uninspired but hopeful

home restaurant 12.2008 by agape+photography

i dont know from where the lack of inspiration comes from, but if i were to think hard and honestly, then id have to admit that i need to bring back some basics into my life: touch, kiss, sex.

this calendar year is almost over, yet i find myself without words, though so many thoughts pass that i wish to grab them with a net and sit with them for awhile.

i havent been able to write, not even when i try with my awesome pen and amazing journal. usually, id have my resolutions done by now, but here i am, sitting with the boy while the 4th indiana jones installment plays.

im not interested in it, but i bought a few days ago when i hung out with dapel. i also bought this little gem, since i cant find the one carfi had burned for me. i thought i left it at w's place, but when i asked him so many months ago, he didnt answer.

~*~*~

theres an amazing photographer who i found when researching here for inspiration. on his blog, he wrote an account of his life the past year, including how many miles he travelled, where hes been, etc.

and i hope next year, i can do that, but for now, id like to offer this.

what has impressed and humbled me this past year is how much we, as a society and as citizens of this country, have gone through...and survived.

i remember sanva telling me, if you never put yourself out there, if you never take risks, then youll never know that you can survive hurt.

and shes right. however, i was never one afraid to think outside the box in many areas of my life, except one. love.

however, this is the section where i laud and honor survivors of the economic misery, of the wildfires and other natural disasters that plagued our beautiful earth, of the tragedies that are broadcasted or not.

i do not know these people, havent heard their stories, but one day, it is my hope to do something to contribute to our history. and its brewing up in my noggin, the beginning stages of planning and risking.

when i was with dapel, i couldnt help but tell him that i need to do something, this being my inspiration. its a calling for me to affect humanity, a pull that grows stronger every day as i get closer to 2011.

thats when the boy and i will be off to college, away from this city that ive outgrown, from people who will be close to my heart but far from my body.

and im so scared to go, so bloody frightened of the unknown and the changes. but i know that if i stay, ill die a little inside every day.

~*~*~

so, i let go of 2008, lazily, with too many thoughts and not enough energy to give them life.

it was a slow year, a time of healing and learning about myself, a reconciliation of what i did, and keeping still.

i avoided contact with men, hesitating and resisting anything that may allow me a glimpse into anothers life. but when i let my guard down, i realized that i tried desperately to make them into w.

in my failed attempts, i granted myself the freedom to not have to replace him and to examine myself without him.

i needed to do this, you understand, because if i didnt, i will have continued unsuccessfully to look for him in the eyes of men who werent him. and i cant afford that in the new year.

ironically, his name appeared on my screen today. he sent me a message accidentally, but being a girl, ill assume it was for me.

i miss him so much, and the loneliness i endured was necessary to get over him and past through what ive done.

the funny thing is that no matter what? he was the only one i cared about, the only one i saw with my heart, the only one i would have allowed in.

but heres the thing about me. when im in a relationship or situation or whatever faux with another, im just not myself.

its only when i am alone, when there is no one in my life, that i feel comfort.

~*~*~

as far as resolutions go, here are mine:

1. to be more mindful of my actions, no matter how big or how small, and the consequences of each

2. to remember that being courageous does not mean an absence of fear, but an aknowledgement of it and doing what i want to do anyway

3. to finally attend what has plagued me for years now and take action to do what it is i have to do to deal with them

4. to spend more time with family

5. to find a new job, to become a better photographer, to write and read, to play and relax

6. to travel and document...and this is where my tuesday night travel photography class kicks in

7. to dream big and to act on it

8. to permit myself to love again...and to be loved (this should be my first and foremost priority)

9. to forgive myself, to love myself, to be good to myself

10. to live out loud, to live daringly, to live freely, to live without regrets, to live a life worth living

im going to print this out and tape it in several places so i can be reminded of where my life is headed.

~*~*~

come to the edge, he said.

they said, we are afraid.

come to the edge, he said.

they came. he pushed, and they flew...

by guillaume apollinaire

notes

san marino 12.2008 by agape+photography

yesterday, shel and i had lunch at my favorite place lgo. its a cute little place that was once a train depot, which is now a restaurant. the food is okay, but the sangria and ambiance? theyre to die for.

we walked in, and i saw this guy, and i whispered shit.

whats wrong? asked shel.

nothing. i think i know that guy.

oh, okay. you going to say hi?

no. um, no.

~*~*~

i was at my project, and i didnt realize i was in front of a guy.

im sorry, am i in your way? i asked.

no, youre fine.

he smiled. charmer.

i mumbled something under my breath in the lines of, well, if i were, what would you have done?

pardon?

sorry? oh, i was talking to myself.

i heard you.

i laughed. he smiled.

i was kidding, i said. i dont want to start a fight and get kicked out.

oh, you wont get kicked out because of a fight...but if we were found in the sauna, then that would be a different story.

we made introductions, and i realized how he reminded me of luro.

theyre both only a few inches taller than me, and theyre both so small and thin but not fragile at all.

whenever we would bump into each other, we flirted. actually, he flirted, and i giggled. he was so sexy, and i was so self-conscious.

one day, i asked, dont you work? i see you hear all the time.

no, i dont, actually. i have a sugar mama. want to be mine?

uh, no, ive done that stint, and i wasnt very good at it.

that was the last conversation we had. he turned me off, really.

i saw him once at trader joes with a girl, and i wondered if they were living together. he was following her like a lost puppy, and again, i was turned off.

~*~*~

hey, i remember you, he said to me when he stopped at our table after looking at us many times.

you do?

yes.

he took my hand and held it.

im alex. remind me of your name again.

m.

yes, m.

how do you know me?

seven years ago? at the gym?

seven years? come on, i was, like a teenager seven years ago.

no, it was four. yes, four years.

we told shel how we met, and at the end, he said, i want to hug you.

shel and i talked and made plans to go shooting on friday, and we both want to see this after.

~*~*~

just got back from midnight mass.

its a tradition my son and i have, and he told me today, i love going to st joes. theres such love, and its small and everyone knows each other.

hes older now, so hes a bit more social. tonite, he was a hit. everyone commented on how tall hes becoming, and my friends there welcome and hug him the way they hug and welcome me.

i have to do search again. march. i dont care. i have to do it.

~*~*~

the last few days, ive had passing thoughts of igra, and yesterday, while roca and i were walking the rose bowl, she asked about him.

the thing is this. hes got someone in his life. and our timing just sucks.

thats just it. our timing sucks.

and it isnt meant to be.

we are friends. lovely friends.

and our friendship evolves and shifts and becomes something different everytime someone or something is introduced to it.

its fine. we have a connection, a deep spiritual connection, and i hope one day to be doves, to do the marriage talk, to always maintain a friendship.

~*~*~

something has been brewing the last two days, something sweet and nice and different.

but im not ready yet to disclose.

if it works out, ill have a friend in the bay area who supports my art and my vision of what i want from sfai.

if it doesnt work out, well, thats the story of my life.

ah, rest

huntington library 03.2008 by agape+photography

i got home yesterday at 430 pm, and my head was pounding.

i changed, wiped the day from my face, and climbed into bed. ive only gotten out to use the bathroom, to brush my teeth, and to take a shower.

im better now, and my system has to release all the drugs i put into it. for awhile, i thought i had an ear infection, complete with fever and achiness.

so. this illness grounded me from rocas white elephant party...the first in a few years now...and vegas with dines.

its a bummer, i wanted to get away, but im glad to be home, rested, hanging with the boys.

~*~*~

the boys father and i spoke twice this week, which is in itself, a miracle.

sixteen years ive known him, and ive spent the last few years wondering why i still react to him the way i do.

we met at a bar. classic, yeah?

we met at a bar, where my sorority was holding a fundraiser at a local bar. i was in a mood that night, couldnt drink because we had to be responsible. did i mention that for awhile, i thought i was an alcoholic?

he was there with his roommate, who wasnt drinking because he was the designated driver.

he was interested in one of the sisters, his roommate another.

he asked me, so, whats your major?

i gave him the finger and heard him laughing as i walked away, pissed because my body needed the alcohol and couldnt get any. after we got together, he said that it was cute how i was feisty. i told him i loved his laugh.

a few hours later, i went back to him and started a conversation with his sober roomie. it turned out we lived in the same huge apartment complex, and they invited me over.

later on in the week, sorority sister d called the boys father from my apartment and gave me the phone. we chatted a bit, then hung up, and went back to my life.

the weekend came, and i went to a tailgater, drank 6 bottles of corona in a half hour, and met some guys under the influence.

when i got home around 6, the boys father called to ask if i knew of a party. i told him i was hanging at home for the night. my roommates thought i was curt, and after we cleaned up the mess of the kitchen, they made me call him.

we talked from 11 pm to 4 am, and the next day, i went to see him, and we made out. he didnt want to sleep with me right away, but he insisted on walking me home.

at the door, he kissed me good night, and i whispered, i love you when he pulled away.

i was embarrassed because i didnt know why that escaped from my lips, i hadnt even thought of it, but i coughed it up to still being drunk from the day before.

and the rest is history.

i loved him so much, and when i left sac to come back here, i spent years in darkness and hurt because he no longer wanted me. after the boy was born, he made plans to move down here, but i didnt want that unless it was because he loved me.

i was celibate for three years, until i got over him.

question is...am i over him?

yes. of course. i am.

there was a point where we just hated each other, couldnt even talk to each other or look at each other.

we lost contact while the exbf was in my life. he was married then. and when my relationship with the exbf ended, his marriage did as well.

one day when we were still in college, he told me as i was dressing, i know youre the right one for me. i just wonder if you think im the one for you.

weeks before that, he was so eager to introduce me to his father. his father hugged me right away, insisted that i dont call him mister, and at the restaurant, when we were alone, said to me, my son said you were the one he was going to marry.

that was so long ago, we were different people then, but i believe that there is still love between us. but that love is buried under hurt and lack of trust and fear.

and thats where it should stay.

~*~*~

to update on you on d. well, lets just say that a week later, and im bored with him.

i have no desire to meet up with him, and even his emails now make me yawn.

so, i respond so weakly to him, my boredom transparent in my words.

oh, well.

~*~*~

last wednesday, i met up with vansa, suz, neha, ani, and davear at philippes. it was sanvas idea for me to meet up with them there, as a surprise.

it was so fun! neha kept going on and on about his soon to be exwife and other women hes been with. i told him, do you remember when you first got your mustang?

yes. you were the first woman to ride in it.

in the front seat. lets be clear. well, i think that was when i developed my crush on you. did you also tell one of my students to give me a kiss from you?

yes, a big kiss.

well, i got one, thank you. and when i found out you separated, my crush diminished.

he told us of an affair he had with a girl from work, someone i thought of as a nice person. she was crazy, i guess, in that relationship, but im sure he was also.

davear was really strange. he ignored me in the beginning, but then, he reached under the table and grabbed my leg.

this is not new to me; hes done it before.

hes currently seeing someone from the hell hole after having called off his engagement to the slut. the man shits where he eats, its so not good.

i could act on this, i believe theres some sort of attraction on both of our parts, but im not going to.

there was a time, when we flirted. he asked me to call him a few times on the phone, and he took a great interest in my son. he lives in the same city as my sister, and im afraid that one day, ill bump into him at the church where i usually go when im there.

he was weird the other night. shy, almost. there was a moment when i was touching him, and he almost put his head on my shoulders. the man is tall, so it was awkward for him to bend, but he moved closer.

im not inclined. first, because hes not aging well, and second, i cant touch him after hes been with the slut. thats just nauseatingly awful.

hes got appeal. many women think so. he acts uninterested, but im sure he is.

vansa said he wanted kids, but now, as he gets older, hes rethinking. i dont know. im not the one to look to for that.

hes the past. its best he stays that way. but i know how i am. i feel like playing close to the fire, knowing this time if i did, i wouldnt be the one to get burned.

~*~*~

i havent been interested in anyone lately.

even d was just a passing thing. if we get together, which is unlikely, itll be fun.

im working things through in my mind, things like fixing this house and making a part of it a studio, making my resolutions.

important things like updating my resume and figuring out my money.

im better now. i wish i went to vegas, but im fine here at home.

processing

phs 07.2007 by agape+photography

i had to take the day off. it was raining hard earlier, and i didnt want the boy to walk or ride his bike to school and be soaking wet before first period. and besides, the traffic would have made me grumpy, along with my swollen glands and runny nose.

instead, im going to write, prepare clothes for donation, and then go run errands.

~*~*~

friday night was my sons districts annual winter festival. as always, it was magnificent.

im exponentially impressed by the dedication and talent of the performers and their teachers, and im moved to tears and awe as the performance is ending and the audience sings along with gorgeous sounds.

this year, the international chorus, accompanied by two student pianists, stunned me into silence with their beautiful voices.

and when the beginning band performed, i was transported to a time when my son was in beginning strings. he practiced for hours then, and now, he only plays when he has orchestra practice every monday and wednesday for two hours each night.

the orchestra performed last, almost two and a half hours since the beginning of the concert. they were just fucking amazing, professional, dedicated, and so damned good. they were absolute perfection, i wish you were there to have heard it.

and the sing along? God, angels were in that auditorium that night. if you ever doubt the healing power of music, listen to a choir, listen to a strings orchestra, listen to a jazz band...just listen.

i always go alone, except when my sister and my mom and the girls come out. ive never brought a man to my sons performance, except once when november was in my life.

its time to share this soul soothing experience with friends in the spring.

its a sacrifice, its perseverance, its determination for both my son and me to make these weekly treks to practice, especially when he was in football.

but its so priceless to be a part of this experience, and i love the district, and i love the teachers who sacrifice and persevere and dedicate their time. its not money that motivates them because this district pays little...its for the pure love of music.

this was a winter festival because not only are the christian songs played, but also jewish and kwanzaa songs are showcased. that is multiculturalism.

and we are so grateful, so blessed, so fortunate to be a part of this.

~*~*~

i was so distraught last night that i didnt even mention that i fell in love and bought this yesterday at one of my favorite stores where the limey flirted with me. when he saw me, he smiled, not only with his lips, but with his eyes. i love that.

i need to go back today to pick up a cool new little toy, as well as a camera bag/laptop case. everytime i go there, i spend like tons of cash, but its all for a good cause.

and when i walk out of that store, i think to myself, this is such an expensive habit.

it is a habit...its my drug, my panacea.

so, my new baby. im so not good with point and shoots, but this comes as close to my dslr as im going to get. i just have to get used to the different controls and give up with the manual adjusting.

this will be my next purchase, my birthday present and valentines day gift all wrapped up in one. i cannot wait. i just need to save up for it, which i will.

~*~*~

perhaps i should explain my little tizzy from my last post.

d and i started emailing each other again.

he emails me early in the morning and before he goes to bed, and i respond during the day and after hes asleep.

we are both busy, so theres no pressure to see each other, which we will eventually.

he knows ive been celibate, and he says he has been, too, for a few months, and i believe that.

i asked him if he remembered the conversation we had about photojournalism and san francisco, and i told him that he inspired me to take classes and to apply to the san francisco art institute.

he was flattered, and he said he would be honored to take my celibacy.

we had the mandatory conversation about relationships and where we think we would be headed if we opened this can of worms. we both came to the same conclusion that we are too busy to have commitments.

to each other. in my case, to anyone.

heres where i started to unravel. i want something more than what ive settled for, and this is the influence of w and our time together.

i want to have that same easiness and comfort and space and trust and respect that i had with w.

will it be with d? no. probably not.

i dont know why i dont trust him, and if i were to search deep inside my psyche, the real reason is because i dont trust myself.

i cannot fully trust myself to allow anything intimate to enter my life. why? because i have such deep rooted trust issues that even now, as i write this, im getting anxious.

do i want to live a life alone? no. of course not. so, i need to revisit therapy again, this time really sticking to it, really working through it, no matter how hard.

sanva and napa were so helpful, and they helped reframe my thoughts. they made me face what fears lie in me, and if thats their job, well, they earned their pay with me.

but now, i have to take steps to put into action what ive learned. and what ive learned is that im strong and i can survive hurt and emptyness.

however. i still have cold feet when it comes to having anything serious. i dont want to share my life with a man right now. i have a child that needs me, even though he acts as if he doesnt. im getting more and more involved with photography, im moving away, and...

well, as d said in his email, i dont know where a relationship can fit right now.

but i fear that its just not timing, its also lack of desire.

d and i will get together, and we will resume the physical relationship we had. but thats it. and it saddens me that he and i will not get to know each other.

i dont know. he is the king of cuddling. he likes being held in my arms, and he wants to nap next time we are together.

fuck that. it took me months to fall asleep with w, i cant just do it on command.

and forget about spending the night. he gets up way too early, around 5, i think because his emails are in my inbox by 53o am. he says he will change that if im over, but really? its okay. no.

i love his sweetness, his warmth, and the way he welcomes me to his place. i love how accommodating he is, how we fit in each others snuggles. i love how instinctual we are with each other.

but thats it. hes not someone i want to bring into my life, into the lives of me and my son. not now, and not just him. i dont want anyone right now.

~*~*~

whenever i talk to the boys father, there is something so familiar and comfortable, and perhaps that is what i search for these days.

he called because theres some sort of blunder with his checking account, and i kept reassuring him that it was okay, to not worry, and he seemed surprised. im not his exwife, and he cant even say her name anymore, so i wont react in a way that will require him to beg.

his father is footing the bill for a trip to hawaii with him, our son, and our sons younger brother. he says the younger dude isnt doing too well in school, and i know it hurts him because when he was younger, he had difficulties, too.

he said he doesnt usually worry about our son because he knows hes doing well, but he felt the 3.3 gpa was a bit low. i agreed.

~*~*~

four days left of this week. i so cannot wait until this ends.

im burned out, and i cannot be effective when im always tired.

tomorrow is tuesday. for the past two weeks, tuesdays have been very challenging.

dear Lord, please let tomorrow be very calm. boring, even.

enough

pasadena 10.2008 by agape+photography

its not new to me, this feeling of knowing something that i wish i didnt. its the curse and the blessing i was born with, and its something i have to die with.

i think im better, that i dont need sanva or napa, that i can handle this by myself. and by handle it, i mean, if i dont put myself in situation with men, i wont have to deal with my issues.

and this isnt about anyone in particular, but it is about me.

i have such deep deep trust issues that prevent me from allowing a fulfilling commitment with anyone. this is my problem, this is my struggle, this is my cross to bear.

someone from the recent past has returned. someone i really enjoyed and would have continued with had w not been in the picture.

you know him. you remember him. hes the one who wrote me beautiful, sexual emails. hes the one who marked me first before w. hes the one that i miss in terms of my celibacy.

the emails continued as if a year plus havent passed. hes the same. and i am, too.

but im not, you know? because i want something more than a fling.

and i dont trust him. and i knew, somehow i knew that i couldnt.

but it isnt just him. its also me. i dont trust myself.

i need to get away, to run away, and to stay away. i hate la, and as the years go by, i can no longer tolerate it.

going to vegas with dines on saturday for a few days.

im swearing off guys until i get my bearings.

enough of this. i have to address this. i cannot live like this.

because i know hes out there. and i deserve to meet him.

and he deserves to meet me.

damn, i hate this.

sorry, d.

vacation

santa monica pier 11.2007 by agape+photography

it was an awesomely strange day. i finished the part of my job that i hate, only to have to work on the next part that i hate as well...that of doing the job of this other ungrateful, bitter bitch.

one of my students who was punished by her mother by putting her in my school was drunk in her 3rd period class. she threw up all over in her 4th period class, where she was removed and taken to the nurses office.

man. its always one of mine, you know?

i walked in to the room to find her on the cot, chunks of hot cheetos on her pants, her shirt, her hair, on the cot, in the garbage.

she was slurring, i love you, ms p. youre the best counselor. please let me stay. i promise, ill be better.

oh, honey, we will talk about that when youre better, okay? right now, i just want you to vomit the poison inside of you.

and she did.

i love you, ms p. i dont want to get in trouble when i get home. i love you.

it made me laugh and remember a time when i heard the slurring of those three words aimed at me.

~*~*~

there was a time when i drank heavily, needing alcohol to pacify fears, boredom, anger, anxiety. i never drank alone, so it was a very social outlet, with different groups for different reasons.

i remember a boy on our floor, ill call him sebastian. thats what his code name was between me and my friends, and i cant recall his real name.

sebastian was soooo cute. but he was even nicer, and what made him delicious? two things: one, he didnt know how fucking cute he was, and two, he had a girlfriend who went to another college who was just as cute and nice as he.

we were friends. we ate together, we laughed together. it was all innocent. he introduced me to his girlfriend, and he teased me about the different guys he saw me with.

theyre no one, sebastian. theyre friends from class.

you have late study groups, he would say.

he was cool about them, never giving me a hard time. and when i needed to hang out, to just chill, he always opened his door.

one night, towards the end of the year, right before i had to leave to spend the summer in la with my family, we were drinking. it was really one of the few times we drank together. usually, we just talked and laughed and sat around pretending to do homework.

we were drinking, and he was getting loud, and i was getting ready to leave. there was another guy there with us, who told me when sebastian went to the bathroom, hes not having a good night. his girlfriend called, and they had a fight. you gonna stay with him?

no...ive got class in the morning. i want to pack some of my shit tonite before i go to bed.

okay, well, ive got a paper to do, so im leaving, too.

when sebastian returned, we told him we were leaving, and he looked at me and said, m, stay a little while longer. i have to talk to you.

okay, sebastian, but not too long. ive got stuff to do.

tonite? who?

no, i have to pack.

oh, right. youre leaving me, too.

uh, yeah because i live in la, and you live up here.

stay longer. stay tonite.

dude, youre so drunk.

no, im not. why do you say that to me whenever i ask you to hang out, when its just you and me? youre scared of me or something?

why would i be scared?

there was a knock on the door. he opened it, and the ra told him to keep it down. he promised he would.

what happened to you? i asked.

just got into a fight. she went out, and i think it was with a guy, but she said she was with her girls.

why wouldnt you believe her?

i just know, okay?

he went on to explain. she was rushing to get off the phone, she had been secretive, distant.

maybe she isnt the right one? i knew this was going to happen when i went away.

are you kidding? she loves you, man, i know. i can tell.

shes fucking around.

no. youre drunk. sleep it off.

stay with me.

for a little while. until you fall asleep.

on my bed.

no. here. ill sit here next to you.

he was insistent. i got up towards the door. he blocked my way with his body which was significantly bigger and taller than mine.

it was quiet. neither of us moved. he leaned down to kiss me. i let him.

it was sweet. hungry. unexpected.

i pushed him away from me.

we are so drunk, sebastian. i dont want to regret this in the morning.

so, what are you going to do, m? walk out on me?

yeah, before it goes completely in a direction i wont be able to refuse.

is that what you want?

i dont know.

how come you never let me kiss you before?

you have a girlfriend. you love her. i dont want to be that person who fucks it up. i believe in love.

youre right. i love her, but shes not here. and im not saying...

if you cant be with the one you love, yeah?

no, it isnt like that. its...you know we have an attraction to each other?

we are friends.

i know. i love that. i dont want it to be different for us.

it wont be. im just going to go back down the hall, and we are going to sleep this off.

are you interested in me?

what im attracted to is the way you love your girlfriend. look, we dont ever have to talk about this again. im just going to go.

dont be mad at me, okay?

no way! youre a good kisser.

so are you. guess you practice alot in your study group.

i never kiss them like that.

i walked out after that sentence. and it was awkward the next few days.

i guess i avoided him by being mysteriously busy. and i wanted him to see me with the redhaired boy.

and when the year ended, we didnt say goodbye.

and when the next year started, we didnt say hello.

quietness

santa monica 11.2007 by agape+photography

its been a quiet phase for me.

no. not true.

i havent been sharing as much about whats going on with me, mostly because nothing has been. the rest of last week went out smoothly, and i no longer wish to be stressed out with the little things that happen.

the whole b thing ended again because he was being such a freak. the end.

~*~*~

lately, ive had anxiety about leaving for san francisco. its the usual shit...money, where im going to live, how im going to live without my family and friends.

i need to do this. i need to do this. i need to do this.

i need to go away, to live apart from my comfort zone, to challenge myself, to be courageous, to allow my life to go into a different, new direction.

im scared. i know the city is going to be big and bad for awhile, at least until i get used to it. and i have to really just do this without too much analysis. just go to the edge and jump so i can fly again like i used to.

~*~*~

in the last two weeks, ive had four dreams of w, and i dont know why ive been dreaming of him lately. i suppose its because i know i need to get closure from this already, and i just need to sit down and do it.

last nights dream was...well. you know how when youre dreaming, you sometimes know youre dreaming, and you just want to keep living in that fuzzy, hazy place? then there are other times when youre dreaming but you dont know youre dreaming, and when you wake, its a jarring and disorienting?

last night, it was the previous.

im done trying to analyze this. i love that man very much, for who he was until the very end and for what he taught me.

its time to go.

wounded soul

la jolla 8.2008 by agape+photography

today has been a beautifully challenging day.

i had two conferences, one that lasted from 10 am to about 145 pm where the lapd apprehended a father who is suspected of child abuse. fucker.

i dont want to go into any details at all, not because of confidentiality, but because the whole thing disgusts me to the point where i dont even acknowledge it.

when that ended, i went to a counselors meeting where i bumped into a sweet ap who interviewed me for the garfield adult school. thank God elaoc offered me a position first so i didnt take it.

im feeling sick right now. my son put me through some worries, and i know i reacted this way because of the incident that happened earlier. hes sitting here in front of me eating a salad like nothing happened. to him, its all good.

but to me?

im becoming overprotective with him because of the shit i deal with at work. it scares me how crazy this world is, that there are some really fucked up people amongst us.

and sometimes i wonder...am i fucked up as well?

of course i am.

for instance, i think kids should remain virgins until they are at least out of high school so they have the emotional capacity to handle the consequences.

also, i think kids should be home before 6, that they should respect their parents who provide a home.

and this is just for starters. i know. fucked up, eh?

so, on my way home, i messaged the redhaired boy who i hadnt spoken to in months.

i wrote, hey, bog. had a tough day, + i just wanted to touch something from when life was more simple.

he responded right away and gave me an update of the dramarama between his mother and his 47 year old brother who has been divorced twice and has a girlfriend.

i remember the brother being so sexy, and the redhaired boy knew that there was a tension, so he kept us apart. nothing was going to happen between us because the brother had a girlfriend, but still.

i need a break.

im more resolved to leave this city and find my soul in san francisco. nothing is keeping me here, and the thought of leaving makes me feel hopeful.

~*~*~

b and i had an argument last night.

its too weird. im ending it.

why cant i just find something simple? something without drama? dammit, im cursed.

and if thats so, then i hope theres a time limit on it because Lord knows i need to find a haven in someones arms and home.