in the city
i look out at the lights from the 6th floor restaurant, and i wonder what it is about this city i love so much. the pre-wedding dinner is in chinatown at the empress hotel. seems like many celebrities dine here, and annual restaurant awards line the walls.
ah, san francisco. i love being here, but my heart breaks because it knows i will have to return to another city that i do not like.
it is fun to see my cousins again. the same kids i grow up with have now become successful young professionals. and they have significant others, a sure sign of maturity, and i look at myself, and i have a son.
im still in my existential crisis, which i would say contributes to my anxiety, and i have to wonder, what the hell is going on?
i get a call today from roosevelt, from a woman who has such a wonderful and welcoming personality, regarding a position. at her urging, i call the district to inquire about it, and the lady in charge said i definitely need a masters and a pps credential.
bombed again. but i feel hopeful. there are such good people in the world, and i hope that they enter my life. i wish misaju didnt go out of town this weekend because i miss him.
Friday, June 30, 2006
on the road again
we are heading out, on our way north to my favorite city in california. i have high hopes for this trip. i need to get away, to spend time with family, to find some semblance of what makes me feel alive.
i cannot wait to have my camera in my hands again. peering through the view finder is like looking through magic eyes, seeing images in a different perspective. i hunger for this. i am so uninspired in this city.
we go to a cute little trendy bar in pas last night, the bar celona. clever, isnt it? it is nice to be around different people, exchanging spiritual history with jason. he is truly blessed, and at 25 years young, he will touch and change lives when he becomes a radiologist in 5 years.
i finally drink a well-made mojito again. i cant finish it, so i share some with jason. i look around, and i see beautiful people. some whose beauty are only skin deep; others who have their essence radiate from the inside out.
i have a great time, but i realize this morning when i wake up groggy from the alcohol last night, that i am too old for these sex in the city episodes of meeting at bars after 10. im not the type to go out every night and visit the local bars. ive passed the age limit.
but its fun. if i were 12 years younger, id do it again. kele, who invited me and jado, is such a sweet guy. deeply but quietly spiritual. undecided still of what to specialize in in the medical field, so he turns to God, and he prays. its so good to be around people who do.
for a second, i miss november. i miss his presence and nothing more. but then i snap out of it because i remember how he played dirty, and i know i will never trust him again. or talk to him for that matter.
i still have to pack, but my eyes are dropping. maybe a 10-minute nap will do me well. happy 4th of july, folks. be safe, and be well.
we are heading out, on our way north to my favorite city in california. i have high hopes for this trip. i need to get away, to spend time with family, to find some semblance of what makes me feel alive.
i cannot wait to have my camera in my hands again. peering through the view finder is like looking through magic eyes, seeing images in a different perspective. i hunger for this. i am so uninspired in this city.
we go to a cute little trendy bar in pas last night, the bar celona. clever, isnt it? it is nice to be around different people, exchanging spiritual history with jason. he is truly blessed, and at 25 years young, he will touch and change lives when he becomes a radiologist in 5 years.
i finally drink a well-made mojito again. i cant finish it, so i share some with jason. i look around, and i see beautiful people. some whose beauty are only skin deep; others who have their essence radiate from the inside out.
i have a great time, but i realize this morning when i wake up groggy from the alcohol last night, that i am too old for these sex in the city episodes of meeting at bars after 10. im not the type to go out every night and visit the local bars. ive passed the age limit.
but its fun. if i were 12 years younger, id do it again. kele, who invited me and jado, is such a sweet guy. deeply but quietly spiritual. undecided still of what to specialize in in the medical field, so he turns to God, and he prays. its so good to be around people who do.
for a second, i miss november. i miss his presence and nothing more. but then i snap out of it because i remember how he played dirty, and i know i will never trust him again. or talk to him for that matter.
i still have to pack, but my eyes are dropping. maybe a 10-minute nap will do me well. happy 4th of july, folks. be safe, and be well.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
in da nile
i should have known something was wrong with me. one of the warning signs is my lack of needing to cum the last few weeks. the other night, i wonder about it and then quickly push it out of my mind.
the mishap two weeks ago with that boy is good, but if i am my usual randy self, it would have been better. he is a fuck, just what i need, and he even does things i have only fantasized about. but it felt...blah.
even luis, the week before the mishap, doesnt really interest me to pull my panties down and let him enter me. the making out usually does the trick, but not this time. it just makes me feel...blah.
i meet two guys the last two nights who i have phone sex with, but i fake my phone sex orgasms. i just dont have the energy to engage in dirty talk and masturbate at the same time, so i just do a "when harry met sally" restaurant moment.
there is nothing wrong with either of them. they are both sweet, pretty experienced, and attentive to me. but its me. i have a problem.
sex is a big part of my life. when im not sharing my body, i am taking care of myself. smoking out makes me horny, but the last few times i inhale, i dont feel that tingling on my clit that signals that it is time for me to release my tension.
i cant imagine not fucking again. especially not after i talk to this man last night. i have high hopes for me and misaju. i have been advised to not take him as a friend, but there is something that intrigues me about him. and if all we are are friends, then thats more than enough.
the last time he has sex is in january. i love that he and i are almost on the same schedule. i like this one. like him in a way that settles me.
hes from bolivia, but his family originates from spain. he travels across the country alone. he does 3d animation and design. he plays the piano. he speaks spanish to me. i am seduced.
ive been in the river in egypt about my depression and anxiety, but not anymore. i have an appointment with kaiser next thursday for an intake evaluation. this is a good thing. im ready now.
ready now to talk. to make changes. to feel good again. while it takes great strength to do everything alone, it takes greater courage to ask for help.
so, thats what im doing. because lately, ive been dangling on this bungee cord and seeing my life from a birds eye view, and its time to plant my feet again and be in the midst of living.
i should have known something was wrong with me. one of the warning signs is my lack of needing to cum the last few weeks. the other night, i wonder about it and then quickly push it out of my mind.
the mishap two weeks ago with that boy is good, but if i am my usual randy self, it would have been better. he is a fuck, just what i need, and he even does things i have only fantasized about. but it felt...blah.
even luis, the week before the mishap, doesnt really interest me to pull my panties down and let him enter me. the making out usually does the trick, but not this time. it just makes me feel...blah.
i meet two guys the last two nights who i have phone sex with, but i fake my phone sex orgasms. i just dont have the energy to engage in dirty talk and masturbate at the same time, so i just do a "when harry met sally" restaurant moment.
there is nothing wrong with either of them. they are both sweet, pretty experienced, and attentive to me. but its me. i have a problem.
sex is a big part of my life. when im not sharing my body, i am taking care of myself. smoking out makes me horny, but the last few times i inhale, i dont feel that tingling on my clit that signals that it is time for me to release my tension.
i cant imagine not fucking again. especially not after i talk to this man last night. i have high hopes for me and misaju. i have been advised to not take him as a friend, but there is something that intrigues me about him. and if all we are are friends, then thats more than enough.
the last time he has sex is in january. i love that he and i are almost on the same schedule. i like this one. like him in a way that settles me.
hes from bolivia, but his family originates from spain. he travels across the country alone. he does 3d animation and design. he plays the piano. he speaks spanish to me. i am seduced.
ive been in the river in egypt about my depression and anxiety, but not anymore. i have an appointment with kaiser next thursday for an intake evaluation. this is a good thing. im ready now.
ready now to talk. to make changes. to feel good again. while it takes great strength to do everything alone, it takes greater courage to ask for help.
so, thats what im doing. because lately, ive been dangling on this bungee cord and seeing my life from a birds eye view, and its time to plant my feet again and be in the midst of living.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
depressed
tonite in class, valwa asks me to stay after to discuss some stuff. i can tell it wasnt going to be good, but i trust and love her that i know it will be in my best interest.
she begins by telling me that i seem as if ive checked out, that im not my usual self, that i seem depressed. not im-going-to-kill-myself depressed, but depressed nevertheless. if this woman werent so awesome, i would have denied it.
but shes right. she knows me well because she says im just like her. that is an honor and a compliment because i think highly of her.
she suggests i see someone i can talk to, and that if that someone thinks i should take some anti-depressants, that i should. this scares me. have i been that bad?
i ask others if theyve sensed a difference to me. some say no, others say that ive been off. but depressed? its not what they would assume, but theres a change to me.
im grieving the losses of november and my ex-friend. i am also going through anxiety over my job, my financial situation, and the condition of my house.
valwa tells me that when people are depressed, every out of the ordinary event or thought seems catastrophic. thats how i feel. im beginning to lose hope about getting a counseling job, and then when i think about getting a position, i get anxious about not knowing anything.
i think i can pull myself out of this funk, but this time, i need help. i have my friends, my family, but now i need to get the professionals involved.
im going to make an appointment tomorrow for an evaluation. i love the health benefits of this bureaucracy. its time i take advantage of what i have. its been ten years, and i havent used any of the services.
on another note, i talk to this really sweet man tonite. he seems interested in me, and for that, im glad. we have been playing email tag, and tonite, he asks for my phone number.
we talk for awhile, and i love how calm he is. he has a quietness about him that isnt because he has something to hide. its because he has something to share that he is so careful about his words.
if this works out, im going to take it real slow and not fuck it up. he seems genuine and sweet. just what i need for this transitional phase in my life.
tonite in class, valwa asks me to stay after to discuss some stuff. i can tell it wasnt going to be good, but i trust and love her that i know it will be in my best interest.
she begins by telling me that i seem as if ive checked out, that im not my usual self, that i seem depressed. not im-going-to-kill-myself depressed, but depressed nevertheless. if this woman werent so awesome, i would have denied it.
but shes right. she knows me well because she says im just like her. that is an honor and a compliment because i think highly of her.
she suggests i see someone i can talk to, and that if that someone thinks i should take some anti-depressants, that i should. this scares me. have i been that bad?
i ask others if theyve sensed a difference to me. some say no, others say that ive been off. but depressed? its not what they would assume, but theres a change to me.
im grieving the losses of november and my ex-friend. i am also going through anxiety over my job, my financial situation, and the condition of my house.
valwa tells me that when people are depressed, every out of the ordinary event or thought seems catastrophic. thats how i feel. im beginning to lose hope about getting a counseling job, and then when i think about getting a position, i get anxious about not knowing anything.
i think i can pull myself out of this funk, but this time, i need help. i have my friends, my family, but now i need to get the professionals involved.
im going to make an appointment tomorrow for an evaluation. i love the health benefits of this bureaucracy. its time i take advantage of what i have. its been ten years, and i havent used any of the services.
on another note, i talk to this really sweet man tonite. he seems interested in me, and for that, im glad. we have been playing email tag, and tonite, he asks for my phone number.
we talk for awhile, and i love how calm he is. he has a quietness about him that isnt because he has something to hide. its because he has something to share that he is so careful about his words.
if this works out, im going to take it real slow and not fuck it up. he seems genuine and sweet. just what i need for this transitional phase in my life.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
downtown
i drag the boy with me to pick up my letter of rec and to turn in my app. the school is one of the biggest high schools in the district and one of the more contraversial ones.
he is uncomfortable at the sight of graffiti, garbage cans full of lunch remains, and the overall student population. i sense this, and i am disturbed.
he waits patiently as i do my thing, but once we get out of the doors of the school, he rushes me. he tells me that he wants to get out of here as fast as we can. he feels his sense of self is threatened.
i know and understand where this comes from. i am partly to blame for his sheltered behavior. we live in a fairly safe, fairly quiet, fairly clean complex, and were it not for the fucking nosy neighbors, i would be fine. oh, and the damn bird that decides to sing aroung 1 in the morning could go, too.
my culpability stems in me not bringing him to the downtown area more often. one thing that i strive to do is to allow the boy to see that there is a world outside of our zip codes and our usual haunts. i want him to see other people, how they live, how they function.
its all about perspective. i want him to have a wide range so he can make strong decisions. he is very empathetic to others plights. he offers change to the homeless, lends money to his friends when they forget theirs, feels bad for my brother who is jobless. the boy has a heart.
which surprises me today when he does not tolerate the condition of the neighborhood, or the look of the kids, or this part of the city itself. i love the downtowns of the cities ive visited. hes been there, too, except for seattle and chicago.
i know that much needs to be done to clean up la. the homeless is a group that needs to be taken care of, to be provided for, to be helped. i want to be a part of that. i want the boy to be a part of that.
this thanksgiving, we are going to help out at the soup kitchen. we have waited long enough to do this simple and small act. this is our part.
but we also have to address the issue of the immigrants. it angers me that there are people out there who want to work, who need to work, but cant because of the lack of the right papers. i am experiencing that as i search for positions.
however, there are lazy assholes everywhere who are milking the system with their fake illnesses, disabilitites, or general opposition to earning their keep. this is where our taxes go, folks, and we need to get angry and do something about it.
the government has been doing its part by making welfare recipients go to school to get training. this is making my schools ada high. but more needs to be done. it isnt enough.
i drag the boy with me to pick up my letter of rec and to turn in my app. the school is one of the biggest high schools in the district and one of the more contraversial ones.
he is uncomfortable at the sight of graffiti, garbage cans full of lunch remains, and the overall student population. i sense this, and i am disturbed.
he waits patiently as i do my thing, but once we get out of the doors of the school, he rushes me. he tells me that he wants to get out of here as fast as we can. he feels his sense of self is threatened.
i know and understand where this comes from. i am partly to blame for his sheltered behavior. we live in a fairly safe, fairly quiet, fairly clean complex, and were it not for the fucking nosy neighbors, i would be fine. oh, and the damn bird that decides to sing aroung 1 in the morning could go, too.
my culpability stems in me not bringing him to the downtown area more often. one thing that i strive to do is to allow the boy to see that there is a world outside of our zip codes and our usual haunts. i want him to see other people, how they live, how they function.
its all about perspective. i want him to have a wide range so he can make strong decisions. he is very empathetic to others plights. he offers change to the homeless, lends money to his friends when they forget theirs, feels bad for my brother who is jobless. the boy has a heart.
which surprises me today when he does not tolerate the condition of the neighborhood, or the look of the kids, or this part of the city itself. i love the downtowns of the cities ive visited. hes been there, too, except for seattle and chicago.
i know that much needs to be done to clean up la. the homeless is a group that needs to be taken care of, to be provided for, to be helped. i want to be a part of that. i want the boy to be a part of that.
this thanksgiving, we are going to help out at the soup kitchen. we have waited long enough to do this simple and small act. this is our part.
but we also have to address the issue of the immigrants. it angers me that there are people out there who want to work, who need to work, but cant because of the lack of the right papers. i am experiencing that as i search for positions.
however, there are lazy assholes everywhere who are milking the system with their fake illnesses, disabilitites, or general opposition to earning their keep. this is where our taxes go, folks, and we need to get angry and do something about it.
the government has been doing its part by making welfare recipients go to school to get training. this is making my schools ada high. but more needs to be done. it isnt enough.
now this
as if job hunting werent enough of a stress for me on this week of vacation, i cannot open my aim email.
damn. damn it all to hell, i say.
however, on the job hunting front, i have contacted several schools that i think may be a fantastic fit for me. after i post this, i will be going to pick up my letter of recommendation from one of my three favorite principals who works at an adult school. then, im going to walk to the counseling office at the high school to drop off my resume, letter of intent, and the letter.
i am so hopeful. ive spoken with many assistant principals today, and there is one i am fond of because of his general phone mannerisms. he is at hollywood high, and there may be an opening there in a month. perfect!!!
the weather has been off lately. while the humidity might cause me to be whiny, its actually kind of sexy.
my arms are spasming right now because last night, i almost kill myself doing exercises on the ball. heres a list of what i do all on the ball: 50 pushups, 50 reverse crunches, 70 crunches, 50 reverse flies, 50 tricep extensions, and 50 lateral pulls. then my dumb, sweaty ass tries to go on the steps, and i almost pass out.
why this need to kill myself, you ask? my cousins wedding is this weekend, and i am stressed out financially about this. also, this stress of job hunting makes me crazy, hence the crazy workout.
im going again later. im going to do pushups, crunches, shoulder press, chest press, and the reverse bridge. dont be fooled, though. i do not have the hot body yet, but im working on definition and losing weight. i pray i do not die before i put in 30 minutes of cardio.
how do people do it? i wish i were one of them.
oh, and i have an interview on thursday for this stupid position at work. im going to turn it down if they offer it to me, but i just want to make the devil work. shes a real ass, that one is. actually, they all are.
as if job hunting werent enough of a stress for me on this week of vacation, i cannot open my aim email.
damn. damn it all to hell, i say.
however, on the job hunting front, i have contacted several schools that i think may be a fantastic fit for me. after i post this, i will be going to pick up my letter of recommendation from one of my three favorite principals who works at an adult school. then, im going to walk to the counseling office at the high school to drop off my resume, letter of intent, and the letter.
i am so hopeful. ive spoken with many assistant principals today, and there is one i am fond of because of his general phone mannerisms. he is at hollywood high, and there may be an opening there in a month. perfect!!!
the weather has been off lately. while the humidity might cause me to be whiny, its actually kind of sexy.
my arms are spasming right now because last night, i almost kill myself doing exercises on the ball. heres a list of what i do all on the ball: 50 pushups, 50 reverse crunches, 70 crunches, 50 reverse flies, 50 tricep extensions, and 50 lateral pulls. then my dumb, sweaty ass tries to go on the steps, and i almost pass out.
why this need to kill myself, you ask? my cousins wedding is this weekend, and i am stressed out financially about this. also, this stress of job hunting makes me crazy, hence the crazy workout.
im going again later. im going to do pushups, crunches, shoulder press, chest press, and the reverse bridge. dont be fooled, though. i do not have the hot body yet, but im working on definition and losing weight. i pray i do not die before i put in 30 minutes of cardio.
how do people do it? i wish i were one of them.
oh, and i have an interview on thursday for this stupid position at work. im going to turn it down if they offer it to me, but i just want to make the devil work. shes a real ass, that one is. actually, they all are.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
i hate the suburbs
the boy and i go to my sisters house, 30 miles east of our sleepy little pocket of la. i dont know what it is, but being there makes me slow. it makes me tired. it makes me sleep at least two or three hours of every visit.
i realize today that i really have developed a propensity to hate the suburbs. i hate the cookie-cutter tracts, showcasing three or four cookie-cutter models. i hate the guardedness of its denizens, the intolerance of people who look different than they.
theyre all the same, these california suburbs. i feel so claustrophobic when i am in one, and i cannot wait my escape. its a wonder i survive my years in chicago.
i grow up in the suburbs of chicago, in a new development 45-minutes south of the city. i hate every moment of it. not only because my house is yellow and brown, odd colors in my opinion, but because of what goes on inside it.
my parents and i fight because of my fathers infidelity and my mothers nagging. this is when i go into seclusion in my room, losing myself in books and my journal.
friends, too, annoy me then. they are either straight-laced or drunken athletes. i do not attach myself to any cliques, but i hang mostly with the nerds.
when we go to the city, my friends and i, i remember having the best time. feeling alive, loving how i feel so free. sometimes, my mom, sister, brother, and i would take the train in and go shopping.
when i leave the suburbs at 17, i move to la. i find this city to be less somehow than chicago. it is dirty, loud, obnoxious. it is vain, uncultured, disassociated.
ive never really fallen in love with la, not the way i fall in love with chicago. maybe my memories fail me, but to me, chicago will always be my first love.
after a year of living in la, i move to san diego for school. actually, i live in la jolla, and while it is beautiful and fabulous and rich, it isnt chicago. no real definition. no statement. no opinions.
after two years feeling like someone is going to discover my secret that i sure as hell do not belong in la jolla, i transfer to sacramento.
what can i say about sac? it sucks. the summer drains me, takes my energy and stores it away until it is colder. i meet the boys father here, which means it will always have a special place in my heart.
the boys father and i go to san francisco a few times to just hang. i fall in love with this compact and dense city. i find my life again, awaken amidst beautiful architecture and this great ocean.
whenever i go there, i hate leaving. i feel so down, knowing i will be returning to an area that doesnt excite me the way frisco does.
the boy and i go to my sisters house, 30 miles east of our sleepy little pocket of la. i dont know what it is, but being there makes me slow. it makes me tired. it makes me sleep at least two or three hours of every visit.
i realize today that i really have developed a propensity to hate the suburbs. i hate the cookie-cutter tracts, showcasing three or four cookie-cutter models. i hate the guardedness of its denizens, the intolerance of people who look different than they.
theyre all the same, these california suburbs. i feel so claustrophobic when i am in one, and i cannot wait my escape. its a wonder i survive my years in chicago.
i grow up in the suburbs of chicago, in a new development 45-minutes south of the city. i hate every moment of it. not only because my house is yellow and brown, odd colors in my opinion, but because of what goes on inside it.
my parents and i fight because of my fathers infidelity and my mothers nagging. this is when i go into seclusion in my room, losing myself in books and my journal.
friends, too, annoy me then. they are either straight-laced or drunken athletes. i do not attach myself to any cliques, but i hang mostly with the nerds.
when we go to the city, my friends and i, i remember having the best time. feeling alive, loving how i feel so free. sometimes, my mom, sister, brother, and i would take the train in and go shopping.
when i leave the suburbs at 17, i move to la. i find this city to be less somehow than chicago. it is dirty, loud, obnoxious. it is vain, uncultured, disassociated.
ive never really fallen in love with la, not the way i fall in love with chicago. maybe my memories fail me, but to me, chicago will always be my first love.
after a year of living in la, i move to san diego for school. actually, i live in la jolla, and while it is beautiful and fabulous and rich, it isnt chicago. no real definition. no statement. no opinions.
after two years feeling like someone is going to discover my secret that i sure as hell do not belong in la jolla, i transfer to sacramento.
what can i say about sac? it sucks. the summer drains me, takes my energy and stores it away until it is colder. i meet the boys father here, which means it will always have a special place in my heart.
the boys father and i go to san francisco a few times to just hang. i fall in love with this compact and dense city. i find my life again, awaken amidst beautiful architecture and this great ocean.
whenever i go there, i hate leaving. i feel so down, knowing i will be returning to an area that doesnt excite me the way frisco does.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
existential crisis
this morning on my way to work, i begin to think about my life.
i think about how much i say i want to be in a relationship, work towards it, but when i am actually faced with the prospect of being in one, i tend to run away and hide.
i do not know what i am doing lately. not just doing, i dont know what to be. who am i? what am i here for? all that crap.
its tiring, you know, being alone. i love my independence, but i crave support. i want help, even if im capable of doing things for myself.
but when the boy is being a smart mouth little terror, or when i have a bad day at work, it would be really nice to just crawl into bed with nice, strong, supportive arms around me.
am i a bad person? no. not at all. im not the perfect, lovely lady some would like, but i dont think im awful. except for today, when my ex-friend made me aware of how fucked up i can be.
i regret hurting him. his voice conveys the terrible way ive made him feel, and i know now that he put up with it for a long time. while i thought we are just being brats to each other, all in innocent fun, he has been really bothered with some of my comments.
i am thoughtless, inconsiderate, and overall a bitch with him. in his perception, of course, and when he let me know where he is coming from, i have to agree.
how do i convey my deep remorse to him when i know he wont take my calls (not that ive tried) or my emails (not that ive tried)? i want to ask him for his forgiveness because his sensitive soul should never be insulted the way he thinks i have done.
if i werent saddled with vanity and pride, my two favorite sins next to lust, i would have blurted out today that i am madly attracted to him, and lately, his glances make me wet.
i really try to suppress the side of me that becomes mean and hurtful. it hurts me so much to not be able to look at myself in the mirror because i dont want to see a monster.
i am trying to not believe that men and women cant be friends, but when i lose two male friends within a week of each other, what other choice do i have?
in all of my friendships with guys, i let them know in the beginning of the relationship that all i want is friendship. i keep communication to a fairly safe, non-flirtatious level. i encourage them to seek out love, and if not love, then at least damn good sex from beautiful girls.
i keep my distance, keeping contact with them at a minimum. im busy looking for THE ONE also, after all; cant give them all my attention all of the time.
i express to them what im looking for in a long-term commitment, often commenting that i have not found it yet in all my years in the dating circuit.
i regale them with tales of my failed attempts at love, and they seem entertained and understanding. but they never go into details of their own dating disasters.
but it all backfires on me.
i feel so discouraged. but my wonderful efriend who i so adore gives me such great advice about boys. his wisdom and his caring humble me and warm me every morning.
i think my mistake is thinking that these boys are my girlfriends. i do things with them that i do with the girls: i talk about other boys, i spend time with them just chitchatting, i buy them random little things. its no big deal to me...but to them?
they misconstrue the meaning of my actions. they think they are the only males in my life. and why shouldnt they? i would love to be number one to THE ONE.
sadly, i dont understand any of this at all. but i vow to not make this mistake again. i am so deeply anguished by the two-minute conversation i have with my ex-friend. i seek his forgiveness, but i am in mourning now, so i cant go to him yet.
will i ever? will i ever have the courage to contact him?
i will. i will do it on july 11th. why then? because he will be in argentina, and i will leave a message on his voicemail. i will beg for his forgiveness. i wont be able to remedy what ive done, but i will apologize. i wont explain or excuse my actions, but i want him to know that i love him.
i also will be more careful of what comes out of my mouth. i dont want to hurt another again because of my carelessness. i will listen with the ears of my heart, and i will shut up and not be so quick to fire off a witty comment.
i will love more, think more, behave more, slow down more. this is the lesson i learn at the sake of losing this person. may it not be in vain.
this morning on my way to work, i begin to think about my life.
i think about how much i say i want to be in a relationship, work towards it, but when i am actually faced with the prospect of being in one, i tend to run away and hide.
i do not know what i am doing lately. not just doing, i dont know what to be. who am i? what am i here for? all that crap.
its tiring, you know, being alone. i love my independence, but i crave support. i want help, even if im capable of doing things for myself.
but when the boy is being a smart mouth little terror, or when i have a bad day at work, it would be really nice to just crawl into bed with nice, strong, supportive arms around me.
am i a bad person? no. not at all. im not the perfect, lovely lady some would like, but i dont think im awful. except for today, when my ex-friend made me aware of how fucked up i can be.
i regret hurting him. his voice conveys the terrible way ive made him feel, and i know now that he put up with it for a long time. while i thought we are just being brats to each other, all in innocent fun, he has been really bothered with some of my comments.
i am thoughtless, inconsiderate, and overall a bitch with him. in his perception, of course, and when he let me know where he is coming from, i have to agree.
how do i convey my deep remorse to him when i know he wont take my calls (not that ive tried) or my emails (not that ive tried)? i want to ask him for his forgiveness because his sensitive soul should never be insulted the way he thinks i have done.
if i werent saddled with vanity and pride, my two favorite sins next to lust, i would have blurted out today that i am madly attracted to him, and lately, his glances make me wet.
i really try to suppress the side of me that becomes mean and hurtful. it hurts me so much to not be able to look at myself in the mirror because i dont want to see a monster.
i am trying to not believe that men and women cant be friends, but when i lose two male friends within a week of each other, what other choice do i have?
in all of my friendships with guys, i let them know in the beginning of the relationship that all i want is friendship. i keep communication to a fairly safe, non-flirtatious level. i encourage them to seek out love, and if not love, then at least damn good sex from beautiful girls.
i keep my distance, keeping contact with them at a minimum. im busy looking for THE ONE also, after all; cant give them all my attention all of the time.
i express to them what im looking for in a long-term commitment, often commenting that i have not found it yet in all my years in the dating circuit.
i regale them with tales of my failed attempts at love, and they seem entertained and understanding. but they never go into details of their own dating disasters.
but it all backfires on me.
i feel so discouraged. but my wonderful efriend who i so adore gives me such great advice about boys. his wisdom and his caring humble me and warm me every morning.
i think my mistake is thinking that these boys are my girlfriends. i do things with them that i do with the girls: i talk about other boys, i spend time with them just chitchatting, i buy them random little things. its no big deal to me...but to them?
they misconstrue the meaning of my actions. they think they are the only males in my life. and why shouldnt they? i would love to be number one to THE ONE.
sadly, i dont understand any of this at all. but i vow to not make this mistake again. i am so deeply anguished by the two-minute conversation i have with my ex-friend. i seek his forgiveness, but i am in mourning now, so i cant go to him yet.
will i ever? will i ever have the courage to contact him?
i will. i will do it on july 11th. why then? because he will be in argentina, and i will leave a message on his voicemail. i will beg for his forgiveness. i wont be able to remedy what ive done, but i will apologize. i wont explain or excuse my actions, but i want him to know that i love him.
i also will be more careful of what comes out of my mouth. i dont want to hurt another again because of my carelessness. i will listen with the ears of my heart, and i will shut up and not be so quick to fire off a witty comment.
i will love more, think more, behave more, slow down more. this is the lesson i learn at the sake of losing this person. may it not be in vain.
triggers
im normally a calm, happy, fun-to-be-around kind of gal. to me, laughter is the best medicine, and ive heard that if you laugh hard and long enough, you can really develop some ab muscles.
i love to have fun, good, clean fun or dirty, raw fun. depending on the night or day, of course. and with who. and where.
i like to play, and sometimes, i play hard. too hard, depending on who you ask.
wit and banter are very important to me. i feel sexy around men who do it well, and i feel intelligent around women who do it well. intelligence is sexy to me, too, so i feel sexy around the women as well.
i do not like conflict. in fact, if something is bothering me about someone, i mull it around in my mind until i go crazy. i often live in the hurt that someone causes me because i would rather let time pass than to talk about my feelings.
when i am hurt or confused, i tend to retreat within to find some solace from the pain. i cant keep it in, so i write and think and wait and just live in the pain.
when i am happy, i do not want to be happy alone. i want to hang out and share my happiness with whoever is around. this is the time i give big tips, be more complimentary, and try new things.
i attempt to go into hiding when i am in one of my depressive episodes. i do not believe that misery loves company. i love wallowing in the deep end of the self-pity pool alone with no one watching or waiting for me.
i can be in the company of people i love or the people i dont like. i just remember that everyone needs to be respected, no matter how fucked up i think they are.
this is my general temperament. this is the code i try to live by. but i know that i fail. and when i fail, i fail in a big way.
its the triggers that get the best of me. i can be saint, or i can be a sinner. i can be a great friend, or i can be a worthy enemy. i prefer to be a saint and a friend.
what makes me transform from a saint to a sinner is when someone is an ass to me. when someones seemingly innocent little remarks keep at me like tiny pin pricks in the same spot.
when i have to defend myself, i do not use my hands. i employ my brain and my tongue, both quick once activated.
my mom tells me once that my words can make anyone cry. that is not my intent. but when i have to defend myself, i go into crazy mode and fire away. aimlessly.
from the dixie chicks video: talking without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
and in my aimlessness, ive maimed and injured a few. killed a small handful. but those who survived the wicked tongue-lashing love me more deeply and appreciate me more.
my friend and i will not be fucking today. in fact, he is my ex-friend, and i will probably never see or talk to him again.
it has to come to this. this is how our pseudo-relationship comes to a not-so-pseudo type of end. there is no other way to do this, i dont think, except to cut each other off completely.
so much sexual tension. its not even worth it. it breaks my heart.
what hurts the most is not that my ex-friend will no longer be in my life. it isnt as if he is an integral part of my existence the way november was beginning to be.
and hurt isnt even the word i would use to express how i feel about his exit. what i feel is shame. i am shamed that he reflected a part of me i do not want to know, but exists.
i am a sadist with words when i am hurt. i want to draw blood, and i feed on watching my victim squirm. i do not let up until i am satisfied, until the quiet anger subsides.
i do not enjoy the pain i am causing, and at the end of each episode, i feel so drained, shameful, and guilty. but the damage is done.
i wish my ex-friend a happy birthday, a safe trip, and a wonderful life. may he find love with someone who will not want to take over his existence. may he relax and find something more than this.
namaste.
im normally a calm, happy, fun-to-be-around kind of gal. to me, laughter is the best medicine, and ive heard that if you laugh hard and long enough, you can really develop some ab muscles.
i love to have fun, good, clean fun or dirty, raw fun. depending on the night or day, of course. and with who. and where.
i like to play, and sometimes, i play hard. too hard, depending on who you ask.
wit and banter are very important to me. i feel sexy around men who do it well, and i feel intelligent around women who do it well. intelligence is sexy to me, too, so i feel sexy around the women as well.
i do not like conflict. in fact, if something is bothering me about someone, i mull it around in my mind until i go crazy. i often live in the hurt that someone causes me because i would rather let time pass than to talk about my feelings.
when i am hurt or confused, i tend to retreat within to find some solace from the pain. i cant keep it in, so i write and think and wait and just live in the pain.
when i am happy, i do not want to be happy alone. i want to hang out and share my happiness with whoever is around. this is the time i give big tips, be more complimentary, and try new things.
i attempt to go into hiding when i am in one of my depressive episodes. i do not believe that misery loves company. i love wallowing in the deep end of the self-pity pool alone with no one watching or waiting for me.
i can be in the company of people i love or the people i dont like. i just remember that everyone needs to be respected, no matter how fucked up i think they are.
this is my general temperament. this is the code i try to live by. but i know that i fail. and when i fail, i fail in a big way.
its the triggers that get the best of me. i can be saint, or i can be a sinner. i can be a great friend, or i can be a worthy enemy. i prefer to be a saint and a friend.
what makes me transform from a saint to a sinner is when someone is an ass to me. when someones seemingly innocent little remarks keep at me like tiny pin pricks in the same spot.
when i have to defend myself, i do not use my hands. i employ my brain and my tongue, both quick once activated.
my mom tells me once that my words can make anyone cry. that is not my intent. but when i have to defend myself, i go into crazy mode and fire away. aimlessly.
from the dixie chicks video: talking without thinking is like shooting without aiming.
and in my aimlessness, ive maimed and injured a few. killed a small handful. but those who survived the wicked tongue-lashing love me more deeply and appreciate me more.
my friend and i will not be fucking today. in fact, he is my ex-friend, and i will probably never see or talk to him again.
it has to come to this. this is how our pseudo-relationship comes to a not-so-pseudo type of end. there is no other way to do this, i dont think, except to cut each other off completely.
so much sexual tension. its not even worth it. it breaks my heart.
what hurts the most is not that my ex-friend will no longer be in my life. it isnt as if he is an integral part of my existence the way november was beginning to be.
and hurt isnt even the word i would use to express how i feel about his exit. what i feel is shame. i am shamed that he reflected a part of me i do not want to know, but exists.
i am a sadist with words when i am hurt. i want to draw blood, and i feed on watching my victim squirm. i do not let up until i am satisfied, until the quiet anger subsides.
i do not enjoy the pain i am causing, and at the end of each episode, i feel so drained, shameful, and guilty. but the damage is done.
i wish my ex-friend a happy birthday, a safe trip, and a wonderful life. may he find love with someone who will not want to take over his existence. may he relax and find something more than this.
namaste.
talent, lifer, or mandarin
I'm a Talent!
You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.
********
found this on one of my favorite posts that i read daily. thanks, grizz.
I'm a Talent!
You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.
********
found this on one of my favorite posts that i read daily. thanks, grizz.
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
my funny friend
i tell my friend that i do not get the job, and he seems...relieved. then he asks if that means we are no longer on for thursday.
i am baffled, and so i tell him that thursday is intended to be his birthday celebration, and it is not about me at all. he is under the impression that it is a dual celebration, my job/his birthday, but that does not even enter my mind.
i tell him that we are still on, but i do not tell him it is because i want to consummate this odd little whatever we have.
as he is walking away, i remind him that even though i do not get THIS job, i will not be here when he returns. and then it happens. his eyes show something like hurt. or surprise. or i dont know what, but it becomes weird.
he yells back to me as if he doesnt understand what i have just said. so i repeat my vow that i will not return to this place in september, but i will stretch it out for the summer. rather than responding, he walks away to process that once again, he will be alone.
he is so funny in an odd little way. i like him alot. i am so infatuated with him lately. things are good again between us because i have finally been able to live in the sexual tension that hovers over us when we are together.
i used to fight it, but i am resigned to it now. when he makes an awkward sexual innuendo, i blush. when i use a double entendre, he fires back. that is our relationship lately. it is pretty good.
i plan to take him to the moca on thursday because he is so in love with the idea of going to museums after i take him to lacma some weeks ago. i think i should allow him to plan the rest of the date.
i know that there will probably smoking of herbs, and i hope that the night ends with me being satisfied because i know he will be. i have suppressed this attraction long enough, and since we will no longer be co-workers, i am going to take the initiative and fuck his brains out. if it is in the cards.
the thing is, im never sure where things will go with this boy. something always happens, and it is usually uncomfortable and makes me not want to do anything with him.
like when we go out for my birthday. he acts weird, giggly, wiggly, weird. then i act weird, apprehensive, non-trusting, weird. such is the way with us.
but i want that to change, if only for one night. i want him to be more direct, more sure of himself, more open. that way, if he is all those things, if only for one night, i can make a move.
this is all about him feeling comfortable with what could happen. i know that he is an absolute thinker, and while i find him amazing, i really dont want to have a relationship with him.
he says that he has a girl, but that he has since broken up with her. i find this to be untrue because he has told me before that he usually enters into long-term relationships with girls he sleeps with.
this is rather disturbing to hear. it is also partly why i do not want to even graze a body part against his. i do not want that mess on my hands.
however, it has come to this. i want him. i have difficulties looking him in the eyes for fear he will read exactly that.
we are both adults, and the summer is before us. this thursday could ultimately be the last time we see each other, despite protests that we will keep in touch.
keep in touch? we go weeks at a time without talking or seeing one another, and our caves are only about fifty steps from each other. how can we keep in touch when we will no longer have the luxury of being employed in the same place?
i hate endings. i have a hard time with it, with letting go, with moving on. if someone affects me, it takes a hell of a long time for me to be restored.
but that is my issue, to be dealt with at a later time. now, i am hungry, and i am weak.
i tell my friend that i do not get the job, and he seems...relieved. then he asks if that means we are no longer on for thursday.
i am baffled, and so i tell him that thursday is intended to be his birthday celebration, and it is not about me at all. he is under the impression that it is a dual celebration, my job/his birthday, but that does not even enter my mind.
i tell him that we are still on, but i do not tell him it is because i want to consummate this odd little whatever we have.
as he is walking away, i remind him that even though i do not get THIS job, i will not be here when he returns. and then it happens. his eyes show something like hurt. or surprise. or i dont know what, but it becomes weird.
he yells back to me as if he doesnt understand what i have just said. so i repeat my vow that i will not return to this place in september, but i will stretch it out for the summer. rather than responding, he walks away to process that once again, he will be alone.
he is so funny in an odd little way. i like him alot. i am so infatuated with him lately. things are good again between us because i have finally been able to live in the sexual tension that hovers over us when we are together.
i used to fight it, but i am resigned to it now. when he makes an awkward sexual innuendo, i blush. when i use a double entendre, he fires back. that is our relationship lately. it is pretty good.
i plan to take him to the moca on thursday because he is so in love with the idea of going to museums after i take him to lacma some weeks ago. i think i should allow him to plan the rest of the date.
i know that there will probably smoking of herbs, and i hope that the night ends with me being satisfied because i know he will be. i have suppressed this attraction long enough, and since we will no longer be co-workers, i am going to take the initiative and fuck his brains out. if it is in the cards.
the thing is, im never sure where things will go with this boy. something always happens, and it is usually uncomfortable and makes me not want to do anything with him.
like when we go out for my birthday. he acts weird, giggly, wiggly, weird. then i act weird, apprehensive, non-trusting, weird. such is the way with us.
but i want that to change, if only for one night. i want him to be more direct, more sure of himself, more open. that way, if he is all those things, if only for one night, i can make a move.
this is all about him feeling comfortable with what could happen. i know that he is an absolute thinker, and while i find him amazing, i really dont want to have a relationship with him.
he says that he has a girl, but that he has since broken up with her. i find this to be untrue because he has told me before that he usually enters into long-term relationships with girls he sleeps with.
this is rather disturbing to hear. it is also partly why i do not want to even graze a body part against his. i do not want that mess on my hands.
however, it has come to this. i want him. i have difficulties looking him in the eyes for fear he will read exactly that.
we are both adults, and the summer is before us. this thursday could ultimately be the last time we see each other, despite protests that we will keep in touch.
keep in touch? we go weeks at a time without talking or seeing one another, and our caves are only about fifty steps from each other. how can we keep in touch when we will no longer have the luxury of being employed in the same place?
i hate endings. i have a hard time with it, with letting go, with moving on. if someone affects me, it takes a hell of a long time for me to be restored.
but that is my issue, to be dealt with at a later time. now, i am hungry, and i am weak.
and so it is
the interview yesterday goes really well. i sit there, and i feel immediately comfortable. now, this may be because i am comfortable with myself, or maybe it is just a fluke.
the questions they ask i field with knowledge and humility, admitting when i do not know, answering when i do. i do not throw in the educational terms that may impress others because i do not need to. i am confident.
i ask two questions at the end, and they answer with grace and style. this tells me that they have nothing to hide, that the programs they have are strong.
overall, the twenty minutes go smoothly. i do not feel any negative vibes. i feel good. there is laughter, light banter between them, and when appropriate, they include me.
that is why it is so heartbreaking when i receive a call saying that they have chosen someone who is fully credentialed as opposed to me coming in as an intern.
i understand the reason for their decision. they are under pressure from the district, so they have to hire highly qualified people. i am highly qualified, but not on paper.
the woman who called is really awesome. even at the meeting, she strikes me as someone who is easy-going and cool. i love cool people. cool, hip, and hippy. i love that right now.
i am slightly stung, but i am not disappointed. there is something in me that kicks in and makes me even more willing and able to fight for what i want. and right now, at this very moment, what i want is to fight.
i want to fight for a position where i will be happy and where there are opportunities for movement and growth.
i want to fight to work with beautiful people whose lives and the lives of those around them matter.
i want to fight to be in a place where the first and last priorities are the students. that whatever happens, everything is driven by student outcome, and not for popularity.
that place exists. many places like that exist, but i believe that when the timing is right, that when all the planets are aligned, i will be there.
thank you so much to those who have sent their wishes and prayers. they mean as much to me as you do.
the interview yesterday goes really well. i sit there, and i feel immediately comfortable. now, this may be because i am comfortable with myself, or maybe it is just a fluke.
the questions they ask i field with knowledge and humility, admitting when i do not know, answering when i do. i do not throw in the educational terms that may impress others because i do not need to. i am confident.
i ask two questions at the end, and they answer with grace and style. this tells me that they have nothing to hide, that the programs they have are strong.
overall, the twenty minutes go smoothly. i do not feel any negative vibes. i feel good. there is laughter, light banter between them, and when appropriate, they include me.
that is why it is so heartbreaking when i receive a call saying that they have chosen someone who is fully credentialed as opposed to me coming in as an intern.
i understand the reason for their decision. they are under pressure from the district, so they have to hire highly qualified people. i am highly qualified, but not on paper.
the woman who called is really awesome. even at the meeting, she strikes me as someone who is easy-going and cool. i love cool people. cool, hip, and hippy. i love that right now.
i am slightly stung, but i am not disappointed. there is something in me that kicks in and makes me even more willing and able to fight for what i want. and right now, at this very moment, what i want is to fight.
i want to fight for a position where i will be happy and where there are opportunities for movement and growth.
i want to fight to work with beautiful people whose lives and the lives of those around them matter.
i want to fight to be in a place where the first and last priorities are the students. that whatever happens, everything is driven by student outcome, and not for popularity.
that place exists. many places like that exist, but i believe that when the timing is right, that when all the planets are aligned, i will be there.
thank you so much to those who have sent their wishes and prayers. they mean as much to me as you do.
Monday, June 19, 2006
sunday night
maria?
yes?
hey, its me.
i know.
what are you doing?
waiting for you to call.
here i am.
i know. so, are we on for tonite?
you tell me. i was hoping to see you.
lets do it.
we meet at el guapo on melrose and poinsettia. i find parking right away on this busy neighborhood. surely a good sign for a night of fun, right?
we go to the bar, and then we change our minds and go back to his place. when he gets out of my car, he reads my license plate aloud.
who is matt?
thats for another time.
are you married?
its sad that you dont know me because if you did, you know i wouldnt see you.
i dont care if you are, i just dont want drama.
i am not married.
when we walk to his apartment, he grabs my hand and leads me. he opens the door, and we sit on the couch to watch the soccer game on univision.
he opens his arms, and i instinctually crawl into them. he holds me there before he tells me to go to the bedroom.
when i walk in, i spot three guitars, and i ask him to play. he plays a short diddy unwillingly, then tells me to get undressed.
i lie on his bed, and he rips a condom open. he enters me, and i cum within minutes. what is odd is that he hasnt kissed me yet, but i am still receptive.
he turns me over, he grabs my hair, and he fucks me hard. i am so excited by this change since no one has ever done this to me before.
he holds me as he fucks me doggie style. he talks dirty to me, and i am in heaven.
we are sweating against each other, and i can feel the heat between our bodies. he pulls me tightly towards him, and his cock is pressing so deep into me. it hurts in a way ive missed.
when he cums, i tell him to say my name. he says it over and over, until i finally cum with him.
after, he lies next to me, and he asks me to scatch his back. he tells me this is better than sex for him.
do all your bitches do this for you?
no.
come on. you dont have to lie to me.
you know, im a good guy once you get to know me.
what makes you think i dont think youre a good person?
because you think i have bitches.
im sorry. it was just a term. do you have a girlfriend?
no. are you married?
no, ive told you.
thought id ask since you asked if i had a girlfriend.
we are in this position for awhile, with me alternating between massages, kisses, and scratches. i love the noises men make when they are enjoying themselves. i ask if he will be purring soon.
suddenly, he jumps up, and he grabs his newly-purchased camera. he takes pictures of me, directing me to my poses in low, sweet voice.
i dont feel self-conscious, like i normally do when i am being photographed with my clothes on. i feel sexy, especially when he comments on my breasts and legs.
he tells me he is damaged goods, which is fine, but there is an innocence about him. i like him, and in time, i hope to get to know him, but who knows?
maria?
yes?
hey, its me.
i know.
what are you doing?
waiting for you to call.
here i am.
i know. so, are we on for tonite?
you tell me. i was hoping to see you.
lets do it.
we meet at el guapo on melrose and poinsettia. i find parking right away on this busy neighborhood. surely a good sign for a night of fun, right?
we go to the bar, and then we change our minds and go back to his place. when he gets out of my car, he reads my license plate aloud.
who is matt?
thats for another time.
are you married?
its sad that you dont know me because if you did, you know i wouldnt see you.
i dont care if you are, i just dont want drama.
i am not married.
when we walk to his apartment, he grabs my hand and leads me. he opens the door, and we sit on the couch to watch the soccer game on univision.
he opens his arms, and i instinctually crawl into them. he holds me there before he tells me to go to the bedroom.
when i walk in, i spot three guitars, and i ask him to play. he plays a short diddy unwillingly, then tells me to get undressed.
i lie on his bed, and he rips a condom open. he enters me, and i cum within minutes. what is odd is that he hasnt kissed me yet, but i am still receptive.
he turns me over, he grabs my hair, and he fucks me hard. i am so excited by this change since no one has ever done this to me before.
he holds me as he fucks me doggie style. he talks dirty to me, and i am in heaven.
we are sweating against each other, and i can feel the heat between our bodies. he pulls me tightly towards him, and his cock is pressing so deep into me. it hurts in a way ive missed.
when he cums, i tell him to say my name. he says it over and over, until i finally cum with him.
after, he lies next to me, and he asks me to scatch his back. he tells me this is better than sex for him.
do all your bitches do this for you?
no.
come on. you dont have to lie to me.
you know, im a good guy once you get to know me.
what makes you think i dont think youre a good person?
because you think i have bitches.
im sorry. it was just a term. do you have a girlfriend?
no. are you married?
no, ive told you.
thought id ask since you asked if i had a girlfriend.
we are in this position for awhile, with me alternating between massages, kisses, and scratches. i love the noises men make when they are enjoying themselves. i ask if he will be purring soon.
suddenly, he jumps up, and he grabs his newly-purchased camera. he takes pictures of me, directing me to my poses in low, sweet voice.
i dont feel self-conscious, like i normally do when i am being photographed with my clothes on. i feel sexy, especially when he comments on my breasts and legs.
he tells me he is damaged goods, which is fine, but there is an innocence about him. i like him, and in time, i hope to get to know him, but who knows?
Sunday, June 18, 2006
losing my virginity again
i spend the night with a boy who i give my revirginity to. it was fun, but it wasnt luro or the buddhist.
i smell him on me still, as i write this, before i take a shower. he was sweet enough, but he also admits he is damaged goods.
he buys a new camera, so i allow him to take pictures of me. ironic that i dont want my picture taken when i am clothed, but naked and covered with a blanket, i am more than a willing subject.
i feel sexy as he is taking them, with my hair on my face, sweat glistening over my chest. my breasts look good, artistically, and i am so relaxed. he tells me how to pose, his voice sweet and low. i am seduced by this.
but i dont know if i will see him again. he doesnt kiss me, and i hate that. he is so needy, and he really is still hurt by his ex-wife leaving him for someone with more money.
i dont need this in my life, but he is fun. if he calls again, i might reconsider, but i have a date with my friend on thursday, and i really think that he and i need to consumate our relationship.
i spend the night with a boy who i give my revirginity to. it was fun, but it wasnt luro or the buddhist.
i smell him on me still, as i write this, before i take a shower. he was sweet enough, but he also admits he is damaged goods.
he buys a new camera, so i allow him to take pictures of me. ironic that i dont want my picture taken when i am clothed, but naked and covered with a blanket, i am more than a willing subject.
i feel sexy as he is taking them, with my hair on my face, sweat glistening over my chest. my breasts look good, artistically, and i am so relaxed. he tells me how to pose, his voice sweet and low. i am seduced by this.
but i dont know if i will see him again. he doesnt kiss me, and i hate that. he is so needy, and he really is still hurt by his ex-wife leaving him for someone with more money.
i dont need this in my life, but he is fun. if he calls again, i might reconsider, but i have a date with my friend on thursday, and i really think that he and i need to consumate our relationship.
fathers day
growing up, i have a very typical filipino type of relationship with my father. he is the disciplanarian, and i am the eldest girl who he has to protect with an iron fist.
when i am twelve or so, he tells his friends at a party that if i ever have a boyfriend, he will cut his penis off and send me back to the philippines.
thinking about it now, it seems funny, but then, i am terrified. this is the primary reason i dont have boyfriends until i go to college.
being a parent now, i completely understand why he treated us the way he did. it is out of love to shield your little ones. it hurts me more when my son is hurt. i just want to keep him from feeling that pain.
but its inevitable, isnt it, being hurt? there are lessons to be learned, sometimes the hard way, and im going to take that.
i love my father even more now that i am older. i have forgiven him for my abandonment issues that have touched my relationships that ive semi-formed. i have accepted his infidelities as defining him. i have ached seeing him age, knowing that it is a part of life that he is no longer the man i feared.
my son does not have the same fortune of having a father. this is a blessing, too, because the man is only good at dispensing sperm. it breaks my heart because i think the man isnt bad, but hes just pretty lazy. and he doesnt have a good role model.
thank You, God, for my father. thank You for all the experiences i have growing up, both good and bad, because they shape who i am today.
growing up, i have a very typical filipino type of relationship with my father. he is the disciplanarian, and i am the eldest girl who he has to protect with an iron fist.
when i am twelve or so, he tells his friends at a party that if i ever have a boyfriend, he will cut his penis off and send me back to the philippines.
thinking about it now, it seems funny, but then, i am terrified. this is the primary reason i dont have boyfriends until i go to college.
being a parent now, i completely understand why he treated us the way he did. it is out of love to shield your little ones. it hurts me more when my son is hurt. i just want to keep him from feeling that pain.
but its inevitable, isnt it, being hurt? there are lessons to be learned, sometimes the hard way, and im going to take that.
i love my father even more now that i am older. i have forgiven him for my abandonment issues that have touched my relationships that ive semi-formed. i have accepted his infidelities as defining him. i have ached seeing him age, knowing that it is a part of life that he is no longer the man i feared.
my son does not have the same fortune of having a father. this is a blessing, too, because the man is only good at dispensing sperm. it breaks my heart because i think the man isnt bad, but hes just pretty lazy. and he doesnt have a good role model.
thank You, God, for my father. thank You for all the experiences i have growing up, both good and bad, because they shape who i am today.
hopes and wishes
last night, dines and i go to our ex-principals retirement party. ive always had a good relationship with him, even though many dont care for him. hes always nurtured me, and he never micromanaged me. it is a leap of faith that he hire me, still wet behind the ears but looking cute.
when i left the school, it is on good terms, with many relationships in tact. ive never felt the itch to leave the way i do now. to be more accurate, the itch has turned into a full-blown, non-contagious rash. so i believe it is time.
it is good to see colleagues of the past, and it amazes me how well theyve aged. me? i feel like ive not aged well, but i think my unhappiness at my current position has slightly affected my face.
i tell him, my ex-principal, that i have a job interview on monday. he says to give him a call that morning, and he will speak kind words on my behalf to the current principal who he mentions is his good friend.
this ex-principal is well-known and has many connections. while ive never had to ask for such a favor, i am happy to take this because this is something i want.
and need. work has been good the past two weeks ive been back. my students are wonderful, and even the fuckers in the admin office are good. that may partly be because i feel that i am leaving.
my wish is to leave on good terms and go to this new position with the blessings of those i love.
my friend and i are going out on thursday for a farewell thing. im not sure if we will keep in touch. he isnt one to do so, and to be honest, neither am i. if its not in front of me, i tend to forget.
the friends that i do have, the ones who live far, the ones ive kept in touch with are ones with whom ive made a foundation so it isnt hard to pick up the phone or send an email anytime. it becomes difficult when its just acquaintances with no deeply-rooted trust.
i just receive word that november and marba are going out on friday. i laugh at this, mostly because if november had known where i am tonite, he would die.
last night, dines and i go to our ex-principals retirement party. ive always had a good relationship with him, even though many dont care for him. hes always nurtured me, and he never micromanaged me. it is a leap of faith that he hire me, still wet behind the ears but looking cute.
when i left the school, it is on good terms, with many relationships in tact. ive never felt the itch to leave the way i do now. to be more accurate, the itch has turned into a full-blown, non-contagious rash. so i believe it is time.
it is good to see colleagues of the past, and it amazes me how well theyve aged. me? i feel like ive not aged well, but i think my unhappiness at my current position has slightly affected my face.
i tell him, my ex-principal, that i have a job interview on monday. he says to give him a call that morning, and he will speak kind words on my behalf to the current principal who he mentions is his good friend.
this ex-principal is well-known and has many connections. while ive never had to ask for such a favor, i am happy to take this because this is something i want.
and need. work has been good the past two weeks ive been back. my students are wonderful, and even the fuckers in the admin office are good. that may partly be because i feel that i am leaving.
my wish is to leave on good terms and go to this new position with the blessings of those i love.
my friend and i are going out on thursday for a farewell thing. im not sure if we will keep in touch. he isnt one to do so, and to be honest, neither am i. if its not in front of me, i tend to forget.
the friends that i do have, the ones who live far, the ones ive kept in touch with are ones with whom ive made a foundation so it isnt hard to pick up the phone or send an email anytime. it becomes difficult when its just acquaintances with no deeply-rooted trust.
i just receive word that november and marba are going out on friday. i laugh at this, mostly because if november had known where i am tonite, he would die.
Friday, June 16, 2006
the phone rings
...and it is none other than november. the boy accidentally hangs it up, so i call him back. november and i make small talk, as is customary when we are warming up to deeper things, when call waiting cuts him off.
the name on my screen says its the guy, so i let november go.
november tells me the other night that i have to learn how to ask him questions. he also feels that we need to take turns talking so that neither of us dominates the conversation.
in response, i tell november that he doesnt listen to me. he agrees, so we promise to try.
the guy starts the conversation by explaining why he doesnt call me until now. something about his phone, getting a new one, blah blah blah.
then he tells me about his day, spending it with his grandma (a collective awwww), mowing the lawn and stuff.
he tells me why he works in the oc while living in upland (gag). his wife, i mean ex-wife, convinces him when they were married about blah blah blah so he yada yada yada.
the call lasts a long time, and i get in a few words, but he doesnt listen. i begin to miss november. mercifully, he arrives at work, and he says good bye.
i call november back, but he doesnt answer. i text message him, but he doesnt respond. this is how november is: he takes himself away from me. he needs that time to heal, i guess. its tiresome.
igra emails me a beautiful note today, but at the end he apologizes for sounding like he is lecturing. he reminds me that i find his spirituality attractive because he reflects my own spirituality. and my humor reflects his humor.
i love igra. i love that he is amazing and intelligent and wise and funny. he is such a wonderful person that i adore. i dont even care that he has a girlfriend. i just think he is fantastic.
i want to meet someone soon. it may be because its summer. it may be because i miss affection and intimacy.
...and it is none other than november. the boy accidentally hangs it up, so i call him back. november and i make small talk, as is customary when we are warming up to deeper things, when call waiting cuts him off.
the name on my screen says its the guy, so i let november go.
november tells me the other night that i have to learn how to ask him questions. he also feels that we need to take turns talking so that neither of us dominates the conversation.
in response, i tell november that he doesnt listen to me. he agrees, so we promise to try.
the guy starts the conversation by explaining why he doesnt call me until now. something about his phone, getting a new one, blah blah blah.
then he tells me about his day, spending it with his grandma (a collective awwww), mowing the lawn and stuff.
he tells me why he works in the oc while living in upland (gag). his wife, i mean ex-wife, convinces him when they were married about blah blah blah so he yada yada yada.
the call lasts a long time, and i get in a few words, but he doesnt listen. i begin to miss november. mercifully, he arrives at work, and he says good bye.
i call november back, but he doesnt answer. i text message him, but he doesnt respond. this is how november is: he takes himself away from me. he needs that time to heal, i guess. its tiresome.
igra emails me a beautiful note today, but at the end he apologizes for sounding like he is lecturing. he reminds me that i find his spirituality attractive because he reflects my own spirituality. and my humor reflects his humor.
i love igra. i love that he is amazing and intelligent and wise and funny. he is such a wonderful person that i adore. i dont even care that he has a girlfriend. i just think he is fantastic.
i want to meet someone soon. it may be because its summer. it may be because i miss affection and intimacy.
a conversation, early one morning, with my friend
im getting married, i start.
you are? when?
in august.
so soon?
no, not this august, next august.
well, i hope im invited.
of course you would be. but its going to be in hawaii.
then i definitely hope im invited. so, whos the guy?
its no one you know.
wow, marriage. thats a big thing.
i dont know. never done it before. and i start my new job on july 5th.
thats my birthday. he is so excited, i almost laugh.
well, i wanted to talk to you about that. id like to take you out for your birthday, if your girlfriend will let you.
about her...i broke up with her last night.
really? why?
she was getting too close. she was rushing it. you know how i like to take things slow.
how was she doing all that?
she called me every day, asking me what im doing, if i want to do anything. last sunday, her family had a barbecue, but i couldnt make it, and she said that her whole day was ruined.
does she know you well?
no. about two weeks.
give her time to get to know you. shell be sick of you.
but you know how i am, right? you know i dont want someone calling me all the time.
yeah, im the same way. i need my time to myself and for matt.
so you know what im saying about not wanting someone hounding me.
yes, but you have to remember. its not her fault.
what do you mean?
well, if shes your age, shes looking for a husband and a father for her babies. of course shes not going to let you go.
so what should i do? date younger girls?
i dont know. but i know that guys are hearing their biological clocks ticking, too.
its crazy.
so, do you think shell let me take you out for your birthday?
i told you already. i ended it. im free.
lets go next thursday.
sounds good.
just let me know ahead of time if you cant make it.
i can make it.
okay, but just in case.
im not going to be doing anything that day other than going out with you.
okay...good. oh, and by the way. i plan to get married next august. id like to get married next august. but i guess i have to find the guy first.
find the guy first.
im getting married, i start.
you are? when?
in august.
so soon?
no, not this august, next august.
well, i hope im invited.
of course you would be. but its going to be in hawaii.
then i definitely hope im invited. so, whos the guy?
its no one you know.
wow, marriage. thats a big thing.
i dont know. never done it before. and i start my new job on july 5th.
thats my birthday. he is so excited, i almost laugh.
well, i wanted to talk to you about that. id like to take you out for your birthday, if your girlfriend will let you.
about her...i broke up with her last night.
really? why?
she was getting too close. she was rushing it. you know how i like to take things slow.
how was she doing all that?
she called me every day, asking me what im doing, if i want to do anything. last sunday, her family had a barbecue, but i couldnt make it, and she said that her whole day was ruined.
does she know you well?
no. about two weeks.
give her time to get to know you. shell be sick of you.
but you know how i am, right? you know i dont want someone calling me all the time.
yeah, im the same way. i need my time to myself and for matt.
so you know what im saying about not wanting someone hounding me.
yes, but you have to remember. its not her fault.
what do you mean?
well, if shes your age, shes looking for a husband and a father for her babies. of course shes not going to let you go.
so what should i do? date younger girls?
i dont know. but i know that guys are hearing their biological clocks ticking, too.
its crazy.
so, do you think shell let me take you out for your birthday?
i told you already. i ended it. im free.
lets go next thursday.
sounds good.
just let me know ahead of time if you cant make it.
i can make it.
okay, but just in case.
im not going to be doing anything that day other than going out with you.
okay...good. oh, and by the way. i plan to get married next august. id like to get married next august. but i guess i have to find the guy first.
find the guy first.
Thursday, June 15, 2006
one day soon
the last post is terrible, i know. there are too many questions left unanswered, and i would hate to wonder what happened; id just as well want to know the logistics.
if any of you are like that, id like to offer up relief. when the sting of it all fades, and when my inexperienced heart heals, i will tell the tale of how november ended.
but for now, im going to keep my head up, go shopping, go to yoga, then go on a date (**gasp**). the last part is so untimely, and i wish one of us would cancel. at times like these, i just need to have time to wallow in the hurt, confusion, anger, and the love i feel.
on other fronts, i am going to seduce the hell out of my friend next thursday which is the last day i will see him before the work year ends. im thinking of taking him to a hookah lounge, inviting myself over to his house, then letting him have his way with me.
but ill be bringing the blindfold, so this leads me to believe that i might be the one having my way with him. he is so eager, so willing right now that it amuses me and encourages me to leave him guessing where im going to wine and dine him.
it has become easier to look into his eyes now without turning away, blushing. it has become easier to stand close to him, feeling the heat between us, and not bolting.
i know next thursday is nothing more than a simple good bye, but i want to make it special. because whether i care to confess it or not, he really actually is pretty special.
and he has big hands. and big feet.
the last post is terrible, i know. there are too many questions left unanswered, and i would hate to wonder what happened; id just as well want to know the logistics.
if any of you are like that, id like to offer up relief. when the sting of it all fades, and when my inexperienced heart heals, i will tell the tale of how november ended.
but for now, im going to keep my head up, go shopping, go to yoga, then go on a date (**gasp**). the last part is so untimely, and i wish one of us would cancel. at times like these, i just need to have time to wallow in the hurt, confusion, anger, and the love i feel.
on other fronts, i am going to seduce the hell out of my friend next thursday which is the last day i will see him before the work year ends. im thinking of taking him to a hookah lounge, inviting myself over to his house, then letting him have his way with me.
but ill be bringing the blindfold, so this leads me to believe that i might be the one having my way with him. he is so eager, so willing right now that it amuses me and encourages me to leave him guessing where im going to wine and dine him.
it has become easier to look into his eyes now without turning away, blushing. it has become easier to stand close to him, feeling the heat between us, and not bolting.
i know next thursday is nothing more than a simple good bye, but i want to make it special. because whether i care to confess it or not, he really actually is pretty special.
and he has big hands. and big feet.
Monday, June 12, 2006
so, theres this guy...
that i am very attracted to this guy from search who i meet last weekend. what do i find fascinating?
well, first, the guy is big. tall. and he has the most delicious lips.
second, he has tattoos. i know, i know, i know. fp has tats, and i thought i was over them, but here i am again.
third, everyone loves him. he is so sweet, and he has this big teddy bear thing going on for him.
fourth, i cant explain, but i dont feel hesitant getting to know him.
fifth, he looks like he would be a ton of fun.
so, i call him last night, and i leave a message for him. he hasnt called yet, but i have a feeling he will.
he told anbri that he tries to talk to me, but i move away from him when he starts. i dont realize i do this, mostly because i am so self-conscious that i want to leave in a rush.
i have high hopes. he seems a wonderful man, and i cant wait to talk to him.
that i am very attracted to this guy from search who i meet last weekend. what do i find fascinating?
well, first, the guy is big. tall. and he has the most delicious lips.
second, he has tattoos. i know, i know, i know. fp has tats, and i thought i was over them, but here i am again.
third, everyone loves him. he is so sweet, and he has this big teddy bear thing going on for him.
fourth, i cant explain, but i dont feel hesitant getting to know him.
fifth, he looks like he would be a ton of fun.
so, i call him last night, and i leave a message for him. he hasnt called yet, but i have a feeling he will.
he told anbri that he tries to talk to me, but i move away from him when he starts. i dont realize i do this, mostly because i am so self-conscious that i want to leave in a rush.
i have high hopes. he seems a wonderful man, and i cant wait to talk to him.
Sunday, June 11, 2006
starbucks and november
i really cannot stand marba, but november has developed a little knack for her. appararently, he calls her and she calls him, and while i dont care, im not really comfortable about this.
yesterday, we go to a book launch party in santa monica, and the crazy bitch wants to go home at some ridiculous hour. anyone care to guess the time? anyone? anyone?
she wants to go home at 9:00 friggin' p.m friday night. this is the same crazy bitch who wonders why she cant get a man. who asks november why no one wants her. who says she is cute. crazy bitch is NOT AT ALL.
anapi and i leave her to go watch the breakup. november texts me earlier that while we were on a break up, he saw the breakup.
tonite, november and i meet at starbucks. he invites marba, but the crazy bitch is tired and has gotten ready for bed at 10:30 friggin' p.m on a friggin' saturday night.
okay, okay, okay. i must admit that there have been times in the past where i was in bed and asleep on a saturday night before 9:00 p.m. reason? uh, none in particular, except that i may have been up way late the night before and i had to work early saturday.
neither here nor there, november's favorite-saying-of-the-moment. this is about november, not about my growing distaste for marba and her stupidity and vanity and overall confusion of why she cant get a guy. just to let ya all know, this is a constant topic of conversations whenever we go out.
november and i spend a nice evening out, talking and arguing. he tells me more about his relationships, and i wonder aloud why he wont allow himself to accept anyone in his life.
next week, im going to a party, and this girl is going to be there. i like her, but shes probably not catholic.
so what?
so what?!? what are you talking about? i havent dated a practicing catholic. thats why im single.
god, why wont you let yourself open up?
i am open.
really? you never put yourself into a postion to meet anyone.
i dont get him, ive realized. but i love him very much. hes a good friend, and i pray he meets her, the one who inhabits his mind, the one with short hair and is a practicing catholic, the one who will change her last name to his, and who will love him very much.
for now, he and i will hang out. karaoke on the 23rd, and hollywood bowl on the 25th. shame neither of us has anyone to do those things with except each other.
but i think we are equally happy for the moment. we are each others standbys, which will have to do for the moment. we will always be in each others lives, as kindred spirits. he moves me and humbles me with his friendship.
i wonder sometimes what hes doing with me. and other times, i wonder what im doing with him.
but at the end of the day, theres no one i would have rather spent the time with.
i really cannot stand marba, but november has developed a little knack for her. appararently, he calls her and she calls him, and while i dont care, im not really comfortable about this.
yesterday, we go to a book launch party in santa monica, and the crazy bitch wants to go home at some ridiculous hour. anyone care to guess the time? anyone? anyone?
she wants to go home at 9:00 friggin' p.m friday night. this is the same crazy bitch who wonders why she cant get a man. who asks november why no one wants her. who says she is cute. crazy bitch is NOT AT ALL.
anapi and i leave her to go watch the breakup. november texts me earlier that while we were on a break up, he saw the breakup.
tonite, november and i meet at starbucks. he invites marba, but the crazy bitch is tired and has gotten ready for bed at 10:30 friggin' p.m on a friggin' saturday night.
okay, okay, okay. i must admit that there have been times in the past where i was in bed and asleep on a saturday night before 9:00 p.m. reason? uh, none in particular, except that i may have been up way late the night before and i had to work early saturday.
neither here nor there, november's favorite-saying-of-the-moment. this is about november, not about my growing distaste for marba and her stupidity and vanity and overall confusion of why she cant get a guy. just to let ya all know, this is a constant topic of conversations whenever we go out.
november and i spend a nice evening out, talking and arguing. he tells me more about his relationships, and i wonder aloud why he wont allow himself to accept anyone in his life.
next week, im going to a party, and this girl is going to be there. i like her, but shes probably not catholic.
so what?
so what?!? what are you talking about? i havent dated a practicing catholic. thats why im single.
god, why wont you let yourself open up?
i am open.
really? you never put yourself into a postion to meet anyone.
i dont get him, ive realized. but i love him very much. hes a good friend, and i pray he meets her, the one who inhabits his mind, the one with short hair and is a practicing catholic, the one who will change her last name to his, and who will love him very much.
for now, he and i will hang out. karaoke on the 23rd, and hollywood bowl on the 25th. shame neither of us has anyone to do those things with except each other.
but i think we are equally happy for the moment. we are each others standbys, which will have to do for the moment. we will always be in each others lives, as kindred spirits. he moves me and humbles me with his friendship.
i wonder sometimes what hes doing with me. and other times, i wonder what im doing with him.
but at the end of the day, theres no one i would have rather spent the time with.
send your best wishes my way
interview for a counseling position at roosevelt high school (my alma mater...go roughriders!!!) on june 19th at 12:25 p.m.
i would love to be at this school, and not because i want to desperately escape the shit hole i am in now, but because this is where it all started for me.
ms. rodriguez, i would like to thank you for what youve done for me by doing the same for others.
interview for a counseling position at roosevelt high school (my alma mater...go roughriders!!!) on june 19th at 12:25 p.m.
i would love to be at this school, and not because i want to desperately escape the shit hole i am in now, but because this is where it all started for me.
ms. rodriguez, i would like to thank you for what youve done for me by doing the same for others.
my friend confesses
he comes into my room, and he begins to pace. i ask him a few questions to try to settle him down; questions like, "so, how you doinz?'", "what up, bitch?", and my all-time favorite "whats wrong wit chu?"
he doesnt bite. when he finally reveals what is on his mind, it comes out awkward, as opposed to the way he intended, which was casual.
so, im seeing this girl, and its kind of getting weird. do you think its too soon?
uh, no. youre not planning on marrying her yet, are you?
hell no.
then its not too soon.
im not divorced yet.
huh.
she calls me every afternoon.
thats nice, isnt it?
yes, but its kind of weird. and weve been spending a lot of time together.
well, for your sake, youd better fuck her before she realizes how boring you are.
i think shes beginning to suspect, and i might have only a week left before she understands how boring i am.
i was just kidding, you know. you arent THAT boring.
no, i am.
so, wait a second...i missed something, pipes in gaya. you have a girlfriend now, and you have a boyfriend?
no, i dont have a girlfriend.
i dont have a boyfriend. we stumble over each other for our protests to be heard.
but i was listening to your conversation, and it sounds like you have a girlfriend, she says.
no, shes just a girl. shes an events promoter. and im so not into that shit. its the extreme opposite of me.
its not that extreme, i say.
anyway, ive got to go.
okay. have a good one.
he wants me to react, i can tell, but im too busy digesting the information. hes really been attractive lately, but hes still the same guy who wont make the first move, and then the attraction fades.
i sometimes wonder why i consider him my friend when we havent really taken the time to maintain this "friendship." two more weeks, and we are off. he will be in argentina, and if all goes well, i will be a counselor.
he comes into my room, and he begins to pace. i ask him a few questions to try to settle him down; questions like, "so, how you doinz?'", "what up, bitch?", and my all-time favorite "whats wrong wit chu?"
he doesnt bite. when he finally reveals what is on his mind, it comes out awkward, as opposed to the way he intended, which was casual.
so, im seeing this girl, and its kind of getting weird. do you think its too soon?
uh, no. youre not planning on marrying her yet, are you?
hell no.
then its not too soon.
im not divorced yet.
huh.
she calls me every afternoon.
thats nice, isnt it?
yes, but its kind of weird. and weve been spending a lot of time together.
well, for your sake, youd better fuck her before she realizes how boring you are.
i think shes beginning to suspect, and i might have only a week left before she understands how boring i am.
i was just kidding, you know. you arent THAT boring.
no, i am.
so, wait a second...i missed something, pipes in gaya. you have a girlfriend now, and you have a boyfriend?
no, i dont have a girlfriend.
i dont have a boyfriend. we stumble over each other for our protests to be heard.
but i was listening to your conversation, and it sounds like you have a girlfriend, she says.
no, shes just a girl. shes an events promoter. and im so not into that shit. its the extreme opposite of me.
its not that extreme, i say.
anyway, ive got to go.
okay. have a good one.
he wants me to react, i can tell, but im too busy digesting the information. hes really been attractive lately, but hes still the same guy who wont make the first move, and then the attraction fades.
i sometimes wonder why i consider him my friend when we havent really taken the time to maintain this "friendship." two more weeks, and we are off. he will be in argentina, and if all goes well, i will be a counselor.
Friday, June 09, 2006
in two parts...part two
he calls me, but i miss it, on wednesday. i call him back, but he doesnt answer, so i check the message he leaves.
hey, its me. got your text message, and i want to thank you. if you have time later, i guess we should talk. i dont know what you are doing tonite, but maybe we can get coffee. if you cant make it, just call me back, and let me know when you can go. ill talk to you later.
i listen to the message a few times to analyze every word so i can prepare myself for an appropriate response. hours later, i return his call.
got your message. sorry i missed your call...i was getting my hair cut. im here.
and in case he doesnt check his message right away, i send off a text.
im free tonite. are we going to have one of THOSE talks? im so bad at them.
he responds to none, and i know that i have to suffer with the thoughts running through my head. i go home, and take a nap, and i debate whether or not to see him. in the end, i do.
what does your shirt say? i ask. i really dont care what it says, and impulsively, i hug him. hard. long. and i cant let go.
so, where do you want to go?
kaldis.
i get there first, but i sit in my car, not ready to face him yet. when i see him walk in, i wait, and when im ready, i go in.
do you mind if we go for a walk? i know the perfect place, i tell him after we take our drinks.
sure.
im still mad at you, you know.
YOURE mad at me?
yes...still.
we laugh at the irony of it all, and i stop at the park bench where i will hear of my punishment. we sit side by side and talk nonsense, filling the time until we can no longer contain what it is we really want to say.
you hurt me the other night. thats why i havent called you, he begins.
i know. i figured.
you hurt me because you put our friendship on the block. and i know you were drunk, but i take my friendships seriously. you put it on the line. and i keep thinking to myself that you could do this again. that you could threaten our friendship if you dont like whats going on.
youre absolutely right, but ...
dont talk yet, i want to finish.
okay.
i genuinely cared about you, and i just wanted for you to be safe. and i would hope that if i were in a condition like that that you would take care of me. im done now.
youre absolutely right about putting our friendship on the line like that. i know what i said, and i meant it. you cornered me. and i fight back like this. did you think i was stupid and reckless...that i would put my life in jeopardy for a five-minute drive? that i would leave matt alone because of stupidity? the problem is that you didnt trust me, and thats what hurt me.
but i just wanted to take you home. just to make sure you were safe.
im sorry, but i dont want to be treated like that. you made me feel like i was being put through intervention. and over what? one drink? come on. i was sweating all the alcohol out. and i may be stupid, but i am also in love with my child. so much so that i wouldnt risk leaving him alone in this world. i know my limitations and my capacity.
okay. its late. lets go. you know im right about this. you will sleep tonite thinking about this and knowing im right.
no, i wont because i dont think you are. and i know i pushed your boundaries, and im sorry. dont ever compromise your boundaries.
im right. youll see.
no, you arent.
i love you.
i love you, too, but youre wrong about this.
bye.
bye.
he calls me, but i miss it, on wednesday. i call him back, but he doesnt answer, so i check the message he leaves.
hey, its me. got your text message, and i want to thank you. if you have time later, i guess we should talk. i dont know what you are doing tonite, but maybe we can get coffee. if you cant make it, just call me back, and let me know when you can go. ill talk to you later.
i listen to the message a few times to analyze every word so i can prepare myself for an appropriate response. hours later, i return his call.
got your message. sorry i missed your call...i was getting my hair cut. im here.
and in case he doesnt check his message right away, i send off a text.
im free tonite. are we going to have one of THOSE talks? im so bad at them.
he responds to none, and i know that i have to suffer with the thoughts running through my head. i go home, and take a nap, and i debate whether or not to see him. in the end, i do.
what does your shirt say? i ask. i really dont care what it says, and impulsively, i hug him. hard. long. and i cant let go.
so, where do you want to go?
kaldis.
i get there first, but i sit in my car, not ready to face him yet. when i see him walk in, i wait, and when im ready, i go in.
do you mind if we go for a walk? i know the perfect place, i tell him after we take our drinks.
sure.
im still mad at you, you know.
YOURE mad at me?
yes...still.
we laugh at the irony of it all, and i stop at the park bench where i will hear of my punishment. we sit side by side and talk nonsense, filling the time until we can no longer contain what it is we really want to say.
you hurt me the other night. thats why i havent called you, he begins.
i know. i figured.
you hurt me because you put our friendship on the block. and i know you were drunk, but i take my friendships seriously. you put it on the line. and i keep thinking to myself that you could do this again. that you could threaten our friendship if you dont like whats going on.
youre absolutely right, but ...
dont talk yet, i want to finish.
okay.
i genuinely cared about you, and i just wanted for you to be safe. and i would hope that if i were in a condition like that that you would take care of me. im done now.
youre absolutely right about putting our friendship on the line like that. i know what i said, and i meant it. you cornered me. and i fight back like this. did you think i was stupid and reckless...that i would put my life in jeopardy for a five-minute drive? that i would leave matt alone because of stupidity? the problem is that you didnt trust me, and thats what hurt me.
but i just wanted to take you home. just to make sure you were safe.
im sorry, but i dont want to be treated like that. you made me feel like i was being put through intervention. and over what? one drink? come on. i was sweating all the alcohol out. and i may be stupid, but i am also in love with my child. so much so that i wouldnt risk leaving him alone in this world. i know my limitations and my capacity.
okay. its late. lets go. you know im right about this. you will sleep tonite thinking about this and knowing im right.
no, i wont because i dont think you are. and i know i pushed your boundaries, and im sorry. dont ever compromise your boundaries.
im right. youll see.
no, you arent.
i love you.
i love you, too, but youre wrong about this.
bye.
bye.
Thursday, June 08, 2006
in two parts...part one
it seems so long ago, june 3rd, but only four days have passed.
dines and lines celebrate their 30th year at this cool little spot called the good luck bar. it is good to see faces that i havent seen lately.
november buys me a drink, and someone put a little extra kick to it. shamefully, the damn alcohol enters my blood stream at a rate that makes me laugh now.
i spot a guy, sprawled out on the bench corner, and i know i have to have that place once he vacates it. what else could i do except to start up a conversation. i make my way to him, say hi, and take a seat.
he tells me he is currently living in ohio, that he works for abercrombie (im guessing he is a model because he is pretty hot) in merchandise, and that he will be leaving in a few days.
the conversation is very superficial, but he is a nice guy. earnest and honest. sweet and gorgeous. but i find myself looking over towards november to make sure he is okay, so the boy who supposedly has my attention really doesnt.
in fact, he bores me. what an awful sight i am: bored and a bit buzzed. i look towards the party, and some are giving me a thumbs up sign, and others are smiling like im going to score. little do they know that at this moment, a good book is what id rather be focusing on.
november disappears for awhile, so i call him, and i leave a slurred message on his voicemail. i ask jado to find him to rescue me from this situation, but happily, the guy is about to leave.
will you be staying long here? he asks.
well, since i just got here, i imagine so. are you guys off to another bar?
im not sure, but you know me...im a busy guy.
you seem to be so. too bad you live so far away. we couldve hung out.
ohio isnt that far from l.a.
funny, im not a geographer, but last time i checked a map, it seemed like quite a drive...
its not that far...
well, your friend is waiting, so youd better go.
he ignores my statement, and we continue talking about books, movies, and relationships. i am really uninterested, which is partly because it is hot and partly because november is gone.
he looks into my eyes as if hes wondering how to say good bye, and finally, he stands up, touches my knees, and walks away.
november returns, and i ask him to sit by me. i feel flirty with him all of a sudden, and i want to let him know that he is the one id rather be talking to.
alas, something happens, and once again, we are separated. however, he is always within watching distance, and i feel his eyes on me, even when he is holding a conversation with someone else.
the night wears on, and i sweat the alcohol from my system. when they turn on the lights, i know it is time to go. so, we gather our shit, and we head out.
after saying our goodbyes, we walk to novembers car, and then the shit hits the fan.
im going to drop you off at your house, he tells me.
really? why?
because you are drunk.
oh, come on, silly. im not drunk.
yes, you are, anapi chimes in.
god, are you guys serious? you dont know me very well. im not drunk.
then we will just drive you home.
no, i have to be up in a few hours , and i need my car.
okay, then we will drive your car for you.
lets not waste time on this. im going home in my car.
no, im going to take you home, and i want you to stop this. dines told me to take you home.
november, you are going to take me to my car, and im going to drive the five-minute drive home. its no big deal. you can call me on the phone if youd like and talk to me the whole way home.
no...none of that. we are going to take you home.
you know what? i dont want you to do that. please dont put our friendship on the line.
how am i doing that?
you arent respecting me.
its because we care about you, anapi says.
i know you do, and i love you for it, but honestly, you guys, im fine. i was really tame tonite.
but you should just let us drive. we care about you.
this goes on for a tense ten minutes, and finally, when all else fails, i retreat to being an asshole.
you know what, november? dines likes you. she likes you for me. she wants us to be together, but i dont.
there is silence, and he turns the car around and heads for anapis house. jado offers to go home with me to make sure i am safe. i take him up on it.
when we arrive at anapis house, november jumps out of the car and walks across the street. i walk to my car, and jado follows me. i drive away without looking back, but i know november is hurt.
so am i.
it seems so long ago, june 3rd, but only four days have passed.
dines and lines celebrate their 30th year at this cool little spot called the good luck bar. it is good to see faces that i havent seen lately.
november buys me a drink, and someone put a little extra kick to it. shamefully, the damn alcohol enters my blood stream at a rate that makes me laugh now.
i spot a guy, sprawled out on the bench corner, and i know i have to have that place once he vacates it. what else could i do except to start up a conversation. i make my way to him, say hi, and take a seat.
he tells me he is currently living in ohio, that he works for abercrombie (im guessing he is a model because he is pretty hot) in merchandise, and that he will be leaving in a few days.
the conversation is very superficial, but he is a nice guy. earnest and honest. sweet and gorgeous. but i find myself looking over towards november to make sure he is okay, so the boy who supposedly has my attention really doesnt.
in fact, he bores me. what an awful sight i am: bored and a bit buzzed. i look towards the party, and some are giving me a thumbs up sign, and others are smiling like im going to score. little do they know that at this moment, a good book is what id rather be focusing on.
november disappears for awhile, so i call him, and i leave a slurred message on his voicemail. i ask jado to find him to rescue me from this situation, but happily, the guy is about to leave.
will you be staying long here? he asks.
well, since i just got here, i imagine so. are you guys off to another bar?
im not sure, but you know me...im a busy guy.
you seem to be so. too bad you live so far away. we couldve hung out.
ohio isnt that far from l.a.
funny, im not a geographer, but last time i checked a map, it seemed like quite a drive...
its not that far...
well, your friend is waiting, so youd better go.
he ignores my statement, and we continue talking about books, movies, and relationships. i am really uninterested, which is partly because it is hot and partly because november is gone.
he looks into my eyes as if hes wondering how to say good bye, and finally, he stands up, touches my knees, and walks away.
november returns, and i ask him to sit by me. i feel flirty with him all of a sudden, and i want to let him know that he is the one id rather be talking to.
alas, something happens, and once again, we are separated. however, he is always within watching distance, and i feel his eyes on me, even when he is holding a conversation with someone else.
the night wears on, and i sweat the alcohol from my system. when they turn on the lights, i know it is time to go. so, we gather our shit, and we head out.
after saying our goodbyes, we walk to novembers car, and then the shit hits the fan.
im going to drop you off at your house, he tells me.
really? why?
because you are drunk.
oh, come on, silly. im not drunk.
yes, you are, anapi chimes in.
god, are you guys serious? you dont know me very well. im not drunk.
then we will just drive you home.
no, i have to be up in a few hours , and i need my car.
okay, then we will drive your car for you.
lets not waste time on this. im going home in my car.
no, im going to take you home, and i want you to stop this. dines told me to take you home.
november, you are going to take me to my car, and im going to drive the five-minute drive home. its no big deal. you can call me on the phone if youd like and talk to me the whole way home.
no...none of that. we are going to take you home.
you know what? i dont want you to do that. please dont put our friendship on the line.
how am i doing that?
you arent respecting me.
its because we care about you, anapi says.
i know you do, and i love you for it, but honestly, you guys, im fine. i was really tame tonite.
but you should just let us drive. we care about you.
this goes on for a tense ten minutes, and finally, when all else fails, i retreat to being an asshole.
you know what, november? dines likes you. she likes you for me. she wants us to be together, but i dont.
there is silence, and he turns the car around and heads for anapis house. jado offers to go home with me to make sure i am safe. i take him up on it.
when we arrive at anapis house, november jumps out of the car and walks across the street. i walk to my car, and jado follows me. i drive away without looking back, but i know november is hurt.
so am i.
it is a good thing
i should have brought some rope because you cant keep your hands to yourself, i begin.
yes, why didnt you?
didnt have time to stop at home depot.
but next time...
and ill bring my very favorite purchase for you: a beautiful, black velvet blindfold.
shouldve brought it tonite.
i know...but next time.
indeed.
so, thank you for allowing me my fantasy. youve been the only one i could possibly play with like this.
come on...
really. ive been around some very serious catholics lately. we dont talk specifics about sex. the most weve said is that none of us are getting any.
why hang with them?
because they make me feel like im good.
like youll get into heaven by sheer birds-of-a-feather logic?
yeah, sort of...but im more like that one-rotten-apple-spoils something.
well, im sure theyre having fun, at least.
oh, yes, baby, i provide the little bit of bad to their blood.
just a little bit?
a lot of bit. so, do you want to talk, or should i keep my mouth stuffed?
come here...
i should have brought some rope because you cant keep your hands to yourself, i begin.
yes, why didnt you?
didnt have time to stop at home depot.
but next time...
and ill bring my very favorite purchase for you: a beautiful, black velvet blindfold.
shouldve brought it tonite.
i know...but next time.
indeed.
so, thank you for allowing me my fantasy. youve been the only one i could possibly play with like this.
come on...
really. ive been around some very serious catholics lately. we dont talk specifics about sex. the most weve said is that none of us are getting any.
why hang with them?
because they make me feel like im good.
like youll get into heaven by sheer birds-of-a-feather logic?
yeah, sort of...but im more like that one-rotten-apple-spoils something.
well, im sure theyre having fun, at least.
oh, yes, baby, i provide the little bit of bad to their blood.
just a little bit?
a lot of bit. so, do you want to talk, or should i keep my mouth stuffed?
come here...
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
luro calls again
it starts out innocently enough through email.
hello, how are you? how is the boy? sorry i havent been around, but im back now. we should get coffee and chat.
i reply: the boy and i are great. we should definitely get coffee and chat. when is a good time for you?
and so on, and so on, and so on.
i really have no intention of meeting him again, since i havent been feeling good lately. however, he is so funny and witty that i know i cannot resist.
he wants to meet on friday, but i am busy with search and a movie with november after, so i negotiate a better time. he is so accomodating that i almost cancel out on november, but i know not to do that.
november calls me after i send off the last email to luro, and i tell him about it. november asks why i dont go with him, and i tell him that i am not feeling up to it tonite, but i like luro, and eventually we will meet up.
yesterday, luro and i flirt through text message. he invites me to his house on several occassions, but i tell him that i know his little tricks.
at ten, he calls me, and we make plans to meet. by eleven, i am on his couch, coughing from the one and only puff from his bong. he has the best shit.
he sits next to me, and he looks into my eyes.
you look good, he says.
thanks, you too.
your skin is so soft. he leans down and kisses my knees.
thanks. so...
he kisses me, and i wonder if i am doing it right. i become self-conscious because it has been months since ive kissed anyone. the buddhist was an awfully wonderful kisser. its all about the lips, i say.
luro is sweet. he is attentive, and he is respectful when i tell him that i am not there to fuck him.
i told you earlier that my intention is to not sleep with you because i do not want to break this celibacy vow, but i do need to taste you.
then i would have to return the favor.
im sorry, but not today.
that hardly sounds fair.
this is all for you, so dont even worry about me.
let me think about that for a second. hhhmmm...that sounds good, but still, id like to taste you.
im sorry, but im a selfish.
the truth comes out.
doesnt it always?
he kisses me hungrily. then he grabs my hand and leads me to the bedroom. on the way there, he holds me from behind in the most tender of ways.
we lie there, talking at first, laughing at references from text messages. it is so comfortable, and it is so unbelievably sweet and uncomplicated.
i take him into my mouth, and i love the sound of the gasp when he feels my tongue on him. he intertwines my fingers with his and tussles my hair.
when he finishes, revelations begin to come out.
should i wait another six months before i contact you? i ask.
six months? thats too long to not talk to you. i might be married by then.
married? really? wow, thats a big commitment.
its far into the future. i dont even have a girlfriend.
do you have plenty of girlfriends?
no, not at all.
bullshit.
seriously. the only reason i would get married is because i want to have children.
is your biological clock ticking? is that it?
yeah...its time. cant you hear it?
come on, who is pushing you really? your mom?
kind of. she wants me to have kids.
i feel like a lesbian right now because you are such a girl. thats so wonderful.
shes not really pushing it, but shes brought it up.
wonderful. but i dont want to be institutionalized in a marriage yet. i havent met the right one.
i havent met anyone yet, either.
it is getting late, and i wonder how i can leave this warm, comfortable bed?
should i go? you seem tired.
no, not yet.
he pulls me closer. he holds me, and i am able to breathe. this surprises me because it is usually at this moment that i want to leave.
i let him play with my hair; i let him hold my hand; i let him kiss me. i feel so warmed by this. im beginning to believe that luro needs this kind of attention.
you are a giver, arent you? i ask.
yes, i am.
i am, too, thats why i wanted to give you this time.
but i am a giver, too. thats why i wont be patient the next time you wont let me taste you.
i get up to leave, taking my time this time. the last two times i am here, i rush out with my bra in my hands, but this time, theres no need to run away.
we say good bye. he hugs me, and he walks me to the door. i have a feeling i will be back soon.
it starts out innocently enough through email.
hello, how are you? how is the boy? sorry i havent been around, but im back now. we should get coffee and chat.
i reply: the boy and i are great. we should definitely get coffee and chat. when is a good time for you?
and so on, and so on, and so on.
i really have no intention of meeting him again, since i havent been feeling good lately. however, he is so funny and witty that i know i cannot resist.
he wants to meet on friday, but i am busy with search and a movie with november after, so i negotiate a better time. he is so accomodating that i almost cancel out on november, but i know not to do that.
november calls me after i send off the last email to luro, and i tell him about it. november asks why i dont go with him, and i tell him that i am not feeling up to it tonite, but i like luro, and eventually we will meet up.
yesterday, luro and i flirt through text message. he invites me to his house on several occassions, but i tell him that i know his little tricks.
at ten, he calls me, and we make plans to meet. by eleven, i am on his couch, coughing from the one and only puff from his bong. he has the best shit.
he sits next to me, and he looks into my eyes.
you look good, he says.
thanks, you too.
your skin is so soft. he leans down and kisses my knees.
thanks. so...
he kisses me, and i wonder if i am doing it right. i become self-conscious because it has been months since ive kissed anyone. the buddhist was an awfully wonderful kisser. its all about the lips, i say.
luro is sweet. he is attentive, and he is respectful when i tell him that i am not there to fuck him.
i told you earlier that my intention is to not sleep with you because i do not want to break this celibacy vow, but i do need to taste you.
then i would have to return the favor.
im sorry, but not today.
that hardly sounds fair.
this is all for you, so dont even worry about me.
let me think about that for a second. hhhmmm...that sounds good, but still, id like to taste you.
im sorry, but im a selfish.
the truth comes out.
doesnt it always?
he kisses me hungrily. then he grabs my hand and leads me to the bedroom. on the way there, he holds me from behind in the most tender of ways.
we lie there, talking at first, laughing at references from text messages. it is so comfortable, and it is so unbelievably sweet and uncomplicated.
i take him into my mouth, and i love the sound of the gasp when he feels my tongue on him. he intertwines my fingers with his and tussles my hair.
when he finishes, revelations begin to come out.
should i wait another six months before i contact you? i ask.
six months? thats too long to not talk to you. i might be married by then.
married? really? wow, thats a big commitment.
its far into the future. i dont even have a girlfriend.
do you have plenty of girlfriends?
no, not at all.
bullshit.
seriously. the only reason i would get married is because i want to have children.
is your biological clock ticking? is that it?
yeah...its time. cant you hear it?
come on, who is pushing you really? your mom?
kind of. she wants me to have kids.
i feel like a lesbian right now because you are such a girl. thats so wonderful.
shes not really pushing it, but shes brought it up.
wonderful. but i dont want to be institutionalized in a marriage yet. i havent met the right one.
i havent met anyone yet, either.
it is getting late, and i wonder how i can leave this warm, comfortable bed?
should i go? you seem tired.
no, not yet.
he pulls me closer. he holds me, and i am able to breathe. this surprises me because it is usually at this moment that i want to leave.
i let him play with my hair; i let him hold my hand; i let him kiss me. i feel so warmed by this. im beginning to believe that luro needs this kind of attention.
you are a giver, arent you? i ask.
yes, i am.
i am, too, thats why i wanted to give you this time.
but i am a giver, too. thats why i wont be patient the next time you wont let me taste you.
i get up to leave, taking my time this time. the last two times i am here, i rush out with my bra in my hands, but this time, theres no need to run away.
we say good bye. he hugs me, and he walks me to the door. i have a feeling i will be back soon.
Friday, June 02, 2006
slowly getting back to normal
of course, when i wake up today to take my meds, i am so groggy that i fall back asleep. im a bit groggy still, but my spirits are back to normal. slowly.
luro has been emailing, and i realize that i really like his intelligence. i love our instant messages the most, but i also love his voice. he has a slight accent that i find so sexy.
im not sure if i am up to seeing him again. not yet, at least. i have to really be in the frame of mind to not sleep with him. i just dont find it alluring right now.
but i know that i need some form of human contact, and i got plenty of that at search. i love search. well, to be truthful, i struggle with my burdens so at the last search weekend, i do not appreciate it as well as i could have.
igra has moved in with his girlfriend, and it seems she is upset with all the time he puts in on other things besides the relationship. i dont blame her. he is a wonderful person, and i would like to be around him, and im not even his girlfriend.
things are slowly getting back to normal.
now a favor. gentle readers, please send your wishes my way as i seek new employment away from the dreadful cesspool where i currently work. yesterday, i speak to a wonderful lady who seems highly supportive of school counselors at my alma mater. she is looking for someone, and if it is Gods will, thats where i shall start on july 5th.
of course, i need an interview first.
of course, when i wake up today to take my meds, i am so groggy that i fall back asleep. im a bit groggy still, but my spirits are back to normal. slowly.
luro has been emailing, and i realize that i really like his intelligence. i love our instant messages the most, but i also love his voice. he has a slight accent that i find so sexy.
im not sure if i am up to seeing him again. not yet, at least. i have to really be in the frame of mind to not sleep with him. i just dont find it alluring right now.
but i know that i need some form of human contact, and i got plenty of that at search. i love search. well, to be truthful, i struggle with my burdens so at the last search weekend, i do not appreciate it as well as i could have.
igra has moved in with his girlfriend, and it seems she is upset with all the time he puts in on other things besides the relationship. i dont blame her. he is a wonderful person, and i would like to be around him, and im not even his girlfriend.
things are slowly getting back to normal.
now a favor. gentle readers, please send your wishes my way as i seek new employment away from the dreadful cesspool where i currently work. yesterday, i speak to a wonderful lady who seems highly supportive of school counselors at my alma mater. she is looking for someone, and if it is Gods will, thats where i shall start on july 5th.
of course, i need an interview first.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
