perspective of not taking anything personally and not being judgemental. and this has worked tremendously.

im not taking my thursday and friday class. my kid needs me, so i have to be here. ill go back to yoga on thursdays and hang out with friends or catch up on sleep and my project on fridays.

~*~*~

life is busy, but not terribly exciting. which is fine.

im in a phase right now of which i cant see the purpose, but theres a reason, yeah?

lets see.

in all honesty

theres a duel raging inside of my soul right now. both are fierce competitors, and i wonder what place i have in it all.

heres a secret. before last october, i only showed my prints to certain few. the ones that are artistic in nature, i mean. whenever there was a gathering, i was always called upon to take snapshots or posed portraits. and i didnt mind. i was the only one with a camera most of the time, and yeah, it got expensive with film and print.

i resisted buying a digital because i thought it would be cheating, that i would take tons of picture and compromise integrity...that i would become sloppy because i could always delete.

but when i finally could no longer hold out and purchased my baby, i found that i pursued the perfect shots even more because of immediate feedback. to see crap shots so instantly made me more vigilant to have a better eye, to not have to delete images so frequently.

im protective of my work. well, im protective really more of my fragile ego, so i was very selective as to who saw what.

one night, oh so long ago, i brought pictures that i had taken over the years with my film camera to share with w. i honestly didnt know what was in that batch, and when i leaned in on his shoulders as he flipped through the 4 x 6 prints, i saw pictures i hadnt seen in ages.

pictures of the exbf. pictures of my son as a youngster looking so cute with puffy cheeks. pictures of vegas, of san francisco, of san diego.

the way he responded and reacted moved me to take more pictures. his presence, his manliness, his touches made me feel so feminine and artistic that i took more shots, that i made decisions to become take more classes, to become a photograper.

so, here i find myself as a bystander as my life is at a crossroads.

i cannot satisfy my hunger of being creative, of being a photographer, of being a graphic designer.

and im so sick of being a counselor.

i hate it.

there. i said it.

today at work was almost unbearable to the point where i wanted to cry and walk out and risk being homeless.

my work is all about the benjamins.

tonite was my first class. its a prereq. i got permission to take this class and a photoshop class concurrently.

and i was tired, but i was reenergized by the projects and by the information we will walk out of there with.

the instructor is a cool dude, and he asked us tonite to introduce ourselves and our goals.

mine was simple. i want to freelance as a graphic designer when i go to sfai. i dont want to work in the school system for awhile.

id like to take more photography classes, a portrait class next semester. that way, i can really take better pictures and not be so hit or miss.

so far, ive only hit, but its stressful.

~*~*~

i drive home, so tired that sometimes, im dangerously on auto pilot.

its almost fall, even though the days are unbearably hot.

cricu went to san francisco this weekend. it was her first time, and she said to me, now i know why you want to move up there, m. its so different from los angeles.

right?

yeah. the weather is perfect, the buildings are different from each other, and you see sights that you would see only up there.

oh, yeah? like what?

there was a gay festival, and at the end, we saw two bums holding hands, walking away.

so cute...even bums can get someone...and i cant.

this is my life right now: work, class, child. no variety. dinners with friends here and there, but seriously? no man. i havent been kissed in such a long time, and i know that im being very deliberate in staying away.

in the past, i had been so careless and selfish about guys. i knew i didnt have time, so i went to them knowing it was going to be very short term.

sometimes, there was misunderstanding and always frustration on their parts. and i wasnt the best communicator, so i disappeared or became distant, and when they persisted and pursued, i ran faster and farther.

but now, i have a conscience, thanks to w. i mean, now, i really think about the consequences of my actions, and i care whether or not they are hurt or affected.

fortunately, i havent been meeting anyone lately. and maybe its because i havent been looking...or i havent been looking in that way.

which, in all honesty, is my preferred way of living.

for the moment.

monday the first

this weekend was really fun, and i know i need to get out more and work on my social life, but i dont know when to find the time.

~*~*~

saturday, eloco and i met up and had lunch at wild thyme. the cute little waiter was there, and he greeted me like this: youre still eating here?

well, not lately. youre still working here?

yeah, they made me a manager on the weekends.

fools!

he was cute. kept flirting. touching my arm or shoulders. i, on the other hand, was completely and utterly self-conscious about the whole thing.

i havent been to my project, so of course, im having issues related to that and my self-esteem.

but he was so cute the whole time. trying to impress and shit.

eloco was totally flirting with him, but i wasnt. i wasnt in the mood.

today, dapel and i had dinner at gordon biersch, and the cute little waiter was so nice he comped our desserts. he was so cute! he wants to be a swimmer. and when we were leaving, he said to me, i hope i see you at pcc.

me, too. but i go tuesdays, thursdays, and fridays. at night.

ill try to bump into you.

soooo cute!!! hes going on mondays and wednesdays and fridays.

of course im not entertaining any ideas. are you crazy? im old enough to be his mother. that would be...gross.

~*~*~

class again tomorrow, and im so freaking excited. i took pics of iremas kids on friday, and they sucked. see, this is what happens when i dont practice.

its hard sometimes, you know? i feel my creative juices drying up.

and i dont know why im compelled to take these classes and run myself ragged.

time will tell.

i have to trust that this is leading me somewhere.