uninspired

im trying to remember the last time i was celibate. last year, i think it was, when i was on my good catholic girl kick, hanging with november.

i really had no choice in the matter then, my depression taking over my libido. and here i am again, celibate, though this time, fatigue dominates my life.

i have no interest really in anyone. i havent seen the dimpled jc lately, and when i did see him, there was just a quick hi.

my stalker has been asking for my number lately, and finally today, i gave it to him. he will be the dean in the slc i will be working for, and it should be interesting. if he werent so immature, id trust him, but hes a pest.

i miss w so bloody much, but hes done. and every day, every step seems a little easier. but if he were to give me word, i know i would have much to reconsider.

i want that word.

must be the full moon

when i was younger, there was a silly (yet so believable) urban legend that if the moons light touches human skin, something odd would happen. my bedroom in the suburb of chicago had two huge windows, and hiding from the moon was pretty daunting.

i feared the moon until i went off to ucsd, where one night, i met a guy and spent the best part of the night talking and exploring the campus. at 18, this was my most favorite part of courtship, as it is now, 20 years later.

nothing ever happened between me and this boy. everyone looks different in the day, but he was a nice guy. we walked miles from one part of the campus to another, circled back and walked some more. we sat at a bench and looked at the moon, and i think this was the first time i fell in love with la luna.

im a night owl by nature, but my profession keeps me from staying up all night because of my early morning hours. the last time i stayed up late talking to someone was a year ago, with w, and i knew that he had me. it was his voice, the way he listened, the way he spoke.

the night has been beautiful lately, causing me to text w last night, the moon is gorgeous tonite. of course he didnt respond. he wont respond because hes had it with me.

ive needed him this weekend, especially friday night. but again, what would i do with him? im so used to this treatment that i might actually have a heart attack if he acts differently.

you know, i made a mistake. a huge, irreparable mistake, and i have no hope in hell that he would forgive me. virgos just dont do that. sorry, virgos, but your forgiveness skills leave a lot to be desired.

virgos are my weakness, and i have to really be overprotective of myself. not that there is anyone around. i dont want to meet anyone right now, not yet.

i just want some time for a vacation.

pride, massage envy, and expected bee-havior

i completely and desperately miss him, miss w, but i wont do anything about it anymore. unanswered (or perhaps hes ignoring me) messages leave me dejected and a bit defeated.

it isnt that i know what i would do anyway had he responded or should he respond. i mean, its been so long since ive seen him that maybe it is better to let sleeping dogs lie.

i have no desire to meet anyone right now. i need to have him exorcised from my soul, from the tiny pores in my skin, from the dark, deep crevices of my cerebellum.

there is need to touch him, to connect with him again, in an effort to connect with myself. a year ago today, when it was still fresh and unknown, i remember talking to him while at my cousins first birthday party. here i am, the boy is now a curious two, and my interest in w has grown unimaginably huge.

i quit. im resigned to the fact that the man will no longer talk to me. no longer allow me anywhere near him. and this punishment is just, for if i were in his place, id react the same way.

funny people, the ones who cant and dont trust. myself included. i know that my trust issues have neither protected me or allowed me to advance.

but im hopeless about w. id like to see him. id like to see him and soon.

in other news, today i got my first real massage at massage envy. it was amazing. the girl was so good, and i got a year membership just because in my year-long effort to be good to myself, im including this.

i needed this today because on monday, i have to speak with the queen bee. not at all my choice. she came up to me at the senior dinner dance and told me in her queen bee voice, see me monday.

do you want to talk now?

she walked away as i was asking, shaking her head, then turned around and said, i want to enjoy tonite.

ironically, bitch left a half hour after she said that.

the old me would be afraid, worried. but the new, improved me feels safe and secure. i did nothing wrong, and if she were to fire me, which is doubtful, i would make a graceful exit.

glenla really eased my anxiety when he spoke to me outside about what happened. i trust him, and i feel good that he told me, shes nuts.

shes a fucking menopausal lunatic with huge control and power issues. i know she will rot in hell next to the other loser admins from lausd. i have no respect for her dictorial ways, and one day, she will feel the shame and pain of what she did to good people, innocent people who just happened to be working under her.

im not going to cower because i dont fear her. if she fires me, well, then ill go on to better and bigger things. thats always been my lot in this world, though ive never been fired from a job before.

i actually want to go to the glendale school district and make more money. can i do this? barstos wife is the head of the counselors in the district, and if i get a chance to speak to her, id be so grateful.

im tired of this bullshit, you know? i need more from my life. i dont feel fulfilled, and i wonder if i wont stay at a job i dont really want to be in around people i dont really like at a place whose odor of trash announce that i am close to the campus.

if it werent for my kids, for those wonderful little shits, i would leave. and if i were to actually get an offer today, id leave without remorse.

i wont stay longer than necessary like at the hellhole. oh, the devil in a cheap suit is being transferred. there is a santa claus.

anyway. i want that w. i want him here between my legs, touching my hair, and exerting pain.

can i have that again?

desperate need

i want to say to him: w, what i would give to have your teeth exert pressure against the skin on my left shoulder as your cock enters my lubed ass and to hear the breath escape from your mouth when you feel the tightness give in and to kiss your hands as they cover my mouth and keep my gasp of pleasure.

its been so long, you know? so long since ive smelled his scent and tasted his tongue. and i fucking miss it.

forgiveness is so hard to come by these days.

almost there

next tuesday will be the last day before my students go off-track. some of them will be taking intersession, some will be working, some will be...i dont fucking know...but i will have the chance to catch my breath and do some work in another part of the campus.

this has put ellar into a wondering funk, and im glad. i wouldnt work during my vacation, she said the other day, and thats probably why they didnt ask me to work.

but we all know why she wasnt asked: shes a fucking mean, bitter bitch, and the kids dont like her. shes rude, shes old, and shes bipolar.

speaking of bipolar, jaken was the one who asked me if i could do more hours at the another office, and jaker who is funny and sweet and new told me he was more than happy that i was asked because i was his choice.

work has been depleting me of my energies, but my kids are so awesome, and if the fucking asshole who works in the office is rude to them again, im going to tell him something.

i love working with glo, though. hes so easy going and just damned complimentary that im at times intimidated by him. he is my boss, and the admiration is mutual, but beyond that, there is no tension. hes married, in love, and a father.

i will have to write a long post about november, who came back into the picture the other day, but upon thinking about it, i have decided that i do not want a virgo back into my life. hes got such audacity, and not in a good way.

i need to be more creative. im taking some classes through the inner city arts program to get my salary points but more importantly, to find inspiration since my muse dumped my ass in early july. dines and lines will be taking it with me. i hope.

my bed is calling me, and ive got an early day tomorrow. my boy is coming with me to work, and it will be a great day. tomorrow night is the senior dinner. this will be interesting...

fourteen months

an unexpected surprise.

a virgo has returned to my life, and i will honor this in friendship and honesty and trust.

but it is not the virgo that i want, nor will the virgo that i want return to my life. however, if he did, if i were that lucky, id do things so much more differently.

i love that mclovin from superbad.

and on saturday, im getting a massage. its time. and im going to be working more than i wanted because i was offered more hours. im getting my car as a reward.

and november will come early this year.

celibacy and clarity

at least it is in my life. the last time i was celibate was last year from february to july. of course friends frown upon this decision, but im not going to give it up to just any dumb fuck.

case in point: the irish/french guy. it isnt as if we are in contact; in fact, there was a point where we just didnt speak. there are things about him that remind me of the bad in the exbf, and im not going to go through that again.

i told him that he being irish was of concern to me, among other things, especially that hes a rock star who gets blow jobs from whoever whenever. nothing ever happened between us, and he told me that he was done with this and for me to have a nice life.

why? because i cant get over w. he knows about him, knows why w is no longer speaking to me, knows why i cant let go.

i have no energy to pretend anymore that im okay, when im not okay. im stunned. im ashamed. im regretful. and im accepting of my fate.

fuck sex right now. im celibate, and i welcome it. like before, this is my decision, this is how i roll, and i dont give a shit if people dont understand, agree, or respect it.

dines is one who thinks i need to get back into the game. she said that it was over with w, and that i have to move on.

i know this. and i am moving on. but moving on does not involve sex. and i will remain celibate until im ready, until i meet someone i genuinely like and have a connection with. i want what i had with w, i want mutual respect and just awesomeness. i want that.

as for w, it was transparently clear that he is done with me also. and can i blame him? no. i truly respect and understand where he is coming from, and to save our dignity, i will leave him alone.

he weakens me really. hes breathtaking and strong. and i will miss him.

plodding along

is it selfish of me to never settle for less than what i want?

when i was in my late twentys, when social outlet was the best thing around but second to motherhood, i hated friday and saturday nights if i had nothing to do.

i had plenty of friends then, drinking buddies of both sexes, and i was celibate. i had been mourning the ending of my relationship with the boys father, and it was taking a long time to just get over it.

my drinking was always on the brink of getting out of control. seven drinks were my minimum, and it wasnt fun until someone was passing out.

during this phase, i met a sleazy, dirty boy i could not resist. he was shady, man, real shady, but not in the eminem type of way.

we used to drink a lot, and i would read excerpts from my journal to him in a sexy, slurred voice. his hair was long, and he let me brush it.

this boy is better erased from my memory, but i filled the pages of my favorite journal with our time together. we never had sex, but man, was he a good kisser. there was something about him that sickened me after i would leave him, even though he could roll a mean joint.

he was from el salvador, and he introduced me to my first pupusas.

this ended when i could no longer tame my strong perceptions that he was sleeping with a fat bitch who pretended to be my friend.

i left these two losers to their own devices, and a few months later, i found out his girlfriend gave birth to a beautiful golden baby.

after him, i needed a break from my wild ways, and i frequently stayed in on weekend nights. i played with my own beautiful eurasian baby, and i got to live in the uncomfortable moments of being sober.

i took a strong liking to seeking refuge in my parents home, so much so that they glanced at me sideways when i announced that i would not need them for babysitting services.

a few months and a new job later, i was back in my game. i went out every friday night with happy hour pimps and hos, which included my friend the assistant principal and her sleazy husband.

pay day fridays led us to different bars every month, and when that got expensive, friends like roca and others opened up their homes to some incredible bacchanalian celebrations.

but it happened again. it got old, and i found myself avoiding phone calls and lying about plans for the weekends. for me, id rather be alone than to wish i were.

forward to now, and my motto is the same. my heart, my spirit, my body aches for w, and i know that being with different people will not satisfy my cravings of him.

its over, i know. he will never trust me again, not even a tiny little bit. he wont let me kiss him again, wont let me guide his hands to my hair, wont let me take his cock into my hungry mouth.

i mean, the man was already highly sensitive and our connection made him hyperperceptive. and i feel deceived somehow that perhaps one day, there will be another chance.

deceived by my own fantasies and dreams almost every night. he never gives me false hope. thats just the kind of man he is.

but i wont settle for any less than he. i cant even imagine my skin being touched by another mans hands, my lips raw from another mans kiss, my pussy sore from another mans cock.

i want him. i want him, and i will stay in this condition until i get over it, or until he allows me back into his life. and when pigs fly, im going to hitch a ride to his place.

i fucking miss him. i have to consciously push all thoughts of him away because if i dont, i will most likely find a psychic connection to him. if you believe in those things.

hes a beautiful man, and his complicated nature excites me and thrills me. this bullshit of him telling me i need a fun stimuli just pisses me off.

no prayer, no bargaining with God, no pleas to his emotion will bring him back.

i just have to breathe this in, and at the same time, try to sever any and all contact with him. and when hell freezes over, im heading there right after work.

w, i dont want anyone else. can you understand that? will you honor that?

he texted me, my best to you.

guess that summarizes it all, dont it?

a year ago today

you were playing soccer, and i was in the suburbs. i called you, but it went to voice mail, so i left a message.

you called me back, but my sister answered. i left my phone outside with her while i fetched our order from the coffee shop. she told you i would call you back.

when i came out with the cups of iced coffee, she said to me, who was that?

who?

w. he called you.

hes a friend. im supposed to see him tonite, so we cant hang out late.

but who is he?

a friend. why?

a date?

we had a date last week. but we are just going to watch a movie at his place later. why?

you havent mentioned anyone since k left.

i know. havent met anyone worth mentioning.

i called you back while she and my mother listened in. you were having dinner and drinks with your soccer team, and i asked if we were still on for tonite. you confirmed our meeting.

when we got back to my sisters house an hour or so later, she told me she would help me get ready. he could be the one so you better be prepared, she said.

thats really fast. weve talked almost every day, though. hes so awesome.

well, keep him.

i stayed there until nine, and then the boy and i rushed back to la. i changed my clothes when we got home, changed it so many times because nothing seemed appropriate.

i was getting nervous. i wanted to hurry, but nothing looked good. it was getting later, and i still had to stop by to see some friends. i told them i could stay for an hour at the latest.

i finally scooted out the door. i saw my friends. they wanted to know why i was so dressed up.

dressed up? i asked.

well, you have on make-up, and you smell good. where are you going after? they said.

im going to hang out with a friend in la.

what friend is this?

a friend. hes cool people.

we laughed and talked, and i admit, i dragged out my time there, not wanting to leave yet. i was more nervous than earlier, and it was getting late, so i knew i had to leave.

i called you when i got out of anapis house, called to ask for directions. i told you i was tired, and i asked if you were sure you wanted me to come over. it was, after all, midnight.

come, you said.

i drove fast, no traffic on a saturday night. the speed was the adrenaline. i looked for your exit, and quickly, i found your building.

i called you to let you know i was there. you came down and opened the gate for me. i parked, and i got out of the car.

i couldnt look at you. at times, im shy and girlish, and i remember being that way with you for at least six months after the first night.

we rode up the elevator, and i noted every single detail of the architecture, and i fell in love.

you opened the door, and candles were lit. it was dark inside, but music was playing. lounge music. the traffic sounds from the freeway competed for our attention.

you welcomed me in, and i felt immediately at ease. i tried to fight it, tried to fight the feeling that it was natural to be there with you.

we sat on the couch. you turned on the tv.

want to order a movie? you asked.

sure, i answered. i was trying to act nonchalant.

i watched the flames on the candles while you scrolled down the list of movies. we settled on one. actually, you graciously let me pick.

there are times when my choice plays on the cable channels at my home. it always brings me back to this night.

you told me it had been awhile since youve been with others. i promised myself to not run away.

we were watching the show, but i couldnt concentrate. i was wondering if you were going to kiss me because a week before, you had not.

i waited. i held my breath in anticipation. i looked over at you. you were watching the movie. it was a bad choice, i knew, but i didnt want to watch a movie anyway.

you came closer to me, and i said to myself, fuck it. make the first move.

or did you make the first move? all i knew was we were kissing.

i will always love the way you kiss me, even if those glory days are gone. its perfect, hungry, passionate, slow. it consumes my thoughts, my functions, my being.

do you have condoms? i asked you.

yes.

you got them from your black briefcase, and you lead me to your bed.

you undressed me, and while i undressed you. it was surreal and dreamlike, the way we moved against each other and with each other.

we made love, we fucked, we breathed each other in. i had not been made to feel sexy and like a woman in such a long time, and here i was in a beautiful loft with a beautiful man feeling beautiful.

i wanted to leave. i looked at you, but you were asleep. i didnt know how to go out of the parking lot, so i layed there in silence. i moved away from you, not wanting to cuddle, feeling so wasted and sated.

the light from the window shone on you, and you looked so good in the shadows. i looked at the digital clock on your cable box. it told me it was 3:30 a.m.

i tossed and turned, and i thought of waking you, but i knew you were tired. i couldnt sleep, but your breathing and my fatigue lulled me into the land of the unconscious.

i woke up four hours later, a bit distraught. it had been two years since i slept next to a man, and i wanted to go back home to what was comfortable for me.

i moved to the couch, and i called anapi. i told her i spent the night with you. she was impressed but did not believe me.

i turned on the tv to finish the movie. you turned on your side, your back facing me. i lowered the volume to let you sleep more.

you woke up an hour later, and i thanked you for a wonderful night. you were going to spend the day with the little one, and i had to go home to my own.

i sat on the edge of your bed, looking at you. i wanted to tell you thank you for waking up what was dead, for making love to me in a way that made me feel alive again, for letting me trust you and feeling respected by you.

i wanted to tell you all of this, instead, i gathered my things and said good bye.

i got inside my car, and i was disoriented. the sunlight was so bright, the blaring of the horns so loud, the heat from the sun intense.

i felt changed, different. i didnt know you, yet i felt we had a history. i didnt want to stay, but i couldnt turn on my engine to leave. i didnt want to start my day because then i would have to end the night we shared together.

my phone rang. i answered it and was brought back to my reality.

i changed the gear from park to drive, and i drive slowly off.

i got home, and nothing seemed familiar.

i did my sunday activities, but there was a sense of newness.

i knew i was changed forever, that no matter what and no matter who, i would always choose you.

the next eleven months i spent trying to push you away, trying to push the fear of you away. it would have worked had it not been for the chemistry, the passion, the connectedness, the communion of our bodies and our spirits.

i honor you, despite what i had done.

i respect you, in spite of what had transpired.

and i want you, need you, and want another year with you.

trying times

this past week was very challenging, except for tuesday when i saw lots of dragonflies and felt a cool breeze as i walked across the polygon midday.

im under a lot of self-imposed pressure and anxiety that has to do with work, and on friday, i left early and had lunch with megbro.

last night, i spent time with dines and lines, and we are conspiring to start a consulting firm. more details on that as we plan it.

ive gone to my project four times this week. on wednesday, the sadistic bitch was at the top of her game, and i wonder if she might not have some sort of chemical imbalance?

thursday was a little better, but still. im learning to breathe. breathe through chaos. thats what the sadistic bitch said once.

i had a mini-meltdown yesterday, and i almost broke down and called w, but i didnt. i couldnt. if i heard his awesome, sexy voice, id lose it and cry to him.

ive been celibate now since july 3rd, and this morning, dines proposed, maybe you need a distraction?

i had told her that i was having a hard time about w, how i missed him so much from my life, and she came up with that.

i dont want or need a distraction. i want and need him, i protest.

what are you going to do about it? she asked.

nothing. absolutely nothing. its pride. he doesnt want to hear from me, and so im going to stay away no matter how incredibly hard it is to do so.

a distraction is the last thing i need. i dont have my mojo anymore, left it at his loft the last time i saw him. i wish i can be attracted to someone, but as it stands, there is no one.

no one. not that i feel hopeless. please. but right now, i just dont want to deal with it. and if i were to hang out with someone, id be a pain in the ass. i know this.

next saturday is jobas birthday party at the brass monkey in koreatown. i wasnt planning on going. i dont want to deal with people because im not in a social mood, but maybe it will be a chance to take some pictures.

i havent been feeling creative lately. not when im stressed out.

i want w. i need him.

decided

in june 2008, im going to leave this school along with the seniors i am in charge of this year.

there are so many different reasons why and not enough reasons why not, so ive made a decision. i have two options so far. the first one is to continue being a counselor for another district. and the second is to work at a community college.

it isnt that im unhappy, even though today was a total shit day that was a continuation of yesterday. and the queen bee just disgusts me, and i will no longer tolerate bullshit that ive tolerated before.

im going to be good to myself for one year. it wasnt enough that i assigned myself a project. in fact, it hasnt worked out, but after a near anxiety or heart attack on monday, ive decided to fuck everyone else and be good to myself.

my nature is to take care of everyone, yet no one takes care of me. ive been told that from afar, it seems im capable of taking care of myself. of course i am, but i dont have enough when i tend to everyone else.

im not complaining. in fact, i know that my life is richer when i help others, but at the end of the day, there is nothing left for me. nothing.

if im not falling into bed from exhaustion, im tossing and turning from anxiety.

im still carrying such a heavy heart, but everyday, it hurts a little less. i fear i will always live with a dull pain, a small remembrance for such a grand time in my life.

i miss him, you know, miss him so many times in a day. i want to tell him, theres a space inside of me that wants so much to go to you, but theres a realization that i will never be able to again, so i must rest in that.

last night, i called his name out again, and i whispered, please take me back.

i know what i did is unforgivable. i process it in my mind every single free moment when im driving to and from work, and especially when im in bed, wanting so much to just fuck him.

he wrote to me awhile back, you could be texting this from ch***ies or anothers place for all i know.

god. that says it all, you know. it hurt to read it then as much as it hurts to read it back now.

ive gone over my defense from all angles, and yet i know that there is no greater punishment than losing him completely from my life.

how else could it have ended, though, really? i wouldnt have been able to let him go. as it is, i seek the closure i need, but havent been able to completely abandon the hope.

hope. i had that once, early on in the separation. but now. now. its just different.

i still look for him everywhere, dream of him most nights, and ache for him continuously. and right now, these words are blurred from the water forming in my eyes because i need him now, i needed him yesterday, and i will need him tomorrow.

the past year was convoluted with pride, mistrust, no trust, others. it should have not gone any further than the first night, the first night we met after we said goodbye.

but he had such a warmth that i needed, that i need. i always wonder fruitlessly if i would have continued had i known it was going to end. but lets be honest, i knew it was going to end, the question was when. never how. the how didnt matter.

however, i know it would be so much easier, so much less trying if it ended because we had just stopped loving each other. or more accurately, if i had stopped loving him.

but my heart does this thing where it either falls in love or flat out loves. if it falls in love, thats a quick remedy. it will fall out of love.

when my heart loves, as it does in this case, it loves forever. maybe not as passionately or as strongly, but it loves all the same. and that wont change. the desire will, but not the love.

ive got to go to bed. i need sleep. i need rest because tomorrow, i need all the strength i can muster to face two fucking parent conferences and the fucking weekend.

i hate that he thinks i can be with another so soon.

in some twisted way, im insulted.

nothing

life has been moving along smoothly. the weekend was nice, spending time with family, and finally, i got a chance to be good to myself.

the other day, mago messaged me. he wrote, be good to yourself.

ive taken the advice to heart, especially after i confessed my sin to him, and without judgment, he wrote that. im so glad because i needed to hear it.

today was difficult. work is stressful and anxiety inducing, and i can feel the effects of this job. i came home and tried to breathe, knowing that if i didnt, id be headed to the great land of anxiety attack. it took three hours, but i finally calmed myself down and felt better.

im running on fumes. im functioning on survival mode, and im just holding on until the mid of september when i dont have to work.

im going to go to jury duty, read while i wait to see if im going to return, and im going to take some classes to move to the last damned step of the salary scale. im going to enroll the boy and me in a martial arts program just for the hell of it. im going to get a physical, start cooking, and taking care of the boy.

im going to find my creative side, without my inspiration who has decided never to contact me again. without him, im going to take pictures, write, and perhaps use the watercolors i bought months ago in a fit of being inspired.

im going to reflect and meditate, try to figure out what i want, who i am, and where i want to go. i know i want to eventually purchase a house by april, and if not april, then by september of next year. and if not a house, then a loft. definitely a loft.

im going to do my hours with dines, and who knows what doors will be open to me by doing so? glendale counselors make more money than lausd counselors. my goal is to get there by next september. its time for me to move. unless i get more money doing something. but nah. i dont think so. i need to just move on.

its time. im going to graduate with my seniors. im going to not do more than i have to, and im going to leave.

and before i go, id like to give a shout out tonite to a beautiful spirit with a sexy voice and hands that are so amazing and send me to places i have never been before. even though our time together is up, i want him to know that meeting him a year ago today changed me for the best.

transitions

i wonder if he remembers what today is. if i allowed myself to be a bit sentimental, id maybe send off a text saying hello. but i wont permit it.

im trying to go forward, sans closure, a closure i very much need, but im not going to do it. im going to give him that gift of not having to deal with me. besides, im sure hes become involved with someone, and why shouldnt he? hes an amazing, incredible man.

but its beginning to fade. not the memories or the heaviness in my heart. those will remain. the pain is numbing, though i still wake up sometimes reaching for him, and then remembering that it has all gone to hell.

i miss him. when its late, i miss him. when im driving home, i miss him. when im masturbating, i miss him. and i call out his name.

i know that he will probably never contact me again, and that breaks my heart most of all. not knowing if hes well, if hes stressed, if his stomach problems are acting up...being out of his life...feels unnatural.

but you know what? its time for me to move on. and i am. im doing it. im living my life, even though at times, life is very hard. and i stumble, but i regain my footing.

he has forgotten what this day is, but i havent.

it has brought me joy and pain for the last twelve months.

stoned

its been awhile since i took out my pipe, filled it with some sweet smelling merryjuwanna, and lit up. but today, i was a little stressed out.

not just today, though, actually. ive been under tons of frustration and anxiety and crazy shit that i felt i could keel over from a heart attack. or something.

last night, i met with dapel, and after telling him the transition from who i was a month ago to now a month later, he said, the greatest gift you can give is to leave it alone. let them repair their relationship, and you knew it wasnt going to really last, so just let it go. this is a life lesson.

earlier in the day, my exhusband said to me regarding the same situation, thats the problem. you dont know what you want. or maybe you know what you want, but you set up patterns where you keep getting the same results.

they are both right, so when God speaks to me through his angels, i have to listen. i mean, its time. i owe to him, and i have to really walk away. its too bad, really, but whats done is done.

so, besides my heart, a further stress is work. i love my students. i love them, not all of them, but a good two hundred fifty of them, and i believe they love me, too. so out of love, i want to work for them and with them. the paycheck is nice, but my reward, my compensation is seeing my kids happy, less stressed, and graduating.

ive been working on their senior checks, and it breaks my heart that some kids may not cross the stage come august. are they fully to blame? no. of course not. they should have been guided.

some of them are unreachable, but most of them, many of them can be helped. and im going to do it. and its going to be fucking stressful. but im there for them.

not for the old bitter biddy bitches. and certainly not for the queen bitch herself. but i wont spend time or waste space on them.

the stalker just reminds me that i will never ever go out with anyone under 35. the other day, he barged into my office and had lunch with me, and the whole time, i kept rolling my eyes, thinking, when the fuck is that bell going to ring?

he asked for my number again, twice in the last week, and i just looked at him and wondered, is he fucking serious?

i didnt give him my number, but the bell did ring, and ive avoided him since. im to the point of rudeness, walking away slowly and deliberately when he comes to speak to me. his bad sense of humor is rather crude and annoying. he makes me laugh uncomfortably at his sexist, racist jokes.

but life is really rather yuk right now. i have jury duty on monday. i pray it will be just one day.

i wont be able to get out of the country to mexico anytime soon. im going to postpone my escape because quite honestly, i havent been able to get a passport for me and the boy.

im also going to work only four weeks out of eight on my off-track time because i need a break. ill go to julmi for two weeks, and the other two weeks, im going to spend time doing what i need to do that i havent done because i have had no time.

i have no time. i need to slow myself down, deal with myself, and just rest.

okay, i have to get to bed. my day is finally settling, and im going to drift off to la la land.

uninspired

maybe its the heat, maybe its the emotional and psychological demands of my job, or maybe its trying to gather the pieces of my puzzled heart that i have no energy, no desire, no want to do much.

went to santa barbara today with my students. i was impressed with the school, but before, when i was at ucsd, i turned my nose up at it.

but it was a great day. i miss living by the beach. my personality is different when im by the ocean. its where i go to regain my strength and focus, to release my sadness and anxiety, to gather myself and my scattered spirit.

i remember one night many years ago during summer vacation from ucsd, i went to the beach to breathe and make some heavy decisions.

i sat there on the blanket, watching the sun melt into the ocean, marveling at how beautiful my surroundings were, grateful to be a part of it.

a guy wearing khaki shorts, white shirt, denim jacket, and no shoes walked past me straight into the waves. he didnt look like he was going to stop, determined to walk as far as he could.

i moved to get up, but thankfully, he stopped, and his shoulders visibly rose and fell as he took a few deep breaths. when he finished filling his lungs with the salty air, he walked the same path.

he was coming towards me, and i asked him, are you okay?

yeah, just having a hard day.

i noticed. i thought you were going to walk across the ocean.

really? i just drove from davis, and im tired.

running away?

sort of. im kevin.

hi. nice to meet you.

what are you doing here?

waiting for you.

we exchanged numbers, and he called me later on that night. we talked for awhile, whispering stories to each other for about a month, but it never went on from there.

he had sandy blond hair, smile that was as bright as the full moon that night, and strong hands. at the time, my taste in boys were the surfer blonds who had brains and killer smiles. i was surrounded by them.

forward to now. one of my girls asked me today, do you have a heavy heart?

yes, i do.

why?

its too sordid a tale to tell, sweetie.

i cant seem to make sense of what i did and why i did it. it just felt right at the time, even though i knew how dirty and evil it was.

if it werent for my child being attached to this area, to his school, and to this place, i would start sending out my applications to an doctorate program at ucsd or berkeley or san francisco state.

however, i cant be selfish. i have to stay even though ive outgrown this place. i want to move away and start over, to not be reminded so much of who i am but who i could be.