in dreams

big bear 08.2008 by agape+photography

he and i were in the area to see a fabulous new place. we asked for directions, cut through a restaurant, walked into some back alley, and emerged into some unfamiliar street.

it started to rain, so we ducked into a mattress store where the chinese owners were trying to sell us bedsheets. i was tempted, but i hadnt brought my wallet.

he grabbed my hand, and he pulled me away before the bargaining began.

while we didnt find the outdoor supermall, we did happen upon an outdoor concert that was going on despite the rain. he found a dry area, and he spread the blanket.

we lied down, he on his side, me on mine, trying desperately not to touch. we were talking about everything, fast, the way we usually do.

he made me laugh, and i impulsively leaned over to kiss him. it felt naturally and not at all clumsy.

so, i did it again.

this time, he pulled me in closer to him.

he moved over me, and i unzipped his pants and pushed them down to his knees. he pulled the blanket over us, and we were alone and semi-private.

he entered me, and i tried to enjoy him. i tried.

but all i could think about was his girlfriend. and how our friendship would change after all this. and how im not feeling this whole thing.

and how i wanted it to stop.

and how wrong it felt. even in dreams, it felt wrong.

i dont know if i pushed him off of me, or if he did it willingly, but soon, we were not connected.

we managed to walk back to my house, in silence, quickly.

and he watched my family. i felt so uncomfortable with him there, so i asked him, do you want to go?

yeah.

okay. well, thank you. i had a great time.

he walked out, and i yelled, hey. im sorry it didnt work out. im a great lover. and im sure you are, too. i just dont know what happened.

okay.

look, youre one of my best friends. can this be fixed?

and he stood there. frozen. thinking.

but he didnt answer.

and i realized that even in my dreams, i know that we cannot and are not anything more than friends.

before bed

colorado bridge 01.2009 by agape+photography

the rain fell hard for a few minutes, then disappeared.

its just as well...i want to listen to the drops with someone, and lately, there hasnt been anyone.

this is, im afraid, a choice ive made, a conscious choice, a welcomed choice.

if i had to meet w so i can have this clarity in my life, then im glad.

im happier now more than ive ever been in my life, and there are so many factors for it.

i feel closer to God, feel more confident in the choices ive made. im more positive and stronger.

there are more things i have to do, to accomplish. mistakes are abundant, but i have the courage to let bad days go more quickly than before, and i love this.

~*~*~

i thought about igra today, and i felt an ache for him. i keep going back and forth about why i dont want him in my life in a capacity that is more than friendship.

i so adore him, and deep down, he and i are just kindred spirits.

~*~*~

went to do a quick night shoot on the bridge again. theres not that many ways to document images there, but the lamps are so sweet, and the curvature of the road defined, and i love it.

there will be more photo ops in a few weeks on the way to sf. two weeks. two bloody, long weeks.

and the thought of it keeps me up at night.

just a few things...

plaza olvera 12.2008 by agape+photography

...to let go of before i begin this day.

^ the thought that my work isnt good enough
^ being critiqued and confirming it
^ feeling guilty because i dont regret what ive done
^ being torn up because its becoming all clear to me after years of being blind to it
^ the excitement of moving up to sf and the fear that maybe all the excitement is for naught

^ how much my friend looks like rick springfield, although rick is way hotter and he plays the guitar
^ my friend plays the guitar, too, but he never shared it with me
^ if igra is really happy behind the silliness and the facade of his empty smile
^ how easy it was to talk to serga after the flirtation and the wicked innuendos
^ getting laid is something i need to do, just like before with nsa

^ a photoshoot in dtla tomorrow night, alone because i dont like distraction
^ going up the coast and finding amazing sights and views and capturing them
^ which pictures ill display in class today
^ withdrawals from searching my new site obsession
^ ideas of projects...making them into realities already

~*~*~

that was really very futile. now, my mind is cleared up a little to focus and stuff.

i need to take another beginning digital photography class in the summer, probably at elac.

i just tallied up all of the things that i didnt need to spend for this month, and the amount is almost $600. im going to cancel a lot of needless things.

okay, im going to start this day now with a bit of reading.

i love the rain, the romantic and sexiness of it all...but not when i have to go out and do stuff.

it just makes me lazy.

oh, to have someone to snuggle up with.

cross 09.2008 by agape+photography

the rain wet the grounds today, but not as much as was expected. tomorrow, if the clouds and the wetness hold, im going to take lots of pictures. i have to. its my obsession.

ive decided to buy this birthday present for myself. i cant wait to play with it in sf and the coast. ill have to get it eventually to shoot the may wedding. and zobe approached me today for a photoshoot. ill charge her $150 for an hour and give her a disc of images.

~*~*~

i stopped by his room today, and when he saw me peeking in through the door, he smiled and came out to greet me.

he was a bit reserved today. maybe hes tired or perhaps our talk yesterday gave him a different view of me.

i started with, im glad we had a talk yesterday. it made me think.

no, thank you.

you were more serious.

you think i bullshit, dont you?

yes.

i know. its because im always playing around.

um...no, its because youre a guy.

he looked at me. and i felt exposed. and uncomfortable. so i said good bye and asked what he was going to do this weekend.

just stay home, hang out.

hhhmmm...sounds good. a bit calm. but have a good one.

i walked away, and when i turned around, he was watching me, and he uttered something that i couldnt understand.

i smiled at him, and he smiled back.

i know what im doing, and im not sure how this will play out, but for now, its fun.

~*~*~

in another building, there has been some heavy flirting with djc. on his part.

and on my part.

theres something so fucking sexy about him, and in alternate universe, i would. fuck. him.

but in this one, not so much.

just not going to happen.

~*~*~

tomorrow, class and family stuff.

sunday, church, lunch, shopping, and a photo shoot.

monday, off.

next friday, off.

next saturday, party for my neice who shares the same birthday as me.

next sunday, church.

next monday, off...to celebrate with brenfi our birthdays.

the saturday after that, the class while the boy is playing the violin with the orchestra at disneyland.

the sunday after that, sf.

the monday after that, the boys birthday and campus tour of sfai.

when we get back, valentines day, party to celebrate my and my sons birthday at dave and busters. limited to family.

wow.

busy.

notes

disney concert hall 07.2008 by agape+photography

theres no physical attraction, not at least on my part, though i find that when he was off track for two months, i missed the flirtation and the attention.

i spoke to him first, told him that i loved his accent which was better than his friends, quinto.

he was flattered, i guess, but i was sarcastic, so he couldnt tell if i were serious or if i were joking. and since he didnt know me, he didnt know what to expect.

i told him i was single, and he said he was, too, but i didnt believe it, and it was confirmed by another math teacher. it was fine, i didnt care, but he didnt have to lie.

he asked me what i did on the weekends, and when he went out, he was careful to let it be known that he went out with the boys. once, he suggested that we drink at my house, and it made me think of him as a little party boy.

im not attracted to him physically, yet i find myself visiting him when im in the area. yesterday, i saw him, and usually, id get turned off when men look me up and down, but with him, its harmless.

today, i stopped by again. he looked up, smiled, and said, hey, sexy machine.

he got up from his desk, stood by me, and poured some heavy flirting all over me. i told him i was leaving, and when he asked me where i was going, i told him that im applying to the new school, but if not there, then ideally, the new high school in dtla.

he told me he was working until 5 today, which is an hour and a half later than i leave on a given day. he said he enjoyed the money, but he was looking for something more.

really? i asked. i know what you mean. youre trying to find a purpose to your life?

yes, thats it.

i told him that i was going to sf when i go on vacation.

i think when we try to deny what it is we really want to do, we eventually find our way to it, i said.

i agree. god, you know i really like your style. youre so direct, you tell it like it is. no bullshit.

i dont like head games, but other games, i like. i smiled at him.

im serious. youre all personality.

come on, stop. are you playing me?

no. not you. im telling you. you just tell it the way it is.

really, you dont have to say all these things.

i know. im just letting you know. you make me think about things.

i do?

everything youre saying makes so much sense. its what ive been thinking about.

you know, im happiest now than ive ever been because i know where i want my life to focus. but it took awhile for me to figure it out. i thought i needed men to help figure things out, so i slept with them. but it just made things worse. i needed to do lots of self reflection.

thats the point where i am right now.

good. and its going to be hard, but you have to be honest with yourself. i think thats more difficult sometimes.

im going to think about where i want my life to go. im getting tired of this, of making money, of spending it. i need something different.

~*~*~

its been a wonderful time at poly, even though i faced some challenges. living through it makes me stronger.

i put it in a request of transfer today, and im going to ask g.lo for a letter of rec.

this is a decision that i feel good about, strongly about, and its a right time.

~*~*~

another right decision that im making is opening myself up to a new adventure with a man who loves me and who i love.

i need that, crave that.

i hate the drama, but we will work it out.

i know this. i have faith in it.

know what?

big bear lake 08.2008 by agape+photographer

i realized just now, just this moment...

that i have moved on.

and let me tell you, it feels good.

its as if i just breathed some refreshing air, and i love it.

so, my three week vacation? not going to happen. i have to go in for three days the week before i go to sf.

ive been called, so i have to go.

history

mormon rocks 01.2009 by agape+photography

its an historic day, and i wonder if you feel it, too?

im staying home today to witness this because my grandchildren and my great grandchildren will know where their grandmother and great grandmother was when the first black president took office.

i have so much work to do really, but if i didnt and if this inauguration werent today, id be out photographing amazing cloud formations over the san gabriel mountains.

~*~*~

its frustrating. in this phase of my life, i feel the dichotomy of my being more pronounced now than ever.

ill be 40 in a few weeks, though i feel as if im still in my 20s with a bit more wisdom and more compassion and more graceful...yet a part of me, the gypsy part of me wants to run, needs to migrate, aspire to find myself.

im a counselor, working with the most amazing women and students and parents and staff...but theres this part of me that had been neglected for so long yearning for some air time. the artist wants the chance to come to the edge and soar, and i will allow it.

im a mother to an amazing child, who this morning prayed for the president to have patience and strength for our citizens. he takes my breath away, and while its taken me a few years now to not struggle with him for a kiss or for a hug, i still wish he can sit on my lap and let me read my favorite stories to him.

and theres a journey thats waiting for me in the city where ive wanted to live since before my child was conceived. i should be afraid of the upcoming changes because truthfully? i will be painting on a new canvas.

a new canvas with more vivid colors, different tools, better vision.

~*~*~

when i was 18, i wanted to be rich because my family struggled financially, not to mention emotionally. i dreamed of having a certain amount in my bank account, believing that money would make my problems go away.

i was in chicago then, spending the summer before i left for college in my suburban home, and i got a call from my friend from high school in la. she told me she was pregnant, that she was keeping the baby, and that she wouldnt have any support because as an orphan being raised by her grandmother, she would be kicked out to the streets.

and a vision, a clear vision, passed over me. i saw a young boy holding my hand and we sitting in a balcony overlooking a busy street. then so many images washed over me...going to the museum, the zoo, driving around...just the two of us.

so, i knew this part of my life that had yet to be.

~*~*~

going to college, i was excited and overwhelmed with joy leaving my childhood, the suburbs, friends, my strict father and subserviant mother.

i didnt know what to expect, so i expected nothing and received so much.

i received love from a redhaired boy who was also my best friend. i received my first academic failings and rose above it by taking more credits than was allowed. i received a male in my body and learned so much more on my being a female.

stress was defined for me, stress of not knowing, not having. stress of being alone yet surrounded by so many. stress of wanting to grow up, to run before walking.

stress of not getting enough sleep, of physical pain, of emotional pain.

i learned how deeply empty i can truly feel and how lonely my world can truly be.

i learned how to write, how to chronicle my thoughts, how to read how jumbled i was.

i learned how to live with little, but never giving up journals and pens. everything else was burdensome.

and i wanted to run away then, so i did.

left one college town to go to another.

starting over without knowing, without money.

not knowing anyone, but feeling self reliant.

~*~*~

i always look for patterns. as a predominant right brainer who struggled with math, i found that the easiest way to learn it and then eventually to teach it was to look for patterns.

the exbf loved this movie that drove me insane. in it, the character goes mad because of the patterns in the world that he sees.

and my own patterns in my life, sometimes? they drive me insane.

and thank God for w. thank God that he came into my life to help me change my pattern as a woman.

and i thank God for my son, who changed my pattern as a person.

and i thank God for my family, my friends, and people who are kind for they changed my pattern as a citizen of this world.

im humbled by those who help me, and im moved to pay it forward.

~*~*~

so, i look forward to my fourth decade on this earth, expecting nothing, except continued challenges that i will face with courage and grace, continued kindness that i will treasure and hope to bestow.

i look forward to learning from books and from life and from humble beings. i look forward to seeing the world, cities, blocks from a new perspective.

i look forward to breathing in a new air, to grow, to climb the steps that will lead to my self efficacy.

~*~*~

sometimes, i wonder who i am. i search through this blog, through my journals, through my photographs.

i reflect on the choices ive made as a mother, as a daughter, as a friend, as a sister.

and in my search, ive come to the conclusion that who i am is constantly evolving and the experiences ive had have built a foundation for me to stand on, to wake up on, to move up from.

if i need self definition, i look at my skin, in my eyes, in my faith.

i look at the heavens and listen for Gods whisper.

and sometimes, amid the noise and amid the visual assault, i hear Him.

~*~*~

i know who i am. i may not know how ill react to everything, but im confident that ill react with grace and with humility.

and thats exactly how i want to be.

directionality

dtla 07.2008 by agape+photography

its been frustrating the past three days to capture images.

the landscape shoot sucked. last night, i drove around dtla, looking for inspiration, hoping to find one on figueroa street, across from the laemmle, where w and i once saw a movie. i loved that night, loved being fingered by him in the theatre, then making love to him so sweetly and slowly.

i miss that man so much, and last night, i felt the vacancy the shape of his kiss in my world.

and i wonder what would happen if he and i were to go back in time...but this is where i stop. i have to. i cant go further because where would i end up?

ive spent the better part of almost two years grieving, reflecting, changing, moving, crying, twisting our story in my mind, and i cant do it anymore.

he was an inspiration, and id love to look into his eyes again, to feel his breath on my lips again, to feel his skin rub against mine again, but.

theres always that but. but it will never happen.

~*~*~

its becoming so real, my upcoming move to sf. charges for the hotel appeared in my online statement today, and im so excited.

i work for four more days, then ill be off for three. this excites me, and i feel so blessed that im in a profession that allows it. and im getting paid.

theres so many things i want to capture when im in sf, and i fear that the boy will be bored out of his mind. i know he will be.

but lately, ive been breathing photography like an obsession, and i need to commune with the city to get some shots.

~*~*~

its time to let someone in again, to allow myself to get to know another.

its not so much that i want to date...i hate dating.

no, im not going to do it yet.

~*~*~

im sleepy because once again, i was hit with insomnia. i slept at 430 this morning and woke up around 9. lines and i went for a walk around the rose bowl an hour later.

so here i sit, typing this while my eyes close a little. its only 715, and i have laundry to fold and some to dry, and all i want to do is sleep.

~*~*~

my lifetime has been marked with events that will go down in the history books. some not so great.

and others?

well, see, tomorrow, he will no longer be a president-elect. he will be president.

and it makes my heart tingle, and it makes my thoughts sing, and it makes me weepy to be amidst of all of this love.

of course, we cant dismiss that the very man who made this happen celebrates his day today.

id like to close this with some inspirational words in the form of prayer.

on a friday afternoon

big bear 08.2008 by agape+photography

we met here, two hours later than planned. he was sitting in the patio area, the same place we sat the last time we were together.

i didnt see him right away, my attention taken by a kiss hello from and an accusation of infidelity by this flirtatious charmer.

when i got to the table, we both had great big grins, and i hugged him. and it felt so warm and sweet.

we ordered a pitcher of sangria, and when the waitress came to our table for a third time to take our order, he politely requested, can you please give us 20 minutes? we have to catch up.

we hadnt even looked at the menu, we were so busy talking and laughing.

the flirtatious charmer had been hanging around, so i called him over to our table. if theres an elephant in the room, acknowlege it, and it miraculous disappears. except this guy? he didnt disappear. he came over a few times. hugged me, massaged my shoulders, poured more sangria into my glass.

i dont know what the point was, why he did this knowing i was here clearly to hang out with igra. i made it no secret.

igra was being a good sport until finally, he asked, how do you know him?

i dont know him.

well, he knows you. he mentioned that you knew of his penis.

hes kidding.

come on. tell me. you dont know him from here.

i dont know him.

well, he knows you.

no. he doesnt.

did you sleep with him?

no. i have taste. hes a slut. i dont sleep with sluts. i sleep with the shy and the pure. virgins.

i refused to answer anymore questions, so we turned the conversation over to his brother. for some reason, ive blocked meeting him. or more accurately, it never happened.

i mean, come on. my memory? not that bad.

he knows you, m. he mentioned you. said you had a conversation with him. how can you not remember?

you should ask him how he knows me. because ive never met him. i would have remembered.

youre right. ill ask him. but all im saying is that he knows you. i even asked him about it the last time he and i talked a few days ago.

he mentioned his girlfriend. insider stuff that makes me wonder if hes really into her or if hes just afraid to be alone.

he looked at his watch. i have until 5. i have a game in the westside, and i have to go back to work to pick up a few things. you know how traffic is.

i told him about the impending trip to sf, how excited i am, causing him to remark, we are afraid of you, m.

why?

because you have the courage to do what it is we only want to do. you intimidate us.

who?

us men.

ah, no wonder im still single.

he mentioned more than three times the concept of challenges and growing from them. the thing is, hes processing and projecting.

theres so much going on in my life, m, you dont know.

he told me his current living situation, and i felt uncomfortable when he mentioned his girlfriend and competing with her dog for the bed.

and then he said something in passing that i will not mention here, but this something made me sad and feel protective of him.

he looked at his watch and said, shit.

whats wrong?

just when we are getting to the good stuff, i have to go. ten minutes.

i showed him something i wrote back in august. he read it, laughing appropriately, and when he finished, he said, i love your writing, m. you have talent.

thank you.

i still have that picture, you know. its in my bedroom, but im making room for it in my office. its a shame i dont enjoy it more.

okay.

and im so glad you wrote about that night because i didnt remember the lightning. thanks for reminding me.

youre welcome.

its all about me.

yes, it is. and i dont mention you by name because i believe in confidentiality and privacy.

im glad you dont mention my name. its like a secret between you and me. fuck.

what? you have to go?

yes.

okay. whats wrong?

nothing. its just youre leaving...

yes, but ill be back. im not leaving until the boy goes to college.

really? phew...

what?

i thought youd go up there now, then come back here for a few months, and leave for good.

nope, not yet.

good. i still need time with you.

i drove him to his car. he hugged me and whispered, i want you to meet my girlfriend.

i want you to meet my son. and then ill take engagement pictures of you and her.

no. no engagement.

i laughed. got into my car. pulled into the lane.

he pulled next to me. smiled. waved.

and all over again, i felt the void of him.

it doesnt make sense. we are friends. hes got a girlfriend.

why cant we just get it together already?

soon, itll be late. i know this.

but what i know more is that he and i will always be just friends.

past midnight

balboa park 08.2008 by agape+photography

from yesterday, via text.

he: hi.

me: hi!!!

he: thinking of you.

me (wondering if i should make a joke or ignore this comment): cool. happy new year! are you at west valley oc? hows your mom?

he: likewise. moms good. not working now. hows the little one?

me: not so little anymore. we are going up to sf to see the art school ill be applying to. he will be 16 that day. happier not working?

~*~*~

from today, via text.

me: hey.

he: hey!!!

me: whatcha up to?

he: working at my moms shop. where are you?

me: in my office. ive been working a lot on my photography.

he: would love to see.

me: would love for you to see.

he: when are you free to hang?

~*~*~

i honestly didnt think we would communicate again. the last time we went out, it was awkward, weird. he was moody, per usual, and i was just not in the mood.

he cut his hair then, and i remember when we first hung out, telling him how i loved his hair, running my fingers through it, not meaning anything by it.

because he was married.

our friendship has gone through so much, despite how little time weve known each other.

there was a lot of tension and frustration. he hated that i had friends, both male and female. felt threatened by both. needed so much attention.

i hated that he was so cowardly, couldnt make a move just for the fuck of it, had to constantly weigh pros and cons, void of spontaneity.

that was long ago, though, and things got so bad between us that i believed our friendship had finally ended when he went to argentina for the summer.

when he came back, he visited me and acted as if nothing had happened prior to his departure, although i hurt. but by that time, i was involved with and focused on w.

he changed, and we talked about how much more free he felt being there. his separation was concrete, he wasnt going back to her.

he was flirtatious, but i was with w.

and today, i remembered how sad he always seemed. when we spoke last time, he mentioned how he hadnt been happy since being in college. i told him i didnt feel the same, that this was the time of my life.

the problem between us was this: there was such strong tension, but neither one of us wanted to act upon it. he wanted me to initiate, but i needed to feel feminine and wanted. thats why i loved being with w.

if we see each other again, i know it will be as if no time had passed between us. i have this bond with friends. and with him, its easy.

however, to maintain is hard. very emotionally consuming. hes used to a woman taking care of him, and he said he hadnt been single since he started dating in high school. its kind of disturbing.

~*~*~

from yesterday, via email.

me: did i tell you i was in love?

igra: what??? why am i always the last to know? who, when, where, what, and how?

me: with you, engineer.

igra: you make me blush. well, ill be a monkeys uncle.

me (needing to difuse the situation): your nieces and nephews are not monkeys...no matter how they behave.

igra: so their furry bodies and knuckle dragging limbs accompanied by spontaneous fits of shrieking and jumping are masks hiding behind human beans? really?

me: as long as theyre not picking lice off of your hair and eating them, theyre homo sapiens.

igra: its usually me doing that. want to meet friday for lunch?

me: tempting...youre not working friday?

igra: i have the late morning, early afternoon off. are you working? we can meet some other time and you can meet my relatives gone ape.

i called him. left a voice mail. he called me. left a voice mail. i called him. left a voice mail.

i truly love this guy. i just wish i can feel more for him, feel eros for him, but i cant. i cant.

shel wonders why. i tell her its because i think our friendship is so important to me that i wont taint it with sex. besides, hes got a girlfriend. still. i think.

~*~*~

our photos were critiqued in class today. i got some good feedback.

of course, ive had anxiety all day to until about 8 pm when my photos were displayed on screen.

i felt good about them.

and on friday, after lunch with igra, shel and i will drive here to take some shots for saturdays class.

before bed

chinatown 11.2008 by agape+photography

so many thoughts running through my mind, ideas i have to acknowledge or they wont let me go to sleep. and i cannot afford another night of insomnia.

next sunday, i want to go on an all day photoshoot in dtla to scope out locations. i plan for this to be at least three hours, driving around, finding parking, using my p80 and d40x, no tripod, no photoshop.

i wish i had models, but really? its all good. street photography. photojournalism. ive always wanted to be one, so heres an opportunity.

part of this comes from looking at some photoblogs and feeling inspired and needing to take pictures.

part of it is that i have some jobs that i have to prepare for...and i dont want to go to the huntington or the park. i think having dtla as a backdrop would kick ass.

~*~*~

i cannot wait to leave for sf, and im more determined to pack up here and go.

again, the anxiety builds everytime i think of it, but honestly? its a good thing. its protective, i know, but i have to...want to...take this risk.

if it doesnt work out, i will stay in la, and travel when im off. but lets face it. it will work. it will.

a parent of one of my students is also a minister. when i told him of my plans, he was so supportive, and he said this to me when i questioned whether or not i just wanted to run away: God plants seeds in our minds and in our hearts. He wants you to do this, otherwise you wouldnt be dreaming of it.

hes so absolutely right. hes also one of my favorite parents, but when he calls or comes to my office, i feel some sort of tension.

oh, well. hes a minister. not like mlk, jr., but i think he was ordained by the church. i dont know.

~*~*~

met up with lines tonite. honestly? i think she and i are better friends...or we could be. she told me some news about dines, and now i know why she hasnt been calling lately. i cannot deal with her neurotic tendencies. they bring out the worst of mine.

so lines and i made plans to hang out at least twice a month, fulfilling one of my resolutions.

and i wish i can be here to take pics of her sons bday party, but we will be on our way to sf.

~*~*~

i must meet with arv to get a website up. i have an idea of how i want to do it, so im just going to fork over the cash to make more cash.

i dont want to be a wedding photographer, but i will do engagement shots in all sorts of locations. i have to plan a beach shoot, too, since we have some pretty nice ones. havent been lately, and i want to go now, in the winter, where the sunlight is not as intense as it would be in the summer months.

~*~*~

theres just not enough time in the day.

lupak said her wedding photographer is also an engineer. i read his blog, and he is determined to teach photography to kids in third world countries. i think we must partner up.

hes like twelve or something. he looks young. he shoots documentary style, which is as close to how i shoot, so its pretty cool. ill figure out how to contact him.

the more i speak of my vision about why im getting an urban studies degree, the more it becomes stunningly accessible and real.

this is such a beautiful thing.

~*~*~

while im moving forward in my career and in my the next phase of my life in a new city with a new goal and a renewed energy, im stuck in my personal life.

i dont pay much attention to it, i dont put care into it, i dont acknowledge it.

because i hardly remember that i dont have anyone. im healing in a fabulous way, broken pieces of my heart have been put back together in a way that is much safer and more beautiful.

and yes, i have to forgive myself. i have to take ownership of forgiving myself the way i took ownership of the hurt and shittiness i inflicted on w.

its taking some time to do this. a part of me is still flabbergasted. and its been so long since the deed was done.

i miss him, i miss w. and maybe not so much his kisses anymore, not so much his essence as much, not so much making love with him...but i miss this person who has profoundly affected me.

just like i cant imagine being igras lover, i cant imagine how w and i can be friends. we havent spoken in such a long time, and i just dont know how much more i can try to contact him. i dont know how much more i can be dismissed.

it isnt even pride at this point, but it is. hes just an amazing person, and perhaps his own issues prevent him from ever contacting me again, so i figure, ill just let it go.

let it go.

but its hard, you know, when i still dream of him, when its him i still want, when its because of him that i picked up my camera again.

does he need to know this? i dont know, but i do need to get it out of me.

drive by post

big bear 08.2008 by agape+photography

the past few days at work have been unbearable, and if i didnt have to do so much shit before i go on vacation, i would take the next month off. the money is good, but it feels like im selling my soul, and my soul is priceless.

however, some updates: i will have a new boss on tuesday, some flatline, unpleasant ogre because vida is going to the new school. has she told us? no. well, only lorco, who tells us what we need to know.

~*~*~

class started on tuesday, and if i werent in such pain today, pain that has lasted for 12 hours now...sometimes dull and other times intense, i would have gone to another on landscape photography. black and white. and i may just go back to film and the darkroom.

i loved the darkroom, but damn, its a bit frustrating. its all good. the fee includes lab, and materials are provided. this, i cannot wait.

~*~*~

i was contacted by the previous parish administrator at holy family because i expressed interest in doing photography work for mission haiti. this may be an opportunity to travel and meet people and lead to a really good job. can you say photojournalism?

ive confirmed a tour and a meeting with an intake counselor at sfai for the ninth of february. this will mark the birth of my son sixteen years ago. so, after sfai, i want to take my boy to berkeley and sausalito or something cool. on the way up, i think we will take the 101 through santa barbara, up to carmel, and pass by monterey. the boys father and i did this drive once, and it was lovely. it was a bit scary when the exbf and i and my son did it, but this time, all will be well.

~*~*~

when im on vacation...a whole three beautiful weeks...im going to work on my resume and contact several leads. i know for sure my heart and my soul do not belong at poly anymore, and i can let it go now.

im very excited at some of the people i will be speaking with, and i feel this overwhelming sense of peace of leaving my position, despite the economic downturn.

ah, letting go. i feel so good about it, so free. its a bit scary, yet its liberating.

~*~*~

i want to buy my d90. i want to take pictures and learn about the camera.

im going to take classes at samys while im on vacation, and im going to be mindful not to spend money buying new lenses and backpacks.

if i dont buy my d90 for my 40th birthday present, then ill get it before the wedding i will be shooting.

lupak and i spoke today. she wants me to take her engagement pictures. i gave her a price. and i have to talk to jenmu about her engagement photos and to megbro about her maternity pictures.

~*~*~

i need to get a website going. i cant just say it anymore, i have to contact arv and tell him im ready.

i personally like the pictures i take, and lorco has used my pics for her desktop. even mikme who is sporting a ron burgundy stache asked me to copy some of my photo files so he can use it on his computer. if he tells his friends about me, i will have more photography jobs.

~*~*~

life is busy again.

classes on tuesdays and saturdays, reserved time on thursdays and fridays with my son, health classes on random thursdays, orchestra practice for my son on mondays and wednesdays, and sunday will be the catchall day.

theres just not enough time. i havent even seen dines at all. and thats not really such a bad thing.

i will join the skidrow photography club and if time permits, have a show at a winebar in echo park probably in june. by then, ill have some really good pictures to exhibit.

~*~*~

my son and i are getting along better, and i dont know if its just the new year, or if hes maturing, or if i am, but i love spending time with him.

i cannot wait for this trip.

this is the hotel we will be staying.

i wish we could spend more time there, but the boy is so paranoid about missing school days. that is both awesome and constricting the same.

in the summer, he will be taking a trip to hawaii with his grandfather, his father, and his younger brother. at this point, i think i will be taking a photo trip by myself, just to see what i can do when i spread my wings.

itll only be for a week, and i will be on summer break, so this is something i need to do.

i love this year so far.

quickie

san gabriel mission 12.2007 by agape+photography

last night, he said, youve been quiet, you must be in love.

no, not quite. i was busy with work, and then i got sick most of november and december.

no guy?

nope. just mucus. same difference, yeah?

then later, he said, i told you about my family, didnt i?

um, yeah, a little. bits and pieces.

well, youve met my brother, j, right?

nope.

yes, you did, m.

no, i havent.

yes, you have. you teased him about how quiet he was.

listen, ive never met anyone other than you in your family.

m, i know youve met him because i remember talking to him about you. are you sure you werent heavily medicated when you met him?

i can tell you all the places we have been, and in all those places, you have never once introduced me to your family.

tell me.

weve been to mass at st joes but never to holy family, weve been...

we have never gone to mass together?

nope.

when are you going next?

sunday, in the afternoon. i have something going on in the morning.

okay, hey, listen...and then he went on to tell me about how much of a workaholic he is and that the amount of work he puts in doesnt equal the pay he receives.

he also revealed why hes been working so hard, and i realize how much of our values agree. and it touches me so, how selfless he is.

and then, he said, so, you have to come over one day when youre more open minded about my new business.

im always open minded.

then youll have to come over.

yeah, lets set something up, but i have to go now. ive got to pick up shel for class.

okay, im off to a meeting, and if you want to get a hold of me, ill be free after nine.

he doesnt mention his girlfriend. it doesnt mean shes out of the picture.

and i didnt call him back after class. i was too exhausted.

hes a good friend. i cant imagine it to be anything more.

yet, i think he and i are so cautious and tense.

thats why alcohol is always a part of our gathering.

ugly, from the inside that radiates to the outside

ann coulter is a cunt rag.

who can stand listening to her idiocy, really? is she a train wreck that this society is fascinated by?

this dumbfuck has insulted single mothers, and while i personally take no offense to this because i know my child is amazing and is on the other end of the spectrum, i feel for the mothers and fathers whose children made wrong choices and mistakes.

the stringy-haired loud mouth talking skull is poisonous and is outrageously pitiful.

im an educated woman, proud of what i have and regret nothing ive done except when ive hurt. i can listen to this vicious, illogical ugliness and not react emotionally because i know that one of the things i love in this country is freedom. and this idiot has the freedom to spew out her ignorance.

but damn, really? she must be such an unhappy, sad dingleberry. and in the middle of the night, when its quiet, she must really hate herself. which is why she has to be bold.

thank God for others whose voices are louder, whose reasons are more logical, whose hearts are kinder. because they are the ones whose energy leads us.

peace.

cold feet

somewhere 11.2007 by agape+photography

literally. i cant find my warm and fuzzy socks that i keep in the last place ive left them, which is usually where i kicked them off.

its late. i wanted to be asleep by 11, but my son and i were having problems with movie maker, and after we finally figured it out (he was the brains about saving his project from his computer because mine was having problems), i need to relax.

im ready to go back to work, to see reenergized friends and students, to feel like im doing something besides staying up late and sleeping in. but you know, ive got so much work to do thats not even counselor related.

~*~*~

my son and i will be going up to san francisco on feb 8th, the day after he plays with the orchestra at disneyland and the day before he turns 16.

we will be there to check out the art school, check out berkeley (no chance in hell) and santa cruz, churches, little neighborhoods where id live, and just hang out in the city that fills me with inspiration and ideas.

ill text his father to let him know we are going in case he wants to have dinner...just the both of them...i dont think id like to be a part of that testosterone bonding. besides, it would be awkward for me.

its all good.

~*~*~

all day, this is the message that i was getting: dont worry/about a thing/cause every little things/ gonna be all right.

because it will be, yeah? everything always, without fail, without cowardice, works out the way its supposed to.

money problems, work anxieties, agonizing about the future...well...really? im so happy and blessed. i need to be graceful about this, to trust, to have faith.

and im going to remember my resolutions about courage, about feeling the fear and doing it anyway.

~*~*~

i took a long nap this afternoon, and i had a lovely dream.

in it, i allowed a stranger with a beautiful accent hop into my car. as we drove, we discussed something that escapes me now, and it may have been to clarify a misunderstanding we had.

he kissed me. and i didnt pull away.

we arrived in santa monica, realized his hotel room was in the other direction, and drove back.

when we got to his hotel, we were in the lobby with an obnoxious couple who thought they were just oh so cute.

i almost kicked the girls ass, but i didnt want to tarnish this guys perception of me.

i woke up because my feet were cold, literally, and all i felt was warmth and hope.

~*~*~

although i havent contacted w for a long time now, i still manage to say good night to him as im falling asleep.

its kind of silly, but harmless, so i dont really stress about it.

good night, baby.

thoughts

artists village balboa park 8.2008 by agape+photography

i dont know why i allow stress to affect me so deeply that it becomes an extreme shock to my system. lets face it, whenever theres something that goes wrong or whenever i spiral, at the end, everything is going to be all right.

just the way its supposed to be. just the way its meant to be. just the way its fated, destined.

and if this is so, why does my heart still beat rapidly to the point of elevating my blood pressure and causing me a tension headache?

because i wouldnt be me if i didnt allow it.

~*~*~

i know this year is going to bring about great changes.

ill be 40 in a few months, but age hasnt really forced me to behave in any certain way. i guess im lucky because i already have a child, and the need to marry and push out another isnt really in my realm right now. spending time with my baby cousin yesterday who is all smiles and cooing made my ovaries a little attentive, but i look at my son, and i know i cannot go through those early years again.

there is one who still lingers in my heart, and i find i whisper, w, please forgive me every night before i fall asleep. its reflexive, really, i dont consciously want to do it. but when im in between dream and awake, i seem to lose control of holding it in.

as for men, well, im making a firm decision to not get involved. i mean it, none of this half assed promises to hang out because i really dont think i can. no, it isnt that im unable to, i just dont want to do it.

letting go has always meant a long, drawn out process that takes place mostly in my mind. its a pain in the ass. ill attribute it to my lack of experience in falling in love. sure, i have crushes, but letting someone in? rare. only done it four times, and w was the fourth person i ever slept the night with.

in the year plus of my celibacy, ive become somewhat comfortable and loving of my time without man contact. its served me well, but i think its time to venture out and see whats out there.

im just so finicky when it comes to this that i know my ennui will get in the way.

~*~*~

its 330 in the morning, and i want to finish this.

shel and i hung out after i had dinner with elaco. shel is becoming a good friend because we share the same love of photography. we plan on taking classes together at tcpc, and itll be good to have someone to make the drive with.

ive been corresponding with some guy, who seemed low maintenance, but now, i realize is just a big baby. i dont like feeling like i have to be cautious with him...or that im insensitive. fuck it.

its cold in this house, and the fog outside makes everything look like a great polaroid picture.

work again in a few days, and im just not ready to go back.

but im going to write to a few contacts to see if they need me. maybe go back into the classroom for a few hours.

i need the cash to pay off the student loans. but it will be good for me, too, to teach again.

im such a night owl that im afraid on sunday night, ill be tossing and turning.

oh, and vidas sister passed yesterday. its so sad...

2009

phs 12.2008 by agape+photography

happy new year!

when i woke up at 530 this morning, i looked out the window, and i saw fog. theres something dramatic, sexy, mysterious, and foreboding.

i woke up again, hours later, to see the sunny skies, and i turned on to watch the rose parade. unfortunately, i got bored and flipped the channel.

i drive down colorado blvd and orange grove blvd so ive seen the set up of the bleachers and the posters of the tournament of roses all over.

a feeling passed over me when i opened my eyes. a feeling of newness, of starting over, of being very inspired to photograph, to live, to play.

and this, i hope, continues for the rest of this year.

im accepting that lovers and friends from the past should just stay there, in the past, just like i messaged w yesterday when he asked who the message was from.

i am also many peoples past, and theyve moved on, and i think its time for me to do the same.

heres to a beautiful start to an amazing year!